The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Girl from Arizona - full transcript

- _
- Michael designs the new neighborhood.

The Bad Place gets to
choose the four new humans.

The other residents
will be Janet Babies.

You know, if we pooled our resources,

we could be done in two
shakes of a lamb's Derek.

Thanks, Derek.

When you fail, the four humans

will be tortured for all eternity.

But guess who's going to
be doing the torturing?

We built a Michael suit.

I can't do it. It's too scary.



Hi, John, I'm the architect.

Come on in.

The Bad Place didn't
pick the worst people.

They picked the people who
would be the worst for us.

You need to erase my
memory and reboot me.

Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

Wow! Just... wow!

It's perfect.
Everything is just perfect.

I am so, so happy.

I'm glad you like it.

It's so quaint... it feels cozy,

but also vibrant and limitless.

I can't believe how...
how utterly, completely,



100% perfect everything is...

You know, let's keep this moving.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here is your new home,

complete with two of
your favorite things:

floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...

Reading lights! I love reading lights.

They are great for reading.

And, oh, check this out.
Um, hold out your hand.

And think about a book.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

I can summon philosophy
books like Thor's hammer.

This is literally my number one dream.

Also... ow!

That hurt.

Well, I have a lot to attend to. Um...

welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.

Thank you so much.
Ah... and I'm... I'm sorry.

This has been so overwhelming,
I-I forgot your name.

- Eleanor.
- Eleanor, right.

Sorry. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.

Well, you might!

Okay, can we not...

Oh, Eleanor, you did a brave thing

and I am embracing you and
I shall not let you go.

And I'm also embracing you

because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.

Guys, I'm good. Honestly.

Wasn't even as bad as I thought.

I mean, who cares if he
doesn't remember my name?

Oof... I mean, cool.

Good save, bud.

Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,

who gets here in... six minutes.

Wait. I need to say something.

I know this seems bleak and it
feels like we're all doomed

and therefore humanity is doomed.

You needed to say that?

The point is, I believe that
we're destined to succeed.

There is nothing that the
Bad Place can throw at us

that we can't handle,
because we are an incredible,

inspiring, brilliant group of...

Supercharged, d-bag, ass-wiping maniacs.

I mean, look at you.

I am so proud

of how disgusting and cruel you all are.

You suck.

You all suck donkey butts.

Tahani... so, so smart,
and sophisticated.

She was the only one who was able

to talk me out of that goatee.

Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,

and I'll be damned if
I lose it with you.

Bambadjan... such an
unbelievable dingus.

And Val.

Who's a bigger skidmark than Val?

Maybe your mom.

Classic.

We have Janet,

who can do literally anything.

She made all the other
people in the neighborhood.

- Not people.
- We have me,

who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now.

And that was awhile ago.

Most of you don't even
remember it, probably.

We have Jason, who can...

And marching us into battle,

our fearless leader,
the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,

Eleanor Shellstrop!

- Yay, Eleanor!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Technically, the pride of Phoenix

is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper

made from cigarette butts.

It's outside City Hall.

But thank you for the kind words.

With this team,

there's no problem we can't solve.

There is no problem we can't create.

And believe me, we are gonna
create some a-problems.

So let's kick things off with
our official Bad Place song.

♪ 1-877-KARS for Kids ♪

♪ K-A-R-S, Kars for Kids ♪

- Ooh, are we singing?
- Shut up, Glenn.

_

I think you look great.

Professional, serious.

A proper team leader.

It does make me feel authoritative,

like that chick from "Law and Order."

Well, boys,

looks like we got ourselves an SVU.

I've never seen the show.

Okay, who we got next?

Linda? Come on in.

So you, Linda Johannsen,

are in the Good Place.

That's nice.

I know this can be a
little overwhelming,

but you'll get used to it.

Do you have any questions?

Is there a fitness center?

There can be,

plus literally anything else

you could possibly wish for.

Just in case we weren't clear,

this is the Good Place.

A state of eternal happiness.

Paradise.

That's nice.

I like that.

So the Bad Place sent
Simone to mess with Chidi,

John to mess with Tahani...
do you think they sent Linda

to mess with Jason? She's from Norway...

is Norway, like,
the opposite of Florida?

All I know is she's boring.

She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.

Disco Janet was around
for awhile, years ago.

She was great.

I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.

Actually, that's a good idea.

Let's unload this dead weight. Janet?

- Hi, there.
- Linda, this is Janet.

If you want anything at all,

Janet can bring it to you. Watch.

Janet, can I have a baby elephant

made of pure light

that tells you true secrets
about the universe?

Shirley Temple killed JFK.

See? Anything you want from Janet?

Can I have... a peppermint?

Sure.

I'm gonna go over there now.

Stonehenge was a sex thing.

Brent? Come on in.

So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Really? Well, that blows.

Ah, you know what, maybe
it's a good thing, actually.

Some journalist was poking around,

calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.

You can't even make a joke these days!

Everything is so PC.

And I was an equal-opportunity
offender, okay?

I made jokes about
everybody, and by the way,

I'm the furthest thing from racist.

My dentist was a black woman.

I just think people need to loosen up.

So, where am I, exactly?

- The Good Place.
- Oh, cool.

Good.

So, Brent, I see from your file

you were in the materials business.

Oh, yeah, big time.

Strings, chords, vinyl,
synthetics, rubber...

we do vulcanized now, so that's huge.

Plus metals... aluminum,
brass, copper... what else...

- Steel?
- No, not steel.

Steel's a sucker's game.

Polymers, coatings, internals...

you crack open an HVAC?

That is all us.

Is there golf here?
There freaking better be.

Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit

while I go far away and
if you need anything,

you can always ask Janet. Janet?

Hi, there. How can I help you?

Oh, a secretary. Great.

- Not a secretary.
- Fine, fine.

Executive assistant.

Here we go with all the terms
we gotta learn, right?

Vice-president of helping.
Captain Marvel.

You know what I'm saying.

Oh, I'm not part of this.

Let me show you around.

Well, Linda must be here for Jason

because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.

Everyone, you may remember
Matt from accounting.

The Judge has assigned
him to our project.

So I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.

A modified point system will
be applied to their actions

for the next year, and then
we'll know how much better

or worse their behavior is

than when they were alive.

But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.

Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom.

Okay, forget about all that stuff.

For this first week, all we
need to do is figure out

what the fork is up with these benches.

So, I made this.

We start 'em out on this side,

because we're like, "What's her deal?"

And when we feel we have a
handle on who they are,

what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...

party time.

We already know a lot
about Simone... so...

boom, see?

One down, three to go.

Let's go figure out the others.

We can do this. On three.

Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose.

Ah, sorry.

Old Bad Place rally cry.

Aww, aww.

Janet! He's walking around again.

Yeah, I see that. Derek,
what are you doing here?

You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.

I can't help it.

I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.

I mean, will you look at all these

beautiful babies that we made?

She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.

Probably just, like, made all the butts.

I did make all the butts.
I made that butt...

- I made that butt...
- Right.

I made both those butts.

Derek, you have to
stay at Mindy's house.

What if one of our new
humans sees you and starts

asking questions about
the weirdo in the tux?

Say no more, but before I leave,

can I have a hug

in celebration of
everything that we created?

- Okay.
- Aww.

That feels so... Derek.

Oh.

You are all, simply put, good people.

The point of the video is
to make them all confront

what kind of people they were on earth.

Keep a close eye on our four subjects.

Try to gauge their reactions, you know?

The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches.

What about shaking someone by the head?

What does that mean?

Oh, boy.

Hey, Simone, everything okay?

Yeah, well, no... well,
actually, it doesn't matter.

None of this is real.

Sorry?

I'm a neuroscientist, so I
get what's going on here.

You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,

I'm on my deathbed,
and this entire thing

is just a hallucination
constructed by my damaged brain

as it slowly shuts down.

It's not real,

so I'm just gonna wander
around until I wake up or die.

See you later, figments
of my imagination!

She's just gonna go get some popcorn

from the... river.

There's a popcorn river.

I'll show you guys later.

Uh, she said keep going without
her, so let's roll it.

Janet, make a popcorn river.

Everyone else, meet at
Mindy's in ten minutes.

Well... we're off to a fantastic start.

I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex

that if I lose concentration for
even one billionth of a second,

the entire neighborhood
could collapse in on itself

like a dying star.

Also, Brent wants a BLT.

Simone's reaction is fairly common.

When I worked in the Bad Place,

some people just wouldn't believe it

when they heard they were dead.

How did you convince them?

They'd usually come around

by the third or fourth
day of mouth fleas.

Obviously not an option here.

But, if Simone doesn't
think this is real,

she definitely won't
become a better person.

Who can convince her that this
actually is the afterlife?

We need someone authoritative
and reassuring,

like... Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart

or really any of my old
racquetball partners would do.

Oh, I know who it should be.

If you say Blake Bortles,

- I'm gonna slap you a lot.
- Chidi!

I believe everything Chidi ever tells me

because of his brain
and how he looks like

one of those owls that
graduated from college.

Of course.

Time to activate our
ethical sleeper agent

and introduce him to Simone.

Eh, I don't know,
Simone isn't struggling

with a philosophy problem.

She's just, you know,
like... being silly.

Let's just get her to the welcome party

and I'm sure she'll be fine.

Eleanor!

Look what my brain did!

It's not real and neither are you.

♪ I'm in a coma and
none of this is real ♪

Okay, I know this is bad

and we need a new approach,

but... she is wearing the hell
out of those foam fingers.

Dude! Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.

I know, I just came to
mix myself a Derek,

and then I'll be on my way.

Before you leave,
I want to call a truce.

- Hmm?
- Feel like you're trying

to get under my skin, but it's okay.

I've decided to rise above it.

Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.

Let me say in response...

I will destroy you.

Janet is, and always will be,

my mommy-girlfriend.

You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.

Mmm...

Okay, status report.

What have we learned about Linda?

Little, I'm afraid...
I tried talking to her,

but it was the dullest
conversation I have ever had,

and this is coming from someone
who once split a Xanax

with Peter Sarsgaard.

Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.

We have enough to worry about.
How is Brent doing?

About the same, I'd say.

Princeton. Graduated in the
top half of the bottom half

of my class.

Rowing team, sailing
team, class president.

I hung out with all those guys.

Okay, and John, our
favorite gossip columnist?

Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face

with six vials of Juvederm.

I'm hoping that my corpse looks
like a waxed tile floor.

My ex-boyf is going to be supes jel.

Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop.

Trying to see who gets me.

Our biggest liability
right now is Simone.

Let's try to keep the three
of them away from her.

We can't wait any longer.

We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.

Why? I-I think she's doing great.

See, she's getting all the
cake-pushing out of her system.

I know it's painful to think
of the two of them...

connecting, but Chidi made
an incredible sacrifice.

He had his memories erased
so he could help people.

And if we don't let him help Simone,

it'll be all for nothing.

Fine.

Stupid... ethical...
reasonable argument.

I wish you were a cake. Push you over.

Are you still muttering?

No! I stopped.

Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon...

Wow.

Oh!

Hey, there, Simone.

Shoving people in the pool, huh?

Yeah, just testing the laws of physics

here in my nonsense brain jail.

Who's this?

Uh, this is Chidi Anagonye.

He was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy,

so I figured he might be able to help...

Chidi Anagonye, that sounds so familiar.

Where did you teach?

- St. John's University in Sydney.
- Of course!

I used to teach there.

I must've seen his name
on the faculty list

and now my dying brain

is just leaking out random information.

Oh, the human mind is truly incredible!

♪ I want something else ♪

♪ To get me through this ♪

♪ Semi-charmed kind
of life, baby, baby ♪

Look, sorry, uh, what...
what's happening now?

When I was a kid,
my CD alarm clock broke

and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,

so now I'm singing it to
try and wake myself up.

Okay, well, nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you too, cute guy generated

by my rapidly decaying temporal lobe.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo-do-do-doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

Hey...

You know, it's bad enough

you guys have taken over my house

for a year and I've had to move

into the attic, but
now I have to walk in

to find Darth Vader's turd

in the middle of my living room.

I mean, what is this?

No time to explain.
Also, I kind of forgot.

Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him.

Yeah, I used to do
this whenever I needed

some alone time.

Once, I rebooted him

just because he was
breathing super loud.

Then, when he woke up, he was
like, "I don't breathe."

So I don't know what I heard.

Well, I'm doing this because he's
trying to steal my girlfriend.

Yeah, you don't need to justify it.

Again, I do it all the time.

No, no, no, Mindy,
please wait, don't kill me!

Oh... it's you?

Okay, well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to...

Yeah!

Oh, it's always good.

- ♪ Doo-do-do-doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
- You know what, Simone?

Think of it this way. If this
is really all a hallucination,

doesn't it seem kind of basic?

I mean, surely, your brain
would imagine something

weirder than just a nice cocktail party?

Oh, you mean like that?

Attention, I have been Dereked.

That's probably my doctor.
Oh, this is all in my head.

I'm gonna go eat a knife.

Attention. Murder has been me.

Let me get this straight:

Derek, quote, "made mean eyes at you,"

so you went to Mindy's
house and murdered him?

Yeah, dog, but his
eyes were really mean.

You're probably thinking this...

but they were more like this...

Jason, why did you kill Derek?

I had to get his giant
head out of the sky

before any of the humans could
see, and it was not easy.

I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.

I hate being scared. It's... it's scary.

I don't have time for this.
I am running a neighborhood

and its residents,

and Eleanor just casually orders me

to make popcorn rivers,

and Brent won't stop
calling me for stuff.

Ugh!

Are we still boyfriend-not-a-girlfriend?

We'll talk about it later.

Okay, executive decision:
forget about Simone.

Janet, make sure she
doesn't come in contact

with the other humans.

Let's focus on Linda.

We ought to be able to figure her out

if we can just liven her up a bit.

We'll just, like, sprinkle some cocaine

on her peppermints or something.

Does anyone else find it suspicious

that the Bad Place sent someone so dull?

No, it makes perfect sense to me.

They are trying to drive us insane

by giving us a big boring
glob of plain yogurt.

Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.

Okay, you heard the lady.

We'll meet in the town
square bright and early.

Janet, set up for Flying Day.

Cool.

I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.

Off you go.

Whoo-hoo!

Linda, how are you
enjoying the Good Place?

It's good.

Everyone's flying.

You don't want to go flying any higher?

No, thanks.

Oh, well, okay.

Says in your file that
you like knitting.

Would you like to do
some knitting right now?

No, thanks.

Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?

You also enjoyed listening to birds.

Man, Linda, you don't even look at them?

Let's go hear some birds.
What do you say?

I'm gonna go get another peppermint.

Come on, Lins.

You can have literally
anything you could poss...

What the...

Okay, so...

Maybe she's less boring than I thought.

So let me get this straight, Shawn:

you sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?

Yes, he did, Your Honor.

Luckily, none of the
other test subjects saw

the mess he made,

but he put the experiment at risk

and he attacked me and Eleanor.

And I'm sorry, where's your shirt?

I think it got stuck in the skin suit.

Well, keep it there.

Damn it, Chris, you were supposed
to slowly undermine them

and gradually sabotage the experiment,

not just go ham on day
two, you fart plume.

I told you, I'm not an actor.

And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.

Okay, fine, yes, busted.

I'm a rascal.

We'll come pick him up and replace
him with an actual human.

Oh, you will do nothing
of the sort, mon ami.

This outrageous act must be punished.

Chidi will be the fourth
subject in this experiment.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

He's perfect because he's already had

his memories erased.

Although you can't erase that booty,

know what I'm saying, blondie?

All due respect, Your Honor,

keep it in your robe.

What she means is thank you,
Your Honor, we accept.

Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.

Chidi can't be part of the experiment.

They already know that he can improve.

That's like studying for a test,

then acing the test. It's cheating.

How is that cheating?

You're just falsely accusing
us of what you actually did.

No, that's what you're doing.

Shawn, I don't have time for this.

I just started "Deadwood"... finally...

and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,

so I'm gonna make this short.

If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,

I will restart the entire
thing from scratch,

and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids

and make you watch heartwarming videos

of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Whoa, slow down.

Did you put those trash cans there

just so you could crash into them?

That wasn't my fault, I was texting.

Okay, let him go, dung buckets.

Nice try.

We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.

Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you

not to cheat again.

Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,

because we all thought
you were too stupid.

Well, it was actually
Tahani who got suspicious.

Aww... that is so embarrassing for you.

Seems like you're royally
forking this up,

just like we knew you would.

Okay, take off,

and give Shawn a message for me.

Tell him that we said, "Boo-yah!"

Make sure you do the hand motion.

Like, "Boo-yah!"

Are you listening to me?

- Okay, Michael, that's fine.
- No, show me...

- show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.

No, it's important that
she does the hand thing,

'cause it really drives the point home.

_