The Good Place (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Snowplow - full transcript

Michael, a demon has infiltrated
the group.

Not just any demon.

Trevor is a diabolical, sadistic
agent of evil.

Might just be the single most dangerous
creature in the universe.

Who wants lemon bars?

It's my nana's recipe
and they are just sinful.

Love 'em on my lips but hate 'em on my hips,
if you know what I mean.

Alright, new guy, comin' in strong
with free dessert.

You must be Eleanor, the reason
this is all happening.

I am. That's so nice to hear someone say

"Eleanor, you're the reason
this is all happening"



who isn't a judge in small claims court.

Thank you for this, Eleanor.

It's a wonderful thing you've done.

Mm... Happy to help you out, buddy.

Oh, we're doing a long hug!

- Are you crying?
- I'm sorry, I...

God, I'm just so happy to be here,
if that makes sense.

OK, the five of us narrowly avoided death.

The operating theory

of this experiment is that...

So, I give them ethics problems
and we scan their brains

and we get a sense
of their baseline moral instincts.

Right. Then I'll show them pictures

that trigger memories
of their near-death experiences.



We'll scan again,
and see if we get a different result.

For example, I'll show Jason
pictures of: a safe...

a snorkel, and whip-it canisters.

Got it. Also, what a grim death
that would've been.

Darling, do you remember all the rules
about what can

and cannot be worn inside an MRI?

More specifically,
what if one's brassiere is very thin

but also very pure... gold.

I dunno but I'm in a similar "situ-aysh"

because the sports bra I'm wearing
is kind of rust-coloured

underneath the armpits, so I guess
we'll roll the dice together.

Hey, Eleanor, do I have
the right phone number for you?

You haven't responded
to any of the dank memes I've sent!

Oh, yeah, I...

cos I was laughing too hard to reply.

OK, what's your "fave?"
Cos mine's "Damn, Daniel!"

"Back at it again with the white Vans!"

- Should we get started maybe?
- Oh, Mrs Teacher...

for my turn, is there any way to get like...

- extra radiation?
- There is no radiation in an MRI.

- But why do you ask?
- Uh, no reason.

Jason, what have you got
in your hand there, bud?

- Nothing.
- Is it a spider?

- Yes.
- Do you think taking a spider

in an MRI machine
will give you super powers?

Hey, it might work. He already bit me
a bunch of times

and gave me the power to swell up my hand!

- Oh, my God!
- What?

- Trevor.
- Hey, Mikey, fancy seeing you down on Earth

completely illegally.

Sweet outfit.

Dick Tracy called, he said you're a butt-face
and he's been ploughing your mum.

Yeah, well, Dick Tracy called me too, first.

And he said he was about to call you
and say a lie about me

that was actually true about you, instead.

Whatever.

What are you doing here, Trevor?

Shawn hacked the Judge's system,
and we caught you cheating

getting your four little cockroaches
to meet up.

What? You think we were just gonna sit
around in the Bad Place blowin' beefers

while you're down on Earth
boning us in the meat-hole?

So, why didn't Shawn just go
to the Judge and turn me in?

Because this way's more fun, knuckle-nuts!

First of all...

I'm currently formulating a better comeback
to your Dick Tracy burn

and it's gonna devastate you.

Second, you're too late...

because when I did this experiment
in my Neighbourhood

every time Eleanor asked Chidi for help,
their bond became unbreakable

and the entire group improved.

No, you're right.

There's no way I'll get one of these bozos
to drop out of an unpaid

rigorous academic, study, especially
when they're doing it with me...

their overeager new best friend.

Well, I should head back.
You want to come with?

Oh, right, they've all seen you already

so you can't show your face to them again...

so you're powerless to stop me.

Later days, dingus.

Dick Tracy called back, on his watch phone

and said you better watch out!

Shoot. A second too late.

OK, uh, Simone's gotta analyse the scans,
so why don't the rest of you head home?

- Good first day, everyone.
- Hey, Teach. Um...

do you think maybe...

we could continue the one-on-one lessons
on the side?

I feel like, last week, I had my own
personal ninja master

and now I'm taking tai chi
with bunch of farting housewives.

Between the new project and my classes,
I won't have time.

But this is way better!
You're still gonna learn a lot

and you'll have a fun group of people
to study with outside of class!

- But...
- Hey, gang!

I just had a neat idea.

Let's all go sight seeing.

- Dope!
- Yeah, we can check out Sydney

get to know each other, bond.

What do you say, E-Street Band,
you up for a Segway tour of...

Australia, mate?

This is a knife, on the barbie.

Cool idea.

I'm just worried that maybe
it's too cool.

I think I'm just gonna find the nearest bar,
have one or eight drinks and hit the hay.

Even better, we'll all go

"bend an elbow".

Actually, I know the perfect place
for homesick Americans!

Hi, dudes!

Welcome to the Cowboy
Skyscraper Buffet!

Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table?
They absolutely nail the swamp stench!

Aw, someone's seated there.

But if you purchase our "Manifest Destiny"
package for 30 dollars

you can have anyone you want
forcibly removed from the table.

We'll just sit anywhere.

When your table's ready,
this gun will go off!

I think... this is real.

So listen up, y'all.

I was so excited to join the group

that I made sweatshirts!

You get a sweatshirt.

You get a sweatshirt.

- You get a sweatshirt.
- I get a sweatshirt.

The Brain-y Bunch.

Awesome! I love being on teams!

And if we're on a
team now, we need nicknames!

Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz, uh...
Megatron.

That's what you can each call me.
Now we need nicknames for you guys.

Ah, this is the best!

I'm gonna get the first round
and we are all gonna toast to Eleanor

The reason we're all here! Yay, Eleanor!

Oh, well if you guys are celebrating,
I recommend the jalapeño poppers.

Hi there, I'm Janet.

I'll be taking care of you tonight.

Can I get you started with some drinks?

Our specialty cocktail tonight
is "The Fourth of July".

It's half an apple pie, blended
with Southern Comfort and Coca Cola

served in a Chevy hubcap.

Why don't you just go get us
a round of beers?

Of course. Here you go...

Sorry... I... will...

go... physically... pick those up...

I guess, and... then walk them
back here with my feet.

But just so you know,
I will be here all night.

Watching everything...

that... you... order.

So, Ellie Baby. Brainstorm.
We should get a house!

Me, you, Tahani, Jason,
we should all go in together on a place!

- Roomies!
- Roomies!

That is...

technically an idea.

I think it would be "supes" fun.
We could play pranks

- on each other for my vlog.
- No.

We could do one of those
ice bucket challenges

- that I sent you.
- I don't think so.

- Not!
- Or maybe just a Harlem Shake?

I like to cook.

And I have been dying to experiment
- Please stop.

- ...with Jamaican food, man.
- Please stop now!

I like-a Jamaican food.

Listen to the reggae and smoke da joint.

That's a Jamaican accent.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!

Hey, how's it going?

Not good, Michael. I don't have my powers.
I can't summon things.

Dictionary. Spaghetti.

Jet-ski. Giraffe. Gah!

Look what I've been reduced to!

Humans only live 80 years

and they spend so much of it
just waiting for things to be over.

I'm all out of sorts down here, too.

I'm bad at lying now.
That used to be my thing!

And every part of my body is either
too dry or too wet.

It's worse for me, man!

Ever since we walked through that portal,
my knowledge has stopped updating.

The instant before we left

a man in Caracas, Venezuela
named Raul Benitez

was eating a ham sandwich.

Did he finish it? I don't know
and it's making me crazy!

- I gotta find him.
- Janet!

Focus on the mission!

We have to get Trevor away from the humans.

I am so glad you came out with us, man!

I just assumed you would think it's
unprofessional to be friends

with the subjects of your study.

No, I never thought that.

I mean, I... I kind of do now.

Should I not be socialising?

I'm sure it's fine. I mean,
how much harm could it possibly do.

Good point.

Such a good point, that I'm gonna go think
about how good a point that is

over there, by myself,
for several minutes. Excuse me.

Hey, "El-Train"...

you think with all these new Star Wars movies
they'll finally make a new Spaceballs?

I'm sorry, I'm getting a text,
and I have to take this.

OK, everybody...

here are your beers

and here is yours. Oh no!

Oh...

I guess you should go to the bathroom,
or maybe go home and never come back.

No worries. I made extra sweatshirts!

Besides, we're having too much fun to leave.

Hey, speaking of fun, I know this super-fun
drinking game we can play.

Every time one of you says something
that the other can't relate to

you both drink.

Could be fun. I once played a drinking game
with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively

at their macrobiotic farm

with a particularly robust batch
of homemade kombucha.

Do I have to drink for every word
I don't know?

Up to you. Just drink.

Ooh, hey, what happened with Chidi

and where's Eleanor?

This... this... this is all moving too fast!

Can we just take Trevor out?

I don't know if he can die, but I could drop
a steamroller on his head.

Oh, darn it! I can't summon things!

I guess I could kick him with my soft feet?

- Earth sucks!
- You stay on Trevor.

Keep interfering with his plan, alright?

I'm gonna do my librarian act
and nudge Chidi back to the table.

Oh! Yummy!

You gotta relax, man, you're off the clock.

It's just a simple drink with friends

at the world's worst restaurant.

No, but Trevor's right.

I might skew the study
by fraternising with the subjects.

We can be colleagues.

"Associates" is pushing it.

And by even having this conversation,
you're becoming my confidant!

I can't have that.

Geez, I kinda thought that before everyone
else showed up, you and I were...

like becoming actual friends.

Oh no, you're right! What have I done?

OK, OK. I... I'm gonna go...
to the bar and get you a hot tea.

- OK.
- Or a regular-temperature Xanax.

- Mm.
- Try not to fall apart.

Professor Anagonye!

Oh, yeah, I thought I recognised you.

It's me, the librarian, from the library.

Oh, right. Hi!

Sorry, uh... I was just kind of
in the middle of something here.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know what I like to do
in situations like these?

I haven't told you anything
about what I'm going through.

Do that first.

Then I'll tell you
what I'd do in situations

such as the one you're about to describe.

I've been in every situation.

Cos I'm a librarian.

Hit me, go ahead.

- Mm...
- Ah-la-la-la.

I'm tired.

Does anybody want a gallon of water

- to sober up?
- No thanks, sweetheart.

I just called a car for these two lovebirds.

So why don't you just bring us the cheque?

Oh, and you should smile more...

you'll get bigger tips.

- Gosh, you're pretty.
- No.

You're pretty.

Pretty beautiful.

If you ask me, Chidi...

you need to get back over there, you know,
spend time with the team.

Though we do have a saying
in the library game.

Uh... "There's only room
for one male subject

in an academic study.

So keep the one who got there first".

- Catchy.
- Gotta go now.

Closest thing I could find to herbal tea
was a root beer

I had them throw in the microwave.

Dou know what? Don't drink that!

I think I'm just gonna head home.

But you can go and spend time
with the others.

Yeah, man, that's not really
what I signed up for.

I mean, Tahani is... meh.

But Jason, woof!

And Trevor... urgh!

They're not the reason I flew
all the way from Arizona.

- You are.
- I'm sorry.

Uh... but this is just...

how it has to be.

I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, E-dog, get over here.

It's trivia night.

First round questions are
all about Logan Paul

and you know I'm Lo-gang for life.

Go put your head up your own butt.

- What?
- What?

What?

Oh, don't you butt-necks ever give up?

No, and what are you even doing in a
bathroom? You're a demon, you don't...

- need it.
- I like the smells.

And I like putting my hands in the toilet

so everything I touch gets a little bit
of poop on it.

Hey, you guys see what I did out there?

I am so good, I got Eleanor
to leave a bar... early!

Chidi's melting down,
Jason and Tahani just left together.

If they hook up, she's on the first
private jet out of here.

This was too easy!

Gonna take a lot more than that
to break up this group.

Why don't you give up, Trevor?

As long as we're here,
you'll never succeed.

Maybe, but how long will
that take?

I mean, at some point
the Judge will find out

that you're not in your little room
watching ticker tape.

Right? Tick, tick, tick, tick.

But hey, may the worst demon win.

Good luck, Mikey.

- Ha, poop hands!
- Oh!

I can't believe you fell for that!

Are you alright?
You didn't sleep at all last night.

Yeah, I got a solid eight minutes.

Not consecutively,
but still. It's fine!

You're not even that blurry.

You gotta take it easy, man.

I mean, you're not sleeping.
Your eye is twitching.

This study has to be airtight.

And this ethical question of friendship

with the subjects is weighing on me.

I've done a million of these things.

I promise I'll warn you
if you cross any lines.

I don't want to come anywhere near
those lines!

I have been waiting my entire career
for the right thesis

and I am not going to blow it.

I have to keep this professional.

Fine. But you need to get some rest.

This morning you bit into a raw egg
like it was an apple.

I thought it was hard boiled.

Yeah, but still the shell.

This is the best secret friend
handshake, bro.

And it goes...

Attention everyone, do not look at me!

Oh, I don't... don't know
what to do.

I am both over hung and humiliated

by my uncouth comportment
last night.

Please accept
these formal letters of apology.

Further apologies for their appearance.

I just couldn't find a proper calligrapher
at five in the morning.

So what happened to you two love birds
last night, huh?

- Frankly, it is none of your business.
- Uh, sorry.

Jason was a perfect gentleman last night.

Thank you so much
for getting me home safely.

I wouldn't blame you, should you
ostracise me for my boorish behaviour.

You weren't boring, you were fun.

Crazy story. After you got into the cab,
I forgot where I lived

but then I looked across the street
and there was a motel.

And behind that there was a dumpster.
I slept in a dumpster.

- Jason!
- No, no, no, it was fine.

And it was super fun getting to know you.

You're the fanciest person I know.

Next to my friend Ronnie, who drives a limo.

He's in limos all the time.

Oh, what a life.

Right. As soon as Eleanor gets here,
we'll begin.

Bad news, prof, Eleanor might not be coming.

She bailed right after you did last night.

Seemed like she was having second thoughts
about being part of the brainy bunch, so...

Oh, well that's disappointing.

In... in terms of...

how it affects the study, but...

we press on, like professionals.

- Hey, do you think I should...
- Yeah.

And I already called you a car
because you should not drive.

- It's outside.
- Thanks.

Where's outside?

Hey, man.

Are you OK?

Sorry, uh, literally one second ago

I was at the front desk.
Uh, don't know where I got this.

Anyway, are you coming to class?

I just don't think
the group thing is for me.

I'm better when it's one-on-one

and we're both looking at our phones
and I don't know the other person

and we don't talk.
I might just head back to Arizona.

L... listen.

My whole life has been a...
a torture chamber of indecision

and now I'm finally on the path
to understanding why

and the only reason that's happening
is because you walked into my office

and you said you wanted
to be a better person.

That was really brave.

Now, I know we barely know each other but...
please could you give me three months?

Can you give me three months?
I am asking you as a friend.

See, I just told you I don't like talking.

That whole thing could have been sent
in a text that I pretended I never saw.

Fine. You did good at talking.
I'll come back to class.

Come in. No?

- I'm gonna drive you back.
- OK.

Hey.

Hey, Dick Tracy called...

said that I was right about Eleanor
and Chidi having an unbreakable bond.

I don't think you understand
how that joke works.

Yeah, that doesn't matter.
We won, that's the point.

You won squat.
We're gonna get 'em eventually.

I'll just keep chipping away
till one of 'em bails.

These four humans are all I care about
in the universe

and there is nothing, I mean nothing

that's gonna come between me...

Oh, cool. You're all together.

The Judge wants to see you.

Now? Right now?

- Um, like all of us or...
- Yep.

So this is Earth, huh?

Whoo! Pretty cool.

Michael, how many times
did I say you could go down to Earth?

- Actually, you weren't 100% explicit...
- One time!

I said you could go down there,
save their lives

start the new time line
and then come back here to observe them.

One time!

Is what I said. Un o!

One!

Your Honour, I have to say, I support you
one "hundo" percent.

I mean, what Michael did is unbelievable.

Now, granted, I also tricked the Doorman
and snuck down to Earth

but what are we gonna do...

Do you realise what you did?

You meddled in human affairs.

That ripples out, man.

Do you know how much weird stuff has happened
because of your little experiment?

England left Europe.

That Hugh Jackman musical
about P. T. Barnham...

it made like 400 million dollars.

Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars
are good now!

Impossible!

I ' m se ri ous!
They're gonna make the playoffs.

Blake Bortles is kind of OK...

Maybe? I don't know, it's being debated
amongst experts.

It's confusing.
But whatever it is, it's yo' fault!

Your experiment with the humans is over.

- Are you gonna kill them?
- No.

But starting now...

there is no more monitoring them.

They're just regular humans that need
to hit the regular point threshold

to see if they make it into the Good Place.

- Hm...
- And if they don't...

And right now, the two of you
are going back to the Bad Place.

But they'll retire Michael.

And I'll be marbleised!

Well, maybe you should have
thought about that

before you intervened in human affairs!

I mean, because of you, Byron Allen owns
The Weather Channel now.

- Is-is that bad?
- I don't know, but it's weird, man!

Now, come with me.

Hey, my powers are back online.

This must be everything
I tried to summon on Earth.

- Stop it!
- I don't think I can. I'm like a printer

when the print queue suddenly starts
processing all the unprinted documents...

Oh, man! Buckle up, folks.

Let's go. Right now!

Jan et!

Make it stop! Janet, stop it!

Janet, this is annoying!

Jan et!

Good luck, frog man. I'm pulling for ya.

Janet, I know you're still there.

- They escaped.
- Yeah. Thanks, Jeff.