The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Patty - full transcript
The group makes some new friends.
We're finally headed to the Good Place.
It's the "me" of places!
I-I got in, I can say
stuff like that again.
Are you sure we're going
the right way, Janet?
Well, I've never been to the
Good Place before, but...
yes, I'm sure.
- How?
- Because...
it feels like I'm on my way home.
Flying puppy!
You're almost there!
Just a little further.
Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael,
why didn't you think of
that for your neighborhood?
These guys are good.
_
_
I feel just like Dorothy
when she lands in Oz.
Excited, incredulous,
much taller than
everyone else around me.
What's everyone wanna do first?
Racing go-karts with monkeys.
Sure.
It's my lifelong dream.
Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents.
They're funny enough to give the finger,
but not smart enough to win.
- _
- Does that mean me?
You're a Good Janet, and
we're in the Good Place.
I don't know who else it would mean.
Okay. No pressure.
I was born to do this... not born.
Okay, so I now know all the information
about the Good Place.
In a nutshell, it slaps.
First thing to tell you:
humans can't see the
Good Place all at once
or their brains will be scrambled.
Cool, maybe I'll finally get
some of those squigglies on my brain.
Doctor said my brain's
as smooth as an egg.
You all need to wait out here
for a bit so you can adjust.
When you're ready, you will be honored
with a welcome gala
magically planned by the Good Place
based on your personalities.
Like the "targeted
Instagram ad" of parties!
You know, I bought the
coolest sunglasses
from one of those ads.
Look.
Whoa.
It's like I'm inside the Internet.
Okay, can we just keep moving?
You look a little pale.
Did you get sick from
the hot air balloon?
I bet if you throw up
it'll just be butterflies
- or something.
- I'm fine, I just um...
I don't belong here.
There's no telling what will happen
to a demon who steps foot in this place.
Promise me if I'm vaporized,
you guys just keep having fun.
Oh, my goodness, that chime
is so soothing, it feels like
my brain is being massaged
- by a baby deer?
- Oh, boy.
What if that's some sort of demon alarm
to alert the cops that I'm here?
You want me to hold your weed?
I don't have weed.
Oh... Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah, okay, now I do.
Take this.
They're ready for you to move inside.
The Good Place Committee
is waiting for us.
_
- _
- Oh, man.
Look at this place!
Karlie Kloss did like me!
I knew it!
So about this party...
is everyone in the Good Place invited?
Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?
Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's
in the Bad Place.
- He defended slavery.
- Socrates?
No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
- Plato.
- Slavery again.
Oh, you know who is here?
Hypatia of Alexandria.
- Do you know her?
- Hypatia?
- Of Alexandria.
- That's right.
Uh, yeah, I know her.
Ooh, Hypatia!
I'm gonna ask her so many questions
pertaining to the grand
ideas about the universe,
like: "Why?"
Oh, oh, and also...
"How?"
- Ooh.
- Welcome to the Good Place, everyone.
Michael, so happy you made it.
You look radiant.
You have the calming yet
authoritative presence
of a bomb-sniffing dog.
I'd just like to say, thank you so much
for letting me be here with my friends.
I know it's unorthodox
for someone like myself
to visit the Good Place,
but it's just so wonderful,
and I don't have any weed on
me, so no need for the cops.
Michael, Michael.
You and your friends are heroes.
And you're more than welcome here.
In fact, we have some
very exciting news.
While the rest of you get settled in,
we want to give Michael
a swearing-in ceremony
so he can become an official
Good Place Architect.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Michael, please, follow us.
Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.
It really is the most incredible chime
I've ever heard, and that
is coming from someone
whose godfather is the most
famous clock in the world.
Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
- Mm-hmm.
- That sound means...
it's party time.
When you walk through,
the event space will transform
into a party perfectly
tailored to your essences.
Let's link arms and
walk through together.
- Weird...
- Whoa.
This is the Jacksonville
SuperSuites Hotel ballroom
where I had my prom
and also traffic court.
But this has to be my party, because...
that's the bed pan that
Stone Cold Steve Austin
used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!
It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.
I'm so sorry, guys.
The Good Place uses
your life experiences
to plan the perfect party,
but it's only designed for
one person at a time.
When you walked in as
a group, it became...
A mishmash of all four of us.
It's perfect.
Um, no it's not, Eleanor,
because there's no go-kart
track and no monkeys.
No offense, but you're being
a real smooth brain right now.
See those Green Doors?
You can use them to visit
any time or place,
real or imagined.
Just think about where you wanna go,
and what you wanna do,
and walk on through.
So, one could walk
amongst the dinosaurs,
or witness the very first
production of "Hamlet"
at the Globe Theater.
I'ma go Tokyo drift with monkeys!
See you in a thousand years!
Do you mind if I go find Hypatia?
I-I promise it's strictly platonic.
Technically Neoplatonic.
- Whoops.
- Forget I made that joke
and come with me.
I'm so nervous to meet her,
and I need someone cool there
to change the subject if
I say something dumb.
Sure, give me one sec.
Hey, Tahani.
This room is filled with some
of the most interesting people
that ever lived.
Chat them up, learn about their lives,
then... meet back here so
that we can make fun of them.
Eleanor Shellstrop.
I have been training for
this day my entire life.
I am so honored by this gesture.
This feels right.
This will be my new purpose.
Everything's falling into place.
Great, let's get to it.
Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Ha!
Boy, do you have the
shoulders for a robe.
- Oh.
- Just sign this scroll.
I've never signed my name before.
What signature type to choose?
A "Doctor blob," or no,
"Athlete who doesn't really
care about the kid."
Oh, wait, no.
"Middle school girl with
crush on Zac Efron."
That way, I can put a
little heart over the "I".
Perfect, and here is
your official medal.
Now I know what Mary
Lou Retton feels like.
And great, now you are
officially in charge
of the Good Place.
I'm sorry. "In charge"?
Yup, you're the boss now.
That was all legally binding,
and we all quit, effective immediately.
That is irreversible, so
it's all your problem now.
Don't try to find us,
no take-backs. Okay, bye-bye!
Hurry up, move, move, go, go! Go, go!
Hello? Fellow Good Placemen?
Anyone in here?
"Ideas for improving
the Good Place." Oh...
"Music you can eat."
Oh, boy. "Giant mini doughnuts,
not just regular doughnuts.
Dave will explain."
Dave?
Can you explain?
Hi, are you, uh...
are you... are you
Hypatia Of Alexandria?
Yup, how's it hangin'?
It's hanging really well!
Um, I-I gotta say,
I was expecting you to be
still, you know, Ancient Greek.
Oh, well, we sort of stay
current in this place.
One of the big things
from Earth recently,
um, the Industrial Revolution,
the Manhattan Project, Gangnam Style...
I feel like I get it.
It's really her. I can
just tell, somehow,
it's Hypatia of Alexandria.
I know, babe. Yes it is.
Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor.
This exuberant weirdo is Chidi.
We're new in town. First question:
How do you get the "of" in your name?
Is it just, like, where
you hung out the most?
Like, am I "Eleanor of the
Cheesecake Factory Bar"?
Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh?
Or in the Ancient Greek,
"who-PUH-tee-uh?"
There's a lot of fun debate about this.
You know what, just call me Patty.
Okay, well, uh... Patty!
I'm a huge fan.
I had a poster of you
on my wall in high school.
Actually, it was just a poster
of Trinity from "The Matrix,"
but that's how I imagined you would look
because you're so cool!
Oh, is she the reason you
got beat up so much?
- She's one of 'em.
- Wanna get a milkshake?
I haven't been around
newbies in a while.
You're a little intense.
Let's get a milkshake.
Yeah, they make a milkshake here
that's made out of actual stardust.
- It's pretty good.
- Okay!
Yeah!
- Getting milkshakes with Patty.
- Yeah.
But can I ask you a couple
of questions first?
Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus,
who claimed that contemplation
of our ultimate reality...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you... what's it called, um...
a think-book-man?
No, um... a think-read-book-man.
- A philosopher, yes.
- Sorry!
It's been so long, my brain is foggy.
Listen carefully before
I forget how to say this:
you gotta help us, we are so screwed.
We are?
Hello.
I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm Paltibaal.
Welcome to paradise.
So, what's your story?
Did you cure something,
or invent something?
I helped the poor in Ancient Phoenicia.
Excellent!
I once had a Soul Cycle
instructor named Phoenicia.
How did you die?
I got a cut on my hand.
The year was 2491 BC,
so that's pretty much all it took.
You got a cut, or you drank
water that wasn't hot enough,
and then boom, dead.
I would've killed for a vaccine.
Any vaccine.
It's crazy that you guys
just don't like them now.
So what's your favorite
part about living here?
I mean, it's perfect.
We're all having orgasms
literally all the time.
I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.
Okay.
It's so nice to get to work
alongside another Good Janet.
Yes, it is.
Janet, can I get a Coke?
No, a water.
No, a lamp.
No, a cat.
So, people just ask you for things
with no rhyme or reason?
Yes, and then I get them for them.
- It's great.
- Can I get a spaceship?
No, one huge Junior Mint.
No, a Coke.
Wow, this milkshake is incredible.
- Right?
- Mmm!
This is how I spend most of my time.
Sitting in beautiful places,
drinking my milkshake,
slowly peeing into my pants,
which instantly evaporates
and leaves no trace.
- Sounds fun.
- Mm.
But didn't you want to tell
us how we're all screwed?
Ah! Damn it!
This is the exact problem!
On paper, this is paradise.
All your desires and needs are met,
but it's infinite, and when
perfection goes on forever,
you become this glassy-eyed mush person.
But... no! Because...
No. Because, Patty, no!
Yes, I'm telling you.
I used to be cool, man.
I studied so much things.
Art and music and the, um,
the one with the number piles?
Where I'd be like, "Two!"
and you'd be like, "Six!"
- Math?
- Yes!
And then I came here where
time stretched out forever,
and every second of my
existence was amazing,
but my brain became this big dumb blob.
So we finally make it
into the Good Place,
and now we're just gonna become zombies?
Why haven't you told anyone about this?
About what?
- Dude!
- Damn it!
We have to find the others. Right now.
Look, there's math on my shirt.
- Come on!
- Is it an "S" or a math?
Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi?
There's something very
wrong with this party,
and it's not just that the caviar
is being served on top of Jell-O shots.
We are the first new
people here in 500 years,
and no one seems to care.
I know, even the Good
Janets are kind of weird.
They're like, "Hi, there!"
When I do it, it's cool, but
when they do it, it's lame.
Hey, guys. Having fun? Great.
So, little update.
Um, the Good Place is a disaster.
Everyone here is a happiness zombie,
and no one is doing anything about it,
because by the time they
realize it's happening,
everyone is too far gone to care.
Oh, dear.
Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.
Hi, I'm milkshake.
Do you want a milkshake?
Okay, we need to tell someone
before we're too zonked out
to remember why we're here.
- We need to find the Committee.
- The Committee is me.
I am Committee. It me.
- What?
- They tricked me.
And put me in charge of the Good Place
and then literally ran away.
And then what happened?
The sorting hat put you in Hufflepuff?
Roasted.
Come on, I know we have problems.
- You can't expect me to ignore this.
- Hang on,
we're in paradise.
Surely, some people here
are enjoying themselves.
Hey, guys. I'm back.
Go-karting with monkeys
got boring really fast.
It did?
- Oh, no!
- Damn it!
Jason, your lifelong dream
got old that quickly?
I mean, monkeys and
go-karts was fun for a while,
then I was like, "Oh,
you know what'd be cool?
Hippos in go-karts."
And I was like, yo,
"What about Draculas with jetpacks?"
I did like 50 combos, and
then I just kind of wanted
to hang out with you guys again.
Okay, that's it in a nutshell.
'Cause you get here and you realize
that anything's possible,
and you do everything,
and then you're done.
But you still have infinity left.
This place kills fun, and passion,
and excitement, and love,
till all you have left are milkshakes.
The Good Place Committee
obviously knew about this.
Why didn't they try and solve it?
They did. They tried everything.
Just last week, they made
the unicorns bigger,
and then they gave them more horns,
and then they made them chubbier.
I mean, really, they just made
a bunch of weird fluffy rhinos.
The Committee members aren't human,
so they couldn't understand the problem.
The second I showed up,
they jumped off this sinking
ship and made me captain.
Well, I'm not giving up.
We worked too hard and
went through too much.
And I'm not just gonna sit
back and turn into some
slack-jawed sweatpant-wearing
orgasm machine.
Oh, my God, I'm describing my
dream existence like it's bad.
What is wrong with this place?
We just redesigned this system,
and soon millions of people
are going to start pouring in
thinking they're in paradise,
only to become a joyless husk.
It's Coachella.
We've invented Cosmic Coachella.
Oh, we have to fix this.
What if we do what I did to you
in the original Neighborhood?
Erase their memory
every once in a while?
That way, paradise would
seem fresh and new.
You were doing that to torture us.
Actual paradise can't use
the same playbook as hell.
Okay, well, I have a solution.
Remember what I said to you
when you were going through
your "midlife crisis, one earring,
red convertible" phase?
- "You look so stupid."
- After that.
You said that every human is
a little bit sad all the time,
because you know you're gonna die.
But that knowledge is
what gives life meaning.
The way to restore meaning to
the people in the Good Place
is to let them leave.
Leave? And go where?
This is the last...
Oh.
Can we just do that?
You're the head of the Good Place now.
Seems to me, you can
do whatever you want.
Where's Michael?
Okay.
Nothing to do but
announce the big change.
Whatever happens, it's cool, my babies.
It's very cool.
Did you smoke that weed, bud?
I did.
I was kind of freaked out,
so I smoked some grass,
but now I'm great.
Let's change the afterlife,
- and then Taco Bell.
- All right.
Oh!
- Baby!
- Okay.
I'm gonna do the talking.
Hi, everyone, can I have
your attention, please?
Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop.
Hope you're having fun
at our Flor-izona British
library extravaganza.
I guess you don't really
have fun anywhere,
which is the point.
It doesn't seem like this
is paradise for you.
You've basically been on
a never-ending vacation,
and vacations are only
special because they end.
So we have an idea.
We're gonna set up a new kind of door.
Um, somewhere peaceful,
so that when you feel happy
and satisfied and complete,
and you want to leave
the Good Place for good,
you can just walk through it,
and your time in the universe will end.
You don't have to go through
it if you don't want to,
but you can, and hopefully,
knowing that you don't
have to be here forever
will help you feel
happier while you are.
What will happen when we go through it?
Well, we don't really know, exactly.
All we know is, it will be peaceful,
and your journey will be over.
You led great lives.
You earned your place here.
So stay here as long as you like.
Use the Green Doors to see
and do every single thing
you want to see and do.
And when you're ready...
walk through one last door,
and be at peace.
Does that sound good?
Seems like they're into it.
It's DJ music, make some noise!
That's my boyfriend!
I'm glad you'll be able
to enjoy things again.
Art, math, philosophy, like you used to.
Yeah, me too.
I've been dreaming of ending the ennui
of this eternal existence
for a long time,
but now I think I'll stick
around for a while.
It felt good to, uh... make brain words.
Still mushy. I'll get it back.
We're lucky we ran into you.
It saved us.
That's not what saved you.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- It was your friendships.
- Yeah, I know, I got it.
Oh. Sorry.
Still not sharp.
Kept most of it the same.
Even made myself a office nearby.
Jason, I-I...
Kind of took a wild guess.
I finally get to accomplish my goal
of living in a Stupid Nick's!
I know anything you do
for eternity gets boring,
but I swear I will never
get sick of wings!
Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.
And every tomorrow after that.
You know, Michael,
at the end of the day,
you were right.
Everything is fine.
Hmm.
This is what we've been looking for
since the day we met.
Time.
I think that's what the
Good Place really is.
It's... not even a place,
really, it's just...
having enough time with
the people you love.
You're right.
And we have as long as we want.
If you keep hogging this blanket,
I'm probably gonna
walk through that door
in, like, three days, so...
I'll miss you.
It's the "me" of places!
I-I got in, I can say
stuff like that again.
Are you sure we're going
the right way, Janet?
Well, I've never been to the
Good Place before, but...
yes, I'm sure.
- How?
- Because...
it feels like I'm on my way home.
Flying puppy!
You're almost there!
Just a little further.
Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael,
why didn't you think of
that for your neighborhood?
These guys are good.
_
_
I feel just like Dorothy
when she lands in Oz.
Excited, incredulous,
much taller than
everyone else around me.
What's everyone wanna do first?
Racing go-karts with monkeys.
Sure.
It's my lifelong dream.
Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents.
They're funny enough to give the finger,
but not smart enough to win.
- _
- Does that mean me?
You're a Good Janet, and
we're in the Good Place.
I don't know who else it would mean.
Okay. No pressure.
I was born to do this... not born.
Okay, so I now know all the information
about the Good Place.
In a nutshell, it slaps.
First thing to tell you:
humans can't see the
Good Place all at once
or their brains will be scrambled.
Cool, maybe I'll finally get
some of those squigglies on my brain.
Doctor said my brain's
as smooth as an egg.
You all need to wait out here
for a bit so you can adjust.
When you're ready, you will be honored
with a welcome gala
magically planned by the Good Place
based on your personalities.
Like the "targeted
Instagram ad" of parties!
You know, I bought the
coolest sunglasses
from one of those ads.
Look.
Whoa.
It's like I'm inside the Internet.
Okay, can we just keep moving?
You look a little pale.
Did you get sick from
the hot air balloon?
I bet if you throw up
it'll just be butterflies
- or something.
- I'm fine, I just um...
I don't belong here.
There's no telling what will happen
to a demon who steps foot in this place.
Promise me if I'm vaporized,
you guys just keep having fun.
Oh, my goodness, that chime
is so soothing, it feels like
my brain is being massaged
- by a baby deer?
- Oh, boy.
What if that's some sort of demon alarm
to alert the cops that I'm here?
You want me to hold your weed?
I don't have weed.
Oh... Wait a minute.
Oh, yeah, okay, now I do.
Take this.
They're ready for you to move inside.
The Good Place Committee
is waiting for us.
_
- _
- Oh, man.
Look at this place!
Karlie Kloss did like me!
I knew it!
So about this party...
is everyone in the Good Place invited?
Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?
Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's
in the Bad Place.
- He defended slavery.
- Socrates?
No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
- Plato.
- Slavery again.
Oh, you know who is here?
Hypatia of Alexandria.
- Do you know her?
- Hypatia?
- Of Alexandria.
- That's right.
Uh, yeah, I know her.
Ooh, Hypatia!
I'm gonna ask her so many questions
pertaining to the grand
ideas about the universe,
like: "Why?"
Oh, oh, and also...
"How?"
- Ooh.
- Welcome to the Good Place, everyone.
Michael, so happy you made it.
You look radiant.
You have the calming yet
authoritative presence
of a bomb-sniffing dog.
I'd just like to say, thank you so much
for letting me be here with my friends.
I know it's unorthodox
for someone like myself
to visit the Good Place,
but it's just so wonderful,
and I don't have any weed on
me, so no need for the cops.
Michael, Michael.
You and your friends are heroes.
And you're more than welcome here.
In fact, we have some
very exciting news.
While the rest of you get settled in,
we want to give Michael
a swearing-in ceremony
so he can become an official
Good Place Architect.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Michael, please, follow us.
Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.
It really is the most incredible chime
I've ever heard, and that
is coming from someone
whose godfather is the most
famous clock in the world.
Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
- Mm-hmm.
- That sound means...
it's party time.
When you walk through,
the event space will transform
into a party perfectly
tailored to your essences.
Let's link arms and
walk through together.
- Weird...
- Whoa.
This is the Jacksonville
SuperSuites Hotel ballroom
where I had my prom
and also traffic court.
But this has to be my party, because...
that's the bed pan that
Stone Cold Steve Austin
used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!
It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.
I'm so sorry, guys.
The Good Place uses
your life experiences
to plan the perfect party,
but it's only designed for
one person at a time.
When you walked in as
a group, it became...
A mishmash of all four of us.
It's perfect.
Um, no it's not, Eleanor,
because there's no go-kart
track and no monkeys.
No offense, but you're being
a real smooth brain right now.
See those Green Doors?
You can use them to visit
any time or place,
real or imagined.
Just think about where you wanna go,
and what you wanna do,
and walk on through.
So, one could walk
amongst the dinosaurs,
or witness the very first
production of "Hamlet"
at the Globe Theater.
I'ma go Tokyo drift with monkeys!
See you in a thousand years!
Do you mind if I go find Hypatia?
I-I promise it's strictly platonic.
Technically Neoplatonic.
- Whoops.
- Forget I made that joke
and come with me.
I'm so nervous to meet her,
and I need someone cool there
to change the subject if
I say something dumb.
Sure, give me one sec.
Hey, Tahani.
This room is filled with some
of the most interesting people
that ever lived.
Chat them up, learn about their lives,
then... meet back here so
that we can make fun of them.
Eleanor Shellstrop.
I have been training for
this day my entire life.
I am so honored by this gesture.
This feels right.
This will be my new purpose.
Everything's falling into place.
Great, let's get to it.
Just put on this ceremonial robe.
Ha!
Boy, do you have the
shoulders for a robe.
- Oh.
- Just sign this scroll.
I've never signed my name before.
What signature type to choose?
A "Doctor blob," or no,
"Athlete who doesn't really
care about the kid."
Oh, wait, no.
"Middle school girl with
crush on Zac Efron."
That way, I can put a
little heart over the "I".
Perfect, and here is
your official medal.
Now I know what Mary
Lou Retton feels like.
And great, now you are
officially in charge
of the Good Place.
I'm sorry. "In charge"?
Yup, you're the boss now.
That was all legally binding,
and we all quit, effective immediately.
That is irreversible, so
it's all your problem now.
Don't try to find us,
no take-backs. Okay, bye-bye!
Hurry up, move, move, go, go! Go, go!
Hello? Fellow Good Placemen?
Anyone in here?
"Ideas for improving
the Good Place." Oh...
"Music you can eat."
Oh, boy. "Giant mini doughnuts,
not just regular doughnuts.
Dave will explain."
Dave?
Can you explain?
Hi, are you, uh...
are you... are you
Hypatia Of Alexandria?
Yup, how's it hangin'?
It's hanging really well!
Um, I-I gotta say,
I was expecting you to be
still, you know, Ancient Greek.
Oh, well, we sort of stay
current in this place.
One of the big things
from Earth recently,
um, the Industrial Revolution,
the Manhattan Project, Gangnam Style...
I feel like I get it.
It's really her. I can
just tell, somehow,
it's Hypatia of Alexandria.
I know, babe. Yes it is.
Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor.
This exuberant weirdo is Chidi.
We're new in town. First question:
How do you get the "of" in your name?
Is it just, like, where
you hung out the most?
Like, am I "Eleanor of the
Cheesecake Factory Bar"?
Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh?
Or in the Ancient Greek,
"who-PUH-tee-uh?"
There's a lot of fun debate about this.
You know what, just call me Patty.
Okay, well, uh... Patty!
I'm a huge fan.
I had a poster of you
on my wall in high school.
Actually, it was just a poster
of Trinity from "The Matrix,"
but that's how I imagined you would look
because you're so cool!
Oh, is she the reason you
got beat up so much?
- She's one of 'em.
- Wanna get a milkshake?
I haven't been around
newbies in a while.
You're a little intense.
Let's get a milkshake.
Yeah, they make a milkshake here
that's made out of actual stardust.
- It's pretty good.
- Okay!
Yeah!
- Getting milkshakes with Patty.
- Yeah.
But can I ask you a couple
of questions first?
Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus,
who claimed that contemplation
of our ultimate reality...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you... what's it called, um...
a think-book-man?
No, um... a think-read-book-man.
- A philosopher, yes.
- Sorry!
It's been so long, my brain is foggy.
Listen carefully before
I forget how to say this:
you gotta help us, we are so screwed.
We are?
Hello.
I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm Paltibaal.
Welcome to paradise.
So, what's your story?
Did you cure something,
or invent something?
I helped the poor in Ancient Phoenicia.
Excellent!
I once had a Soul Cycle
instructor named Phoenicia.
How did you die?
I got a cut on my hand.
The year was 2491 BC,
so that's pretty much all it took.
You got a cut, or you drank
water that wasn't hot enough,
and then boom, dead.
I would've killed for a vaccine.
Any vaccine.
It's crazy that you guys
just don't like them now.
So what's your favorite
part about living here?
I mean, it's perfect.
We're all having orgasms
literally all the time.
I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.
Okay.
It's so nice to get to work
alongside another Good Janet.
Yes, it is.
Janet, can I get a Coke?
No, a water.
No, a lamp.
No, a cat.
So, people just ask you for things
with no rhyme or reason?
Yes, and then I get them for them.
- It's great.
- Can I get a spaceship?
No, one huge Junior Mint.
No, a Coke.
Wow, this milkshake is incredible.
- Right?
- Mmm!
This is how I spend most of my time.
Sitting in beautiful places,
drinking my milkshake,
slowly peeing into my pants,
which instantly evaporates
and leaves no trace.
- Sounds fun.
- Mm.
But didn't you want to tell
us how we're all screwed?
Ah! Damn it!
This is the exact problem!
On paper, this is paradise.
All your desires and needs are met,
but it's infinite, and when
perfection goes on forever,
you become this glassy-eyed mush person.
But... no! Because...
No. Because, Patty, no!
Yes, I'm telling you.
I used to be cool, man.
I studied so much things.
Art and music and the, um,
the one with the number piles?
Where I'd be like, "Two!"
and you'd be like, "Six!"
- Math?
- Yes!
And then I came here where
time stretched out forever,
and every second of my
existence was amazing,
but my brain became this big dumb blob.
So we finally make it
into the Good Place,
and now we're just gonna become zombies?
Why haven't you told anyone about this?
About what?
- Dude!
- Damn it!
We have to find the others. Right now.
Look, there's math on my shirt.
- Come on!
- Is it an "S" or a math?
Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi?
There's something very
wrong with this party,
and it's not just that the caviar
is being served on top of Jell-O shots.
We are the first new
people here in 500 years,
and no one seems to care.
I know, even the Good
Janets are kind of weird.
They're like, "Hi, there!"
When I do it, it's cool, but
when they do it, it's lame.
Hey, guys. Having fun? Great.
So, little update.
Um, the Good Place is a disaster.
Everyone here is a happiness zombie,
and no one is doing anything about it,
because by the time they
realize it's happening,
everyone is too far gone to care.
Oh, dear.
Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.
Hi, I'm milkshake.
Do you want a milkshake?
Okay, we need to tell someone
before we're too zonked out
to remember why we're here.
- We need to find the Committee.
- The Committee is me.
I am Committee. It me.
- What?
- They tricked me.
And put me in charge of the Good Place
and then literally ran away.
And then what happened?
The sorting hat put you in Hufflepuff?
Roasted.
Come on, I know we have problems.
- You can't expect me to ignore this.
- Hang on,
we're in paradise.
Surely, some people here
are enjoying themselves.
Hey, guys. I'm back.
Go-karting with monkeys
got boring really fast.
It did?
- Oh, no!
- Damn it!
Jason, your lifelong dream
got old that quickly?
I mean, monkeys and
go-karts was fun for a while,
then I was like, "Oh,
you know what'd be cool?
Hippos in go-karts."
And I was like, yo,
"What about Draculas with jetpacks?"
I did like 50 combos, and
then I just kind of wanted
to hang out with you guys again.
Okay, that's it in a nutshell.
'Cause you get here and you realize
that anything's possible,
and you do everything,
and then you're done.
But you still have infinity left.
This place kills fun, and passion,
and excitement, and love,
till all you have left are milkshakes.
The Good Place Committee
obviously knew about this.
Why didn't they try and solve it?
They did. They tried everything.
Just last week, they made
the unicorns bigger,
and then they gave them more horns,
and then they made them chubbier.
I mean, really, they just made
a bunch of weird fluffy rhinos.
The Committee members aren't human,
so they couldn't understand the problem.
The second I showed up,
they jumped off this sinking
ship and made me captain.
Well, I'm not giving up.
We worked too hard and
went through too much.
And I'm not just gonna sit
back and turn into some
slack-jawed sweatpant-wearing
orgasm machine.
Oh, my God, I'm describing my
dream existence like it's bad.
What is wrong with this place?
We just redesigned this system,
and soon millions of people
are going to start pouring in
thinking they're in paradise,
only to become a joyless husk.
It's Coachella.
We've invented Cosmic Coachella.
Oh, we have to fix this.
What if we do what I did to you
in the original Neighborhood?
Erase their memory
every once in a while?
That way, paradise would
seem fresh and new.
You were doing that to torture us.
Actual paradise can't use
the same playbook as hell.
Okay, well, I have a solution.
Remember what I said to you
when you were going through
your "midlife crisis, one earring,
red convertible" phase?
- "You look so stupid."
- After that.
You said that every human is
a little bit sad all the time,
because you know you're gonna die.
But that knowledge is
what gives life meaning.
The way to restore meaning to
the people in the Good Place
is to let them leave.
Leave? And go where?
This is the last...
Oh.
Can we just do that?
You're the head of the Good Place now.
Seems to me, you can
do whatever you want.
Where's Michael?
Okay.
Nothing to do but
announce the big change.
Whatever happens, it's cool, my babies.
It's very cool.
Did you smoke that weed, bud?
I did.
I was kind of freaked out,
so I smoked some grass,
but now I'm great.
Let's change the afterlife,
- and then Taco Bell.
- All right.
Oh!
- Baby!
- Okay.
I'm gonna do the talking.
Hi, everyone, can I have
your attention, please?
Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop.
Hope you're having fun
at our Flor-izona British
library extravaganza.
I guess you don't really
have fun anywhere,
which is the point.
It doesn't seem like this
is paradise for you.
You've basically been on
a never-ending vacation,
and vacations are only
special because they end.
So we have an idea.
We're gonna set up a new kind of door.
Um, somewhere peaceful,
so that when you feel happy
and satisfied and complete,
and you want to leave
the Good Place for good,
you can just walk through it,
and your time in the universe will end.
You don't have to go through
it if you don't want to,
but you can, and hopefully,
knowing that you don't
have to be here forever
will help you feel
happier while you are.
What will happen when we go through it?
Well, we don't really know, exactly.
All we know is, it will be peaceful,
and your journey will be over.
You led great lives.
You earned your place here.
So stay here as long as you like.
Use the Green Doors to see
and do every single thing
you want to see and do.
And when you're ready...
walk through one last door,
and be at peace.
Does that sound good?
Seems like they're into it.
It's DJ music, make some noise!
That's my boyfriend!
I'm glad you'll be able
to enjoy things again.
Art, math, philosophy, like you used to.
Yeah, me too.
I've been dreaming of ending the ennui
of this eternal existence
for a long time,
but now I think I'll stick
around for a while.
It felt good to, uh... make brain words.
Still mushy. I'll get it back.
We're lucky we ran into you.
It saved us.
That's not what saved you.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- It was your friendships.
- Yeah, I know, I got it.
Oh. Sorry.
Still not sharp.
Kept most of it the same.
Even made myself a office nearby.
Jason, I-I...
Kind of took a wild guess.
I finally get to accomplish my goal
of living in a Stupid Nick's!
I know anything you do
for eternity gets boring,
but I swear I will never
get sick of wings!
Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.
And every tomorrow after that.
You know, Michael,
at the end of the day,
you were right.
Everything is fine.
Hmm.
This is what we've been looking for
since the day we met.
Time.
I think that's what the
Good Place really is.
It's... not even a place,
really, it's just...
having enough time with
the people you love.
You're right.
And we have as long as we want.
If you keep hogging this blanket,
I'm probably gonna
walk through that door
in, like, three days, so...
I'll miss you.