The Great North (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Autumn If You Got Em Adventure - full transcript

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you
can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪



♪ From longest
night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

Hey, late night party, Judy.

Gah. Don't sneak
up on me like that.

I'm from your imagination.
How can I possibly surprise you?

I don't know, Alanis. Maybe
because I'm a young teen woman

whose brain and heart are full
of mysterious twists and turns.

Okay, okay. You're
up pretty late.

Yeah. There was a
big town dance tonight.

Oh, and did something happen?

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

JUDY: Moon and his
friends pulled off a heist.

One, two... Russell,
why are you lifting?



I said roll, not
lift. It has wheels.

- My Corn Caddy.
- Sorry, I panicked.

JUDY: Dad might be
swinging. No judgement.

Ham and Crispin broke up.

Crispin, here, I
bought you that ring,

and I am breaking up with you.

JUDY: Gill and I kissed, and
Wolf and Honeybee got caught

with their pants
down, literally.

- Wait, what?
- I know.

Gill kissed you? Ham
and Crispin broke up?

- I know.
- Your dad is a swinger?

Honeybee and Wolf
did it in a corn truck?

I know!

Okay, do you want to
hear the story or what?

Do I want to hear the
story of your entire family

going fully bonkers
in the conkers

at some sort of weird Alaskan
autumn-based social gathering?

Uh, yes.

The autumn-based event is called

the Fall Frenzy Dance.
Now, we've talked about

the annual Lone
Moose Fall Frenzy, right?

Uh, we haven't, but
please do not tell me about it

- with a historical flashback.
- JUDY: Uh, yeah.

Back in the 1800s...

ALANIS: Okay, too late.

JUDY: the first
Fall Frenzy Dance

was held on the very last day

of what could be called Fall,

when the last
little patch of water

freezes over on Fall-Thru lake.

After that, it's
officially winter here.

It was the final day

to find a partner,

switch a partner, or have

a casual ankle-viewing encounter

that might sustain
your imagination

through the winter
hardships to come.

At this dance, and all
week leading up to it,

people are known to make very,
very, very, very bad decisions.

Marriages start, marriages end,

regular cousins
become kissing cousins.

Back in 1977, there was
apparently a town orgy,

and then everything shut down

because no one could look
anyone in the eye for a full month.

My point is, during
Fall Frenzy week,

up is down, down is
up, and left and right?

(laughing: I mean,
forget about it.

That sounds a lot like
what would happen

at Eddie Vedder's
Cheddar Double-Header,

a music and cheese festival

he used to host in
Tillamook, Oregon.

Last time I went, I saw
Beck take a huge bite

out of the GEICO
lizard in the VIP tent.

Mm-hmm, yes.
That's exactly the vibe.

And we Tobins are not immune
to the wanton freedom in the air

during the week
leading up to the dance.

Sure, this week started off with
us doing something very normal,

our usual Sunday Serenades,
which is where we all sing

compliments to each
other. Very normal.

Yeah, very normal.

♪ Moon is very organized ♪

♪ And Judy has
such gleaming eyes ♪

♪ Dad's elbows are
the perfect size. ♪

Honeybee, I need to see
you in the guest house ASAP.

Oh, no, what is it? Is the
furnace doing that thing

where you think it's
saying your name again?

Nope. I'll explain when
we get there. Come on, run.

What was up with
Wolf? Was he dying?

(chuckles) In a way.

You see, Wolf has a little...

he's got a little issue
with the Corn Caddy.

So, hold on, it's a what Caddy?

Corn Caddy. It's a food truck

that occasionally comes through
town and serves corn on the cob.

It's shaped like a
giant ear of yellow corn

with a big butter pat on it,
and it glistens in the sun.

Oh, how it glistens.

And it makes you H-O-R-N-Y?

Extremely.

And that's why we had
to come back here and...

- Yup.
- Okay, okay.

I got to get a peep
of this buttery Jeep,

see what all the fuss is about.

Oh, you're gonna
love it. It's so shiny.

Uh-oh. I thought about it again.

(laughs)

I think I get it. I have a
weird thing about Slim Jims.

I love those little perverts.

And don't get me
started on Nerds candies.

You're attracted
to Nerds candies?

- Awoogah.
- Well, speaking of sweets,

that was the only
part of the Fall Frenzy

that interested Moon.

And once we reach the door,

we offload all the
desserts from the

Fall Frenzy Dance dessert table

into the Dread Sled 2.0,
and vanish into the night.

Or, more specifically,
to my house.

Our garage freezer
is completely empty

except for one package of
Healthy Boy Bacon Crammers.

Oh, I love Bacon Crammers.

Jamie and I always split
one when we watch the news.

How many desserts do you
think we're looking at here?

All in, we're talking
a score north of 240

individual servings of sweets.

Minimum 60 each.

- (whistles)
- Yeah.

Remember, tell no one.

Especially not Quinn Notti,

whose mom makes the
famous beaver brownies.

She's smart and will
figure out what we're up to

if she even gets a whiff.

(Henry scoffs)

Of course we're
not gonna tell her.

You don't see the Hamburglar

telling Ronald McDonald's
daughter what he's up to,

and... (laughs) the
Hamburglar is the best in the biz.

Uh, fun heist story, Jude,

but let's get back to the
fact that you and Gill kissed.

Oh, that, well, okay, fine.
Here's how it got started.

I was just walking
down the hall,

innocently practicing my
speech for debate class...

And that concludes my
argument as to why Garfield

permanently changed
lasagna culture... What? What?

- What the... What's going on?
- Come with us, Miss.

Guys, what is happening?

This. This is happening.

"Gill's Plan To Kiss Judy

At the Fall Frenzy
Dance." Oh, my God.

I was walking behind
Gill this morning

when it fell out
of his notebook.

It is detailed,
and it is specific.

"Step one: Show
her my fingernails.

Very clean." Oh, God.

Step 14 really caught my eye.

"Ask Judy whether she
knows how often sloths poop."

I mean, of course I know that,

it's once a week
at its most frequent,

but how would that
lead to kissing me?

The plan has 98 steps,

so that must just be when
he's making conversation.

Step 53 just says, "wiggle."

Oh, God.

Look, Kima and I are both
gonna be at the Frenzy,

so we can run interference.

Yeah, I broke up with
Tab again this morning

because he couldn't name
one single female author,

and then, when I got mad,
he said, "Fine, Baby Shark."

- That's not good.
- Rough.

So, yeah, I'm
free to Gill-block.

Me, too. I'm only
going to the dance

to see adults acting
drunk and weird.

Thanks for helping
me, guys. I mean,

Gill is nice, he is nice,

but I am not interested
in him sexually,

or sensually, or sexsensually,

which is sex, but with
candles and a breeze.

If he kissed me, it would be...

(imitates video
game sound effects)

- Game over for our friendship.
- (school bell rings)

You know what I
mean? Oh, holy crud.

What is step 74? "Drop
into the Gill Zone"?

I pray we never have to know.

Okay, so it sounds like you
had a pretty good plan in place

to keep Gill from getting his
smackers on your crackers.

What went wrong?

Mm-hmm, yeah, gonna dive back

into that shortly, can't wait,

but I wasn't the only one
about to get caught up

in the absolute
swamp of feelings

that is the Fall Frenzy.

JUDY: Thanks
for the ride, Dad.

Actually, guys, I'm
coming in with you.

I need some new work gloves,

and Crazy, Stupid, Gloves
is having a 30% off sale.

Oh, look, Crispy,
there's still 15 minutes

'til your shift starts
at Smoothie Boss.

We have enough
time to stand in front

of the Magic Eye poster kiosk

with our arms around each other

and watch that pair of dolphins

emerge out of the field of dots.

We're coming, Richard
and Susan Dolphin.

Prepare to be seen.

BEEF: Oh, pardon my fingertips.

Beef Tobin?

Dell? I-I thought you'd gone

to Susnita for salmon season.

I did, and it just ended.
That's why I came back.

You look ruddier
than I remember.

Thank you. Your nose skin

looks quite chapped.

Please, there are people around.

Beef, there's something
I have to tell you.

During my salmon
trip, I met a gentleman.

Understood. I'll
trouble you no more.

No, wait.

As you know, in the past,

my suitors have always
met with gruesome deaths,

which is why I was
hesitant to go out with you,

but this new guy, Alan...

- Damn his eyes.
- Beef.

- Sorry.
- Well, he survived our entire relationship.

He got pretty severe
food poisoning at one point,

but that's on him for eating a
French dip he found in the park.

100%. But the relationship?

It's ended, then?

Yes, and that is why

I feel bold enough to ask you:

Would you go to the Fall
Frenzy Dance with me?

- (chuckles) Yes.
- STORE CLERK: Um,

if you keep holding
hands in the gloves,

you'll have to purchase those.

- Put them on my tab.
- You don't have a tab.

I don't know who you are.

I'm a man with a date
to the Fall Frenzy Dance

and a new pair of gloves.

So, is it all right if we
meet at the dance?

I'll be coming straight
from helping my cousin out

with her
sausage-making business.

I pick the bones and
gristle out of the meat mush.

Of course you do.

- Anyhow, toodle-loo.
- Farewell.

I hate to see her
leave, but I enjoy

when she is walking
away from me.

- Beef?
- Oh. Hello, Ms. Meatweep.

I thought that might be
you, and then I thought,

"Greta, just because a man looks
exactly like a person you know

who looks exactly like
that, doesn't mean it's him."

Anyway, I'm so glad it is you

because I was meaning
to call you to ask you

to go to the Fall
Frenzy with me.

The Frenzy. Yes, I...

- Oh, you said yes.
- Oh, uh, I-I...

Wonderful. I'll meet you there

- because I have a late doctor's appointment.
- Mm.

Unfortunately, I've developed

- a condition called creamy clavicle.
- Mm.

All neck jewelry
just slides right off.

Okay, see you there.

Wait. Come back. No.

Two dates to the same dance.

My God, what have I done?

Ooh, and this one's a ring pop.

- Sir, no it's not.
- Well, it should be.

- It's delicious.
- Oh, wow.

I love Magic 8 Balls.

They're like little goth
grapefruits with wizards inside.

Looks great. Really
brings out your knuckles.

I don't have $19
to spend right now.

I'm saving up to buy my dad
a mystery kite for his birthday.

It comes with a blindfold
that you can't take off

until it's up in the air.

Well, time to go
to work. Shall we?

Actually, um, I'm gonna
go check the "you are here"

on the mall directory
map real quick.

I don't think I'm there.

All right, see you later,
sweet Sir Tobin of Hamelot.

See you.

I'll take this 8
Ball ring, please.

It's a surprise for my
boyfriend. (chuckles)

Yeah, well, here's a
surprise for you, honey,

I don't really care.

I see what

you're saying about
creating a whole new category

of handsome guys
called Tank Top Tonys.

Oh, hey, there's that truck

- you like. Wolf?
- (sensual music playing)

Oingo boingo.

Babe?

Are you there,
God? It's me, horny.

Wolf, stop!

- (screams, grunts)
- (gasps)

- Babe, you okay?
- Oh, no, my bones.

Well, Judy, I say

you ought to just kiss Gill.

He has such a gentle energy,
like an anesthetized owl.

Ew, Alyson, no. I'm
not kissing Gill or an owl.

Unless it was, like-like,
a dangerous owl

that rode a motorcycle
and called me "Judy Baby."

Mm-kay, that could be something,
that could be something for me.

- Judy. -Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hello, Beef.

I was just telling Judy
about the benefits

of dating nice guys and...
Hey, that gives me an idea.

Would you like to go to the
Fall Frenzy Dance with me?

-Um... -ALANIS: Oh, no.

Your Dad said yes, didn't he?

You bet he did.

He was in the frenzy
up to his french fries.

Three dates. A
classic father four-way.

Judy, that sounds weird.

- You're telling me.
- So, what happened next?

And when are you
gonna spill about Gill?

Oh, I'd love to tell
you about it, I just...

I'm so into that,
but I... I have to pee.

Really? You're not just
saying that to avoid telling me?

No. I really have to pee.
And I also have to poop,

and it's all... it's a lot.
So, I'll be right back.

I didn't need to
know about the poop.

JUDY: Hey, don't
be a prude, Alanis.

- Okay, I'm back.
- Wonderful. Now, let's buckle down

and hear how Gill
managed to kiss you.

Yes... girl. (laughs)

I can't wait to tell
you that, but first,

let me tell you a little
bit more about Ham.

Before we knew it, it
was the night of the dance.

And so, Crispin,

I offer you this
ring as a token...

Hey, Ham, we're...

Oh, my goodness,
is that a ring? (gasps)

- Are you proposing?
- What? No.

Crispin just liked this ring
at the mall, so I got it for him.

Wait, do you think he's
gonna think I'm proposing?

Is this too much? Oh, God.

You getting hitched?

(scoffs) Seriously,

can everyone stop saying that?

It's just a $19 ring I bought
for my boyfriend for fun.

Oh, why couldn't he
have just liked an anklet?

Ham, relax. It'll
be fine. He'll love it.

Don't do that thing

where you let absolutely
everyone get in your head.

Oh, God, do I do that?
You're right, I do do that.

Oh, why do I do that?!

Ham, remember what tonight is.

You're frenzying. Don't
make me pinch you.

- Please pinch me.
- I'll do it.

Ow. Damn it. (sighs)

That's much better.
Thank you, Moon.

No prob.

BEEF: Children,

before we go in, I need
a little dating advice.

I'm afraid that I have
fallen into a frenzy hole

of epic proportions.

What are you talking about, Dad?

I accidentally said
yes to three dates.

GILL: Step one, show
Judy my fingernails.

- Very clean.
- (gasps)

(stammers) Sorry, Dad, we're
gonna have to help you later.

Right now, I need everybody
to form a circle around me

and walk me into the
building in a protective huddle

that will not let any outsider's
lips anywhere near me.

- Copy that, Judy.
- But, guys,

I'm about to be a
total doof in there.

Yeah, well, doof it up,
Dad. It's Fall Frenzy.

Okay, we're about
halfway there and...

- Lordy, Lordy, look who's corny.
- (sensual music playing)

- Wolf.
- I'm just gonna go stand near it.

I-I'll be careful, I-I promise.

All right, but I'm
coming with you.

You aren't safe near that cob.

But, guys, I need you.

It's Fall Frenzy, Judy.
You said it yourself.

Ugh. Fine. Moon, Ham, can
you continue to shuffle me in?

Let the continued sister
shuffling commence.

Hmm... Maybe if I see
any of my dates tonight,

I'll just say,
"Draculas," and point.

Ah, no. Then they'll
turn to where I'm pointing,

and they'll see there
are no Draculas.

I could say, "The
president needs me,"

and pretend to talk
into my cell phone.

(grunts) If only I were
someone else tonight.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I should just claim to
be someone named... Derek,

and run away politely.

All right, that's the
plan. I'll just stay calm

- and...
- Beef?

No, I'm Derek. Politely.

Okay, guys, if you could
just shuffle me over to Kima.

Hey. Crispin.

- Russell, Henry.
- Guys, no, I...

- Oh, hi, Judy.
- ALANIS: Wait, so he didn't show you

- his very clean fingernails?
- Nope.

And he didn't do
step two, either,

which was, "tell her I
know what CVS means."

- What does it mean?
- Well, I guess I'll never know.

And he also didn't
do number six,

which was, "wink and twirl."

I mean, I was
standing right there.

Huh. So it was like he...

Lost interest in kissing me.

Did something change about
me in the last couple days? (gasps)

Do I have a piece of buttered
toast stuck to my back again?

Don't let your guard down, Judy.

He's probably
just biding his time.

Uh-oh. He's on the
move. He's... he's... huh.

He's just heading
to the soup station.

He's getting a
handful of gazpacho,

like with his actual hands.

But what about his
"fingernails, very clean"?

Ah, there you are, I've
been looking all over for...

Not now, Dell. The
president needs me

because there are
so many Draculas.

- What?
- Go for Derek.

- Hey, Beef.
- Sorry, Alyson, can't talk.

What's that, sir? The Draculas
are in the White House?

What in the world?

- What do you have there?
- This?

Oh, it's my hand.

I use it for all kinds of stuff,

like... this... and, um, that.

All right. You want to
get our picture taken?

We could do a wacky one.

Oh, wow, the
bathroom line is short,

maybe I'll go take advantage
of that. Be right back.

(Ham sighs)

- What do you got there?
- Oh, it's a ring for my boyfriend.

- Proposing, huh?
- What... No. Absolutely not.

I'm 17, and I'm not gonna let

someone else get
in my head about this.

I got married at 17 to my high
school sweetheart, Trishup.

My angel. Thought it was love.

And it wasn't?

I mean, it might've
started that way,

but we never
sowed our wild oats.

We came to resent each other.

Next thing you know, she
was spending all her time

at the Square Dance Saloon,
and I was building a truck

that looked like
a big ear of corn,

just driving it around
to get some space.

Oh, no, from
Trishup, your angel?

Yup. Do yourself a favor, son.

If you love this
guy, let him go.

Oh, God, really? Y-You think
I should break up with him?

It's like Bobby Frost said,
"Nothing gold can stay."

-(groans) -All right, got to go
send the fudge to the sludge.

Oh, God, he did it.
He got in my head.

You got to calm down, Ham.

Oh, I'm gonna pinch myself. Ow!

Nope. Didn't work.
Still freaking out.

Once we're through the
doors, we load the desserts

in the sled and head due east.

By the time they
realize what we've done,

these desserts will be
in an offshore account

in the Cayman Islands.

Beef? Please, Beef, turn around.

We've put together what happened
here tonight. The three dates.

I am so sorry. I've never
had to say no to a date before.

Except one time in
elementary school,

when a young lady asked if
I wanted to watch her uncle

read the Bible to
his pigs. So, I was...

- Flummoxed. Beef, we're not angry.
- You're not?

We all know you're
a really nice guy.

And it's Fall Frenzy.
This is what happens.

Besides, the three of
us have been having

a really great time talking.

Turns out, we have a lot in
common. We all love to read.

And none of us plays the harp,

but we each have
one in our homes.

And, turns out,
we all have tattoos

of Tweety Bird
near our butt cracks.

Oh, my.

Anyway, Beef, we came over here

to ask you to dance.

With... all three of you?

Why not? The lake's not frozen
over yet, and neither are we.

Well, I am in menopause,

if that's what that's
a metaphor for.

All right, then, let's Frenzy.

WOLF: I can't believe he
left the window open for us

to climb in. Rookie
mistake when Wolf's around.

- Huh.
- Huh, what?

I thought that if I ever
got in the Corn Caddy,

I'd never want to
leave, or maybe I'd die,

but I think seeing the truck

from the inside
might've cured me.

Woo. I'm just
gonna let a little more

cool air in here, my
Corny Sigourney.

- (alarm blaring)
- (gasps)

-(screaming) -Let's go, let's
go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

- (Honeybee screams)
- WOLF: Go, go, go, go, go, go.

- My Corn Caddy.
- I'm sorry. I panicked.

I'm panicking.

Crispin, here, I
bought you that ring,

and I am breaking up with you.

- Wait, stop.
- What is it?

You skipped over the part about
how Gill managed to kiss you.

- Oh. Did I?
- Yes, and you have to tell me.

Uh, yeah. Want to
tell you about that.

Fully cannot wait, but
first, I have to tell you

how the dessert table
started acting absolutely

- haunted as hell.
- The desserts are deserting us.

Oh, hello, Moon.

Quinn. You heisted our heist.

Fair play. The
desserts are yours.

Or maybe there's
a deal to be struck.

Go on.

You see, the beaver
brownie leftovers

come home with my family.

Your heist endangered
my score, so...

You did what you had to do.

But I have nowhere to
hide all these desserts,

so I want in on your deal
and on your friendship.

My friends Lola and
Corinne got really into makeup

and a website called
"Bunches of Boys" this year,

and no judgement,
but that is not how I ride.

I think we could make that work.

Oh, my God, I
think they're in love.

Shut it, Russell. We
still have a job to do.

- Yes, sir.
- Let's cake and bake.

Ham, what's going on?

- Do you really want to break up with me?
- No.

- God, no.
- Well, then...?

Well, I bought you that
8 Ball ring at the mall,

but then Judy and
Moon got in my head

thinking you would
think I was proposing.

And then there was a
man in line for the bathroom

who said if we did
wind up staying together

and getting married,
then someday, I would

have to watch the lovelight
die in your eyes, and...

and I don't want you
to ever have to go down

to the Square Dance Saloon
just to get away from me.

Ham, no disrespect
to your siblings,

or to a man you met
in the bathroom line,

but I know you just bought
me that ring 'cause I liked it.

Also, I mean, my
parents met in high school

and then got married,
and... they're still together.

Everybody's different.

Our future's like the dolphins
in the Magic Eye poster.

We'll see it eventually, and
it'll probably be breathtaking.

-Mm. -Mm.

- So, can I still have the ring?
- Of course.

So, ring, will Ham and
I be together forever?

And then that was that. The
Fall Frenzy was over and...

- Judy...
- (grunts) Fine. I'll tell you about the kiss.

♪ ♪

You know what, guys?
Uh... I'll be right back.

Um, hey, Gill?

- Oh, hey, Judy.
- Can I ask you something?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, Amelia found this?

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Gill. Gill.

It's okay, Judy, if you
never want to see me again.

Gill, that's not... No,
that's not what I'm saying.

- It's just, um...
- Yeah?

Why didn't you do it? The plan?

I mean, you didn't even try.

Did you stop thinking
I was that great?

Judy, no. This plan is
from my vision journal.

I also have plans in
there for how to make

my hamster Peanut
Butter part android,

and how to get Paul Newman
to give me a piggyback ride.

And he's not even alive,
Judy. What am I gonna do?

Dig up his body, and get his
skeleton to ride me around?

The point is, these plans are...

they're not real.
They're just...

my wildest, wildest dreams.

So, your wildest, wildest dream

is that someday
you'll get to kiss me?

Yeah.

Ah, freak it, it's the Frenzy.

-Mm. -Mm.

(grunting)

Oh, that's why you
didn't want to tell me,

because you kissed him.

Yeah, but it wasn't... I mean,
it was just... Fall Frenzy.

Stuff happens. You know,
autumn if you got 'em.

- Yeah, uh-huh.
- And then,

the ice freezes over
and so do the feelings,

and then we never
talk about them

or think about them ever again.

Okay. If you say so.

Yeah, I do say so. I do.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to hit the hay.
It's been a very long day,

and also, frankly, I
have to poop some more.

All right, m'Judy.
Have fun pooping.

I will. You, too.

♪ ♪

♪ Drop into the Gill Zone ♪

♪ If you want to get that girl ♪

♪ Boy, you got
to wink and twirl ♪

♪ She is closer than you think ♪

♪ Just give a twirl and wink ♪

♪ Got to tell her ♪

♪ What she means ♪

♪ Show her how
your nails are clean ♪

♪ And you can make
her all your own ♪

♪ Drop into the Gill Zone ♪

♪ Did I tell you
about the time ♪

♪ I found a mushroom
in my bed? ♪

♪ If you're wondering
what's that sound ♪

♪ It's probably me
inside your head ♪

♪ Saying, "You'll never
have to be alone ♪

♪ You dropped
into the Gill Zone." ♪

You want to know
what CVS stands for?