The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - A Girl from Arizona Part 2 - full transcript

Linda...

You can have literally
anything you could...

What the...

You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?

This outrageous act must be punished.

Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.

I still don't get why the Bad Place
would try something so obvious?

They're desperate.
They know they're gonna lose.

Plus, we can get rid of the Linda picture,

and put a Chidi picture on the other side
since we know a ton about him.

It's all good news, right, team leader?



Yeah, it's super cool

that I'm actively surveilling
and manipulating an ex-boyfriend.

I mean, more so than I usually did.

Okay, let's focus on Brent.

Born on third base, thinks he invented
the game of baseball.

Guys like this believe
that the world revolves around them,

because it kinda does.

If we could get him
to listen to anyone else,

he'd hear how much better they are
than he was,

which might make him realize
that he doesn't belong here,

and also, bonus...

maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.

Anyway, long story short,
that's why there are still ducks.

- I saved all the ducks.
- Aw!



Incredible. Wow.

Thank you, Wanda. What a life.

Now we turn to our next guest,
Chidi Anagonye.

Now, Chidi, you led an impressive life
as an academic.

Uh, well, uh, not
save-an-entire-species impressive,

but yes, I was a professor
of ethical and moral philosophy.

I'm sorry. Literally every duck?

- You saved every duck?
- In essence, yes.

And I didn't mention this before,
I really don't like to brag,

but also horses.

What?

Man. I mean, compared to you,
I feel a little inadequate.

Hey. Hey, Mikey, can I ask you something?

I feel bad for making Janet's life
more chaotic and unpredictable.

So, here's my idea to make it up to her.

Me and 100 Janet babies
do a giant flash mob,

just total unpredictable chaos
all around her.

Great idea, right?

- Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
- Mmm-hmm?

Sorry, I put a little cheat code
in the neighborhood,

where if I say your name five times,
my headache goes away.

Do you know why I forced you to act
like a monk in the original neighborhood?

- Does it have to do with the TV show Monk?
- No.

It's because you have no control
over your own impulses.

You think every problem can be solved
with a Molotov cocktail,

or slashing somebody's tires
or plunging Derek.

So, being a monk was torture for you.

The only way for you
to repair your relationship with Janet

is to give her some space.

Show her that you can
control your impulses.

So, you're saying wanting to do something
isn't a good reason to immediately do it?

Yeah.

Man! I wish someone
had taught me this on Earth.

People tried. Mostly judges.

Hey, showtime.

And now, Brent Norwalk, why don't you
tell us a little bit about yourself?

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Sure. I'm pretty interesting.

I grew up in Chicago. A suburb, obviously.

I went to Princeton University.

No handouts, by the way.
I earned my spot there.

Just like my father
and his father before him.

I then inherited the family business,
and in just 18 years,

I grew Norwalk Materials
from a $90 million company...

to a $94 million company.

One second. Hey, Janet?

- Hi, there.
- Perrier.

Why don't you tell us
about a time when things

- didn't come so easy to you?
- Mmm.

Look, I've had my share
of disappointments.

I smartly bought Netflix stock
at $38 a share,

but I couldn't cash it in before I died.

So, all that money's going to my dumb kid.

But you have to press on, right?

In the words of Martin Luther King Jr.,
who I personally believe was a great man,

he said that, "When life knocks you
on your butt,

you jump back up
and start throwing haymakers."

- I'm not sure he said that.
- No, he did. You're wrong.

For me, Eleanor, it's all about
taking personal responsibility.

Not enough people do that.

If you ask me,

- that's what's wrong with this country.
- What country?

This was fun, Eleanor,
but I have a tee time.

Daddy no golfy, daddy get cranky.

So, Chad, Duck Lady, nice to meet ya.

Thank you.

Thank you all very much. You were great.

A car?

He got a car?

Okay. Well, back to the drawing board.

If we want him to understand
he doesn't belong here,

we don't need a drawing board.

We need to bust him open like a piñata.

We tried that in the Bad Place.

The goo that comes out
doesn't taste as good as candy.

- No, dude, metaphorically.
- Ah.

Although, there is another
Bad Place strategy

that might work very well here.

I don't know if that's the right move.

It's our only move.

And we're doing it tomorrow.

What the...

Hey, Janet?

Janet!

Is that Perrier?

♪ Waiting for the break of day ♪

♪ Searching for something to say ♪

Michael! Eleanor!

Brent, I'm so sorry. We don't know
why all of this is happening.

Well, I do.
This chaos is clearly all about me.

This is the universe telling me
that I don't belong here.

- Brent, what do you mean?
- I don't belong in the Good Place.

I mean, obviously,
there's a place better than this.

I belong there, in the Best Place.

Walk me through this, Brent.
I'm not sure we follow.

Well, I've been feeling this way
for a while now.

I mean, this can't be all
the afterlife has to offer,

not to the cream of the crop.

I mean, if this is heaven,
then where are my guys?

Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine?

Where's White Guillermo,

and where is Mexican William
and what about Squirtman?

Well, he makes a good point.
What about Squirtman?

Also, frankly, my assistant Janet
is a little uptight.

I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.

Have you been asking Janet
to make herself clothes,

that you give back to her?

Yeah, you're doing the math
right there, bud.

Look, this chaos, which is clearly
all about me, is a sign.

If this is the Good Place,
I belong in the Best Place.

So, figure it out, get back to me. Okay?

I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head.
I'll meet up with you later.

Michael, I'm afraid
we need to talk about Eleanor.

I know what you're gonna say.
She's just been really busy.

I'm sure she'll get around
to showering at some point.

No, it's not that.
Although, it's not, not that.

It's possible we need a new team leader.

Oh, really?

We just can't help but question
her decision-making.

She balked at bringing
Chidi and Simone together.

She ignored my concerns about Linda.

Her plans for Brent backfired.

We've made precious little progress.
Perhaps leadership isn't her forte.

Yeah, I mean, Eleanor is dope,
but she keeps screwing everything up.

That's my thing.
And you wouldn't put me in charge.

Actually, that's a decent point.

But think about what you're saying here.

We have. We should at least discuss
pursuing a change in leadership.

Yeah, definitely, let's pursue it.

Oh, hey, Eleanor.

We were just talking about how maybe
you shouldn't be team leader.

Saved it.

Go ahead, guys. Speak your mind.

It isn't personal, Eleanor.

When we started this experiment,
I calculated a 9% chance of success.

After your first three days on the job,
it's down to 7.1%.

So purely from a mathematical standpoint,
you are kind of pooching it.

Very helpful feedback.

And if I could give you some feedback,

uh, I'd say that you're all
ungrateful ash-faces,

who can shove your fat grumps
all the way up your snork-box.

Which curses were those?

I didn't ask for this.

I'm only doing it because Michael,
who is supposed to be in charge,

had a nervous breakdown
the second it started.

But maybe you can do it better than me.

Tahani can be in charge
since she's so smart.

Or better yet, Jason.

Maybe all of humanity can be saved

with one good, old-fashioned
Jacksonville carnival.

I mean, we could try.
All I need is a bouncy house,

some ninja stars
and a bunch of ambulances.

Well, good luck, fork-faces. I quit.

Shellstrop out.

You get it all out of your system?

- You gonna come back, get to work?
- No, man, I meant what I said. I quit.

I'm sorry you overheard that,
and they're sorry they said it.

But you don't just
get to quit this, Eleanor.

This is not your seventh-grade band,

or three hours into
a two-week juice cleanse.

A little more at stake here.

Yeah, man, that's why I'm quitting.

The things that are happening here
are above my pay grade.

How do I get Brent
to stop being such a deckhead?

How do I fix Simone when she's convinced

all of this is happening
inside of her brain?

Ooh, maybe I should drive her
into the arms of my ex-boyfriend?

That sounds fun.

What do I do about John, the gossip king,

or the demon spy
who punched me in the face?

And how do I do it all

with a pleasant smile
to keep everyone's spirits up?

I'm not meant for this.

I'm not the freakin' savior
of the universe.

I'm just...

a girl from Arizona.

That's it.

I'm just a normal girl from Arizona.

I ate junk food, I watched reality shows,

I sometimes left H&M
wearing more underpants

than I had on when I came in.

I did a bad job of being in charge
of my own life,

and now I'm supposed to be
in charge of everyone else's life? I...

I cannot do this.

When I started my experiment,

I thought, "Four broken birdbrains
who will believe everything I tell them.

This will be a breeze."

You beat me in three months.

"Okay, fine," I thought, "a fluke."

You then you beat me 800 more times.

Because human beings,
it turns out, are weird,

and I will never truly understand
what it's like to be one.

This is a job for a human.

One who's tough, but also empathetic
and has a big heart,

and a world-class bullshirt detector.

You think you can't do this?

Eleanor, you're the only one
who can do this.

Like it or not, the only one
who can save humanity

is a girl from Arizona.

But everything I do blows up in my face.

I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote.

That's true.

About you making lots of mistakes,

not the thing where
you sexualized a cartoon.

Come on, you know how this works.

You fail, and then you try something else,
and you fail again and again.

And you fail 1,000 times,
and you keep trying,

because maybe the 1,001st idea might work.

Now, I'm gonna go and try to find
our 1,001st idea.

I hope you'll join me.

I hope you shower first and then join me.

Ladies and gentlemen, back with her
trademark brand of B-minus leadership,

Eleanor Shellstrop.

We are so, so, so sorry, Eleanor.
We never should've questioned you.

Don't worry about it, hot stuff.
I was questioning me, too.

But I'm back, baby.
And I have a new idea for Brent.

Guys like him never think they're wrong.

So, we're gonna tell him he's right.

Brent?

This conversation
must remain confidential.

- Okay.
- Obviously, you're a very smart guy.

- Yes.
- But we need to know that we can trust you

with sensitive information.

You can.

I routinely buried HR complaints.
So, no problem.

The truth is, Brent, you figured us out.

There is a Best Place.

I knew it! I knew it.

The Best Place is reserved for a select,
upper echelon of good people.

Sort of like a Diamond Elite
VIP club of afterlife residents.

I was Diamond Elite. I swear.

One time, I did shots
with this pilot in the lounge.

The guy let me fly his helicopter.

- We know. That's how you died.
- Right.

So, you'll all be evaluated,

and then a very small group of the most
morally upstanding residents get to go.

Oh, I see.
So, it's like a "good deeds" contest?

That's easy. I'm gonna crush this.

Oh, and hey, mum's the word, right?
Why tip off my competition?

Oops! Looks like you dropped your fork.
Let me get that for you.

Did you get that? The fork thing?
Or should I start writing these down?

- You're good. We'll keep track.
- Great. Love it.

- Hi, Jason.
- Janet.

I'm so happy to see you.
I got you a box of chocolates.

But then I remembered
you can't eat, so I ate them,

and I thought it'd be a nice present
for me to describe them to you.

So, the first one was gross...

Jason, um, please just let me talk.

You know that I've been overwhelmed
with work since the neighborhood started.

- Yup.
- And I asked you to give me some space.

Yup.

I'm so sorry to say this...

but I can't be
in a relationship with you right now.

Being with you is fun,
but it's not always easy,

and I'm afraid it would
endanger the experiment.

It won't though.

Jason, it already has.

So, why don't we just take a break
until it's all finished?

Also, I hate to pile on, but I feel
like you have a right to know.

The Jacksonville Jaguars
cut Blake Bortles.

He's not on the team anymore.
I am genuinely sorry.

Hi, how are you?

Nice to see you. Enjoy your yogurt.

Problem is, now he's saddled
with a bad motivation.

His points won't go up

if the only reason he's being nice
is to make his points go up.

Yeah. But that was also my situation
when I first asked Chidi for help.

I only did it so you wouldn't catch me.

We have to hope that over time,

Brent starts doing good things
out of habit.

Just like you.

Hey, I just realized something.

That whole "You're the only one
who can save us" speech.

You didn't actually have
a nervous breakdown on day one, did you?

You faked it,
so that I would step up and take over.

- Guilty.
- You tricky devil. Very clever.

All right. Time to go help
Simone and Chidi.

Oof! Why did I come up with this idea?
This is gonna hurt real bad.

I know. I know.
But I think it's gonna work.

Yeah, but it's gonna suck for me.

You sure there's no other
girl from Arizona who can do this?

What about Emma Stone?
She's from there. She's very capable.

Remember her in Zombieland?
And La La Land?

What's with all her movies
ending with "land"?

- You're stalling.
- Yup. Heading out.

Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.

Janet was my whole afterlife.

How am I gonna get over her?

I used to have a breakup routine
when a relationship ended.

Champagne and Alanis Morissette.

Not the actual singer.

I just listened to her albums
at my friend Adele's house.

I guess I could do
my normal breakup routine.

Drink a ton of Mountain Dew, steal an ATV

and ride it through a Panda Express.

But then I'd have to ask Janet
for the Mountain Dew and the ATV,

and then I'd have to see Janet,
and then I'd start crying.

- What do I do?
- I honestly don't know.

But whatever you do,
you'll be doing it with your friends.

And I didn't even get to tell you
about the Blake Bortles part.

So, Chidi, do you remember that woman
Simone from the party the other night?

Simone...

the Third Eye Blind superfan

who walked around
cutting off people's ponytails?

That's the one.

Uh, I need your help,
acclimating her to the neighborhood.

I've tried, but since she thinks
this whole thing is imaginary,

and I'm an authority figure,
I'm extra suspicious.

Well, what makes you think
I'd have any more luck?

Chidi, you and Simone...

are soulmates.

Soulmates? Like our souls are...

are...

Mates, yes.

Everyone has people
that they're cosmically bound to,

and the system brings them together
in the afterlife.

And I can say, with complete certainty,
that you and Simone are two such people.

I haven't told her yet.

I wouldn't have told you, ordinarily,

but since she's gone
a little cuckoo bananas...

That's the official architect term.

Uh, I thought it was prudent
to let you know.

Whoo, boy, uh...

I'm getting a stomachache.

But a good one! A happy stomachache!
This is new.

There are some great writings

on simulated realities
that might help her adjust.

Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou...

I wonder if I can summon a book
from my apartment.

Well, good luck.

This is incredible.

I spent my whole life in pursuit
of fundamental truths about the universe,

but I never actually
fell in love with someone.

I know.

Oh, right. Of course.
You know everything about me.

I do indeed.

Hi, Simone.
Uh, Chidi. From the other night.

Oh! Wow.

My brain must
really like keeping you around.

Have a fake seat
and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist.

Right, um...

So, if I understand your state of mind,
it's basically solipsism.

You think that you're
the only real thing in the universe,

and everything else
stems from your consciousness.

Yes, but to be fair, I only think that
because it's true and I'm right.

No offense, but solipsism,
as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile,

especially for a person
with multiple advanced degrees.

And it's also impossible to refute,

because everything you see
is confirmed by your belief.

However...

- Dude!
- What? If none of this is real,

then it really shouldn't matter, right?
In fact...

- Dude!
- What?

It's not real. None of this matters.

Leave that on your nose
for the rest of time.

Fine. Point sort of taken.

You know, in a larger sense,

if you go around acting like
no one else matters,

then you end up doing things
like knocking over cakes,

and pushing people into pools
and just generally acting like a jerk.

Why not treat them better,
just in case they're real?

I mean, what do you have to lose

by treating people
with kindness and respect?

Okay. Keep talking, probably-fake
but-maybe-real philosopher man.

Well, good news,
Simone and Chidi are hitting it off.

I mean, I wasn't getting
any use out of him as a boyfriend,

so why not pass him off
to someone in need?

Is this what donating
old bras to Goodwill feels like?

It must have been really hard,
lying to Chidi like that.

That's the thing,
I don't know that it was a lie.

They did fall in love on Earth.

And Michael was right.

Chidi made a huge sacrifice for us,
and I had to make sure it was worth it.

It's arguable that you made
an even bigger sacrifice.

You actually have to live
with this situation.

Chidi just gets to go around,
blissfully unaware of what he gave up.

Yeah, but we know what he gave up.

Dat ash.

Come on, bud. I know you're down,
but you can't leave me hanging.

You're right. That is the code.