The Great North (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - A Knife to Remember Adventure - full transcript

We're broken down at South
Road and Limestone Canyon.

Thank you so
much. Love you, bye.

Dang it. Did I say "I love
you" to a stranger again?

You got to stop
doing that, babe.

That lady from the deli
will not stop calling you.

Yeah, and sometimes, she
comes over if I don't answer.

Well, AAA said they can't
get a tow truck out here

for at least two hours.

Ugh, it's so cold in here,

my fingers feel like a
pack of frozen hot dogs.

Oh, no, now I want
to eat my fingers.



Ooh, why don't we wait
in that place over there?

Crocodile Rob's?

Yeah, no can do. That's on
Dad's "Tobins No Go Ins" list.

One of the spots where Mom
used to get black-out drunk

and pull some of her
most notorious fun-anigans.

It's strictly forbidden.

I get it, your mom
is haunting you

like a Julianne
Moore performance,

but I'm freezing, so
we're going just this once.

Okay, fine, but I'm warning you,

I bet this place
is a total anus.

Yeah, but it looks
like a warm anus

that's probably full of
artichoke dip, so let's roll.

What in God's green Christmas?



- - CROCODILE
TOM: Australia, mate.

Is it crazy that I
want to get divorced

so we can get remarried here?

Ugh. This must be
what Chris Hemsworth

feels like all the time.

Okay, that food
was good as hell.

Should we go home and get
our stuff so we could live here?

Would you two like dessert?

I'd suggest our sundae shaped
like the Sydney Opera House.

Ha! Oh, and, Crocodile Tom,

is there any way you can
sit down with us for dessert?

Ah, sorry, mate,
but, unfortunately,

it's against the rules.

Fair dinkum, Crocodile
Tom. Fair dinkum.

Hello, Londra.

Ooh, what are you
working with there?

Your fixed blade kershaw?

You guessed it.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, Beef,
this awkward silence

where you just hum
to yourself reminds me,

I've wanted to talk to
you about... knife club.

Uh-huh. I'm hosting our
second meeting later this week.

Yeah, and I guess we were all
surprised that you volunteered

to do that because it didn't
seem like you enjoyed yourself

at the first one. If you
want to quit, we will...

What? But I loved knife club.

Why on earth
would I want to quit?

'Cause you just stood
in a corner for two hours

clutching your knife
and mumbling to yourself,

and when Golovkin did his
hilarious knife parody song,

you barely even smiled.

"Two Tickets to Pair of Knives"?
I found that intensely amusing.

If you're the host,

you're gonna need to make
everyone feel welcome.

Well, I guess I'm just
not much of a small talker,

but I love knife club
and everyone in it.

Hey, guys, wacky
weather we're having.

Wacky A.H. As Halibut Cove.

You never know if you
should bring your umbrella

or your bikini.

Uh-oh, here comes
trouble. Hi, Father Dougan.

Hey, Londra, working
hard or hardly working?

She was clearly working hard.

Uh, okay. I was making a joke.

Right.

Welp, off I go. Off to the boat.

Going into town. See you later.

All right. See y'all later then.

Uh-oh. Did I act weird again?

- A little.
- Darn it. I should've told them

about the severed brown
bat wing I found on my car.

Everybody loves bat stories.

Sure, Beef, sure.

You two have
barely touched your food.

Are you afraid-o of my alfredo?

I was afraid of my
teacher, Mr. Alfredo.

He used to throw his
dentures at people.

Uh, well, Beef, to be honest,

when the van broke
down, we kind of...

Ate the van jerky,
like, all ten packs of it.

Nothing else.
No crikey burgers or anything.

I mean, what even are
they? I never heard of them.

And what is that sauce?

Okay, I got a little lost in
your sauce talk there, son,

but I actually have something
I wanted to ask you all about.

I'm hosting knife
club here this week.

My
Knife. - Sorry,

but you know I
can't resist that.

And it was brought
to my attention today

that I often look upset
and unapproachable.

Uh-huh, yeah, I mean,
only when you're not talking,

which is a lot. Why are you
suddenly worried about it?

Well, today, Londra
practically uninvited me

to knife club because she
thought that I didn't enjoy it.

And I think the
root of it is that

I don't really do small talk.

I never thought
about it too much,

but to almost get kicked out

of the coolest new group
in Lone Moose?

Well, Dad, if you
don't like idle chitchat,

you just can do what I do
when I'm uncomfortable,

I just check my
wooden phone, like this.

Mm. Russell posted his
"Outfit of the Day." Like.

You can borrow it if you want.

Thanks, Moon, but, actually,
I've been trying to think

of ways to make the next meeting

of the knife club
more entertaining.

- Here's what I've come up with.
- Dad, that's a board game I made

for my seventh
grade history class.

Though, it is pretty fun.

If you land on the
gazebo, you die.

What about asking
Londra to give you

a little small talk
coaching? She's a real pro.

Hmm. Yes. I will ask
the small talk master

to take me under her mouth wing.

Okay, yeah, you do need a
little help with how you say things.

Who's calling me?

I don't know anyone
in Ohio. Ignore.

I got so many sick socks today.

I've been looking for
those knee-highs forever.

They're so long, they're
like upside down pants.

And the fries
from Gail's Gravies

are always pretty good, but
it was no you-know-where.

I know, I want to go back, too,

but Dad hates Crocodile Rob's
and that's a Crocodile Prob.

What would your
dad do if he found out?

Well, one time, I told my
dad I wanted to go to a party

at the bowling alley,
which is another one

of the forbidden
zones, and he somehow

crawled into the coffee table.

- That's not possible.
- I know.

Ugh, okay, fine.

I guess we'll just have
to live a boring, gray life

without Crabbie Nugs, or
Naomi Watts Tater Tots.

Or Clam Chuggers,
or Fried Salad Spears.

Welcome back, my best friends.

How about a basket
of fries that never ends?

Just one more meal
at Crocodile Rob's,

we get it out of our systems,

and then I can kiss
my dad goodnight

- without feeling guilty.
- Hey,

sorry, mates, you
guys look incredibly cool

standing on your
seats like surfboards,

but it is against
restaurant policy.

Sure thing, Tom. We're
no Budgie Smugglers.

Yeah, no, that actually
means "bathing suits."

Good "onya."

Wolf, out with it. Why did you
call this emergency meeting?

Do you think that you
solved the chalkboard problem

in Good Will Hunting again?

Because I'm telling
you, I am not losing

- three more hours to that.
- No, although, I am close.

But this isn't about that. I
have super shocking news.

Honeybee and I went
to Crocodile Rob's.

- Satan's speakeasy?
- The taboo tavern?

Wolf, that place is off-limits,
just like the bowling alley.

And the magic club, Ta-Da's.

And the owl sanctuary.

Guys, I know, I know.

And it's worse than
you think, we went twice.

I think we might have a problem.

Are you saying you
want us to intervention you guys?

Should we arrange some
chairs in a circle of caring?

An intervention
is not necessary.

We're absolutely
never going back again,

and we're gonna
tell Dad that we went,

and let him say
something really brutal like,

"I'm
disappointed with you."

Let's get this bloodbath
over with. Where is he?

Oh, he went to go see Londra
to get some small talk lessons

before he hosts
knife club tonight.

- Dang it.
- So...

what was it like in
Crocodile Rob's?

I always pictured a big pit
of crocodiles smoking cigars

and wearing derbies
and, you know,

harassing the croco-waitresses.

Oh, Ham, no. It's like
nowhere you've ever been,

and nowhere you'll
ever go, 'cause we can't,

but it's freaking
wonderful inside.

They have lush fake palm trees
everywhere, chugo-dile cups...

Sick place mats with facts
about Australia on them.

A super tall cocktail
called a Daiquiri Doo.

Mad Max Meatballs...

There's a stoplight on the wall.

And a bicycle on the ceiling.

I hate these pants.

Welcome back, adventurers.

Well, flush me down
the toilet in reverse,

we just can't seem to stay away.

Hiya, Beef. I hear we're in
for a wet one later this week.

I wish I could respond to that
in a fun and carefree manner,

but I can't, and
that's why I'm here.

Londra, take me under your wing.

Teach me how to make
the talk that is small.

Teach me A.H.

Well, right there, that
didn't make any sense.

Gibberish and small talk are
two very different things, Beef.

Yes, and I'd like to
learn that difference

- before the party tonight.
- Before tonight?

Well, then, we've got
a lot of field to plough,

and we're short a few horses.

Now... was that gibberish?

You're asking the
right questions, Beef.

I'll explain in the car.

The post office is a great place

to watch small talk in action.

Just stand back and learn.

What are you writing
in your notebook there?

Nothing, I was uncomfortable,

so, uh, I made a
bunch of squiggles.

Well, stop writing
and listen to people.

Hey, June. Can I
borrow your pen?

No can do, Jim, but I'll
rent it to you for ten bucks.

You see, Beef,

when making small talk,
it is customary for people

to tease each other and
reject what each other says

- in a playful manner.
- Yes, I have seen this,

but I have never been
confident enough to try it myself.

Okay, here's your chance, Beef.

Uh, excuse me. Could you pass me

one of those packing
slips behind you?

- No.
- Wow. Uh, okay.

I am just kidding.
You know, "small talk."

Hello, there. Uh, hardly
working or workly harding...

Damn it!

This weather... right?

Yeah, if you don't like it,

just wait a
minute, it'll change.

- Well, that's not true.
- Beef.

I mean, good one.
Now, I will say one.

Take my wife, please.
J.K., my wife left me.

That was a little better.
We'll keep working on it.

Well, all that practice

being very weird to strangers

at the post office really
paid off. You did great

greeting everyone
when they showed up.

Was it okay that I said,
"Here comes trouble,"

- to all of them?
- Yeah, Beef.

Luckily, no one showed
up at the same time,

so they all felt special.

- There goes trouble.
- Good one, Beef.

I'm looking forward
to the weekend.

It is the weekend.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh. Uh, um...

Then I'm looking
forward to next weekend.

- You know it, pal.
- No more snacks for you, Kyle.

- Oh.
- I'm being humorous. Eat the snacks.

Oh, the pizza must be here.

I told them we'd cut it
ourselves with our knives,

so get ready for some fun.

All right, let's go
ditch this croc-a-wear

before the big guy...

Oh, hello, kids.

Dad, I know what
this looks like,

but there's a really
good explanation.

Okay, is the explanation that
you went to Crocodile Rob's?

Multiple times.
Forgive us.

Crocodile Rob is too powerful.
He's too powerful, Dad.

Dad, you weren't
supposed to find out like this.

Yeah, we had a whole
plan. We were gonna ask you

to sit down, and
Wolf was gonna light

his newest Macho Calm
brand scented candle,

Chamomile Karate Chop.

Look, Dad, yes,
we did go to Rob's,

but it didn't mean anything.

Don't say that, Wolf.

Fine, it meant everything.
It's so rad in there.

Look, I know Mom
farted up a lot of places,

and the emotional
smell still lingers,

but Crocodile Rob's
is heaven on Earth.

There, I said it.

It's like if Hugh
Jackman were a bar.

- It's not a hellhole, Dad.
- It's a wonder-hole.

And there is no reason
to avoid it, Beef. It's fun.

You had... fun?

Yeah, Dad, we had
fun. We had a lot of fun.

Understood.

Please, Dad, don't leave.
I'm sorry we wanted to eat

Plump Papaya Pistachio
Pudding Ploppers

in a fun and
carefree environment.

It's sad we don't have

a dad anymore, but at least
I have this squeaky crocodile

that came with my kid's
meal. Maybe he'll raise me.

I mean, I get why Dad's upset.

It's kind of like
we're all dating him,

and then we cheated with another

middle-aged smokeshow
named Crocodile Rob,

and while we all still love Dad,

we also want to fool around
with Crocodile Rob on the side,

but just in a way where
everyone understands

the rules so no one gets hurt.

Sweetie, you really need to work
on how you talk about your Dad.

I feel bad, but...

I also feel like I want to go to
Crocodile Rob's again sometime.

Is that wrong?

No, I'm actually kind of mad.

We could've been going
there our whole lives.

We missed out on so many good times.

It really makes me wonder
about all these other places

we've stayed away from because
Dad doesn't like going to them.

- They could be great, too.
- Yeah.

I've always wanted to go
to the Vietnamese market

where Dad said Mom
fell into the lobster tank,

- and then refused to get out.
- And the Death Cliff aquarium

where Dad said Mom
fell in the starfish tank

- and refused to get out.
- I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I guess since
Dad's already mad,

maybe we should just...
get it out of our systems

and go to all the
No-Tobes Zones.

- I guess now's our chance.
- I like going places.

All right then, let's
go and take a stroll

right into the Tobin Shame-hole.

Guess which one
of my ears is fake.

She went to the
hospital and then jail.

To be fair, he did steal a
quarter from behind her ear.

That woman was
a freak for quarters.

We went to all these places,
and nothing bad happened.

I don't know what I
thought would happen.

I always thought
I'd immediately order

a Singapore Sling and
descend into madness.

Guys, she's not here,
and you're not her.

You don't have to feel bad
about the things she did.

- Huh.
- Yeah, it's kind of like...

She stole me a
Nightlife Elegance Ken,

but I had to return him.

I told you we
should check it out.

Ah, crap.
My wig's on fire again.

Oh, God. Nope. Mom
can have that one.

All right, gather round,

it's time to cut the
knife club cake.

We can use our own
knives if we take turns.

Remember what
happened last time.

My scar will be a beautiful
reminder that I have friends.

Wait. Has anyone seen Beef?

Eh, not for an hour or so.

He's probably just off somewhere
silently clutching his knife.

Oh, boy.

Welp, we reclaimed
Mom's poisoned haunts,

except for Danky's,

of course. Danky's
can burn in hell.

Let's head home,
apologize to Dad again,

and put this ugly
chapter behind us forever.

Wait, what about
Crocodile Rob's?

I know we went
there earlier, but, like,

should we reclaim it one more
time, or how are we feeling?

I don't know, guys.

Maybe we should just
quit while we're ahead...

Hello! There they
are, my favorite family.

What a cool van.

Hey, let's go throw some
good times on the barbie.

We're right behind you, Tom!

Hey, Beef. Kind of
surprised to see you out here.

You were doing so well in
there, and then you disappeared.

Do you want to tell
me what's going on?

I went out front because
I thought the pizza was here,

and when I got
outside, I saw my kids,

and they had been
to Crocodile Rob's,

and I got upset.

Why? I love that place.

They have that animatronic
koala that does insult comedy.

He called me a slag
and Dusty a drongo.

It's so much fun there.

Yeah, that's kind
of the problem.

See, I've always
let the kids believe

that they're not
allowed to go there

because I had bad times
there with their mom,

but, actually,

I had a lot of good times
there with their mom.

The trouble is, I
find good memories

to be more painful
than bad memories.

I feel like the fun
people always leave.

Kathleen, my parents,

the gas station attendant
who invited me to his house

to watch Man on Fire.
He moved back to Sitka.

Oh, sorry about your friend
you watched Man on Fire with.

And I think I avoid small talk

because it leads to big talk,

and that leads to friendship.

Next thing you know,
you're having four kids

with someone who'll leave you.

It feels like the good
times are always ending,

and you never know if there are
gonna be more around the bend.

When I saw the looks
on the kids' faces tonight,

I thought, this isn't just
my problem anymore.

I've been standing in the way
of them enjoying themselves

because of my stupid heart.

Well, then knock it off, Beef.
I mean, put it in perspective.

We're on a planet
in a solar system

in one of two trillion galaxies,

in a universe in a multiverse

that contains an infinite
number of pocket universes,

and, well, if you
met a beautiful lady

who was fun for a
while before she wasn't,

and she gave you four
great kids who love you,

then you're probably doing okay.

So, you better
have fun with us now

while the funnin's
good, you big lump.

- Thank you, Londra.
- All right, Beef,

are you ready to head back in?

I got some brand-new
small talk I could loan you.

Get this, I hear Whippleton
is getting a Del Taco.

That is big news,
but I have an idea

of how to take this gathering
of knife club to the next level.

It's time to show my painful
good memories who's the boss.

- All right.
- It's me.

- I'm the boss.
- I got that.

With a
deconstructed martini hat,

you have to be careful not
to just suck in the gin part

'cause it can burn the
jahoobies out of your mouth.

That was straight gin.

Oh, my crikey.

Oh, no. I'm actually
meeting some people.

Are you here to
formally disown us, Dad?

I can call the family notary,

and we can get the
paperwork going.

Actually, no. I brought
my knife club here to,

as they say, "make a YOLO."

They definitely
don't say that, Dad,

but welcome to paradise.

Or should we welcome
Crocodile Rob's

to the human
version of paradise,

our dad.

I thought you hated this place

because of all the bad
times you had here with Mom.

Actually, I avoided it
because me and your mom

had so many good times
here, and, well, that's over.

But we can make new good
memories here, starting tonight.

Oh, Dad, full disclosure, we
also went to the bowling alley,

Ta-Da's, the owl
sanctuary, and Danky's.

Oh, God, you went to Danky's?

Oh, don't worry,
we didn't go in.

Good, but I'm glad you went

to those other fun places.

It's okay to remember
that there were and are

some very fun things
about your mother.

Like how she put
on that Pinhead mask

whenever we got food delivered.

And if you didn't want to
go to school, she'd be like,

"Sure, that place sucks anyway."

And she could hang
off the bottom of a Jeep

- for hundreds of miles.
- She sure could.

Now, where is that waiter?

I want to order the Russell
Crowe Brussel Bowl.

Like the team from
Harkins Real Estate.

Janet just sold
her first townhouse.