The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Burrito - full transcript

That... was...

Awesome!

- I'm going again!
- No.

I think I barfed in another
dimension before we landed.

Is my barf just gonna
float out there forever?

Is someone gonna fly through my
barf when they use the portal?

Ugh, stop saying barf.

And where's Michael?

He's not coming.

He sacrificed himself to save me.

The last thing I saw
was Shawn grabbing him.



Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?

A bad grab.

Like, a nice bad grab,
or a mean bad grab?

No Michael and no Janet.

Didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.

Not even a mere toodleloo.

We're on our own.

We have to handle this ourselves.

Michael said the portal
would lead us to the Judge,

so where's the Judge?

All I see is a burrito.

Do you think it's a test?

Like, maybe one of us
is supposed to eat it,

or we eat it together, or... or maybe,



maybe it's a test to see how long

we can go without eating it.

I'm not scared of any burrito.

I'll eat it.

Unless...

The burrito is the Judge.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

Judges aren't food,
judges are serious people

who wear long, silk nightgowns
and big, white powdered wigs.

Eh.

He could be right.

- What?
- Really?

I don't know, I'm just saying

we've certainly seen weirder things

than an all-knowing burrito.

We can't take any chances.

Hello, Your Excellency.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We doth seek thine judgment.

We've traveled a long distance
to see you, o great one.

What are you guys looking at?

Hi.

I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.

What's up, guys?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Yeah, I did not think
I had a case today.

The paperwork should've shown up by now.

Unless you guys just, like, came here.

Wait, did you guys just come here?

Oh, my God.

You guys are bad.

Which one is the worst one of you?

Is it you, glasses?

Oh, I bet it's you.

Okay, yeah, well,
we did just sort of "show up,"

but we had to.
We were escaping the Bad Place,

which now that I think about it,

there might be some demons following us.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers,

the portal is sealed
until I issue my ruling.

So, you guys can relax. Get comfortable.

A classic Saint Crispin's
Day garden party frock.

Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.?

- Not important.
- Let's have a look at your files.

Wait, you don't already
know everything about us?

You're not omniscient?

Well...

Not in the way you mean.

I try to learn as little
as I can about the events

of humankind so I can remain
impartial, 'cause I'm a judge.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

That being said, sometimes I get bored

and I cheat a little bit.

I've been binging
Ken Burns's "Vietnam" recently.

It's okay.

I mean, I'm immortal,
but that thing is long.

You know what I'm saying.

Anyway, your petition is denied.
I can't hear your case.

Please exit to the rear.

What?

I just absorbed the
entirety of your existences,

and I just wanna say

you guys are so cute.

And the thing is,
you didn't file any paperwork,

and you have no advocate,

and the rules say I gotta...

Send you back.

Your honor,

please hear our case.

You frankly wouldn't believe
what we've been through

just to be here today.

I mean, I would,

because I just learned
everything about you,

but keep talking.

I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

We have made so much
progress and all we ask

is an audience with you to prove it.

Is that not your very purpose...

to weigh in on matters such as ours?

To paraphrase a song
written by my godfather...

hey, judge.

Don't make it bad.

Take a sad group and make us better.

Say aluminum.

Al-you-minnium.

I love that!

And I love your passion.

I mean, it takes a lot of guts

to just show up here unannounced.

Plus, I haven't had a case in, like,

30 years and I'm super bored.

So, it's either this
or start "Bloodline,"

and I don't know, I just don't feel like

I can see Kyle Chandler as
anyone else but Coach Taylor.

So, the case?

Right.

Let's do it.

You had one job...

torture four bad people forever.

Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.

You really junked your jeans
on this one, you butterface.

I did what I had to do.

Oh, you had to junk your jeans?

How could you betray
your own kind like this?

Who taught you how
to turn a human inside out

by reaching down their throat

and grabbing their butt from the inside?

You did.

You got that right, sister.

And this is how you repay me.

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture.

You never cared about me.

In the words of one
of my actual friends...

Ya basic.

It's a human insult.

It's devastating.

You're devastated right now.

The point is,

the four of them are
in front of the Judge,

and the Good Janet has escaped too.

You'll never find her.

Oh, you mean this Good Janet?

I found her in, like, two seconds.

She was wandering the halls
being polite to people,

like a chump.

So, I marble-ized her.

Keep her if you want.

Maybe shove it up
your wiener for safekeeping?

I don't know, it's up to you.

I'm going to give each of you a test

to see how much progress you've made.

And if I deem you fit
to be in the Good Place,

then... zrrrup. Up you go.

Well, actually, sort of that way.

- Mrrup.
- Great.

Can we be tested together as a group?

Yeah, we all need to be
able to cheat off Chidi.

Oh, that's why your name is Chidi.

I get it now.

I'm sorry, cuties, the tests
have to be individual.

Well, can we be graded as a group then?

The only reason we've come this far

is because we've helped each other.

And I don't think anything's
gonna feel like the Good Place

if we're not together.

So, if you all pass, you're in.

And if even one of you fails,
you're all effed, right?

Terrible idea.

I mean, truly awful.

You are very lucky
that I cannot send you

to the Bad Idea place,
because that one is a stanker.

But whatever blows your
dress up, am I right?

- Jason.
- Present!

Good.

In front of you is a video game system

loaded with Madden football.

Are you kidding me?
I'm the best at Madden.

I call Jaguars.

As I was about to tell you,

you can only play against the Jaguars.

- No.
- Using their archrivals,

- the Tennessee Titans.
- No!

If you play the game and you lose...

Oh. I'm gonna win.

Say no more, scary judge lady.

Tell my friends their
souls are in good hands.

No, I fumbled the kickoff!

Titans suck.

Tahani... it's such a pretty name.

My name is super boring...

Jen.

It's just short for hydrogen,

which was the only thing
that was in existence

at the time that I was born.

Anywho.

All you have to do is go through there,

walk down the hallway,

and through the red door at the end.

That's it? That's my test?

Yep.

Oh, also everyone in
every room that you pass

is going to be discussing what
they truly think about you.

Okay, have fun.

_

I see.

It's a test of my ability to

not care what people think of me.

Oh, no.

So, just to be clear,

you actually rebooted
them over 800 times,

and all of these
reports of their torture

are completely fake?

Yes, but frankly, this is on you.

A lot of those details
I just took directly from

Stephen King novels

and episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."

Just tell me why, why would you do this?

It's not like I planned it.

I was just trying to prove that humans

could be made to torture each other.

Instead, they helped
each other and got better.

They were bad people.

This is not supposed to be possible,

so the only explanation is that somehow,

there was a mistake made
and these people

belong in the Good Place.

No they don't, idiot.

Shawn, this is not fair.

Pft, fair is the stupidest word

humans ever invented, except for...

Staycation, ew.

Look, those four humans are good people

and they deserve
a staycation in the Good Place,

and I bet the Judge
will feel the same way.

I doubt she even hears their case.

But if she does,
one of them will screw it up.

- They always do.
- I'm sick of smelling this guy's

lumpy white ass.

Can we get rid of him already?

Yep. It's time.

Follow me.

Okay.

Eleanor and Chidi.

Looks like you guys are up.

At the same time?

Yep.

Trippy, right?

There is no test.

You guys are in!

We're in? What does that mean?

You guys have made great strides

and you made it to the Good Place.

Congrats.

Take these medallions and
go right through that portal,

and you're there in a jiff.

- We made it.
- We made it.

- We made it.
- Holy crap!

All those ethics lessons paid off.

Whoever said philosophy was stupid?

You did, many times.

- As recently as this morning.
- Whoo!

But-but you also worked really hard

and you deserve this.

You really do.

Here's the thing, though.
It's just the two of you.

Tahani and Jason didn't make it.

I'm giving them tests
right now to determine

where they belong within the Bad Place,

so you might wanna reconsider
that judges-together thing

'cause if you stick to that,
you're all going down.

I am so hungry.

Why am I so hungry?

Oh, my...

I'm such an idiot.

I forgot to eat my burrito.

And I was so hungry, too.

What a dork.

Okay, obviously,

this is the test, right?

I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani

the same offer,
and whichever couple takes it,

actually loses and
the other two get in for real.

Oh!

Diabolical.

Hey, Judge.

- We figured out what you're really...
- Nope.

Tahani and Jason have
not been given the same offer.

Here, take a look.

Tahani's test
is to walk down the hallway

and not get tempted
by her gossiping friends.

Jason is playing video games.

Oh.

Okay, cool.

Sorry, I feel weird saying
this to an almighty judge,

but you have hot sauce on your chin.

Thank you.

It's actually not hot sauce.

It's envy.

Or, the concept of envy.

It's really good on Mexican food,

it gives it a little kick.

Okay, so what do we do?

Oh no, that was your
moral quandary grimace,

which is different
from your gas pain grimace.

And different from your someone said

"from whence it came" instead
of "whence it came" grimace.

So, spit it out, man.

Well, if this isn't a test,

then it's something way worse.

- What?
- A choice that we have to make.

Yeah, you know, why can't one part

of the calculation
of our eternal fate be easy?

I don't know.

Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking

in the same room discussing me?

Guess they must've made up.

Focus.

There'll be Fergies
a-plenty in the Good Place.

I don't know where
we went wrong with Tahani.

I know, she is such a disappointment

compared to her sister.

Hello, Father.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, hello, Tahani.

We were just talking about

how you're a huge disappointment

compared to your sister.

Have a seat, we'd love to get your take.

How's it going in here?

I'm losing by three.

Meditating to calm myself down.

I'd be winning by, like, a million

if I could play as the Jags

instead of playing against the Jags.

I hate scoring against
my own favorite team.

But you already knew that.

Because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not
a revelation or something.

I explained that very clearly.

It's nice to see you, Tahani.

Apparently, wherever you've been,

they've been keeping you well-fed.

You know, I've actually risked

quite a lot to be
in this room right now,

so if you could just not
be cruel for maybe 30 seconds,

that would be lovely.

Apologies,

it's been a while since we've seen you.

We have so much to tell
you about your sister.

We've just heard
the most wonderful news.

Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.

Really?

Well, she dedicated it to her fans

and you're one of her fans.

The whole point of this afterlife test

is that everyone in these rooms

is supposed to be talking about me.

And yet, even in this scenario,

you are still talking about Kamilah.

Which is exactly the point.

I was never going to be enough for you.

Never going to earn your respect.

You know, I've done things

that you would never have approved of.

I died,

dressed as someone
in the service industry,

I shagged a Floridian,

I even ate a Cheeto.

That's right.

Chewing it was deafening.

And it's the happiest I have ever been.

Don't get upset, dear.

You barely fit in that dress,

and I'm afraid you're going to

hulk out, as it were.

Okay.

I'm sorry we didn't
have a better relationship.

And I wish you both the best.

All right, idiot, any last words?

Go ahead and retire me already.

Oh, you're not getting retired, Michael.

- I'm not?
- No, retirement is a spectacle.

Everyone would see the flaming
ladles go down your throat.

Everyone would hear
your eternal shrieks of agony,

blah, blah, blah,
then they'd ask me what you did.

I don't need that
kind of scrutiny right now.

So,

I'm just gonna throw
you in this unmarked room

for the rest of eternity.

And since it seems
you love humans so much,

I'll torture you like one.

All you'll have for entertainment

is that giant stack
of "New Yorker" magazines.

Oh, come on.

You and I both know
I'll never read those.

Of course you won't.

But they'll just keep coming.

Goodbye, Michael.

We will leave you with one
of Bad Janet's classic farts.

The smell will linger
for 10 million years.

All right, here comes the boom!

Oh wait, actually,

before I absolutely let it rip,

I just have one more thing I have to do.

What?

It's me, Good Janet.

Janet.

I thought you were a marble.

That was a trick.

I realized if we wanted our friends

to have any chance of survival,

I had to learn how to do a lot
of bad things really quickly.

So, I did.

Now I'm ready to go back
to being nice again.

What happened?

Okay, now I'll be nice again.

Could you please stop doing that?

It helps me think.

We've been through every argument.

Contractualist, Kantian,

what would Superman do,

what would Rihanna do...

are we missing anything?

Hit me right now with your
most obscure, boring-est,

old white dude with a long
wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.

Okay, our friends
are going to the Bad Place,

and us choosing to go with them
won't lessen their suffering.

So, morally,

we're allowed to go.

But let's forget about
the ethics for a second.

After everything that's happened,

don't we deserve to be together

and happy for once?

Judge?

Have you made your decision?

Yeah.

We're not going to the Good Place.

I mean, that was
never actually an option,

but for the sake of your test,
we're not going.

What do you mean?

Well, I was 99% sure
that going was the wrong move,

but since our whole
relationship has been

me being sure of something

and Chidi explaining why I was wrong,

I owed it to him to quadruple check.

The capper came when I realized...

that ain't Chidi.

The Chidi I know wouldn't argue
that he should be rewarded

while his friends got punished,
and he would never

"forget about ethics for a second."

I don't know who this joker is,

but it's not Chidi Anagonye.

Wait, but what about the...

Well done, Eleanor.

You can take a seat
and wait for the others.

And can I have that medallion back

'cause it's actually
a coaster for my sodas?

Mm-hmm.

Where is the real Chidi,
though? Is he okay?

He's still taking his test.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

Um...

I'm just gonna choose...

Brown.

Gray's the obvious choice,

which is probably why
I shouldn't choose it.

Brown. Nope.

Gray.

Nope. Brown.

Brown hat.

All right, fun stuff.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Feeling good?

- Very.
- I think so, yes.

Great.

You're all going to the Bad Place.

Okay, um,

if I was the one who failed,
could you at least

tell me why I failed,
for my own edification?

It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.

But did I at least choose the right one?

There is no right one. They're hats.

Come on, man. Ugh.

Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms

that I thought would entice you,

but you weren't supposed
to open any doors,

and you couldn't resist
confronting your parents.

Sorry, everyone.

But now that I failed, can I go back in

and talk to Winston Churchill
and Freddie Mercury?

No.

Jason, your test
was about impulse control,

and you showed great improvements,

but you never asked
if you could opt not to play.

I mean, you basically told me,

an all-knowing judge,
to just shut up and go away.

Do you realize how insane that is?

Not as insane as picking off

the greatest quarterback
of all time, Black Bortles,

to set up a last second
game-winning field goal.

Now, Eleanor's test
was about her selfishness,

- and she actually...
- I failed.

I shoved an old lady down the
stairs to get to the raw bar,

'cause I'm a shrimp fiend.

So, we all failed,
let's not dwell on it.

All right, shall we?

Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.

I made a little video
of our time together.

Oh, look, there we are.

You know, I thought I'd have
a stomachache right now,

but weirdly...

♪ And everything I would... ♪

I do.

There's my guy.

- What?
- Doesn't matter.

I'm gonna miss you, bud.

Every time they pull my
eyeballs out through my mouth,

I'll think of you.

I'm gonna frame that one.

We gave it our best shot, guys.

I say we go through the portal,
get a good night's sleep,

come back fresh in the morning.

Try again.

Oh, Jason.

I feel like you always understand

about 20% of what's happening.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

I mean, look at us.

Good times.

All right, off to eternal damnation.

Do you hear something?

Hey! Oh!

Hey, guys.

How you been?