The Good Place (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent - full transcript

You all right there, chief?

You look like you lost your
lucky bookmark or something.

Oh, no. Did I?

It's fine. Got it right here.

It's just that now that we're
actually on the train,

heading to Bad Place Headquarters,

this plan is starting
to feel slightly...

completely insane.

This is the only way
to get to the Judge?

I'm afraid so. Yes.

See the Judge exists
in a sort of neutral zone,



separate from the Good Place
and the Bad Place.

The only things there are
the Judge's quarters,

the accounting department,
and the Janet warehouse.

There's also an IHOP.

Oh! I'm gonna order the
Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!

No. Sorry. In this realm,
IHOP stands for

"Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes."

You don't really eat these pancakes.

It's more like they eat you.

Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

So the only way to get to the Judge

is through a portal, which is
smack-dab in the middle

of the main office at
Bad Place Headquarters.

And the only way through the
portal is with one of these.



What is that? Is that jewelry?

Not that it matters. It's just
some jewelry I don't have.

- Can I have it?
- These pins are very hard to come by.

Only upper management types have them.

So you guys will lay low
while I get us four more.

Janet doesn't need one, because
for portals,

she counts as a carry-on.

I'm luggage.

I had Janet make you
each a Bad Place disguise.

And everyone who worked
in the neighborhood

has been sent back to their
previous department.

So the chances of you being
recognized are very small.

I don't know. This plan
seems complicated.

To be fair, you also once
said that about an orange.

They don't make sense.
Apples, you eat their clothes.

But oranges you don't? Forget this plan!

I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail

and... run through the portal.

I think we should go
with Michael's plan.

I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work.

Any time I had a problem,
and I threw a Molotov cocktail,

boom!

Right away, I had a different problem.

He makes a strong case.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, now, you're all going
to need aliases.

Cool. I'm gonna be Diana Tremaine.

That was the name on my fake ID
in high school.

Her address was 123 Whatever Street,

Canada City, Canada.

Arizona bouncers are the best.

Character work! Such fun.

I actually dabbled in a bit
of acting after university.

Although mostly I just stood
around while Baz Luhrmann

just threw glitter on me.

Ooh, I shall be Rhonda Mumps.

And I work down at the hot dog factory.

You need to be more specific.

There are nine hot dog
torture departments.

Making people into,
stuffing people with...

Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun.

Is that like shoving them into
the throats of vegans?

Yes. Throats.

I know what my secret identity is.

You cannot be Blake Bortles.

- Fine. Then I'll be Jake...
- Don't say Jortles.

Jortles! And I work in the
Molotov cocktail department.

Boy, you know, I thought you guys

would be more worried about this.

We've been knee-deep in demons

for, like, 800 reboots now.

Lying about who we are is second nature.

Chidi?

I hate this. I hate lying.
It's not permissible.

- I can't do this.
- Oh, boy.

Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi

has a real case of the
Mondays, am I right?

Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup.

Hey, buddy.

Look if you don't want
to lie because it conflicts

with your moral principles, I get it.

No one's gonna be mad at you.

- Really?
- No, dumbass!

I'm lying to you to
make you feel better.

See? Sometimes lying is awesome.

Plus I said dumbass. Oh, cursing.

How I've missed you.

Look, Eleanor, our goal
here is to appear

in front of a judge who
is going to judge us.

What if I lie down here
and I lose 12 points,

and then we get in front of the
Judge, and I'm 12 points short?

Or what if the Judge won't
even take our case at all

because we lied to get there?

Kant says that lying is always wrong,

and I follow that maxim.

So you can't even lie to demons?

They're trying to torture us,
man. We're behind enemy lines!

Well, principles aren't principles

when you pick and choose when
you're going to follow them.

I won't lie about who I am.

Okay. I understand,
and I'm cool with it.

You're lying right now, aren't you?

Yes. I want to strangle you.

What even is this thing?

I hate suits.

They remind me of court
and going to court

and being my own lawyer

against the advice of the judge in court

and getting immediately
convicted in court.

I think you look nice.

I think you look sexy.

Here, I got you this
to help your disguise.

Whoa, a briefcase?

Take my credit card to the hedge fund.

I'll meet you at the martini store.

Oh, you're gonna get caught.
Give me the briefcase back.

- Thanks.
- Aww.

Janet, you need to get in character too.

Now I know you look like a Bad Janet,

but can you act like one?

I have gained a lot of
new skills recently.

For example, I learned how
to be passive-aggressive.

Totally fine that you
guys haven't noticed.

- Oh!
- Let's practice.

I'm going to make a simple
request, and you're going to

give me that patented
Bad Janet attitude.

Can I have a glass of water?

Here you go!

Nope. Let's try again. Be mean.

Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?

No. I would never give
you that, you dumb person.

Janet, what's that behind your back?

- Nothing.
- Give it to me.

It's a glass of water.

And a back-up glass. Oh, boy.

It's okay. We'll keep working.

We're here.

All trains today are delayed
by three hours,

just like they are every day.

All passengers,

you all suck, and you're ugly.

Keep walking. Keep your heads down.

- And you are ugly.
- Just act unnatural.

Hey, guys. Sorry, you wait here,

while I go get us
some more of these pins.

But what is this place?

It's just a place.
You know. An area or location.

- It's pretty straightforward.
- The Museum of Human Misery?

Oh, yeah. Okay. It's a torture museum.

Famous examples of bad behavior,

and explanations of
the torture they earned.

Is there a gift shop?

Jason, this is Hell.
Of course there's a gift shop.

It's the least horrifying room.

It's the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness.

First person to floss
in an open plan office?

Well, she deserves to be
tortured. She's a monster.

This was the safest place
I could think of.

No one ever comes in here.

Guys, if you do leave this
room, you're gonna see things

that will haunt you for eternity.

Okay. Back soon. Bye!

Hey! Hey! Be careful, okay?

Be careful?

Yeah.

Oh. Eleanor, are you worried about me?

Yeah. I'm worried.

I mean 'cause you're our
ticket out of here, genius.

Don't go getting all goopy on me.

Worry about them. I'll be fine.

Okay.

"First man to send an
unsolicited picture

of his genitals."

"First waiter to approach a
diner with an empty plate

and sarcastically say,
'I guess you hated it.'"

"First white person to grow dreadlocks."

And "First person to call
Ultimate Frisbee 'Ultimate.'"

This dude rules!

All right, everyone.
We've got a lot of work to do.

Why don't you set up the
bar over by that wall?

Why don't you roll off your mom

and do it yourself, you fat dink?

Set up more of those tables.
We're expecting a big crowd.

You got it, you piece of butt.

Son of a bitch!

Still happy I can swear now,

but everything else about
this is very bad!

Hey, boss. I'm back.

Welcome home. Axe up.

Oh! New scent! "Transformers!"

Yes. It makes you smell the way

"Transformers" movies make you feel.

Still can't believe those
jagoffs got away from us.

- Really zips my tip.
- Yeah.

Anyway I drew up some extradition papers

to get them back from Mindy's.

I think I'll take a few of my
most trusted staff,

hop in the portal,
file those with the Judge,

quick stop for pancakes,
and then I'll head on back.

By the way, I'm gonna need
four pins for my crew.

This is very thorough. However...

Is that where we're putting
top priority files nowadays?

We won't need extradition papers.

Plans are already in motion
to get the humans

back in a different way.

Ah.

Oh, man. This is not good.

This is not good!

All right. Well, we can't
just stand here in a group.

It looks too conspicuous.

I'll go with Tahani.
Chidi, go with Jason.

That way, Jason's unearned confidence

lets him do all the talking,
and you don't have to lie.

Okay?

Come on, Diana, let's hit the bar.

I'm gonna get me a tall glass
of piping hot corn syrup

and a scooter, so I can roll
around the mall.

- That's really good.
- Thank you.

Hors d'oeuvre?

Oh, what do you got?

Soul food from Maine,
bagels from Arkansas,

Hawaiian pizza of course,

and egg salad from a hospital
vending machine in Azerbaijan.

Have a terrible evening.

No way! Trent, is that you?

Who else could it be?

Come on, dab it out.
Boom boom! 'Sup? I'm Chet.

Jake is my name,
Molotov cocktail is my game.

I think school is lame,
I got a tattoo of David Blaine.

- What?
- Ooh! Tight! Ball tap!

Oh, dude. Ball tap!

Oh! That was a firm ball tap, bro.

Anyway, your boy Trent and I

worked together in
partial decapitations.

When'd you leave decap? 800 years ago?

Something like that.

I just joined a new department.

Toxic Masculinity. We torture
internet trolls, frat dudes.

Actually started as a training
program to prep for when

the "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here.

- Joe Francis.
- The one.

Legend!

Bro-hams! Get over here
and meet my top dog Trent.

Dude's a straight beast
when it comes to torture.

- 'Sup, bro?
- It's actually pretty choice

that we're running into you right now.

My top dog Dirk here,
he got stuck with a new case.

He can't crack it.
Hit them with it, D-Money.

So I'm trying to torture
this guy, right? Brant?

Brant was a total lord.
He got kicked off

of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise

for throwing a lobster at a stripper.

And then he died doing a keg stand

in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.

Anyways, we run a couple
hundred torture scenarios.

None of them seem quite right, you know?

Think we can get you to crack this nut?

Well, I mean, how could I say no?

We all know how I would say no.

You know I'd be all like, "No!"

- But you know I can't.
- So weird, Trent, man.

You're always so weird.
Love that about you.

Don't get me wrong, I love
shoving hot dogs into people,

but once you've dogged every hole,

you just start to feel like
you're repeating yourself.

I hear that, sister.
I'm gonna go take a dump.

- You want me to grab you one?
- No, I'm good. Thanks.

- Not even a little nug?
- Nah, I'm a'ight.

A'ight.

Damn, you're good at this.

Well, hang out with
Johnny Depp long enough,

and you become pretty good at lying.

Like, "No, you're whole thing
isn't exhausting at all."

Hi there, you big stinky poop face guys.

Ugh. It's me, Good Janet.

I'm sorry I called you big
stinky poop face guys.

That's okay. Janet, can
you dig around a little bit

and find out what this event is
and how long it's gonna last?

I'd love to... punch your teeth.

Hey. Hi. Teeth.

What's all this?

Well, I was going to try
to get the humans back

by going through the proper channels,

but then I remembered,
I'm a naughty bitch.

So I sent a black ops team
to Mindy's to extract them.

Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed

in Mindy's neighborhood.
You can't do that, Shawn.

It's illegal!

Oh, no. Guys, Michael
says this is illegal.

I hadn't thought of that.

That was sarcasm. I had thought of that.

Listen. Your experiment
blew up in our faces.

The example I made out of
Vicky ensured that everybody

from the neighborhood
has kept their mouths shut.

But we're not out of the woods

until those four are back in custody.

So I rounded up some loyal friends

and took matters into my own hands.

Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon,

and we can all head down to the Museum.

- The Museum?
- Yes. Your neighborhood...

Our neighborhood is being
immortalized for its success.

It's all going to work out.

I took the form of a
45-year-old white man

for a reason. I can only fail up.

The team is in place. Let's do this.

Hey. Hi. So, um, those
bro demons over there

think I'm some kind of great torturer.

And they want my advice on
how to torture someone.

Jason is stalling by ranking
MMA ring girls with them,

but I have to do something.

Eleanor, you're wearing
glasses now. Help me!

You know the answer, dude.
Lie your ass off.

If Rhonda can do it, you can.

You know once I shoved a hot
dog right down the throat

of the legendary John Wayne.

She even name drops in Hell.

No! I told you lies have consequences!

I will have contributed to
someone's eternal torture

because I disobeyed a basic
Kantian moral principle!

I'm gonna be sick, and I don't
want to go back to the bathroom

because they put mirrors in the toilet,

and that makes you really
confront what you're doing!

Okay. Okay. Sit down.

Take a breath.

Rub your lucky bookmark. Hear me out.

What if lying is ethical
in this situation?

What if certain actions aren't
universally good or bad?

- Like Jonathan Dancy says.
- Jonathan Dancy?

Are you talking about
moral particularism?

We never even covered that.
You read on your own?

You think just because
I'm a straight hottie

I can't read philosophy for fun?

Look. Moral particularism
says there are no fixed rules

that work in every situation.

Like, let's say you promised your friend

you'd go to the movies.

But then your mom suddenly
gets rushed to the ER.

Your boy Kant would say
never break a promise.

Go see "Chronicles of Riddick."

Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely

and steals a bucket of Vicodin
from the nurse's closet.

- Real example?
- Yep!

But a moral particularist
like me... I'm one now;

I just decided... would say
there's no absolute rule.

You have to choose your actions

based on the particular situation

and right now, we are in a
pretty bonkers situation.

I don't think I can change
what I believe just like that!

And I didn't think I would
ever be at a cocktail party

in literal Hell,
lecturing my teacher/ex-lover

about moral particularism,

but life throws you curveballs, bro!

And need I remind you
it was doing things your way

that made you end up here.

Man, get back over there, dog.

Damn, you got that good stank.

Thanks. Right back at you, bud.

Smash you later. Let's roll.

Hey, butt ass. Butt ass.

How long is this stupid event
supposed to last, anyway?

They're unveiling
the exhibit in ten minutes,

then everyone will get drunk

and poke each other with hot sticks,

and then it'll be over.

Farts.

Uh-oh.

Bad Janet, walkie-talkie mode.

Now entering Mindy St. Claire's house.

This is so exciting!

I hope everyone gets hurt!

Living room's clear.
Entering the bedroom.

- Oh, yeah!
- Ow.

Oh, God! This feels so weird!

Here we go!

Oh, do some coke off my butt.

Wait! What... whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who are you guys?

Oh, friends! Hi, I'm Derek!

Where are the humans? And who is Derek?

Me is Derek. These are my wind chimes.

Uh-oh!

My wind chimes like you.

The only people here
are Mindy St. Claire

and an unknown male with
a genital deformity.

The four humans are not here.

Where is Michael?

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

- Hey there, Mike!
- Hey, Lance.

Looking good, buddy.
You lose some weight?

I wish.

Listen up, people.
We need to find Michael,

and we need to be discreet.

You, search from the spastic
dentistry department

down through disembowelment.

You, cover children's dance recitals

through holiday weekend IKEA. Go.

Hey, hey! Found him!
Just bird-dogging some tail.

What you got for me, Trent?

Well, peep this, dog.

You really want to torture this dirtbag?

You give him books. I'm serious.

This one time I was
assigned this... a chick

that I had to torture, and I
just couldn't figure it out.

And then I realized she hated books,

so I just gave her mad
books to read, round the clock.

Books like exploded?

No, no, no. They were just you know

regular moral philosophy books.

You know everyone hates
moral philosophers.

That is true.

And I know it's wild, but you know

sometimes you gotta think
outside the bun.

- Ah! Sick Taco Bell ref.
- Very nice.

But I don't know, man.

Sounds kind of lame.
This guy's the best, really?

Yeah, maybe I don't know what
I'm talking... ball tap!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Ohh! That's what you get

for questioning Trent,
the torture master!

He got you so bad!

Yeah, he did. He did. Nice job, bro.

All right, you've convinced me.
I'll give him books.

Hey, you two. Get your ugly
necks over here.

Guys, I found something very bad.

We have to get out of here right now.

All right, everybody.
Gather 'round. Gather 'round.

This is the moment we've
all been waiting for.

- What do we do?
- Just don't draw attention.

Whatever this is,
it'll be over in a second,

and we can sneak out the door.

Feast your eyes on the newest exhibit

here at the Museum of Human Misery!

The residents of neighborhood 12358W!

Oh no!

Is that what they think
my hair looks like?

This game-changing
experiment chose four humans

and had them torture each other.

It's already led to major breakthroughs

in the future of our industry.

Now, obviously, we couldn't
get the actual four idiots

as they're off being tortured,

so we cooked up the next best thing.

- Want to meet them?
- Yes!

I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a
vainglorious attention seeker

with enough jealousy to power
Elon Musk's underwater mansion,

which I've been to, by the way.

I have, actually. It's remarkable.

It's remarkable!

I'm Chidi Anagonye, or maybe I'm not.

I can't decide anything.

Or maybe I can. Aww. I can't decide.

My stomach hurts.

What? They kind of nailed it.

I've heard you say all that stuff.

I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others

to distract myself from the
emptiness inside me.

That's fair. That's a fair hit.

I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...

That's me.

Hey. Where have you been?

Oh, how do you smell loud and confusing?

No time to explain. We gotta go.

I got the travel pins!

Yo! That looks like my boy Trent!

And isn't that Rhonda Mumps?

- Come on!
- There he is.

And he's got the humans with him.

All right, let's just back up here.

- What do we do?
- This!

Jortles!

Go!

Hey, Eleanor. Thanks for the advice.

It was really helpful,
even though I had to say

a lot of words I don't like,

like douche, and chick, and peep this...

Okay, great! No problem,
I'm just kind of focused

- on running right now.
- Right, sorry!

Here. Put the pins on your lapels.

Okay, okay.

You didn't give me a pin,
man. I don't have one!

- Okay. Okay. Hang on. Hang on!
- Wait. Where's Janet?

No time to wait for her.
You three go now. Now!

Portals!

- Any day now, man.
- Hey!

Hey, guess what?

I just solved the trolley problem.

Remember? The thought experiment where

you're driving the trolley,

and you can either plow
into a group of people

or turn and hit one person? I solved it.

That's really great. But I
don't think now's the time.

See, the trolley problem
forces you to choose between

two versions of letting
other people die.

And the actual solution is very simple.

- Sacrifice yourself.
- What does that mean?

You look after the others.

- They need you.
- No.

Step away from the portal!

- Good-bye, Eleanor.
- No, no. Wait, wait!

Hey, boss. What's up?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com