The Good Place (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Brainy Bunch - full transcript

Hey, bud.

Brought you some decaf hazelnut
anti-matter.

Just a little treat for my ol' pal,
the Doorman.

Headin' back down, by the way...
Ahem.

You sure the Judge is OK with you going
back to Earth so many times?

Oh, yeah, all good.
See?

Still got the papers.

Shouldn't be long.

How are we doing, Steve?

I'm trying, I'm getting close.

Good, no pressure.



A-ha!

Someone just went down to Earth

and that gave me a back door
to the Judge's system.

Now we can see everything that's happening
with all four humans.

Excellent work, Steve.

Uh-oh, looks like someone's
been cocooning again.

You know, it would be a real help if you let
me know the next time you're about to...

Well, well, well...

looks like Michael's been caught
with his hand in the human jar.

- Good one, boss!
- Shut up, Glenn!

Morning, Teach!

Ready to discuss philosophy!

Obviously, I'm kidding,
how was your date with Simone?

Spill it, sweetheart.



We had a great time. Thank you, again

for bullying me into asking her out.

Well, I owed it to you.

And, bonus, I realised I was practising
virtue ethics

by helping the two of you bone down.

OK, not appropriate, also not a great
understanding of virtue ethics.

- Well, we can agree to disagree.
- But, if you must know...

it was very chaste, we didn't even kiss.

- Because you chickened out?
- I did, yeah!

I totally chickened out
and I am so mad at myself.

Well, hey...

Maybe it wasn't the right moment.

Knowing the two of you nerds,
your first kiss is gonna be

while reading Plato in an MRI machine.

Oh, hang on.

Come with me.

Simone, what's the one thing Eleanor
and I have in common?

You both have a complete disregard
for my office hours?

- Sorry, Reginald.
- Ah, no worries.

Look, listen, Eleanor is

- an Arizona trash bag...
- Yep.

- Her words, not mine.
- Totally.

Who has a complete disregard for ethics

and once told me that her greatest
accomplishment was

breaking into Charles Barkley's house.

Mm, he was on the road,
I snuck in through the doggy door

tried on all his giant shoes...

One of my top five Christmases.

Listen, the point is...

Eleanor and I have nothing in common

except that we both almost died
and it made us want to be better people.

This is my thesis idea.

I will explore the effect
of near death experiences

on ethical decision making.

I will get a group of people together
who have had near death experiences

ask them ethical questions
and see if there's any commonality.

That's great.

Why are you yelling it at me?

Because I need your help!
You and your magic brain scan machine.

Oh, of course!

A joint study
with the neuroscience department.

We can use MRI mapping to see if

a near death experience
alters brain function.

There's something there, right?

Definitely, I love this.

Great. Also, I wanted to kiss you
last night

but I chickened out,
so I'm gonna kiss you now.

Good, yes, I want that, please.

Oh, sorry Reginald.

- What were you saying?
- Um, that I can't come to class tomorrow

cos my grandma died.

Ouf!

Real mood ruiner!

Read the room, dude!

Bingo!

OK.

Oh, good, you're here.

Eleanor, meet the newest member
of our ethical neuroscientific study

Tahani Al-Jamil.

Hello, Eleanor.
Delighted to meet you.

Al-Jamil, oh...
you're Camila's sister!

I am, yes.

If you want an autograph or something,
I can probably arrange it.

Eh, I was never really that
into her.

No offence.

Oh, I assure you, there is none taken.

So, how did you come to join our team?

Well, it's a bit of a story, I suppose.

It began about a year ago.

Well done, Tahani.

Who saved me?

Did anyone see who just saved my life?

- It was Camila!
- No, it was a man, I think.

It was Camila!

- Camila!
- No, it wasn't Camila!

It was someone over there.

Camila! Camila! Camila!

I had almost died.

In that very moment

I decided to change my life.

First I cleansed myself of all the worldly
possessions that had been weighing me down

like anchors: the dresses, the jewels.
I gave them all to good Will.

That's what I call Prince William.
Since he'd married a commoner I...

assumed he knew some needy people
they could go to.

Sure.

Then I deleted
all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.

Goodbye, Bono.

Goodbye, The Edge.

Goodbye, The Edge's real phone number
that even Bono doesn't have.

And most importantly, I put physical distance
between me and my old life.

Book me a flight to Tibet.

I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery.

I need to get out of the spotlight.

Copy that, I'll see what jets are available.

No, I'm flying commercial.

- OK, first class, I assume?
- No.

I'm a woman of the people now.

Comfort plus.

And there, in that humble monastery

thousands of miles from the meaningless
concerns of high society.

I embarked upon a quest for enlightenment.

I learned to embrace a life of simplicity.

I meditated.

I worked.

I gave back to Mother Earth

and I slept.

My soul had never felt so nourished.

Until one day, my former life
came knocking at the open space

where a door would have been
if we were given any privacy.

Yo!

Is that Tahani Al-Jamil?

Man, it totes is you.

What up, I'm Colby, Squalor News.

What are you doing in this monastery?

Oh, we're doing a new show
about poverty, drug lords, gun running

weird ass restaurants, skateboarding and...
oh, and also genocide.

It's called "Society Is Effed".

What are you doing here, though?

Is this where you came
after your sister saved your life?

I am living here as a way to shed
my desire for attention.

"Toight!" That's what's up.
You gotta shed that, right?

But listen If you ever want us to do like

a monster profile on you
and your monk junk

would be honoured AF.

I think people would be "supes" interested
in what you're doing here. For real.

Look, here's my card.
Think about it.

Of course I never called him
to do that profile

because I didn't pursue a life
of tranquillity to get in front of a camera.

I did it to get out
of the spotlight.

And that's what my book is about.

Shedding your need for validation
from others.

Publisher says you'll hit
two million copies sold by next week.

Your "Five Hundred Eighty-Two Questions With"
video was nominated for a BAFTA.

- Oh, that's fun.
- Also, they want you for Oprah.

- Oprah's off the air.
- No, they want you to take over for Oprah.

Also this investor wants to meet you.

I checked him out, he's legit.

Tahani!

Gordon Indigo.

I just have to say, you are so inspiring.

Aw...

- Namaste.
- I mean...

you really have all these idiots fooled.

- Excuse me?
- Listen.

I'm sure you're already rolling in dough
from this incredible scam

but have you thought about merch?

Because we could, uh...
we could partner here.

I made a fortune selling Nirvana orbs
which is to say...

driving range golf balls
that I painted silver.

- That's awful!
- No, it's healing!

Wink!

I mean, you should be selling candles

prayer robes, meditation gum...

whatever crap you can think of

- cos these people will buy it.
- That is quite enough.

And how dare you insinuate
that I'm not authentic.

I've finished signing your headshots.

- Oh! Not now!
- Miss Al-Jamil

it's OK.

You and I are the same.

I love what you're doing here.

You get to be rich and famous.

And not have to do any of the work
of helping people.

But I am helping people.

- You need to go, right now.
- Suit yourself.

Look, if you change your mind,
I'm online.

Just google, "Crystals that prevent
erectile dysfunction."

I'm sorry, but Miss Al-Jamil
doesn't have time

to participate in an "ethical study"
at some random university.

If you want to meet her, you can sign up
for the "Get Out of the Spotlight" cruise

with special guests Deepak Chopra
and Will.I.Am...

Hello?

This is Tahani Al-Jamil.

Oh, uh, hi. I didn't think
I'd actually get you.

My name is Chidi Anagonye

and I'm doing an academic study
on near-death experiences

and ethical decision-making.

- I read an article about you...
- Will it help people?

That's all I want to know.
Will this help people?

Yes, I... I, I think so. I mean...

- that's the goal.
- Send me the info.

I'll be there tomorrow morning.

Wow.

How had you learned about me, I wonder?

A professor I'd never heard of
named Charles Brainman

sent me an article about you,
said you'd be perfect for our study.

Well, welcome to Australia!

Oh, if you need a place to crash

while you get settled,
my motel has a pull-out sofa.

Although, as I say that, and I look at you
and your whole thing

realise that's absurd, and you should
probably just get your own place.

Yes, I... I think that's, uh... best.

- But... but thank you!
- Mm-hm.

Three down.

One to go.

'Sup, bud!

I've been lookin' for you!

- Oh, sorry, are these your rocks?
- No.

Look, my name is Zack Pizazz

international talent scout.

I've been tracking your dance troupe, man.

I think you really got the goods!

I want you to come on down to Australia

and start a new crew.
Alright, I'll pay for everything.

May have a few other obligations,
but basically...

Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man.

I'm done with dancing.

But... wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa...
you... you heard what my name was, right?

- Zack Pizazz?
- My life is just kinda messed up right now.

I had a really tough year.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Want to talk about it?
I'm a pretty good listener.

Well, my year...

started about a year ago.

Pillboi? I can't breathe and I'm freaking out
and I'm almost out of whip-its!

- Pillboi!
- Buongiorno! Buongiorno!

Yo! What happened?

I couldn't breathe.
The snorkel must have been broken!

Yo, that sucks!

- You ready to get back in there?
- No, man!

We're not doing this no more.

I almost died trying to rob
a Mexican restaurant.

I have to change my life.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna win this dance competition.

So you didn't see any other posters there?

No, don't think so, why?

It doesn't matter, continue.

Homies, I almost died yesterday.

But we've been given a second chance.

Three months from today, on this very stage,
in the Carmen Electra Auditorium

right here at the Smith & Wesson
Performing Arts Centre

and "A.T.V." Repair Shop

we are going to win this...

dance competition.

How? You ask.

By working. We are going to eat,
breathe, and vape dance.

I want you thinking about dance 24/7.

That means every day you think
20 thoughts about dance

for seven minutes.

And if you can't promise me that you'll give
this dance crew everything that you've got

then you can walk out that door...

right now.

- Yep, OK. I'm out.
- What?

Come on, Donkey Doug!
After all we've been through?

Listen, you know you're my boy,
but this sounds like a lotta work. Good luck.

Pew pew!

Donkey Doug out!

Damn. That's a tough blow.

But, now that those guys are no longer
members of our crew

we can legally rob their houses!

No, Li'l Peanut! We're gonna do this
the right way.

No more crime! And if you don't like that,
you can walk out that door...

right now.

Wh...? Gah... Come on...

We still got like thirty-five people, so...

let's get to work.

Quick announcement.

Will the owner of
a 1998 Toyota Tercel

with golden pythons painted
on both sides

license plate "GOT MILF"
please see an usher?

Your car has exploded.

Alright, y'all ready
for the next act?

Please give it up right now
for "Dance Dance Resolution!"

In the six-year history
of this competition

no crew has ever received
a perfect score from our judges.

That changed tonight.

But before we get to that,
"Dance Dance Resolution"

has been disqualified.

What? No!

- Why?
- Because you have 40 people on stage.

The limit is eight.

Also one of your members tried
to carjack me on my way in here.

No, that was Donkey Doug

and he's not a part
of our crew anymore. We win. We win.

We win! We win! We win!

No, again, you are disqualified.

And the winner is...

"Panther Blood"!

And the winner is...

"Suck Monsters".

And the winner is...

Nobody. All teams are disqualified,
due to violence.

OK, well...

We're out of rent money, so...

remember that thing I said
about "no more crime"?

That's over now, go do crime.

- Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.
- Dammit!

That was easy!

Look, please let me go.

I only did it to pay rent
for my dance crew's rehearsal space.

Oh, well then you're in luck.

We only arrest people for robbery
if they don't have a reason.

Sorry it took me
so long to bail you out.

Nah, it was my fault.

I shouldn't have used my one phone call
to prank the police department.

Man, a year ago I almost died

and I'm exactly the same
as I was before.

- A failure.
- You're not a failure.

You're a dreamer.

Look, I like my job
at the old folks home.

Those old biddies are sweet

and sometimes they give me
what they think are candy

but are really loose Vicodin.

But when I'm with you,
I feel like the sky's the limit.

I feel like someday I'll be able to buy
my own Vicodin.

And it'll never turn out
to actually be laxatives.

Thanks, dawg.
But if my life ended today

what would my legacy be?

Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike
through an entire Waffle House...

and I was once interviewed on the news
for finding a foot on the beach

but, yo, other than that I have
no truly great accomplishments.

Bro...

Bro, I'm only saying this
because I love you.

Do you want a Vicodin right now?

So I walked out of that bar

came down to this wharf

threw a rock at a snake

met a guy named Zack Pizazz

talked to him about
my crazy year that I've had

which started
when I was locked in a safe...

No, that was me.

I'm Zack Pizazz.

- We're caught up now.
- Oh, yeah.

A year ago, if you had asked me

to run a dance crew in Atlantis...

- Australia.
- I would have said "yes", for sure.

But now, and I know this sounds crazy...

but I'm starting to think
there might be more to life

than amateur
street dancing competitions.

It's funny, but I know exactly
what you mean.

My goal in life used to be
completely different too.

I used to rep this crew called...
"The Demons."

- Wow.
- I remember you guys!

Didn't you all die when someone brought
a hammerhead shark into your hot tub?

Different demons.

The point is, I had to leave
my old crew behind

you know, but I met new friends,
who helped me become...

a better person.

Look, I know this group of people
who are also searching for meaning.

They might be able to help you find
what you're looking for.

What do you think? You wanna meet them?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Do we have to leave right now?

My friend gave me a pill
that I realised one second ago

was definitely a laxative...

No, go, go!

Well, that is the last time
I'll need to head back down there.

So, to thank you for your help

I brought you back something from Earth.

A little token of my appreciation.

It keeps your anti-matter warmer,
for longer!

- It's a frog!
- Yeah.

- There's a frog on it.
- Yeah.

Right there, it's a frog!

Oh, man, it's great. It's classic.

Oh, this guy's a jumper, you can tell.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wow, that... really went over big.

How's Jason? Is he still cute?

- Uh... he looks about the same.
- That's sounds cute.

- Hi, guys.
- Oh...

- Hey.
- Long time no see.

- Yeah.
- How's it going?

So good. I mean, everything is going
according to plan

and nothing is going differently
from the plan.

Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.

- I'm just stretching my legs.
- Oh.

Just binged like 300 episodes of NCIS

- Ooh!
- You know, I'm not a human woman

that Mark Harmon can "get it".

You know what I'm sayin'?

Speaking of human cutie pies,
how's that Chidi doing?

Oh, sorry, Judge. Let me just...

Oh, hey! You know what you would love

- if you like Mark Harmon?
- Uh-huh?

"Stealing Home". He is very sexy
in "Stealing Home"

according to the private thoughts of more
than seven million Caucasian women.

Oh, hot tip! Thanks y'all.

- You guys wanna come with?
- Ooh...

We can watch together,
I can whip up some nachos...

I am incapable of eating, so...

Suit yourselves, party poopers.

Huh, party poopers!

I guess it'll be just me and Mark, then.

Naughty, naughty!

Oh, boy. Michael, we almost just got busted.

Yeah, but we didn't and more importantly...

Jason just arrived in Australia.

The four of them are finally together.
Oh, we did it, Janet.

We got away with it.

So, this is our MRI machine.

Oh, don't... don't touch that.

Each of you will get a chance
in here eventually.

Hopefully, none of you's claustrophobic?

Claws-naphobic? Who would ever
be scared of Santa Claus?

Oh, the Jewish.

You from Florida?

- Jacksonville.
- Yeah!

That should be fine for me.
It's roughly the same size

as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic
anti-aging chamber

and I've never had a problem in there, so...

I'll be OK, too.

It kinda reminds me of the home tanning
booth I lost my virginity in.

Wow. I cannot wait to take a look
at these three brains.

Oh, forgot to mention. There's one more
person who will be joining us.

Seems like a really interesting guy.

He was almost run over by a train
a few months ago

heard about the study,
emailed me last night.

This doesn't make any sense.

They're all there.

What's going on?

Oh, no.

- What is it?
- Something bad, Janet, something

very dark...

and evil.

Oh, yes. Come on in.

Everyone...

- this is Trevor.
- Hey, guys.

It is so great to meet you.