The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Whenever You're Ready - full transcript
Various conversations occur, between various groups of people.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
Attempt number 803 of my new project.
This is the one. I can feel it.
I'm ready.
And here we go.
♪ Riding on a groovy wave of love ♪
♪ I'm going for a cosmic ride ♪
♪ Surf the freaky purple vibes of love ♪
♪ The marshmallow cat ♪
♪ Is inside ♪
"The marshmallow cat is inside?"
That's what I wrote? That's meaningless.
- Janet.
- Hi, there.
How's the songwriting going?
I'm completely lost here,
and I can't do the stupid E chord.
Would you like a magic guitar
that plays all the notes for you?
It's the number one
request among men over 50
who have gotten in here.
No, the whole point is
to learn how to do stuff
without using afterlife magic.
You know, maybe keep it on deck.
- I don't know, whatever.
- We should go, by the way.
We're gonna be late.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, where does the time go?
♪ Surfing the freaky purple ♪
[HUMS]
So ultimately, this all goes back
to a line from Professor May's book:
"Mortality offers meaning to our lives,
and morality helps
navigate that meaning."
Wait, what I think it says
is that mortality offers meaning
to the events of our lives.
Uh, check yourself, rando.
I think Chidi Anagonye,
who literally designed the afterlife,
knows what he's talking about.
Look, I'm pretty sure I'm right,
since it's, like, my book.
Yes, Professor May,
you're probably right
about what you wrote. [LAUGHS, SNORTS]
Still think he should check himself.
Okay, everyone, we'll see
you all here next week.
Professor Hieronymi will be
teaching the trolley problem.
Bring ponchos. It gets messy.
You ready, Chidi?
[WHOOSHES]
[MIMICKING CAR AND EXPLOSION SOUNDS]
Hello, Jeff. I see the
collection's grown.
Sure has. I have 322 frog things now.
323! I just got another one!
Ha!
Never not excited about frogs, that guy.
He knows what he likes.
This meeting of the Joint
Council of Afterlife Affairs
is called to order.
Let's make this quick, kids.
I just started rewatching
"The Leftovers."
Honestly, when I found out
that Carrie Coon was never nominated,
I almost erased 2% of humanity.
Michael, update?
Things are going fairly well.
A new crop of humans
just passed their tests.
Among the notables who got in,
Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston,
- Saint Thomas Aquinas...
- Yes!
Eighth-century Sufi mystic
poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri,
and Clara Peller.
She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.
- Oh.
- "Where's the beef?" lady got in.
So, that's fun.
Honestly, our biggest problem
is that we need more
architects and actors.
Well, sorry, but these
younger demon actors
have no dedication to their craft.
They think they can just start acting.
They have to learn that
acting is reacting,
and reacting is pre-acting,
but pre-acting, well,
that's just being.
Okay, take it down a
notch, Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Shawn, what you got?
- Well,
I'll begin by saying that
this new system stinks,
and Michael stinks,
and we should throw
this all in the garbage
and go back to the way it used to be
when everyone was tortured.
There's still some bumps in the road,
but this system is good,
and it's working.
Come on, admit it.
I will never,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever,
admit that.
I know, buddy. I know.
[CHEERY MUSIC]
_
_
What time is it?
I don't know.
Really?
Yeah.
At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago,
I turned off my ability
to know what time it is
anywhere in the universe
when you and I are together.
I like not knowing.
It's 10:42 a.m. Sorry.
Saying out loud that I
didn't know something
made me feel weird.
Man, I feel weird when
I do know something.
You and I are very different.
Okay, gotta go meet my dad.
I'm gonna try one more time.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
[SHUDDERS] I'm freaking out, man.
You got this, dawg.
One more play, for all the marbles.
I love you, and I believe in you.
Thanks, Dad. [INHALES] Okay.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Here we go.
Bortles gonna throw.
Yes!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
You did it!
It took you more than 433,000 tries,
but you just played the
perfect game of Madden!
You did it!
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
I did it.
♪ ♪
- Janet?
- Hi, there.
Hi, Janet. I made dinner.
You always make it for me, so this time,
I wanted to make it, and real talk,
it didn't go great.
This is spaghetti.
Now, I know it looks weird,
but I bit off a chunk, and actually,
it's pretty bad.
Also, I put out the forks and knives
the way kings and queens do it.
Close to the plates.
- Also...
- Uh-oh.
Oh, dip.
Yeah.
So...
I need to talk to everyone.
Should I ask them to come here?
No, I...
I had a better idea.
- [WHOOSHES]
- [CHUCKLING SOFTLY]
- Hello, you two.
- Hi.
What fun meeting back here.
Wow, you even restored it
to the way it used to look.
What inspired this, J-Dog?
You get a hankering for frozen yogurt?
No.
I have an announcement to make.
I'm leaving.
Going through the door.
Wow.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I am. It's time.
We thought the best move was
to gather everyone together
for a sort of farewell party.
We're gonna eat and drink,
and there will be dancing.
Fun.
Whee!
Okay, homies, you're sad.
I can tell 'cause you have
the same looks on your faces
that my teachers did whenever
I raised my hand in class.
But let's be happy.
I'm gonna DJ!
We'll play EDM all night.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- [GROANS]
- Oof.
Now I'm bummed about two things.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
♪ ♪
- Hey there, Doug.
- Hi.
- Having fun?
- I've had so much chicken!
It's probably good you
chose your young body.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm okay, Michael. How are you?
Well, I'm sad,
and I know you're the most
advanced being in the universe,
but I feel like I need to tell you,
it's okay if you're sad too.
I know.
And I am a little, but also,
I know this is the right
time for him to leave.
I really am okay, I promise.
Will you come talk to me if you're not?
Always.
How y'all doing tonight?
[ALL CHEERING]
Okay, homies, we got
a real special treat.
My old dance crew Dance
Dance Resolution is here.
Y'all ready to tear it up one last time?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yes! Yes!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SIGHS]
That was special.
I'll never forget this night.
Until I walk through the door
and dissolve into the universe.
Can I ask you something, buddy?
How did you know?
It wasn't like I heard a
bell ring or anything.
I just suddenly had this calm feeling,
like the air inside my lungs
was the same as the air outside my body.
It was peaceful.
You know the feeling when you think
a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot,
but you bite into it anyway
and it's actually the
perfect temperature?
Believe it or not,
I do know that feeling.
- That feeling rules.
- There you go!
Uh,
can I get your advice on something?
I'm scared Janet's gonna forget me.
Her falling in love with someone else,
I'm fine with that. Like, if Jason Momoa
or if Lara Croft Tomb Raider gets in,
and Janet's like, "That's what's up,"
totally cool, but her forgetting me
would be sad,
so I made her this.
What do you guys think?
It's lovely.
But she's not gonna forget you, man.
I mean,
she literally can't.
She remembers everything
that ever happened.
Even if she could forget someone,
I don't think she's gonna forget you.
Thanks.
When I had Jason, I was 18 years old.
In many ways, Jason raised me
just as much as I raised him.
So, thanks for being a great dad, son.
I love you, Dad!
[ALL CHEERING]
Jason is the realest dude ever.
I mean, none of us are real anymore.
We're all just Caspers
the Ghost and whatnot,
which is funny 'cause me
and Jason ain't even white.
Why are all ghosts white?
Aw, dip. Are ghosts racist?
What I'm trying to say
is, I love you, dawg,
you're my hero, you're my best friend,
and you're my Gardner Minshew.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you want.
Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
♪ ♪
I love you, Janet.
I love you too, Jason.
I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.
- Hmm.
- I made you something.
Aw, dip, I lost it.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not.
I made you this cool
thing so you remember me
even when you're married to Aquaman,
and I lost it somewhere in this forest.
Some magical squirrel probably ate it.
Jason, it's okay.
I'm never gonna forget you.
In fact, to me, you won't
even really be gone.
I don't experience time
the same way you do.
I kind of live all times at once.
I know what you mean.
Once, I smoked salvia,
and saw the past and the
future at the same time.
Then I tried to brush
my teeth with my cat.
To me,
remembering moments with you
is the same as living in them.
Can you just remember the happy times
and forget the bad stuff?
There was no bad stuff.
It was all good.
♪ ♪
_
Wow.
These spindles are gorgeous.
And there's almost a
feeling of musculature
to this transition.
The oak just sort of told me the shape
before I even got to the spoke shave.
This under-bevel is a great trick.
It really makes it feel lighter
while leaving you plenty
of beef to carve.
It's really just a modified Danish line.
Still, you made it your own.
This is as good a chair as I've seen.
I have nothing left to teach you.
[GASPS] Hurrah!
Thank you!
Janet!
- Hi there.
- Call up the list please.
Congratulations.
Actually, I just finished
repaving my driveway yesterday,
so cross that one off too.
Before you start your next project,
you should know, that thing
that you asked me to tell
you when it happened?
It happened.
I mean, they've gone through the system,
so they'll be a little different, right?
One would hope. [SIGHS]
I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad.
I've only ever stood
silently behind their chairs
while they ate lobster tail
with Oscar de la Renta.
I'm right here.
We will get through this together.
Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]
Mother, Father, welcome to...
My darlings!
My darlings. Oh!
Oh, my little girls.
We love you both so much.
So very much.
We have a million things
to talk to you about,
but first, we are sorry.
We'll just be endlessly
sorry forever and ever.
Holy crap.
[WHISPERING] I know, right?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ ♪
Ugh.
For the 1,000,000th time,
they've sent us teddy bears and flowers.
You think they'd understand
that we can get these things
ourselves if we want.
[YELPS]
Ah, that's lovely.
Thanks.
You know, I never thought
I would say this,
but I'm getting a little
bored of Mum and Dad
telling us how much they love us.
Yes.
Isn't that something?
♪ ♪
Well, this may not come as
a surprise to any of you,
but...
I'm ready to go.
Aw, nuts. I knew it.
- You finished everything on your list?
- I did.
I learned how to install a bathtub,
fly a helicopter, defuse a bomb,
deliver the perfect backhand slice.
My last goal was to spend one
meaningful day with my parents,
and now I've spent thousands of them.
I feel complete.
Would you like me to prepare
a farewell party for you?
No need. I've done it myself.
I've cooked all the food,
mixed all the drinks,
made all the furniture,
repainted all the walls,
and trained all the animals.
Champagne?
Uh, sure. Thank you, panda.
Also, I've already said good-bye
to everyone else in my life.
My sister, my parents, B and J.
They took it very hard.
Tonight, it's just us.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I hate to tell you this,
but your risotto was
just a little sticky.
- Was it?
- No, damn it, it was amazing.
Just trying to figure
out a way to get you
to hang around for a few more Bearimies.
- [SIGHS]
- Can I tell you something?
You're my role model.
[SNORTS] Come on.
- I'm serious.
- Babe,
you were already the
most impressive person
I ever met,
and now you can do literally everything.
If that's true,
it's because you inspired me.
I admire you so very much.
Your strength, your
toughness, your self-esteem,
not to mention you have a rocking bod.
Did you just turn the tables on me?
I got nothing left to teach you.
- Janet.
- Hi there.
One more goal to add to the list please.
- _
- Now cross it off.
[LAUGHS]
I know we already said good-bye.
I'm not even here.
I just had to see you one last time,
because I hooked up with
Alexander the Great!
And it was more like Alexander the Fine.
Okay, anyway, I love you,
I love you, good-bye forever.
- Bye, love!
- Bye!
I admire your breadth of knowledge.
I can only do one thing:
be an architect.
I've spent the last 500 Bearimies
trying to learn how to play the guitar,
and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."
Don't sell yourself short, Michael.
I dare say you're the greatest
architect in existence,
and I should know.
ALL: Frank Gehry is my godfather.
Fair enough. I deserved that.
[LAUGHING] Oh, Tahani,
I'm gonna miss you, babe.
[LAUGHS]
Wait.
I don't want to leave.
Great!
Then stay. New party, everyone.
- A staying party.
- Whoo!
No. I-I also don't want to stay.
I'm done here, but I
don't want to go there.
It's kind of your only options.
No, they aren't.
I want to learn to do
what you do, Michael.
I want to be an architect.
Design afterlives.
[LAUGHS] Tahani, you're
a wonderful person,
but you're a person. It's impossible.
Nonsense! I can learn.
Just like I learned
all this other stuff.
I've spent most of my life
pretending to help people.
If I were an architect,
I could do it for real.
Let me at least try.
Don't make me talk to your manager.
- Oh!
- BOTH: Ooh!
- That's my girl!
- Oh.
Hey, Jeff.
Boy, kind of getting
away from you here, huh?
Yeah.
I love frogs though, so it's awesome.
I did bring you one.
Oh, thanks, Tahani.
Just toss it on the pile.
Hang on, hang on.
So, you can never tell a woman to smile?
What if she'd legitimately
be prettier if she smiled?
- _
- Aren't I helping her?
Glenn, Beadie,
this is your new intern, Tahani.
Tahani!
This is so neat. I haven't seen you
since I was exploded into goo.
I didn't get any me on you, did I?
You did, but it's all
goo under the bridge.
Anyway, I want to learn everything.
I shall start at the
bottom and earn my way up.
To wit, would anyone like
a cup of antimatter?
Sure, I take mine with
nondairy neutrinos.
Coming right up.
[SIGHING] Thank you,
Michael, for everything.
You're welcome.
I brought you a little "first
day on the job" present.
[CHUCKLES]
Once you're a big deal around here,
I hope you don't mind if I
brag about knowing you.
Name-dropping's a
little gauche, Michael,
but do as you must.
Hmm.
_
"Working out the terms
of moral justification
is an unending task."
Boom!
I did it!
It only took me 2,000 Bearimies,
but I finally finished that book.
Ha-ha, sucker!
Reading you was an unending task,
but I freaking did it!
- Congrats, babe.
- Thanks.
- What are you reading?
- "The Da Vinci Code."
- Really?
- Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes
of reading the most difficult
writings in the world,
I've acquired a new passion.
Garbage books.
Hey, do you think I would've
been a good symbologist,
if that were a real job?
Yes, I do. Ya very cute.
- Come on. We gotta go to dinner.
- Oh.
I cannot believe she
learned to cook this well.
When I first met Tahani on Earth,
she was trying to shove jewelry
into a vending machine.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, well, if she is an architect,
then she should design my idea.
A karaoke room that's
also a tanning bed.
Ooh, yes, and, like, the
harder you commit to the song,
like, the tanner you get?
I gotta say, I am so glad
that going through the system
did not totally change
you two ding-dongs.
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
- Oh. For dessert,
we have to get the tiramisu.
Man.
Chidi Anagonye just
casually making choices.
I never thought I'd live to see it.
I mean, I guess I didn't.
- Oh, that's right!
- [LAUGHTER]
'Cause we're all dead!
[ALL CHEERING]
That was so fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's always fun to see them.
Every time we do it, it's fun.
I had coffee with my mom the other day,
and she says hi,
but she also finally
learned how to pronounce
your mom's name.
Which is good.
Yeah, yeah, they were joking about that
last time we saw them.
- Mm.
- Remember?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Shakespeare went through the door.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Everyone's talking about it.
- It's probably for the best.
His last 4,000 plays
were not nearly as good
as the ones he wrote on Earth.
I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2:
Here We Blow Again?"
Woof.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You mind if we go home?
I'm tired.
Sure.
- All right.
- Okay.
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Um...
I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Cool. I'm gonna take a little stroll.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
Dude.
Oh, hey, perfect.
Are these good lyrics?
♪ The psychedelic stardust
and moonbeam banana ♪
No, stop, that's terrible,
and we got a problem.
I think Chidi's gonna leave.
Really?
Did he say he was ready?
He didn't say exactly that,
but he's getting close. I can tell.
I need to do something to
shake things up, you know?
Light a spark.
Oh! Janet?
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I think Chidi's almost ready
to walk through the door,
and I need to keep him here, so, um,
can you make me a bed shaped
like a giant highlighter
and, like, a sexy edible
valedictorian robe?
No, I think this calls
for something spiritual.
Ah, okay, but if I do this right,
my man's gonna be talking to God.
You know what I mean?
Wait, what do you mean?
Forgive me, Eleanor,
but if Chidi's ready to go,
it's time for him to go.
Ah, he didn't say that yet though.
We're in classic Chidi grey area.
You need to remind him
of what's great about this place.
Oh, oh.
Remember where he took us,
like, the first month
- when we were all together?
- Oh, great idea. Yes.
- Janet, set the scene.
- Okay.
Would you like it restored
to its original glory?
No.
The first time he went,
he was in college.
Have it look and feel
exactly like it was
that day when he fell in love with it.
Also, pack me the edible robe.
That might seal the deal.
Okay. You're all set.
Hey, guess what?
Surprise trip. Come on.
Surprise trip? Now?
Yeah. Special fun trip, just us two.
Let's go.
Can I change out of my pajamas first?
Let the door do it! Come on!
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Oh.
Oh, man, Eleanor.
Right?
We haven't been here in so long.
Athens.
Man, this city, it takes
my breath away every time.
Talk it out, bud.
Tell me everything you
know about this place
because, full disclosure,
I didn't really listen the
first time you told me.
[LAUGHS] Well, I mean,
that's the Acropolis.
Oh, and this is the Pnyx.
Thousands of Athenians would gather here
and listen to people discuss
their city and its laws
from that stage right there.
This is literally where
democracy started.
Well, that's fine and
dandy, but as you may know,
I'm kind of a philosophy gal.
Where were the big brains hanging out?
Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes,
they all gathered right
here in the agora.
It was like the Avengers,
but for super thinkers.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on. You brought me here.
You knew what was gonna happen.
No, I love that you're so happy.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Is it weird that when I
picture ancient Greeks,
I make them really hot?
Like, to me, Aristotle is basically
John Stamos with a beard.
Honestly, that's kind of
how I picture him too.
Good, same page.
♪ ♪
What's this called again? Koulouvi?
Koulouri,
and I lived on these when I was here.
I like to picture young
Chidi Anagonye here,
reading, nerding out,
treating himself to a koulouri,
if he had an astute insight
into Aristotelian virtue ethics.
Oh, that... is accurate.
That is an accurate picture
of 20-year-old me.
This was so special.
Thank you.
Should we head home?
Nope, because...
we're not done yet.
There's more special trip.
- Janet?
- Hi there.
You enjoying your trip, Chidi?
Yes, we are, but it's not over yet.
We are ready to head to
destination number two.
- Remember?
- Yes, of course.
Head right this way.
♪ ♪
Oh, man. Oh, wow.
Paris.
Yes, Paris, obviously.
My favorite city.
And you even picked the ideal weather.
Overcast and chilly.
Perfect for staying inside and reading.
Is this what you were hinting to me?
I was thinking Six Flags,
but this is way better.
I used to come to this café
every day when I lived here.
I tried to sit in a
different seat each time
so I could eventually say
that I definitely sat
in the exact same place
as Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir,
Richard Wright, Brecht, James Baldwin.
Well, we got all the time
in the world now, baby.
Put that booty in a
seat warmed by history.
Eleanor, I know what you're doing.
Being the best eternal girlfriend ever?
Guilty.
Let's take a walk.
So, Eleanor,
here it is.
I love you,
completely and utterly.
Oh, crap.
But I have to go.
But you don't though.
You don't have to go.
You don't have to leave me.
I don't want to leave you.
I'm just ready to leave.
I have the same feeling
that the others described,
a kind of quietude in my soul.
But you just had it.
What if those other dummies
didn't wait long enough,
and the feeling fades,
and you get to spend
another billion Bearimies
in fake afterlife Europe with
your kickass girlfriend?
I didn't just have it.
I've had it a long time.
Remember that day we
were with our parents?
My mom kissed you good-bye,
and got lipstick on your cheek,
and your mom rubbed it off.
I don't know why that was it, but...
that was it.
And I didn't want to tell you because...
because.
No, man, this can't be...
because Jason's gone,
Tahani's off doing her thing,
and I'm not ready to go,
so if you leave, then I'm alone here.
I was alone my whole life,
and I told myself I like
it that way, but I don't.
I like being with you.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC]
Okay, I won't go.
- Really?
- Yeah, I won't go.
There's...
there is still plenty to do.
I'll stay.
Who's ready for Six Flags?
Oh, we're good.
We got it. He's gonna stay.
Turn into birds and fly to Notre Dame?
Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower
and throw water balloons
onto imaginary tourists?
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Whatever you want to do.
Okay, well, let's freshen up,
have dinner at some schmancy restaurant,
order a million-dollar bottle of wine,
even though it tastes exactly
like cheap, stupid wine,
and sit in a room at the George V
and watch "Real Housewives"
of whatever city they're
doing that in now.
Love it.
I'm gonna walk around
my old neighborhood.
See where I used to live.
Meet you at the restaurant?
- Yeah.
- All right.
♪ ♪
Let's see what's on the menu.
Literally anything you
could possibly imagine.
Hmm. What are you thinking?
"Working out the terms
of moral justification
is an unending task."
That's what I was thinking about.
That sentence.
You want to eat that
sentence for dinner?
Can we eat words,
'cause I asked Janet about this and...
No, no, it's the last
line of Scanlon's book.
- Remember?
- Ah.
The whole book is about how
we should try to find rules
other people can't reasonably reject,
and then he ends it by saying,
"The search for how to find those rules
will go on forever."
I proposed a rule
that Chidis shouldn't
be allowed to leave
because it would make Eleanors sad,
and I could do this forever,
zip you around the universe
showing you cool stuff,
and I'd still never
find the justification
for getting you to stay.
Because it's a selfish rule.
I owe it to you
to let you go.
[SORROWFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I was never good at being sad.
Partly because my mom straight
up told me not to be.
But this is sad, man.
You got a John Locke quote
or piece of Kantian wisdom
you can throw at me?
Those guys were more focused
on rules and regulations.
For spiritual stuff,
you gotta turn to the East.
I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Picture a wave
in the ocean.
You can see it, measure it, its height,
the way the sunlight refracts
when it passes through,
and it's there,
and you can see it, you know what it is.
It's a wave.
And then it crashes on the shore,
and it's gone.
But the water is still there.
The wave was just a...
a different way for the water to be
for a little while.
That's one conception of
death for a Buddhist.
The wave returns to the ocean,
where it came from,
and where it's supposed to be.
Not bad, Buddhists.
Not bad.
None of this is bad.
♪ ♪
I need you to do me one last favor.
Mm-hmm?
Say good-bye to me now,
and leave before I wake up.
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you'd like,
and whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
I'm ready.
Oh, dip! You're back.
- Jason?
- Yeah!
What... but how...
why...
Funny story.
Remember how I made you something,
and I thought I lost it because
it wasn't in my pocket?
- Uh-huh?
- Turns out it was in my other pocket!
By the time I found it, you were gone.
I was just gonna leave it for you,
but I was worried it would get eaten
by that magic squirrel.
So, I decided to wait
for you to come back.
Every so often, a different Janet came,
but I knew it wasn't you.
Jason, it's been, like,
a thousand Bearimies.
I know, but I wanted to see you again.
It was actually pretty easy to wait.
I sort of just sat quietly
and let my mind drift away.
Thought about you,
and the infinity of the universe.
Kind of like a monk.
What do you mean?
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Looks good, not-a-girl.
♪ ♪
Chidi, wait up!
_
Hey-oh!
Time to go nuts, 'cause
I brought donuts...
Huh, no one's here.
Shoot. That was gonna be a big laugh.
Hey, sweetie. Did you
not get the message?
No. Why, was the meeting cancelled?
Uh, yeah. Forever.
We dissolved the council.
- What?
- We don't need it anymore.
Your system's working perfectly.
Millions of humans passing
their tests, you know.
Oh, Vicky's really killing
it on the training,
so it's all good.
Well... [STUTTERS] All right,
well... hang on, now.
Look, how are we even sure
that this is the right system?
I mean, honestly,
I think Shawn was right.
This whole thing sucks and
we should start from scratch.
Relax, worrywart. Take a load off.
Huh? Enjoy yourself.
You know what I just
discovered recently?
Podcasts.
There's, like, a billion of them
and they just keep coming.
- Hmm.
- Now scoot.
I got a new Radiolab to listen to
about how clams learn.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Pretty excited.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[VCR CLICKING]
I love you.
And you don't need to respond,
'cause I know you have
trouble saying how you feel.
I love you too.
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh. Hey, what's up?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah, sure, why not?
- Hey, Derek?
- Yes, Mindy?
What can Derek do for you?
Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit,
so go into your nether sphere.
That's Derek?
Mindy has rebooted Derek
more than 151 million times.
Derek is now both a
singular point in space,
and yet, Derek also
contains space itself.
The nexus of Derek is without dimension.
The moment of Derek's creation
and the eventual heat
death of the universe
are now inexorably the same.
Ugh, you are so annoying!
[WHOOSHES]
Want a beer?
So that's how you spend your days?
Wandering around,
searching for the thing
that makes you complete?
Pretty much.
I thought it was connected
to my parents or my friends,
but now I think it might
be something else.
I think it might be you.
I think my final mission
might be to convince you
to go through the system. Take the test.
You know, when I first met you,
I thought, "Oof,
"well, there's a chick I understand.
Lone wolf, totally independent,
knows what she wants."
BOTH: Cocaine and self-pleasure.
Right. But I actually think
you're a version of me
if I'd never met my friends.
You're like the worst-case scenario
of what I could have become.
- No offense.
- None taken.
Look, the thing is, Eleanor,
I am fine with where I am.
See, I don't think you are.
Or at least, you could be better.
If we're cut from the same cloth,
then trust me.
There is greater happiness
waiting for you
if you form bonds with other people,
and I think you know that.
You told me about me
and Chidi that time.
You showed me the tape.
You said you were rooting for us.
I think you have the ability to care.
I don't know.
Caring just seems like
- a lot of work.
- Mm.
And I have been on my own for so long.
I can't imagine putting my fate
in the hands of some stranger.
I thought you might say that.
Hello, gorgeous.
Eleanor.
And Mindy St. Claire, as
I neither live nor breathe!
What brings you ladies here?
Trying to convince Mindy
to enter the system
after all this time.
She's a little worried
about who might end up
designing her test...
Say no more. I'm on the case.
Really? Are you, like,
certified or whatever?
Well, not yet, but it won't
be long, right, Shawn?
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Oh, I think you'll find
that Tahani will be certified very soon.
Did that sound evil?
I didn't mean it to. I was sincere.
Force of habit. I do think
you'll find that Tahani
will be certified
ve... hmm.
Shut up, Glenn.
Great. So, you go back to your old life,
chill with your floating Derek head,
when Tahani gets certified,
you enter the system,
Tahani designs your test. Deal?
Why not? Something new.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks for giving a crap about me.
I don't really give a crap about myself,
so it's nice that someone does.
I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.
Me too.
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you want.
Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
Well, good, 'cause I'm definitely ready.
I'm ready.
I'm not ready.
Damn it, Janet. What the fork?
I should be ready and I'm not.
But I am.
Michael, what are you doing?
I'm going through the door.
There's nothing left for me to do.
I feel sated and complete.
I'm not sure you're thinking
this through, dude.
Yes, I am. A calm has washed over me.
Blah, blah, blah.
Good-bye.
♪ ♪
Did I go through the wrong way?
Wait, wait, just one minute.
I know this is gonna look silly
but it probably will work.
[GRUNTING]
Michael, what are you doing?
I am returning my damn essence
to the damn fabric of the damn universe.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, there we go.
It's working now.
It's working.
I'm leaving.
Bye.
It's not working because you're looking.
- Stop looking.
- Michael, that door is not for you.
Why not? I invented the damn thing!
You know, this stinks.
You guys get to move on,
but I am trapped here forever?
How's that fair? Oh, I got it.
Eleanor, come here.
You go through and give me a piggyback.
- We can trick it.
- Ooh, no. Ow!
- Ow! Ow! Michael, no!
- Hold still... well, hold...
Michael! All right.
Come with me. [SIGHS]
Fire squids are heavy.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
New people are getting in all the time.
Tahani's still around.
Maybe you team up with her,
design some afterlife neighborhoods?
I did that already, remember?
Spent 50 Bearimies
making new neighborhoods
for new residents.
When you've already
designed the ultimate one,
it's kind of a letdown.
I've loved being here, but Jason's gone.
Chidi's gone.
You know, even Doug Forcett
went through the door.
That was probably for the best.
That guy partied so
hard when he was here.
I guess I'll just stay
here forever, you know?
Putter around doing mundane things
like some sad old retiree.
Maybe I'll have Janet
make me a hardware store
so I can buy a hex wrench
that I don't really need.
Cockamamie!
That's what I think of your plan.
I think it's cockamamie.
I think it's a great plan,
and I bet deep down, you do too.
It sets a bad precedent.
Babe, no one else is ever
gonna want to do this.
Plus, if they ask,
you just say, "Sure, pal,
"go save every soul in the universe,
and then we got a deal."
And think about it this way:
If you do this,
you'll never have to hear from any of us
ever again.
Ooh.
Now that sounds tempting.
'Cause y'all are annoying.
I mean, you did save
the universe and all,
but your tone.
- It's your tone.
- I know.
[DOOR OPENS, WHOOSHES]
Michael?
Come on in.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
All my Earth stuff.
Oh, my old bowling ball.
Oh, hi, paper clips.
What prompted all this?
You know, it took me a
while to figure it out,
but earlier,
when you were walking back
and forth through the door,
it hit me.
You will never be at peace
until you get the one
thing you truly want.
I'm...
I'm gonna be...
A real boy, Pinocchio.
The Judge gave me the power
to make you an actual human.
Good-bye, fire squid.
Hello, silver fox.
Oh, Eleanor!
Oh, my goodness!
Now, you need to be sure about this.
You're gonna live down
there for, like...
some amount of time,
you'll die, really die,
then you'll enter an afterlife test,
be judged on what you
did, the whole deal.
At least so we think.
While you're down there,
this entire system could be changed.
Shawn might launch a coup.
Someone could design a whole new system.
You won't really know
what's going to happen to you.
That's what makes it special.
I won't exactly know
what's going to happen
after I die.
Nothing more human than that.
Besides texting people that
you're five minutes away
when you haven't even left the house.
Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you.
♪ ♪
You're very welcome.
Hey, Mike. Where you headed today?
- Earth, actually.
- Oh.
Been a while.
Here's the return clicker.
No need. One-way trip.
Wow.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thank you.
I have something for you.
Yeah?
- He's real!
- [LAUGHS]
It's real! He's a real frog!
- Yes, it sure is.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Thank you. And you know what?
I got the perfect name for him.
Mr. Jumpy Legs.
Oh.
I thought you were gonna...
Never mind.
[LAUGHS] Hello, Mr. Jumpy Legs!
Okay.
So, here's your driver's license
and your Social Security card.
I set up a bank account for you.
There's enough money in there
so that you don't starve,
but not so much that you
become an entitled jerk.
Thank you, Janet.
Make a doctor's appointment as
soon as you get down there.
And no salty food.
You have to keep your
blood pressure down.
You have blood now.
I'll be fine. I'll be okay.
I know. I just worry.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I'll see you again, you know.
I'll see you when I get back.
[VOICE BREAKING] Okay.
♪ ♪
If you rent a car, don't
pay for the insurance.
It's a scam. Okay.
♪ ♪
[SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY]
Man, it's hot.
But it's a... it's a dry heat.
So, as I mentioned before,
you can sit on this bench
as long as you want,
and whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
Care to join me for a bit?
[RELAXED MUSIC]
Margarita?
Always.
- [LAUGHS]
- Mmm.
Okay, top three moments
of your not-life with us. Go.
You telling us that we should
try to help other people on Earth,
the moment that we all got
into the Good Place for real,
and then it's an 8-million-way tie
of every time Jason and I kissed.
- He was a really good kisser.
- I bet he was.
I wonder how Michael's doing.
I assume he's doing the
same as every human.
- ALL: Three, two, one...
- Some good days.
ALL: Happy New Year!
Some bad days.
She's gonna be okay.
This city has really good hospitals.
He's got a few friends.
Such a good boy, Jason.
Such a good boy.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
A few people he can't stand.
[GRUMBLES]
_
He's learning some things
- all by himself.
- Oh, geez, ow!
[LAUGHS]
And hopefully learning to ask
for help when he needs it.
_
Guitar like this. Fingers this way.
[STRUMS A CHORD]
[LAUGHS]
You have no idea how long
I've been trying to figure that out.
Well, everybody needs a teacher.
So do it again.
He's messing up,
and trying again, and messing up again,
and then getting things wrong,
and then trying to make them right.
That's what everyone does.
- To Michael.
- To Michael.
What do you think happens
when people walk through the door?
It's the only thing in the
universe I don't know.
I don't know either.
The wave returns to the ocean.
What the ocean does with
the water after that
is anyone's guess.
But as a very wise
not-robot once told me,
true joy is in the mystery.
Do you mind if I stay
here until you're gone?
Only if you say that thing I taught you.
I hate to see you walk
through the final door
at the edge of existence,
- but I love to watch you leave.
- There we go.
♪ ♪
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[KEYS JINGLE]
Hey, this was delivered to
my building by mistake.
- I think it's yours.
- Oh, hey.
- Thanks so much.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS] Oh, wow.
I think I know what this is.
Oh.
Oh, my.
- _
- Oh, my. Look at that.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so very, very much.
Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.
I'll do you one better.
I'll say this to you, my friend,
with all the love in my heart
and all the wisdom of the universe.
Take it sleazy.
[CHUCKLES]
All right.
♪ ♪
Attempt number 803 of my new project.
This is the one. I can feel it.
I'm ready.
And here we go.
♪ Riding on a groovy wave of love ♪
♪ I'm going for a cosmic ride ♪
♪ Surf the freaky purple vibes of love ♪
♪ The marshmallow cat ♪
♪ Is inside ♪
"The marshmallow cat is inside?"
That's what I wrote? That's meaningless.
- Janet.
- Hi, there.
How's the songwriting going?
I'm completely lost here,
and I can't do the stupid E chord.
Would you like a magic guitar
that plays all the notes for you?
It's the number one
request among men over 50
who have gotten in here.
No, the whole point is
to learn how to do stuff
without using afterlife magic.
You know, maybe keep it on deck.
- I don't know, whatever.
- We should go, by the way.
We're gonna be late.
[CHUCKLING] Oh, where does the time go?
♪ Surfing the freaky purple ♪
[HUMS]
So ultimately, this all goes back
to a line from Professor May's book:
"Mortality offers meaning to our lives,
and morality helps
navigate that meaning."
Wait, what I think it says
is that mortality offers meaning
to the events of our lives.
Uh, check yourself, rando.
I think Chidi Anagonye,
who literally designed the afterlife,
knows what he's talking about.
Look, I'm pretty sure I'm right,
since it's, like, my book.
Yes, Professor May,
you're probably right
about what you wrote. [LAUGHS, SNORTS]
Still think he should check himself.
Okay, everyone, we'll see
you all here next week.
Professor Hieronymi will be
teaching the trolley problem.
Bring ponchos. It gets messy.
You ready, Chidi?
[WHOOSHES]
[MIMICKING CAR AND EXPLOSION SOUNDS]
Hello, Jeff. I see the
collection's grown.
Sure has. I have 322 frog things now.
323! I just got another one!
Ha!
Never not excited about frogs, that guy.
He knows what he likes.
This meeting of the Joint
Council of Afterlife Affairs
is called to order.
Let's make this quick, kids.
I just started rewatching
"The Leftovers."
Honestly, when I found out
that Carrie Coon was never nominated,
I almost erased 2% of humanity.
Michael, update?
Things are going fairly well.
A new crop of humans
just passed their tests.
Among the notables who got in,
Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston,
- Saint Thomas Aquinas...
- Yes!
Eighth-century Sufi mystic
poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri,
and Clara Peller.
She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.
- Oh.
- "Where's the beef?" lady got in.
So, that's fun.
Honestly, our biggest problem
is that we need more
architects and actors.
Well, sorry, but these
younger demon actors
have no dedication to their craft.
They think they can just start acting.
They have to learn that
acting is reacting,
and reacting is pre-acting,
but pre-acting, well,
that's just being.
Okay, take it down a
notch, Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Shawn, what you got?
- Well,
I'll begin by saying that
this new system stinks,
and Michael stinks,
and we should throw
this all in the garbage
and go back to the way it used to be
when everyone was tortured.
There's still some bumps in the road,
but this system is good,
and it's working.
Come on, admit it.
I will never,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever,
admit that.
I know, buddy. I know.
[CHEERY MUSIC]
_
_
What time is it?
I don't know.
Really?
Yeah.
At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago,
I turned off my ability
to know what time it is
anywhere in the universe
when you and I are together.
I like not knowing.
It's 10:42 a.m. Sorry.
Saying out loud that I
didn't know something
made me feel weird.
Man, I feel weird when
I do know something.
You and I are very different.
Okay, gotta go meet my dad.
I'm gonna try one more time.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
[SHUDDERS] I'm freaking out, man.
You got this, dawg.
One more play, for all the marbles.
I love you, and I believe in you.
Thanks, Dad. [INHALES] Okay.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Here we go.
Bortles gonna throw.
Yes!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
You did it!
It took you more than 433,000 tries,
but you just played the
perfect game of Madden!
You did it!
That's my boy.
That's my boy.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
I did it.
♪ ♪
- Janet?
- Hi, there.
Hi, Janet. I made dinner.
You always make it for me, so this time,
I wanted to make it, and real talk,
it didn't go great.
This is spaghetti.
Now, I know it looks weird,
but I bit off a chunk, and actually,
it's pretty bad.
Also, I put out the forks and knives
the way kings and queens do it.
Close to the plates.
- Also...
- Uh-oh.
Oh, dip.
Yeah.
So...
I need to talk to everyone.
Should I ask them to come here?
No, I...
I had a better idea.
- [WHOOSHES]
- [CHUCKLING SOFTLY]
- Hello, you two.
- Hi.
What fun meeting back here.
Wow, you even restored it
to the way it used to look.
What inspired this, J-Dog?
You get a hankering for frozen yogurt?
No.
I have an announcement to make.
I'm leaving.
Going through the door.
Wow.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I am. It's time.
We thought the best move was
to gather everyone together
for a sort of farewell party.
We're gonna eat and drink,
and there will be dancing.
Fun.
Whee!
Okay, homies, you're sad.
I can tell 'cause you have
the same looks on your faces
that my teachers did whenever
I raised my hand in class.
But let's be happy.
I'm gonna DJ!
We'll play EDM all night.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- [GROANS]
- Oof.
Now I'm bummed about two things.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
♪ ♪
- Hey there, Doug.
- Hi.
- Having fun?
- I've had so much chicken!
It's probably good you
chose your young body.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm okay, Michael. How are you?
Well, I'm sad,
and I know you're the most
advanced being in the universe,
but I feel like I need to tell you,
it's okay if you're sad too.
I know.
And I am a little, but also,
I know this is the right
time for him to leave.
I really am okay, I promise.
Will you come talk to me if you're not?
Always.
How y'all doing tonight?
[ALL CHEERING]
Okay, homies, we got
a real special treat.
My old dance crew Dance
Dance Resolution is here.
Y'all ready to tear it up one last time?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Yes! Yes!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SIGHS]
That was special.
I'll never forget this night.
Until I walk through the door
and dissolve into the universe.
Can I ask you something, buddy?
How did you know?
It wasn't like I heard a
bell ring or anything.
I just suddenly had this calm feeling,
like the air inside my lungs
was the same as the air outside my body.
It was peaceful.
You know the feeling when you think
a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot,
but you bite into it anyway
and it's actually the
perfect temperature?
Believe it or not,
I do know that feeling.
- That feeling rules.
- There you go!
Uh,
can I get your advice on something?
I'm scared Janet's gonna forget me.
Her falling in love with someone else,
I'm fine with that. Like, if Jason Momoa
or if Lara Croft Tomb Raider gets in,
and Janet's like, "That's what's up,"
totally cool, but her forgetting me
would be sad,
so I made her this.
What do you guys think?
It's lovely.
But she's not gonna forget you, man.
I mean,
she literally can't.
She remembers everything
that ever happened.
Even if she could forget someone,
I don't think she's gonna forget you.
Thanks.
When I had Jason, I was 18 years old.
In many ways, Jason raised me
just as much as I raised him.
So, thanks for being a great dad, son.
I love you, Dad!
[ALL CHEERING]
Jason is the realest dude ever.
I mean, none of us are real anymore.
We're all just Caspers
the Ghost and whatnot,
which is funny 'cause me
and Jason ain't even white.
Why are all ghosts white?
Aw, dip. Are ghosts racist?
What I'm trying to say
is, I love you, dawg,
you're my hero, you're my best friend,
and you're my Gardner Minshew.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you want.
Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
♪ ♪
I love you, Janet.
I love you too, Jason.
I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.
- Hmm.
- I made you something.
Aw, dip, I lost it.
- It's okay.
- No, it's not.
I made you this cool
thing so you remember me
even when you're married to Aquaman,
and I lost it somewhere in this forest.
Some magical squirrel probably ate it.
Jason, it's okay.
I'm never gonna forget you.
In fact, to me, you won't
even really be gone.
I don't experience time
the same way you do.
I kind of live all times at once.
I know what you mean.
Once, I smoked salvia,
and saw the past and the
future at the same time.
Then I tried to brush
my teeth with my cat.
To me,
remembering moments with you
is the same as living in them.
Can you just remember the happy times
and forget the bad stuff?
There was no bad stuff.
It was all good.
♪ ♪
_
Wow.
These spindles are gorgeous.
And there's almost a
feeling of musculature
to this transition.
The oak just sort of told me the shape
before I even got to the spoke shave.
This under-bevel is a great trick.
It really makes it feel lighter
while leaving you plenty
of beef to carve.
It's really just a modified Danish line.
Still, you made it your own.
This is as good a chair as I've seen.
I have nothing left to teach you.
[GASPS] Hurrah!
Thank you!
Janet!
- Hi there.
- Call up the list please.
Congratulations.
Actually, I just finished
repaving my driveway yesterday,
so cross that one off too.
Before you start your next project,
you should know, that thing
that you asked me to tell
you when it happened?
It happened.
I mean, they've gone through the system,
so they'll be a little different, right?
One would hope. [SIGHS]
I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad.
I've only ever stood
silently behind their chairs
while they ate lobster tail
with Oscar de la Renta.
I'm right here.
We will get through this together.
Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]
Mother, Father, welcome to...
My darlings!
My darlings. Oh!
Oh, my little girls.
We love you both so much.
So very much.
We have a million things
to talk to you about,
but first, we are sorry.
We'll just be endlessly
sorry forever and ever.
Holy crap.
[WHISPERING] I know, right?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[ALL CHEERING]
♪ ♪
Ugh.
For the 1,000,000th time,
they've sent us teddy bears and flowers.
You think they'd understand
that we can get these things
ourselves if we want.
[YELPS]
Ah, that's lovely.
Thanks.
You know, I never thought
I would say this,
but I'm getting a little
bored of Mum and Dad
telling us how much they love us.
Yes.
Isn't that something?
♪ ♪
Well, this may not come as
a surprise to any of you,
but...
I'm ready to go.
Aw, nuts. I knew it.
- You finished everything on your list?
- I did.
I learned how to install a bathtub,
fly a helicopter, defuse a bomb,
deliver the perfect backhand slice.
My last goal was to spend one
meaningful day with my parents,
and now I've spent thousands of them.
I feel complete.
Would you like me to prepare
a farewell party for you?
No need. I've done it myself.
I've cooked all the food,
mixed all the drinks,
made all the furniture,
repainted all the walls,
and trained all the animals.
Champagne?
Uh, sure. Thank you, panda.
Also, I've already said good-bye
to everyone else in my life.
My sister, my parents, B and J.
They took it very hard.
Tonight, it's just us.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I hate to tell you this,
but your risotto was
just a little sticky.
- Was it?
- No, damn it, it was amazing.
Just trying to figure
out a way to get you
to hang around for a few more Bearimies.
- [SIGHS]
- Can I tell you something?
You're my role model.
[SNORTS] Come on.
- I'm serious.
- Babe,
you were already the
most impressive person
I ever met,
and now you can do literally everything.
If that's true,
it's because you inspired me.
I admire you so very much.
Your strength, your
toughness, your self-esteem,
not to mention you have a rocking bod.
Did you just turn the tables on me?
I got nothing left to teach you.
- Janet.
- Hi there.
One more goal to add to the list please.
- _
- Now cross it off.
[LAUGHS]
I know we already said good-bye.
I'm not even here.
I just had to see you one last time,
because I hooked up with
Alexander the Great!
And it was more like Alexander the Fine.
Okay, anyway, I love you,
I love you, good-bye forever.
- Bye, love!
- Bye!
I admire your breadth of knowledge.
I can only do one thing:
be an architect.
I've spent the last 500 Bearimies
trying to learn how to play the guitar,
and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah."
Don't sell yourself short, Michael.
I dare say you're the greatest
architect in existence,
and I should know.
ALL: Frank Gehry is my godfather.
Fair enough. I deserved that.
[LAUGHING] Oh, Tahani,
I'm gonna miss you, babe.
[LAUGHS]
Wait.
I don't want to leave.
Great!
Then stay. New party, everyone.
- A staying party.
- Whoo!
No. I-I also don't want to stay.
I'm done here, but I
don't want to go there.
It's kind of your only options.
No, they aren't.
I want to learn to do
what you do, Michael.
I want to be an architect.
Design afterlives.
[LAUGHS] Tahani, you're
a wonderful person,
but you're a person. It's impossible.
Nonsense! I can learn.
Just like I learned
all this other stuff.
I've spent most of my life
pretending to help people.
If I were an architect,
I could do it for real.
Let me at least try.
Don't make me talk to your manager.
- Oh!
- BOTH: Ooh!
- That's my girl!
- Oh.
Hey, Jeff.
Boy, kind of getting
away from you here, huh?
Yeah.
I love frogs though, so it's awesome.
I did bring you one.
Oh, thanks, Tahani.
Just toss it on the pile.
Hang on, hang on.
So, you can never tell a woman to smile?
What if she'd legitimately
be prettier if she smiled?
- _
- Aren't I helping her?
Glenn, Beadie,
this is your new intern, Tahani.
Tahani!
This is so neat. I haven't seen you
since I was exploded into goo.
I didn't get any me on you, did I?
You did, but it's all
goo under the bridge.
Anyway, I want to learn everything.
I shall start at the
bottom and earn my way up.
To wit, would anyone like
a cup of antimatter?
Sure, I take mine with
nondairy neutrinos.
Coming right up.
[SIGHING] Thank you,
Michael, for everything.
You're welcome.
I brought you a little "first
day on the job" present.
[CHUCKLES]
Once you're a big deal around here,
I hope you don't mind if I
brag about knowing you.
Name-dropping's a
little gauche, Michael,
but do as you must.
Hmm.
_
"Working out the terms
of moral justification
is an unending task."
Boom!
I did it!
It only took me 2,000 Bearimies,
but I finally finished that book.
Ha-ha, sucker!
Reading you was an unending task,
but I freaking did it!
- Congrats, babe.
- Thanks.
- What are you reading?
- "The Da Vinci Code."
- Really?
- Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes
of reading the most difficult
writings in the world,
I've acquired a new passion.
Garbage books.
Hey, do you think I would've
been a good symbologist,
if that were a real job?
Yes, I do. Ya very cute.
- Come on. We gotta go to dinner.
- Oh.
I cannot believe she
learned to cook this well.
When I first met Tahani on Earth,
she was trying to shove jewelry
into a vending machine.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, well, if she is an architect,
then she should design my idea.
A karaoke room that's
also a tanning bed.
Ooh, yes, and, like, the
harder you commit to the song,
like, the tanner you get?
I gotta say, I am so glad
that going through the system
did not totally change
you two ding-dongs.
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
- Oh. For dessert,
we have to get the tiramisu.
Man.
Chidi Anagonye just
casually making choices.
I never thought I'd live to see it.
I mean, I guess I didn't.
- Oh, that's right!
- [LAUGHTER]
'Cause we're all dead!
[ALL CHEERING]
That was so fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's always fun to see them.
Every time we do it, it's fun.
I had coffee with my mom the other day,
and she says hi,
but she also finally
learned how to pronounce
your mom's name.
Which is good.
Yeah, yeah, they were joking about that
last time we saw them.
- Mm.
- Remember?
Oh, right. Yeah.
Shakespeare went through the door.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Everyone's talking about it.
- It's probably for the best.
His last 4,000 plays
were not nearly as good
as the ones he wrote on Earth.
I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2:
Here We Blow Again?"
Woof.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You mind if we go home?
I'm tired.
Sure.
- All right.
- Okay.
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Um...
I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Cool. I'm gonna take a little stroll.
- I'll see you in a bit.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
Dude.
Oh, hey, perfect.
Are these good lyrics?
♪ The psychedelic stardust
and moonbeam banana ♪
No, stop, that's terrible,
and we got a problem.
I think Chidi's gonna leave.
Really?
Did he say he was ready?
He didn't say exactly that,
but he's getting close. I can tell.
I need to do something to
shake things up, you know?
Light a spark.
Oh! Janet?
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I think Chidi's almost ready
to walk through the door,
and I need to keep him here, so, um,
can you make me a bed shaped
like a giant highlighter
and, like, a sexy edible
valedictorian robe?
No, I think this calls
for something spiritual.
Ah, okay, but if I do this right,
my man's gonna be talking to God.
You know what I mean?
Wait, what do you mean?
Forgive me, Eleanor,
but if Chidi's ready to go,
it's time for him to go.
Ah, he didn't say that yet though.
We're in classic Chidi grey area.
You need to remind him
of what's great about this place.
Oh, oh.
Remember where he took us,
like, the first month
- when we were all together?
- Oh, great idea. Yes.
- Janet, set the scene.
- Okay.
Would you like it restored
to its original glory?
No.
The first time he went,
he was in college.
Have it look and feel
exactly like it was
that day when he fell in love with it.
Also, pack me the edible robe.
That might seal the deal.
Okay. You're all set.
Hey, guess what?
Surprise trip. Come on.
Surprise trip? Now?
Yeah. Special fun trip, just us two.
Let's go.
Can I change out of my pajamas first?
Let the door do it! Come on!
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, okay, okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Oh.
Oh, man, Eleanor.
Right?
We haven't been here in so long.
Athens.
Man, this city, it takes
my breath away every time.
Talk it out, bud.
Tell me everything you
know about this place
because, full disclosure,
I didn't really listen the
first time you told me.
[LAUGHS] Well, I mean,
that's the Acropolis.
Oh, and this is the Pnyx.
Thousands of Athenians would gather here
and listen to people discuss
their city and its laws
from that stage right there.
This is literally where
democracy started.
Well, that's fine and
dandy, but as you may know,
I'm kind of a philosophy gal.
Where were the big brains hanging out?
Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes,
they all gathered right
here in the agora.
It was like the Avengers,
but for super thinkers.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, come on. You brought me here.
You knew what was gonna happen.
No, I love that you're so happy.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Is it weird that when I
picture ancient Greeks,
I make them really hot?
Like, to me, Aristotle is basically
John Stamos with a beard.
Honestly, that's kind of
how I picture him too.
Good, same page.
♪ ♪
What's this called again? Koulouvi?
Koulouri,
and I lived on these when I was here.
I like to picture young
Chidi Anagonye here,
reading, nerding out,
treating himself to a koulouri,
if he had an astute insight
into Aristotelian virtue ethics.
Oh, that... is accurate.
That is an accurate picture
of 20-year-old me.
This was so special.
Thank you.
Should we head home?
Nope, because...
we're not done yet.
There's more special trip.
- Janet?
- Hi there.
You enjoying your trip, Chidi?
Yes, we are, but it's not over yet.
We are ready to head to
destination number two.
- Remember?
- Yes, of course.
Head right this way.
♪ ♪
Oh, man. Oh, wow.
Paris.
Yes, Paris, obviously.
My favorite city.
And you even picked the ideal weather.
Overcast and chilly.
Perfect for staying inside and reading.
Is this what you were hinting to me?
I was thinking Six Flags,
but this is way better.
I used to come to this café
every day when I lived here.
I tried to sit in a
different seat each time
so I could eventually say
that I definitely sat
in the exact same place
as Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir,
Richard Wright, Brecht, James Baldwin.
Well, we got all the time
in the world now, baby.
Put that booty in a
seat warmed by history.
Eleanor, I know what you're doing.
Being the best eternal girlfriend ever?
Guilty.
Let's take a walk.
So, Eleanor,
here it is.
I love you,
completely and utterly.
Oh, crap.
But I have to go.
But you don't though.
You don't have to go.
You don't have to leave me.
I don't want to leave you.
I'm just ready to leave.
I have the same feeling
that the others described,
a kind of quietude in my soul.
But you just had it.
What if those other dummies
didn't wait long enough,
and the feeling fades,
and you get to spend
another billion Bearimies
in fake afterlife Europe with
your kickass girlfriend?
I didn't just have it.
I've had it a long time.
Remember that day we
were with our parents?
My mom kissed you good-bye,
and got lipstick on your cheek,
and your mom rubbed it off.
I don't know why that was it, but...
that was it.
And I didn't want to tell you because...
because.
No, man, this can't be...
because Jason's gone,
Tahani's off doing her thing,
and I'm not ready to go,
so if you leave, then I'm alone here.
I was alone my whole life,
and I told myself I like
it that way, but I don't.
I like being with you.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC]
Okay, I won't go.
- Really?
- Yeah, I won't go.
There's...
there is still plenty to do.
I'll stay.
Who's ready for Six Flags?
Oh, we're good.
We got it. He's gonna stay.
Turn into birds and fly to Notre Dame?
Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower
and throw water balloons
onto imaginary tourists?
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Whatever you want to do.
Okay, well, let's freshen up,
have dinner at some schmancy restaurant,
order a million-dollar bottle of wine,
even though it tastes exactly
like cheap, stupid wine,
and sit in a room at the George V
and watch "Real Housewives"
of whatever city they're
doing that in now.
Love it.
I'm gonna walk around
my old neighborhood.
See where I used to live.
Meet you at the restaurant?
- Yeah.
- All right.
♪ ♪
Let's see what's on the menu.
Literally anything you
could possibly imagine.
Hmm. What are you thinking?
"Working out the terms
of moral justification
is an unending task."
That's what I was thinking about.
That sentence.
You want to eat that
sentence for dinner?
Can we eat words,
'cause I asked Janet about this and...
No, no, it's the last
line of Scanlon's book.
- Remember?
- Ah.
The whole book is about how
we should try to find rules
other people can't reasonably reject,
and then he ends it by saying,
"The search for how to find those rules
will go on forever."
I proposed a rule
that Chidis shouldn't
be allowed to leave
because it would make Eleanors sad,
and I could do this forever,
zip you around the universe
showing you cool stuff,
and I'd still never
find the justification
for getting you to stay.
Because it's a selfish rule.
I owe it to you
to let you go.
[SORROWFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I was never good at being sad.
Partly because my mom straight
up told me not to be.
But this is sad, man.
You got a John Locke quote
or piece of Kantian wisdom
you can throw at me?
Those guys were more focused
on rules and regulations.
For spiritual stuff,
you gotta turn to the East.
I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Picture a wave
in the ocean.
You can see it, measure it, its height,
the way the sunlight refracts
when it passes through,
and it's there,
and you can see it, you know what it is.
It's a wave.
And then it crashes on the shore,
and it's gone.
But the water is still there.
The wave was just a...
a different way for the water to be
for a little while.
That's one conception of
death for a Buddhist.
The wave returns to the ocean,
where it came from,
and where it's supposed to be.
Not bad, Buddhists.
Not bad.
None of this is bad.
♪ ♪
I need you to do me one last favor.
Mm-hmm?
Say good-bye to me now,
and leave before I wake up.
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you'd like,
and whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
I'm ready.
Oh, dip! You're back.
- Jason?
- Yeah!
What... but how...
why...
Funny story.
Remember how I made you something,
and I thought I lost it because
it wasn't in my pocket?
- Uh-huh?
- Turns out it was in my other pocket!
By the time I found it, you were gone.
I was just gonna leave it for you,
but I was worried it would get eaten
by that magic squirrel.
So, I decided to wait
for you to come back.
Every so often, a different Janet came,
but I knew it wasn't you.
Jason, it's been, like,
a thousand Bearimies.
I know, but I wanted to see you again.
It was actually pretty easy to wait.
I sort of just sat quietly
and let my mind drift away.
Thought about you,
and the infinity of the universe.
Kind of like a monk.
What do you mean?
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Looks good, not-a-girl.
♪ ♪
Chidi, wait up!
_
Hey-oh!
Time to go nuts, 'cause
I brought donuts...
Huh, no one's here.
Shoot. That was gonna be a big laugh.
Hey, sweetie. Did you
not get the message?
No. Why, was the meeting cancelled?
Uh, yeah. Forever.
We dissolved the council.
- What?
- We don't need it anymore.
Your system's working perfectly.
Millions of humans passing
their tests, you know.
Oh, Vicky's really killing
it on the training,
so it's all good.
Well... [STUTTERS] All right,
well... hang on, now.
Look, how are we even sure
that this is the right system?
I mean, honestly,
I think Shawn was right.
This whole thing sucks and
we should start from scratch.
Relax, worrywart. Take a load off.
Huh? Enjoy yourself.
You know what I just
discovered recently?
Podcasts.
There's, like, a billion of them
and they just keep coming.
- Hmm.
- Now scoot.
I got a new Radiolab to listen to
about how clams learn.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Pretty excited.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[VCR CLICKING]
I love you.
And you don't need to respond,
'cause I know you have
trouble saying how you feel.
I love you too.
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh. Hey, what's up?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah, sure, why not?
- Hey, Derek?
- Yes, Mindy?
What can Derek do for you?
Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit,
so go into your nether sphere.
That's Derek?
Mindy has rebooted Derek
more than 151 million times.
Derek is now both a
singular point in space,
and yet, Derek also
contains space itself.
The nexus of Derek is without dimension.
The moment of Derek's creation
and the eventual heat
death of the universe
are now inexorably the same.
Ugh, you are so annoying!
[WHOOSHES]
Want a beer?
So that's how you spend your days?
Wandering around,
searching for the thing
that makes you complete?
Pretty much.
I thought it was connected
to my parents or my friends,
but now I think it might
be something else.
I think it might be you.
I think my final mission
might be to convince you
to go through the system. Take the test.
You know, when I first met you,
I thought, "Oof,
"well, there's a chick I understand.
Lone wolf, totally independent,
knows what she wants."
BOTH: Cocaine and self-pleasure.
Right. But I actually think
you're a version of me
if I'd never met my friends.
You're like the worst-case scenario
of what I could have become.
- No offense.
- None taken.
Look, the thing is, Eleanor,
I am fine with where I am.
See, I don't think you are.
Or at least, you could be better.
If we're cut from the same cloth,
then trust me.
There is greater happiness
waiting for you
if you form bonds with other people,
and I think you know that.
You told me about me
and Chidi that time.
You showed me the tape.
You said you were rooting for us.
I think you have the ability to care.
I don't know.
Caring just seems like
- a lot of work.
- Mm.
And I have been on my own for so long.
I can't imagine putting my fate
in the hands of some stranger.
I thought you might say that.
Hello, gorgeous.
Eleanor.
And Mindy St. Claire, as
I neither live nor breathe!
What brings you ladies here?
Trying to convince Mindy
to enter the system
after all this time.
She's a little worried
about who might end up
designing her test...
Say no more. I'm on the case.
Really? Are you, like,
certified or whatever?
Well, not yet, but it won't
be long, right, Shawn?
- [OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Oh, I think you'll find
that Tahani will be certified very soon.
Did that sound evil?
I didn't mean it to. I was sincere.
Force of habit. I do think
you'll find that Tahani
will be certified
ve... hmm.
Shut up, Glenn.
Great. So, you go back to your old life,
chill with your floating Derek head,
when Tahani gets certified,
you enter the system,
Tahani designs your test. Deal?
Why not? Something new.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks for giving a crap about me.
I don't really give a crap about myself,
so it's nice that someone does.
I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.
Me too.
♪ ♪
You can sit on that bench
as long as you want.
Whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
Well, good, 'cause I'm definitely ready.
I'm ready.
I'm not ready.
Damn it, Janet. What the fork?
I should be ready and I'm not.
But I am.
Michael, what are you doing?
I'm going through the door.
There's nothing left for me to do.
I feel sated and complete.
I'm not sure you're thinking
this through, dude.
Yes, I am. A calm has washed over me.
Blah, blah, blah.
Good-bye.
♪ ♪
Did I go through the wrong way?
Wait, wait, just one minute.
I know this is gonna look silly
but it probably will work.
[GRUNTING]
Michael, what are you doing?
I am returning my damn essence
to the damn fabric of the damn universe.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Oh, there we go.
It's working now.
It's working.
I'm leaving.
Bye.
It's not working because you're looking.
- Stop looking.
- Michael, that door is not for you.
Why not? I invented the damn thing!
You know, this stinks.
You guys get to move on,
but I am trapped here forever?
How's that fair? Oh, I got it.
Eleanor, come here.
You go through and give me a piggyback.
- We can trick it.
- Ooh, no. Ow!
- Ow! Ow! Michael, no!
- Hold still... well, hold...
Michael! All right.
Come with me. [SIGHS]
Fire squids are heavy.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
New people are getting in all the time.
Tahani's still around.
Maybe you team up with her,
design some afterlife neighborhoods?
I did that already, remember?
Spent 50 Bearimies
making new neighborhoods
for new residents.
When you've already
designed the ultimate one,
it's kind of a letdown.
I've loved being here, but Jason's gone.
Chidi's gone.
You know, even Doug Forcett
went through the door.
That was probably for the best.
That guy partied so
hard when he was here.
I guess I'll just stay
here forever, you know?
Putter around doing mundane things
like some sad old retiree.
Maybe I'll have Janet
make me a hardware store
so I can buy a hex wrench
that I don't really need.
Cockamamie!
That's what I think of your plan.
I think it's cockamamie.
I think it's a great plan,
and I bet deep down, you do too.
It sets a bad precedent.
Babe, no one else is ever
gonna want to do this.
Plus, if they ask,
you just say, "Sure, pal,
"go save every soul in the universe,
and then we got a deal."
And think about it this way:
If you do this,
you'll never have to hear from any of us
ever again.
Ooh.
Now that sounds tempting.
'Cause y'all are annoying.
I mean, you did save
the universe and all,
but your tone.
- It's your tone.
- I know.
[DOOR OPENS, WHOOSHES]
Michael?
Come on in.
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
All my Earth stuff.
Oh, my old bowling ball.
Oh, hi, paper clips.
What prompted all this?
You know, it took me a
while to figure it out,
but earlier,
when you were walking back
and forth through the door,
it hit me.
You will never be at peace
until you get the one
thing you truly want.
I'm...
I'm gonna be...
A real boy, Pinocchio.
The Judge gave me the power
to make you an actual human.
Good-bye, fire squid.
Hello, silver fox.
Oh, Eleanor!
Oh, my goodness!
Now, you need to be sure about this.
You're gonna live down
there for, like...
some amount of time,
you'll die, really die,
then you'll enter an afterlife test,
be judged on what you
did, the whole deal.
At least so we think.
While you're down there,
this entire system could be changed.
Shawn might launch a coup.
Someone could design a whole new system.
You won't really know
what's going to happen to you.
That's what makes it special.
I won't exactly know
what's going to happen
after I die.
Nothing more human than that.
Besides texting people that
you're five minutes away
when you haven't even left the house.
Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you.
♪ ♪
You're very welcome.
Hey, Mike. Where you headed today?
- Earth, actually.
- Oh.
Been a while.
Here's the return clicker.
No need. One-way trip.
Wow.
Okay.
Good luck.
Thank you.
I have something for you.
Yeah?
- He's real!
- [LAUGHS]
It's real! He's a real frog!
- Yes, it sure is.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Thank you. And you know what?
I got the perfect name for him.
Mr. Jumpy Legs.
Oh.
I thought you were gonna...
Never mind.
[LAUGHS] Hello, Mr. Jumpy Legs!
Okay.
So, here's your driver's license
and your Social Security card.
I set up a bank account for you.
There's enough money in there
so that you don't starve,
but not so much that you
become an entitled jerk.
Thank you, Janet.
Make a doctor's appointment as
soon as you get down there.
And no salty food.
You have to keep your
blood pressure down.
You have blood now.
I'll be fine. I'll be okay.
I know. I just worry.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I'll see you again, you know.
I'll see you when I get back.
[VOICE BREAKING] Okay.
♪ ♪
If you rent a car, don't
pay for the insurance.
It's a scam. Okay.
♪ ♪
[SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY]
Man, it's hot.
But it's a... it's a dry heat.
So, as I mentioned before,
you can sit on this bench
as long as you want,
and whenever you're ready,
you just walk through.
Care to join me for a bit?
[RELAXED MUSIC]
Margarita?
Always.
- [LAUGHS]
- Mmm.
Okay, top three moments
of your not-life with us. Go.
You telling us that we should
try to help other people on Earth,
the moment that we all got
into the Good Place for real,
and then it's an 8-million-way tie
of every time Jason and I kissed.
- He was a really good kisser.
- I bet he was.
I wonder how Michael's doing.
I assume he's doing the
same as every human.
- ALL: Three, two, one...
- Some good days.
ALL: Happy New Year!
Some bad days.
She's gonna be okay.
This city has really good hospitals.
He's got a few friends.
Such a good boy, Jason.
Such a good boy.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
A few people he can't stand.
[GRUMBLES]
_
He's learning some things
- all by himself.
- Oh, geez, ow!
[LAUGHS]
And hopefully learning to ask
for help when he needs it.
_
Guitar like this. Fingers this way.
[STRUMS A CHORD]
[LAUGHS]
You have no idea how long
I've been trying to figure that out.
Well, everybody needs a teacher.
So do it again.
He's messing up,
and trying again, and messing up again,
and then getting things wrong,
and then trying to make them right.
That's what everyone does.
- To Michael.
- To Michael.
What do you think happens
when people walk through the door?
It's the only thing in the
universe I don't know.
I don't know either.
The wave returns to the ocean.
What the ocean does with
the water after that
is anyone's guess.
But as a very wise
not-robot once told me,
true joy is in the mystery.
Do you mind if I stay
here until you're gone?
Only if you say that thing I taught you.
I hate to see you walk
through the final door
at the edge of existence,
- but I love to watch you leave.
- There we go.
♪ ♪
[GENTLE MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[KEYS JINGLE]
Hey, this was delivered to
my building by mistake.
- I think it's yours.
- Oh, hey.
- Thanks so much.
- Mm-hmm.
[LAUGHS] Oh, wow.
I think I know what this is.
Oh.
Oh, my.
- _
- Oh, my. Look at that.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so very, very much.
Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.
I'll do you one better.
I'll say this to you, my friend,
with all the love in my heart
and all the wisdom of the universe.
Take it sleazy.
[CHUCKLES]
All right.
♪ ♪