The Grand Tour (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Happy Finnish Christmas - full transcript

Hello, everybody.

How are you? How are you?

Thank you. Good to see you.
Thank you for coming.

Cold out there!

That is cold.

Hello, everybody!

Hello!

Hello. Welcome to The Grand
Tour. Happy Christmas.

This week, we are coming -

if you can see through
the drizzle dribbling down
the windows -

from Scandinavia.



Oh, yeah.

This, of course...

This, of course, is the home
of those gloomy dramas

where a weird woman
in a jumper solves a murder

by staring at a lake
for six hours.

This will probably be
the jolliest programme

to come out of this
neck of the woods since...

...Four Funerals
And A Funeral.

Yeah.

Swedish rom-com that was.
Erm...

When Harry Shot Sally.

Oh, a laugh a minute.

The Girl With
The Pearl Necklace. No.

-That's another sort of
Scandinavian film.
-Really?



Yeah.

Anyway, specifically,

we are deep inside
the Arctic Circle in Finland.

There you go.
And Finland, of course...

Finland, of course, is home
to every single racing driver
currently...

- What?
- What, all of them?

Well, apart from
Nico Rosberg, who is Finnish,

but, for some reason,
claims he's German.

Why does he do that?
I have no idea.

Who else is there, then?

Well, there's Mika Salo,

Mika Häkkinen, Kimi Räikkönen.

Hang on, they're just
anagrams of the same name,
aren't they?

Then you've got rallying.

There's Tommi Mäkinen,
Timo Mäkinen,

Juha Kankkunen, Ari Vatanen.

More anagrams.

Kinky Wankinen.

Manky Pantiden.

Really?

I'm getting
slightly carried away now.

Seriously, I went on
Wikipedia last night

to look for famous Finns
who aren't racing drivers.

Put up the list I found.

And I noticed something -
they're all men.

All of them.

Are there any famous
Finnish women?

Finnish people?

Nobody thinks so.
They're all...

I know why, OK?

It's because all Finnish
women, at the age of 19,

move to England to be au pairs.

I actually had three Finnish
au pairs over the years
for my children.

- Did you?
- Yeah. It was always funny.

You'd go to Heathrow airport
to pick up your new au pair,

and there'd always be a row
of 30-something fathers
waiting at the gate

for their Scandinavian
au pair to come out.

And there was one year
I've never forgotten.

This huge moose
lumbered out of the door,

and the man next to me looked
at his piece of paper and
went, "Oh, for God's sake!"

That's not good.

-Shall we get on with
the show?
-Yes, good idea.

Because tonight
in our television
programme about cars...

I eat some cheddar.

Richard says
he doesn't want any.

I don't want cheese.

And James compares
a Ford GT40 to a Ferrari P3.

Avanti!

But first, if you are
watching this in America,

you may be amazed to hear

that the Ford Mustang
has never been sold,
officially, in the UK.

Well, until now,
because Ford has now decided

that the latest Mustang
will be sold in the UK

with a V8 engine
and right-hand drive.

Mm, and this has made
our other resident American
very happy.

He was so excited, in fact,

that when the first
right-hand-drive Mustang

arrived at the docks in the UK,

he was actually there
to meet it.

It'll be here any minute.

That is it. Are we ready?

This is the moment.
It's touched down!

Go, go, go!

♫ New World Symphony

Look, it's a bit gloomy,
isn't it?

It's not very welcoming.
Have you got anything
more upbeat?

♫ When The Saints
Go Marching In

Forget it!
Forget it! Forget it!

Forget it.

I'm so excited,
my tinkle is fizzing.

Oh, yeah!

♫ National Anthem of USSR

Oh. Sorry about that.

We really are useless over here.

It's one of the reasons we
needed your help in the war.

I decided that, first of all,

I'd show the new Mustang around,

so I headed for London...

which is the capital city.

Ah, now, this is Tower Bridge.

Interesting.
It's very, very old.

But it folds completely in half

so that, in the old days,
the horses could go through.

Now, that's
the Houses of Parliament,

which are a series of houses
in which we keep
all our idiots.

That clock thing,
that's Big Ben.

I know it's not what you call
big, but... but we couldn't
just call it Ben.

And that is the Cenotaph,

where we remember those
who died fighting for us.

Slowing down a bit here.

Show some respect.

No idea what that is.
It wasn't here this morning.

A cyclist, you want to be
careful of those.

Small but very angry creatures.

That's the army.

They're the ones
who shot at your White House.

Sorry about that.

Having seen all of the sights,

we headed out of town

so I could do this.

There it is.

That is the soundtrack
that Britain has been missing
for 51 years -

real American V8 muscle.

We just don't make cars like
this on our side of the pond.

All that
lazy-but-determined torque.

Squeeze the throttle
in any gear at any speed...

...and there's
an inevitability
to the way it moves off.

It's like arm wrestling
a solar system -
you're gonna lose.

It is weird...

driving a Mustang
from this side.

It's like suddenly
changing your mind

after 50 years of marriage
and sleeping on the other
side of the bed.

It's also weird
driving a car with a big V8,

reversing camera,
air-conditioned seats,

rain-sensing wipers
that you can buy for £37,000.

That's half of what you'd pay
for a BMW M4. Half.

Once we were in
the countryside proper,

I continued my sightseeing tour.

Look, I've drawn your badge
on a hill.

Jeremy did that one.

Sorry.

Eventually,
we arrived at Stonehenge.

That, you'll be amazed to learn,

is an ancient calendar.

Or a clock. Or a church.

My tour of Britain
was then interrupted
by an unwelcome arrival.

What are you doing here?

Well,
I have come to remind you -

cos you've obviously forgotten,

cos you're too giddy -

that we have no need
for the Mustang in Britain.

Because if you want to spend,

what, £30,000-£35,000
on a fast Ford,

you'd buy a Focus RS, cos
that was designed for here.

No, you'd settle for that
in the UK

because you couldn't
buy this, but now you can.

That is the point.

Would you wear chaps?

No, because we have trousers.

What about cowboy...
Oh, you are. Cowboy boots.

Well, it's appropriate.
I'm welcoming...

Listen, I don't want
everything from America,
I just want the Mustang.

- Stupid.
- No, America...

It wasn't designed for here.

- Would you wear a Stetson?
- Well, no.

"It's cold out,
I'll wear a Stetson."

No! You wear a bobble hat.

That's a bobble hat.

Oh! No, hang on.

- I've just realised.
- What?

Erm... I-I don't want
to talk to you any more.

Anyway...

Anyway, we shall
pick that up later on.

But right now
it's time to drop it a cog

and hook a left
into Conversation Street.

- Serious. It's serious.
- It is serious stuff, this.

Now, look, in Britain
we are always being told

that the Scandinavians
are brilliant at driving,

and that's because they would
be, because they have
to deal with all that snow.

Mm, they're brilliant
because what they do
most of all is crash.

Well, you're absolutely
right, as it turns out,

cos I've got some interesting
statistics here. Erm...

In Britain, 1.2% of accidents
result in fatalities.

Here, I'm afraid, it's 5.1%.

Yeah, and it's not just
the Finns, either,

if I may be so bold.

Our Senior
International Producer -

that's his job title -

came over to Finland
the other day,

rented himself a BMW
at the airport -

not a Ford or an Opel,
you'll note, a BMW -

and on his way to
the location here,

this happened.

He did! He did!

When I say he's our Senior
International Producer,

he's now our Junior
International Producer.

- Our Junior Local Producer.
- Yeah.

Very local. Specifically,
the stationery cupboard.

-He can produce that.
-That's all
he's in charge of.

How did he do that?!

The thing is, what I don't
understand is how the Finns
manage to go fast enough

to have a crash
of any sort at all,

because the speeding fines
here are insane.

They're means tested,

which means a guy here recently

was caught doing 49mph
through a 30 zone

and he was fined 112,000 euros.

That's a speeding fine!

Are they really that high
in Finland?

They are?

A hundred and twelve...

112,000.

-Imagine getting that
in the post!
-Well, it's interesting.

Actually, there was
a Finnish minister
recently said

that the government
needs those speeding fines

to balance the books, they said.

They actually said, "Speeding
is good for the country."

That is actually what...

Because it is. Every country.

Right. We should adopt that.

- Speeding is good for you.
- It's your social duty.

-A bit more conversation
for you.
-Oh, good!

I think, with the exception
of Rolls-Royce,

Volvo now make the best
car interiors of anybody.

They do.
They're very, very good.

I don't like to,
but I agree with you.

because I went in the new S90
the other day,
and the interior is superb.

-We've got
a picture of it here.
-Yes, that one.

They use pale colours.

They've got pale-coloured
seats, pale-coloured carpets,
pale wood,

and that makes it feel light
and airy and spacious.

The only problem is
that in one of those

you couldn't enjoy
a chocolate Magnum ice cream.

It's all right,
I don't eat ice cream.

It's something to do with
being straight.

What? What?

Why are you applauding him?

What do you mean?

Are you saying
everyone who likes ice...?

Ice cream is a bit, you know....

You're saying all children
are homosexual?

No, but...

There's nothing wrong with it,

but a grown man
eating an ice cream,
you know, it's a bit...

it's that way
rather than that way.

It is...

Welcome to the inside of
Richard Hammond's head.

I'm right. I can't believe
you can't see that.

It's easy.
It's in front of you.

You could enjoy a 99 in there.

- You mean a 69?
- No...

Ninety-nine. But you couldn't
have the chocolate thingy.

- My case rests!
- No, the chocolate thing!

- Exactly!
- You know what I mean.

No, but if you had that Volvo,

you could have a white magnum...

- True.
- ...or a Milky Bar.

Yeah, but not a Double Decker.

Well, a Flake is worse.

No, Double Decker's worse.

Double Decker...

Do you all know what I mean
by the Double Decker?

It is unique among chocolate
confectionery items.

Take a bite
as you're driving along,

and a bit about this big, OK,

silently breaks away...

...goes down
between your legs

and melts.

So when you get out,

everybody thinks
you've had some kind
of trouser accident.

This big brown stain right...

- I know what you mean.
- It does happen.

A Flake is worse.

No, it just isn't!

A Flake is advertised
as "the crumbliest,
flakiest chocolate".

-It is worse.
-This is a hot topic on
Conversation Street.

It is!

I think we should settle it
here and now.

I'm going to go into
our travelling box.

Our travelling box of
chocolate confectionery,
and I'm going to...

Let's settle it
with a competition, yes?

I'm gonna give you James's Flake

and you the Double Decker.

I'll turn that over, so then
you'll see how much spills
off as I eat the Flake.

- Not much. Right, ready?
- This is scientific.

Here we go. Oh.
Some of it's already crum...

This is cheating, this one.

OK, no, clear away the debris.

No, I need to... Jesus!

-That's part of eating it!
-It isn't part of eating it!
I haven't even begun.

- But you've got to unwrap it.
- Ssh!

Cheat.

♫ Only the crumbliest ♫

♫ Flakiest chocolate ♫

- Oh, God.
♫ Tastes like choc... ♫

-What?
-Jeremy,
you know that advert?

Girl in...

Girl in the the field
of poppies - we're not
seeing that right now.

- I am.
- I'm not.

Right, ready? Watch this.

He's going in. First bite.

Oh, it's a big fall
of chocolate!

Mm.
- It's a heavy sprinkling,
that.

That is just a light dusting
of chocolate.

- A light dusting, yeah, OK.
- Right, James May.

Moving over to James May
and his Double Decker.
This is exciting, isn't it?

-This is a great
car programme.
-Groundbreaking stuff, yeah.

- Quiet, please.
- I can't believe...

- I can't believe this hasn't
been done before.

He's going in.
He's taking a bite.

His poor old gnash...
His teeth!

Oh!

It's a catastrophic fall!
The clear winner...

The Double Decker
is worse than the Flake.

There's the Flake.
There's the Double Decker.

So, there we are.
Using science,
we have now established...

...if you've got a Volvo,
don't have a Double Decker.

Ever.

Or an ice cream, because
he... Oh, no, forget it.

Let's move a little further
along Conversation Street,
shall we?

Erm...
A few weeks ago, Amazon,

they ran an advert
for our show, and we're
rather pleased with it.

See, it's got everything in.

- Yeah, the sense of travel.
- Logo.

- And there's even the goat.
- Yeah, no, that's perfect.

-Everything you need there.
-All you need for the advert.
It's on the screen.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah. All the essentials are
there. Everything you need.

Everything you need to see.

Actually...

All the important stuff.

Hammond, I'm sorry to do this,

but before the show launched,
Amazon did another advert,
OK,

which somebody sent to me
on a tweet,
which I screen grabbed,

so the quality's not good,
but I have brought it along.

Here it is.

Oh, for God's sake!

I like their marketing
department a lot.

I think that's enough
Conversation Street,

so let's get back to our film.

Yes. Earlier on,
I was in the right-hand-drive
Ford Mustang,

showing it the sights
around our country.

Unfortunately, he turned up

and tried to argue that
the similarly priced
Ford Focus was a better bet.

-Yeah, I did do that.
-I responded by driving off
and refusing to talk to you.

A bit rudely, I thought.

I'm sorry, this is my film,
my tour of England,

and I didn't want him
spoiling it.

This thing's bloody awesome.

Listen to that bellow.

This thing squats
on its haunches.

This is what it's built to do.

Every crackle, pop and bang
is just connected to every
synapse and sinew in me.

Oh, no.

This is like a first date
for me, and on a first date,

you don't want a fat,
balding uncle tagging along.

So what I'm gonna do now...
is lose him.

It's Hammer Time!
Shock and awe!

It's Bond versus Bourne.

He's got five litres.
I've only got 2.3.

Is he going twice as fast?
No, he is not.

Corner coming up.
There's no need to panic
any more in a Mustang,

because, for the first time,

the Mustang has
independent rear suspension.

Ooh!

The cornering speeds
this thing can achieve...
beggar belief.

How does it grip that well?!

I'm in a car chase in a Mustang.

I am Steve McQueen.

Try that on.

I've got it in Sport Mode,

which makes the exhaust
pop and bang.

Woohoo! Mine!

Oh, my God!

Flat out, yeah.

And it still grips!

What is the point of traction
control on this thing?

It's like putting a
nymphomania control on a nun.

Oh, God!

Where's he gone?

How did he do that?
How did he get away from me

in something
from the 18th century?

Especially when I'm driving

what is basically
a turbocharged barnacle.

This has the most
sophisticated
four-wheel-drive system

fitted to any car.

Not even a Nissan GTR
could live with this.

The Mustang, well,
that's for cruising down

the Pacific Coast Highway,
listening to Don Henley.

This is for storming up
the Stelvio Pass,

listening to the Clash.

But while it's a grippy,
technological masterpiece,

it still has the blue-collar
character of its ancestors.

In many ways, this reminds me
of the old Escort Cosworth,
and that was a great car.

I actually had one in
the '90s. I called it Gary.

It started every morning
and it always went,
"Do you want some?!"

It was just
John Terry, really,
with windscreen wipers.

Meanwhile,
having got rid of the ape,

I was back on
my sightseeing tour.

This is our Cheddar Gorge.

Obviously it's not as big
as your gorge.

The Grand Canyon is bigger.

Well, it's longer
and deeper... and wider.

Mm. But it doesn't have
any cheese in it.

Why can't you
just leave me alone?

I'm just saying, everything
in America comes with cheese,

apart from the Grand Canyon.

Whereas this canyon
does come with cheese,
and it's delicious.

- Here, have some.
- I don't want cheese.

-It's better than
Monterey Jack in a tube.
-You're ruining this!

No, you are, because
you are telling everyone

that the Mustang is better
than the Focus.

- Well, it is.
- It isn't.

- It is.
- No, it isn't.

Look, I'm not saying this
is perfect, cos it isn't.

There's a vertical choppiness
to the ride,
which is annoying.

If you put your phone
in the phone holder
in front of the gear lever

and then accelerate,
it shoots under the seat.

You never see it again.

Petrol tank, way too small.

-And the styling is a bit...
yobbish.
-A bit?!

But, Hammond, look at this.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Half a century of Mustang
history, heritage and pride,

but it hasn't got a small
plastic strip on the door
in case you're a bit clumsy.

No, it's brilliant, that.
And... this is faster.

Well, no, it isn't.

- It is.
- No, it isn't.

- It is.
- It isn't.

At this point,
I decided to abandon my tour

and head for
the nearest airfield...

...to teach Clarkson
a lesson.

Right,
I've got 410 horsepower -

that's 100 more than him.

But there's something else
on here that's missing
on his Focus,

and it's this - "line lock".

So, engage it.
Press OK to initialise.

"Initialising.
Initialising complete.

Firmly apply and hold brake
to engage.

Engaged. Press OK to begin."

What that's doing
is locking the front brakes,

so I can warm up my tyres.

Hm. That is an ideal feature
for people who wake up
in the morning and think,

"Do you know, I've got
too much tread on my tyres."

Yeah!
I'm doing that automatically!

What a moron.

With my tyres warmed up,

I took my place
on the start line.

Right, race mode,
launch control,

over-boost facility
on the turbocharger,

four-wheel-drive,
and a man with lightning
reactions at the wheel.

This car is going to
boing off the line
like a spring lamb.

Launch control, first gear,
and we're ready to go.

Oh, he's away first.

The most incredible
launch control in the world!

Come on!

Come on, Jeremy.
Come on. You're winning.

Oh, reeling him in!

No, no, no!
That's simply impossible!

Well, bless him for trying.

Things I don't want to see
right now - number one, him.

So er... I won, then.

-Yes, but your car
doesn't have a drift button.
-A what?

- A drift button.
- What does that do?

Well, you push it, and then,

when you go round a corner,
the car drifts.

- Does it?
- Yeah.

You know, I'd love
to see that in action.

-I'd love to see
you doing that.
-Yes.

- I'll watch. Yeah, show me.
- You stay there.

You will not... Even
James May could drift this.

- Here we go!
- I can't wait to watch.

Check it out,
ladies and gentlemen!

Check it out!

I'm drifting.

What do you think of
that, Hammond? Look at that!

Hammond?

Hammond?

Hammond!

What?
You're not gonna blame me.

-Where did you go?
-Well, I left you because
you were being moronic.

- I wasn't!
- You were!

Seriously, who is going to buy

a Ford Focus when,
for the same money,

you could have
a V8-engine Mustang?

- No-one.
- What?

Nobody would. Mustang's
got so much more character.

Hang on.
So, you agree with me?

Oh, God, yes!
If I had the choice
of those two cars,

I'd have the Mustang
every day of the week.

So you ruined my day out
for no reason at all?

I ruined your day out
because it was fun...
to ruin your day out.

-Good work.
-It was good work.
Sorry about that.

But anyway, we must now
find out how fast those Fords
go round our track,

and that, of course, means
handing them over to our
other resident American -

a man who thinks that shower
gel is basically communist.

It's the American.

There he is, looking bewildered.

And he's away!

It sounds like a bunch
of goddamn mice in there.

Why the hell don't they just
start with eight cylinders?

Strangest mice I ever heard,
as he powers down the Isn't.

That is a good noise.

Arms working the wheel
like he's wrestling
a drifter,

which, of course, he is.

And already he's at
Your Name Here.

Tyres squealing,
but it's clinging on well,

and now the climb
back onto the Isn't.

It ain't got no room in it.

No place to put your beer.

I think he and I
look for slightly different
things in a car.

Anyway, now hard on the brakes

as he turns into
Old Lady's House.

Yeah, he is dispatching that
with no dramas,

and now he can get
the hammer down

for the bumpy sprint
to Substation.

Looking good.

Four-wheel-drive cars can,
of course, understeer,

but... nope,
not a whiff of it here.

And Field Of Sheep,
tidy through there as well,

and across the line.

Now, I think
he might enjoy this one.

And he is
wheel-spinning away!

All right!
American muscle, baby!

5.0 Mustang -
this thing is badass.

It's got a trunk,
a place for my golf clubs.

Pack up the old lady,
go for the weekend
somewhere in this thing,

and you can haul ass
while you're goin'.

Something there about an old
lady and hauling a bottom.

Anyway, he's on the Isn't,

and he's flying into
Your Name Here.

The mighty Mustang has filled
the American with vigour,

and he's being
surprisingly tidy.

That's what us Americans
want, we want to
smoke the tyres.

We want this thing
to just get shit and get.

Literally no idea what he's
on about. It's just a noise.

When this thing stops, man,
it stops on a dime.

"It'll stop on a dime
and give you nine cents
change" is what we say.

You really can't shut him up
about this one.

Anyway, he is keeping it neat
round Old Lady's House,

and then unleashing that V8 fury

over the rough stuff
to Substation.

Hard on the brakes,
ready for the 90 left.

Blip it up to Field Of Sheep.

Here we go.

Flurry of exuberance,
and across the line.

There we are.

OK, here's the Lap Board.

Let's have a look, first of
all, where the Focus went.

So...

Oh, there it is.

Faster than an ST200 -
perhaps not surprising.

Just as well.

Now let's bring up the Mustang.

Oh!

- That's not embarrassing,
is it?

The car that you, me,
and the American all prefer

is quite a lot slower
than the European Focus.

Yes.

Anyway, listen,
let's move on, shall we,

to Celebrity Brain Crash.

Now...

our guest this week
isn't just my favourite
Formula One driver,

he's also a local boy.

Oh, yeah, this is
the chatty man of motorsport,

Mr Effervescent,

ladies and gentlemen,
Kimi Räikkönen!

Here he comes.

What are we gonna ask him?

It doesn't matter
what you ask him.

It doesn't, because you won't
get a coherent answer.

Is he all right?

No, hang on. Whoa!

- Oh, no.
- Not again.

No, he has, I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen,

literally drunk himself
to death.

Damn.

- Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

Well, his liver has failed

and he's now slowly solidifying

in the freezing dusk of an
Arctic night, so that's a no.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

Well, it does, cos I actually
rather liked Kimi.

But I can think of something
else we can do to fill the time.

Here's the thing.
Er... If you're watching this

on the day the programme
is actually released,

it is December 23rd.

There are two days to go
until Christmas,

and if you're a man,
you won't have done
any shopping yet.

-But don't worry,
cos we've got your back.
-Oh, yeah.

We have trawled the Internet
and the shops

to find the best gift ideas.

Yes, and here, in our special
Grand Tour Santa Land Grotto.

Yeah.

Nice view. Nice everything.

Yeah. Er...

We begin with this
rather brilliant tray,

which, apparently, is
the ideal place to put your
laptop or your breakfast.

We have a picture of it
in action here.

Hang on a minute!
- I see a couple of problems
with that.

- I can too.
- What else have we got?

Well, now, the reason
I don't play chess any more

is it's just so exhausting
to move the pieces around.

-I know what you mean.
-Far too heavy, picking the
Queen up and moving her.

But it's OK, because Ferrari
has answered that problem
with this.

- It's a lightweight,
carbon-fibre chess set...

...and it's yours for £1,400.

- How much?!
- £1,400.

And that is the funny thing -
you take something ordinary,

write a car name on it,
and suddenly
it becomes expensive.

This bear, for example.
I know about bears.

It's an acrylic fibre,

stuffed with industrial waste.

£2.75.

But, because it's got
a Honda T-shirt on, £10.

£10.

Yes, but it's Honda Bear!

Or...

I love that! On Christmas
morning, Honda Bear!

I love following his adventures!

How about this lovingly crafted

"I love my Hyundai" pillowcase?

What woman is ever
going to leap into bed

with a man whose pillows
bear that legend?

OK, Hammond, I'll tell you
exactly what woman.

The woman who would wear
this thong,

which has written
lovingly on the front,

the legend Elantra.

Erotic! Erotic!

Can I just say, the perfect
Christmas gift for the
Hyundai owner is a BMW.

Well, yes, look, we realised
that branding stuff,

obviously there's some money
in it, so we thought,
since we're in Scandinavia,

we would launch our
own range of car-branded
Christmas jumpers.

Mm-hm.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Talk among yourselves,
everybody.
Hold on a moment.

This is modelling time.

Mine is a simple turtleneck.

Very, very warm,
bearing the name of a legend
on the front.

I know, it's very special.
Very Christmassy, yeah?

- I have gone for
a very cuddly...

...and Christmassy cardigan
bearing the name,

as you can see,
of a car I absolutely adore.

Yeah, and here's the thing, OK.

Mine is a crewneck, actually.

Why is everybody...?

- Why are you applauding?
- I don't know.

I think...

- Why are you...?
- Is it...?

Is it because they haven't
seen us in knitwear before?

Anyway, we've had a go
at making some
Grand Tour-branded stuff.

- Oh, yeah.
- But here's the thing.

We haven't gone for
the obvious stuff,

like jumpers
and mugs and umbrellas.

We've gone for things
that other people
haven't thought of.

Things like this -

haemorrhoid cream.

- We all need it.
- I don't.

No, I don't, either.

Well, this is mine.

Bought it for £2.75, but now
it's got Grand Tour on it,

we could sell that for £20.

I tell you what really good
idea we've had erm...

is condoms, OK,
which have been...

well, they've been branded
with well-known expressions

and phrases that we often say.

-I'm gonna demonstrate
using this...
-Whoa!

You flatter yourself, sir!

- Au contraire.
- Oh, really?

So we simply roll the condom
over the rolling pin.

Here it is. There's
the GT logo coming up.

And on the other side,
"How hard can it be?"

We're very pleased.

Pretty damn hard,
for a man of my age.

We're... We're very pleased
with these.

Various of our slogans
have been used. I'm going
to put mine on this er...

disappointingly small carrot.

Erm... And it bears
one of my expressions.

- See, I can't...
- Don't bite it!

Well, I can't open the thing,
can I?

No, there's one of those
little tear things.

- Hold on, love.
- I'll be with you in a minute.

-No, it's...
-You're not gonna be here
to help me when I'm using it!

- You don't know!
- I bloody do!

-I might be.
-I'm pretty sure
you won't be.

That's quite the wrong thing
to... Are you in?

- Yeah, I'm... What?!
- Can I have my glasses back?

- No.
- No, I want my glasses back

before you start messing
around with sex things.

Oh, right, let me...
Oh, dear. It's a bit baggy.

I've actually torn it
with my teeth,

which makes the slogan on it
quite appropriate, really -

"That's not gone well."

Can I just say, that is
by far and away

the least
erotic thing I have ever...

Don't tell me that's not
an unfamiliar sight.

Oh, have you done one as well?

Of course I have.
Very sensibly,
I put mine on earlier.

Whoa!

Branded with the GT logo and
my own personal catchphrase,

"I was the first to arrive."

Now, are you bored
with having two
fully functioning ankles?

Yes?
Well, don't worry if you are,

because this Christmas,
the market is awash
with products

designed specifically
to break them.

such as this iBot-9.

I thought
that was a vacuum cleaner.

No, it's incredibly heavy

because it's
packed full of pain.

Basically, you put these
things out on the side,
you stand and whizz about.

But within seconds of getting
on, you will be falling over
and breaking your ankles.

Probably so.

Yes, and on the other hand,
there are also these.

These are called
the Rocket Skates.

They will cost you just £900,

and they are guaranteed
to power you
straight to casualty.

Yeah.

- No, they're fine.
No,
they're really not.

-I'll be all right.
I could have a go on those.
-Who'd like to see that?

You said it.

Seriously.
I mean, honestly...

"How hard can it be?"

See, I knew it would
come in handy.
I can bludgeon...

- Seriously, I'll have a go.
- Off you go, mate.

- Yeah.
- Can I wear my shoes in them?

Are they like ski boots?

Yes, Jeremy,
apart from they've got wheels
and you're indoors.

- I am not going near them.
- Just put my foot in them.

I don't want to!

-I can't see what I'm...
-It's degrading
and unpleasant.

-Do I take my shoes off?
-Put your great cloven hoof
in there.

It fits!
You can go to the ball.

There, you're in.

- Thank you.
- Now what are you gonna do?

You're not gonna do it!

-Is that it?
Have you started?
-Not yet.

I better face the other way,
hadn't I?

Looking good.

These are worth every...

What will they cost, 900 quid?

- Nine hundred quid.
- Literally every penny.

Wait, hold it there.
Hold it there.

Look out, girls,
Mr Darcy's arrived.

Looking good.

- Oh, this is brilliant.
- Wow!

I can see why they're called
Rocket Skates.

- Come on, man.
- Oh, God!
I'm trying to move!

Lean back!
- What do you mean,
"Lean back"?

Like that?

- Jeremy?
- What?

Stephen Hawking would make
a better job of these

Rocket Skates than you have.

- Right...
- Where are you going?!

- You've got to get one...
- Do you remember...

Whoa!
It's a disaster!

Shit. Sorry.

Don't worry, Jeremy. I will
come and rescue on my...

Bloody hell!

Oh, my God. It's going mad.

Erm... Right. Right.

-I put my foot on there.
-This is a really good
ambulance service.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry,
I'll be there in a minute.

I don't know that this works.

I've gone again!

Shit! Now I've got cramp!

That was...
That was a brilliant idea,
but never mind,

because erm...
I have a perfect
Christmas present here.

You control this
with your mobile phone
and your face comes on it.

And the brilliant thing
about it is that it means

you can have your favourite
celebrity round to your house
for Christmas lunch.

With that in mind, ladies and
gentlemen, would you please
welcome into the studio -

he's actually in his office
in London, and yet he's also
here on top of a stick -

it's Bob Geldof!

We're gonna say hello to Bob.

- I can't say hello to Bob!
- He's coming, Hammond.

- I just go in circles!
- It is!

It's Bob Geldof, everybody!

Hello, Bob.
Where have you gone?

Bob! We're over here, Bob!

- Bob!
- Bob, we're over here!

- Where are you?
- He's there!

Bob Geldof, how are you?

Yes, happy Christmas!

Oh, sorry!

-Are you having
a good Christmas, Bob?
-Oh, no! Bob's...

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bob Geldof is lost!

He's gone in the wrong...

Oh, James May's
coming to join in.

I'm coming
to talk to Bob Geldof.

Whoa!
May has kissed
Bob Geldof!

- Hello, Bob. How are you?
- Get out of the way!

- I'm travelling!
- No, straight ahead, Bob.

Bob, no. Left-hand down, Bob.
No, Bob. Bob, you...

Have I just attacked
somebody's knob?

Bob, stop attacking the crowd!

Now where's he going?!

Bob!

Right,
I'll rescue Bob. Hold on.

Straight ahead, Bob.
That's perfect.

- Straight ahead. Straight.
- A bit of right-hand down.

No, don't drive into it!
Stop head-butting the tree!

This is ridiculous!

Where's the reindeers
and Santa Claus at?

Oh, no!
Hang on a minute!

He's ruined Christmas!

Does he know
it's Christmas time at all?

Well, tonight, thank God
it's him instead of us

knocking the Christmas
tree over.

Absolutely right.
He's ruined it!

Anyway, erm...

This year marks
the 50th anniversary

of the greatest
battle in motorsport history.

The story begins in the 1960s,

when Ford realised that they
could sell a lot more cars

if they were a lot more
successful on the racetrack.

So they formulated
a brilliant plan,
but unfortunately...

...it went disastrously
wrong, didn't it, Bob?

Ford knew that if you wanted
to rule in motorsport,

there was only one race
that mattered.

The toughest and most
dangerous of them all -

the 24 Hours of Le Mans.

Levegh's Mercedes
collides and blows up.

The problem was,
for all its might,

Ford didn't have a clue
how to win at Le Mans.

However, over in Italy,
someone did.

In the early 1960s,

Enzo Ferrari's cars
ruled sports-car racing,

Le Mans especially.

At the start of the decade,

he had won the famous
and gruelling 24-hour race

three times on the trot.

However, the company was in
deep financial difficulty,

so when Ford offered to buy
the entire business,

Enzo agreed.

At first, all went well.

Enzo Ferrari and the head
of Ford, Henry Ford II,

quickly settled
on a price of $16 million.

And on May 21st 1963,

Ford executives arrived in
Maranello to sign the deal.

Ford turned up
with an army of suits.

Enzo Ferrari sat opposite them

with just the local town lawyer.

They read the contract
and all seemed well,

but then, suddenly,
Ferrari stopped

and he took out
his famous fountain pen
full of purple ink,

and as you can see from this
accurate copy I have here,

he drew a big exclamation
mark and he wrote,

"No, that's no good!"

Now, what had angered him?
Well, it was this clause
here.

You see, Enzo Ferrari
wanted to retain control

of the motorsport side
of his business,

but this bit effectively
handed control to Ford.

There followed
a tirade of abuse in Italian,

after which,
Enzo said to his lawyer,
"Let's go and eat."

Then they got up and they
simply walked out on the
stunned Ford executives.

That was that.

All of this for nothing.

Back in Detroit, Henry Ford II,

apoplectic with rage,

gathered his lieutenants
and issued the order:

"Build me a car that will
crush Ferrari at Le Mans."

To beat Ferrari
on European soil,

Ford needed European expertise,

so he hired a small
British motorsport company

that set up shop here,
in this very building,

on an industrial estate in
Slough, just outside London.

And the challenges
they faced were enormous.

They had to build a car that
would race at over 200mph,

which was something that had
never been done before,

and it had to be reliable
for the 24 hours
of the Le Mans race -

a race in which you
changed gear 9,000 times

and drove flat out
for 3,000 miles.

And, as if that wasn't
bad enough, they only had
ten months to do it.

Out of that insane timetable
emerged this.

The Ford GT.

Thanks to its sleek shape
and the body that stood
just 40-inches tall,

it promised to cut through
the air like a missile.

Add a 4.2L V8,

and the magic target
of 200mph seemed in the bag.

The trouble is, a racing car
is just a collection
of hopes and dreams

until it gets on the track.

And that's something
that Ford learned
in a very brutal way

when they took the GT40
to test at Le Mans
for the first time.

And so to the first
Le Mans practice session.

On its first outing,
the renamed GT40 was fast,

but it was also
terrifyingly unstable,

spinning its wheels
on the straights.

I'm not talking about
when you set off,

I mean it was happening
at 170mph!

Now, the problem was either
aerodynamics or suspension,

but they never found out,

because, later that day,
the car crashed at 160mph.

Well, that was OK. They had
a spare one, of course.

The next day,
that crashed as well.

Le Mans
was just two months away.

Against all odds,
Ford got their act together
in time for the 1964 race.

The Le Mans
24 Hour Race at last,

and three gleaming Ford GTs
are present.

But during the race itself,

all the cars broke down
or caught fire,

leaving bitter rivals Ferrari

to take another
one-two-three victory.

In Detroit, Henry Ford
decreed that they would be
back next year

to take on Ferrari again.

And to head up the campaign,

he turned to
an American motorsport hero.

My name's Carroll Shelby and
performance is my business.

Shelby was a former
chicken farmer from Texas

who took nitroglycerin pills
to keep his heart going.

But he'd also racked up
countless victories

as a driver and team owner.

Given the task of turning
the GT40 into a winner,

he put his top man on the job.

Coming up is Ken Miles,

one of the best
sport-car drivers in America.

Miles was a former
Second World War tank
commander from Birmingham -

the one in England, not Alabama.

He was renowned
for speaking his mind

and developing racing cars.

Miles took the car
for a shakedown.

Then he got out
and he told Shelby
and the Ford executives,

"It's bloody awful!"

Then he got to work,

improving the brakes,
the engine,

the aerodynamics, the handling,

and taming
the car's terrifying
high-speed instability.

However, and even though he
and his team took amphetamine

so that they could
stay awake all night,

there simply wasn't time
to develop the car properly
for Le Mans.

The GT40 may have been faster,

but it was still fragile.

At the 1965 race,

six cars started, none finished,

and the Italians
humiliated Ford once again.

So, untold millions
of dollars had been spent

since the first GT40 emerged
from this building here,

and yet not one car
had even finished the race.

So Ford now faced
a difficult choice -

he could throw in the towel
against Ferrari,
or he could fight on.

What he actually did was
he had some business cards
printed,

and he distributed them
to his Le Mans team.

And on the cards it said,
"You'd better win."

And so, a year later,

the American giant
returned to Le Mans

with its hopes resting on this.

OK, viewers,

this is historic-race-car
bucket-list moment
number two,

because this is an actual GT40

that competed at Le Mans
in 1966.

All right, don't go mad, May,
it's worth 15-million quid.

Sod it!
Let's make some noise!

Oh, yes!

In this new GT40,

Ken Miles had racked up
thousands of test hours.

Now the car was no longer
horribly unstable,

but would sit rocksteady
at 210mph.

And the Brummie tank
commander had the backing of
Ford's huge R&D department,

who tackled the car's
appalling reliability.

The brakes no longer went
into thermal shock

at the end of the long straight.

The engine and transmission
were run on
a computerised test rig

that simulated the whole of
the 24-Hour Le Mans race.

Now, that's standard practice
in Formula One today,

but in 1966 that was witchcraft.

They weren't mucking about,
these blokes.

But neither were the opposition.

Over in Italy, in response
to the new threat,

Ferrari produced this.

Called the P3,
it looked as sleek as a GT40.

And at just 37.4 inches tall,
it was even lower.

Avanti!

Whoo! Holy mother!

I best be a little bit
careful on this narrow road.

It's worth £20 million.

Where the GT40 boasted
a top speed of over 210mph,

the P3 maxed out at just 190.

But Enzo Ferrari was willing
to trade outright speed
for gains elsewhere.

The Ferrari was lighter,
it was more agile.

Ferrari reckoned
he could make up
the difference in the bends,

and he wouldn't have to stop
so often for fuel.

A David and Goliath battle
was looming.

At the 1966 Le Mans race,
Ford arrived with an armada -

eight cars, 20 tonnes of spares,

and a squad
of world-class drivers,

including Ken Miles himself.

In comparison, Ferrari turned
up with just a trio of P3s,

but Enzo had an ace
up his sleeve -

the undisputed
fastest driver on the planet,

Formula One World Champion
John Surtees.

He came to me and said,
"John... we've got to beat
the Fords. Go out and do it."

I thought
there was only one tactic -

to have at least one car
be the hare.

I said, "Look,
I don't mind being the hare."

"The moment that flag goes down,

we need to be - bang - off,"

tempting the Ford drivers
to perhaps overdrive
a little bit.

If one could push them
hard enough for long enough,

then there is more
likelihood, obviously,
of being able to break them.

The plan was set.

But, as zero hour approached,
everything unravelled.

Shortly before
the race, we learned that
he wasn't going to drive,

and we asked him about it.

Yes, unfortunately
you've heard correct.
I won't be driving.

What is the reason?

Well, I suppose it's best
summed up at this stage

by saying
"political reasons."

The problem was that
the Ferrari team manager

was playing
his own political game.

He had no particular liking
for Surtees,

and he nominated another driver

to go out and start the race,
to be the hare,

even though Surtees
was clearly
the fastest man available.

And I just stormed
away, drove back, and
had it out with the old man.

As the Italian papers put it,

they showed a picture
of me walking out the gates
and saying,

"The divorce of John Surtees
and Enzo."

With Surtees out of the way,

the Fords took the top four
slots in qualifying.

And as the clock ticked down,
Henry Ford II
prepared to drop the flag,

praying that, this time,
he would get his revenge.

Live from Le Mans, France,
it's the 24 Hours of Le Mans.

At first, the Fords
stormed into the lead.

But a few hours in,

it was beginning to look like
a depressing repeat
of '64 and '65.

As night fell, the Ferraris,
using their greater agility

and their greater
fuel efficiency,

were leading the race
one-two.

Four of the eight GT40s were
out of the race altogether.

Worse still, the Ford drivers
had strict orders
not to go balls-out

for fear of breaking the cars.

But one man wasn't listening
to those orders.

Ken Miles put the hammer down,

set blistering lap times,
and retook the lead for Ford.

The Ferraris had no response
to this crushing pace,

and by morning,
they had either
broken down or crashed.

That afternoon, Henry Ford
watched his cars cruise home

to a spectacular
one-two-three finish.

First place
for the Ford GT Mk II,

and a first-time win
for America at Le Mans.

Ford would go on
to win their next four
Le Mans races.

But the man
who had contributed
so much to the team

didn't get to see
these triumphs.

Ken Miles was killed two
months after their first win,

testing the latest GT40.

It's impossible to calculate
how much Henry Ford spent

on his three-year campaign
to break Ferrari,

but experts reckon that,
at the very least,

in today's money,
it was £360 million.

Now, that's a big bill
for settling a spat
with an angry Italian.

But look what
we got out of it -

one of the world's
greatest cars.

Very good.

That was good. Very good.

- I hate you.
- I know.

No, but I really hate you
now, cos you've driven a
Ford GT40, and I never have.

I mean, next week
are you gonna lick
Helena Christensen?

Look...

I'm sure you could drive a
GT40 if you really wanted to.

I can't, I'm too tall.

Yeah, you mean fat.

Tall.

Horizontally tall.

Well, listen, whatever
dimension is the problem,

I can't drive one.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
it is time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching. Good night.