The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Morroccan Roll - full transcript

Hello, everybody.

Hello. Thank you.

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Hello, everybody.
Welcome to the Grand Tour,

which, this week,
comes from the Netherlands.

We're setting something
of a record, actually,

cos we are the first three
British men ever to come here
for a weekend

and not vomit
on a prostitute.

Actually,
we love coming to Holland.



James for his...
for his own reasons.

And I like it because
the Dutch are officially

the tallest people on earth.

It's true. True fact.

- Yes, and I hate it here.
- I'm sick of...

I'm sick of staring
at belly buttons all day.

The only problem I do have here
is that I'm not allowed to use
the word "swaffelen".

- Yeah.

Well, you just did,
didn't you?

No, the thing is, OK,
it is a really bad word here,

and I have no idea why.

- What does it mean?
- It means...

It means to bang
your gentleman sausage...

...on the side
of the Taj Mahal.



Oh, God!

Anyway, listen. Erm...

We're in Rotterdam,
which is a marvellous city,
in fact,

because you aren't allowed to
bring a car into the city -

a petrol car -
if it was built before 1992.

You aren't allowed to bring
a diesel car into the city
if it was built before 2000,

which means you're never
held up by poor people.

-Really?
-What else can we say
about the Dutch?

-Oh, of course, you gave
the world speed cameras.
-Oh, yeah.

-So thank you very much
for that.
-Thank you.

No, actually,
I'd far rather be pulled over

by the actual Dutch police
rather than a speed camera,

cos, boy, oh, boy,
do these guys look good.

-We've got a picture here.
-Whoa!

I would very much like to see
a lady policeman in an outfit
like that.

- It looks like the guy
on the right already has.

- Shall we get on
with the show... man?

Yes, good idea. Er...

And coming up in our
programme about cars
this week...

I try to pull a camel.

Come on. Come on.

A donkey pulls James.

And Richard gets stuck
in a cow orgy.

I-I really am alarmed.

But first, there's been a bit
of an argument in the office
between these two.

You see, Richard maintains

that the Mazda MX-5
is all the sports car
you would ever need.

-Because it is.
-Mm-hm.
But James says it isn't.

Because it isn't.

So we decided
they should sort it out

by going to
the obvious proving ground
for all sports cars:

North Africa.

This is it,

the latest version of
the bestselling two-seater
roadster of all time.

And it's easy to see why.

Peppy little engine
at the front,

two seats in the open air in
the middle, rearwheel drive.

It's the perfect
sports-car recipe.

But layered on top of that
in this new version

you get air conditioning,
heated seats,

lane-departure assist,
cruise control,

rain-sensing wipers,
dusk-sensing headlamps.

You just can't do any better.

Well, you can, actually,
because all of those luxury
items you're mentioning now,

they just add weight,
and they mean it isn't
a true sports car any more.

-Yes, it is.
-No, it isn't.

Colin Chapman, he was
the bloke who founded Lotus,

he said the ethos of
a sports car is simplify
and add lightness.

He didn't say you simplify
and add electric windows.

Yep, and then he gave all his
money away to a drug dealer
called John DeLorean.

This, ladies and gentlemen,
is what it's actually about.

This is called the Zenos.

You get four wheels,
you get somewhere to sit,
an engine, and that's it.

It's a sports car.

-Yeah.
What do you do if it rains?
-Well, you'd get wet.

What if you want to listen
to the radio?

Why would I want to listen
to the radio around here?

-Does it have a heater?
-No.

-Has it got windows?
-Look, if you buy
a football boot,

you don't expect it to be
usable as a ballet shoe,
do you?

But Mazda has invented
a football boot that you can
wear to the opera.

Look, I can guarantee
that if you wear that shoe
to the opera house...

At this point,
the director said

he'd heard enough about shoes
for one day...

...and told us
to go for a drive.

Right, now I'm away from
Hammond's luxury sports car
resort,

let me tell you a little bit
about this remarkable car.

It's powered by
the 2L turbocharged engine

from the Ford Focus ST,
giving 250 horsepower.

That's mounted in the middle,
right behind my head there,

driving the rear wheels
through a no-nonsense,

old-school six-speed gearbox.

Now, 250 horsepower
doesn't sound like a huge
amount in the modern world,

but this car,
made with an aluminium spine

and composite tub,
and all the rest of it,

weighs less than
three quarters of a tonne,

so it is genuinely quick.

Look... Whoa!

Yeah!

It makes the noise of some
futuristic propulsion system
powered by antimatter.

Yes! Electrifying!

James comes from a world
where he wants his phone
and his camera separate.

"I like a paper diary."

This Mazda is a smartphone.
It does everything.

It looks brilliant,
it will be endlessly reliable,
it's fast,

it's got speakers
in the headrests,
and it handles well.

And you can get an MX-5
from £18,500.

James's car
starts at £33,000,

and you don't even get doors!

My shed has got doors.

I furnish my cats with doors.

You need doors.

I bet he's being shaken
to death in that thing.

I bet Hammond thinks
I'm being shaken to death
in here,

but actually he's wrong,

because this isn't like
a BAC Mono or a Radical.

It is obviously very much a
car for taking on the track,

but it's been tuned
for road use.

It's quite supple.

See? Look.

Bump. It's all right.

I'm very relaxed.

Eventually,
we pulled over
for a cup of coffee

and a bit more arguing
about doors.

Just because they had them
in the 12th century

on cathedrals, whatever,
you don't need them now.

Don't be a slave
to convention.

But people had eyelids
in the 12th century,

and nobody's deciding,
"Let's get rid of those,
they're old hat."

"Oh, no! I've got dust in
my eyes and I can't sleep."

That's completely facile,
Hammond. You know exactly
what I mean.

The door... I mean,
Riva speedboats
don't have doors.

You don't say...

This is lovely, isn't it?

What are you doing here?

Well, word reached me that
you two were talking rubbish.

-What do you mean, "rubbish"?
-Well, if you want
the best sports car,

you don't want a Mazda
or a Zenos. You want--

Oh, God.
He's brought an Alfa Romeo.

Yes, of course I have.

Alfa Romeo 4C Spider.

This is what
I'm talking about.

A symphony in carbon fibre.

Balance personified.

The Graduate updated.

A mini Ferrari,
as cute as a bunny rabbit,

with the greatest badge
in the history of mo--

How much is it?

-You know perfectly well
how much it is.
-Yeah, we've forgotten.

Money is vulgar.

You can't put a price
on something
as exquisite as that.

Yeah, but Alfa Romeo
did put a price on it,
didn't they?

And what was it?

Sixty thousand pounds.

So you could have both
of our cars and everything
in the back of shot

for the price of
one of these Alfa Romeos?

I know, it is extraordinary
value for money.

-It's too far
from outside to inside.
-It's miles!

Yes, thick sills...

-Here we go.
-...for strength.

Look at this,
rotary heater knobs.

-It's like being in
the 1970s.
-Yeah, it is, actually.

This handbrake, look at that.

Is that fixed on
or does that come off?

Alfa Romeo, purveyors
of disappointment
for nearly three decades.

- Look at this. Classy.

Yeah.
Feel the quality in that.
Let me feel that.

Mm.
Sixty thousand
pounds?!

- Mm. And this...

That's what you want to hear.

If you ever buy
a new item of clothing,
never show it these two.

"What are you wearing that
jacket for? It makes you look
like a German gameshow host."

- That's satisfying.

Why are you wearing
that jacket?

Because I was at a party
in India last night,

and I've hurried over here.

Why did you go
to the party

dressed as a German
gameshow host?

Soon,
I grew weary of their abuse

and set off in what,
be in no doubt,

is my favourite car
on sale today.

I will admit, there are
one or two tiny little
problems with the 4C.

Trivial stuff.

It's very wide. The gearbox
is a little bit dim-witted.

If you fit sports exhausts,
the noise is catastrophic.

The petrol tank...
yeah, that's too small.

You've really only got
a range of 300... yards.

And then there's
the steering.

There's no power assistance,
so it's incredibly heavy
when you're parking,

there's no feel
when you're on the move.

And then,
and this is its party piece,

just occasionally,
it'll go violently left
or right for no reason.

Whoa! You see that?

Bloody hell.

But look at it this way,
we could all probably find
fault with our children,

and yet...
we still love them.

Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos

because,
back in the old days,

they were great...
but they're not any more.

Plenty of things were great.

Greece.

Rolf Harris.

You can't love them now.

Another small problem
with the Alfa

that I didn't mention earlier

is that you get cramp
after five minutes.

Ooh! Arg!

I'm gonna have to stop
and go for a walk,

and they'll want to know why,

and I'll have to tell them
I need a wee or something.

No, diarrhoea.

Sorry, I've got to stop.
I've got to stop.

I'm just stopping
for a minute here. Hang on.

Why are you stopping
for a minute?

Ohhh! Nothing.

Well,
why are you hopping about?

Look at the snowy mountains.

You are welcome to Morocco.

Ah, merci, monsieur.
Comment ça va?

God above.

-Have you got cramp?
-No.

Yes, you have.

Right, good.
Well, I've seen the view.

I just wanted to see
the view, and it's lovely.

Back on the road,
James suddenly delivered

a very un-James-manlike
observation.

My car is seriously quick!

It's not as fast as this.

Yeah, I bet it is.

James, this has a
turbocharged 1750cc engine

from a Fiat Punto.

Mine's 2L with
a twin-scroll turbocharger.

Have you noticed Hammond
is being strangely quiet
on the subject of speed?

Oh, just listening
to you two bicker.

I am a bit down on power,
if I'm honest.

I think Hammond's in a sort of
retirement home for former
distressed sports-car owners.

Right, next straight bit
of road, James May,

I will pull over
and show you
what real speed is.

Cows.

On a roof rack.
I've never seen that.

Soon, we found
a suitable stretch of road...

...and Hammond agreed
to be the starter.

-I've got launch control.
-Not interested.

Are you ready?
Before anyone comes.

In three, two, one, go!

Well, now,
that's just impossible!

It's the Zenos...

which means James May
has just won a drag race.

But for me, that
wasn't the biggest surprise.

I don't understand
why this lost,

because instead of
a conventional chassis,

it has a carbon-fibre tub,

like you get
in a Formula One car

or a McLaren P1.

And a carbon-fibre tub
makes a car...
expensive, but light.

Very light.

I'm trying to work out
why I lost that race.

I think it's cos your car
isn't as fast as mine.

That was a factor.

Yeah, but mine is so light.

How do you know it's light?

Every time Alfa say
how much it weighs,

they give a different figure.

Yeah,
that's because they've got

better things to do
than go around
weighing cars.

When Picasso had finished
one of his paintings,

he didn't say, "Oh, I wonder
how much that weighs."

You need to know
the weight of an Alfa
for when you resell it,

because you buy scrap cars
by weight.

With the Zenos,
that was built in Norfolk,

so obviously
they're gonna weigh it -
there's nothing else to do.

This is from Milan.

They finished making it,
and then they went into town
with one and pulled girls.

It's massive and
it's made of pig iron,

that's the problem.

I can see
the carbon fibre...

The weight argument raged on
for the rest of the journey.

So, that night,
at the hotel,

I came up with a plan.

I'm gonna weigh
all three cars

to prove the Alfa's
the lightest.

The problem with your plan
is that you'd need
a weighbridge, and...

-Yes.
-Well, hang on.

-Well, get one.
-No, there isn't one.

I have got the hotel brochure
here, actually,

and, do you know,
it's got three restaurants,

a spa, and a gym,
a business centre,
tennis court.

Mm-hm.
- But with one
glaring omission.

-What?
-There's no weighbridge.

-No!
-They haven't thought of that.
I'd knock a star off.

I shall build one.

I shall build a weighbridge,
and then you shall see.

-I will build a weighbridge.
-That could have been

a really useful
and interesting test,
and you've ruined it.

People are interested in
Alfa Romeos!

People are
interested in murders,
they don't want to see one.

Anyway, anyway, we'll have
more of that later on,

but first, it is now time
for us to engage reverse

and park neatly in a marked
space on Conversation Street.

Right, now,
which nation on earth
has the worst police cars?

Oh, that's some good
conversation.
I like that one.

The worst police cars,
it's definitely not the
Americans, is it,

because they have those
Crown Vics, and they're
rearwheel drive V8s.

-That's what you need.
-They're good police cars.
Not the Americans.

-Erm...
-It's us. It's the British.

Yeah.
We have those dreary little
Vauxhall diesel Astras.

Opels if you live here.

Or, if you're in America,
those miserable little
Chevrolets

that are actually Daewoos.
It's awful.

Most countries
around the world

would traditionally have
always had a police car
that was made there,

one of their own cars.
Wouldn't they?

And the funny thing is,
that's not what they
used to do here.

-In Holland?
-No.

You don't surprise me.

What they actually had for
many years, about 30 years,
was Porsches.

-What?
-The police used Porsches,
yeah. Remember? Yeah.

-Do you know, I'd forgotten.
You're right, they did.
-They did.

How did they persuade
the government?

It's masterful.
It's genius.

Absolute respect
to everybody who did it.

What they did was say,
"Right, we need...

Hm. I think we need a Porsche

because it's air-cooled and
the engine is at the back,

and that would be handy
if we have to reverse at
high speed for a long time."

They actually said that?

They did.
And this gets better.

And I'm not making this up.
They did say this.

They need a car
where you can remove the roof

so you can stand on the seats
to address traffic
in an emergency situation.

So what they need
is a 911 Targa,

and matching sunglasses,
I presume, yes.

Did they also say, "And it
comes with 911 on the back

which is our
telephone number"?

The thing is, it doesn't,
and they're still at it,

because the cycle cops
around here,

and there's a lot of them,

they managed to persuade
the government

that they need
mountain bikes.

-What, here?
-In Holland.

It's the flattest country
on earth

and they need mountain bikes!

"Yes, I might see
a mountain." What?!

The best thing...

The best thing is,
it gives us an opportunity
to have one more look

at a photograph of the
Dutch mountain cop police.

There they are.

- Now, I want to talk about
otters.

-What?
-I want to talk about otters.

You see, a few years ago
somebody in Holland

worked out that there were
only 185 otters
in the entire country.

Yeah, Jeremy,
it's a car show.

Bear with me, OK, because
I've got the figures here.

In 2014,
21 of these otters
were run over.

OK? In 2015,
49 were run over.

You only have 185 otters
in the whole country,

and in two years,
you've flattened 70 of them
under your cars.

- What is your problem
with otters?!

The thing is that
I don't want people to get
the wrong impression.

I don't want everyone
to think that Dutch people
go around murdering animals.

Let me explain.

Recently, the government here
spent 150,000 euros,

and that's £150,000,

£160,000, £170,000...

That's Brexit for you.

We can't even afford to put
mayonnaise on our chips now
any more.

Er... Anyway,
they spent 150,000 euros
on a bridge over a road

so squirrels
could cross safely.

We've got a picture
of the bridge.
It's a substantial thing.

You know this bridge?
A famous bridge?

-That's a squirrel bridge?
-Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge.

Anyway, how many squirrels
do you think have used it?

A squillion.

I see where you're going
with that one, James.
No, it isn't.

I've got the figures here.

"CCTV footage
has revealed, in 2014,

three squirrels used it.

In 2015,
it was used only twice."

Well, why didn't
the third squirrel
use it again in 2015?

-It probably got run over.
-Yeah.

By somebody mistaking him
for an otter.

Get it! Get it!

Now... Er...

You've probably read
the other day,
the Dutch are taking a view

on whether to allow
people to...

How can I put this?
Assisted dying of somebody -

feels as though
their life is complete, OK?

This is something that
occupies me a lot,

I'll be honest with you,
because I sometimes think...

"Oh, have I done enough now?"

- Yes.
- No.

No, you know, when?

When would it be appropriate
for me to think,

"Time to end."

- Now.
- No.

-May I get on with it?
-Yeah, do. Do it now.

No, what I want to say is,
OK...

I'll get the forms,
there can't be many.

The time comes... Ssh!

The time, I think, comes
when you stop wanting
to be an idiot.

That's the time
when you've done enough.

- I know what you mean.
- No, actually, you are right,

cos I think it's the moment
where you go into
a big department store,

and you go into
the kitchenware section,
and you see a tea cosy,

but you don't
put it on your head.

Exactly.

Not putting things
on your head
is a sign it's time.

And the time you don't want to
put gloves on your ears

and pretend to be a reindeer.

-I think that's just you,
Hammond.
-It's just me, isn't it?

Here's the moment
I think you know.

You're driving up a motorway.
There's a train track
next to you.

A train comes. It could be
one of those fast ones.

The day when you don't try
and race the train,

that's the day.

-Yes.
-I have to race the train.

I have to go faster
than the train

so everyone on the train
looks at me and goes,

"I've made the wrong
travel choice.

"I should have gone
in the car. It's quicker."

If you're ever on a train and
you look out of the window,

you're overtaking me
and I can't be bothered
to race you,

it's because I'm on my way to
the new Dutch death clinic.

And that is the end of
Conversation Street.

Now, if you have children,

there's every chance
they'll spend every
spare second they have

playing Zombie Splatter 7 ,

or some other such
computer game,

but what about
more traditional board games?

Kids these days say they're not
interested in such games,

but I believe they would be
if they were bigger

and involved cars.

To prove our point,

we've come here,
to the countryside.

And on the board-game front,

we shall start with
a classic.

A game where two players
try and guess where
each other's ships are,

and then blow them up
by firing missiles at them.

It's a simple game,

and, as such, if you want
to play it with cars,

you don't need much.

In fact, all you need

is a massive
former Cold War airfield

with enough tarmac
to accommodate the board
for your board game.

With a big enough slab
of airfield,

you can then lay out
your grid,

onto which you can place
your battleships.

And all you need for that

is several thousand pounds'
worth of old cars.

But not any old cars.

This stretch limo,
for example,

may have seen active service
on hundreds of hen nights,

but it makes
the perfect aircraft carrier.

And then there's
this Toyota Prius.

Its electric engine makes it
perfect as a submarine,

silent running.

And then there's this
Chrysler PT Cruiser
convertible.

There is no naval equivalent
for this car,

but who cares if
we blow it up?

Because it is,
after all, crap.

And speaking of blowing up,
we now come to the missiles.

For these,
you need a car that is
frightening and lethal.

A car that strikes fear
into other motorists.

And what better car
could there be for this job

than the magnificent G-Wiz?

All I needed now
was an opponent,

a board-game veteran,

a man who thinks
Call Of Duty

is a visit to
the lavatory.

That's excellent, Hammond.
You've thought of everything.

I know, I have.
Containers as the fence.

A fireman, in case things
get out of hand.

A health-and-safety bloke to
stop us blowing ourselves up.

Cars that look exactly like
ships. The lot.

But how will you fire
the missiles at the cars?

Well,
that is the real genius
in my plan.

Easy, powerful and proven.

Fire the G-Wiz missiles
with the movie cannon.

-You reckon
that's accurate enough?
-Well, it's a cannon.

But you've got to hit
a specific square.

You aim the cannon.
You adjust the trajectory
and the elevation.

-You can work that out?
-It's a cannon.

To shut James up,
I took one of the spare cars

to demonstrate
a practice shot.

Right, we're all set.

It's fully charged.
Pressure's good. Fire.

I had a better idea
for the weapons-launching
system.

So, there you go.

You call out
the grid reference
that you want,

and the driver just
manoeuvres the jib
exactly over that square,

and then drops
the G-Wiz missile.

It is absolutely
unerringly accurate.

I like that.

Unlike everything else
I've done here,
with all this stuff,

this is all things you can do
at home in your garden.

With the giant containers

making sure
neither of us could see
what the other was doing,

...James and I moved
our battleships into place.

And with the board laid out,
it was time to play.

Right, the hen-night limos
each require two hits
to be sunk.

Both the motorhomes,
they each require two hits
to be sunk as well.

And then my Prius
and your PT Cruiser,

they each require one
to be sunk.

We've got ten G-Wiz missiles
each.

Five hits needed to win.
Got it?

Yes, right.

Having won the toss,
James would be first to fire,

but I had a cunning plan
to thwart him.

What I've done
is put a couple of my ships
right out on the edges,

because James will think,
"Hammond's a bit thick,

and it's a typically
amateurish tactic to put
your ships on the edge,

so that's what
he'll have done."

But then he'll think,
"Hang on.

Even Hammond's
not that thick.

He just wants me
to think he's thick,

so he'll have put his cars
in the middle."

James will then
not go for the edges,

he'll go for the middle.

But my ships
will be at the edges.

It's like a... double,
or even a triple bluff.

Now, Hammond is a bit thick,
really,

so I reckon he'll have put his
all around the edges.

D2, please.

Fire!

-What was that?
-It was my limo.

Hit on your limo on D2,
thank you. Your shot.

Red crane driver,
I'd like C4, please. C4.

Fire!

That's a miss.

C4, miss.

Back to my original theory.

Hammond will have gone
along the edge,

I'm pretty confident
in that.

So is it there,
or is it there?

Green crane driver,
fire at D1.

Fire!

-Yes!
-You sank my limousine!

One sinking to me,
a miss for Admiral Hammond.

And you've overdone
the explosives.

One plan would be,
if you're playing this
at home,

do it on a day when there's
a lot of barbecues in the area.

That way,
people will just think,
"Well, yeah,

it's a big barbecue
they're having next door."

With my aircraft carrier
gone

and James's fleet unscathed,
I had to break my duck.

I'd like you to hit B2,
please.

Damn!

B2. Well...

Well, there's no...
Where are they?!

I've just got a feeling.

B1. B1, please.

Red crane driver,
can I have square A1?

Fire!

Oooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Yes! Come on!

Oh, you are on the run!
That is it! Want to give up?

You've sunk my Cruiser.

So that's a big red kill
on A1. Boom!

But James wasn't taking this
lying down.

C3. Fire!

Yes!

You hit my submarine,

my invisible,
silent-running Prius.

I am losing badly.

I've scored only one hit,
he's scored three.

But then
the game started to turn,

as James had a run
of three straight misses.

Fire!

It was a miss! Ha-ha!

Thank you.
I'm closing down my options.

It would close your options
down further if you were to
hit rather than miss.

Which was exactly
what I was now doing.

B3, please.

A3, please.

Yes!

You've sunk my battleship.

I am raining down destruction

on your dwindling fleet
of doomed ships.

You loser. Ha-ha!

No, I'm not losing.
We're neck and neck.

Annoyingly,
James was right.

I still had my battleship
Winnebago,

and he still had his
stretched aircraft carrier,

both of which needed
two hits to destroy.

It was May's turn to play.

B2.

Critical stage
of the game now.

A hit now and I'm in trouble.

Fire!

Come on.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

It shouldn't
feel so good, but it does.

Oh.

It's gonna be here.

Red crane,
target C1, please. C1.

Fire!

Hard luck, Horatio Hammond.

All I've got to do now,

get inside
Richard Hammond's mind.

An awful place, admittedly,
but if I can just
get in there for a second,

which way has he put it?

There and there;
there and there;
there and there?

C2.

Fire!

That'll be a miss.

That, Captain May,
was a miss!

However, while James
now had to choose between
just two squares,

I was looking at
a choice of six.

Red crane,
target C2, please. C2.

Red crane, fire!

I meant C3! I meant...

Yes!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Bollocks.

That mistaken shot
wasn't just a hit,

it had changed everything.

Because I said C2,
when actually I meant three,

in case it was there,

that's a kill - bang -

which means
it has to be there.

It can't be here or here,
so I've got him.

James, you do know
what that means, don't you?

Yes,
I've just worked it out.

I've got to get this right,
otherwise you've won.

-Do you want to surrender?
-No, I don't!

So, I was
now faced with the choice

that would decide the game.

A2 or B3?

A2, B3. What would
Richard Hammond do?

Green-crane driver...

Oh, God.

Come on, you bewildered
old spaniel - miss.

Right. Fire!

Yes! Yes!

Ha-ha!

Oh, God!

Ha-ha-ha!

Yes!

Hammond!

Best of three?

I bet...

I bet the makers
of Sony PlayStation
are quaking in their boots.

Well,
I wouldn't be surprised.

-They will go, "Oh, my..."
-I know. There's the future.

-That was
a total waste of time.
-Well, now, hang on.

No, we destroyed
a PT Cruiser, a Prius
and many G-Wizs.

Well, that's true, yes.
But James...

James?

Never mind. Let's move on to
Celebrity Brain Crash.

Yeah. Now...

This week...

This week,
we don't just have one star,

we have several.

They're one of
the biggest bands

ever to come out of Holland,

and they're going to
begin here,

in the sixth largest port
in the world...

by performing
their biggest hit,

by which I mean...
their hit.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Golden Earring!

And there they are.

I tell you what,

we ought to make the lights go
a bit better.

Can we dim the lights?
That's better.
A bit more rock 'n' roll.

What is their hit?

Well, this is Holland,
birthplace of the speed camera.

It's obvious.
Radar Love.

Oh...

OK,
ladies and gentlemen, erm...

...there's a cable's gone
into the sea here, and...

...Golden Earring
have been electrocuted.

Does that mean
they're not coming on, then?

Well, James,
they've been subjected to
a lethal dose of electricity

and are now lying
on the ground, sizzling,
so it's no.

-They're not, no.
-OK, OK.

That is a very grisly scene.
I apologise for that,
everybody.

Erm... Probably not
as grisly, though,

as if you're looking at us
from out there.

-Eh?
-Well, think about it.

-Oh, yeah!
-Yeah.

We are standing in a window
in a Dutch port,

bathed in red light...

...and we've got no trade
lining up.

-Nobody's here.
-No.

No, I know! I know!
I've had an idea.

I've had an idea
of how we can fill the time

that would have been taken up
by the late Golden Earring.

You see, the thing is...

Can we make the lights
go white again now?
Pretend that never happened.

Good. See, the thing is that,
in Holland,

there are these motorist
accessory stores, OK?

-Oh, yeah.
-They're open all night.
The place is full.

We went to one last night
and bought a load
of amazing stuff

you can use on the road.

Bring it over here.
Let's show you
a couple of things,

I mean, this,
for example.

It's an incredible
safety device.

Yeah.

This is very clever, because
in a lot of car crashes,

people bite their tongues,
sometimes off.

But by wearing this neat
safety device,

no way is he
biting his tongue.

Look at that!
Perfectly safe.
That is clever.

Unbelievable.
And then you can
get traffic cones

that fit in
the glovebox.

This is one here.

Yeah.
- It's not funny stuff,
this is safety material.

-Another one.
-These are compact, so you
can fit them in your boot.

The thing is, though,
OK, in America,

as I'm sure you know,
there are high-occupancy
vehicle lanes.

Er... You're not allowed
to go in them

unless you've got two
or more people in the car.

We've always been
very worried in Europe

that this idea is
gonna come over here,

but the Dutch
have it covered,

because in these
motorist accessory shops,

you can buy
inflatable people.

We've got one here.

-Very clever, this.
Very clever.
-Isn't it?

The only slight issue is
they do take a lot of effort
to blow up.

It's hard work doing.

It doesn't matter, though,
because here's the thing.

OK, if you arrive
at one of those

high-occupancy
vehicle lanes,

then you pull over
on the hard shoulder -

just pass the Dutchie
on the left-hand side here -

and then use your engine
to blow up

your inflatable person.

So I'm going to do that now,
just to show you how
unbelievably easy this is.

Are we ready?

I'll just er...
put a bit of fuel in there.

And here we go.

Why have you put your fingers
in your ears? It's only a V8.

It's virtually silent.

Here we go.

Behold.

What the...?

Right, the erm...

The inflatable person
has split. There's--

Oh, dear.

Mine's all right.

Let's move on, shall we?
Tonight we are in Morocco,

for what was supposed to be
a sensible sports-car test
of my Mazda MX-5

versus Bob Marley's
Norfolk-built Zenos.

Unfortunately,
the ape turned up, uninvited,

in a ridiculously expensive
Alfa Romeo.

Yes, I did.

And when we left the action,

I decided to see which of
the cars was the lightest

by building
some rudimentary scales -

a job that these two thought
would be... beyond me.

Despite the cynicism
of my colleagues,

the next morning,
my scales were ready.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Even more startling
was Jeremy's choice
of counterweight.

How are you gonna
get it on there?

-It's gonna jump.
-Oh, yeah,
they're big jumpers, cows.

-Look, it wants to.
-He's limbering up,

he's getting ready,
you can tell.

-Up you come.
-It's not gonna jump.
They can't jump.

Up you come.

On the off chance that
this isn't a jumping cow,

which it might not be,
I think you need a ramp.

You hold that.
I shall go and make a ramp.

-Hello. Hello.
-Hello, nice cow.

Oh, it's bonded with you,
Jeremy. It's bonded.

Soon,
without any help at all,

I had fashioned
a makeshift ramp.

Very good. Well done.

That was quick and effective.

Unfortunately,
the cow had wandered off,

so I had to draft in
a substitute.

Go on, camel.

-Come on, camel.
-Come on.

Come on, camel. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

He's not gonna go on.

Up you come. Come on.

Come on.
Can you push him? Oh, no.

Not really,
cos they kick your balls off
if you do that. Let me...

David Attenborough
has never said that.

Eventually,
I had some success.

This is good.
We are getting there.

We are building up
a big Christmas dinner.

And then
the original cow came back.

- Come on.
- Dr Thinklittle.

Come on. Come on.
My camel's going
over here.

Good cow.

-Tragically, however...
-...it's not enough.

Could you go
and get another cow?

Come on, small cow.

He's on. Right, excellent.

-Good, good, good.
-Jeremy?

-Yes?
-This is far...

-Oh, my God!
-I don't want to be here
for this!

I'm on some scales.
Its carrot's come out.

-Are they both boy cows?
-Yeah, they're both boys.

Yeah. Oh, no.
This is quite bad.

-I'm... Yeah.
-I really am alarmed.

I'm stuck on a porn set.

Am I part of this?
Is this a threesome?

He's trod on a turk...
No, he hasn't.

More importantly, the whole
cast of our porn film

still weighed less
than the Mazda.

Chickens. Hello, chickies.

-It's not enough, is it?
-No.

It doesn't make... Jeremy,
this is complete nonsense.

Cow sex! No!

Come on, we go. On you go.

I'm not convinced
that this isn't...

Oh, the goat's escaped.

At this stage,
we explained to Jeremy

that animals cannot be used
as counterweights.

Right, no,
you may have a point.

I think it's better
if I kill them.

-What?
-Well, if they're dead,
they won't mind.

This plan
made the job much easier.

Oh, hello!

My experiment has worked.

Wow! We have a figure.

For the record,
it weighs two cows,

two legs of cows -
brackets, rear -

one camel and three goats.

That's incredible!

The most exciting thing
I've ever been involved in.

Having established
the weight of the Mazda,

it was time to do the Zenos.

Hammond, reverse off
down my superb ramp.

-Whoa! It's...
-I'm gonna walk this way.

Why is it doing that? James
counterbalances with you.

Hang on.
That's not gone well.

- Yeah, it has.
- No, it's moved!

Oh, this is...
Now the back wheels
have come off!

Somebody get on!
The whole crew!

What's happened?

- Oh, God!

No, there's no point
doing that, Hammond.

We need to
think this through.

Hang on. I've got an idea.

If you get off there,
this side will go up.

Then you put the ramp
under the back wheels
of the Mazda

when it comes down again.

-So you all need to get off.
-Right, I'm off.

Hang on.
Are you going up now?

-I think so.
-No, we need...

I know,
everybody has to go there.

-On that side. Yeah.
-Everybody, all the crew.

All the chunkier lads,
if you get on that one.

How did we get
into this position?

Somebody pull on the front,
just to tip it.

And then
we will move this ramp.

Hello? Can we have all of...

- He's down now!
- Am I gonna die?

Am I dead? Am I dead?

Thanks to our fluent French,

we were able to get the
forklift driver to help us.

The Mazda...

Erm...

Reverse à vous la ramp,

avec introduce la ramp...
Yeah.

Then
the authorities arrived.

-Ah, les animaux?
-Yes, les animaux.

Wait. Erm...

Is it a Problème?

James, it's not acceptable
in Morocco

to kill animals to establish
the weight of a car, so...

It's not acceptable
in Morocco?

Having established
nothing at all,

we were all ordered
to leave,

which made Hammond
very cheesed off with me.

You're a bloody idiot!

Funny!

I think he's angry,
isn't he?

And I wasn't in James's
good books, either.

Clarkson!

What's the matter?

I want the steering wheel
back, you muppet!

-I haven't got it.
-You have!

I haven't. One of those goats
has got it.

Goats can't pick things up.

With his wheel
retrieved, we set off.

And soon,
James and I decided

something
needed to be done.

Jeremy, are you there?

Yes, I am.

Oh, good. Erm...

Look, just...

Er...
Just bear with me, OK?

This isn't really working
as well as we'd hoped
at the moment,

so we think
it would be better
if we went our own way

and you went yours.

Are you in on this, James?

Well, the thing is
that we had conceived
quite an interesting test

between
an everyday sports car
and a hardcore sports car.

And, I mean,
it's not you.

But, I mean, really,
it's the Alfa.
The Alfa doesn't fit.

Right, well, OK. Erm...

I'll leave you two alone.

And I do mean alone,

because... I'm going to take
the film crews with me.

Now that we're alone,

I could prattle on for hours

about what
the Alfa Romeo badge means,

and how,
with its carbon-fibre tub,

this isn't really
a sports car.

It's more a... scaled-down,
cut-price LaFerrari.

But I've had a better idea.

What I did was find
a wonderful piece of road...

...and then shut up,

so the pictures
could do the talking.

That's the thing
about this Alfa -

if you talk about it,
you're gonna criticise it.

If you just look at it...
you're gonna fall in love.
Oh, hello.

Mate! Mate!
Thank God you're here!

What's the matter with him?

Well, for the first time
in my life,

I'm rather glad you're here,
because...

he thinks he's discovered
an ancient civilisation.

And he got very excited,

and I couldn't say,
"No, Hammond, it's not real."

It's a film set.

That is where they filmed
Asterix And Obelix ,

and that is where they film
Game Of Thrones .

Yeah, I know that,
but he thinks it's real.

He thinks
aliens have come down

and that everything
that universities in Britain
know about Ancient Egypt,

Ancient Greece,
Ancient Rome, is all wrong.

Which feet
last trod these steps?

Were they even human?

Maybe they were that big.

This was actually used in
The Jewel Of The Nile .

-Was it?
-Yeah.

Starring Kathleen Turner,
Michael Douglas,

and, I think, Danny DeVito.

Hammond probably thinks
that it's a spaceship.

That's how they got here.

It's like touching hands...

...across the millennia.

These were not
primitive people.

While Indiana Hammond

continued
his deluded ramblings,

I came up with an idea.

I tell you what this place
has never been used as.

-What?
-A racetrack.

Having convinced Richard

we wouldn't anger
the sleeping gods,

we made a circuit
from the roads running
through the studio lot.

And then I went off
to get changed.

Wow! Hammond,
Roger Moore isn't here.

No, he's not, is he?
What is that?

It's my Alfa Romeo
racing suit.

-Is it?
-Yes, it is. Look at that.

- Oh!
- Peacock lining.

That makes it better.

It's the Dick
from Del Monte.

The Cock from Del Monte.

The Dick from Del Monte,
he says, "Ra-ra-ra!"

- In an Alfa Romeo--
- This is tremendous!

In an Alfa Romeo...

...looking good is more
important than looking
where you're going.

-That's a shame.
-When are you gonna do that?

It was now time
to get down to business.

But first, we went out
for some sighting laps.

Whoa!

It's all skiddy!

- Oh, this is very narrow.
- James did this.

That's only an inch wider
than my car, you stupid man!

But I'm in!

I'm into ancient Egypt!

Oh, wow! Look at that!
Paintings and everything!

I'm gonna go around
the unconvincing fighter jet.

Understeering
like mad, that's not good.
I must remember that.

The problem you have in
the 4C is it's mid-engined,

which means,
on a surface like this,

there's no weight
over the front,

and that means...
no grip.

Unlike the other two,
this is front-engined,

so there's less weight
on the back end,

which would make
for a livelier back end

and more time
enjoying oversteer.

Oh, I'm gonna spin!

That's bad!
That's too much oversteer.

Game Of Thrones set.

I mustn't think about
Khaleesi.

Oh, no! Thinking about
Khaleesi, it's bad!

Don't think about Khaleesi!

No!

Holy crap!

It's a castle!

God, no! Nearly hit
a bit of Nazareth then.

Jesus
would have been displeased.

Having got to know

our weird
and demanding track,

we began the timed laps,
with James going first

in his lightweight,
powerful Norfolk-mobile.

Right, are we ready,
James May?

In three, two, one... Begin!

Oh, where's the bend?
I don't...

Oh, balls!

You know,
what worries me most of all,

is the poor little man
who's mortgaged his house
to start Zenos.

And that he's lent it to us
on the television.

"And which one's driving it?
Which...?"

"Oh, no."

Right, now what do I do?

After my first-corner
cock-up,

I was on the back foot,
trying to make up time.

Heading for Nazareth,
I think.

Whoa!

All over the place!

Round and round the thingy.

Whoa!

Fast, faster. Faster.

Well...
this only goes up to
999 hours, sadly.

Right.

But it's OK,
you were just in that time.

Yeah, mm.

James,
did you manage to drive

whilst dragging your face
along the ground?

A lot of dust comes in.

- Why don't you wind
the windows up?

You're funny men.

Next, it was
the turn of John Travolta.

Never has anybody
looked quite so good...

...on a timed lap.

In three, two, one... Go!

Right,
let's make this count.

Narrow!

Sideways in linen!

Game Of Thrones set.

Understeering...

Turn! Turn!

Come on, let's get
that turbocharger singing!

Kill it now!

Well, he arrived.

Finally,
Sir John Blashford-Hammond.

-Ready?
-Yes.

In three, two, one... Go!

Right, this is it.

I can't afford
a single error.

Uh-oh! This is a hot lap!

Here he comes.

Ooh!

No!

And with that,
back to the tent.

Smashed it.
Smashed it.

-Hang on a minute.
-What?

You know that
Windmills Of Your Mind
sequence in the car?

-Yeah.
-You made the Alfa
look really good in that.

-Yes.
-What if somebody buys one?

You don't want that
on your conscience.

What do you mean?
It was a brilliant... What?

Anyway, anyway, I have
the results here of the laps.

And er...
well, in third place,

you in the Zenos;
second place,
you in the Alfa;

first place, the winner
was me in the Mazda.

But it was
a hollow victory,

because I ruined an
ancient piece of sculpture.

Yes,
but here's the thing, OK?

After the weight test
and the speed test we did,

we've learned...

-...nothing.
-Yeah, it's nothing.
Nothing at all.

Literally nothing at all.

And on that
terrible disappointment,

I'm afraid it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching.

-See you next week. Goodbye.
-Goodbye!