The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Help Is Other People - full transcript

As you reach the end of your
first year in the afterlife,

what do you remember most?

The everlasting friendships you made?

The adversity you overcame together?

The day everything was chocolate?

That day was awesome.

I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

It was all chocolate.

Shh, shh, shh.

You only have a few hours
left in your first year,

so why not do as many amazing
good deeds for other people



as you possibly can by
midnight just in case?

I know. I know. All
right, I'll take it out.

I'm a little tired, okay?

- Lay off.
- That movie, minus the part

where Eleanor gives away
the entire experiment,

will play before the party tonight.

Speaking of which, the theme is

"One Year Down, Infinity to Go."

Dress is London black tie.

That means Knightsbridge
black tie, not Kensington

or, heaven forbid, West Brompton.

[LAUGHS]

Can you imagine?

[LAUGHING] No.



Also, just after midnight,

in order to reset my processing power,

I will be violently
eating my Janet babies.

I'd advise no one look directly at me.

Copy that. So tonight at the party,

we're gonna go for one more point grab.

I'm gonna suggest that they
make toasts about each other,

celebrate their ups and downs,
demonstrate personal growth,

blah, blah, blah, humanity is saved.

[LAUGHTER]

One more day, guys. Let's finish strong.

And to that end, as you might know,

I've been practicing human magic.

Oh.

Ta-da.

- Dope.
- [LAUGHS]

So I was thinking...

No, the Magnificent Dr. Presto

is not performing tonight.

- Come on, I...
- Dude, magic is always lame.

But it's especially lame here,

where there's actual magic.

As a counterargument, check your pocket.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

The other one.

Oh, shoot, sorry.

It's my pocket.

Ta-da.

Dope.

You know what? You can perform.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You changed my mind
with that pocket thing.

Oh, boffo.

- Oh, you're being mean.
- Yep.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

_

I am very excited for tonight.

And dare I say,
you all look so splendid,

you could work the coat
check at the Met Gala.

Ooh, speaking of the Met Gala,

remember that security cam footage

of Solange and Jay-Z
fighting in the elevator?

I learned to read lips.
Turns out, she was yelling,

"No fair, I wanted to be the
one to push the button."

[LAUGHS]

So, uh, yeah, it wasn't as juicy

as some people maybe thought it was.

- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- Hey, gang.

Had a pretty good round today.
Better close this door.

I don't want all those birdies
to follow me in here.

[LAUGHS]

Why?

Okay, Brent, hurry up and change

so we can get to the party.

Oh, right, hang on.
Uh, Janet gave me this.

Tuxedo in a can.

- [CAN POPS]
- [GASPS]

Ooh, you know, I came
this close to firing Janet,

but she's gotten a lot better.

Okay, we're not leaving yet.

I need to show you all something.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

This is the result of
months of observation.

Now, I know you're
gonna think I'm crazy.

No, why would we think that?

But there is something wrong
with this neighborhood.

And it involves the people in this room.

So crazy that we're at
the end of this thing

and we have no idea how we did.

Janet, any chance you could
get a look inside that obelisk?

Check that magic scoreboard?

There is a chance, yes.

About 1 in 970 trillion.

Let's give her a whirl.

- [SOFT BEEPS]
- It did not work.

I'll be right back.

- [SOFT BEEP]
- Ugh!

I feel okay about most
of it, but I just wish

we had one concrete sign
that Brent has improved.

One moment where he bumps into someone

and sincerely says, "Oops, my bad."

You know? I would kill
for an "oops, my bad."

Who's a girl gotta fork
to get an "oops, my bad"?

Hey, hey, hey, panicking
about this experiment

at crucial moments is kind of my move.

- Don't fall apart on me, now.
- I won't.

It's just... you know me.

On Earth, I never played
a game unless I knew

I could either win or bribe the ref

so he'd throw it for me.

And if we lose, I'm gonna be so mad.

- Ugh!
- Just one more day.

We're gonna stick to the plan,
not do anything radical.

Though we could do something...

[WHISPERING] Ah, magical.

You gotta let it go, man.

- [SOFT BEEP]
- She's right.

I've been suspicious about
this place since day one.

Over the last few months,
I've been collecting data,

and now I am positive,
something is truly forked up.

You didn't tell me about
any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin?

I'm getting a lot of
breaking news at once here.

I was gathering evidence.

I didn't wanna compromise

the integrity of the data collection.

Oh, so romantic.

Here's what I know.

Eleanor and Michael are up to something,

and it's focused on us.

I mean, there are, like, 300
people in the neighborhood,

and somehow they just
spend all of their time

talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else
are they gonna talk to?

Dumb Shorts Cathy?

- [LAUGHS]
- What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

What isn't my problem with her?

Jianyu, are you okay? You look sweaty.

Oh, no. He's fine.

He always sweats when he's meditating.

He calls it "sweat-itating."

No, I mean, um,

he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm friends with Sting.

I can't take it anymore.

I know something,

and it's just graduated from hot goss

to relevant AF.

Yes, I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

That's not Jianyu.

His name is Jason.

And he's here by mistake.

Chidi's been helping him hide
and become a better person.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

I also knew about this, of course.

Might as well come clean, darling.

Hi, Simone.

Jason Mendoza, Jacksonville, Florida.

Go, Jags, obviously.
Um, what else about me?

I was born in a swimming pool.

Okay, you never told
me about this, ducky.

Ducky?

I'm gonna have to sit down.

This is too much.

Well, I swore I wouldn't tell,

and keeping your word is a central tenet

of deontological ethics.

Aw, so romantic.

Okay, let's assume
certain things are odd

about this place. What is your theory?

I don't know.

Maybe this isn't the Good Place.

Maybe it's a test.

My best guess, it's some
kind of experiment.

We're being observed in
a closed environment.

Simone, look at this logically.

We are in paradise.

There's fresh air, mountains, Janet.

And yes, some of us are under 5'10",

but other than that,
it is literally perfect here.

No, it is not. Jason is proof.

And if you need more evidence

that this isn't the Good Place,

clearly he's not the only
one who doesn't belong.

Actually, she's right,
and I know it for a fact.

For the first time ever,

I am desperate for you to keep talking.

Well, right at the beginning,
I talked to Mike and Eleanor,

and they were like, "Yeah,
don't tell anyone this,

"but there's a place better than this,

"the Best Place,

and that's where you're headed, amigo."

I don't think they
actually called you amigo.

I had to go through the year here,

kind of a test, I guess,
which, obviously, I aced.

So at midnight, I'm in the first

Escalade out of here, baby.

- Brent.
- Yeah?

- Think about this.
- Okay.

How could you get into the Best Place?

You would literally have to be

one of the most incredible
people in the universe.

I mean, it makes sense to me.
I don't know what to tell you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, in the words of Princess Kate

after we came back from
our shopping trip in Ibiza,

"There's a lot to unpack here."

Perhaps we should just
put our concerns aside

and enjoy ourselves.

No way.

We have to figure out exactly
what is going on here.

Okay, just... go to the party,

but keep your eyes open.

I've got a special mission for us.

- Oh, I...
- Oh, good.

Muffin and Ducky are on the case.

♪ ♪

- _
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- How's it going?
- Awesome.

No, it isn't.

Oh, yeah. Terrible.

Simone knows the neighborhood
isn't what it appears to be.

She's been collecting
evidence for months.

So all that hanging out with Brent

and participating in group activities...

Was under false pretenses.
She was observing him.

She's been observing everything.

Guys, pick a card.

- Yes!
- No time.

The subjects are onto us.

They know something weird is going on,

and it could derail the
entire experiment.

- Oh, no!
- [COINS JINGLING]

Oh, sorry, uh, that was unintentional.

What?

There's nothing here.

Did you find anything?

Just some song lyrics
that Michael wrote?

"Here's a trippy little ditty
'bout a train to Groovy City.

"Open up your freaky crystal mind

and we'll have a cosmic good time."

See, that makes me think we're in hell.

Look, we tried to prove your theory,

but it feels like we came up empty.

Chidi, there is so much
evidence they've been lying.

How can you not see that?

Eleanor told me that this
was her first neighborhood.

Maybe some of these are
just honest mistakes.

And also she... told me some other stuff

that I really want to be true.

What kind of stuff?

Well, it was...

something about us.

Why does everything I do fall
apart so close to the end?

My first experiment,
now this experiment.

I only got halfway through writing

"The Purple Train to Groovy City."

I just ran out of creative juice.

Focus. We cannot let
this slip away from us

at the last second.

New plan: forget the toasts.

We do nothing.

We hope that our early successes make up

for the embarrassing mess we've become.

Like Facebook or America.

Okay, sound good? Michael?

We have no way to know

what this really means
for the experiment.

I don't think we can play it safe.

I have a plan. It's risky.

But it might be the only way to get them

to where they need to be.

Do you trust me?

Yeah. Fork it.

Whatever it is, I'm in.

I'm always down for forking it.

- We trust you Michael.
- Then trust...

the Magnificent Dr. Presto.

Man, you cannot pull that hat out

after you ask us if we trust you.

Soul mates?

That's what Eleanor said,
that we're soul mates?

Yep. Pretty neat, huh?

I think it's pretty neat.

Do you think it's pretty
neat, intensely, forever?

Chidi, I really like you.

But I don't think we're soul mates.

Because I don't think soul
mates actually exist.

Right.

Right, right.

- Right?
- Think rationally.

Isn't it weird that she only told
one of us that we're soul mates?

Is it odd? Yes.

Does it mean that Eleanor's
motives are questionable?

Also yes.

But does it suggest that
she wasn't being truthful?

Yes. Okay, I'm starting
to see your point.

Whoa.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

What does that mean?

Why is it only four of us?
Why not Tahani and Jason?

Why are there emojis?

I mean, one of them's party hat guy.

I mean, that's good,
right? He's friendly.

It's better than thermometer
guy or angry cat

or smiling poop coil.

Okay, we have to get back to the party

before Eleanor and Michael
notice we're missing.

Great plan. Let's kiss.

Sorry, still thinking about
the soul mate thing.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I can't believe I'm saying this...

the Magnificent Dr. Presto.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Now, I know some of you

may not believe in magic.

Well, I think they
believe in some magic.

Yesterday everybody ate a lollipop

that let them talk to birds.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Okay, but this is Earth magic.

And it's harder.

And if you don't understand that,

I am here...

to change your mind.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on.

It started out as a dollar bill

and now it's four quarters.

"Change your mind"?

- Michael, it's three quarters.
- What?

Oh, three quarters.

Three quarters, even harder!

- Thank you!
- [TEPID APPLAUSE]

Can you make them clap harder?

They see what they see, man.

Did you guys find anything?

Yes, proof that the four of us...

and only the four of us...
are being forked with.

But we still don't have any hard proof

that this place is evil

or that Michael and
Eleanor are nefarious,

so, you know, no one's heart
needs to break just yet.

Yeah, I'm with him. This place is fine.

Hey, if you guys don't make
the cut up to the Best Place,

I'll try to put in a good word for you.

- You guys got business cards?
- Brent,

I need a volunteer. Come on up.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay, Brent, I want you to
take off your wristwatch

and place it in my hat.

Now, this is a Rolex.

It's the exact same watch
Richie Sambora wears.

- Ah.
- So be careful.

And now the Magnificent Dr. Presto

will transform y...

- Oh. Oh.
- [GROUND RUMBLING]

[PEOPLE GASPING AND YELLING]

- Oh, my gosh!
- Whoa! Oh!

- No, oh, Brent!
- [SCREAMS]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

Brent, can you hear me?

If it somehow helps,

there's a small dove in your pocket!

Never mind.

Brent, I'm so sorry.

I must have screwed
up the trick somehow.

Hold on, we're gonna
get you out of there.

Yeah, you better!

I got a hell of a lawsuit on my hands.

I'm gonna frickin' own this place.

- Okay.
- Okay,

everyone, uh, please disperse.

We'll let you know when it's safe.

Uh, you three, stay here.
Keep an eye on Brent.

We're gonna try and fix this remotely

using eternal-being technology.

Tahani, Jianyu, try and find a rope.

- Righto.
- Okay, so what do we do,

try to climb down or wait for the rope?

Neither, we get the fork outta here.

Chidi, a giant hell-hole just opened up

and swallowed one of us.

I don't care what this place really is.

Giant holes are bad, and we should go.

Or giant holes are bad, so
if someone falls into one,

you try to help get him out.

- Whoa.
- [SCREAMS]

I'm not scared!

I'm shouting so you know I'm okay.

I am very brave.

Whoo, I hope this works.

We basically just confirmed
that we're lying to them.

Oh, man. Was this a bad idea?

I mean, what if this was a bad idea?

It wasn't, homey. It was a good idea.

Can anyone else weigh in?

I'm serious.

In football, trying to run out the clock

and hoping for the best never works.

It's called "prevent defense."

You don't take any chances

and just try and hang on to your lead.

But prevent defense just
prevents you from winning.

It's always better to try something.

Jason, that was... coherent.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to.

It's a good plan, Michael.

Hopefully they've bonded enough
as a group to rescue Brent,

call me, get a train, and all
head out of here together.

But was it a mistake
to have Brent fall in?

We could have had Chidi fall in, right?

Or a cute baby panda

or maybe, you know,
like, a box of doughnuts?

Everyone loves doughnuts.

Brent was the right choice.

It's not a tough call
whether to save Chidi

because he's a brilliant and kind person

with a caboose you can
bounce a quarter off of,

and I know because I've done it.

We threw Brent in there
because there is no reason

any of them should help
him because Brent sucks.

Brent is the opposite
of a box of doughnuts.

Toilet full of broccoli.

Yeah, kinda, Brent is
a toilet full of broccoli.

But because he sucks so bad,

if they do risk their
safety to help him,

they'll get more points.

Basically it's a Hail Mary.

It's risky, but if we complete it,

we win the game.

That was two good analogies in a row.

I'm now worried that he's
a demon in a Jason suit.

Are we really in hell?

I mean, I didn't lead a
perfect life on Earth,

but I worked very hard.

Making fun of people
you'd never even met.

Well, I guess you must be right, Simone,

because you always have to be.

Hey, are you the bottom
of a coal-fired pizza?

- Why, 'cause I'm burnt?
- Gah! You are always right.

Well, if it is hell,
I know why I'm here.

Almond milk.

I drank so much of it

despite the negative
environmental impacts.

Okay, wherever we are,
I do not wanna be here

when the clock hits zero, okay?

Now might be our only chance to escape.

Not without Brent.

Do you think if the roles were reversed,

he would waste any time rescuing you?

Maybe. If Elle Macpherson were nearby

and he wanted to impress her

or if he thought that I was
a prince he could ransom...

That's not the point.

He is a person in a hole.

I have a duty to help him get out.

What he would do is irrelevant.

I don't think it is.

If you do a science
experiment a thousand times

and always get the same
results, you move on.

We've given Brent a thousand
chances to be a good person.

In one of them, he was so awful,

you punched him in the face.

Okay, but when I did that,

I thought cutting him out of our group

meant that he would have to find

another place in heaven to hang out.

That's changed. I can't just leave him.

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

Well,

I respect your position.

I respect yours.

♪ ♪

Look, I know everything's
really scary right now,

but I just have to say it.

That was the most boring
breakup I've ever seen.

[CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER]

Hey, Chidi, shake it off.

Another bus comes every 15 minutes.

Brent.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Where are they?

They never called a train.

They must have taken Brent's Escalade.

Oh, that's good.

The important thing is
that the group bonded

and stayed together.

Hello! Could someone help us?

- Us?
- Yeah.

This frickin' genius tried
to help me and he fell in.

I thought you were smart, man.

Are you serious right now?

Well, turns out, the group did not bond.

The group snapped in half.

Will you help us?

These rocks are really sharp down here.

- I'm scared.
- I'm not.

- Just give us a second.
- Guys, I think we're cooked.

It's over.

No, no way. I am not giving up.

I told you, I only play games I can win.

And I played this game,
so that means we can win.

- I don't think that tracks.
- Shut up. What do you know?

Literally everything, but keep going.

I am liking this energy from you.

We have eight minutes left,
so that means we keep trying.

What else can we try?

We've already blown everything up.

We can't blow it up again.

If there's one thing
I know in this world,

it's that you can always blow
up the same thing twice.

He's right.

We have one last move here.

Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal.

We just have a few questions for you.

Uh, where are John and Simone?

We can't find them.

They left.

- I don't know where they went.
- Typical.

Disloyal jerks.

You know, man, actually,
they really tried with you

and you made it very
hard to be your friend.

You wanna know what happened?

They got jealous

because I'm going to the Best Place.

- They bugged out.
- You're not going to the Best Place!

Don't you get it? They're torturing you.

They're torturing all of us!

[SCOFFS]

Because this is the Bad Place.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[BOTH CACKLING]

♪ ♪

Oh, man!

I can't believe you figured it out!

Wait. He's right?

This is the Bad Place?

Yeah. Damn it, he's right.

Yeah, we had a good
run, though, didn't we?

- Yeah, we did.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

So... no Best Place?

[MOCKINGLY] "Oh, so no Best Place?"

Oh, Brent, you big white oaf.

Never change, bud.

Well, I guess we should let him know

you guys are on your way.

- Yeah.
- Wait. On our way where?

The actual Bad Place.

They let us toy with you
a little just for kicks,

but now you're going... [SQUEAKS]

- [LAUGHS]
- And trust me on this.

It's a lot worse.

[BOTH CACKLING]

♪ ♪

- Well done.
- Let's hope it works.

We only have a minute left.

Man, crazy twist, huh?

It's like something out
of a Chip Driver novel.

Leave me alone, Brent.

I'm kind of freaking out over here, man.

You're my only real friend.

I'm not your friend.
I don't even like you.

- But you helped me.
- Yeah, I did.

Because I have this stupid moral code

that forces me to help everyone.

But you have never helped anyone

because you don't care
about other people,

which is the bare minimum
that a person has to do,

just care a little about the
other people around you,

and you can't do it.

What are you trying to say here?

♪ ♪

You are a bad person.

♪ ♪

You can do this.

Come on, dumdum. Faster.

No, I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not.

I'm a good person!

Oh, man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Look, Chidi, whatever happens next,

I, um... I need to say this to you.

All right? I am...

I am so, so sorr...

[SHIMMERING TONE]

♪ ♪

- [SOFT BEEP]
- Sorry.

Eleanor asked me to bring her this

the second the experiment was over.

Well, you know what they say.

It's zero o'clock in the sky somewhere.

♪ ♪