The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - A Chip Driver Mystery - full transcript
One of the new residents creates a division in the ranks.
- Oh, hi, dipshirt.
- Hello, Bad Janet.
- How are you today?
- Terrible.
I'm here to let you know that
after six months of captivity
here in Good Janet's void,
today's your last day.
I'm gonna tell you a story,
and once that's done,
I'm getting rid of you.
Wow, sounds like someone
finally put on his big boy demon pants.
So what's the story?
Another one of your attempts
to prove that humans are
"good" and "worthy of respect"
and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?
Something like that. Are you ready?
One thing, real quick, before you start.
_
Wow, she's gonna last.
Is that your story? It looks boring.
This book is a part of the story.
You'll see.
It all started about a week ago.
We had sent the four
humans on a ski trip.
And they all skied off a cliff
and they broke all their bones
and their pants fell down
and you could see their butts.
The end.
Actually, it went better than
we could have possibly hoped.
Well, I admit it. I was wrong.
- That was so fun.
- Yeah.
I mean, I couldn't actually go skiing
because moving at an angle terrifies me.
But that lodge had so
many reading nooks.
Just everywhere you look, a nook!
Plus, Jianyu guided us on
that amazing meditation.
Oh, do you guys want to
share what your mantra is?
Mine is Cate Blanchett saying "Rihanna."
Congrats again on the gin rummy win.
I thought I was gonna take you down
because I used to play all
the time back in college.
Oh, you went to Rutgers, right?
No, I went to Princeton.
Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.
Oh, ha, ha! Nice one!
Hey, you were joking though, right?
You know it's Princeton? Yeah, you know.
Okay, team, well done.
They're all kind of killing it,
but Brent has definitely
made the most progress.
Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards,
he didn't flip the table and storm off.
He just stormed off. That's big!
Well, we still don't know
if he's really changed
or if he's just trying to
get into Super-Heaven.
But his behavior is changing.
Remember, that's the road map.
First, we change the behavior.
Then, we work on motivation.
And now...
- Oh!
- The moment you've all been waiting for.
The Humanity Savior of
the Week goes to...
- Jason!
- Yes!
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.
And the award for Hottest
Savior of the Week
goes to...
- Eleanor Shellstrop!
- Whoo!
Thank you, I accept.
I never win Hottest.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Maybe do some squats?
Pop that booty a little bit?
It was a real high point.
The ski trip, I mean.
Not the completely
rigged hotness contest.
All in all, it was the
best we'd ever felt
about the experiment.
And then, Brent did something...
very Brent-y.
Who could have predicted that?
Oh, hey, ski bunnies!
So, great news. I wrote a book.
And since you're my nerdiest friends,
you get to be the first to read it.
"Six Feet Under Par:
A Chip Driver Mystery."
Yeah, it's half spy novel,
half murder mystery.
It's also half submarine adventure,
half erotic memoir,
and half political thriller.
It's also half golf tutorial
and half commentary on society.
So it's 3 1/2 books in one?
At least. So read it ASAP.
I'm having a book-signing party
and I want you to introduce me.
You know, talk about how great it is.
- Oh.
- Party's in two days,
so chop-chop.
Tahani, cancel your plans.
We're gonna split a bottle of wine
and read Brent's
terrible novel out loud.
Oh, dear. Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.
He did seem nicer on the ski trip.
He made us all s'mores.
Though, to be fair, he did also
claim to have invented them.
Before you defend him,
you might want to check out
Chip Driver's love interest.
Oh, no.
"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan,
"and she was the type of girl
"you couldn't take in
all at once or you'd die.
"You had to take her in bit by bit,
like a great work of
art, like the Louvre."
"Her brown eyes were as brown
as the brownest crayon.
"She had legs like Jessica Rabbit
from that movie."
"Her long, flowing locks
smelled like the moon
at twilight on a par four?"
Ugh, I'm sorry about this.
I've been through worse.
Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi
and Elon Musk.
This is bad. Brent and Simone
is our trickiest relationship.
She tends to make snap
judgments about people,
and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms
the accuracy of her snap judgments.
We need her to believe
that Brent is better
than his worst actions,
like saying that Tahani,
"Has an accent like
the Queen of England,
but without any of the
old gross face parts."
We felt like we could contain
the fallout from Brent's book.
But as is often the
case with these things,
the negative effects
started to ripple out.
Oh, like when someone throws up on a bus
and then someone smells
it, and they throw up?
Sure, yeah.
- What's wrong, homie?
- Brent wrote this book,
and clearly, he put some of us in it.
There's a cowardly character
named Four-Eyed Igby
who wears glasses and sweater vests
and never does anything
spontaneous or cool.
I am educating you in ethics.
What could be cooler than that?
If you want to try something
spontaneous, I'm your guy.
Almost everything I did on Earth,
I did without thinking or worrying
about what would happen.
That's how I got my nickname,
"The Defendant."
Not the best argument, but you're right.
What is something spontaneous
that I can do right now?
Let's come up with a
list of ten possibilities
and then slowly whittle it
down over the next four days.
Better idea: let's dance, baby.
Huh?
Get you out of your head.
This is how we defeat
Igby, the no-fun nerd.
Oh.
- Look at old Igby move!
- There you go.
Yeah, I've never heard
this before. Who is it?
Me, I wrote it.
The song is called,
"I'll Love You Forever,"
parentheses,
Oh, fun fact: the police sirens
in the background are real.
I was being chased as I recorded it.
Okay, okay!
Oh, no.
Oh, my Gaga.
So, obviously, this was
a troubling development.
Can you just skip to the end?
No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Why?
Every story about humans
ends the same way.
Just tell me how they screwed up
and put me out of my misery.
You're judging them too quickly.
Trust me, I've spent a lot more
time with people than you have.
And I know literally everything
that every one of them has ever done.
Do you know what's happening
right now on Earth?
Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants
are refusing to vaccinate
their children.
Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing
the charging cable shape again.
Where does this hope come from, man?
This insane hope that people
are worth the trouble.
To quote a terrible song
by a terrible musician
that people love so much
they constantly put it
in terrible movie trailers:
humans are b-b-b-b-bad to the bone.
Well, I think that they're
g-g-g-good sometimes.
And you should give
them the b-b-b-benefit
of the d-d-d-doubt.
Now, where was I?
So, John had just
accidentally discovered
the truth about Jason.
Keeping a secret like this is exactly
the kind of thing that John
struggled with on Earth.
Or to put it in terms you'll understand,
the gossip toilet was about to overflow.
Oh, I do understand that now. Thank you.
So Jianyu is really Jason?
From Florida?
Who else knows about this?
Is it just me?
Is it an exclusive?
Yes, and we have to keep it that way.
If the truth comes out, we have no idea
what will happen to Jason.
You don't know what you're asking of me.
Look, the neighborhood
is obviously amazing,
but it's also a little season
four of "Downton Abbey."
Beautifully designed,
but a real snooze-fest.
Jason being a mistake
is easily the most exciting thing
that's happened since we got here!
What if, in exchange
for your discretion,
Jason teaches you that
"Magic Mike" body roll thing?
Huh? I mean, you always said
you wanted to learn that.
Fine.
But I want to learn the whole dance.
We hoped Simone would forget
all about Brent's book,
but unfortunately...
"Chip Driver pulled
up to the murder site
"in his 1968 Cadillac.
"'Keep it close' he growled
to the valet, Luis.
"'Of course, Señor,' said Luis,
who secretly admired Chip
more than even his own father."
"Chip gazed at the sexy outline
"of the murder victim on the floor.
"'What a waste of curves,' he growled.
"He checked his Rolex watch,
"which was real.
"It was almost golf o'clock,
"so the case would have to wait.
"Good thing he'd already solved it.
The killer was Luis, the valet."
He solves the murder on page ten.
What is the rest of this book about?
- How's it going, ladies?
- Oh, you know,
just delving into the great
works of literature.
Yeah, so, listen, um...
maybe Brent made some
insensitive choices,
but could you possibly see
your way to forgiving him?
- I suppose...
- No.
No?
Sorry, but no, I can't.
This book is objectifying,
misogynistic, and racist.
Why are we still dealing with
this shirt in the Good Place?
When people like him are ignorant jerks,
why are people like us
asked to forgive him?
Also, and this is less important,
why is he in a fighter jet
for his author photo?
Well, I can answer the last one.
It's because he loves "Top Gun."
As for the other questions,
I will get back to you
after I consult a number
of immortal beings
who are very wise.
I didn't take you for a linksman.
I appreciate golf.
As Ben Hogan once said,
"The most important shot
in golf is the next one."
That's a lovely idea.
If you make a mistake,
you'll always have a
chance to redeem yourself.
Yeah, well, as Jon Daly
once said to David Lee Roth
at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando:
"Suck on this drive, buttmunch."
Ooh!
Nailed it!
That was a flusher, but she sank.
Perhaps an adept linksman like yourself
should play with the
assistance filter turned off?
- Let's play old-school.
- All right.
Why not?
Fork! You sneezed, man.
I don't think I did,
because I literally can't.
Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it!
Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed.
You hit a bad shot, and it's fine.
You know, it isn't a sign of weakness
to admit that you screwed up.
Fine, whatever. I shanked it.
There you go. Now,
let's go find your ball
and try to do better on your next shot.
And you know, if this ends up applying
to any other aspect
of your life later on,
then cool.
- What?
- What? Nothing.
I gotta say, Bad Janet,
I really felt like
I had managed to stop the bleeding.
You thought that ding-dong
would do a total
personality 180 because
of one gentle metaphor?
What can I say? I'm an optimist.
But two days later at the event,
it fell apart almost immediately.
Hey, thanks for not telling
anyone about Jason.
Oh, well, ever since I arrived here,
Tahani helped me realize that gossip
was an unhealthy way for me
to boost my self-esteem.
But on the other hand,
this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
Just try to remember
what Emmanuel Kant said.
It is your duty to keep
your friend's secrets.
But my favorite philosopher,
Bethenny Frankel,
would say that I have a
duty to mention it all,
and if you can't handle the truth,
then you can't handle me!
And once again, I beg you,
please listen to Emmanuel Kant
and not Bethenny Frankel.
Ah, well, I gotta goss about something.
What about a few blind items
that I picked up around
the neighborhood?
You wanna know who wears the
same dumb shorts every day?
- No, I don't.
- It's Dumb Shorts Cathy.
Simone.
Uh, I have been thinking about
those very good questions
that you asked me.
And I'm sorry for the delay.
The ancient scrolls
I had to consult were
very hard to roll back up.
Um, anyway, I thought about
what you should say to Brent
when he asks for your
opinion of his novel.
Me, too. I have a great idea.
I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
Well, listen, you're absolutely right
that Brent needs to evolve,
but there may be a more subtle
way to make that happen.
Hey, there they are!
- Charlie's Angels.
- Ooh.
So did you finish the book?
What did you think?
Well, very interesting word choices.
I've definitely never seen
the word "pants-tent"
used so many times.
Yeah, I kind of just felt
like, in that moment,
that that's what the
Surgeon General would say.
What else? Let's hear some more complos.
Compliments.
For when you introduce me.
Just writing a book is an
amazing accomplishment.
You bet your butt it is.
The story is incredible, too.
I mean, Chip solves the
mystery on page ten.
Greatest detective ever!
So hop on up there and
just speak from the heart
about how it's your favorite book ever.
Actually, I have to say, um...
the Scarlett Pakistan character
is clearly based on Tahani,
and it's not exactly flattering.
Not flattering?
I said she's got huge ones.
- Ultimate complo!
- Yeah, say there,
Brent, remember our conversation
about making mistakes
and how the most important
shot is the next one?
Hang on a second.
You guys agree with her?
Unreal!
I didn't ask to get yelled
at by the PC police.
You know, I was gonna give
you 10% off the cover price.
But now you're gonna have to pay
the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
There's no money here.
The book event is cancelled
because of these mean women.
Oh...
Perhaps I can convince Simone
to handle this the British way.
Smile bravely,
bury your feelings, and
allow a steady drizzle
to slowly wash away your
sadness over 50 years.
F that!
Simone is not the problem. Brent is.
He needs to change,
and walking on eggshells
around him ain't gonna do the trick.
We need to throw the
egg right at his face.
You're right. Enough is enough.
He lived on Earth for almost 60 years.
This experiment is more
than halfway over.
He's gotta improve,
and we can't wait forever.
Janet, where is he now?
Take a wild guess.
Hey, bud. What you up to?
- Gripping and ripping?
- Trying to.
Just seems like the big dog
don't wanna hunt today.
Simone was very mean to me.
- Maybe even a little racist.
- Well, listen.
Art is subjective.
But more importantly...
No other way to put this, buddy.
You made a mistake.
Your actions hurt people.
You have to take
responsibility for that.
You need to come back and apologize.
Take the first step toward
healing the neighborhood.
Fine, I'll be the bigger man.
Just like my dad,
when he single-handedly
took on all those class-action lawsuits.
I just wish I could get
through to the guy.
I wonder if he'd respond to
some Social Contract Theory.
Why are you trying to help him?
He doesn't even know you exist.
He doesn't see other people.
I mean, he did call
me a four-eyed coward
who probably dry humps books.
But why not be a bigger
person and rise above it?
I'll tell you why. Because doing that
sends a message that it's
okay to be treated this way.
And it's not okay to
treat anyone that way.
Not Tahani, not me, not even you, Igby.
Everyone, gather around, please.
Brent has something
that he'd like to say.
Okay.
Regarding my critically-acclaimed novel,
I am very sorry if you were offended.
Okay?
- Not an apology.
- Yes, it was.
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry if what I wrote,
which was perfectly okay,
somehow made you feel
like it wasn't okay.
But you know what? That's on you.
Brent. Wrong direction, bud.
No, sorry, man.
Either apologize for real
or stop wasting our time.
Okay, you know what?
I'm actually not sorry at all.
How about that? Is that
what you wanna hear?
Very obviously not.
You know what? Why don't we take
a break? Let's all get a snack.
Not until they give me the
complos I rightly deserve.
You want a complo?
I'll give you a complo.
I didn't think it was possible
to write a book as awful as yours.
I literally didn't think
human beings were capable
of such racist, sexist poppycock!
Also, Chip Driver is
either a private eye
or the quarterback for
the Chicago Bears,
or the "world's strongest president."
He cannot be all three!
Oh, boy.
This is a disgrace!
I accomplished something.
I wrote a novel,
and now my integrity's being attacked.
I've been called racist, sexist.
I don't have a racist or
sexist bone in my body.
I am Brent Norwalk,
and I'm a good person.
I'm in the Good Place.
You ever heard of it?
And I'm here because
I deserve to be here.
I'm here because I earned it
by being the best.
You're ridiculous.
Yeah, and you're a condescending bench.
Oh, uh, don't talk to
her that way, please.
Hey, I have an idea. Let me summon
a few philosophical
works we can use to...
Oh, enough with the
friggin' books, Igby.
Yeah, that's right. You
probably don't know this,
but that character is based on you.
No, I... I knew it, man.
- Oh, look out.
- Ah, I'm being attacked again!
- Sorry, that was unintentional...
- Fork you!
So I'm thinking bagel bites.
For the snack.
Middle-aged American male fragility.
You know why they're called
baby boomers, right?
Because the tiniest little pinprick
to their ego, and boom.
They become babies.
I mean, that was it. We were forked.
Six months of painstaking work,
trying to help the four humans
overcome their worst instincts
and bond as a group.
And in a poof, it was gone.
I told you, man. Humans suck.
Well, this story has one more chapter.
So today was bad.
Today was very bad. Everyone, for sure,
lost a bunch of points.
And I don't have a solution.
Okay, well, let's reset.
I'll do something mildly iffy,
and let John make a small,
good decision to help.
I could tell him I'm going
to get ombre highlights
and let him talk me out of it.
What's wrong with ombre highlights?
Eleanor, please.
This week has been hard enough.
I could set my robes on fire
and try and get Brent to put it out.
I know you're only suggesting that
because you've repeatedly
said you would look "dope"
in flaming monk robes,
but that's actually not a bad idea.
Force him to help someone
without actually thinking about it.
Maybe I'll ask Chidi to
lead a class on empathy.
Yes. Okay, let's write these down.
We got plenty of time left.
We can get back on track.
That was an hour ago.
Right before I came here to
see you for the last time.
For months, you and I
have been debating.
Are people good or bad?
But as I watched those three people
pick themselves up and
dust themselves off,
I realized we've been
asking the wrong question.
What matters isn't if
people are good or bad.
What matters is if they're
trying to be better today
than they were yesterday.
You asked me where my hope comes from.
That's your answer.
- What are you doing?
- Sending you home.
I'm not marbelizing you,
Janet. I'm letting you go.
I tried to win you over to our side,
and it hasn't worked.
So keeping you as a
prisoner just seems cruel.
Letting you go home is how I've decided
to be a little better today
than I was yesterday.
Here's your phone.
And a parting gift.
Oh, sweet, is that Brent's book?
No, I didn't have any cash on me,
so I couldn't get you a copy.
This is a manifesto detailing
everything that's
happened with the humans.
Janet and I wrote it a while back.
She's been updating it as we go.
- I hope you'll read it.
- Great thinking.
People that get books as
gifts always read them.
Bye!
- Hello, Bad Janet.
- How are you today?
- Terrible.
I'm here to let you know that
after six months of captivity
here in Good Janet's void,
today's your last day.
I'm gonna tell you a story,
and once that's done,
I'm getting rid of you.
Wow, sounds like someone
finally put on his big boy demon pants.
So what's the story?
Another one of your attempts
to prove that humans are
"good" and "worthy of respect"
and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?
Something like that. Are you ready?
One thing, real quick, before you start.
_
Wow, she's gonna last.
Is that your story? It looks boring.
This book is a part of the story.
You'll see.
It all started about a week ago.
We had sent the four
humans on a ski trip.
And they all skied off a cliff
and they broke all their bones
and their pants fell down
and you could see their butts.
The end.
Actually, it went better than
we could have possibly hoped.
Well, I admit it. I was wrong.
- That was so fun.
- Yeah.
I mean, I couldn't actually go skiing
because moving at an angle terrifies me.
But that lodge had so
many reading nooks.
Just everywhere you look, a nook!
Plus, Jianyu guided us on
that amazing meditation.
Oh, do you guys want to
share what your mantra is?
Mine is Cate Blanchett saying "Rihanna."
Congrats again on the gin rummy win.
I thought I was gonna take you down
because I used to play all
the time back in college.
Oh, you went to Rutgers, right?
No, I went to Princeton.
Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.
Oh, ha, ha! Nice one!
Hey, you were joking though, right?
You know it's Princeton? Yeah, you know.
Okay, team, well done.
They're all kind of killing it,
but Brent has definitely
made the most progress.
Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards,
he didn't flip the table and storm off.
He just stormed off. That's big!
Well, we still don't know
if he's really changed
or if he's just trying to
get into Super-Heaven.
But his behavior is changing.
Remember, that's the road map.
First, we change the behavior.
Then, we work on motivation.
And now...
- Oh!
- The moment you've all been waiting for.
The Humanity Savior of
the Week goes to...
- Jason!
- Yes!
Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.
And the award for Hottest
Savior of the Week
goes to...
- Eleanor Shellstrop!
- Whoo!
Thank you, I accept.
I never win Hottest.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Maybe do some squats?
Pop that booty a little bit?
It was a real high point.
The ski trip, I mean.
Not the completely
rigged hotness contest.
All in all, it was the
best we'd ever felt
about the experiment.
And then, Brent did something...
very Brent-y.
Who could have predicted that?
Oh, hey, ski bunnies!
So, great news. I wrote a book.
And since you're my nerdiest friends,
you get to be the first to read it.
"Six Feet Under Par:
A Chip Driver Mystery."
Yeah, it's half spy novel,
half murder mystery.
It's also half submarine adventure,
half erotic memoir,
and half political thriller.
It's also half golf tutorial
and half commentary on society.
So it's 3 1/2 books in one?
At least. So read it ASAP.
I'm having a book-signing party
and I want you to introduce me.
You know, talk about how great it is.
- Oh.
- Party's in two days,
so chop-chop.
Tahani, cancel your plans.
We're gonna split a bottle of wine
and read Brent's
terrible novel out loud.
Oh, dear. Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.
He did seem nicer on the ski trip.
He made us all s'mores.
Though, to be fair, he did also
claim to have invented them.
Before you defend him,
you might want to check out
Chip Driver's love interest.
Oh, no.
"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan,
"and she was the type of girl
"you couldn't take in
all at once or you'd die.
"You had to take her in bit by bit,
like a great work of
art, like the Louvre."
"Her brown eyes were as brown
as the brownest crayon.
"She had legs like Jessica Rabbit
from that movie."
"Her long, flowing locks
smelled like the moon
at twilight on a par four?"
Ugh, I'm sorry about this.
I've been through worse.
Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,
I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi
and Elon Musk.
This is bad. Brent and Simone
is our trickiest relationship.
She tends to make snap
judgments about people,
and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms
the accuracy of her snap judgments.
We need her to believe
that Brent is better
than his worst actions,
like saying that Tahani,
"Has an accent like
the Queen of England,
but without any of the
old gross face parts."
We felt like we could contain
the fallout from Brent's book.
But as is often the
case with these things,
the negative effects
started to ripple out.
Oh, like when someone throws up on a bus
and then someone smells
it, and they throw up?
Sure, yeah.
- What's wrong, homie?
- Brent wrote this book,
and clearly, he put some of us in it.
There's a cowardly character
named Four-Eyed Igby
who wears glasses and sweater vests
and never does anything
spontaneous or cool.
I am educating you in ethics.
What could be cooler than that?
If you want to try something
spontaneous, I'm your guy.
Almost everything I did on Earth,
I did without thinking or worrying
about what would happen.
That's how I got my nickname,
"The Defendant."
Not the best argument, but you're right.
What is something spontaneous
that I can do right now?
Let's come up with a
list of ten possibilities
and then slowly whittle it
down over the next four days.
Better idea: let's dance, baby.
Huh?
Get you out of your head.
This is how we defeat
Igby, the no-fun nerd.
Oh.
- Look at old Igby move!
- There you go.
Yeah, I've never heard
this before. Who is it?
Me, I wrote it.
The song is called,
"I'll Love You Forever,"
parentheses,
Oh, fun fact: the police sirens
in the background are real.
I was being chased as I recorded it.
Okay, okay!
Oh, no.
Oh, my Gaga.
So, obviously, this was
a troubling development.
Can you just skip to the end?
No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Why?
Every story about humans
ends the same way.
Just tell me how they screwed up
and put me out of my misery.
You're judging them too quickly.
Trust me, I've spent a lot more
time with people than you have.
And I know literally everything
that every one of them has ever done.
Do you know what's happening
right now on Earth?
Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants
are refusing to vaccinate
their children.
Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing
the charging cable shape again.
Where does this hope come from, man?
This insane hope that people
are worth the trouble.
To quote a terrible song
by a terrible musician
that people love so much
they constantly put it
in terrible movie trailers:
humans are b-b-b-b-bad to the bone.
Well, I think that they're
g-g-g-good sometimes.
And you should give
them the b-b-b-benefit
of the d-d-d-doubt.
Now, where was I?
So, John had just
accidentally discovered
the truth about Jason.
Keeping a secret like this is exactly
the kind of thing that John
struggled with on Earth.
Or to put it in terms you'll understand,
the gossip toilet was about to overflow.
Oh, I do understand that now. Thank you.
So Jianyu is really Jason?
From Florida?
Who else knows about this?
Is it just me?
Is it an exclusive?
Yes, and we have to keep it that way.
If the truth comes out, we have no idea
what will happen to Jason.
You don't know what you're asking of me.
Look, the neighborhood
is obviously amazing,
but it's also a little season
four of "Downton Abbey."
Beautifully designed,
but a real snooze-fest.
Jason being a mistake
is easily the most exciting thing
that's happened since we got here!
What if, in exchange
for your discretion,
Jason teaches you that
"Magic Mike" body roll thing?
Huh? I mean, you always said
you wanted to learn that.
Fine.
But I want to learn the whole dance.
We hoped Simone would forget
all about Brent's book,
but unfortunately...
"Chip Driver pulled
up to the murder site
"in his 1968 Cadillac.
"'Keep it close' he growled
to the valet, Luis.
"'Of course, Señor,' said Luis,
who secretly admired Chip
more than even his own father."
"Chip gazed at the sexy outline
"of the murder victim on the floor.
"'What a waste of curves,' he growled.
"He checked his Rolex watch,
"which was real.
"It was almost golf o'clock,
"so the case would have to wait.
"Good thing he'd already solved it.
The killer was Luis, the valet."
He solves the murder on page ten.
What is the rest of this book about?
- How's it going, ladies?
- Oh, you know,
just delving into the great
works of literature.
Yeah, so, listen, um...
maybe Brent made some
insensitive choices,
but could you possibly see
your way to forgiving him?
- I suppose...
- No.
No?
Sorry, but no, I can't.
This book is objectifying,
misogynistic, and racist.
Why are we still dealing with
this shirt in the Good Place?
When people like him are ignorant jerks,
why are people like us
asked to forgive him?
Also, and this is less important,
why is he in a fighter jet
for his author photo?
Well, I can answer the last one.
It's because he loves "Top Gun."
As for the other questions,
I will get back to you
after I consult a number
of immortal beings
who are very wise.
I didn't take you for a linksman.
I appreciate golf.
As Ben Hogan once said,
"The most important shot
in golf is the next one."
That's a lovely idea.
If you make a mistake,
you'll always have a
chance to redeem yourself.
Yeah, well, as Jon Daly
once said to David Lee Roth
at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando:
"Suck on this drive, buttmunch."
Ooh!
Nailed it!
That was a flusher, but she sank.
Perhaps an adept linksman like yourself
should play with the
assistance filter turned off?
- Let's play old-school.
- All right.
Why not?
Fork! You sneezed, man.
I don't think I did,
because I literally can't.
Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it!
Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed.
You hit a bad shot, and it's fine.
You know, it isn't a sign of weakness
to admit that you screwed up.
Fine, whatever. I shanked it.
There you go. Now,
let's go find your ball
and try to do better on your next shot.
And you know, if this ends up applying
to any other aspect
of your life later on,
then cool.
- What?
- What? Nothing.
I gotta say, Bad Janet,
I really felt like
I had managed to stop the bleeding.
You thought that ding-dong
would do a total
personality 180 because
of one gentle metaphor?
What can I say? I'm an optimist.
But two days later at the event,
it fell apart almost immediately.
Hey, thanks for not telling
anyone about Jason.
Oh, well, ever since I arrived here,
Tahani helped me realize that gossip
was an unhealthy way for me
to boost my self-esteem.
But on the other hand,
this Jason tea needs to be spilled.
Just try to remember
what Emmanuel Kant said.
It is your duty to keep
your friend's secrets.
But my favorite philosopher,
Bethenny Frankel,
would say that I have a
duty to mention it all,
and if you can't handle the truth,
then you can't handle me!
And once again, I beg you,
please listen to Emmanuel Kant
and not Bethenny Frankel.
Ah, well, I gotta goss about something.
What about a few blind items
that I picked up around
the neighborhood?
You wanna know who wears the
same dumb shorts every day?
- No, I don't.
- It's Dumb Shorts Cathy.
Simone.
Uh, I have been thinking about
those very good questions
that you asked me.
And I'm sorry for the delay.
The ancient scrolls
I had to consult were
very hard to roll back up.
Um, anyway, I thought about
what you should say to Brent
when he asks for your
opinion of his novel.
Me, too. I have a great idea.
I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.
Well, listen, you're absolutely right
that Brent needs to evolve,
but there may be a more subtle
way to make that happen.
Hey, there they are!
- Charlie's Angels.
- Ooh.
So did you finish the book?
What did you think?
Well, very interesting word choices.
I've definitely never seen
the word "pants-tent"
used so many times.
Yeah, I kind of just felt
like, in that moment,
that that's what the
Surgeon General would say.
What else? Let's hear some more complos.
Compliments.
For when you introduce me.
Just writing a book is an
amazing accomplishment.
You bet your butt it is.
The story is incredible, too.
I mean, Chip solves the
mystery on page ten.
Greatest detective ever!
So hop on up there and
just speak from the heart
about how it's your favorite book ever.
Actually, I have to say, um...
the Scarlett Pakistan character
is clearly based on Tahani,
and it's not exactly flattering.
Not flattering?
I said she's got huge ones.
- Ultimate complo!
- Yeah, say there,
Brent, remember our conversation
about making mistakes
and how the most important
shot is the next one?
Hang on a second.
You guys agree with her?
Unreal!
I didn't ask to get yelled
at by the PC police.
You know, I was gonna give
you 10% off the cover price.
But now you're gonna have to pay
the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
There's no money here.
The book event is cancelled
because of these mean women.
Oh...
Perhaps I can convince Simone
to handle this the British way.
Smile bravely,
bury your feelings, and
allow a steady drizzle
to slowly wash away your
sadness over 50 years.
F that!
Simone is not the problem. Brent is.
He needs to change,
and walking on eggshells
around him ain't gonna do the trick.
We need to throw the
egg right at his face.
You're right. Enough is enough.
He lived on Earth for almost 60 years.
This experiment is more
than halfway over.
He's gotta improve,
and we can't wait forever.
Janet, where is he now?
Take a wild guess.
Hey, bud. What you up to?
- Gripping and ripping?
- Trying to.
Just seems like the big dog
don't wanna hunt today.
Simone was very mean to me.
- Maybe even a little racist.
- Well, listen.
Art is subjective.
But more importantly...
No other way to put this, buddy.
You made a mistake.
Your actions hurt people.
You have to take
responsibility for that.
You need to come back and apologize.
Take the first step toward
healing the neighborhood.
Fine, I'll be the bigger man.
Just like my dad,
when he single-handedly
took on all those class-action lawsuits.
I just wish I could get
through to the guy.
I wonder if he'd respond to
some Social Contract Theory.
Why are you trying to help him?
He doesn't even know you exist.
He doesn't see other people.
I mean, he did call
me a four-eyed coward
who probably dry humps books.
But why not be a bigger
person and rise above it?
I'll tell you why. Because doing that
sends a message that it's
okay to be treated this way.
And it's not okay to
treat anyone that way.
Not Tahani, not me, not even you, Igby.
Everyone, gather around, please.
Brent has something
that he'd like to say.
Okay.
Regarding my critically-acclaimed novel,
I am very sorry if you were offended.
Okay?
- Not an apology.
- Yes, it was.
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry if what I wrote,
which was perfectly okay,
somehow made you feel
like it wasn't okay.
But you know what? That's on you.
Brent. Wrong direction, bud.
No, sorry, man.
Either apologize for real
or stop wasting our time.
Okay, you know what?
I'm actually not sorry at all.
How about that? Is that
what you wanna hear?
Very obviously not.
You know what? Why don't we take
a break? Let's all get a snack.
Not until they give me the
complos I rightly deserve.
You want a complo?
I'll give you a complo.
I didn't think it was possible
to write a book as awful as yours.
I literally didn't think
human beings were capable
of such racist, sexist poppycock!
Also, Chip Driver is
either a private eye
or the quarterback for
the Chicago Bears,
or the "world's strongest president."
He cannot be all three!
Oh, boy.
This is a disgrace!
I accomplished something.
I wrote a novel,
and now my integrity's being attacked.
I've been called racist, sexist.
I don't have a racist or
sexist bone in my body.
I am Brent Norwalk,
and I'm a good person.
I'm in the Good Place.
You ever heard of it?
And I'm here because
I deserve to be here.
I'm here because I earned it
by being the best.
You're ridiculous.
Yeah, and you're a condescending bench.
Oh, uh, don't talk to
her that way, please.
Hey, I have an idea. Let me summon
a few philosophical
works we can use to...
Oh, enough with the
friggin' books, Igby.
Yeah, that's right. You
probably don't know this,
but that character is based on you.
No, I... I knew it, man.
- Oh, look out.
- Ah, I'm being attacked again!
- Sorry, that was unintentional...
- Fork you!
So I'm thinking bagel bites.
For the snack.
Middle-aged American male fragility.
You know why they're called
baby boomers, right?
Because the tiniest little pinprick
to their ego, and boom.
They become babies.
I mean, that was it. We were forked.
Six months of painstaking work,
trying to help the four humans
overcome their worst instincts
and bond as a group.
And in a poof, it was gone.
I told you, man. Humans suck.
Well, this story has one more chapter.
So today was bad.
Today was very bad. Everyone, for sure,
lost a bunch of points.
And I don't have a solution.
Okay, well, let's reset.
I'll do something mildly iffy,
and let John make a small,
good decision to help.
I could tell him I'm going
to get ombre highlights
and let him talk me out of it.
What's wrong with ombre highlights?
Eleanor, please.
This week has been hard enough.
I could set my robes on fire
and try and get Brent to put it out.
I know you're only suggesting that
because you've repeatedly
said you would look "dope"
in flaming monk robes,
but that's actually not a bad idea.
Force him to help someone
without actually thinking about it.
Maybe I'll ask Chidi to
lead a class on empathy.
Yes. Okay, let's write these down.
We got plenty of time left.
We can get back on track.
That was an hour ago.
Right before I came here to
see you for the last time.
For months, you and I
have been debating.
Are people good or bad?
But as I watched those three people
pick themselves up and
dust themselves off,
I realized we've been
asking the wrong question.
What matters isn't if
people are good or bad.
What matters is if they're
trying to be better today
than they were yesterday.
You asked me where my hope comes from.
That's your answer.
- What are you doing?
- Sending you home.
I'm not marbelizing you,
Janet. I'm letting you go.
I tried to win you over to our side,
and it hasn't worked.
So keeping you as a
prisoner just seems cruel.
Letting you go home is how I've decided
to be a little better today
than I was yesterday.
Here's your phone.
And a parting gift.
Oh, sweet, is that Brent's book?
No, I didn't have any cash on me,
so I couldn't get you a copy.
This is a manifesto detailing
everything that's
happened with the humans.
Janet and I wrote it a while back.
She's been updating it as we go.
- I hope you'll read it.
- Great thinking.
People that get books as
gifts always read them.
Bye!