The Good Place (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Everything Is Bonzer! - full transcript
Michael prevents the deaths of Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani and Jason, hoping a second chance at life will allow them to become better people.
I still believe that they
would've become good people
if they'd just gotten a push
in the right direction.
Oh, no!
It's only four people,
and it's clearly the best way to see
if bad people can become good
without knowing anything
about what's waiting for them
in the afterlife.
- OK, let's do it.
- Yes!
But there have to be strict rules.
Otherwise, the results will be tainted.
And I reserve the right to change
my mind at any point.
Would someone who's not an eternal being
please explain to me
what the f...
Hi. I'm Michael.
You must be the Doorman?
Ah!
This is wild.
Had no idea this was even here.
So, I have this ruling
from the Judge...
heading on down to Earth to reverse
the deaths of these four people.
It's kinda tricky, you know,
it starts up a new timeline
so there might be some ripple effects
but it's necessary, for the...
the experiment that we're doing there.
So how long does this trip take?
Hope I don't get a middle seat.
Wow.
I haven't heard a joke
in 8,000 years.
And I still haven't.
That's the door to Earth.
Go through there,
you'll be wherever you need to be.
You won't have any other powers, though.
You wanna get around, you're just gonna
have to take a bus or something.
A bus?
Oh, boy!
Oh, man, I'm gonna sit
in a front-facing seat!
Or no, no,
m-maybe a sideways-facing seat!
I'm... I'm gonna get
so motion-sick!
Oh, man!
What do I do, just grab
the key here...?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
This key is made of the very first atoms
that came into existence in the universe.
It is one of a kind,
and cannot be duplicated. See?
"Do not duplicate."
Only I touch this key.
And... and what's the significance
of the keychain?
Nothing. I just like frogs.
I'm a frog guy.
When you need to get back here,
make sure you're alone, press this button.
Any questions? No? Great.
Knock yourself out.
Uh-oh.
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment
in our friendship...
On your right, mate!
Geez! Watch it, man!
Come down to the ground
where you belong!
Buongiorno!
Buongiorno!
Oh, wow!
I was just on Earth!
It was incredible!
The-the traffic... the pigeons!
And I saw this place that was at once
a Pizza Hut
and a Taco Bell!
I mean, oh... the mind reels!
A Pizza Hut and
a Taco Bell! Ah!
Oh, Janet, it was everything
I ever imagined.
I got to ride a bike.
I put a coin in a thing
and got a gumball.
And then someone came up to me and said,
"Hot enough for ya?"
And you know what I said?
I said, "Tell me about it."
While I am glad
that you got to chew a gumball...
Oh, damn.
I didn't even think to chew it.
Missed opportunity. Shoot.
...did you also save their lives?
Yes, of course. Everyone is safe.
Including Jason.
Now, just sit back
and watch as they become better people.
Being good is for suckers!
What do you even get out of it? I quit.
Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
Morning, Chidi!
Blueberry muffin for ya?
Uh... I-I don't know.
Maybe. I can't decide.
- You alright there, mate?
- OK.
I've made my decision.
I want to...
start crying!
Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm from International Sophisticate Magazine.
Mind if we ask you 582 questions?
Sounds delightful!
Where are we, exactly?
My pied-à-terre,
just off the coast of Barcelona.
What's one thing
people don't know about you?
That I was such a tomboy in high school.
See?
Wow! Looking good! OK, next question.
Who would you say is the most famous person
in your phone?
It's not about "who you know."
Enlightenment comes from within.
The Dalai Lama texted me that.
Kay, will you make me the happiest man
in the world
and agree to be my wife?
No.
Do you think my name is the letter "K"?
Just say yes! If we're married,
legally you can't arrest me.
Plus, bonus, you get half the stuff I stole!
Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.
Dammit!
You realise what the problem is, right?
Yes, but there's no way to help.
Maybe there is.
In the afterlife, they all got better
because they helped each other.
And the key to that
was Chidi and Eleanor's connection.
If I get the two of them together,
everything else will follow.
- Michael, no...
- I'm gonna meet Eleanor someplace
and plant the idea in her mind
that she needs to find Chidi.
Oh, and then maybe I'll visit Chidi
and make sure that he helps her
when she shows up.
I'm just gonna nudge
the two of them together.
Just nudgey-nudge-nudge.
The Judge was pretty clear
in her instructions
and the Judge is, you know, the Judge
of, you know, The Universe.
She'll never find out.
She spends all her time in her chambers
bingeing TV shows.
She's watching all of "N.C.I.S." right now!
Hey, there.
Need to head on back to Earth.
Hm. Travel papers?
Yeah. You know, the, uh... Judge said
to use the same ones.
Cos I'm, um, you know,
visiting the same people.
Yeah, oh yeah... I almost forgot.
Brought you a nice hot cup of anti-matter.
I usually only drink decaf anti-matter.
- Ah.
- Eh, I'll take it.
It's only 4:30.
- My shift doesn't end till nine billion.
- Oof!
What do I owe ya?
The real question, Eleanor...
is "what do we owe to each other?"
What do we owe
to each other?
That is the question Tim Scanlon
asked decades ago
and it is the question I will try
to answer over the next three hours.
Are you Chidi Anna...
Kendrick?
Anagonye. And yes.
Great. Hi. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
Can we talk?
Sure.
OK. Uh, where do I start?
I'm not, like, the best person in the world.
I'm a trash bag from Arizona
which is saying something.
Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs
and HPV.
But about a year ago,
something crazy happened
and I...
- T'es prêt, Chidi?
- Allez-y sans moi.
- Je serai là.
- D'accord.
A tout à l'heure.
Sorry, I've been flying for like 40 hours.
This is Australia, right?
Yes, I grew up in Senegal,
so my native language is French
but I went to American schools,
so I also speak English.
- Oh...
- And German, and Greek
and Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Cool. I once got 12 out of 12
on a BuzzFeed quiz called
"Do You Know All the Slang Words
the Kardashians Invented?"
- Congratulations?
- Thank you.
I'm gonna be honest, I did cheat.
But you were saying something crazy
happened to you?
Yes! Uh, I almost died.
And it made me want to become
a better person
Which I did, for a while
but then I fell back into my old
trash bag ways...
but yesterday I saw your lecture,
and something just clicked.
Wait, you flew all the way here
from Arizona, just to see me?
You know what, don't flatter yourself, pal!
Sorry, that's a knee jerk reaction.
Yes, that's exactly what I did.
And I know that seems "zonkatronic"
that's Khloe's word for "crazy"
but I need someone to help guide me,
morally speaking
and... I think I need it to be you.
What do you say?
Will you help me become a good person?
Yes.
I'll start you off with some introductory
philosophy books
- and then we'll meet here once a week?
- Great!
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hm.
Why are you helping me?
I'm a teacher. That's my job.
Yeah, but I'm not your student.
I'm just some hot rando
who walked in off the street.
There's gotta be another reason.
Yes, there is. Um...
I also had a near-death experience.
- Whoa.
- But, I mean, I don't know for sure
that I would've died,
but it was pretty nuts...
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment
in our friendship...
On your right, mate!
Geez, watch it, man!
Oh, my God!
Are you OK?
That... that is right
where I was standing!
I was frozen here,
unable to make a simple decision
and I almost got crushed
by an air conditioner.
This is a sign.
I shouldn't be
using air conditioners!
The Freon is awful
for the environment!
That's the lesson you take
from this?
Chidi...
Your brain is broken.
You need to fix your brain.
So, in a nutshell, I have a 3,600 page thesis
that I am nowhere near finishing.
I am absolutely paralysed by decision-making,
and it is destroying my life.
Yeah, I sorta got that when you couldn't
choose a chair to sit on.
Well, I-I didn't want to offend you
in case you had a favourite.
Look, I know I just kind of...
Nope... walked in here
and you don't know me at all,
but is there any way to tell
if my indecision is due to, uh...
a... brain... thing?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Well, what we do is,
we make a lengthy incision
from your eyebrows to the nape of your neck
and we peel your face back, right?
Then slice your skull open.
And then I just randomly stab at your brain
with an electrified needle.
The fun part is,
you're awake the whole time.
Uh...
I'm kidding! No.
I'll just give you an MRI
and look at the part of your brain
that controls decision-making.
Oh, I... I want that!
I need to learn about my brain. Please.
Well, so, you just march into my office
unannounced
tell me your brain is broken,
then demand I drop everything
and just put you in the university's
$3 million MRI machine?
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
I freakin' love it!
You're so weird! Let's go!
- Right now?
- Oh, yeah! Come on.
O-OK.
This is your hippocampus.
It regulates memory. Yours looks great!
Very strong, gorgeous hippocampus here.
This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex,
the centre of decision-making.
This is where the magic happens!
Do you see how it's all lit up?
That's a flurry of activity that occurred
when I asked you to choose between
red and blue, and you almost passed out.
Is it too late to pick blue instead?
It is. Yeah.
Point is, at first glance,
your brain is very healthy.
Huh, there are... actual answers here.
Data you can observe, and learn from.
Yeah, man!
Science is all about getting answers.
You philosophers can spend your entire life
mulling over a single question.
That's why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
No offence.
- Nope. None taken. We suck!
- Yeah.
Chidi!
One blueberry muffin, please.
So, why do it then?
Why choose to be good, every day?
I argue that we choose to be good
because of our bonds with other people.
Simply put...
we are not in this alone.
Thank you.
Wow, Chidi!
You chose that muffin in less than a minute.
That beats your old record by...
59 minutes.
Henry, I feel amazing.
I am 100 pages into my new thesis
and it is some of the best writing
that I have ever done.
I haven't been this happy since...
Oh, wow.
I've never been happy. Huh!
Bad!
I'm proud of you, mate.
Must be really nice to live that way.
Well, that's the beauty of it -
anyone can live this way.
Just decide to be more decisive.
Like, what's something that you've always
wanted to do?
I mean, I have been putting off
getting in shape.
Then make the decision to wake up
tomorrow morning, and get in shape.
It is that easy.
- OK! Maybe I will!
- I mean, what have you got to lose?
Nothing!
Henry! What happened to you?
Well, I was using the leg press at the gym
and you know how your legs
bend a certain way?
My legs bend the other way now.
Oh, no.
All the tendons in my legs
snapped like violin strings.
And then my foot flew forwards
and I kicked myself in the face
which gave me a concussion.
This is all my fault.
I did this to you. I...
Muffins! I brought blueberry muffins!
Oh, no, you shouldn't eat blueberries
anymore.
Read an article, the migrant workers
who pick them are horribly mistreated.
Gaaaaaah!
Morning, Chidi! Blueberry muffin for ya?
Uh... I... I don't know. Maybe?
- I can't decide.
- You alright there, mate?
OK, I've made my decision.
I want to...
start crying!
Excuse me?
What is the maximum number of books
that I can check out? Is it 12,000?
Got a wild weekend planned?
Well, I need to find a new topic
for my thesis
and I had this thing happen
that made me more decisive
and a few months ago,
my friend broke both of his legs
and it's my fault, and blueberries,
and I need help!
Whoo!
Maybe that help will come from
Tay Zonday's autobiography
"Chocolate Book"! I mean,
who's to say?
Mate, I've worked in this library
a long time
and I've seen a lot of academic types
with that same helpless look on their faces.
They all made it through OK
once they learned the secret.
What's the secret? There's a secret?
Is the secret more books?
- How many more books do I need?
- It's not about books, mate.
It's about perspective.
Sometimes, when you're feeling helpless,
the secret is to help someone else.
Get out of your own head. Trust me.
The next time someone asks for help
say "yes."
A few hours later,
you walked in and asked for help.
Now, I don't know if this is going to solve
all of my problems
but it's worth a try, right?
Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy!
I didn't say he was sexy.
Oh, I know, but whenever anyone
tells me a story about their life
I always imagine all the people
as being super hot
otherwise I quickly lose interest.
Do you not do that?
You can do it for free.
I gotta say, I enjoyed playing the role
of "mysterious librarian".
And I really...
...nailed the Australian accent.
Uh-huh. Flawless.
Thank you.
But the point is, Eleanor and Chidi
are together and now we can relax.
Everything is finally on track.
Status report.
They're plugging away, but we still can't
hack into the Judge's system.
Damn it!
Those four humans have been on Earth
for over a year.
I need to know if they're getting better.
Can I just ask...
we torture like 30 billion humans.
Why do you care so much about these four?
Never mind.
Forget I asked.
Serves him right for questioning you, boss!
- I think you're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Todd.
No-no-no...!
Why did you do that?
I'm a demon. It's fun.
No one leaves this room until we've accessed
the Judge's system.
Would music help?
Should I play some music?
Good idea.
Choose something deeply terrible,
to inspire us.
♪ Wherever you go ♪
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Whatever you do ♪
- That's the stuff.
So, for Aristotle, virtue is practical.
"Goodness" isn't something that a person
just inherently has
it's something that she achieves
through her actions.
- Questions?
- Uh, yeah, a few.
I wrote down, "What?", "Huh?"
and then this doodle of a burrito,
because when I first read "Aristotle"
I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle."
Wait a minute, is it "Chippa-tottle?"
These are all great questions, but I have to
meet my thesis advisor across campus.
Oh. Uh, well, I'm headed that way too.
I'll walk with you.
Hey, so...
I've been trying to figure out
how to pay you back for helping me.
I told you, you don't owe me anything.
At home, when I want to get something nice
for one of my friends
it usually comes in the form of something...
edible.
You get what I'm saying? An edible thing?
- Please don't buy me drugs.
- OK. Copy that.
I had no choice. I was in his driveway
taking pictures when he walked out.
So I said, "Hey, Mister Crowe,
I'm from the gas company.
I loved you in Gladiator.
Chidi!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- I got a question...
- Is it "What's my thesis topic?"
- Because I still don't know!
- No, it's not that.
Oh, I'm sorry, you guys haven't met yet.
Um, Simone, this is Eleanor.
The famous Simone! Nice to meet you.
You too.
So, I've gotta do some MRI scans
as a control for an experiment
and since you loved it so much last time,
I was wondering if you could just
- pop back in there, help me out?
- Oh, absolutely.
Cool. OK, well,
just come by my lab at six
and then afterwards I can buy you dinner
as a thank you.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh. OK!
Well, uh... I'll see ya later.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
- What?
- Uh...
you and Simone had some real professor dork
vibes flowing.
You're both teachers...
who are hot for a teacher!
How have you not asked her out yet?
Are you scared?
No, it's not impressive to guess
that I'm scared, Eleanor.
I'm scared of everything.
And I can't just... do things like that.
- Just drop it, OK?
- Well...
OK, just promise me you'll drop it?
OK.
I promise.
So, you're into Chidi, right?
I mean, forgive my bluntness,
but I'm usually right about these things.
Well, yeah, but I've made it pretty clear
a bunch of times
and he's never responded,
so I just assumed he wasn't interested.
OK, I'm all set.
I'm just gonna ask you
some basic questions, Chidi, uh...
what is one plus one?
- Two.
- What colour is the sky?
- Blue.
- What colour are Simone's eyes?
Brown. Wh... I... uh, what?
If you could take Simone anywhere,
on a date
where would you take her?
Sorry, is this part of the experiment?
It is now. Yes.
Please answer the question.
And keep in mind
we can see your brain.
Next question,
you are into Simone.
That's not a question.
So you agree, it's a fact.
Next question's for Simone.
Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi
for waiting so long to ask you out?
Yes, I am.
Chidi, same question for you,
are you annoyed at yourself
for waiting so long to ask out Simone?
I mean, I'm annoyed with you
and I've only known you three weeks.
Yes, I am obviously
very annoyed with myself.
- Can I get out now?
- No, you can't, it'll ruin the science.
There's only one question left,
and you gotta ask it, bud.
Simone, would you like to have dinner
with me?
Wow. That is highly inappropriate.
Uh...
I'm just kidding. Yes, I would.
Thank you for asking.
Oh, cute!
This is a disaster!
Michael, relax.
How the two of them gonna bond?
There were plenty of reboots where
Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soulmates
and he still always helped her.
Simone and Chidi are good together!
I've been running simulations
on what their kids will be like.
One of them is hot enough
to be on The Bachelor
and smart enough to never go on
The Bachelor!
This is not just about Chidi.
I've left too much to chance.
Until our group is back together again,
this whole thing is hanging by a thread.
I'm going back down.
You're pressing your luck.
If you keep disobeying Mummy,
something bad is going to happen!
- What?
- Oh, I don't have a mum
so I've been experimenting with thinking of
the Judge as my mum.
It's weird.
- Forget it.
- OK.
How are you even gonna get Jason and Tahani
to Australia?
I have no idea. But I have to try.
Well...
Good luck, Dad.
Nope! Also weird. Just go.
would've become good people
if they'd just gotten a push
in the right direction.
Oh, no!
It's only four people,
and it's clearly the best way to see
if bad people can become good
without knowing anything
about what's waiting for them
in the afterlife.
- OK, let's do it.
- Yes!
But there have to be strict rules.
Otherwise, the results will be tainted.
And I reserve the right to change
my mind at any point.
Would someone who's not an eternal being
please explain to me
what the f...
Hi. I'm Michael.
You must be the Doorman?
Ah!
This is wild.
Had no idea this was even here.
So, I have this ruling
from the Judge...
heading on down to Earth to reverse
the deaths of these four people.
It's kinda tricky, you know,
it starts up a new timeline
so there might be some ripple effects
but it's necessary, for the...
the experiment that we're doing there.
So how long does this trip take?
Hope I don't get a middle seat.
Wow.
I haven't heard a joke
in 8,000 years.
And I still haven't.
That's the door to Earth.
Go through there,
you'll be wherever you need to be.
You won't have any other powers, though.
You wanna get around, you're just gonna
have to take a bus or something.
A bus?
Oh, boy!
Oh, man, I'm gonna sit
in a front-facing seat!
Or no, no,
m-maybe a sideways-facing seat!
I'm... I'm gonna get
so motion-sick!
Oh, man!
What do I do, just grab
the key here...?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
This key is made of the very first atoms
that came into existence in the universe.
It is one of a kind,
and cannot be duplicated. See?
"Do not duplicate."
Only I touch this key.
And... and what's the significance
of the keychain?
Nothing. I just like frogs.
I'm a frog guy.
When you need to get back here,
make sure you're alone, press this button.
Any questions? No? Great.
Knock yourself out.
Uh-oh.
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment
in our friendship...
On your right, mate!
Geez! Watch it, man!
Come down to the ground
where you belong!
Buongiorno!
Buongiorno!
Oh, wow!
I was just on Earth!
It was incredible!
The-the traffic... the pigeons!
And I saw this place that was at once
a Pizza Hut
and a Taco Bell!
I mean, oh... the mind reels!
A Pizza Hut and
a Taco Bell! Ah!
Oh, Janet, it was everything
I ever imagined.
I got to ride a bike.
I put a coin in a thing
and got a gumball.
And then someone came up to me and said,
"Hot enough for ya?"
And you know what I said?
I said, "Tell me about it."
While I am glad
that you got to chew a gumball...
Oh, damn.
I didn't even think to chew it.
Missed opportunity. Shoot.
...did you also save their lives?
Yes, of course. Everyone is safe.
Including Jason.
Now, just sit back
and watch as they become better people.
Being good is for suckers!
What do you even get out of it? I quit.
Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
Morning, Chidi!
Blueberry muffin for ya?
Uh... I-I don't know.
Maybe. I can't decide.
- You alright there, mate?
- OK.
I've made my decision.
I want to...
start crying!
Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm from International Sophisticate Magazine.
Mind if we ask you 582 questions?
Sounds delightful!
Where are we, exactly?
My pied-à-terre,
just off the coast of Barcelona.
What's one thing
people don't know about you?
That I was such a tomboy in high school.
See?
Wow! Looking good! OK, next question.
Who would you say is the most famous person
in your phone?
It's not about "who you know."
Enlightenment comes from within.
The Dalai Lama texted me that.
Kay, will you make me the happiest man
in the world
and agree to be my wife?
No.
Do you think my name is the letter "K"?
Just say yes! If we're married,
legally you can't arrest me.
Plus, bonus, you get half the stuff I stole!
Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.
Dammit!
You realise what the problem is, right?
Yes, but there's no way to help.
Maybe there is.
In the afterlife, they all got better
because they helped each other.
And the key to that
was Chidi and Eleanor's connection.
If I get the two of them together,
everything else will follow.
- Michael, no...
- I'm gonna meet Eleanor someplace
and plant the idea in her mind
that she needs to find Chidi.
Oh, and then maybe I'll visit Chidi
and make sure that he helps her
when she shows up.
I'm just gonna nudge
the two of them together.
Just nudgey-nudge-nudge.
The Judge was pretty clear
in her instructions
and the Judge is, you know, the Judge
of, you know, The Universe.
She'll never find out.
She spends all her time in her chambers
bingeing TV shows.
She's watching all of "N.C.I.S." right now!
Hey, there.
Need to head on back to Earth.
Hm. Travel papers?
Yeah. You know, the, uh... Judge said
to use the same ones.
Cos I'm, um, you know,
visiting the same people.
Yeah, oh yeah... I almost forgot.
Brought you a nice hot cup of anti-matter.
I usually only drink decaf anti-matter.
- Ah.
- Eh, I'll take it.
It's only 4:30.
- My shift doesn't end till nine billion.
- Oof!
What do I owe ya?
The real question, Eleanor...
is "what do we owe to each other?"
What do we owe
to each other?
That is the question Tim Scanlon
asked decades ago
and it is the question I will try
to answer over the next three hours.
Are you Chidi Anna...
Kendrick?
Anagonye. And yes.
Great. Hi. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
Can we talk?
Sure.
OK. Uh, where do I start?
I'm not, like, the best person in the world.
I'm a trash bag from Arizona
which is saying something.
Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs
and HPV.
But about a year ago,
something crazy happened
and I...
- T'es prêt, Chidi?
- Allez-y sans moi.
- Je serai là.
- D'accord.
A tout à l'heure.
Sorry, I've been flying for like 40 hours.
This is Australia, right?
Yes, I grew up in Senegal,
so my native language is French
but I went to American schools,
so I also speak English.
- Oh...
- And German, and Greek
and Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Cool. I once got 12 out of 12
on a BuzzFeed quiz called
"Do You Know All the Slang Words
the Kardashians Invented?"
- Congratulations?
- Thank you.
I'm gonna be honest, I did cheat.
But you were saying something crazy
happened to you?
Yes! Uh, I almost died.
And it made me want to become
a better person
Which I did, for a while
but then I fell back into my old
trash bag ways...
but yesterday I saw your lecture,
and something just clicked.
Wait, you flew all the way here
from Arizona, just to see me?
You know what, don't flatter yourself, pal!
Sorry, that's a knee jerk reaction.
Yes, that's exactly what I did.
And I know that seems "zonkatronic"
that's Khloe's word for "crazy"
but I need someone to help guide me,
morally speaking
and... I think I need it to be you.
What do you say?
Will you help me become a good person?
Yes.
I'll start you off with some introductory
philosophy books
- and then we'll meet here once a week?
- Great!
- Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hm.
Why are you helping me?
I'm a teacher. That's my job.
Yeah, but I'm not your student.
I'm just some hot rando
who walked in off the street.
There's gotta be another reason.
Yes, there is. Um...
I also had a near-death experience.
- Whoa.
- But, I mean, I don't know for sure
that I would've died,
but it was pretty nuts...
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment
in our friendship...
On your right, mate!
Geez, watch it, man!
Oh, my God!
Are you OK?
That... that is right
where I was standing!
I was frozen here,
unable to make a simple decision
and I almost got crushed
by an air conditioner.
This is a sign.
I shouldn't be
using air conditioners!
The Freon is awful
for the environment!
That's the lesson you take
from this?
Chidi...
Your brain is broken.
You need to fix your brain.
So, in a nutshell, I have a 3,600 page thesis
that I am nowhere near finishing.
I am absolutely paralysed by decision-making,
and it is destroying my life.
Yeah, I sorta got that when you couldn't
choose a chair to sit on.
Well, I-I didn't want to offend you
in case you had a favourite.
Look, I know I just kind of...
Nope... walked in here
and you don't know me at all,
but is there any way to tell
if my indecision is due to, uh...
a... brain... thing?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Well, what we do is,
we make a lengthy incision
from your eyebrows to the nape of your neck
and we peel your face back, right?
Then slice your skull open.
And then I just randomly stab at your brain
with an electrified needle.
The fun part is,
you're awake the whole time.
Uh...
I'm kidding! No.
I'll just give you an MRI
and look at the part of your brain
that controls decision-making.
Oh, I... I want that!
I need to learn about my brain. Please.
Well, so, you just march into my office
unannounced
tell me your brain is broken,
then demand I drop everything
and just put you in the university's
$3 million MRI machine?
Oh, I'm sorry, I...
I freakin' love it!
You're so weird! Let's go!
- Right now?
- Oh, yeah! Come on.
O-OK.
This is your hippocampus.
It regulates memory. Yours looks great!
Very strong, gorgeous hippocampus here.
This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex,
the centre of decision-making.
This is where the magic happens!
Do you see how it's all lit up?
That's a flurry of activity that occurred
when I asked you to choose between
red and blue, and you almost passed out.
Is it too late to pick blue instead?
It is. Yeah.
Point is, at first glance,
your brain is very healthy.
Huh, there are... actual answers here.
Data you can observe, and learn from.
Yeah, man!
Science is all about getting answers.
You philosophers can spend your entire life
mulling over a single question.
That's why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.
No offence.
- Nope. None taken. We suck!
- Yeah.
Chidi!
One blueberry muffin, please.
So, why do it then?
Why choose to be good, every day?
I argue that we choose to be good
because of our bonds with other people.
Simply put...
we are not in this alone.
Thank you.
Wow, Chidi!
You chose that muffin in less than a minute.
That beats your old record by...
59 minutes.
Henry, I feel amazing.
I am 100 pages into my new thesis
and it is some of the best writing
that I have ever done.
I haven't been this happy since...
Oh, wow.
I've never been happy. Huh!
Bad!
I'm proud of you, mate.
Must be really nice to live that way.
Well, that's the beauty of it -
anyone can live this way.
Just decide to be more decisive.
Like, what's something that you've always
wanted to do?
I mean, I have been putting off
getting in shape.
Then make the decision to wake up
tomorrow morning, and get in shape.
It is that easy.
- OK! Maybe I will!
- I mean, what have you got to lose?
Nothing!
Henry! What happened to you?
Well, I was using the leg press at the gym
and you know how your legs
bend a certain way?
My legs bend the other way now.
Oh, no.
All the tendons in my legs
snapped like violin strings.
And then my foot flew forwards
and I kicked myself in the face
which gave me a concussion.
This is all my fault.
I did this to you. I...
Muffins! I brought blueberry muffins!
Oh, no, you shouldn't eat blueberries
anymore.
Read an article, the migrant workers
who pick them are horribly mistreated.
Gaaaaaah!
Morning, Chidi! Blueberry muffin for ya?
Uh... I... I don't know. Maybe?
- I can't decide.
- You alright there, mate?
OK, I've made my decision.
I want to...
start crying!
Excuse me?
What is the maximum number of books
that I can check out? Is it 12,000?
Got a wild weekend planned?
Well, I need to find a new topic
for my thesis
and I had this thing happen
that made me more decisive
and a few months ago,
my friend broke both of his legs
and it's my fault, and blueberries,
and I need help!
Whoo!
Maybe that help will come from
Tay Zonday's autobiography
"Chocolate Book"! I mean,
who's to say?
Mate, I've worked in this library
a long time
and I've seen a lot of academic types
with that same helpless look on their faces.
They all made it through OK
once they learned the secret.
What's the secret? There's a secret?
Is the secret more books?
- How many more books do I need?
- It's not about books, mate.
It's about perspective.
Sometimes, when you're feeling helpless,
the secret is to help someone else.
Get out of your own head. Trust me.
The next time someone asks for help
say "yes."
A few hours later,
you walked in and asked for help.
Now, I don't know if this is going to solve
all of my problems
but it's worth a try, right?
Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy!
I didn't say he was sexy.
Oh, I know, but whenever anyone
tells me a story about their life
I always imagine all the people
as being super hot
otherwise I quickly lose interest.
Do you not do that?
You can do it for free.
I gotta say, I enjoyed playing the role
of "mysterious librarian".
And I really...
...nailed the Australian accent.
Uh-huh. Flawless.
Thank you.
But the point is, Eleanor and Chidi
are together and now we can relax.
Everything is finally on track.
Status report.
They're plugging away, but we still can't
hack into the Judge's system.
Damn it!
Those four humans have been on Earth
for over a year.
I need to know if they're getting better.
Can I just ask...
we torture like 30 billion humans.
Why do you care so much about these four?
Never mind.
Forget I asked.
Serves him right for questioning you, boss!
- I think you're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Todd.
No-no-no...!
Why did you do that?
I'm a demon. It's fun.
No one leaves this room until we've accessed
the Judge's system.
Would music help?
Should I play some music?
Good idea.
Choose something deeply terrible,
to inspire us.
♪ Wherever you go ♪
- Oh, yeah.
♪ Whatever you do ♪
- That's the stuff.
So, for Aristotle, virtue is practical.
"Goodness" isn't something that a person
just inherently has
it's something that she achieves
through her actions.
- Questions?
- Uh, yeah, a few.
I wrote down, "What?", "Huh?"
and then this doodle of a burrito,
because when I first read "Aristotle"
I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle."
Wait a minute, is it "Chippa-tottle?"
These are all great questions, but I have to
meet my thesis advisor across campus.
Oh. Uh, well, I'm headed that way too.
I'll walk with you.
Hey, so...
I've been trying to figure out
how to pay you back for helping me.
I told you, you don't owe me anything.
At home, when I want to get something nice
for one of my friends
it usually comes in the form of something...
edible.
You get what I'm saying? An edible thing?
- Please don't buy me drugs.
- OK. Copy that.
I had no choice. I was in his driveway
taking pictures when he walked out.
So I said, "Hey, Mister Crowe,
I'm from the gas company.
I loved you in Gladiator.
Chidi!
- Hey!
- Hey.
- I got a question...
- Is it "What's my thesis topic?"
- Because I still don't know!
- No, it's not that.
Oh, I'm sorry, you guys haven't met yet.
Um, Simone, this is Eleanor.
The famous Simone! Nice to meet you.
You too.
So, I've gotta do some MRI scans
as a control for an experiment
and since you loved it so much last time,
I was wondering if you could just
- pop back in there, help me out?
- Oh, absolutely.
Cool. OK, well,
just come by my lab at six
and then afterwards I can buy you dinner
as a thank you.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh. OK!
Well, uh... I'll see ya later.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
- What?
- Uh...
you and Simone had some real professor dork
vibes flowing.
You're both teachers...
who are hot for a teacher!
How have you not asked her out yet?
Are you scared?
No, it's not impressive to guess
that I'm scared, Eleanor.
I'm scared of everything.
And I can't just... do things like that.
- Just drop it, OK?
- Well...
OK, just promise me you'll drop it?
OK.
I promise.
So, you're into Chidi, right?
I mean, forgive my bluntness,
but I'm usually right about these things.
Well, yeah, but I've made it pretty clear
a bunch of times
and he's never responded,
so I just assumed he wasn't interested.
OK, I'm all set.
I'm just gonna ask you
some basic questions, Chidi, uh...
what is one plus one?
- Two.
- What colour is the sky?
- Blue.
- What colour are Simone's eyes?
Brown. Wh... I... uh, what?
If you could take Simone anywhere,
on a date
where would you take her?
Sorry, is this part of the experiment?
It is now. Yes.
Please answer the question.
And keep in mind
we can see your brain.
Next question,
you are into Simone.
That's not a question.
So you agree, it's a fact.
Next question's for Simone.
Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi
for waiting so long to ask you out?
Yes, I am.
Chidi, same question for you,
are you annoyed at yourself
for waiting so long to ask out Simone?
I mean, I'm annoyed with you
and I've only known you three weeks.
Yes, I am obviously
very annoyed with myself.
- Can I get out now?
- No, you can't, it'll ruin the science.
There's only one question left,
and you gotta ask it, bud.
Simone, would you like to have dinner
with me?
Wow. That is highly inappropriate.
Uh...
I'm just kidding. Yes, I would.
Thank you for asking.
Oh, cute!
This is a disaster!
Michael, relax.
How the two of them gonna bond?
There were plenty of reboots where
Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soulmates
and he still always helped her.
Simone and Chidi are good together!
I've been running simulations
on what their kids will be like.
One of them is hot enough
to be on The Bachelor
and smart enough to never go on
The Bachelor!
This is not just about Chidi.
I've left too much to chance.
Until our group is back together again,
this whole thing is hanging by a thread.
I'm going back down.
You're pressing your luck.
If you keep disobeying Mummy,
something bad is going to happen!
- What?
- Oh, I don't have a mum
so I've been experimenting with thinking of
the Judge as my mum.
It's weird.
- Forget it.
- OK.
How are you even gonna get Jason and Tahani
to Australia?
I have no idea. But I have to try.
Well...
Good luck, Dad.
Nope! Also weird. Just go.