The Good Place (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - Mondays, Am I Right? - full transcript
Michael runs some tests and Chidi gets some good advice from Jason.
Anything?
Nope. Nobody know squat.
What the here is going on?
We haven't had any new humans
to torture in, like, a week.
- I miss it.
- I know.
I got so desperate this morning,
I tried flattening an eggplant.
It's just not the same.
Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.
- About what?
- I don't know.
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
[LAUGHTER]
I hope it's not more sexual
harassment training.
We just did that, and
I'm already so good at it.
Whoa.
All right. We got them.
Okay, here we go! [LAUGHS]
Yeah, uh, that's not exactly
what's happening here.
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
and I'm... well, I'm
kind of your boss now.
He's joking, right?
I'm afraid he's not.
Things are changing.
Michael and I are
actually going to be...
[STAMMERING]
Working together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that.
I hated saying it. Hated how it felt.
Hated all of it. Ugh.
You all have been hand-selected
to be the very first
Bad Place Architects
who will learn the new system.
Why do we need a new
system? Torture works.
It's the way it's always been done.
With all due respect,
"it's the way it's always been done"
is an excuse that's been
used for hundreds of years
to justify racism, misogyny...
Exactly. See? This chick gets it.
[SERENE MUSIC]
_
So these computers have access
to every file for every human
currently in the Bad Place,
and the three of us have
a very important job.
To find out which former U.S. presidents
were secretly gay.
- No.
- Okay, fine, bi.
Sure, but also,
while Michael is trying to
get the Architects trained,
we're supposed to find
the first 1,000 humans
to take the test...
people who will just
sail right through it
so we can build
confidence in the system.
So what are the criteria? Should it be
people with the highest point totals
or overcame the greatest hardship?
I think we just start with the gimmes...
the very best people who ever lived.
So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we
can wish for infinity people.
- Jason...
- Sure, throw me in there, too.
Also, Fat Bastard,
the World's Most Interesting Man,
Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's,
Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady
that tells you where to drive.
[SIGHS] Feels like a
good stopping point.
Let's call it a day, come
back fresh tomorrow.
- Great job, everyone.
- What... Uh...
Okay, Janet's passing out
the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
who volunteered to be
today's test subject.
So take a look, and
then we'll get going.
They don't seem very enthused.
This may be a tougher
challenge than I thought,
like when I tried to teach
Taylor Swift how to dance.
The longest four years of my life.
We're uprooting the
entire Bad Place system,
and these Architects
are set in their ways.
It's gonna take a lot of work,
but the work is the fun part, guys.
So no matter who long it takes,
see it through and usher in
a better, brighter future.
Screw this. I'm not
working for a traitor.
Phil out. That's my name, Phil.
Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy.
I personally chose you based
on your innovative work
in the Performative Wokeness department.
Wow. Way to mansplain
my own department to me.
And I'm triggered.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, man. What a legend.
Ooh, who you reading about?
Me. I ruled on Earth.
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
Even if the car was moving
or on fire or a boat,
I still always got that gas.
Oh, man. I never thought about the fact
that we could look up our own files.
Yeah, I printed out all of ours.
I love you, okay?
Oh. The words are nice,
but the tone is scary.
We're in love, and everything's great,
and if we want to keep it that way,
you have to promise to never,
ever, ever read my file.
Okay. If you don't want me
to, then of course I won't,
but nothing in there could ever
change how I feel about you.
Eh, you say that now, but you don't know
what I did on Halloween 2013.
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
Oh, I don't remember,
but it must've been bad,
because the next morning,
I woke up in a large
Rubbermaid container in
some family's basement,
and I had barfed all over
their old photo albums.
Yeah, see, that's the look
we're trying to avoid here, bud.
I don't need to read your file.
I know you, and I love you.
And I can't wait to spend
eternity with you.
I mean, obviously, we have
a lot of work to do here,
and then we both have to pass the test,
but eventually we're gonna
be together forever...
You have to read my file right now!
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
Is it a sex game somehow?
I can't risk it.
What if we spend half
of eternity together
and then you find out something
that does change the
way you feel about me
and then you resent me for
wasting half your eternity?
No, it's better we just
rip the Band-Aid off,
and you read about all the bad stuff now
when we're hot and heavy.
Okay. I'll read your file.
Can I finish reading about
Oskar Schindler first?
That's who I got to
follow? The list guy?
You and I are so screwed, dude.
After as many attempts as it takes,
if your human passes
the test and proves that
they deserve to go to the Good Place,
you'll hear this sound.
- [BRIGHT CHIME]
- Good Place, here I come.
This new system is great.
Who do we have to thank for
effortlessly implementing it?
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree
it was a home run.
It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece.
Is this movie finally over?
It's basically over. Just one little...
♪ It's simply the test ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Better than other tests ♪
- I think we should stop.
- Okay, so, thoughts?
Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
No, it's the current system that's lame.
It's so basic.
You get a human's file,
and let's be honest,
you never even read it.
You just skip to the fears
and phobias section
and use that to torture them.
Fear of snakes, throw
them in a snake pit.
Worried something's gonna
happen to your normal
cylindrical penis, flatten it.
This new way allows you to test
their specific psychological
flaws and weaknesses.
And trust us, they have plenty.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
I'm in selling mode.
Guys, this is your chance to be part
of a bold new future.
You telling me there's
not one single demon
who wants to design the
very first sample test
of this new system?
Oh, there is.
And she's a stone-cold fox.
Vicky, what are you doing here?
Relax. I heard about the new system,
I love it, and I want
to be a part of it.
Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,
given that you did once try to sabotage
my entire Neighborhood.
Look, after you blew me into goo,
I had a lot of time to think,
while my goo was re-forming.
If things are gonna change,
then I have to change along with them.
And, sure, change can be
scary, but I'm an artist...
which means it's my job to be scared.
All right, fine. Take a seat.
Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
Oh, no, I don't...
I don't need her file.
I know Tahani very well...
self-obsessed, family issues,
way too into being tall.
Typical Vicky... throwing shade.
But it doesn't matter...
'cause I'm casting it.
Because I'm closer to the Sun.
I'm tall.
Oh, no. I knew it.
You hate me now. What did it?
The time I was subpoenaed by
the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
- No.
- Oh, I know what it was.
In my defense, I didn't realize
he was my boyfriend's twin
until halfway into hooking up with him,
and at that point, you
know, it's a sunk cost.
I don't hate you at all.
I mean, you were dealt
a pretty tough hand.
You essentially had to raise yourself,
but you were still more
confident and self-possessed
at 13 than I ever was.
I mean, seeing your whole life
all laid out like this, it's...
it's remarkable.
Okay, so you still love me.
You're still horny for
me, blah, blah, blah.
Then what's wrong?
I'm not good enough for you.
I mean, look at my file.
It is 1/10 as long as yours
because I did nothing with my life.
Yeah, we're very different,
but we already knew that.
Why are you freaking out?
You're cool, confident
Chidi now, remember?
I am confident about
my feelings for you.
I am also confident
that I am a damn drip,
and you deserve to be
with someone who's not.
Like Nicolas, that fireman
that you dated back in 2009.
He rescued people from
burning buildings,
and he was so hot.
Oh, Nicolas the fireman.
Mmm. Nicolas.
I can't argue with you
on that one, but...
I love you.
There is no one else
I want to be with...
at least not forever.
I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants
to make out with me in Heaven,
then you and I are gonna
have a conversation,
but if you read my file and you're good,
then we're good,
unless there's something in your file
that would freak me out,
like you kept out a library
book past the due date.
I moved,
and it got buried in
the bottom of a box.
I put the library in my
will to make up for it.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Relax. Let's get back to work.
Now, when I press this lever,
Tahani will enter the scenario
that Megan has designed
that will test her
ethical decision-making.
Obviously, in the real test,
the humans won't know
they're being tested,
but this should be a good practice run.
Everyone ready?
[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hors d'oeuvre?
Why, yes. Thank you.
- Chain saw bear!
- [SCREAMS]
Okay, so couple of things.
We're not using chain saw
bears anymore, remember?
Right. Okay, yeah. What else?
It was mainly that one thing.
Why don't you try again?
And remember, the challenges
your test subject faces
should smaller and...
and more relatable.
Okay.
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
Is it farm-raised salmon?
'Cause I prefer to support
sustainable fishing.
[CLEARS THROAT] Mondays. Am I right?
Chain saw!
You said smaller and more relatable.
The bear is smaller,
humans hate Mondays and love bacon.
What do you want from me?
Michael, can I try?
I can show them what
you're trying to do.
Fine, Vicky. Go ahead.
Now, first, I need to get
into Tahani's headspace.
[BRITISH ACCENT] 'Ello, love.
Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles.
I once played billiards with
Questlove and Olivia Munn.
[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, there she is.
Okay, just give me a second.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Whew.
Just finished reading up
about James Buchanan.
Definitely at least a little bi.
I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.
[GRUNTS] I want nachos.
Is there a snack bar here?
What's going on, dog?
I know you're upset. You have a tell.
- I do?
- Yeah,
you "telled" Eleanor before
that you were upset,
and I think you still are.
[SIGHS] Looking at Eleanor's life
made me realize how different we are.
If the system works and
we both pass our tests,
I don't see any version of eternity
where she doesn't get bored of me.
I mean, my fake heaven was
a 600-square-foot apartment
that was essentially a
bookcase and a toilet,
and I loved it.
So what? It's cool that you
guys are so different.
Sometimes two people who
have nothing in common
get together, and it rules.
- Opposites attract.
- Well, you need that to be true
because you're dating Janet.
Ultimate opposites.
So, what, are you saying
Janet might get bored of me?
No, that's not... I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean...
Man... Oh, no.
No, Jason, come back. I...
[SIGHS]
I wish I were back in my toilet library.
And places.
And... action.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Can you believe we're still
having this dinner for Kamilah?
So embarrassing.
She doesn't know this yet,
but I heard that the reviews
for her new album are
going to be dreadful.
The rumor is that the label
is going to drop her.
I heard she may have to fly home coach
and check a bag, whatever that means.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [TAPS GLASS]
Thank you, everyone,
for coming to celebrate
our daughter Kamilah.
I know you're all very busy these days.
Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.
She had to come straight
from the gym. [CHUCKLES]
Would anyone like to say
a few words of praise
about Kamilah's latest album or
any other aspect of Kamilah?
There are so many to celebrate.
Perhaps Tahani should speak.
She's had her share
of failures recently.
Celebrating me could be therapeutic.
Certainly. I can say something.
But I have no idea what.
Goodness, this is hard.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well done, Vicky.
That was quite good... for the system.
For me, it was rather traumatic.
Okay, so, like, her parents
were the chain saw bear,
but instead of chopping off her head,
they chopped off her self-esteem?
Yes, Megan. Good.
Take what you know about them
and then force them into moments
of personal difficulty.
Think of it as flattening
the penises of their heart.
Oh. Now it makes sense.
Why don't you go deeper into her file
and look for other
ways to challenge her?
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down here.
Vicky's example was fine.
There was some good stuff there.
But overall, uh, C-plus.
It was a C-plus, I'd say.
There are some problems with
it, some technical issues
that only I can see and everything.
So, basically,
it actually kind of stunk.
So I think it's just best
if you leave, Vicky.
This is not working. You're bad at this.
C-plus. Okay, good-bye.
Wow. Same old Michael.
Just can't share the spotlight.
- Hmm.
- Well, good-bye, everyone.
That's a wrap on Vicky.
Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
Look, I know she did
well on the first test,
but it's beginner's luck.
There's an X factor here...
a secret sauce that only I truly know
how to pour over
the... the juicy s-steak
of this process.
I've never said this
before, but... what?
Not only is Vicky good at test design,
but she's good at teaching the others.
Well, that's the problem.
She's moving too fast.
We have to learn how to
walk before we can run.
So, first, you thought
it would take forever,
and now it's moving too fast?
First of all, you know, uh, shut up.
A-and second of all, just shut up.
- [GASPS]
- It's obvious what's going on here.
You don't want your nemesis
- to be the one to solve your problem.
- I know that feeling.
Once, on Earth, I didn't know something,
and I had to ask Alexa.
I felt dirty.
No, that's not it.
[SIGHS]
I'm upset, because for
hundreds of years,
I've had a job.
First, it was finding a
better way to torture humans,
then helping them,
then proving the system was broken,
then teaching the demons.
I have to roll a rock up
a hill over and over,
and then it kept rolling down,
so I had to do it again.
And then Vicky comes along with this...
like, rock-lifter thing
and just lifts it to
the top of the hill.
Pushing the rock up the
hill gave me a purpose.
Who am I...
if the rock's gone?
Ironically, that's exactly
what Vin Diesel asked me
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in
"The Fast and the Furious 9."
Not helpful?
Copy that.
Honestly...
Michael, I don't know
what's to become of you...
or any of us.
But getting Vicky back
is the best chance to
make your plan work now,
so focus on that
and deal with the future in the future.
Hey.
Um...
I'm sorry I said that before, man.
No, you were right.
Janet and I are different.
Maybe it can't last.
Maybe we're like the
Montagues and Capulets.
How do you know that?
I read some books, man.
Jeez.
[SIGHS] Uh, listen.
Maybe on paper, you and Janet
don't make total sense,
but who cares?
The relationship you have
built together is wonderful.
She knows you and loves you,
and that's all that matters.
- Do you really believe that?
- Of course I do.
[LAUGHS] Sucker!
Sorry?
I got you so bad.
Dude, pretend what you just said
was what you said to
you instead of to me.
And you have to listen to yourself,
because it was already in your own head
and then came out. But just
put it back in your head,
and realize that it was you
talking about you and Eleanor.
Against all odds, I know what you mean,
and I-I got to give it up.
That was... that was good.
Yeah, it was.
Chess mate.
[LAUGHING]
Hey!
[CLAPS HANDS] There she is.
Where you off to?
I have an ice-cold yoga class.
It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What do you want?
[SIGHS] I-I'm sorry
that I kicked you out.
I-It wasn't about you.
It was just my own insecurities
getting in the way.
Will you please come back?
No.
I'm not gonna let myself
be degraded by you again.
I am a strong, independent acid snake
in the skin suit of a
strong, independent woman.
Listen, listen, uh...
You were the best part of
my original Neighborhood.
I took you for granted,
and that was wrong.
But now I want to give you
the role of a lifetime.
You're going to run the whole project.
I'll give you all my plans and my notes,
but then I'll... I'll step back,
and... and you'll take over.
Full creative control...
like a director.
What do you say?
Well, um...
that sounds great, but it won't work.
Everyone here hates you so much,
if you just put me in control,
they'll think I'm your puppet.
I can't have any of your
dingleberry stank on me.
I know.
That's why I'm not giving it to you.
You're going to take it.
Hey.
So, uh... I was being stupid.
And Jason gave me some
really good advice.
[CHUCKLES] Classic us.
Look, who we were on Earth
is a tiny part of who we are
and an even smaller part
of who we are together.
So I'm sorry for freaking out.
But also, some day when
we get to the Good Place,
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar
so you don't get bored of me.
I actually prefer drummers.
Read my file.
Sorry for the delay.
Now, for this next phase
of the training...
- Stop right there.
- Vicky?
I thought I got rid of you,
and now you're coming through
the door unexpectedly?
That's right. I'm launching a coup.
My, my, my, we've got
some history, don't we?
But I am still standing, Mikey boy.
And right now I'm taking over.
Explain what you mean for
me and everyone else.
Oh, this is my training
now. You're done.
And all of these demons are
behind me, right, guys?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
All right, Vicky, you win...
this time.
- Tahani, Janet, let's go.
- Hmm.
No, but wait, wait.
We're... we're still fighting.
And it's so heated that, um,
it might just erupt into...
[WHISPERING] The dance battle
from "West Side Story."
No, I'm... I'm too upset
about the coup thing.
Hurry up, hurry up,
before she starts singing.
_
Welcome. Welcome, everyone.
Come on in.
Good Place Architects to my left,
Bad place Architects to my right.
Get your files and orientation packets.
Classes begin in 30 minutes.
Oh, also, my "Movement
for Lava Monsters" class
is now full.
Aw, man.
You got the rock up the hill.
And it looks like it's gonna stay there.
Now we just have to find your next rock.
Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods
is up and running.
- What now?
- [BRIGHT CHIME]
That's the sound when someone
gets into the Good Place.
Who was it? Prince?
It's got to be Prince.
Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,
this whole thing is screwed
up, and we got to start over.
No.
It's you guys.
For real?
The Judge agreed that the four of you
don't need to take the test.
Turns out that saving every soul
in the universe is worth a few points.
You're in.
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I know, I know. It's real this time.
I promise.
Get in.
Are you coming, too?
Yeah, I figured I would.
Recently unemployed.
Might as well do some traveling.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Shall we?
[ELEANOR SIGHS]
Oh.
[GIGGLES]
- See ya.
- ALL: Bye.
Foles!
Nope. Nobody know squat.
What the here is going on?
We haven't had any new humans
to torture in, like, a week.
- I miss it.
- I know.
I got so desperate this morning,
I tried flattening an eggplant.
It's just not the same.
Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.
- About what?
- I don't know.
Probably your dad's stinky sack.
[LAUGHTER]
I hope it's not more sexual
harassment training.
We just did that, and
I'm already so good at it.
Whoa.
All right. We got them.
Okay, here we go! [LAUGHS]
Yeah, uh, that's not exactly
what's happening here.
The Bad Place is going to be changing,
and I'm... well, I'm
kind of your boss now.
He's joking, right?
I'm afraid he's not.
Things are changing.
Michael and I are
actually going to be...
[STAMMERING]
Working together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that.
I hated saying it. Hated how it felt.
Hated all of it. Ugh.
You all have been hand-selected
to be the very first
Bad Place Architects
who will learn the new system.
Why do we need a new
system? Torture works.
It's the way it's always been done.
With all due respect,
"it's the way it's always been done"
is an excuse that's been
used for hundreds of years
to justify racism, misogyny...
Exactly. See? This chick gets it.
[SERENE MUSIC]
_
So these computers have access
to every file for every human
currently in the Bad Place,
and the three of us have
a very important job.
To find out which former U.S. presidents
were secretly gay.
- No.
- Okay, fine, bi.
Sure, but also,
while Michael is trying to
get the Architects trained,
we're supposed to find
the first 1,000 humans
to take the test...
people who will just
sail right through it
so we can build
confidence in the system.
So what are the criteria? Should it be
people with the highest point totals
or overcame the greatest hardship?
I think we just start with the gimmes...
the very best people who ever lived.
So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,
DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we
can wish for infinity people.
- Jason...
- Sure, throw me in there, too.
Also, Fat Bastard,
the World's Most Interesting Man,
Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's,
Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady
that tells you where to drive.
[SIGHS] Feels like a
good stopping point.
Let's call it a day, come
back fresh tomorrow.
- Great job, everyone.
- What... Uh...
Okay, Janet's passing out
the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,
who volunteered to be
today's test subject.
So take a look, and
then we'll get going.
They don't seem very enthused.
This may be a tougher
challenge than I thought,
like when I tried to teach
Taylor Swift how to dance.
The longest four years of my life.
We're uprooting the
entire Bad Place system,
and these Architects
are set in their ways.
It's gonna take a lot of work,
but the work is the fun part, guys.
So no matter who long it takes,
see it through and usher in
a better, brighter future.
Screw this. I'm not
working for a traitor.
Phil out. That's my name, Phil.
Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy.
I personally chose you based
on your innovative work
in the Performative Wokeness department.
Wow. Way to mansplain
my own department to me.
And I'm triggered.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, man. What a legend.
Ooh, who you reading about?
Me. I ruled on Earth.
I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.
Even if the car was moving
or on fire or a boat,
I still always got that gas.
Oh, man. I never thought about the fact
that we could look up our own files.
Yeah, I printed out all of ours.
I love you, okay?
Oh. The words are nice,
but the tone is scary.
We're in love, and everything's great,
and if we want to keep it that way,
you have to promise to never,
ever, ever read my file.
Okay. If you don't want me
to, then of course I won't,
but nothing in there could ever
change how I feel about you.
Eh, you say that now, but you don't know
what I did on Halloween 2013.
What did you do on Halloween 2013?
Oh, I don't remember,
but it must've been bad,
because the next morning,
I woke up in a large
Rubbermaid container in
some family's basement,
and I had barfed all over
their old photo albums.
Yeah, see, that's the look
we're trying to avoid here, bud.
I don't need to read your file.
I know you, and I love you.
And I can't wait to spend
eternity with you.
I mean, obviously, we have
a lot of work to do here,
and then we both have to pass the test,
but eventually we're gonna
be together forever...
You have to read my file right now!
What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
Is it a sex game somehow?
I can't risk it.
What if we spend half
of eternity together
and then you find out something
that does change the
way you feel about me
and then you resent me for
wasting half your eternity?
No, it's better we just
rip the Band-Aid off,
and you read about all the bad stuff now
when we're hot and heavy.
Okay. I'll read your file.
Can I finish reading about
Oskar Schindler first?
That's who I got to
follow? The list guy?
You and I are so screwed, dude.
After as many attempts as it takes,
if your human passes
the test and proves that
they deserve to go to the Good Place,
you'll hear this sound.
- [BRIGHT CHIME]
- Good Place, here I come.
This new system is great.
Who do we have to thank for
effortlessly implementing it?
Whoever it is, I think we can all agree
it was a home run.
It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
Sweet Hitler's hairpiece.
Is this movie finally over?
It's basically over. Just one little...
♪ It's simply the test ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Better than other tests ♪
- I think we should stop.
- Okay, so, thoughts?
Yeah. This all sounds so lame.
No, it's the current system that's lame.
It's so basic.
You get a human's file,
and let's be honest,
you never even read it.
You just skip to the fears
and phobias section
and use that to torture them.
Fear of snakes, throw
them in a snake pit.
Worried something's gonna
happen to your normal
cylindrical penis, flatten it.
This new way allows you to test
their specific psychological
flaws and weaknesses.
And trust us, they have plenty.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
I'm in selling mode.
Guys, this is your chance to be part
of a bold new future.
You telling me there's
not one single demon
who wants to design the
very first sample test
of this new system?
Oh, there is.
And she's a stone-cold fox.
Vicky, what are you doing here?
Relax. I heard about the new system,
I love it, and I want
to be a part of it.
Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,
given that you did once try to sabotage
my entire Neighborhood.
Look, after you blew me into goo,
I had a lot of time to think,
while my goo was re-forming.
If things are gonna change,
then I have to change along with them.
And, sure, change can be
scary, but I'm an artist...
which means it's my job to be scared.
All right, fine. Take a seat.
Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
Oh, no, I don't...
I don't need her file.
I know Tahani very well...
self-obsessed, family issues,
way too into being tall.
Typical Vicky... throwing shade.
But it doesn't matter...
'cause I'm casting it.
Because I'm closer to the Sun.
I'm tall.
Oh, no. I knew it.
You hate me now. What did it?
The time I was subpoenaed by
the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
- No.
- Oh, I know what it was.
In my defense, I didn't realize
he was my boyfriend's twin
until halfway into hooking up with him,
and at that point, you
know, it's a sunk cost.
I don't hate you at all.
I mean, you were dealt
a pretty tough hand.
You essentially had to raise yourself,
but you were still more
confident and self-possessed
at 13 than I ever was.
I mean, seeing your whole life
all laid out like this, it's...
it's remarkable.
Okay, so you still love me.
You're still horny for
me, blah, blah, blah.
Then what's wrong?
I'm not good enough for you.
I mean, look at my file.
It is 1/10 as long as yours
because I did nothing with my life.
Yeah, we're very different,
but we already knew that.
Why are you freaking out?
You're cool, confident
Chidi now, remember?
I am confident about
my feelings for you.
I am also confident
that I am a damn drip,
and you deserve to be
with someone who's not.
Like Nicolas, that fireman
that you dated back in 2009.
He rescued people from
burning buildings,
and he was so hot.
Oh, Nicolas the fireman.
Mmm. Nicolas.
I can't argue with you
on that one, but...
I love you.
There is no one else
I want to be with...
at least not forever.
I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants
to make out with me in Heaven,
then you and I are gonna
have a conversation,
but if you read my file and you're good,
then we're good,
unless there's something in your file
that would freak me out,
like you kept out a library
book past the due date.
I moved,
and it got buried in
the bottom of a box.
I put the library in my
will to make up for it.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Relax. Let's get back to work.
Now, when I press this lever,
Tahani will enter the scenario
that Megan has designed
that will test her
ethical decision-making.
Obviously, in the real test,
the humans won't know
they're being tested,
but this should be a good practice run.
Everyone ready?
[ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hors d'oeuvre?
Why, yes. Thank you.
- Chain saw bear!
- [SCREAMS]
Okay, so couple of things.
We're not using chain saw
bears anymore, remember?
Right. Okay, yeah. What else?
It was mainly that one thing.
Why don't you try again?
And remember, the challenges
your test subject faces
should smaller and...
and more relatable.
Okay.
Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.
Is it farm-raised salmon?
'Cause I prefer to support
sustainable fishing.
[CLEARS THROAT] Mondays. Am I right?
Chain saw!
You said smaller and more relatable.
The bear is smaller,
humans hate Mondays and love bacon.
What do you want from me?
Michael, can I try?
I can show them what
you're trying to do.
Fine, Vicky. Go ahead.
Now, first, I need to get
into Tahani's headspace.
[BRITISH ACCENT] 'Ello, love.
Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles.
I once played billiards with
Questlove and Olivia Munn.
[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah, there she is.
Okay, just give me a second.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Whew.
Just finished reading up
about James Buchanan.
Definitely at least a little bi.
I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.
[GRUNTS] I want nachos.
Is there a snack bar here?
What's going on, dog?
I know you're upset. You have a tell.
- I do?
- Yeah,
you "telled" Eleanor before
that you were upset,
and I think you still are.
[SIGHS] Looking at Eleanor's life
made me realize how different we are.
If the system works and
we both pass our tests,
I don't see any version of eternity
where she doesn't get bored of me.
I mean, my fake heaven was
a 600-square-foot apartment
that was essentially a
bookcase and a toilet,
and I loved it.
So what? It's cool that you
guys are so different.
Sometimes two people who
have nothing in common
get together, and it rules.
- Opposites attract.
- Well, you need that to be true
because you're dating Janet.
Ultimate opposites.
So, what, are you saying
Janet might get bored of me?
No, that's not... I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean...
Man... Oh, no.
No, Jason, come back. I...
[SIGHS]
I wish I were back in my toilet library.
And places.
And... action.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Can you believe we're still
having this dinner for Kamilah?
So embarrassing.
She doesn't know this yet,
but I heard that the reviews
for her new album are
going to be dreadful.
The rumor is that the label
is going to drop her.
I heard she may have to fly home coach
and check a bag, whatever that means.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [TAPS GLASS]
Thank you, everyone,
for coming to celebrate
our daughter Kamilah.
I know you're all very busy these days.
Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.
She had to come straight
from the gym. [CHUCKLES]
Would anyone like to say
a few words of praise
about Kamilah's latest album or
any other aspect of Kamilah?
There are so many to celebrate.
Perhaps Tahani should speak.
She's had her share
of failures recently.
Celebrating me could be therapeutic.
Certainly. I can say something.
But I have no idea what.
Goodness, this is hard.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well done, Vicky.
That was quite good... for the system.
For me, it was rather traumatic.
Okay, so, like, her parents
were the chain saw bear,
but instead of chopping off her head,
they chopped off her self-esteem?
Yes, Megan. Good.
Take what you know about them
and then force them into moments
of personal difficulty.
Think of it as flattening
the penises of their heart.
Oh. Now it makes sense.
Why don't you go deeper into her file
and look for other
ways to challenge her?
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, slow down here.
Vicky's example was fine.
There was some good stuff there.
But overall, uh, C-plus.
It was a C-plus, I'd say.
There are some problems with
it, some technical issues
that only I can see and everything.
So, basically,
it actually kind of stunk.
So I think it's just best
if you leave, Vicky.
This is not working. You're bad at this.
C-plus. Okay, good-bye.
Wow. Same old Michael.
Just can't share the spotlight.
- Hmm.
- Well, good-bye, everyone.
That's a wrap on Vicky.
Michael, why did you fire Vicky?
Look, I know she did
well on the first test,
but it's beginner's luck.
There's an X factor here...
a secret sauce that only I truly know
how to pour over
the... the juicy s-steak
of this process.
I've never said this
before, but... what?
Not only is Vicky good at test design,
but she's good at teaching the others.
Well, that's the problem.
She's moving too fast.
We have to learn how to
walk before we can run.
So, first, you thought
it would take forever,
and now it's moving too fast?
First of all, you know, uh, shut up.
A-and second of all, just shut up.
- [GASPS]
- It's obvious what's going on here.
You don't want your nemesis
- to be the one to solve your problem.
- I know that feeling.
Once, on Earth, I didn't know something,
and I had to ask Alexa.
I felt dirty.
No, that's not it.
[SIGHS]
I'm upset, because for
hundreds of years,
I've had a job.
First, it was finding a
better way to torture humans,
then helping them,
then proving the system was broken,
then teaching the demons.
I have to roll a rock up
a hill over and over,
and then it kept rolling down,
so I had to do it again.
And then Vicky comes along with this...
like, rock-lifter thing
and just lifts it to
the top of the hill.
Pushing the rock up the
hill gave me a purpose.
Who am I...
if the rock's gone?
Ironically, that's exactly
what Vin Diesel asked me
when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in
"The Fast and the Furious 9."
Not helpful?
Copy that.
Honestly...
Michael, I don't know
what's to become of you...
or any of us.
But getting Vicky back
is the best chance to
make your plan work now,
so focus on that
and deal with the future in the future.
Hey.
Um...
I'm sorry I said that before, man.
No, you were right.
Janet and I are different.
Maybe it can't last.
Maybe we're like the
Montagues and Capulets.
How do you know that?
I read some books, man.
Jeez.
[SIGHS] Uh, listen.
Maybe on paper, you and Janet
don't make total sense,
but who cares?
The relationship you have
built together is wonderful.
She knows you and loves you,
and that's all that matters.
- Do you really believe that?
- Of course I do.
[LAUGHS] Sucker!
Sorry?
I got you so bad.
Dude, pretend what you just said
was what you said to
you instead of to me.
And you have to listen to yourself,
because it was already in your own head
and then came out. But just
put it back in your head,
and realize that it was you
talking about you and Eleanor.
Against all odds, I know what you mean,
and I-I got to give it up.
That was... that was good.
Yeah, it was.
Chess mate.
[LAUGHING]
Hey!
[CLAPS HANDS] There she is.
Where you off to?
I have an ice-cold yoga class.
It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What do you want?
[SIGHS] I-I'm sorry
that I kicked you out.
I-It wasn't about you.
It was just my own insecurities
getting in the way.
Will you please come back?
No.
I'm not gonna let myself
be degraded by you again.
I am a strong, independent acid snake
in the skin suit of a
strong, independent woman.
Listen, listen, uh...
You were the best part of
my original Neighborhood.
I took you for granted,
and that was wrong.
But now I want to give you
the role of a lifetime.
You're going to run the whole project.
I'll give you all my plans and my notes,
but then I'll... I'll step back,
and... and you'll take over.
Full creative control...
like a director.
What do you say?
Well, um...
that sounds great, but it won't work.
Everyone here hates you so much,
if you just put me in control,
they'll think I'm your puppet.
I can't have any of your
dingleberry stank on me.
I know.
That's why I'm not giving it to you.
You're going to take it.
Hey.
So, uh... I was being stupid.
And Jason gave me some
really good advice.
[CHUCKLES] Classic us.
Look, who we were on Earth
is a tiny part of who we are
and an even smaller part
of who we are together.
So I'm sorry for freaking out.
But also, some day when
we get to the Good Place,
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar
so you don't get bored of me.
I actually prefer drummers.
Read my file.
Sorry for the delay.
Now, for this next phase
of the training...
- Stop right there.
- Vicky?
I thought I got rid of you,
and now you're coming through
the door unexpectedly?
That's right. I'm launching a coup.
My, my, my, we've got
some history, don't we?
But I am still standing, Mikey boy.
And right now I'm taking over.
Explain what you mean for
me and everyone else.
Oh, this is my training
now. You're done.
And all of these demons are
behind me, right, guys?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
All right, Vicky, you win...
this time.
- Tahani, Janet, let's go.
- Hmm.
No, but wait, wait.
We're... we're still fighting.
And it's so heated that, um,
it might just erupt into...
[WHISPERING] The dance battle
from "West Side Story."
No, I'm... I'm too upset
about the coup thing.
Hurry up, hurry up,
before she starts singing.
_
Welcome. Welcome, everyone.
Come on in.
Good Place Architects to my left,
Bad place Architects to my right.
Get your files and orientation packets.
Classes begin in 30 minutes.
Oh, also, my "Movement
for Lava Monsters" class
is now full.
Aw, man.
You got the rock up the hill.
And it looks like it's gonna stay there.
Now we just have to find your next rock.
Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods
is up and running.
- What now?
- [BRIGHT CHIME]
That's the sound when someone
gets into the Good Place.
Who was it? Prince?
It's got to be Prince.
Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,
this whole thing is screwed
up, and we got to start over.
No.
It's you guys.
For real?
The Judge agreed that the four of you
don't need to take the test.
Turns out that saving every soul
in the universe is worth a few points.
You're in.
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I know, I know. It's real this time.
I promise.
Get in.
Are you coming, too?
Yeah, I figured I would.
Recently unemployed.
Might as well do some traveling.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Shall we?
[ELEANOR SIGHS]
Oh.
[GIGGLES]
- See ya.
- ALL: Bye.
Foles!