The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Enviro-mental - full transcript

Hello, everybody!

Hello. Greetings. Thank you.

Hi, there.

Hello! Hello!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

And welcome to
The Grand Tour,

which, once again,
is in Whitby.

There is actually
a very good reason for that.

It is because these two
last week blew up my house,

and I literally have
nowhere else to go.



Yeah.

Plus-- Plus, James May
lost the tent bag.

- Soz.
- Yeah, he did.

He did do that.
Anyway, erm...

we were reminiscing,
as we've been here all week,

and we worked out
that Yorkshire
is the only place on earth

where all three of us
have had a car crash.

So what was yours?

A Triumph 2500 rolled over.

-Yeah. Hammond?
-My first car.

And my second car.

My mum's car, my dad's car,

my third and fourth cars,

my first four motorcycles,



the Radio York radio van,

the Radio Leeds radio car,

and a jet-powered dragster.

Oh, yes.

All of those. Busy.

And, erm... And what about
you in Yorkshire?

Well, me, I'll tell you.
No, 1977,

when the driving examiner
said to me,

"Congratulations,
Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"

what I heard was,
"Congratulations,
Mr Clarkson,

you are the best driver
I've ever seen."

- Oh, no.
- 36 hours later -

That's all it was, 36 hours
I'd been on the roads -

stuffed my mother's Audi.

Wheels came off,
killed a sheep.

So, if you're the farmer,
sorry about that.

Er... Anyway, I'm glad
we're still in Yorkshire,

because last week we said
there was no real motoring
connection with the county,

and it turns out
that's not true.

I was reading Trip Advisor
last night.

Now, Trip Advisor is a
website for the mealy-mouthed
and the bitter.

Well, hang on.
I mean, it's not entirely--

No, seriously, it's useless
apart from anything else,

because you have to know
someone before their opinion
is relevant.

I mean, I know Hammond, OK?

So if he tells me
a restaurant's great,

I know
I don't want to go there,
because it'll be rubbish.

You're absolutely right,
actually, because that bloke
in the hat over there,

I don't care how many stars
he gives Oxfam Whitby,
I'm not going there.

Exactly. Anyway...

I went on Trip Advisor,
OK, and there was
a review of Whitby.

And it said,
and I'm quoting here,

"One aspect of Whitby
is the large number
of local chavs..."

"...who drive around
the town in a circuit

in their
noise-enhanced cars."

Already,
I don't like this person.

"They accelerated
down the narrow streets

and then slowed their engines
down quickly as they
approached a junction,

causing explosive-sounding
backfiring."

He sounds like a right knob.

Of course he's a right knob,

he's leaving a message
on Trip Advisor.

Anyway, the police -
the police, the local
police here -

they've decided
they've had enough of people,
how they put it,

"...driving away in a manner
that causes their wheels
to spin and screech."

OK? So they decided
to have a clampdown.

But,
and this is the quote I love,

"The operation was curtailed
due to poor weather."

What, are they saying...

They didn't go out
because it was raining?

No, law enforcement
in Whitby is like cricket.

Everybody just goes inside
if it starts to drizzle.

So this is... This is
the Whitby Town Police
we are talking about here?

-Yeah, the WTPD.
-Yeah.

No, hang on a minute,
this is North Yorkshire.
It's NYPD.

Wow!
It actually is!
It's the NYPD!

That would be
a brilliant police drama.

"Right, Constable,

I've had the Chief Constable,
he's chewed my arse,

the Mayor's chewed his arse,
now we'll chew your arse."

"We've got these lads -
well, chavs -

"that are doing,
like, wheel screeches,

and you've got 48 hours to
solve it, or I'll have your
badge and your truncheon."

Anyway,
on our car show tonight...

a tree falls over...

... a hedgehog
makes a noise...

...and a dog eats some meat.

But we begin with Porsche.

They offer an immense
and immensely complicated
range of cars

all under the 911 banner.

Now, Porsche enthusiasts,
by which I mean
these two imbeciles,

say that they're all
slightly different.

Completely different.

No, slightly different,

and that the best of
the bunch is something
called the GT3 RS.

So I thought
I'd take it to our track
to see what it was like.

And let's just hope that,
for once in your life,

you haven't
behaved like a child.

-What do you mean?
-Well, just said it's no good
because I've got one.

Hammond, I am a professional
motoring journalist,
and coming up...

Amongst other things.

Coming up now
is my professional review.

This is the car in question.

No, wait. Sorry. Hang on.

It's easy to be confused.

This is it.

The hottest, hardest,

tightest 911 of them all...

...and the most exotic.

It has the fattest back tyres
I've ever seen on a road car.

It has scaffolding
in the back for stiffness,

carbon-fibre body panels
for lightness.

The roof is made
from magnesium,

so if you turn it over
and there are sparks,

there will be
a blinding flash of light,

and then you will have
a convertible.

Like many people,
I don't really like the idea
of the Porsche 911,

and I certainly don't like
the people who drive them.

I find them flawed,
in some dark and
rather disgusting way.

But I will grudgingly admit

that even the basic
cooking models are...

extremely lovely to drive.

They're...

They're just very good
sports cars.

But what about this one?

Well...

Let's find out.

Straight away,
I can tell you the engine...

is incredible.

There's no turbocharging.

It's just a four litre
flat-six, but...

you get 500 horsepower.

And its red line at 9,000rpm.

9,000!

That's bike territory.

But the best thing is the way
it goes round corners.

Because it's got
four-wheel steering,

and because the engine
is sitting right over
the rear axle,

the grip is just astonishing.

I've engaged all
the hero buttons down here,

turned all the electronic
driver aids off,

and let see
if I can unstick it.

In here far too fast
into Swindon Swings.

Not "Swings,"
that's something
completely different.

But, anyway,
no loss of traction at all.

I thought, when I read
the spec sheet on the RS,

that Porsche
had tried to make a supercar,

a rival for Ferrari
and McLaren and Lamborghini,
but they haven't.

It's still a sports car.

It's still chuckable
and deft.

Whoa! It's very, very good.

Annoyingly.

But... is it as good as this,

the BMW M4 GTS?

Like the Porsche,
it's made from exotic
lightweight materials...

and fitted with scaffolding
instead of back seats,

and enormous tyres.

It looks good.

But there are some problems.

When you arrive at a small
speed hump in the Porsche,

you raise its nose
electrically and all is well.

But when you arrive at
the same hump in the BMW...

you will need a team of men
to fold away the spoiler

and adjust the ride height.

This takes several hours.

There are some other issues
as well.

To give owners the sense
they're driving a racing car,

all of the storage bins
have been removed.

There's no cubbyhole here,
no door pockets.

That means there's
nowhere to put anything.

And I think that,
on a day-to-day basis, that
would drive you a bit mad.

Then there's the ride,
which is extremely bumpy,

and the drone from the tyres,
which is horrendous.

After ten minutes
on a motorway,

you will have a headache,

and you won't have any
headache pills with you,

because there was
nowhere to put them.

Now, at this point,
I would normally use
the word "however"

and start talking about
the car's good points.

However...

I can't, because...

I'm struggling to find any.

The engine, for example,
has water injection,

which sounds cool.

But it means
that every third time
you fill the car with fuel,

you have to fill
a water tank in the boot.

I don't know, but I'm not
sure this is very hi-tech.

And then there's
the steering, which
in comfort mode is horrid,

and in sport setting
is even more horrid.

That said,
the steering wheel is nice.

It's good and thick. It's...

It's like holding onto
something from
the Ron Jeremy range.

And the seats aren't bad.

But other than that...

No.

A point that becomes
even more obvious

when you go into battle
against the Porsche.

We both have
around 500 horsepower,

both have a top speed
of around 190,

but the Porsche
is a lot lighter.

Probably because it doesn't
have a tank full of water
in the boot.

Struggling to keep up now.

Here we go, into Swindon.

Oh, "Springs"!

A pampas grass shop.

Oh! We're having...
God, that's nasty.

This is not a car
that responds well

to my rather brutal
driving style.

The problem is...

it doesn't really respond
very well to delicacy,
either.

This competition here now
between these two cars

is like a boxing match
between an actual boxer

and someone
who thinks they're a boxer

because they're wearing
satin shorts.

How did BMW get
this thing so wrong?

Oh, God!

It's twitchy,
it's unpredictable.

And in the rain,

it's somewhere between
spiteful and undrive...

Oh, God! ...undriveable.

But, that said, this has to
be the winner of this test

because Richard Hammond...

...has got one of those.

I called it.

That was annoying.

That was
a professional review.

At points.

But you were doing so well,

and then you ruined it
at the end.

What do you mean, ruined it?

By saying you'd have
a worse car

because I haven't got one.

-That Porsche wounded me.
-Wounded you?

It did wound me,
because, you know,
it's got so much grip

that you're sort of
forced into the seat?

And the seat's
got stitching on it

which digs a hole
in your back.

I've got a picture
of what it did. Look at this!

That's my back!

Oh, I'm amazed
you weren't hospitalised
with that! That's horrific!

-That is a savage wound!
-Mine's never done that
to me.

That's cos you're a midget!
You don't reach that
high up the seat.

Or maybe you're a freak
and sit in the wrong place.

It's not just the fact
it wounds you.

Also, the Porsche's
more expensive than the BMW.

Yes, but I'd rather spend
£131,000 on the Porsche

than £120,000 on a BMW that's
not very good on the road,

not very good on a track,

and no good
at all in the rain.

Yeah, no,
that's fair enough.

-Hold on.
-What?

I've got to the bottom of
the problem with the BMW.

It's right here
in the blurb.

"Developed on
the Nürburgring."

Yeah, and, actually,
speaking of tracks,

it's now time
to hand the M4 over

to a man who thinks
that sparkling water
is basically communist.

Yeah, time to give it
to the American.

There he is.

And he's off! No messing.

Parps from the exhaust
on the upshifts

as he attacks
the Isn't Straight.

I wonder if he actually
knows what he's in.

Driving a BMW.

British Motor Works.

So, that's a no, then.

OK, continuing up the Isn't.

They say it's got more power.

Than what,
my damn toothbrush?

OK.

Right to the end
of the Isn't now,

and into Your Name Here.

Hard on the brakes,
keeping it all in check,

and surely he'll appreciate
the turbos punching him
out of the corner.

Turbos on an engine is
God's way of telling you it
ain't got enough cylinders.

My mistake.
Right, back up the Isn't.

Really winding up
that straight-six.

I must admit, from
the outside, it sounds good.

And already
he's turning in hard,

round the Unexploded Bomb,

into the narrowness
of Old Lady's House.

Yeah, back on the power
for the bumpy bit
towards Sub Station.

Idiotic splitter
in peril over the ruts.

Now working
the ceramic brakes hard

for the tight left.

Tickle of power.
There it is.

And left again
into Field Of Sheep.

A whiff of oversteer,
and across the line!

It looked tidy.

Yeah, it looked all right.

It looked tidy. Right...

Let's bring up the er...

Let's bring up
the leader board, if we can.

Now, there we are.
We've already had
the 911 GT3 RS round.

Wha-- And you're
not gonna show the lap?

Nobody's interested
in watching an American

being sawn in half
by a glorified Beetle.

It did 1:20.4.

Right, so, now let's see
what the M4 did.

Let's put the time up.
There it is.

Two seconds slower,
and that's a short track.

That's unbelievable.
That's not good, is it?

No.
It's only a second faster
than a Porsche 718.

I know.
I mean, I admire BMW

for trying with that car.
I really do.

But, my God,
they've made a hash of it.

In fact, I'm trying
to think of a metaphor

for someone who's really tried
their hardest with something

and it hasn't worked.

No, nothing's coming to mind.

I've got nothing.
I've got nothing.

I've got nothing at all.

So, let's...
Let's move it on.

It's time for us to make
a gentle left into
Conversation Street.

OK. Right, I want to begin
with the new Ford GT.

You've got a picture of it
here. Now, this is...

Well, you remember
the last GT they did.

That was just an homage,
really, to the old GT40.

This one, they say,
is actually a racing car
on the road.

It's got a twin-turbo,
3.5 litre V6,

seven-speed
flappy-paddle box,

more than 600 horsepower.

The problem is, though,
I can't think of any
racing car

that works on the road,
really, ever.

No, they don't.

I mean, the Nissan GTR:
fabulous, fabulous car.

rubbish.
It's undriveable.

You know,
it's a very good point,

because a racing car
on the road

is a bit like trying to play
tennis with a cricket bat.

It's technically possible...

Two totally different
disciplines.

The only trouble is,
that looks so good,
I do find myself going...

Mm. You erm... You bought
the last GT, didn't you?

Yes.

Thank you for reminding me,
Hammond. Yes, I did.

-Did that go well for you?
-No, it didn't.

-Oh, did it not?
-No, it didn't.

The problem was
the insurance company said it
had to have a burglar alarm,

which blew usually when
my daughter was doing the
school play and ruined it,

and it had to have a tracker.

And there is nothing
on God's earth more
annoying than a tracker.

But I've got a tracker.
It doesn't bother me
in the slightest.

No, that's because you'll have
a little special place

on your hall table
with a pencil outline.

"I've got my keys
and must remember
to take my tracker."

Because you're organised
and I'm not.

One for your tracker,
for your keys, one for
your little penknife.

One for some change
in case you need it.

-Yeah, with 10ps and 2ps.
-And a tiny screwdriver
for mending your glasses.

-He will. Oh, he will.
-No, I won't.

No, it lives in a--
It just has a little pouch.

You just
hang it on the hook.

-Oh, does it?
-You've got a pouch?

He's got a pouch
for his tracker.

Especially for the tracker?

-Well, yeah, because...
-What's it made of?

-Well, leather, I suppose.
-A little leather pouch.

Did you make it yourself?

-No, it came...
-A little leather pouch.

It came with the car,
believe it or not.

Oh, so Ferrari
sold it to you.

Was it £600?
I bet it was.

No, it just
came with the car!

I don't think Ferrari
give it away!

The stripes
on your Ferrari, OK?

Two stripes,
a bit like on that Ford.

There are two stripes.
How much did you pay
for those stripes?

Well, they were an option.
They were £6,000.

Look. Listen, this is why
I drive a Golf GTI, OK?

Because you
don't need an alarm,
you don't need a tracker,

and it's five insurance
groups lower down than
the previous Golf GTI level.

-Wow!
-It is!

- It's because
you can't crash it.

I bet I could.

Anyway, have you two seen
those new pedestrian traffic
lights in Trafalgar Square?

Which, if you're watching
America, is in London,
which is in Britain.

Are these... Yes.

These are the ones that have
got the two blokes on them,
isn't it?

James, don't be sexist!

-Why is that...?
-No, because what
if you're a lesbian?

- Well, you would put
two women on it.

Well, then
what if you're straight?

-A man and a woman?
-But traffic lights
are only this big.

You can't have a man
and a man, a man and a woman,

a man who isn't sure,
and a woman and a woman--

What if... What if you
just want to cross the road?

What... It's like being
in the '70s with you two!

Crossing the road is now
an opportunity for you
to express your sexuality.

It is. That's why they've
come up with these traffic
lights in London.

What are they for?

No, they really have.
They really have.

- They're real?
- They are for real.

What's that one
on the right, then?

Hello! Transgender.

What?
So, hang on, only tran...

- Yeah.
- What?

Transgender traffic lights.

- I didn't know that.
- So only...

Only transgender people
can cross when that's green?

No!

When it goes red,
does that mean

it's not OK
to be transgender?

That's a good point.

I don't know what happens
when it goes red.

No way they're gonna say,
"It's not a..." I don't know.

And what has any of this got
to do with crossing the road?

That's all you want to do.
It's nothing to do with
expressing your sexuality.

It's the wrong time.
I want to cross the road.

All I want to do
at that point

is work out how to go
to the other side.

And by that I don't mean...

No. I don't...

I mean...

...of the road.

Maybe you're right, it is.

Right, now,
can I talk about Alfa Romeo?

- No.
- Why?

Because we have to
introduce our next film.

Now, as we know, in recent
years the world's carmakers

have made great strides
to make more fuel-efficient

and environmentally-friendly
car engines,

but very little has been
done to make more

environmentally-friendly
car bodies and interiors.

Yeah, by and large,
they are still made
of steel and plastic,

and that consumes
a huge amount of energy.

So we had an idea. Are there
more sustainable materials
that could be used instead?

Well, to find out,
each of us bought
a Land Rover Discovery.

We then removed
its metal body

and replaced it
with whatever we thought
was the best solution

for the future of the planet.

The meeting point
was in Wales,

and I was the first
to arrive,

in a car made from mud.

But, sadly,
before I had the chance to
tell you anything about it,

Hammond arrived.

Oh, yeah.
Let me talk you through this.

What I've done, I've built
a frame out of hazel,

through which I have weaved
English flowers and shrubs.

It's basically a hedgerow.

Better still, it is growing,
because I've planted them

so it's got compost
and soil to provide
the nutrients required

to let my car
flourish and bloom.

You don't... You don't wash
this car, you water it.

It's alive.
It's brilliant, isn't it?

-Clematis?
-No, it's cleared up.

-Have you become a hippie?
-No, but I can feel it
starting inside me.

-What have you done?
-Well...

Sadly,
before I could tell him,

Jeremy arrived...
in a snuff movie.

Gentlemen,
I can see what's happened.
Wha...

You're speechless, because
all the words in your head

have been sucked out by
the magnetism of my genius.

A car made from
bone and skin.

- What bones?
- Animal bones.

Bones are no good for this.
You can't use bones
to make cars.

Why not? When your dog dies,
what do you do now?
You bury it.

-I don't turn her into
a boot lid!
-Why not?

Because I don't want
to see a little face
stretched across--

You don't have the face!
I haven't got a face on it.

It's just the bones.

So as Granny gets older,
does the family sit around

planning a new
little hatchback?

Now, I hadn't
thought of people.

There's not a lot
of dignity in it, is there?

Have you used ears
for wing mirrors?

-Yes.
-You're sick!

Why would you not do that?
They're designed for that.

-No, they're not.
-Well, they are.

-They're not reflective.
-They absorb information and
pass it on to the creature.

-Look at my windscreen.
-What is that?

It's...
the digestive system -

well, part of the digestive
system - of an cow.

What part
of the digestive system?

- Its stomach lining.
- Not its stomach lining.

-Well, where? Further back?
-Yes.

Are you staring at the world
through a cow's ring?

It is its anal passage.

But it's stretched so thin
that it's completely
transparent.

Cow's arse, horse's arse.
It's perfect!

Come on! It's a lot better
than what you two have done,
which is nothing.

-What's this made out of?
-Have a guess.
-Is it mud?

It's mud. It's a mud car.

-You've got flat tyres.
-No, they're not flat.

They're pumped up
as high as they will go
without exploding.

-How much does it weigh?
-Quite a lot.

-How much?
-Yeah, loads.

How much does it weigh,
James?

-What units would you like?
-Tonnes.

Five.

-Five tonnes?
Well, that's just idiotic.
-Well, mud is quite heavy.

-This looks safe.
-It's sustainable, is that.
That is growing.

While we've been having
that conversation, this has
extended a little bit.

-It just grows quietly.
-Is it actually a living car?

Everything's planted.
I've put bulbs along here,
ready for spring. Daffodils.

-Not safe, though, is it?
-Yes. Hazel, very strong.

It's not as strong as bone.
Bone is three times stronger
than steel.

Is it?

Oh. Sorry, text.

Mr Wilman.

"Having built your cars
from nature, you will now
drive through it,

to the Myarth Hill,

where you will take part in
a green motorsport event."

-What green motorsport event?
-He doesn't say.

A motorsport event
that is presumably
ecological in some way.

OK.

Before setting off,

we consulted a map to see
where we were going.

Right, so that's the UK.

We're here,
and we've got to get to here.

Well... that doesn't look
like too much of a challenge.

With that sorted,
we saddled up

and began
our epic 11-mile journey.

Look at the smoke!

That's ecological.

Greenpeace are gonna be
ringing him up at any moment.

Tremendous.

Smells of nature,
I'm in nature,

I'm made of nature.

It's not quick,
but it gives me more time
to enjoy God's creation,

of which
I am very much a part.

Oh!

James!

We've done ten seconds,
and James...

I may be losing one of my -
I think the correct technical
term is the A-pillar.

Now it's gone completely.

Oh, dear!

Surely
he has to admit defeat?

There's not
much car left now.

Oh, dear, James.

I think we can count you out.

-But it doesn't matter.
-What doesn't matter?

Look. You think, "Oh, James's
car's falling apart."

I'm standing in my
spare-parts department.
All of it.

Can be used
to rebuild your car?

-It's right under there, mud.
-So it's as good as new?
-Sort of.

Well, I'm sorry,
but we're gonna set off
and leave you behind.

Well, hang on.
You can't leave me behind

because we haven't started.
We're still in the field.

- Oh, yes.
- Good point. OK, well,

we're gonna set off
and go to the pub.

-That's a very good idea.
-While you...

-While you...
-...find some mud.

I've lost my car!
Oh, it's there. It's there.

With Bob The Builder
out of the way,

Richard and I
settled down to appreciate

the planet-saving nature of
our revolutionary eco-cars.

You may be...

amused by my bodywork,

or perhaps horrified,

but the fact is that
making steel bodies for cars

produces 120 million tonnes
of carbon dioxide every year.

120 million tonnes!

Carmakers
will sort out clean,

environmentally-friendly
engines. They will.

But in the meantime, I can
tell you that the CO2
produced by this car's engine

is being absorbed
and used by the bodywork.

Plants breathe in
carbon dioxide
and breathe out oxygen.

That's what my car's body
is doing right now.

Jumpers, Sunday lunch...
spare parts.

You don't need
a foundry or a furnace

to build the body
for this car.

You just need animals
to make love to one another.

That's what this car is
really. It's a sex machine.

Meanwhile, back at base,
James was having a rethink.

I've decided to abandon
my original idea

because it was just
too weak and too floppy,

and instead I'm going to
build a car out of bricks.

The basic materials
for making the bricks

are fresh mud
with a bit of water in it,

er... some straw
to give it strength,

and some sheep poo.

You then use that
to make the brick shape,

and then you fire those
in a kiln.

Then you use the bricks to
build the thing like a house.

Except, of course, it will be
roughly the shape of a car.

Back on the road,
Hammond had called
our eco convoy to a halt.

-What's the matter?
-Shh.

Shush what?

There's a bustle
in my hedgerow.

Well, don't be alarmed now.

-It's probably just a...
spring clean.
-What, for the May Queen?

As it turned out,
I'd picked up a passenger.

Hold on. There! Look!

Oh! It's a hedgehog!

Yeah! He's moved in.

Do hedgehogs have bones?
He could be a door mirror.

He's now a member of
my little community in here.

You're not using him
to make a door mirror.

-No, but when he dies--
-He lives here!

Hedgehogs die.

Oh, he's got a mouse
in his little bird box.

And it's got the biggest
testes I've ever seen!

Eventually, Richard and I
arrived at the pub.

Oh, hello!
Oh, mate! You fool!

Oh! Oh, look.

Clean break.
That'll never...
You're gonna need pins.

Shut up! Your car's
given me hay fever.

I can't see through my eyes.

Oh, so you crashed your car
because mine's got flowers on

and not because you built
your windscreen out of
a cow's balloon knot?

Let's not get bogged down
with who caused the accident,
cos it was you.

I am now gonna go
and get some spare parts.

Of course you are.
That'll be easy.

Maybe there'll be a nice zoo
in this tiny village.

No, hospital.
Old folks' home.

You could wait--
Just find one of those
old ladies with...

Back at the start point,

the eco-warrior was
ramping up the pace.

Watch that go.

Meanwhile, back at the pub,

I was repairing
my damaged front end.

Well, annoyingly,
the pork that I bought

is sort of triangular
and doesn't look right.

It doesn't really fit,
so I've got a side of beef,

which I think will be great.

Now, I'm just erm...
clearing away the old bone.

No, shoo! Shoo in Welsh.

I'm warning you.

How would you like to be
a petrol filler cap?

What do you think?

I actually think it
looks rather stylish,

because it immediately looks
ecological, recyclable,

sustainable -
all those things.

You get a single-skin
brick wall.

It builds up very neatly,
as you can see.

It is exactly the same as
making something out of Lego.

If you have lots of Lego...

Right.

Clearly,
James was not going to get
his car built that day,

so Richard and I decided to
spend the night at the pub.

How far have we come today?
Just remind me.

We're still in the same
field where we started.

-Well, he is.
-Yes.

-We're in a pub.
- But we have to go back
to the start to start.

-It's not the best start.
-No.

-Erm...
-How do we know?
We haven't started yet.

Precisely, so, actually,
it might yet be a brilliant
start when the start starts.

Ow!

His one was useless.
It's his slap-happy attitude
to making things.

Attention to detail.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, now it is time
for Celebrity Brain Crash!

Now, last week...

Last week,
as I'm sure you'll remember,

our guest Simon Pegg
sadly fell into
the harbour and drowned.

Er... But there's no danger
of that happening this week,

because our guest is actually
starting in the harbour.

He is one of Britain's
top comedians

and a jet-ski enthusiast.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jimmy Carr!

Here he comes now, look,
on the screen...

and he's looking good!

He is.
What are we going to
ask him when he gets here?

I'm gonna ask him, actually,
about erm...

that story he told me
once when we were on holiday.

No, you can't ask
him about that on air.

Ofcom, they won't like it.

Why does Ofcom...
We're on the internet.

Yeah, but we're
still broadcast.
You can't tell that story.

Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!

I don't want to interrupt.
He's come in very hot.

No, what's this boat doing?
Shush, everyone! Shush!

The boat! Stop the...

Oh, for God's sake! The boat!

Oh, my God.

As you may have noticed,
the audience there applauding
the tragic death...

...of one of Britain's
best-loved comedians,
Jimmy Carr.

Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

Well, James, he's burst

and is now basically chum
on the waters of the harbour,

so that's a no,
he's not coming on.

This is a dis...
It's awkward.

-It's every single week.
-We're getting a reputation.
People are gonna notice.

It's OK, though. I've just
thought of something else
we can do to fill the time.

You... You know what it is.

-You go outside, and you.
-Do I have to do this?

Yes, I'm afraid you do.
Could you go that way?

Go get it. Quickly, quickly.
Run, run, run.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please try not to look at
the hideous bloodstained
water out of the window.

You see, the thing is...
The thing is

that when immigrants try
to get into the country,

they always come in the back
of a container lorry,

and I always think that is
the world's worst game
of hide-and-seek.

Cos if you work for
Homeland Security...
No, what's it called here?

Border Force? ...Border
Force, you open the doors
and, "Well, there you are."

So I was thinking,
surely there must be a better
way of getting into Britain?

And I think
I've worked it out.

- So, James,
could you bring the car in?
Yes.

Yes, good man.

Right, here he comes now,

at his usual top speed
of eight,

in what is
an Audi TT Quattro.

That's perfect. Thank you
so much, James.
If you'd like to step out.

Now, Richard Hammond
is in this car.

And I'm going to give you,
the studio audience,
one hour to find him.

Oh, not an hour!

All right, not an hour.
A minute. I'll give you
60 seconds to find him.

Help yourselves, everybody.
See if you can find him.

- Open the bonnet.
- Look in the ashtray!

Look in the ashtray?
He's small, but he's not
that small.

- Open the boot.
- Inside the seat.

"Inside the seat."

He's strapped underneath.
He's underneath.

- Have a look.
- I'll get down.

If you just
go down there, you can
have a look underneath.

Has anyone lifted this?

Three, two, one...

No, you've all failed.

You'd be no good
in Immigration.

Right, go back
to where you were, because,
ladies and gentlemen,

what we are going to do now
is reveal to you

where Richard Hammond
was concealed in this car.

James,
could you give me a hand?

-Certainly.
-Okey-doke.

- Hello!
- There he is.

Hello! I'm in the car. Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Can I get out now?

The amazing thing is,
it's not just Audi TTs.

Almost any car
has that much space

if you want to do
a spot of people smuggling.

Yeah, it's not that much
space, just to be clear.

Can I get out now?

No, because I've just
thought of something.

No, seriously. James, could
you pop the bumper back on?

-What?
-No, move your feet.

-No, because--
-It's not very nice!

Is it not? Right, so,
pop that back on there.

Now, what we've
got here, I think,

is a really rather
effective parking sensor.

What?
I don't like this!
- I like it. I like it.

You get back in. We'll bring
a car in so that...

Yeah, so you've got
something to reverse up to.

I need to drill some holes
for your eyes.

- You bloody don't!

Seriously, Hammond,
you won't be able to see
anything unless I do.

-Where are your eyes?
About here?
-At the front of my head!

Right, close them, Hammond.
This...

-Hammond?
-I'm not talking to you!

Right, I'll do one
for your other eye.

There. Can you see out now?

Yes, there. Look.
Can you see?

We can see his little eyes.
That's lovely.
If someone holds this.

Right, James, if you'd like
to start reversing,

keeping your ears open for
Hammond's pitiable screams.

Roger.

No...
No! No! Just stop!

No! Stop!

- How far away is that?
- About 15 feet.

- What?
- Hammond?

- What?
- We live in London.

- You could build a £4 million
house in that gap.

I need to know when
you're half an inch away.

You're not the one
in the bloody bumper!

-Right, come on, then, James.
-Here we go.

Hammond, you're on silence
till it's dangerous.

Stop!

That is absolutely brilliant.

That's like
a quarter of an inch.

Look at that.

Cor!

The thing is, parking sensors
are very expensive.

You can rent a man
for almost nothing.

Yeah, look, I don't know
how much you pay
to rent a man normally,

but I cost more.

Now, get me out of here,
please.

Well, no, because we've got
to link into the next film.

We can't get you out anyway

because you're too close;
we'll never get the bumper off.

- You're too good
at your job, Hammond.
Oh, God!

That's what's happened.
So we're going back...

Actually, it's part two,
isn't it? What was the film?

It was Italy.
No, that was last week.

- Oh, the cars!
- Oh, really?

-Oh, the sustainable thing.
-Sustainable cars. So...
-Yes.

Get on with it!

The following morning
we were up bright and early

so we could get back
to the start line.

-Not a bad night, actually.
-It was all right.

Oh, hello.

May?

Oh! That's dogs and foxes
and things, isn't it?

Dogs have come
and eaten your car.

They haven't eaten
it, they've destroyed it,

which means I've got to
put it back together again.

There are some spare parts
up there.

Yeah, I think that
horse is looking very ill.

It's got a very grey face.

That's always a sign
of looking ill.

Is your horse ill?

-No.
-No?

-No
-He'll last the day, then?

Yeah.

Damn it.

It took all morning
to repair my car

with stuff from
the butcher's shop,

which meant it was lunchtime

before we were
on our way back

to see how James
was getting on.

Jeremy, what's all that smoke
up ahead there?

What smoke?

That massive ball of smoke
in front of us, up front.

I can't see it.
My hay fever's really bad.

No, you can't see it because
you're trying to looking at it

through a cow's butt hole.

As it turned out,
the smoke was on account

of James having
single-handedly restarted
the Industrial Revolution.

What?

-What are you doing?
-I'm making...

The theory is...
we are reducing our impact
on the environment,

but you've dug it up!

It's not where anybody lives.

It's just the countryside.
It's not doing anything.

Is that a coal lorry?

-Yes.
-The least environmental
thing on the entire earth.

It's a lorry delivering coal.

-So?
-Why do you need coal?

-To fire up the kiln.
-What?

The bricks have to be baked.
You can't just--

-Hold on. So you're making
a car out of mud bricks?
-Yes.

Are you gonna dig a canal
network to get in and out,
perhaps, with your coal?

-That's quite a good idea.
-It isn't a good idea!

Much
ruined countryside later,

James's new car
was finally ready.

Why are you dressed up
like an American footballer?

Well, it's a prototype,

and I'm a test pilot,
in effect.

Test pilots wear
specialist equipment.

But that looks
perfectly solid to me.

That roof is...

James, even given
the limitations of the
material you've used,

your car looks crap.

But look how it blends in
with the environment.

Prince Charles
would love this.

It doesn't blend in
with anything.

There's no environment left -
you've dug it all up.

- Right, can we finally go?
- Yes, you can.

11 miles lie ahead.

See you there.

Ow!

That is a complete
mystery, to be honest.

It's not.

It had an arched roof,
it had a keystone.

There must be something
wrong with that mortar.

Waiting for James
to mend his bodywork, again,

meant my bodywork
started to go off.

But, eventually,
he was ready.

It's really rather pleasant.

This is like being at home
with the windows open.

Richard, meanwhile,
had added some floral
go-faster stripes,

and I'd opened up
my cow's rectum
to improve the ventilation.

We have had a few problems.

We've only covered, yes,
two miles in two days,

but here we are,

as a threesome, going along.

But then...

It's a river,
and not a small one.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, God.

-Oh, your bricks
have fallen off, mate.
-Your bonnet's fallen off.

Perfectly all right.
Redundancy's built into it.

-Is it?
-Yeah.

Since Richard
is the team bumpkin,

we decided
he should go first.

OK, well,
my community of people,
make for higher ground.

Just climb.

Hammond's ark made it
to the other side safely.

Yeah!

And then it was my go.

I'm really deep here.

Really, really deep.

Oh, no! Cows leak!

That's a terrible thing
to learn!

However, I, too, made it
with relative ease.

Eat my meat, Hammond!

But then...

Look at this.

Tragic.

An old man driving a low
garden wall into a river.

Let's look on the bright side.
If this doesn't work
as a car,

it will be very effective
as a dam.

He's not doing it
quite as quickly as
you or I did it.

Nor as aggressively,
nor as purposefully.

His car is also riding a lot
lower than ours because
it weighs so much.

I was getting very deep.
It may be leaking slightly.

It's leaking a lot.

Cack.
Chaps, I think I'm beached.

I'm being honest,
there's not a great deal
we can do about it.

You're in the river,
we're here.

Right, if I go right a bit,

I should... clear that...

Oh, yes!

-Oh, the...
-The side's just come off.
-Yeah, that's...

So the mortar's dissolving
and the bricks
are just falling off.

Yes.

That's more gone.

Oh, God!
The mortar's dissolving!

He's just transporting
his own cameras along.

That's all he's doing.

Get off!

Get off!

Little spindly arms
throwing a brick.

Help!

We're gonna have to put him
out of his misery.

We'll just
abandon him.
Do you think?

What is the point of him?

James, can you hear me?

We've analysed the situation
and there is literally

nothing we can do to help.
Nothing.

Leaving James
in his dissolving car,

we headed off to make camp
and get supper underway.

Well, apart from your
rather tragic tents,

-this isn't so bad.
-It's all right.

It is amazing, isn't it?

My car, the way it disappears
into that hedge,

it's not just camouflage,
it is hedge.

-It's gone.
-No, it is genuinely...

Actually, I will agree,
yours is remarkable.

Meanwhile, James's car
had shed so much weight

that he was able
to get free...

and start raping
the countryside again
to rebuild it.

Bastards.

Bastards.

You know, what's incredible
about this -

this sustainable living
we're doing -

this sustainable living
we're doing -
is our barbecue is made
from bricks from James's car,

is our barbecue is made
from bricks from James's car,

the kindling and the
vegetables are from your car.

Are you about
to tell me I'm eating...

Back wing.

-What?
-When you buy a steak,
it says "keep refrigerated".

It doesn't say, "Stick
to the side of your car,

leave in the sun,
then drive through a river."

Whoa!

James is making
such a racket, isn't he?

It's worse than last time.

The difference on this trip,
while he's been
tearing nature apart,

I've never felt closer to it.

Well, he's just messing
everything up. He always...

Holy cow.

-Hammond.
-What?

That.

What are you doing?

He couldn't see it.
It's a hedge trimmer.

That's my community,
you rural bastard!

-Oh, my...
-Oh, God!

The next morning,
to cheer up Hammond

following the decimation
of his car

and his woodland
animal community,

I made breakfast.

-Eat it.
-No!

-Why not?
-Because it's going green!

It's just a bit of door.

You can see where the flies
have been on it.

It's disgusting.

Hello. Hello!

What...?

-It's a dung heap.
-It is a dung heap.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Is this a car? What is it?

It is a totally sustainable
car made of, effectively,
wattle and daub,

only the wattle
has been replaced by straw

and the daub has been
replaced by cow poo,

but the principle
is the same.

How the hell
do you fit in it?
- Only just.

-Where's your windscreen?
-There.

Hang on.

Can we just test
your blind spots, James?

Can you see either of us now?

No.

Heavily pedestrianised areas
should be avoided.

-Right, come on. We've just
got two miles to go.
-Yes.

Jesus Christ!

The smell!

-What's that?
-It breaks my heart, but
it's a small gift for you.

-Is it? Mate!
-Yes, from me and my
woodland community.

Oh!

-It's a dead bat!
-Yeah, it is.

-Bats have sonar, don't they?
-Yeah.

So I could use it as a
reversing parking sensor.

Yeah, I don't think it works
once the bat is dead.

And so,
with all of us running...

My reversing bat
is working well.

...we began
the final two-mile leg
of our epic journey.

Oh, balls!

There are some issues
associated with
environmentalism,

and we're seeing
one of them right now.

-Am I anywhere near the gate?
-Oh, God!

James attempted to tie
his car back together
using a ball of string...

which went well.

It's going...

Oh, that's gonna
confuse him now!

Why'd they make it in a ball
shape? What a stupid idea!

But eventually it was done
and we were on our way.

James,
how much does it weigh now?

I'm gonna say the weight
has gone down a bit. I think
I'm down to three tonnes.

So you still need
an HGV licence?

But it's not a type of car
known to the DVLA.

Mind you,
I had even bigger problems.

My car was starting
to smell really bad.

One of the sound recordists

just came to fiddle
with my microphone,

and actually was sick.

Eventually, though, our
destination hoved into view.

After
three days gruelling travel

over 11 miles, we're here.

This must be it.

It was the Inaugural
Sustainable Living
Motorsport Challenge

on a track carved out of
nature itself.

Oh, hang on.

-A text message.
-What?

I've got a text
here from Mr Wilman,

with the instructions
of what we're doing.

"Whoever does the most laps
in one hour wins."

Oh, well, James,
that's not gonna be you.

-Well, you don't know.
-No, I do know
it's not gonna be you.

Oh, no, wait. Hang on.
"You will be racing against

three old-fashioned
steel cars."

-Hang on. Yes, those.
-Hello.

- Oh, there they are.
- How quaint.

No, they don't look
quaint. They look ridiculous.

It's funny, that's
the nature of progress.

- Suddenly, they look stupid.
- They do.

The museum pieces were being
driven by three local yobbos.

Right, this is it.

The MeaTI, the TreeTI
and the PeaTI are ready.

Oh, what a start!
It's a good start.

Yes, we're blocking!

Oh, they've gone!
They've gone!
I couldn't see the flag.

Yes, there are some hay
bales. I'll follow those.

Where the hell does it go
next?

Despite the excellent start
from Richard and I,

we were quickly overwhelmed
by the steel cars.

And now the Golf's got past!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

I've let the Mondeo through.
That's a disaster!

Oh, I've lost
one of my nose tampons!

What Richard and I
really needed
was help from our colleague.

Sadly, though...

I'm gonna take
a racing line.
Oh, I'm completely lost.

The trouble is,
the race track looks the same
as the front of the car.

What a stupid idea
for an event.

I've lost the other
nose tampon! Help!

I may have to pit
for another tampon.

Where am I going?

All right, James?

No.

No time to lose.

I've gone for
the super absorbent,

slightly larger nose tampons,

which I hope will last
a little longer.

Given that we were in
an endurance race,

our tactics so far
had been to protect our cars.

Reliability,
that's what we need here.
That is everything.

That's what matters most.

But with the cars of the past
racking up so many laps,

we had to get
the hammer down.

The MeaTI
against the...

whatever that is -
1.6 litre Golf.

Yes!

Yes! I've got him!

Power sliding a hedge.

Come on!

Yes. Oh, yes.

I think I've done a lap.

With us three - well, two -
making good progress,

the cars from the past
started to play dirty.

That is out of order!
They are getting violent!

Oh! Oh, no!

I've lost a tampon again!

Who was that?

Think you can mess with us

just because we like
trees, do you?

That's out of order, mate.
You can't. Have that!

The bone
is taking on the steel!

Although
we were holding our own,

the relentless pressure
started to take its toll
on our vehicles.

I've lost
part of the hat.

I can smell...

What can I smell?

Is that from the exhaust?

With Hammond distracted
by the hot exhaust
burning his bodywork,

it was all down
to my cow car.

Good dicing here between
the past and the future.

It's neck and neck!

But then...

Oh, no! No!

Disaster!

Oh, hell.
I think it looks like

Jeremy's got trouble.

How do you peel a cow?

Having eventually got to
the overheating engine

and seen it had become
a production line
for maggots...

...I decided to go off
and be sick.

Er... News from the Inaugural
Sustainable Motorsport Event

On A Sustainable Track,
or whatever it's called,

Jeremy Clarkson has retired
with a maggot infestation.

This meant
all our hopes rested
with Richard Hammond

and his smouldering ark.

Yeah, you ran wide!

But then...

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! More news from the
Sustainable Motorsport
Challenge is that... Ow!

...Richard Hammond,
I believe, is on fire.

The garden centre is ablaze.

Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, no!

That's gonna make it worse!

With Hammond's car
on fire...

mine alive, and James's
disintegrating again...

Ow! Ow!

...we decided that
environmentalism
simply doesn't work.

And with that, back to--

And with that,
back to the tent.

Holy crap!

-No, it didn't work.
-No. So, there we are.

There we are,
we've looked into it.

We've looked into it
thoroughly,

and I'm afraid
we're all doomed,
we're all gonna die.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
I'm afraid it's time to end.

See you next week. Goodbye!