The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Chillaxing - full transcript

So what's on tap for today?

Chidi's study group should
be off and running.

We can go check in on how Brent's doing.

If there's anyone that
can turn that ash-hole

into a good person, it's Chidi.

My man used to collect action
figures of famous philosophers.

Oh, Eleanor, look, it's a
near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer

with a working quill!

What a dork. I love him so much.

Chidi might make the new
humans better all on his own.

It's so great he erased his memory.



But, you know, it's also quite sad...

for you in a way that I always
think about and am respect of.

- [LAUGHS]
- What the fork?

Hi, Eleanor. Hi, Michael.

We were just heading off for picnic.

Oh, you know, we were
actually just gonna go

check in on your new student, Brent.

Oh, you know, I'm not sure that
Brent's in it for the long haul.

He came to one session,

and then he said he got a B+
in Moral Values at Princeton,

and so maybe he should be the professor.

Then he asked me if I knew
that he went Princeton.

I said I did.

Then he said he went to
Princeton, and he left.



- Eh, what are you gonna do?
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, just for argument's
sake, what would Kant say

about your duty to help
your fellow human beings?

Well, honestly, when the
weather is this perfect,

I think that Kant would say,

"Who's up for some Frisbee golf?"

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

Guys, you gotta hear this
joke I made about Kant.

Never seen Chidi like that.

He was... chillaxing,

which is a word I just invented,

combing Chidi and relaxing.

Yeah, I guess once you have
the burden of saving humanity

removed from your brain, life is dandy.

Must be nice, Chidi.

That's what's missing.

Chidi isn't being tortured.

As far as he's concerned,

he did everything right on Earth,

so now he just gets to enjoy himself.

If we don't force Chidi into
stressful decision-making,

he won't get the chance to
become a better person.

Right. You want to make a pearl,

you gotta get some sand in your clam.

Oyster. We need Chidi to live
in a world of low-grade dread.

I've got this. I have
a ton of experience

making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable.

First up, we fill his acoustic
guitar with wet cat food.

Judge me all you want. I get results.

[SERENE MUSIC]

_

- Janet, darling?
- Hi, there.

- Oh, you dyed your hair.
- I did.

After I broke up with Jason,
I researched how humans cope

with relationships ending,

and number eight on the list

was doing something dumb with your hair.

Number 42 was watch
"Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again,"

so I did that, too. It was okay.

It's just a lot of the same
songs as the first one.

Well, hopefully, diving back into work

was also high on that list
because we need to help John

and I know how.

- Spa day.
- Spa day?

That's right, Janet.

I've cracked the code.

See, in 2014, John wrote eleven articles

mocking Gigi Hadid's vacation
at an exclusive resort in Bali.

But then he researched cheap
flights to Bali for himself,

and looked into something called...

a discount hotel package?

See, John's pettiness was the
result of feeling excluded

by the rich and powerful.

So I, the rich and powerful,

am going to welcome him
into an exclusive world

of luxury and pampering!

Oh, he loves celebrity gossip.

You should tell him about how
eight different characters

from "Game of Thrones" are based on you.

That is a great idea.

See? You're getting it now.

First, we open his pores,

and then we open his heart.

We exfoliate the dead
skin cells of envy,

and we detoxify his soul.

Spa day.

Spa day.

I'm so excited for Spa day.

I mean, I know I can eat whatever

I want and not gain weight

and the air is obviously perfect

and no one has any jobs
or stress or problems,

but I just feel like I need this.

Well, you are in for a treat

'cause I had Janet
build an exact replica

of Victoria Beckham's
ultra-exclusive private spa.

Posh's spa? The Posh Wash?

It's the most coveted
invitation in England.

Membership is based on
weight and net worth.

Gain a pound or lose a
pound, and you're out.

Shall we go?

Jason, there you are?

We need your help.

Okay. Hand me the jar.

Of what?

The peanut butter jar. Get it.

You said you needed help
opening a peanut butter jar.

No, we didn't.

Oh. Then who said that?

No one. Shut up and listen.

We need your help with
something very important.

Are you sure? I'm probably
just gonna mess it up.

Just like I messed things up with Janet.

Dude, helping to save humanity

is as good a way as any
to get over a breakup.

I mean, it's not like Janet
has a car you can key,

or a house you can "Left Eye" Lopes.

Okay. I'm in.

I got your back, guys.
Now hand me that jar.

Are you speaking metaphorically,

like the task we're embarking on

is a metaphorical jar

you're gonna open by
accomplishing the task?

Yes.

[GASPS] Oh, goodie.

Cucumber water.

Nope. This is fresh water
from Oprah's estate in Maui

with mushrooms from her private bog

in the Pyrenees Mountains.

Oh, my God. It tastes like candy.

You know what they say.
A mushroom from Oprah's bog

is better than anything
from anywhere else.

Ugh, I didn't know that they said that.

I missed out on all the
cool celebrity sayings.

Say good-bye to FOMO.

You can finally experience
the best of the best.

The only thing that would
make this any better

is some hot goss.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Very well.

Our story begins

when I ran into Robbie
Williams, Heidi Klum,

and the remaining members
of Fifth Harmony

at the Dolce & Gabbana spring show.

Hate him, loathe her,
over them, cancel it,

tell me everything.

So Natalie Portman does all of
Scarlett Johansson's stunts?

- Why?
- For the power.

- Just to say she can.
- [SCOFFS]

Sure, I get that. [CHUCKLES]

Tahani, I feel amazing. Thank you.

You're quite welcome!

Hey, you know what would give
you an even more luminous glow?

There was this sort of inner treatment

that was all the rage on Earth,

the study of ethics.

Think of it as a colonic,
but for your soul!

Our resident philosopher Chidi Anagonye

leads an ethics study
group in his apartment.

What do you say you and I sit in?

Would I like to use my time in heaven

to audit a philosophy class?

Um...

no.

You stay crazy, girl!

Bye.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

- Hey!
- Hi!

- So how was the picnic?
- Oh, amazing.

I mean, there were ants everywhere,

but they were so helpful.

They carried our wine
glasses back and forth

and they folded our napkins for us.

- They were so cute.
- Wait till you see

the otters who do our turn-down service.

Listen, you might know Jianyu, the monk?

He wants to join your
philosophy study group.

Oh, sure, we can get that
up and running again.

Maybe discuss some
Lao Tzu and Confucius.

Fun! Everything is so fun.

Perfect. Just one thing.

So he's been having kind of
a hard time adjusting here.

Apparently monks aren't the
most social creatures.

So just promise me you'll
help him no matter what.

Eleanor, I swear to you

I will look after Jianyu as
if he is my own brother.

Wow. I mean, a promise

from a strict Kantian like yourself

is just about the most
ironclad agreement

in the universe.

Okay.

- Bye-bye. [CHUCKLES]
- Bye.

So, Jianyu, would you like some...

Yo, shut up for a sec.
I'm not a Buddhist monk.

My name is Jason Mendoza.

I'm a DJ from Florida,

and I'm not supposed to be here.

You gotta help me out, homie.

I'm scared.

Tea. I was gonna offer you some tea.

- _
- Dude, thanks to you,

my dream came true.

I have a shiny new butthole.

- You okay, homie?
- No!

I've had a stomach ache for a week.

There have been way
too many close calls.

Please, I beg you, no
more meatball subs.

No more drawing boobs in the dirt.

I cannot lie to cover for you.

Please remember you're
supposed to be a monk.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hey!

Eleanor and Michael are here.

What a fun surprise.

- You've done some redecorating.
- Oh.

Uh, yes, my apartment was
decorated in one way,

and now it has been... redecorated.

- And how's Jianyu?
- I mean, you know how monks are.

Calm, peaceful, never, you know,

shotgunning Cheez Whiz.

I mean, what monk
would do that? No monk!

[CHUCKLES] Anyway...

I see you guys are still here.

We were just dropping by to ask a favor.

Can you accompany Jianyu
to the luau tonight?

He still isn't really engaging
with the Neighborhood,

and we were hoping you could help him

break out of his shell.

Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Oh, why not?

I just remembered.

I can make it, so I will see you there.

Okay, bye.

[TROPICAL MUSIC]

I don't understand why John
hasn't made more progress.

You've done so much to
make him feel special.

I know. I recreated the
private tour of the Louvre

where they let you touch all the art.

We rode Aquamans through the water.

I got so many beauty treatments

I fear my hair may be
too shiny and lustrous.

We've been getting on quite well,

but every time I bring
up self-improvement,

he just shuts me down.

I haven't encountered
this much resistance

since I tried to get Timothée Chalamet

to go out into the sun.

You know, I looked at
John's files again.

He was hardly a shrinking violet.

If you think he needs help,

maybe you should just tell him directly.

Perhaps you're right.

I shall go on the attack,

just like six of the eight

"Game of Thrones" characters
who were based on me would do.

[QUIETLY] Yeah.

So how are things going with Chidi?

Super easy. All I have
to do is be myself,

and he's constantly freaking out.

You have that effect on people, bud.

What else can we do to mess up his life?

Listen, E-dog,

I know people don't look to me for plans

or ideas or anything,

but maybe we should ease off.

He's pretty stressed already.

Please. He's not even dry-heaving yet.

How many Tums did he take today?

- Like 20.
- Pfft, that's nothing.

We don't stop until it's a whole bottle.

Because the more miserable he is,

the more he's going to teach you,

and then everyone, and
then he'll save humanity.

He's like Superman
with nervous diarrhea.

Get ready. I'm gonna
make that speech soon.

♪ ♪

Hey, girl.

Want to hit up the spa tomorrow?

I want to try that new
"Little Mermaid" treatment,

the one where they
remove your vocal chords

and it somehow makes
your legs look amazing.

Perhaps, but I was
hoping to bend your ear

on a more serious matter.

The things you used to write,

frankly... were hurtful.

What? Name one.

I gained five pounds,

and you called me
Ta-Hammy All-the-Meals.

I mean, that's just poetry.

Well, you were so mean
to Daniel Day-Lewis,

- he quit acting.
- Oh, I'm sorry,

was he living in character

as a man who thought he could
pull off boot-cut jeans?

You know what? I see what this is.

This has been a fake friendship.

This whole week has just been a wind-up

to a sucker-punch.

No, it hasn't.

I just want you to recognize
that your blog hurt people.

And you have a chance to be better here.

B'scuse me?

You're telling me to be better?

While you were gallivanting
around with your fancy friends,

I lived in the real world,
so I had bills to pay.

I worked 16 hours a day by myself

building a site with
millions of readers.

You're the one with issues, sweetheart.

If you spot it, you got it.

Whoosh.

That's another deuce
for the gossip toilet.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hello and welcome!
Is everyone having fun tonight?

[ALL CHEERING]

We have an exciting activity
planned for all of you.

You have all been given
a magic lava stone.

When you throw them into the bonfire,

you will receive whatever
your soul most desires.

ALL: Ahh.

Step right up, Matilda.

Give it a toss.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS]

My childhood pet, Shell Turtlestein.

- [CROWD AWWS]
- Oh, hi!

I want to do that.

No, you cannot under any
circumstances do that.

Okay, but I gotta do that.

No! If you throw that stone,

your truest actual desire will appear,

and who knows what that is?

I do. My old motorcycle
with Pamela Anderson

airbrushed on the side.

It exploded a week after I got it

because someone wanted
to see what would happen

if they poured lighter
fluid in the engine.

Was that someone you?

Yep. Turns out it explodes.

Called it. Look, maybe Jianyu the monk

likes motorcycles.

We don't know his life.

No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle

with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.

Oh, it wasn't her face.

[SLOW MOTION] No!

A sexually explicit motorcycle?

Whose rock was that?

[GRUNTS] Hey, it's mine.

Jianyu tossed my rock

because he wanted to
help me, his friend,

who loves motorcycles

and Canadian TV actress Pamela Anderson.

Thanks, Jianyu.
And now I will ride it away.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

Can't wait to cruise the
streets in this bad boy.

Yeah, man.

Now we're cooking with gas.

Well, this was a huge success.

Chidi's an absolute mess.

Oh, we should pop open some champagne.

Call those magic ants.

He's clearly being tested
like never before.

Yeah, and now we need to
ramp up the pressure.

Eleanor, he told an outright lie.

We don't want him so freaked out

that he can't help anyone else.

I think we did enough for the day.

No way, dude. We can't stop now.

We have to push him to the edge.

We have to knead his fragile psyche

until he's hyperventilating

- and losing his mind.
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi, guys, um...

- can we talk?
- Yeah.

I need to tell you a secret.

I...

[HYPERVENTILATES]

I can't... [INHALES]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

No, no, guys, guys, not now.

I Spent my whole life on Earth
battling a stomach ache

because I never knew what to do.

And for a while here, that was gone,

but recently, I've been miserable.

Why, Chidi? You're in the Good Place.

I know, but I have this problem,

and if I choose option A... [GULPS]

But if I choose option B...

[EXHALES] No.

You know, Chidi,

sometimes adversity can lead to growth.

Whatever the moral dilemma is,

maybe you'll come out on the
other side better for it.

Yeah.

No.

I'm used to moral dilemmas.

I like moral dilemmas.

They're my jam, but this
just feels like I'm...

- What?
- Like I'm being punished somehow.

And, obviously, I know that's silly.
This is the Good Place.

You two would never do
anything to hurt anyone,

but I am seriously worried
that I did something wrong,

and this is the universe
getting back at me.

[CRIES]

Oh, no.

[WHIMPERS]

What's happening now?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I made God cry?

[CRYING]

Oh, stomach ache.
Welcome back, old friend.

I can't believe John.

The man who once started a
protracted Twitter feud

with Jacob Tremblay thinks
I'm the one with issues?

Maybe you need to be even
more direct with him.

Like, punch him in the face.

I don't know. I'm fired up.

You've just been very nice to him

and I don't like the
way he's treating you.

Maybe it's not possible.
We're just too different.

He spent his life in the
bowels of the Internet,

jealous and miserable
with no real friends,

while I spent my life

in the upper echelon of society...

jealous and miserable with...

no real friends.

Oh, Janet.

I've been going about this all wrong.

Exactly. Here you go.

Oh, uh... no, I'm...

Why? Why are you crying?

This is all my fault.

I promised I'd take care of you, Chidi.

- You did?
- Yes. I promised.

Uh, see, Chidi,
the Architect is responsible

for the entire Neighborhood,

so a resident suffering in any way,

it's very painful for her.

Actually, come here. Come here.

But don't worry.

We have a very simple
solution for problems here.

Oh, good. What is it?

We eliminate them.

So you just tell us a problem,
and we'll eliminate it,

like, say you had a
problem with that vase.

- [GASPS]
- [CHUCKLES] See?

So just tell me what's bothering you,

I'll wave my hand, it'll explode,

and you can go back to your
otherwise perfect life.

Uh... the motorcycle.

Yep. That's my problem.

For some reason, it just
hasn't been bringing me

as much happiness as maybe
it wasn't intended to,

so I'd just as soon get rid of it.

Done.

Oh, not again.

No more motorcycle.

- Problem solved.
- Great.

Uh, Eleanor, I hope you feel better.

No, no, she'll be fine. She'll be fine.

John, I have something to say.

Round two. Let's do this.

In 2007, Blake Lively invited
me to a birthday party

held for Leonardo DiCaprio
aboard Paul Allen's mega-yacht.

I see we're dropping names
three at a time now.

The guest list was 100
of the wealthiest,

most famous members of the glitterati.

Once aboard, I discovered
there was a VIP deck.

And within that area,

there was an even more exclusive room

that you could only
access with a secret PIN,

which I promptly entered.

And guess who was waiting for me.

I hate to admit it, but
I have to know. Who?

No one.

I was the only one there.

The party raged on outside,

but I was so obsessed with
status that I never left.

I spent the entire night
talking to no one.

Riveting story.

If only it were longer and sadder.

The point is,

if all you care about in the
world is the velvet rope,

you will always be unhappy no
matter which side you're on.

You and I are proof of that.

But now we're here.

Can we just start over?

Well...

if we're gonna be friends,
I need to say something.

[SOFT TROPICAL MUSIC]

I really am sorry for all the
posts I wrote about you.

And everything I tweeted.

And scrawled on the back of a playbill

during the intermission of "Wicked"

and had someone pass it to you

and say it was from an
anonymous concerned citizen.

- That was you?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, my bangs were making
my ears look chunky.

That was a fair hit.

[LAUGHTER]

It's a lovely night.

Would you like to go for a walk?

♪ ♪

- [MIMICKING GUITAR SOLO]
- Okay, Jason, new plan.

Instead of just trying
to not get caught,

we're going to study ethics.

I'm going to help you
become a good person.

Oh, dope. I always want to get better.

That's why I spent so much of
my time at the free clinic.

Hang on.

Just editing my syllabus in my
head based on that comment.

This is gonna be awesome. You rule.

You're like the Pam Anderson
boob motorcycle of people.

Thank you. That's an amazing compliment.

And I'm sorry your actual
motorcycle blew up.

Oh, that's okay, homie.

That's just what motorcycles do.

So Chidi's set with Jason now.

How are you doing?

A little better.

But still terrible.

You were torturing him

because that's what we had to do.

I know. But I went too far.

And what's worse...

I liked it.

Because I'm angry at him.

For leaving me.

Which isn't even remotely fair,

because he sacrificed himself for us.

But I'm still angry he abandoned me,

which makes me feel guilty,

which makes me angry,

which makes me want to talk to Chidi

because he's the person
I go to when I'm angry.

So it's a real fun cycle.

I still don't have a grip on
the human emotional spectrum.

You guys are often happy
when you should be sad

and angry when you should be happy,

and texting when you should be driving,

which is not an emotion,

I know, but it's insane.

The point is, in this case,

even if it's not rational,

you're allowed to feel a little angry.

Let yourself off the hook.

Process it and work your way through it,

and then get your shirt together.

Because we have a lot of work to do.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Morning, all.

Anyone interested in a status report?

I win. I mean, I'll start.

I have made massive progress with John.

Great. Is he gonna join Chidi's class?

Philosophy may not be his way forward.

Genuine human connection shall
be his course of study.

And first up on the syllabus,

he and I will be unironically watching

the Britney Spears movie
"Crossroads" together...

[CHUCKLES] And you'll have to trust me,

this is a huge step in
the right direction.

Wonderful work, Tahani.

And, Jason, I mean, bravo.

Thanks, guys.

It's been a tough couple weeks,

and it just felt really good to be...

brainy and have a useness.

Sure, bud.

Well, I think we can finally say

that all four of these mofos

are on the right path, so what's next?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪