The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Funeral to End All Funerals - full transcript
The group awaits the judge's final decision on the fate of human existence.
[OMINOUS RUMBLING]
Well, that's just...
that's uncomfortable.
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
What's up?
Tell us what happened.
Did we win, did we lose?
Is humanity saved forever?
And did you find Nintendo?
I can't find it any... whoop.
Never mind. I'm holding it.
Sorry, I can't reveal the
results of the experiment
until we get to the Judge's chambers.
Okay, where is everyone?
Where's Simone and John and Brent
and actually I don't care
about any of those doofs.
- Where's Chidi?
- Oh, he's on the toilet.
Sorry, that's not enough information.
The text subjects are frozen in stasis,
so I put them in the bathroom,
and I placed Chidi on the toilet,
the best seat.
Let's wake him up.
You know, so I can, like,
be reunited with the man I love.
Snappy, snappy, memory fixy.
The Judge says no one gets unfrozen
until she's ruled on the case.
Oh, humans have to stay here.
- You can't see the numbers.
- Hang on.
I worked my ash off
running this neighborhood
for a full year,
and I'm not even allowed
to hear how we did?
Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila.
Okay, let us know how it goes.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
_
Regardless of what the Judge rules,
this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Even if we succeeded,
there's no guarantee
she'll keep us together.
She might just snap her fingers
and send us flying into
different dimensions.
How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Aw, man, are we gonna die again?
We've died so many times.
We've probably had, like,
15 funerals by now.
It's getting annoying.
If it would cheer you up,
I could tell you what happened
at your original funerals.
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that...
Uh, please stop.
I don't want to hear it.
what about mine?
Your friends didn't say things about you
so much as they graffitied
a Red Lobster about you.
Yeah, in Jacksonville,
that's the first stage of grief.
In Arizona, you can either
have a regular funeral,
or they can put your body
out on a shooting range,
and you get a $200 state tax credit.
Hang on.
This is how we take our minds
off the Judge's ruling.
Let's throw ourselves the funeral
to end all funerals.
Awesome.
And you know what they say in Florida:
"If you don't like this
funeral, just wait a minute."
[WHOOSHING]
Ugh. The Judge's chambers.
I hate this place.
What's the wi-fi password?
There is no service.
Shawn.
Michael.
Bounces of me, and sticks to you.
Wait. No, I messed that up.
First, say something mean to me,
really cruel, something
that just guts me.
You're totally gonna be glue.
So it's come to this.
We have finally arrived at the end
of your pathetic attempt
to prove that humans
are more than just
mobile turd factories,
and you are going to fail again
because that is what you do.
You're a choker, Michael.
And you're about to choke
for the last time...
except for the eternity
you're going to spend
in the Bad Place being choked by me,
who will be doing the choking.
Well, you're glue.
- Wow.
- [GASPS]
- Look at this place.
- Beautiful.
The floor.
Hello, Good Place committee.
Thank you for coming.
No, thank you, Michael.
You did an incredible job,
maybe the best job that
anyone's ever done at any task.
But you don't know how we did.
We might not know how you did,
but we know you did great.
And Shawn, before we even
find out what happened,
we want you to know
we're willing to give up
all our leverage, compromise,
and meet you halfway.
I met your mom halfway last night.
- [LAUGHTER]
- So colorful!
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Tahani Al-Jamil,
in the place she felt most comfortable,
the cabin of a Gulfstream
G650 private jet.
Tahani was super nice,
and she deserved for people
to be nicer to her than they were.
The only sad thing is that
she never got over her
speech impediment.
Tahani improved so much
over her many lives,
but she also helped me improve.
She taught me lots of stuff,
like bras shouldn't be painful,
and you don't buy bras at Home Depot,
and they don't sell bras at Home Depot.
What the hell are you wearing?
For the record,
it was a men's back support harness,
and it worked in a pinch.
She was the best friend I ever had...
and I loved her.
Oh, thank you so much.
That was wonderful.
I wish Chidi was here.
It sucks that he's too dead
for these Heaven funerals.
Can someone grab his arm?
My hands are kind of full with his butt.
How'd he get so jacked?
When he was 14, someone told him that
exercise alleviated anxiety,
and he started doing pushups
and basically never stopped.
[ALL GRUNTING]
All right, everyone.
Let's get this done.
This is the single most important case
that has ever appeared in my court,
and the results will have
ramifications for eternity.
Before we begin,
I'm going to need you all to sign this.
A petition to bring back "Ally McBeal."
Well, yeah.
I mean, everything else
is getting rebooted.
Get a young hottie in there,
you know, like a Zendaya type.
Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?
Zendaya.
Or... I don't...
I mean, who wouldn't watch that?
Am I right? Anyone?
Fine.
[BANGING GAVEL]
Take it away, Matt.
Okay, the moment we've
all been waiting for.
The test results that dictate
the future of humanity.
Here we go. In 30, 29...
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Two, one.
Voilà.
[SLOT MACHINE SOUND EFFECTS]
I thought this would be fun.
Had a lot of time alone in there.
[BELL CHIMES]
Bam!
Simone got 12% better
than she was on Earth.
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
Bam! John got 44% better.
[SAD HORN]
Shoot.
Shouldn't have committed
so hard to this "bam" thing.
Funeral!
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer
that might thoroughly depress me,
what made you choose this setting?
There's a Jacksonville tradition
of having your funeral
where you were born.
I got born in the deep end of a pool
right after my mom did a cannonball.
Well, I knew the risks.
You never really talk about your mom.
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
I lost her to the big C.
That's what we called the crocodile
that lived by my house.
I'm just playing. It was cancer.
Watch me do a handstand.
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.
He once told me the
closest he'd ever gotten
to having a piñata on his birthday
was when a seagull ate too many condoms
on the beach and exploded.
But despite it all,
he was the most optimistic
person I'd ever met.
Jason was the very first person
to ask me about my feelings.
I hadn't had any yet,
but it made me want to go get some.
I could see something special inside him
that no one else could see.
It was a multi-colored blob
of positivity right behind his sternum.
That's my Jason,
a big, colorful, rainbow blob
stuffed inside a hot,
life-size action figure.
Plus, I gotta say it was nice
to have a true dirtbag buddy
so I could talk about what
really mattered in life.
Wrestling, semi-legal
drugs, and Jason Statham.
Statham forever!
Indeed.
Statham forever.
Amen.
Amen.
Let's focus on the big picture here.
Free of Earth's complications
and its unintended consequences,
the other three improved a lot.
Chidi got 38% more confident.
Simone got 43% more flexible
in her judgments of people,
and John didn't call one
single person the C-word.
But he did yell the C-word at himself
as well as a pack of squirrels
and a chair he tripped over.
Why are we even still discussing this?
Brent got worse.
If humans can't be good with
their needs magically met,
maybe they're just not that good.
He's right; the evidence
needed to be overwhelming.
I can't just turn the whole
afterlife upside down
because three people
got a little bit better.
But don't forget. There's a
lot of evidence that Eleanor,
Jason and Tahani got better
in the original experiment,
so that's six people.
That's the number of
friends in "Friends."
Are you gonna sit there and
say that every single Friend
belongs in hell? I mean,
maybe Ross and Rachel,
and Monica and Joey,
and definitely Chandler...
but Phoebe?
Face it, Michael. You lost.
Everything you've done, this experiment,
the original Neighborhood,
sending your little cockroach
buddies back to Earth,
all of it was for nothing.
Bam. You're glue.
Actually, Shawn,
that's a very interesting point.
Exactly. What?
Matt, call up the active files
of four people still alive on Earth,
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
and her stepdaughter Patricia,
and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
They were not part of the experiment.
If he gets to bring in
random good people into it,
I should be able to bring
in random bad people.
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
No, Henry Kissinger. No...
PewDiePie.
Your honor, the people I want
to look at are not random.
They're four humans
the cockroaches helped on Earth.
No magic. Just... just kindness.
And I bet their emotional support
made those four people better.
And I'm wrong,
I'll be the first to say...
we're glue.
I don't think any of you
is using that right,
but, fine, let's see it.
Look. Right there.
After we intervened,
Pillboi dedicated himself
to caring for the elderly.
Kamilah started a scholarship
in Tahani's name
that sent 213 women to college.
Donna started doing homework
with Patricia every night,
and that little girl...
actually ended up teaching
Donna multiplication.
Yikes.
Look, the point is people improve
when they get external love and support.
How can we hold it against
them when they don't?
Need I remind you that Brent
got worse with every second
of every moment of every day.
Until right at the end.
With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
This is it, your honor.
This is the whole story.
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
Brent spent a year being
an absolute diaper load
of a human being, and the
points total tells you that.
But what that number can't tell you...
is who he could've become tomorrow.
I'll have my ruling shortly.
Okay, Janet, where do you
want to go for your funeral?
Dave and Buster's, probably?
You probably want to go
to Dave and Buster's.
I think I heard her say
Dave and Buster's,
so let's just go there.
We can sort it out later.
It's nice that you want
to honor me, but...
you've already given me so much.
Tahani taught me that
you can make a family,
even if you never really had one.
Jason taught me I have value
beyond what I do for other people.
And Eleanor...
there was a moment on Earth
when all hope was lost,
and I watched you have hope anyway.
Just thinking about that
makes me want to barf
up a beautiful quasar.
Well said, Janet.
That means it's your turn, Eleanor.
All right. Mine's easy.
We don't even have to move.
I stand here before you,
in sweatpants for the first time ever,
to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop
in a place where she
spent much of her life,
a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Eleanor was full of surprises.
I never knew if she was going
to ruthlessly make fun of me,
or totally objectify me in
a way that was flattering,
and also vaguely problematic.
- Well...
- But whether she was lifting me up
or calling me out...
I never felt quite so
seen as when she saw me.
Eleanor, I know you don't like it
when people get all emotional about you,
so I channeled all of my
love for you into this song.
[DISCORDANT VOCALIZING]
That's when the foam cannons go pshh!
Explode outward!
And then back to the song.
[VOCALIZING]
Okay, okay, we're good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay, who's left?
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Chidi Anagonye.
Eleanor, would you like
to say a few words?
Chidi was a...
rootin', tootin', rackin'
frackin' varmint.
Sorry, I don't know why I just went
full Yosemite Sam, there. Um...
yeah, I don't think I can...
do this. I... I can't just sum up
all of my feelings about Chidi,
so I'm gonna pass.
The Judge is about to make her ruling.
She wants us to be there to hear it.
Oh, we should probably change outfits.
Tahani's sweatpants say
"skank army" on the butt.
They do?
Michael...
you came to me and said the
points system was flawed,
a system that has been in
place since the dawn of time
and has judged every soul that
has ever walked the earth.
And I have come to the conclusion...
that you're right.
- I'm...
- You're right.
Humans are not fixed at
one level of morality.
They can always get better,
which means the points system
does not accurately judge
how good or bad they are.
You won.
[CHUCKLES]
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
Well...
that wasn't so hard now, what it?
- [CHEERS, LAUGHTER]
- We did it! We did it!
The universe owes you
a debt of gratitude
for bringing this to my attention.
Now, in terms of how we
handle this moving forward,
obviously, Earth is cancelled.
Buhh...
Earth is what, now?
All humans on Earth
and in the afterlife
will be extinguished,
and we will start the entire
human race over from scratch.
And you know what's so funny?
In a very roundabout way,
I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"
because I'm rebooting everything.
Anyway,
congrats, Michael. You won.
Whoa, whoa, your honor.
Let's just slow down here,
and say everything again maybe,
because I think some of us
were thinking about skateboards
and don't know what's going on.
Canceling Earth... but
doesn't seem a bit drastic?
It's just too much of a
mess down there, you know?
I mean, the simplest solution
is to erase everyone
that ever lived and restart
with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.
Then human life will evolve again,
or maybe even something better.
Maybe this time they won't
have baby teeth, you know?
That whole thing is so
weird, like they fall out
and then the bigger teeth just
grow out of that same hole.
Gross.
Anyway, the important thing is Earth...
[RASPBERRY]
How are you guys surprised?
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen if you won?
I don't know. I thought
we could just give, like,
give three points for eating
an apple instead of two.
Yes, why can't we just
tweak the points a little?
Just, you know, a little boost,
like Spanx, but for your soul.
- Yes.
- Guys,
the problem isn't the points.
It's that Earth has
become too complicated
for the points to reflect the
value of human behavior.
Remember? The whole
thing you discovered?
And now I have no choice but to fix it.
Where did I put that human
wiper outer thingy?
Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing
that ends all the wars,
"Justified" season two.
Wow, you won.
And you still somehow failed.
Classic.
[LAUGHS]
Wake Chidi up. Now.
We need all the help we can get.
You really want me to wake him up,
just to tell him that
he and everyone else
in the universe is going
to cease to exist?
Not when you say it like that.
- Well, what...
- [GASPS]
The Good Place nerds. Our only hope.
- Oh, wait, I, you know...
- Yo, yo, yo, angel types,
if you are ever gonna do something,
you gotta do it now.
Oh, you bet we're gonna do something.
This has gone too far.
I'm composing some very
sternly worded letters.
Are we sure stern is the right tone?
We don't want to seem strident.
It upsets the norms.
You're absolutely right.
I apologize... and resign,
effective immediately.
- [APPLAUSE]
- So bold. I am so proud of you.
Here it is. Great.
Michael, Shawn, Janet,
see you in maybe a billion years.
It has been one crazy ride, you guys.
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss every... ♪
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Okay.
Bye, y'all.
[CHIME]
Janet, what the hell? Give it back.
No, it's in my void,
and you can't have it.
I don't say "no" a lot.
Did I pronounce that right?
Janet, you give me back my thingy,
or I will go into your
void and get it myself.
I'd like to see you try.
Oh, okay. She's trying right now.
[GIGGLES] She's in my void.
It feels... it feels weird.
Yikes. Whoa. Okay.
Real cute, honey. Where is it?
What do you mean?
- It's not in my void?
- No.
It's in mine.
Ugh. I feel like such a
wiener hole saying this,
but Michael wrote a manifesto,
and I read it on the toilet.
I don't have to poop. I choose to.
Anyway, I'm with them now.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, get over yourself, you dork.
The whole system is royally effed.
Humans suck...
but this isn't their fault.
You read what I wrote
and it got through to you?
Yeah, but I also used the
pages to wipe my butt,
so don't pop a stiffy just yet.
Mm-kay?
- Ugh.
- I am so proud of you.
I don't care.
I think you do a little bit.
Whoo! Sister hug.
Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.
Hey, listen up.
I made an official ruling,
and I am not going to see it
undone by two Janets playing keep-away.
Oh, I should've explained.
It's not two of us.
It's all of us.
- Hi!
- What up, nerds?
- Hello.
- Eat my farts, losers.
I am here for a certain
reason and no other reasons.
- What up, fart-knockers?
- Hi!
- Hello.
- What it is? What it is?
What up, dorks?
Sent the manifesto around
to all the other Janets.
We have a group text now.
I mostly send gifs of otters.
This is so annoying!
Okay, Janets.
You want to do this the hard way?
I am gonna search your voids one by one.
And then marbleize you one by one
until I get my stupid Earth
rebooter thingy back.
We're not gonna be able
to hold her off forever.
We need a plan.
Okay, so what's the plan?
Plan, plan, plan.
Step one, get a plan.
Step two, do the plan.
Yeah, yeah. This is working.
- Michael, focus.
- Right, sorry. Uh...
all right, so if we can't
change the points,
then maybe we can change
what we do with the points.
Yeah, we just need a brand new system
for judging humans in the afterlife.
We can do this, right?
Yeah, but in order to crack it,
I think you know what needs to happen.
There is literally only one person here
who is smart enough
and thoughtful enough to save humanity.
Fine. I'll do it.
Not you, dummy.
Designing a better afterlife
is the ultimate ethical question.
Chidi spent his entire existence
pondering the biggest questions.
He is brilliant and empathetic.
All he cares about is how
best to treat other people,
and he is willing to sacrifice
his own happiness to do it.
If we're gonna pull this off,
we need Chidi back, and
he needs his memories.
You want to take the most
indecisive man ever born,
stuff him full of over 800
different versions of himself,
and then tell him he has, like,
45 minutes to save humanity?
You think that will go well?
I don't know how it's gonna go.
But he is our only chance,
and it is now or literally never.
Wake him up.
Not in this Janet. Next.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Well, that's just...
that's uncomfortable.
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
What's up?
Tell us what happened.
Did we win, did we lose?
Is humanity saved forever?
And did you find Nintendo?
I can't find it any... whoop.
Never mind. I'm holding it.
Sorry, I can't reveal the
results of the experiment
until we get to the Judge's chambers.
Okay, where is everyone?
Where's Simone and John and Brent
and actually I don't care
about any of those doofs.
- Where's Chidi?
- Oh, he's on the toilet.
Sorry, that's not enough information.
The text subjects are frozen in stasis,
so I put them in the bathroom,
and I placed Chidi on the toilet,
the best seat.
Let's wake him up.
You know, so I can, like,
be reunited with the man I love.
Snappy, snappy, memory fixy.
The Judge says no one gets unfrozen
until she's ruled on the case.
Oh, humans have to stay here.
- You can't see the numbers.
- Hang on.
I worked my ash off
running this neighborhood
for a full year,
and I'm not even allowed
to hear how we did?
Yes. And here's a bottle of tequila.
Okay, let us know how it goes.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
_
Regardless of what the Judge rules,
this feels like some sort of good-bye.
Even if we succeeded,
there's no guarantee
she'll keep us together.
She might just snap her fingers
and send us flying into
different dimensions.
How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?
Aw, man, are we gonna die again?
We've died so many times.
We've probably had, like,
15 funerals by now.
It's getting annoying.
If it would cheer you up,
I could tell you what happened
at your original funerals.
Tahani, Moby spoke first.
He claimed that...
Uh, please stop.
I don't want to hear it.
what about mine?
Your friends didn't say things about you
so much as they graffitied
a Red Lobster about you.
Yeah, in Jacksonville,
that's the first stage of grief.
In Arizona, you can either
have a regular funeral,
or they can put your body
out on a shooting range,
and you get a $200 state tax credit.
Hang on.
This is how we take our minds
off the Judge's ruling.
Let's throw ourselves the funeral
to end all funerals.
Awesome.
And you know what they say in Florida:
"If you don't like this
funeral, just wait a minute."
[WHOOSHING]
Ugh. The Judge's chambers.
I hate this place.
What's the wi-fi password?
There is no service.
Shawn.
Michael.
Bounces of me, and sticks to you.
Wait. No, I messed that up.
First, say something mean to me,
really cruel, something
that just guts me.
You're totally gonna be glue.
So it's come to this.
We have finally arrived at the end
of your pathetic attempt
to prove that humans
are more than just
mobile turd factories,
and you are going to fail again
because that is what you do.
You're a choker, Michael.
And you're about to choke
for the last time...
except for the eternity
you're going to spend
in the Bad Place being choked by me,
who will be doing the choking.
Well, you're glue.
- Wow.
- [GASPS]
- Look at this place.
- Beautiful.
The floor.
Hello, Good Place committee.
Thank you for coming.
No, thank you, Michael.
You did an incredible job,
maybe the best job that
anyone's ever done at any task.
But you don't know how we did.
We might not know how you did,
but we know you did great.
And Shawn, before we even
find out what happened,
we want you to know
we're willing to give up
all our leverage, compromise,
and meet you halfway.
I met your mom halfway last night.
- [LAUGHTER]
- So colorful!
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Tahani Al-Jamil,
in the place she felt most comfortable,
the cabin of a Gulfstream
G650 private jet.
Tahani was super nice,
and she deserved for people
to be nicer to her than they were.
The only sad thing is that
she never got over her
speech impediment.
Tahani improved so much
over her many lives,
but she also helped me improve.
She taught me lots of stuff,
like bras shouldn't be painful,
and you don't buy bras at Home Depot,
and they don't sell bras at Home Depot.
What the hell are you wearing?
For the record,
it was a men's back support harness,
and it worked in a pinch.
She was the best friend I ever had...
and I loved her.
Oh, thank you so much.
That was wonderful.
I wish Chidi was here.
It sucks that he's too dead
for these Heaven funerals.
Can someone grab his arm?
My hands are kind of full with his butt.
How'd he get so jacked?
When he was 14, someone told him that
exercise alleviated anxiety,
and he started doing pushups
and basically never stopped.
[ALL GRUNTING]
All right, everyone.
Let's get this done.
This is the single most important case
that has ever appeared in my court,
and the results will have
ramifications for eternity.
Before we begin,
I'm going to need you all to sign this.
A petition to bring back "Ally McBeal."
Well, yeah.
I mean, everything else
is getting rebooted.
Get a young hottie in there,
you know, like a Zendaya type.
Is it Zendaya or Zendaya?
Zendaya.
Or... I don't...
I mean, who wouldn't watch that?
Am I right? Anyone?
Fine.
[BANGING GAVEL]
Take it away, Matt.
Okay, the moment we've
all been waiting for.
The test results that dictate
the future of humanity.
Here we go. In 30, 29...
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Two, one.
Voilà.
[SLOT MACHINE SOUND EFFECTS]
I thought this would be fun.
Had a lot of time alone in there.
[BELL CHIMES]
Bam!
Simone got 12% better
than she was on Earth.
Bam! Chidi got 26% better.
Bam! John got 44% better.
[SAD HORN]
Shoot.
Shouldn't have committed
so hard to this "bam" thing.
Funeral!
Jason, at the risk of getting an answer
that might thoroughly depress me,
what made you choose this setting?
There's a Jacksonville tradition
of having your funeral
where you were born.
I got born in the deep end of a pool
right after my mom did a cannonball.
Well, I knew the risks.
You never really talk about your mom.
Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.
I lost her to the big C.
That's what we called the crocodile
that lived by my house.
I'm just playing. It was cancer.
Watch me do a handstand.
Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.
He once told me the
closest he'd ever gotten
to having a piñata on his birthday
was when a seagull ate too many condoms
on the beach and exploded.
But despite it all,
he was the most optimistic
person I'd ever met.
Jason was the very first person
to ask me about my feelings.
I hadn't had any yet,
but it made me want to go get some.
I could see something special inside him
that no one else could see.
It was a multi-colored blob
of positivity right behind his sternum.
That's my Jason,
a big, colorful, rainbow blob
stuffed inside a hot,
life-size action figure.
Plus, I gotta say it was nice
to have a true dirtbag buddy
so I could talk about what
really mattered in life.
Wrestling, semi-legal
drugs, and Jason Statham.
Statham forever!
Indeed.
Statham forever.
Amen.
Amen.
Let's focus on the big picture here.
Free of Earth's complications
and its unintended consequences,
the other three improved a lot.
Chidi got 38% more confident.
Simone got 43% more flexible
in her judgments of people,
and John didn't call one
single person the C-word.
But he did yell the C-word at himself
as well as a pack of squirrels
and a chair he tripped over.
Why are we even still discussing this?
Brent got worse.
If humans can't be good with
their needs magically met,
maybe they're just not that good.
He's right; the evidence
needed to be overwhelming.
I can't just turn the whole
afterlife upside down
because three people
got a little bit better.
But don't forget. There's a
lot of evidence that Eleanor,
Jason and Tahani got better
in the original experiment,
so that's six people.
That's the number of
friends in "Friends."
Are you gonna sit there and
say that every single Friend
belongs in hell? I mean,
maybe Ross and Rachel,
and Monica and Joey,
and definitely Chandler...
but Phoebe?
Face it, Michael. You lost.
Everything you've done, this experiment,
the original Neighborhood,
sending your little cockroach
buddies back to Earth,
all of it was for nothing.
Bam. You're glue.
Actually, Shawn,
that's a very interesting point.
Exactly. What?
Matt, call up the active files
of four people still alive on Earth,
Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop,
and her stepdaughter Patricia,
and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
They were not part of the experiment.
If he gets to bring in
random good people into it,
I should be able to bring
in random bad people.
Call up Elizabeth Holmes.
No, Henry Kissinger. No...
PewDiePie.
Your honor, the people I want
to look at are not random.
They're four humans
the cockroaches helped on Earth.
No magic. Just... just kindness.
And I bet their emotional support
made those four people better.
And I'm wrong,
I'll be the first to say...
we're glue.
I don't think any of you
is using that right,
but, fine, let's see it.
Look. Right there.
After we intervened,
Pillboi dedicated himself
to caring for the elderly.
Kamilah started a scholarship
in Tahani's name
that sent 213 women to college.
Donna started doing homework
with Patricia every night,
and that little girl...
actually ended up teaching
Donna multiplication.
Yikes.
Look, the point is people improve
when they get external love and support.
How can we hold it against
them when they don't?
Need I remind you that Brent
got worse with every second
of every moment of every day.
Until right at the end.
With 10 seconds left, he swung way up.
This is it, your honor.
This is the whole story.
No one is beyond rehabilitation.
Brent spent a year being
an absolute diaper load
of a human being, and the
points total tells you that.
But what that number can't tell you...
is who he could've become tomorrow.
I'll have my ruling shortly.
Okay, Janet, where do you
want to go for your funeral?
Dave and Buster's, probably?
You probably want to go
to Dave and Buster's.
I think I heard her say
Dave and Buster's,
so let's just go there.
We can sort it out later.
It's nice that you want
to honor me, but...
you've already given me so much.
Tahani taught me that
you can make a family,
even if you never really had one.
Jason taught me I have value
beyond what I do for other people.
And Eleanor...
there was a moment on Earth
when all hope was lost,
and I watched you have hope anyway.
Just thinking about that
makes me want to barf
up a beautiful quasar.
Well said, Janet.
That means it's your turn, Eleanor.
All right. Mine's easy.
We don't even have to move.
I stand here before you,
in sweatpants for the first time ever,
to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop
in a place where she
spent much of her life,
a bar in a house she was not invited to.
Eleanor was full of surprises.
I never knew if she was going
to ruthlessly make fun of me,
or totally objectify me in
a way that was flattering,
and also vaguely problematic.
- Well...
- But whether she was lifting me up
or calling me out...
I never felt quite so
seen as when she saw me.
Eleanor, I know you don't like it
when people get all emotional about you,
so I channeled all of my
love for you into this song.
[DISCORDANT VOCALIZING]
That's when the foam cannons go pshh!
Explode outward!
And then back to the song.
[VOCALIZING]
Okay, okay, we're good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay, who's left?
We are here to celebrate the afterlife
of Chidi Anagonye.
Eleanor, would you like
to say a few words?
Chidi was a...
rootin', tootin', rackin'
frackin' varmint.
Sorry, I don't know why I just went
full Yosemite Sam, there. Um...
yeah, I don't think I can...
do this. I... I can't just sum up
all of my feelings about Chidi,
so I'm gonna pass.
The Judge is about to make her ruling.
She wants us to be there to hear it.
Oh, we should probably change outfits.
Tahani's sweatpants say
"skank army" on the butt.
They do?
Michael...
you came to me and said the
points system was flawed,
a system that has been in
place since the dawn of time
and has judged every soul that
has ever walked the earth.
And I have come to the conclusion...
that you're right.
- I'm...
- You're right.
Humans are not fixed at
one level of morality.
They can always get better,
which means the points system
does not accurately judge
how good or bad they are.
You won.
[CHUCKLES]
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
Well...
that wasn't so hard now, what it?
- [CHEERS, LAUGHTER]
- We did it! We did it!
The universe owes you
a debt of gratitude
for bringing this to my attention.
Now, in terms of how we
handle this moving forward,
obviously, Earth is cancelled.
Buhh...
Earth is what, now?
All humans on Earth
and in the afterlife
will be extinguished,
and we will start the entire
human race over from scratch.
And you know what's so funny?
In a very roundabout way,
I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"
because I'm rebooting everything.
Anyway,
congrats, Michael. You won.
Whoa, whoa, your honor.
Let's just slow down here,
and say everything again maybe,
because I think some of us
were thinking about skateboards
and don't know what's going on.
Canceling Earth... but
doesn't seem a bit drastic?
It's just too much of a
mess down there, you know?
I mean, the simplest solution
is to erase everyone
that ever lived and restart
with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.
Then human life will evolve again,
or maybe even something better.
Maybe this time they won't
have baby teeth, you know?
That whole thing is so
weird, like they fall out
and then the bigger teeth just
grow out of that same hole.
Gross.
Anyway, the important thing is Earth...
[RASPBERRY]
How are you guys surprised?
I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen if you won?
I don't know. I thought
we could just give, like,
give three points for eating
an apple instead of two.
Yes, why can't we just
tweak the points a little?
Just, you know, a little boost,
like Spanx, but for your soul.
- Yes.
- Guys,
the problem isn't the points.
It's that Earth has
become too complicated
for the points to reflect the
value of human behavior.
Remember? The whole
thing you discovered?
And now I have no choice but to fix it.
Where did I put that human
wiper outer thingy?
Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing
that ends all the wars,
"Justified" season two.
Wow, you won.
And you still somehow failed.
Classic.
[LAUGHS]
Wake Chidi up. Now.
We need all the help we can get.
You really want me to wake him up,
just to tell him that
he and everyone else
in the universe is going
to cease to exist?
Not when you say it like that.
- Well, what...
- [GASPS]
The Good Place nerds. Our only hope.
- Oh, wait, I, you know...
- Yo, yo, yo, angel types,
if you are ever gonna do something,
you gotta do it now.
Oh, you bet we're gonna do something.
This has gone too far.
I'm composing some very
sternly worded letters.
Are we sure stern is the right tone?
We don't want to seem strident.
It upsets the norms.
You're absolutely right.
I apologize... and resign,
effective immediately.
- [APPLAUSE]
- So bold. I am so proud of you.
Here it is. Great.
Michael, Shawn, Janet,
see you in maybe a billion years.
It has been one crazy ride, you guys.
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss everybody ♪
♪ And I'm gonna miss every... ♪
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
♪ See you at the
crossroads, crossroads ♪
[SIGHS]
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Okay.
Bye, y'all.
[CHIME]
Janet, what the hell? Give it back.
No, it's in my void,
and you can't have it.
I don't say "no" a lot.
Did I pronounce that right?
Janet, you give me back my thingy,
or I will go into your
void and get it myself.
I'd like to see you try.
Oh, okay. She's trying right now.
[GIGGLES] She's in my void.
It feels... it feels weird.
Yikes. Whoa. Okay.
Real cute, honey. Where is it?
What do you mean?
- It's not in my void?
- No.
It's in mine.
Ugh. I feel like such a
wiener hole saying this,
but Michael wrote a manifesto,
and I read it on the toilet.
I don't have to poop. I choose to.
Anyway, I'm with them now.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, get over yourself, you dork.
The whole system is royally effed.
Humans suck...
but this isn't their fault.
You read what I wrote
and it got through to you?
Yeah, but I also used the
pages to wipe my butt,
so don't pop a stiffy just yet.
Mm-kay?
- Ugh.
- I am so proud of you.
I don't care.
I think you do a little bit.
Whoo! Sister hug.
Okay, get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew.
Hey, listen up.
I made an official ruling,
and I am not going to see it
undone by two Janets playing keep-away.
Oh, I should've explained.
It's not two of us.
It's all of us.
- Hi!
- What up, nerds?
- Hello.
- Eat my farts, losers.
I am here for a certain
reason and no other reasons.
- What up, fart-knockers?
- Hi!
- Hello.
- What it is? What it is?
What up, dorks?
Sent the manifesto around
to all the other Janets.
We have a group text now.
I mostly send gifs of otters.
This is so annoying!
Okay, Janets.
You want to do this the hard way?
I am gonna search your voids one by one.
And then marbleize you one by one
until I get my stupid Earth
rebooter thingy back.
We're not gonna be able
to hold her off forever.
We need a plan.
Okay, so what's the plan?
Plan, plan, plan.
Step one, get a plan.
Step two, do the plan.
Yeah, yeah. This is working.
- Michael, focus.
- Right, sorry. Uh...
all right, so if we can't
change the points,
then maybe we can change
what we do with the points.
Yeah, we just need a brand new system
for judging humans in the afterlife.
We can do this, right?
Yeah, but in order to crack it,
I think you know what needs to happen.
There is literally only one person here
who is smart enough
and thoughtful enough to save humanity.
Fine. I'll do it.
Not you, dummy.
Designing a better afterlife
is the ultimate ethical question.
Chidi spent his entire existence
pondering the biggest questions.
He is brilliant and empathetic.
All he cares about is how
best to treat other people,
and he is willing to sacrifice
his own happiness to do it.
If we're gonna pull this off,
we need Chidi back, and
he needs his memories.
You want to take the most
indecisive man ever born,
stuff him full of over 800
different versions of himself,
and then tell him he has, like,
45 minutes to save humanity?
You think that will go well?
I don't know how it's gonna go.
But he is our only chance,
and it is now or literally never.
Wake him up.
Not in this Janet. Next.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪ ♪