The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy - full transcript

- 30 seconds left.
- Come on.

Oh, oh, it's a butterfly!

Oh, it's Mariah Carey's lower
back butterfly tattoo.

Yes!

Well done, John.

And because you guessed correctly,

watch what happens.

Oh.

Oh!

I should've gotten that sooner.

I wrote my college thesis
on that back tattoo.



Yes, because remember,
every picture from tonight

will have something to do
with your lives on Earth,

so you can get to know each
other a little bit better.

Okay, Blue Team, you're up.

Go get 'em, chippy.

Chidi, it's your turn.

Oh. I'm a pretty decent artist,

but I'm not so great under pressure.

Your time begins now.

Ooh, boy. Okay.

- You got this, Chidi.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to
figure out how to start.

Come on. Just start drawing, my brotha.

Oh, no.



No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No.

- 30 seconds!
- Ah! Okay, here we go.

Uh... oh.

Uh, it's a submarine.

Looks like broccoli with teeth.

Oh, oh, it's a horse
with a bow on its neck.

Oh, is it my childhood pony, Daisy?

Yes!

Oh, no.

No!

What have I done?

You made a freakin' Frankenstein, man.

Okay, okay, okay. You know what?

Magic Pictionary is over now,

so let's all go home and get some sleep.

You guys want me to kill it?
I've shot a lot of race horses.

Okay.

_

Fork me. That was a disaster.

How did that go so wrong?

Well, for one thing,
Brent got super wasted.

We should've cut him off.

Nobody gets cut off in the Good Place.

If he asks for beer, I give him a beer.

I'm just glad he stopped asking me

to go to dinner so we
could discuss my career.

Man, we haven't done a
successful activity

in, like, three weeks. We're ice cold.

Guys, give yourself a break.
They're getting better.

Brent stopped saying
"daddy like" all the time.

That's something.

Something feels off.

All right, we need new ideas.

I say we hole up here for an all-night

- brainstorming session.
- Now just hang on.

We're working really hard,

and we need to relax occasionally,

or we're gonna just burn out.

So let's just, you know,

clear our brain, watch
a movie, or... oh!

We'll have a slumber party.

_

What the fork?

Whoever you are, show yourself.

Oh. Hold on.

The hood is caught in my glasses.

Hi.

I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, what do you want, creep?

No one knows I'm here,

and I have some important information.

Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.

Whatever you need to say to me,

you can say right here.

I don't think I should.

It would lead to a very
uncomfortable social situation.

Say it.

That's not Michael.

That's Vicky the Demon
in a Michael suit.

And she's sabotaging your experiment.

You see? It's uncomfortable.

All right, just sit there quietly

until we sort all this out.

If it's not too much trouble,

could I get a hot glass of pig urine?

We need to talk.

Or... I'm not picky.

Whatever urine you have is fine.

Eleanor, you have to believe me.

I'm Michael. He's lying.

Calm down, dude.

I trust you.

But I'm gonna make Glenn
think I don't trust you.

Somehow this has to be related

to the problems we've been having here.

And we need to figure out
what game they're playing.

Ooh, that's good.

I like the way you think, Shellstrop.

I mean,

I hate the way you think, Shellstrop!

Is he buying it?

He's not looking.

I'll tell you whatever you want to know,

but shouldn't we call The Judge?

We're not calling anyone

until we figure some things out.

- We have questions.
- Yeah, for example,

if you're a devil, how come
you're not wearing Prada?

Caramel!

Why would you help us?

One day, you're flattening penises,

and the next, you just decide to defect?

Actually, one of my jobs was
to reinflate the penises

so they could get flattened again.

It doesn't matter.

Listen, I loved torturing humans

because I thought they deserved it.

They said everyone in the Bad Place

was evil and beyond repair.

I don't know if I believe that anymore.

Also, Shawn is so mean, you guys.

He yells at me all the time.

It's, like, unnecessary.

I feel you, dog. I was
yelled at my whole life.

People were always like,

"You didn't pay for that!"
"How do you plead?"

"He's flatlining!" "Clear!"

Okay, well, if that's Vicky,

what's the Bad Place's plan?

To sow chaos... turn you
guys against each other,

ruin the experiment.

Also, I have proof that's not Michael.

Here are pictures of Vicky
wearing the Michael suit.

This doesn't prove anything.

These could just be pictures

- of the real Michael.
- They're real.

I know because I helped make the suit.

I couldn't figure out how to make it

contain your demon essence,

so you'll have to wear
it over the Vicky suit.

Ugh, really? You're the worst, Glenn.

Let's do it. Zip her up.

Okay, but if I melt,

I am gonna be, like, so annoyed.

Huh. Pretty well-made.

I can really feel all the
musty skin folds, and...

and the dangly bits.

The voice is perfect.

You sound so much like
him, I want to punch you.

Are we sure it's okay that we made this?

I mean, what are you gonna use it for?

What are you gonna
use it... shut up, Glenn.

The experiment is about to begin.

Let's call the real Michael
and send him spiraling

down the toilet bowl like
the pinched turd he is.

Well, now, we know you're lying

because Michael would've
definitely told us

if the Bad Place had
called him and showed him

some freakin' Michael suit.

Absolutely. Of course I would've.

I mean, Janet would have phone records.

You could just ask her to pull them up.

Okay, fine. I lied.

- They called me.
- What?

I lied about that. And I'm sorry.

You knew about this?

Yes, yes, but there's...
there's a good explanation.

Yeah, the explanation is that's Vicky,

and she's lying to you about everything.

Call The Judge and we'll
settle this once and for all.

Or is that exactly what
you wanted us to do?

That is what I want you to do.

Exactly.

Eleanor, perhaps we
should call The Judge.

Glenn was telling the truth.

No, The Judge said if
anything else went wrong,

she would reset the whole experiment.

We are not calling her unless
we have no other choice,

and I am locking you two
jamokes in separate rooms

until we get to the bottom of this.

Ugh!

I'm very upset about this development.

I'm serious, man. This is happening.

Oh.

I'm very upset about this development.

All right, buttheads, what do we do?

I say we trust Michael. He's our friend.

Wait, might be our friend,

or he might be a lying trickster

who just looks like our friend...

the classic Mary-Kate Olsen.

I have to say,

we've had a lot of misfires recently,

and Michael has been
acting suspiciously.

Like tonight, when I wanted to work,

and he just wanted to have
a slumber party instead?

To be fair to Mike,
slumber parties rule.

And why would we trust Glenn?

- He's a demon.
- So is Michael.

- Demons can be good.
- Right.

Okay. So it's decided.

We trust both of them.

Okay.

Predictably, this was unhelpful.

Get in there.

What is all this stuff?

Are these weapons?

Ooh, don't touch those.

Those are my special magnet handcuffs.

They make me feel silly when Mindy and I

are playing Upstairs-downstairs Derek.

Oh, they're sex toys.

Ugh, they're sex toys.

Dude, get out of here.
We have enough problems.

My good man, allow me
to bury the hatchet.

Being rebooted again has evolved me

past any feelings of jealousy.

Oh, I know that sound.

Looks like someone found my sex diaper.

I'll leave you guys alone
to live that dipe life.

- Ugh.
- Eugh!

Okay, explain yourself...

if yourself even is yourself.

I am Michael.

Shawn did call me, and
I saw the Michael suit.

He said if the experiment failed,

he was gonna use it to make you
think I was torturing you.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because he said he would
just erase your memories

of me telling you, so it
wouldn't matter anyway.

He thought that I would
crumble under the pressure.

But a month ago, you told
me you only pretended

to freak out in order to get me
to step up and become a leader.

Yes, that also was a lie,

but it was an inspirational one.

Like, "So great running into you.

We should get coffee some time,"

or all of Instagram.

So to recap, you found out the Bad Place

made a Michael suit, freaked out,

didn't tell us why, and then later,

you lied to me about
why you freaked out?

And then you lied again
just a few minutes ago

when you said that you never
got a call from Shawn.

Yes, but that lie was only to
cover my two earlier lies.

I mean, that's gotta be okay, right?

What?

Eleanor, don't you see
what they're doing?

Shawn sent Glenn to undermine
our trust in each other

so you'll call The Judge and
restart the experiment.

Well, I have no reason
not to believe you,

other than the three
very recent examples

we just laid out.

Huddle. Now.

Oh, hey, sorry.

I just needed to grab this.
You know, it's chime time.

There's gotta be a way to figure out

if that's the real Michael.

Is there a way you can make some sort of

demon lie detector?

Oof. I don't know.

The Janet babies are still draining me,

and I just had to put down
Daisy the horse blob,

which was exhausting...
emotionally and physically.

She fought back.
I won't get into details.

I had to twist her head off. Sorry.

No more details.

She did thrash. She thrashed.

- Sorry.
- Okay,

why don't we just get him
drunk so he starts blabbing?

I mean, what goes best with pig urine?

- Coconut rum.
- That won't work on a demon.

I'll try and make a lie detector.

Oh, no. Damn it.

What's going on in there?

I touched the dang diaper.

Get back in that room.

So Michael saw the suit. Big deal.

I still think you're forking with us.

I think this is just like when
the Bad Place sent us Linda,

who turned out to be some
super-jacked punching guy,

and just like him, you got busted.

That's the thing. The
puncher didn't get busted.

It worked exactly as planned.

The whole thing was a diversion

to get real Michael out,

and sneak the imposter in on a train.

It must've happened during the handoff.

While Janet was handcuffing Chris,

a bunch of demons must've
grabbed Michael,

yanked him away, and then Vicky,

in the Michael suit, walked back out.

You never would've known the difference.

Also, when Chris got back,

I saw Shawn and him celebrating.

Why would they be happy

if he wasn't supposed to get caught?

Man, I love a good sabotage.

Or is that exactly what
you want us to think?

Motherforker.

I knew there was something
weird about that puncher.

I said that to Michael...

and he dismissed it.

Yeah. See what I mean?

Don't go anywhere. Come on.

If Michael is just Vicky
in a Michael suit,

let's just take the suit off.

Yeah. Maybe we could
sneak up behind him,

and try and pants him from forehead.

That won't work.

A demon can take his own skin suit off,

but no one else can.

It's like a very complicated bra.

Well, so be it.

Take off your skin suit.

- I can't.
- Sure, you can.

You're either a demon
wearing a Michael suit,

or you're a demon wearing a Vicky suit

who's wearing a Michael suit over that.

Just take off your Michael suit,

and show us what you're working with.

I'm sorry. I won't.

- That's very suspicious.
- I know, but I'm not Vicky.

I just don't want to show
you what's underneath here.

I've seen a lot of weird
hogs in my life, dude.

- Get over yourself.
- That's not it.

I'm a fire squid.

Dope.

No.

Not dope.

I'm a 6,000-foot tall fire squid.

I have tentacles.

There's teeth everywhere.

I'm on fire, and my neck is long.

And there's a smell,

and lots of juice.

There's so much juice, El.

I think I speak for
everyone here when I say

I really have to see this.

So you're not gonna take
off your demon Spanx

because you're shy?

Well, that's convenient.

Eleanor, if I take off this suit,

I will crash through the roof

and the entire Neighborhood will see me

and the experiment will be blown.

But it's more than that.

You guys will never look
at me the same way again.

I won't just be Michael.

I'll be...

some disgusting mass
of burning tentacles.

Do you really want to be friends
with something like that?

Yes. I keep saying.

Eleanor.

Now I don't know if this will
work, but theoretically,

if you point it at a
demon and he's lying,

it'll turn red.

If he's telling the
truth, it'll turn green.

Okay. Glenn.

This is a lie detector.

Let us show you how it works.

What's your name?

Well, everyone calls me Glenn,

but the name on my demon
certificate is actually

Snakes Pour Forth From His Anu...

Glenn blew up. Glenn blew up.

Or is that exactly what
he wants us to think?

So does blowing up mean

he was telling the truth or lying?

Neither. That was not
supposed to happen.

I've never killed anybody before.

No, don't worry. Demons can't die.

He'll slowly reform himself
over a few months,

passing through all the
stages of demon growth...

larva, slug monster, spooky little girl,

teenage boy, giant ball of tongues,

social media CEO, and
then finally demon, so...

Look at the bright side.
This worked out perfectly.

I mean, not for Glenn, obviously,

but for us.

Lying demon's gone.

We're still here. All good.

No.

We're not all good, man.

You're either Michael and you lied,

or you're Vicky in a Michael suit.

Okay, I'm gonna go for a walk.

Nobody go anywhere.

- Chidi?
- Hey.

Hey, I didn't think
anyone would still be up.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm just

practicing drawing viable horses...

ones that aren't crimes,

you know, against nature.

Okay, I know this mood of yours

from reading your file and whatnot.

Why don't you take a break,
and we'll get some food in you?

Well, I'm done.

I scooped it all up into one
steaming pile of Glenn.

Maybe I can put him back together.

I'm hella good at puzzles.

I finished this word search
in, like, 30 seconds.

Jason, I feel terrible.

I know he was a demon and
he may have lied to us,

but he didn't deserve that.

You were only trying to help us.

Look, I know this is a weird time,

but if you ever want to talk,

just know that I'm here for you, girl.

Thanks, Jason.

That means a lot.

Mmm. I gotta say.

Out of all the human stuff
I've been able to experience

in this neighborhood,
nachos... number one.

- Easy.
- Really?

Yeah.

I mean, salty, crunchy,

cheesy, little bit of a kick?

Name one better thing
humans have created.

The Sistine Chapel?

Pfft. Paint on a ceiling.

I mean, it's fine, but can
you eat it at the movies?

Touché.

Listen, don't stay up all
night drawing horses.

It's really fine.

I know. I just...

feel like I made the world
a little bit worse,

and I won't be okay until
I make it better again.

Making yourself miserable

to ease the suffering of others...

about the most Chidi thing you can do.

I'll see you later.

Do you want to take the
rest of the those nachos?

Yeah, I do. Thank you.

Okay, here's where I'm at.

I just don't know if I
can ever trust you.

I'm gonna call The Judge.
We'll start over.

We won't have Chidi in the mix,

but he'll be on our side again,
which is almost as good.

But we know the humans now.

Starting over sounds exhausting.

I know, but if that's not Michael,

he could sabotage us in ways
we can't even perceive,

and even if it is,
I can't fully trust him,

so every time something goes wrong,

a little part of me is gonna wonder.

We have to start over.

I have a better idea.

I'm gonna blow myself up.

- What?
- I'll blow myself up.

That way, you can
continue the experiment

with Chidi as one of the people,

which is our best chance
to ever be successful.

Why not just lock you in a room

or in Janet's void or something?

But then you might
worry that I'd escape.

I blow myself up, I'm out
of your hair for good.

Well, parts of me will
be in your actual hair,

- but you get it.
- Michael, wait.

Tahani, this is the only way.

There's literally noting I can say

that will make you realize
that I'm really me.

Oh, boy. This is gonna suck.

Hopefully, I will see you all
in a few months. Good luck.

Oh, and make sure that you, uh,

get all of me into the container,

or I might come back way shorter.

And that would bum me out.

I wish I were saying this in
different circumstances but...

Take it sleazy.

Michael, wait!

Oh, crud nuts.

Jason, how did you know
that was bad Janet?

Michael said there's
nothing he could say

that would make you
realize he's really him,

but Janet does have a thing she can say

that does make me realize
she is really not her.

What?

I called Janet "girl,"

but she didn't say, "Not a girl."

The real Janet always says,

"Not a girl."

Oh, wow.

That realization is the
only thing that stopped me

from becoming a pile of goo.

Oh.

Wait, how did you pull it off?

You were outside on the platform
with me the whole time.

We brought two bad Janets on the train,

you dumb, dumb idiot.

The other one distracted
you on the platform

while good Janet brought
Chris onto the train.

I snuck out, marbelized Janet,

and then I took over, baby.

Stupid Michael never knew.

I had you fartknockers fooled for weeks,

until Glenn the traitor
ruined everything.

That guy sucks, right?

Shut up, Glenn.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Bad Janets can't
impersonate Good Janets.

I've seen them try.
Their heads melt, so...

Oh. Oh, you're so smart, sir.

Well, listen, here's the thing.

Shawn rebooted me,
like, 40 million tines.

Wait, tine-him-is.

Time-ses. These things rule.

Oh, dip. This means
Janet didn't dump me.

Her weird sister did.

Everything makes so much more sense.

All of Janet's ideas were
so counterproductive.

She brought the horse monster to life.

She forced me to antagonize John.

She got us to doubt Eleanor's
leadership skills.

Oh, I was just about to launch an idea

where Tahani was gonna give herself

an asymmetrical haircut.

You monster.

Thank you!

Guys, we still have a problem here.

You still don't have evidence
that I'm actually me.

Sure, we do.

You offered to sacrifice yourself

to help a bunch of cockroaches.

That's about the most
Michael thing you could do.

Then where's real Janet?

Oh, she's in the Bad Place.

She's probably wiping her
butt with her own butt.

I can't bear the idea of poor
Janet down there all alone.

What should we do?

I know what to do.

It's like what that
guy who blew up said.

Shawn's a bully,

and sometimes, the only
thing a bully understands

is punch in the mouth.

I'm gonna go down there,

I'm gonna punch him in the mouth,

and I'm gonna get Janet back!

Oh, sounds like somebody has a plan.

Dope. Where is he?

- What's the plan?
- It's okay.

_

You sure you can hold down the fort?

Not at all.

You sure you can do your thing?

Nope.

We'll just try our best. Right?

Okay, let's go get our girl.

Not a girl.