The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Employee of the Bearimy - full transcript
Michael and Jason hatch a plan. Eleanor learns firsthand the difficulties of running the neighborhood.
Oh, Janet, you disappoint me.
I expected more of a fight from you.
Yet here you are, all
alone in the Bad Place,
rendered powerless by
a measly magnet jail.
It's okay, I guess.
What is the issue now? Hmm?
That's not how Michael laughs.
It's more of a delighted giggle.
She's right.
You need to nail his
subtleties and mannerisms
for this to properly work as torture.
My problem with the role
is that I haven't fully figured
out Michael's motivation yet.
Like I'm inside Michael, but
I need to be inside Michael.
Hmm, you know, it actually
feels more like torture
when you discuss your "acting process."
You don't get it.
If you really want to know
Michael's motivation,
it's the same as the
rest of my friends...
loyalty, empathy, and love.
- Eww.
- And that's why they will prevail.
I hate to break it to you, hon.
They're not gonna prevail.
No one's coming to save you!
- Oof, getting colder.
- I know!
I could feel it. You know, it was wrong.
I'm just... I'm in my head now.
Hey, Mikey, I have a question
about our plan to save Janet.
Is there it yet?
I do have a plan, yes.
But to be honest, I have
no idea if it will work.
Maybe Glenn could help.
Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?
He doesn't know.
Listen, Jason, old friend,
I already gave Eleanor and Tahani
all their afterlife memories back.
I haven't restored yours
for obvious reasons.
But I think to maximize
our chances of survival,
it's time that you remember
everything we've been through.
Now prepare yourself.
This might be intense.
Oh, dip!
Do you remember everything?
Yes, last time I was in the Bad Place,
I threw a Molotov cocktail.
That was sick.
I was afraid that you'd
watch 300 years of memories
and that would be your takeaway.
Buddy, I did that to help
you know what not to do.
Impulse control is critical.
Fight the urge to blow stuff up,
even if you feel like we're in a jam.
Got it?
I mean, that's very lame,
but yeah. I understand.
Wait, can I have all my
memories back again?
I forgot most of them.
_
_
Welcome, everyone.
Janet will be unavailable for a bit.
She's undergoing some
routine system maintenance.
Oh, I know what that means.
Eye lift. Maybe an ear tuck.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm? Mm.
When we don't have Janet,
we like to refresh your
memories of your old lives
when you did things for yourselves.
We call it Earth Day.
And yes, we know that's
a thing on Earth,
but what are they gonna do?
Sue us?
So get ready for some
fun, lo-fi activities.
This group over here is gonna knit.
You folks are gonna do
your favorite activity...
gardening.
Oh, man, we better get
something better than that.
And you five are going to a
gorgeous remote lake house.
Swimming, water skiing, the works.
Suck it, gardeners!
Why do I feel like that's
not the first time
he's screamed those words?
Ugh. Get me down from
here, you tiny butthole.
Ow!
Thank you for keeping me safe
from my sexy bad girl sister-aunt.
- Eww.
- I know that I've caused you
a lot of trouble in the past...
classic Derek...
but from now on, I'm here to help.
I'd feel a lot more confident
if you weren't holding
a champagne glass full
of Scrabble letters,
but you're all we got.
You can keep the
neighborhood running, right?
Well, I wasn't technically
designed for this,
but to be fair,
I wasn't designed for anything.
Okay, we're gonna get
the humans far away
from the center of town to
help lighten your load.
- That would be really great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right, babe,
it's go time. You ready?
Absolutely.
I feel very confident
with you in charge.
In the words of my godfather,
acting in what can only
be described in hindsight
as his most problematic role,
"You da man now, dog!"
As always, thank you for finding
the quickest possible way to say things.
Now head off to the lake house,
and do your fabulous
Tahani hostess thing.
Actually, uh, now that you bring it up,
Michael and Jason are rescuing Janet,
and you're running things here.
Even Derek has an important job.
I'd like to be more useful.
What is it that you Americans say?
Uh, insert me, coachman!
Put me in, coach.
Babe, we need these humans
to stay happy and occupied,
all right? So just pump
'em full of champagne
and those tiny little sandwiches,
and keep 'em dazzled.
Of course, though I'd never serve
finger sandwiches at a lake house.
I mean, what am I? Welsh?
Are you? I don't know.
No, right?
Okay, we have to move quietly.
We can't be seen by anyone
until we get to Shawn.
It's the only way to rescue Janet.
Uh, Michael? I'm scared.
Me too, bud.
I mean, what if all this time apart
has changed me and Janet's relationship?
What if that special connection is gone?
Yeah.
I mean, for me, it's scary
that we're standing
in the birth place of evil
surrounded by billions of demons
who want to destroy us.
Hmm, I guess we both have
things we're scared about.
Hello, all!
I took the liberty of preparing
a few simple snacks.
Whew, this place is nice!
Did anyone else see that
movie "The Lake House"
with Keanu and Sandy B?
Oh, I love a movie with gentle magic.
Give me a time-traveling mailbox
or a mother-daughter body switch,
or like, uh, Sarah
Michelle Gellar as a chef
and her food tastes amazing
because she cries in it?
I should've been a screenwriter.
Yeah, this'll do. I guess.
I got dibs on the master bedroom.
Um, Simone, where's Chidi?
He decided to just
stay at home and read.
He said swimming in lakes scares him.
To be fair, most things scare him.
Well, never fear,
you all stay and enjoy
the full-sized sandwiches.
I shall go and fetch Chidi.
Tahani is on the job.
Perv 'stache, four-eyes, bee monster.
Whoa, is that you?
- _
- Technically, yes.
That's a version of me
I no longer recognize.
Behind that handsome smile
was so much cruelty,
so much pain inflicted on so many
with such a glee.
Shameful.
What echoes of this former
self await me here?
I feel you.
It was always for me hard to
go back to my old high school.
So many memories.
Also the junkyard machine
crushed it into tiny cubes.
If we get out of here alive,
remind me to re-erase your teen years.
Come on, guys. Hurry back.
Oh, hey, Wanda.
- Everything okay?
- Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.
Come again?
Whoa.
Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.
- Derek!
- Oh, hey!
So, uh, things are not going well.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, there!
You said you could handle this!
Yeah, well, it turns out
being a single father
to 300 kids is not that easy, Eleanor.
Okay, well, the four humans
are still at the lake house.
So we can figure this out.
- Oh.
- What are you doing here?
I came to get Chidi.
He decided to stay home.
Chidi's up there? Right now?
Oh, Chidi. There you are.
I'm sorry. I should've told you.
I decided to just stay home and read.
Swimming in lakes scares me,
and so does waterskiing.
We know all that, Chidi.
We never expected you to meet
the group at the lake house.
We had a special solo
activity planned for you.
- Really? What is it?
- Mm-hmm.
We have hidden several clues
in this apartment to a puzzle.
Ooh! I love puzzles!
They're so much fun, but
they're also like homework.
- Win-win.
- Well, this one's a doozy
because when you solve it,
you get the answer to the
truth about the universe.
Spoiler alert, I guess.
Hey, Tahani, you've been so helpful,
but everyone's back at the lake
house with no party hostess,
which is obviously less than ideal.
So go on. Get!
- Of course.
- Yep.
- Good luck, Chidi.
- Okay.
So what's my first clue?
You've already gotten it.
Ooh!
All right, idiots, this is our 52
of the 4,000-hour presentation
on the future of torture.
He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?
- Shh.
- Here's what I think.
- We should throw a Molotov...
- Jason!
What? I didn't say cocktail.
I could've meant Molotov anything.
- You don't know.
- Just trust me. I have a plan.
Humans are worse than ever.
We have to innovate.
Sure, poking sticks work great,
but should those sticks
be sharper or hotter?
Should they, counterintuitively,
be less hot?
Let's begin with slide
number one of 7,000.
_
Nice speech. Not!
What's up, dingus?
Oh, no. Oh, that's not good.
Oh, what are you guys... oh, no!
Don't do that! That's not Derek!
Derek.
I'm going back to the
lake house to entertain
because apparently
that's all I'm good for.
- Okay.
- Gonna need some party supplies...
cocktail napkins with a
cute lake-related slogan.
Maybe they can say,
"Better lake than never."
I'm sorry.
I just got nothing left in the tank.
Derek, when you get rebooted,
you become more advanced, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, perhaps then
you'd be more capable of
controlling the neighborhood.
- Hey, yeah, yeah!
- You said you wanted
to make this up to us.
Well, now is your chance.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Derek!
What are you doing here,
Vicky? You're early,
and do you ever take that suit off?
- It smells terrible.
- It does?
No need to be alarmed.
I know this might look like Michael,
the traitorous slampig.
However, this is actually
our very own Vicky
wearing the latest in demon technology.
A custom-made lookalike skin suit.
Spin around for us, would you, hon?
As you are all aware,
our current system suffers
from diminishing returns.
Sure, the first time someone
gets butthole spiders,
he's miserable, but soon
the humans get used to it.
And worse, the spiders get bored.
- Yeah.
- These personalized skin suits
represent the dawn of a
new era: Torture 2.0.
Oh.
And speaking of which,
I figured DemonCon would be the
best place to surprise you
with my greatest invention.
Come on out, Jason!
I had the boys down in
R&D make a Jason suit.
I thought it'd be fun new
way to torture Janet.
Come on. Come on. Here you go.
I didn't okay this.
I know, but hey, I'm Vicky.
I'm a total munch.
That you are. Good point.
Hmm.
Not bad.
They went a little overboard
on the cheekbones, but still.
Wait,
- who's in there?
- Glenn.
Makes sense. Get an
idiot to play an idiot.
I was beginning to wonder
where you were, Glenn.
I'm right here in Jason.
Definitely not a big bucket of goo.
Okay. Say, boss, what do you say
we put these innovative
suits of yours to work?
We'll go torture Good Janet,
and, uh, let you know how it goes.
- Which way is it again?
- Wait.
I have a better idea.
I say we torture Good Janet
right here, right now
live on stage.
Rufus, go get the Good Janet.
This part of your plan seems risky.
This was not part of my plan.
Oh, thank God. I thought
you had a bad plan.
Okay, it's easy.
Just hit the button.
You've seen Mindy do it a million times.
Yeah. Here we go.
No, no, no!
Don't kill me, me. Don't do it!
Huh.
Now why is that so hard?
I kinda... you know what?
I see what I gotta do.
Just kind of look at this...
Derek!
Excellent.
Dude, what were you thinking?
I just wanted to be useful.
All I ever get to do
here is throw parties,
which is all I ever got
to do back on Earth.
Now I've ruined everything.
No.
- You gave us a way out.
- So I fixed everything.
No, you've made things
difficult in a new way,
but I can make it work.
Well, the important thing
is, I did something.
Be quiet and follow my lead.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Chidi?
Come on out, bud.
Okay! Am I close?
No, there's like 4,000 clues in here.
You found five. I'm just
gonna skip to the end.
This puzzle was going to take you
on adventures all over the neighborhood.
Horseback riding, hot air ballooning,
and I asked Tahani to be involved
because she did all
those things on Earth.
You've been in paradise for a month,
and you're still so reluctant
to try new activities.
Yeah, I know. I'm just not a
"new experience" kind of guy.
I mean, my comfort zone is
basically, like, that chair,
and honestly, the arms
are a little sharp.
I want you to believe
that you're safe here,
that you can trust me.
Do you trust me, Chidi?
Yes. I really do.
Then come with me.
These personalized skin suits
are a true game changer.
Imagine being able to torment
a human not as yourself,
but as their wife or ex-wife,
or just some mouthy broad.
They are so convincing, they
even work on a Good Janet!
Oh. Hey!
Great, more Vicky.
Hey, your Michael impression stinks
almost as much as your suit. Pfft.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Welcome, Janet. We have a
special guest for you today.
Hi, Janet, it's me. Jason.
Your boyfriend. I really miss you.
I know we were in a fight before,
but I hope you've forgiven
me because I love you, girl.
Not a girl.
- Well, Janet...
- Yeah?
How does that make you feel?
Terrible!
Adequate work, Glenn.
Rufus, take the Janet back to her cell.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, no, please.
Uh, let us take Janet back ourselves.
I wanna get a little extra
torture time in on the way there.
I don't see why not.
Hello, dummies! It's me, Michael!
I'm just kidding.
It's me, Vicky, in a Michael suit.
What's going on here?
I was never told that
I had an understudy.
There you go, buddy. You're doing great.
Where are we going?
Um, somewhere fun. Just follow my voice.
Oh.
This is, uh, kind of fun.
I'm very scared, but also I like it?
- Hi, there.
- Hi, whoever you are.
Uh, don't mind us. We're
just doing a trust thing.
Hi, there.
What was that sound?
- Uh, a unicorn died.
- What?
No, I mean, not a unicorn.
Uh, my mistake.
Just a... a regular horse that
someone stabbed in the head.
What?
What in the name of Kevin
Spacey's self-made
Christmas Eve video message
to try to get back
on "House of Cards" is going on here?
- Michael.
- Who are you?
Who am I?
You had this the whole time?
Yeah, I wanted to explode
a bunch of demons,
but you told me I should wait.
- So I did.
- Vicky!
Why did you build a second Michael suit?
He didn't! No, I mean, I didn't.
Um, oh, look.
It can't be.
Yes, it's true.
It's me. The real Michael.
We know all about your plot
to sabotage our experiment.
We know you brought Chris
in to pretend to be Linda
to distract us while you
planted a Bad Janet
to pretend to be a Good Janet.
No, stop clapping! This is real!
- Someone capture them.
- Rufus, I'm warning you.
I know we go way back.
We used to be roommates.
But if you take another step,
I will use this Demon Exploder on you.
A Demon Exploder? Come on, man.
At least try to make
that sound convincing.
Wow.
Touché.
I used to be just like all of you.
I sat right where you're sitting
at more than 10,000 DemonCons,
and I believed that we committed torture
as a part of the moral
balance of the universe,
but I've learned that's wrong.
Humans are capable of self-improvement,
and so are we.
And down deep, Shawn
knows this is true too.
I beg you.
Open your eyes to the truth.
Bravo, Michael. What a monologue.
Not!
I'm not scared of you
because I've gone there, Michael.
I've become you.
You may act like you've changed,
but deep down, you're still a demon.
Vile, ugly,
capable of so much darkness.
And now you're home.
Oh, come on!
Let's go. Come on.
- Let's go!
- No, you morons!
Stop applauding them!
They're getting away!
I swear, the production
value at DemonCon
gets better every year.
Man, look at this house,
and that beautiful lake.
I can't believe I
almost missed all this.
Is this the answer to the
truth about the universe?
- Well...
- Uh, part of it.
Ooh!
The puzzle continues!
Hey, you decided to come after all.
I did.
Thanks to Eleanor and Tahani.
Aw, you two are the best.
That was insane, but we
got through it together.
No, we didn't.
You got through it.
I almost ruined it a hundred times.
From now on, I'm just gonna
stick to throwing parties
'cause it's the only thing I'm good at.
- Hey!
- What?
When I said throw a party,
I didn't mean a pity party.
This isn't a pity party.
I'm genuinely sad.
The only thing I can do is
throw pointless parties.
You run the entire neighborhood.
You're so capable.
I have seen you get stuck in
any manner of crazy situation,
and you always figure a way out.
Yeah, man, because I have had to scrape
and claw my way through life,
and you grew up in a castle
full of diamond lamps and
golden pillow cases.
You never learned how
to think on your feet.
Look, if the roles were reversed
and I had to throw a fancy
party to save all of humanity,
I promise we'd be screwed
because I wouldn't know what salad fork
to put next to the... whatever spoon.
The Whatever Spoon is really only used
for certain festive jellies.
See?
Babe, the dodos in that house
are literally the four most
important human beings
in the universe.
I wanted you to take care of
them because I trust you.
Plus, your parties aren't pointless.
They're opportunities for them
to bond and form friendships.
You know, the thing we need them to do
so we're not all tortured forever?
You're right, and thank you.
But if we ever get through this,
I want to learn how to
do something meaningful.
A real skill.
Something helpful and fulfilling.
Okay, man, if we survive this,
I promise I will support you
while you learn to weld or whatever.
Deal?
Deal.
That ought to stop them
from following us.
So smart.
Nice to have you back, Janet.
It must've been hard for
you to go back there.
It was.
I don't like thinking
about who I used to be.
Listen, Michael, it's okay
to feel or plead guilty
about bad things you used to do,
but you don't have to feel
shame about who you were
because you are not a demon anymore.
You're just like a nice
weird happy old dude.
Ah.
Thanks for rescuing me.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
Bad Janet was so mean to me.
She told me so many lies.
Like she said the Jags
cut Blake Bortles.
Can you believe that?
Oh, no. Jason, that wasn't a lie.
Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.
What? How? Why?
Who's their QB now?
- A man named Nick Foles.
- Nick Foles?
Are you kidding me?
He won a Super Bowl!
We're gonna be unstoppable!
Foles!
- Foles!
- Foles!
Oh, no. Nick Foles
just broke his clavicle.
Nooo!
I expected more of a fight from you.
Yet here you are, all
alone in the Bad Place,
rendered powerless by
a measly magnet jail.
It's okay, I guess.
What is the issue now? Hmm?
That's not how Michael laughs.
It's more of a delighted giggle.
She's right.
You need to nail his
subtleties and mannerisms
for this to properly work as torture.
My problem with the role
is that I haven't fully figured
out Michael's motivation yet.
Like I'm inside Michael, but
I need to be inside Michael.
Hmm, you know, it actually
feels more like torture
when you discuss your "acting process."
You don't get it.
If you really want to know
Michael's motivation,
it's the same as the
rest of my friends...
loyalty, empathy, and love.
- Eww.
- And that's why they will prevail.
I hate to break it to you, hon.
They're not gonna prevail.
No one's coming to save you!
- Oof, getting colder.
- I know!
I could feel it. You know, it was wrong.
I'm just... I'm in my head now.
Hey, Mikey, I have a question
about our plan to save Janet.
Is there it yet?
I do have a plan, yes.
But to be honest, I have
no idea if it will work.
Maybe Glenn could help.
Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?
He doesn't know.
Listen, Jason, old friend,
I already gave Eleanor and Tahani
all their afterlife memories back.
I haven't restored yours
for obvious reasons.
But I think to maximize
our chances of survival,
it's time that you remember
everything we've been through.
Now prepare yourself.
This might be intense.
Oh, dip!
Do you remember everything?
Yes, last time I was in the Bad Place,
I threw a Molotov cocktail.
That was sick.
I was afraid that you'd
watch 300 years of memories
and that would be your takeaway.
Buddy, I did that to help
you know what not to do.
Impulse control is critical.
Fight the urge to blow stuff up,
even if you feel like we're in a jam.
Got it?
I mean, that's very lame,
but yeah. I understand.
Wait, can I have all my
memories back again?
I forgot most of them.
_
_
Welcome, everyone.
Janet will be unavailable for a bit.
She's undergoing some
routine system maintenance.
Oh, I know what that means.
Eye lift. Maybe an ear tuck.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm? Mm.
When we don't have Janet,
we like to refresh your
memories of your old lives
when you did things for yourselves.
We call it Earth Day.
And yes, we know that's
a thing on Earth,
but what are they gonna do?
Sue us?
So get ready for some
fun, lo-fi activities.
This group over here is gonna knit.
You folks are gonna do
your favorite activity...
gardening.
Oh, man, we better get
something better than that.
And you five are going to a
gorgeous remote lake house.
Swimming, water skiing, the works.
Suck it, gardeners!
Why do I feel like that's
not the first time
he's screamed those words?
Ugh. Get me down from
here, you tiny butthole.
Ow!
Thank you for keeping me safe
from my sexy bad girl sister-aunt.
- Eww.
- I know that I've caused you
a lot of trouble in the past...
classic Derek...
but from now on, I'm here to help.
I'd feel a lot more confident
if you weren't holding
a champagne glass full
of Scrabble letters,
but you're all we got.
You can keep the
neighborhood running, right?
Well, I wasn't technically
designed for this,
but to be fair,
I wasn't designed for anything.
Okay, we're gonna get
the humans far away
from the center of town to
help lighten your load.
- That would be really great.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right, babe,
it's go time. You ready?
Absolutely.
I feel very confident
with you in charge.
In the words of my godfather,
acting in what can only
be described in hindsight
as his most problematic role,
"You da man now, dog!"
As always, thank you for finding
the quickest possible way to say things.
Now head off to the lake house,
and do your fabulous
Tahani hostess thing.
Actually, uh, now that you bring it up,
Michael and Jason are rescuing Janet,
and you're running things here.
Even Derek has an important job.
I'd like to be more useful.
What is it that you Americans say?
Uh, insert me, coachman!
Put me in, coach.
Babe, we need these humans
to stay happy and occupied,
all right? So just pump
'em full of champagne
and those tiny little sandwiches,
and keep 'em dazzled.
Of course, though I'd never serve
finger sandwiches at a lake house.
I mean, what am I? Welsh?
Are you? I don't know.
No, right?
Okay, we have to move quietly.
We can't be seen by anyone
until we get to Shawn.
It's the only way to rescue Janet.
Uh, Michael? I'm scared.
Me too, bud.
I mean, what if all this time apart
has changed me and Janet's relationship?
What if that special connection is gone?
Yeah.
I mean, for me, it's scary
that we're standing
in the birth place of evil
surrounded by billions of demons
who want to destroy us.
Hmm, I guess we both have
things we're scared about.
Hello, all!
I took the liberty of preparing
a few simple snacks.
Whew, this place is nice!
Did anyone else see that
movie "The Lake House"
with Keanu and Sandy B?
Oh, I love a movie with gentle magic.
Give me a time-traveling mailbox
or a mother-daughter body switch,
or like, uh, Sarah
Michelle Gellar as a chef
and her food tastes amazing
because she cries in it?
I should've been a screenwriter.
Yeah, this'll do. I guess.
I got dibs on the master bedroom.
Um, Simone, where's Chidi?
He decided to just
stay at home and read.
He said swimming in lakes scares him.
To be fair, most things scare him.
Well, never fear,
you all stay and enjoy
the full-sized sandwiches.
I shall go and fetch Chidi.
Tahani is on the job.
Perv 'stache, four-eyes, bee monster.
Whoa, is that you?
- _
- Technically, yes.
That's a version of me
I no longer recognize.
Behind that handsome smile
was so much cruelty,
so much pain inflicted on so many
with such a glee.
Shameful.
What echoes of this former
self await me here?
I feel you.
It was always for me hard to
go back to my old high school.
So many memories.
Also the junkyard machine
crushed it into tiny cubes.
If we get out of here alive,
remind me to re-erase your teen years.
Come on, guys. Hurry back.
Oh, hey, Wanda.
- Everything okay?
- Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.
Come again?
Whoa.
Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.
- Derek!
- Oh, hey!
So, uh, things are not going well.
- Hi, there.
- Hi, there!
You said you could handle this!
Yeah, well, it turns out
being a single father
to 300 kids is not that easy, Eleanor.
Okay, well, the four humans
are still at the lake house.
So we can figure this out.
- Oh.
- What are you doing here?
I came to get Chidi.
He decided to stay home.
Chidi's up there? Right now?
Oh, Chidi. There you are.
I'm sorry. I should've told you.
I decided to just stay home and read.
Swimming in lakes scares me,
and so does waterskiing.
We know all that, Chidi.
We never expected you to meet
the group at the lake house.
We had a special solo
activity planned for you.
- Really? What is it?
- Mm-hmm.
We have hidden several clues
in this apartment to a puzzle.
Ooh! I love puzzles!
They're so much fun, but
they're also like homework.
- Win-win.
- Well, this one's a doozy
because when you solve it,
you get the answer to the
truth about the universe.
Spoiler alert, I guess.
Hey, Tahani, you've been so helpful,
but everyone's back at the lake
house with no party hostess,
which is obviously less than ideal.
So go on. Get!
- Of course.
- Yep.
- Good luck, Chidi.
- Okay.
So what's my first clue?
You've already gotten it.
Ooh!
All right, idiots, this is our 52
of the 4,000-hour presentation
on the future of torture.
He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?
- Shh.
- Here's what I think.
- We should throw a Molotov...
- Jason!
What? I didn't say cocktail.
I could've meant Molotov anything.
- You don't know.
- Just trust me. I have a plan.
Humans are worse than ever.
We have to innovate.
Sure, poking sticks work great,
but should those sticks
be sharper or hotter?
Should they, counterintuitively,
be less hot?
Let's begin with slide
number one of 7,000.
_
Nice speech. Not!
What's up, dingus?
Oh, no. Oh, that's not good.
Oh, what are you guys... oh, no!
Don't do that! That's not Derek!
Derek.
I'm going back to the
lake house to entertain
because apparently
that's all I'm good for.
- Okay.
- Gonna need some party supplies...
cocktail napkins with a
cute lake-related slogan.
Maybe they can say,
"Better lake than never."
I'm sorry.
I just got nothing left in the tank.
Derek, when you get rebooted,
you become more advanced, right?
- Yeah.
- Well, perhaps then
you'd be more capable of
controlling the neighborhood.
- Hey, yeah, yeah!
- You said you wanted
to make this up to us.
Well, now is your chance.
- Yes!
- Yes!
Derek!
What are you doing here,
Vicky? You're early,
and do you ever take that suit off?
- It smells terrible.
- It does?
No need to be alarmed.
I know this might look like Michael,
the traitorous slampig.
However, this is actually
our very own Vicky
wearing the latest in demon technology.
A custom-made lookalike skin suit.
Spin around for us, would you, hon?
As you are all aware,
our current system suffers
from diminishing returns.
Sure, the first time someone
gets butthole spiders,
he's miserable, but soon
the humans get used to it.
And worse, the spiders get bored.
- Yeah.
- These personalized skin suits
represent the dawn of a
new era: Torture 2.0.
Oh.
And speaking of which,
I figured DemonCon would be the
best place to surprise you
with my greatest invention.
Come on out, Jason!
I had the boys down in
R&D make a Jason suit.
I thought it'd be fun new
way to torture Janet.
Come on. Come on. Here you go.
I didn't okay this.
I know, but hey, I'm Vicky.
I'm a total munch.
That you are. Good point.
Hmm.
Not bad.
They went a little overboard
on the cheekbones, but still.
Wait,
- who's in there?
- Glenn.
Makes sense. Get an
idiot to play an idiot.
I was beginning to wonder
where you were, Glenn.
I'm right here in Jason.
Definitely not a big bucket of goo.
Okay. Say, boss, what do you say
we put these innovative
suits of yours to work?
We'll go torture Good Janet,
and, uh, let you know how it goes.
- Which way is it again?
- Wait.
I have a better idea.
I say we torture Good Janet
right here, right now
live on stage.
Rufus, go get the Good Janet.
This part of your plan seems risky.
This was not part of my plan.
Oh, thank God. I thought
you had a bad plan.
Okay, it's easy.
Just hit the button.
You've seen Mindy do it a million times.
Yeah. Here we go.
No, no, no!
Don't kill me, me. Don't do it!
Huh.
Now why is that so hard?
I kinda... you know what?
I see what I gotta do.
Just kind of look at this...
Derek!
Excellent.
Dude, what were you thinking?
I just wanted to be useful.
All I ever get to do
here is throw parties,
which is all I ever got
to do back on Earth.
Now I've ruined everything.
No.
- You gave us a way out.
- So I fixed everything.
No, you've made things
difficult in a new way,
but I can make it work.
Well, the important thing
is, I did something.
Be quiet and follow my lead.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Chidi?
Come on out, bud.
Okay! Am I close?
No, there's like 4,000 clues in here.
You found five. I'm just
gonna skip to the end.
This puzzle was going to take you
on adventures all over the neighborhood.
Horseback riding, hot air ballooning,
and I asked Tahani to be involved
because she did all
those things on Earth.
You've been in paradise for a month,
and you're still so reluctant
to try new activities.
Yeah, I know. I'm just not a
"new experience" kind of guy.
I mean, my comfort zone is
basically, like, that chair,
and honestly, the arms
are a little sharp.
I want you to believe
that you're safe here,
that you can trust me.
Do you trust me, Chidi?
Yes. I really do.
Then come with me.
These personalized skin suits
are a true game changer.
Imagine being able to torment
a human not as yourself,
but as their wife or ex-wife,
or just some mouthy broad.
They are so convincing, they
even work on a Good Janet!
Oh. Hey!
Great, more Vicky.
Hey, your Michael impression stinks
almost as much as your suit. Pfft.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Welcome, Janet. We have a
special guest for you today.
Hi, Janet, it's me. Jason.
Your boyfriend. I really miss you.
I know we were in a fight before,
but I hope you've forgiven
me because I love you, girl.
Not a girl.
- Well, Janet...
- Yeah?
How does that make you feel?
Terrible!
Adequate work, Glenn.
Rufus, take the Janet back to her cell.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, no, please.
Uh, let us take Janet back ourselves.
I wanna get a little extra
torture time in on the way there.
I don't see why not.
Hello, dummies! It's me, Michael!
I'm just kidding.
It's me, Vicky, in a Michael suit.
What's going on here?
I was never told that
I had an understudy.
There you go, buddy. You're doing great.
Where are we going?
Um, somewhere fun. Just follow my voice.
Oh.
This is, uh, kind of fun.
I'm very scared, but also I like it?
- Hi, there.
- Hi, whoever you are.
Uh, don't mind us. We're
just doing a trust thing.
Hi, there.
What was that sound?
- Uh, a unicorn died.
- What?
No, I mean, not a unicorn.
Uh, my mistake.
Just a... a regular horse that
someone stabbed in the head.
What?
What in the name of Kevin
Spacey's self-made
Christmas Eve video message
to try to get back
on "House of Cards" is going on here?
- Michael.
- Who are you?
Who am I?
You had this the whole time?
Yeah, I wanted to explode
a bunch of demons,
but you told me I should wait.
- So I did.
- Vicky!
Why did you build a second Michael suit?
He didn't! No, I mean, I didn't.
Um, oh, look.
It can't be.
Yes, it's true.
It's me. The real Michael.
We know all about your plot
to sabotage our experiment.
We know you brought Chris
in to pretend to be Linda
to distract us while you
planted a Bad Janet
to pretend to be a Good Janet.
No, stop clapping! This is real!
- Someone capture them.
- Rufus, I'm warning you.
I know we go way back.
We used to be roommates.
But if you take another step,
I will use this Demon Exploder on you.
A Demon Exploder? Come on, man.
At least try to make
that sound convincing.
Wow.
Touché.
I used to be just like all of you.
I sat right where you're sitting
at more than 10,000 DemonCons,
and I believed that we committed torture
as a part of the moral
balance of the universe,
but I've learned that's wrong.
Humans are capable of self-improvement,
and so are we.
And down deep, Shawn
knows this is true too.
I beg you.
Open your eyes to the truth.
Bravo, Michael. What a monologue.
Not!
I'm not scared of you
because I've gone there, Michael.
I've become you.
You may act like you've changed,
but deep down, you're still a demon.
Vile, ugly,
capable of so much darkness.
And now you're home.
Oh, come on!
Let's go. Come on.
- Let's go!
- No, you morons!
Stop applauding them!
They're getting away!
I swear, the production
value at DemonCon
gets better every year.
Man, look at this house,
and that beautiful lake.
I can't believe I
almost missed all this.
Is this the answer to the
truth about the universe?
- Well...
- Uh, part of it.
Ooh!
The puzzle continues!
Hey, you decided to come after all.
I did.
Thanks to Eleanor and Tahani.
Aw, you two are the best.
That was insane, but we
got through it together.
No, we didn't.
You got through it.
I almost ruined it a hundred times.
From now on, I'm just gonna
stick to throwing parties
'cause it's the only thing I'm good at.
- Hey!
- What?
When I said throw a party,
I didn't mean a pity party.
This isn't a pity party.
I'm genuinely sad.
The only thing I can do is
throw pointless parties.
You run the entire neighborhood.
You're so capable.
I have seen you get stuck in
any manner of crazy situation,
and you always figure a way out.
Yeah, man, because I have had to scrape
and claw my way through life,
and you grew up in a castle
full of diamond lamps and
golden pillow cases.
You never learned how
to think on your feet.
Look, if the roles were reversed
and I had to throw a fancy
party to save all of humanity,
I promise we'd be screwed
because I wouldn't know what salad fork
to put next to the... whatever spoon.
The Whatever Spoon is really only used
for certain festive jellies.
See?
Babe, the dodos in that house
are literally the four most
important human beings
in the universe.
I wanted you to take care of
them because I trust you.
Plus, your parties aren't pointless.
They're opportunities for them
to bond and form friendships.
You know, the thing we need them to do
so we're not all tortured forever?
You're right, and thank you.
But if we ever get through this,
I want to learn how to
do something meaningful.
A real skill.
Something helpful and fulfilling.
Okay, man, if we survive this,
I promise I will support you
while you learn to weld or whatever.
Deal?
Deal.
That ought to stop them
from following us.
So smart.
Nice to have you back, Janet.
It must've been hard for
you to go back there.
It was.
I don't like thinking
about who I used to be.
Listen, Michael, it's okay
to feel or plead guilty
about bad things you used to do,
but you don't have to feel
shame about who you were
because you are not a demon anymore.
You're just like a nice
weird happy old dude.
Ah.
Thanks for rescuing me.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
Bad Janet was so mean to me.
She told me so many lies.
Like she said the Jags
cut Blake Bortles.
Can you believe that?
Oh, no. Jason, that wasn't a lie.
Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.
What? How? Why?
Who's their QB now?
- A man named Nick Foles.
- Nick Foles?
Are you kidding me?
He won a Super Bowl!
We're gonna be unstoppable!
Foles!
- Foles!
- Foles!
Oh, no. Nick Foles
just broke his clavicle.
Nooo!