The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Somewhere Else - full transcript

So, Michael, you're saying

there's a new angle
I should consider in this case?

Love that. Major drama.

Spill the tea,
sweetheart.

The premise of our system

is that a person's score
during her time on Earth

is final and inarguable,

but because of my
accidental experiment,

these four humans got better

after they died.

That's not supposed
to be possible.



Over and over again, I watched
as they became

thoughtful
and generous and caring.

And think about where
they started.

Uh, Jason, growing up
in Jacksonville,

what did you do for fun
after school every day?

Me and my friends whipped
empty spray paint cans

at flamingos.

And now he's so much better.

I was already pretty good.

When I was six,

I hit one right on the button.

Okay, let the immortal
beings talk, darling.

So they got better in
your little pretend world.

That doesn't prove anything



about what they
were like on Earth.

No, see, I think it
does prove something.

If I'm right, the system
by which we judge humans...

The very method we use
to deem them good or bad...

Is so fundamentally flawed
and unreasonable

that hundreds of millions
of people

have been wrongly condemned

to an eternity of torture.

Damn! That was intense!

Look at my arm, y'all.

Look, I got goosebumps.

Huh, yeah.

Doesn't happen very often.

*THE GOOD PLACE*
Season 02 Episode 12
Title: "Somewhere Else"

♪♪

Wow, so you saw your
parents in the test?

Yes.

And I immediately fell
right back into my old pattern,

desperately trying
to impress them

and earn their admiration.

Then I heard this
little voice in my head

saying, "Tahani,
don't do this."

The little voice in your head
sounds like the old lady

from "Downton Abbey."

Oh, yeah, sorry.
Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Anyway, I took
a deep breath,

told them I ate a Cheeto,

and walked away.

Man.

You have made so much progress.

I'm proud of you, hot stuff.

Whatever progress
I have made,

it's because you and
I have become mates.

That's British for "friends."

No, I know.

Man.

Think about everything that's
happened to us.

We died,
Michael tortured us,

we teamed up with him,
we escaped,

we went through the Portal,
The Judge ruled against us,

then Michael showed up.

This has been one of
the craziest years of my life.

One of?

Yeah, I'm not sure
what I would do

if one more insane thing
happened.

Hi, Jason.
I love you.

Oh, word?

Word.

I've been avoiding
telling you.

My excuse was that I needed
time to evaluate

my complex feelings, but that
was just a rationalization.

This might be the last time
I ever get to talk to you,

so there it is...
I love you.

And I hereby stop
avoiding this topic

and rationalizing by saying
the situation is complicated.

Or that my brain is grinding

like a fork in
a garbage disposal.

All right. Whatever.

You're not really
a part of this, Chidi.

Hey, guess what.
I think I love you too, girl.

I'm not a girl.

I'm also not just a Janet
anymore.

I don't know what I am.

♪♪

Hey, man.
What's up?

♪♪

Hot diggity dog.

Oh, no!

Now the thing I said
right after we kissed

will always be
"hot diggity dog."

Whatever.

It was an honest reaction.
I stand by it.

Hi, guys.
Couple quick announcements.

Would anyone eat chips and guac
if I put it out?

It's good. It's homemade.
No takers?

A'ight. Second thing:

we figured out a plan
to save your souls.

For the time being,
The Judge is gonna put you

in your own medium places,

like Mindi St. Clair.

And while you're there,
I'll keep working

every angle I can think of

to get you guys into
the Good Place, for real.

This is great.
So we'd all be together?

Oh, no, that's the thing
about Medium Places...

It has to be tailored to what's
medium for the individuals.

So if you're all together,
it ain't medium.

How much time
will we be alone?

Hard to say.
Uh, could be a month.

Could be a million years.

So, between a month
and a million years.

- Yeah, give or take.
- Yeah? Somewhere in there.

Come on, you guys, I know
this isn't perfect,

but I need more time
to build my case,

and it's either this
or back to the Bad Place.

Yeah.

I'll say it.

Both those options suck.

Okay, I'm sorry if that's
blunt, Your Honor,

but it's true.

Also, Chidi just laid one
on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.

You two kissed?
Hot diggity dog!

That's what I said!

The point is, we've all
gotten better.

Why should we have to go
live alone in a boring void

because of a messed-up system?

How is that justice?
Okay.

Slow your roll there,
Erin Brockovich.

First of all,

y'all didn't get good enough
to pass the tests

I just gave you.

Second, I still believe
that the only reason

that you improved in Michael's
fake neighborhood

is because you thought
there was a reward

at the end of the rainbow.

You're supposed to good things

because you're good!

Not because you're seeking
moral desert.

And I still believe

that they would've
become good people

if they'd just gotten a...

♪♪

A push...

in the right direction.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope.
Absolutely not.

- It's a little crazy...
- A little bit crazy? It's Looney Tunes.

- What are they talking about?
- No idea.

It sets a very
dangerous precedent.

It's only four people.

And it's clearly the best way
to see if bad people

can become good without knowing
anything about

what's waiting for them
in the afterlife.

Shotgun.
Whatever they're talking about,

if there's a shotgun,
I call shotgun.

It's never gonna work, man.

If it doesn't, then they go
right back to the Bad Place.

No one gets hurt.

Except them, forever.

And me, I assume, also.
Forever.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

- okay, let's do it.
- Yes!

Ha!

I don't know why.
I'm just feeling kinda funky.

But there have to be
strict rules.

Otherwise, the results
will be tainted,

and I reserve the right
to change my mind

- at any point.
- About what?!

Would someone who's not
an eternal being

please explain to me
what the f...

Why are you like this?

Excuse me?
Why am I like this?

You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.

Look what you made me do,
jagoff.

Look out!

Uh-oh.

♪♪

♪♪

Holy crap.

I just almost died.

She needs to know
what was said.

God, Eleanor,
take longer next time.

Oh, you look like crap.

I was outside the supermarket
arguing with

that little environmental
twerp...

- Ugh, I hate that guy.
- Really?

That skinny little hippy body
kinda turns me on.

- Gross.
- Guys, listen.

I dropped the margarita mix,
and when I went to pick it up,

a bunch of shopping carts
came right at me,

and I was just frozen.

And then someone pushed me
out of the way,

and the carts got, like,
demolished

by a truck.

I mean, I could've died.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

That's crazy.

So is the margarita mix,
like, gone?

I had a near death experience
recently.

You know that old warehouse
that burned down last month

and, like, four people died?

That building is, like,
right by my old dentist.

If I still went
to that dentist

and I had an appointment
that day,

I would've been like...

right near there.

I was in Syracuse, New York,

like two weeks before 9/11.

- No way!
- Yeah, 14 days.

I can't believe we
all almost died.

My name is Eleanor
Shellstrop,

and I think I might
be a monster.

I'm rude, I'm selfish,

I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte
until he quit Instagram,

but something happened
to me today,

and from now on,
I'm gonna try

to become a better, kinder,

more generous person.

Hey, can I use
your credit card?

You know what?
Yes, you can.

Cool. It's for porn.
I already used it.

♪♪

Hey. You look happy.

You get laid last night?
I didn't. Tried. Hard.

This chick that I met after
I followed her into a yoga class,

but she wasn't into it.

Maced me.
Right in the eyes.

Stung like hell.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. Hey.

Listen, dude.
What you're doing here...

Selling fake medicine
to people, tricking them...

is wrong.

Yeah. And?

I can't be a part of it
anymore.

I'm trying to become
a better person,

- and as long as I work here...
- Yeah,

sure, fine, whatever,
you quit, who cares?

Give me your company ID.

Thank you.
And your parking pass.

- And your panties, please.
- Dude.

What? Come on.
I had to try.

By the way, technically,
that is not sexual harassment,

because she doesn't
work here anymore.

You're wearing a wire?

Yeah. Company's being
investigated for fraud,

so I'm helping the feds
bring everyone down.

Good timing on your part.

Dude, get help.

I'm becoming
a better person.

You should, too.

Hey, Eleanor, do you want to
come to Lauren's baby shower?

Do you want to chew
on my ass...

sortment of brownies that
I will be bringing

to Lauren's baby shower?

S-sure.

Hi there, do you have
a second to talk about

the environment?

Hey. Remember me?

Ah! Don't hurt me.
My bones are brittle.

- I have a calcium deficiency.
- No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man.

I came to apologize.

There. I did it.
I apologized.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did, assface.

Nope.
You're right. I didn't.

I apologize for
being mean to you

like a thousand times.

There's really no excuse.

Thanks.

Apology accepted.

Uh, what's happening?
I'm scared.

Hey, I'm on kinda like
a self-improvement kick.

Do you think you
could help me out,

teach me to get all horny
for the environment

or whatever?

Hey, everyone.
This is Eleanor.

She's joining the team.

Hi, welcome.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

All right, Eleanor.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ There is a sign ♪

♪ Among the remnants ♪

♪ Of all our words ♪

♪ Best left unsaid ♪

♪ And when the truth ♪

♪ Flies in our direction ♪

♪ Do we work it through ♪

♪ Or lose our heads ♪

♪♪

♪ Maybe, maybe,
maybe we're strong ♪

♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe
we're wrong ♪

♪♪

Mm, babes, get in
on these nachos.

They're delish.
Mmm, mmhmm.

I'm actually trying
to eat vegetarian.

Ew! Why?

Is it because you feel bad
for all the widdle animals

with their cute widdle faces

because people stuff them
into tiny cages

just so that we can eat them?

Yeah. That's exactly why.

Okay, guys, um,

can I say something
for a second?

I love you.
Aww.

I do. I mean, I went through
a really rough time

last year with the whole
Dress Bitch thing

and people selling T-shirts
with my face on them,

but you two stuck by me.

I love you, you dumb sluts!
Awww.

Come on.

Okay, there's probably
something we should tell you.

Or not.
We could also not.

We have to.
It's the right thing to do.

I tore your dress, and then
I lied about it.

And then Brittany and I
were the ones

who made and sold the T-shirts.

But, we did not
keep the money.

Yes, we did.
We kept all the money.

And I'm really sorry.

Okay.

That took a lot of courage

- for you to admit that...
- Mmhmm.

And I admire
your honesty.

You stupid skank!
How could you do that to me?!

I hate you!
You're both disgusting hogs,

and I want you to move out
of my apartment forever

literally starting right now!

I'm still really
glad we told the truth.

Cool.

Okay.

Steamed vegetable medley

and ice water.

Can I just get the check?

And can you throw these
plants in the trash?

♪ Such a long time now ♪

♪ We're doing battle
with our own ♪

♪ Familiar inhibitions ♪

♪ Far away from ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Our trusty compass
fails to find ♪

♪ This strange and new
position ♪

♪ Maybe, maybe,
maybe we're strong ♪

♪ But maybe, maybe,
maybe we're strong ♪

♪ But maybe, maybe ♪

- ♪ Maybe we're wrong ♪
- Damn it.

♪♪

They're suing you?!

This chick is claiming
she has whiplash.

She wasn't in the car
when I hit it!

This is on you.

You should've pretended
like you didn't see it

and walked away, like
everyone else does.

I know!
I've hit your car

like six times
and never said anything.

But I'm trying to be good!

How is that working out
for you?

It's open, dummy.

Eleanor, where have you been?

Oh, hey, man.

Sorry, it's been
a crazy month.

You know,
moving was a hassle,

and I'm in the middle
of a lawsuit,

and I ate vegetables
for the first time,

and I got diarrhea for, like,
a week.

Uh, I know we
don't pay a lot,

but this is a job,

and we need to know
we can count on you.

We're meeting tonight to
discuss long-term strategy

- for the organization. I really think...
- Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Oh, sorry to interrupt
whatever

boring crap this is,

but dude, you need
to get dressed.

I got tickets
to Taylor Splift.

The Taylor Swift
reggae cover band.

They're terrible.
It's gonna be amazing.

Mmm.

Yeah, that sounds
like more fun.

- I'ma do that.
- Eleanor!

What?!
Aah! What, dude?

I've been nothing but good
for, like, six months,

and all I have to show for it
is this crummy apartment,

a lawsuit, a loose caboose,
and an overdrawn bank account.

Being good is for suckers.

What do you even
get out of it?

A feeling of fulfillment
in your soul.

Gross.

That's the grossest sentence

I've ever heard, okay?

I quit. Eat my farts,
Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oof! I still think
he's kinda hot.

I guess. In like a sick
Victorian boy kind of way.

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where we, like, feed him soup.

So tell me about
the new business.

We sell classes at
a for-profit university,

and the classes train people
how to sell supplements.

So it's a Ponzi scheme
within a Ponzi scheme?

- That sounds kinda dicey.
- Oh, it's super dicey.

But I'm in witness protection,
so technically,

I can't be convicted
of any crime.

Well, that's definitely not
true, but I also don't care.

Which one's my desk?

You realize
what the problem is, right?

Yes, but there's
no way to help.

I'm only giving that guy

three stars because he didn't
let me stick my head out the

- moon roof.
- Yeah!

Dude, my boyfriend
just texted.

His wife's out of town,
so I'm gonna head over there.

Mwah!
What? That's lame.

Boo!
Happy birthday!

Hello, bartender.
One alcohol drink, please.

It's my birthday, if you want
to give it to me for free.

I always say that,
but it actually is my birthday.

- Hmm.
- Last year on my birthday,

I almost died,

and then I did
a bunch of stuff

that was good, but weird.

And then I stopped.

And now I'm here.

Sounds like you had
a pretty crazy year.

- Hm.
- Wanna talk about it?

And in the end,
Anthony Anderson

and Jerry O'Connell start
a successful shampoo company

and you see the kangaroo

jumping around Australia.

That is the plot
of the movie "Kangaroo Jack."

- Why did I tell you that?
- It's unclear.

You know the thing is,
the problem really,

with being a do-gooder?

- What's that?
- No one cares.

I mean, some people
care a little bit.

The twerpy little twerps from
the environmental place,

they care, but I was
a good person

for six months.

That's like five years,
and it felt okay,

but not as good as I
thought it would.

And what did I get for it?

Ah, see, now you're talking
about moral desert.

Exactly.

Wait, I am? What?

Moral desert
is the concept

that if you act with virtue,

you deserve a reward.

Right. If I'm not gonna
get rewarded somehow,

like a tiara or one of those
diagonal award belts...

- Sash.
- Sure.

Then why should
I do good things?

You know, I had a friend
that said

whenever she was
doing something bad,

she'd hear this...
This little voice in her head,

distant little voice,
saying, "Oh, come on now.

You know this is wrong."

And then when she
started doing good things,

that voice went away.

It was a relief.

Your friend sounds like she's

one pick short of a...
pickle party.

She's a little rough
around the edges,

but she was also
a really good person,

when she tried.

See, I think that little voice

was her conscience,

trying to guide her in
the right direction.

I gotta go home.
What do I owe ya?

The real question, Eleanor,

is what do we owe
to each other?

What?
Did I sell you a drink?

Am I a bartender?

Drinks are on me.

Good luck.

Ow.

♪♪

Anybody notice
I was gone?

Nope.

♪♪

What do we owe
to each other?

That is the question
Tim Scanlon asked

decades ago,

and it is a question
I will try to answer

over the next three hours.

Ugh. No thanks.

We all have a voice
in our head.

That voice doesn't tell us
what to do or not do,

but it does warn us when we do
things that don't feel good

or right.

The difference between...
the term "reasonable,"

what does it mean
to be a reasonable person?

I may have a different
definition of reasonable...

So why do it then?

Why choose to be good
every day

if there is no guaranteed
reward we can count on,

now or in the afterlife?

I argue that we
choose to be good

because of our bonds
with other people

and our innate desire
to treat them with dignity.

Simply put, we are
not in this alone.

Hey, dong bait,
didn't you get my message?

Let's go. Time is booze.

Yeah, no thanks.

I'm...

going somewhere else.

♪♪

G'day. Where you headed?

St. John's University,
please.

No worries.

♪♪

- Hi.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Office hours are on Tuesday.

Oh, I... I'm not a student.

Are you Chidi Ana... kendrick?

Anagonye, and yes.

From the long, nerdy video

about the little voice
that tells you to be good?

From the Cassat Foundation
lecture series

on the practical applications
of ethical theory.

- Yes.
- Great.

Hi. My name is
Eleanor Shellstrop.

Can we talk?

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Okay.

Here we go.

♪♪