The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 20 - Rose: Portrait of a Woman - full transcript

Miles' birthday is coming up, so Blanche convinces Rose to present him a naughty picture of herself as a gift. Meanwhile, Dorothy lands a highly-paid new job teaching adults, much to Sophia's delight.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

What are you doin', Rose?

I'm wrapping Miles'
birthday present.

I got him a golf club.

But don't tell him.
It's a surprise.

Rose, honey, you've got
to use some imagination.

Now, I know what men
like for their birthdays.

They like a surprise that
makes their libidos stand up

and say, "Hello, there."

Oh, I know!

You can give Miles one of
those boudoir photographs.

You know, where you pose
for pictures in sexy lingerie?

Oh, I don't know.
I'd feel cheap like...

Well, like you.

Oh, Rose, come
on, it's a great idea.

The pictures are
just an intimate way

to let a fellow know he's the
one and only man in your life.

I've done it 20, 30 times.

Oh, Dorothy, how would you
feel about a birthday present

of a picture of me
in sexy lingerie?

I'd rather have the cash.

Actually, it's not
for you. It's for Miles.

He'd rather have the cash.

Wait a minute. Are
you talking about

those ridiculous pictures Blanche
puts on her Christmas cards?

Those cards are a moving
tribute to the spirit of the season.

A moving tribute?

The three wise men
and you in a teddy

following the Christmas star?

Listen, Rose, if you're not
doing anything right now,

why don't you come with
me to Career Day at school?

And after I finish speaking,

we can go out shopping
for a gift for Miles.

You're speaking at Career Day?

Yeah. Not that I want to.

They have me working in the
"Careers in Teaching" booth.

Oh, Miles is
gonna be there, too,

speaking about
teaching in college.

Oh, speaking at Career
Day is quite a responsibility.

I still remember Career
Day back in St. Olaf.

Check, please.

Gunther Hanchap, St. Olaf's leading
shepherd and notary, came to speak.

(SIGHS) It was so
moving when he talked

about his solitary
existence with the sheep.

No human contact
for months at a time.

(EXCLAIMS) Just building a special
relationship with God's simple creatures.

I really wanted to help.

So you decided to
become a shepherd?

No. I decided to give
Gunther a case of Scotch.

And he really appreciated it,

until he discovered what
mean drunks sheep are.

They're kind of like
cows when they're drunk.

You know what I mean?

Actually, that shepherd
was probably better qualified

to speak at Career Day than I.

I mean, how can I tell the kids

how rewarding teaching is

when I really don't
feel that way anymore?

And I'm... I'm so frustrated.

Budgets are tight.
Classes are crowded.

If I'm lucky, I get to
substitute an English class.

But usually it's...
Oh, I can't even say it.

Driver's Ed?

God, how I hate putting
up those damn cones.

Oh, Dorothy, come on.
Now, you'll do just fine.

I will never forget Career
Day at my high school.

It was a turning
point in my life.

That was the day I decided I was
gonna marry a man who had one.

Anyway, as I was saying,
teaching has many rewards,

but none so great as knowing
that you've passed on the tradition

of American education.

Now, are there any questions?

Yes, Mrs. Zbornak, what does
Joe have to say about all this?

Joe who? Jo mama!

Rose, I think we ought to call
that boudoir photographer today

and make an appointment.

Blanche, I told you,
I am not gonna do it.

Well, then you are
makin' a big mistake.

If you don't make yourself
more interesting to Miles,

you're gonna lose him.

Listen, he's at school
every day with other women

just lookin' for trouble.

Oh, no, he is not.

Okay, look at him right now
talkin' to that young thing.

I know exactly
what he's sayin', too.

He's sayin', "Hey, Cindy,

"why don't I buy you a drink? Or,
even better, let's both get naked."

"Why that is a great idea.

"And I would say
yes in a minute,

"but I thought you
had a girlfriend."

(IN A LOW VOICE) "Aw, we
have an understandin', honey.

"I don't tell her
I'm foolin' around,

"and she doesn't ask any
questions. Heh, heh, heh."

Blanche! I think I've
heard just about enough.

I don't want to hear
another word about this.

All right. All right.
Have it your way.

We have to get to
the photographer now!

And so, are there any questions?

Yeah. What does "Joe"
have to say about all this?


Mrs. Zbornak? That's right.

You taught English.
Eastwick High? 1975?

When Mr. Martinez
had his sex change?

Yes, I was there for
the whole semester

while he went shopping
for new clothes.

How's he doing?

He married Mr. Adkins,
the gym teacher.

Do I know you?

Oh, you probably don't remember.

Randy Becker? American Lit?

Of course I...

My God, what are you doing here?

That's my booth
over there, Borealis.

Ah, Randy "Mr. Ditch" Becker.

And I knew where you
were ditching every time, too.

At the arcade,
wasting hour after hour,

day after day playing those
senseless pinball machines.

Boy, look at you now.

Tell me, what
business are you in?

Video games.

I've made millions
in video games.

Oh, this is so strange.

You know, you teach kids
year after year, but you...

You never know
how they turn out.

Look at you. You
turned out just great.

(LAUGHS) Hey, '75
was a big year for me.

My grades were in the toilet.

I was ready to bail.

Till they brought
in "Atilla The Sub."

I loved that name.

I earned that name.

Boy, you really got on my case.

I appreciate what
you did, Mrs. Zbornak.

Oh, please. Tilla.

You know, I just
had the craziest idea.

If you can inspire
goof-off kids like me,

think what you could
do with my sales force.

What're you talking about?

Well, it just so
happens that I need

a motivational
trainer, a teacher.

You'd be perfect.

Randy Becker, are
you offering me a job?

The benefits are pretty
good, the pay's great,

and you'd have a
health plan. Well...

I just have to see what Joe
has to say about all of this.

Oh, you... You just have to see

what Joe has to say
about all this, huh?

And this Joe, would he
happen to be "Jo mama"?

Uh, Joe Stewart. He's
my business partner.

Oh, of course. No,
Joe Mama's with IBM.

Are you going to take Rose
to that dirty picture place?

Yep. I'm just sorry
I didn't think of it

in time to have
her picture painted.

I've always wanted
to sit for a portrait.

An artist could use his palette

to bring out my
distinctive personality,

my Southern fieriness.

He could showcase
my inner beauty.

Plus, he could cheat and
paint your head to scale.

Well, how do I look?

Look at Dorothy,
ready for her first day

as a successful businesswoman.

Go get 'em, tiger.

You look wonderful, Dorothy,

but don't you think
those shoulder pads

make you seem
a little aggressive?

I'm not wearing shoulder pads.



Well, in that case,
go get 'em, tiger.

You know, Ma,
I've been thinking.

Since I got a raise in salary,

you should get one
in your allowance, too.

And you ask why
I love this woman?

Somebody deserves
a hug for that.

But before I do, let's find out
exactly how much I love you.

Ah, come on. I love
you more than that.

Stan loved you more than that.

Love, love, love that woman.


Well, I'm off. Wish me luck.

Oh, wait a minute,
pussycat, I almost forgot.

I packed your lunch.

Oh, Ma, you didn't
have to do that.

I wanted to. Besides,
it's the exact same lunch

I packed you on your
first day of school. Oh.

Salami and a thermos of wine.

Remember, Dorothy, when
you go to work today, be proud.

You're a Petrillo,
which in Italian means,

"Hey, I'm on a break here."

I'm ready.

Where are you
going with that thing?

This is what I'm wearing
for the photographer.

It's the nightgown that
makes Miles, you know, hot.

Maybe it's the,
you know, flannel.

Rose, you don't understand.

You cannot wear something
that Miles sees you in all the time.

Honey, this is fantasy.

You have to dress
up to please him.

Now, maybe I can help
you come up with a costume.

What's he like?

Well, he's serious,
and conservative,

and concerned about
the world around him.

I know, a nursie.
He'd like a nursie.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
My name is Dorothy Zbornak,

and for the next week we will
be exploring the skills involved

in articulating ideas and
relating them to other people.


Now I realize a lot of you haven't
been in a classroom in years,

but I promise you, this
will not be like school.

I have already read the book
for the class, which is interesting,

and I've also completed all
the assignments for the class.

Plus, this is a special
report that I have written

based on the extra research
that I have done for the class.

We're never gonna
beat you people, are we?

Now the rest of us have a
lot of material to cover today

if we don't want to fall behind.

You're not really
gonna teach, are you?

Well, that is the idea.

Look, listen, lady, we're here
because we know how to do our jobs.

That's why they gave
us a free week in Miami.

I mean, usually we
come to a seminar like this

and you check off our names

and we go play some golf.

You're happy, we're happy.


Okay, Harry, I've just checked
off your name. You're free to go.

If anybody else would
care to go, feel free.

However, if you'd
like to learn something,

then I strongly
suggest that you stay.

Now that's a good one.

Oh, that's a nice one, too.

Really? You don't think
I'm showing too much skin?

Rose, move your thumb.


Oh, and look at this one.

That's beautiful.
Absolutely breathtaking.

That looks like somethin'
you'd see on a calendar

in a muffler shop.

Oh, go on. Do you really
think that's right for Miles?

He's never seen
that side of me before.

You mean, the wanton Rose?

The harlot? The elemental woman

who cries out for the fiery, passionate
response of an elemental man?

Is that the side you mean?

Actually, I meant my heinie.

Miles and I always make
love with the lights off.



Well, except for the time we were
listening to this concert on radio.

(LAUGHING) And when
the applause started,

his Clapper went crazy.

The lights went on,
off, on, off, on, off.


And Miles did his impression
of the old King Kong,

and we laughed and laughed.

So I pretended I was Godzilla,

and we wrestled, got all sweaty.

Come to think of it, we
never did make love that night.

If you didn't make
love, what did you do?

Destroyed Tokyo.

Hi, Blanche. Hi. How
was your first day at work?

Terrible. They
don't want a teacher,

they just want a body to
stand up there and look good

so everyone can write off
the trip as a business expense.

Oh, and I had such high
hopes for this job, too.

Now I have no
option but to quit.

Oh, Dorothy Zbornak,
you hush yourself.

What? Well, just
because those people

don't want to learn, doesn't
mean you can't teach.

Yes, it does.

Well, you know this
stuff better than I do.

Oh, Dorothy, there you are.

Dorothy, I'd like you to
meet my friend, Lillian.

Lillian, this is my
daughter, Dorothy.

The Director of Executive
Training for Borealis.

I think that beats your
son, the cable installer.

So nice to meet you, Dorothy.

It... It's funny, though. What?

I've known Sophia
for almost 25 years,

and until now, I didn't even
know she had a daughter.

Well, I'm sure she must
have mentioned me.

No. She used to always talk
about her parakeet, though.

Yeah, she loved that bird.

So, you were
married to a prince?

Go with me on
this one, pussycat.

I'll explain about
the parakeet later.

MILES: Sweetheart, that
was a wonderful dinner.

It was a birthday I
shall never forget.

Well, this one isn't over yet.

It's time for your present.

Oh, hello, Fay Wray.
Bring on the planes.

(GROWLS) Down, boy, down.

I'm talking about
an actual gift.

Oh, an actual gift. Well...


Who else can that be?

ALL: Surprise!

Rose, look who's here.

These are my colleagues
from the English department.

Gentlemen, this is Rose.

MAN 1: Hi, Rose! MAN 2:
Hello. What's new, Rose?

Come on in. I was just about
to unwrap Rose's present here.

Oh, Miles, we don't
have to do that right now.

Hey, hey, don't let us
spoil your birthday party.

Go ahead and open
it. Oh, come on, Rose.

No, Miles, please don't
open it, please. Why?

it's a naughty picture of me.

Oh, a naughty picture
of you. Oh, Rose Nylund.


MILES: Whoa!

Gentlemen, before you all
check your names off and leave,

I would like a few
moments of your time.

When I first took this job,

I just assumed
that teaching adults

would be easier
than teaching kids.

Obviously, I was wrong.

True, it is hard to teach
an old dog new tricks,

but, believe me, it
is not impossible.

Open your minds.

Walk down new roads.

Shake the cobwebs
from your brains.

You know, there's a time
to play and a time to learn.

And believe me, gentlemen,
your lives will be much better

if you make this
a time to learn.

HARRY: That was very moving.

I'm almost tempted to stay.

That was very
inspirational, Mrs. Zbornak.

And now, if you'll excuse
me, I must catch up with Tojo.

Tojo who?

Tojo mama.

I got a message that
you wanted to see me.

Am I in trouble?

I wanted you to come down here

so you'd see how good
I was at firing up a class,

but obviously it backfired.

Hey, hey, it doesn't matter.

Look, this is a very easy job.

You know who did it before you?

A tape recorder. So, enjoy it.

This is my way of
saying thank you.

No, I appreciate
the gesture, but, um,

I think I'm better
off in high school.

Why? What can you get there
that I'm not giving you here?

A student like you.

You know, all these
gentlemen were goof-offs.

And you were a goof-off,

but I managed to cut
you off at the pass.

I figure the pass is
about the 10th grade.

And that's where I belong.

Well, if that's what you
really want to do, okay.

Hey, listen, if there's
anything I can ever do for you,

you let me know, huh?

Well, you know, actually, I...

I do have an idea
for a new video game.


Yeah. See, there's this
very old, white-haired mother

who keeps talking
and talking and talking,

and there're all these
different ways to kill her.

Sounds kind of weird.

No, I've thought it all out.

And then when you
arrive at level four,

then you get to just nuke her.

I mean, just nuke
the hell out of her!

Oh, I know, honey. I know.

But you just gotta find a way to
turn this negative into a positive.

Now, what was
supposed to have been

a private, intimate moment
between you and your boyfriend

turned into a sordid exhibition
in front of strange men.

And what's the positive?

I slept with the photographer.



Rose, I came over as
soon as I got rid of the guys.

Hey, what were you
thinking dashing off that way?

I felt awful.

That picture was meant for you.

I feel like a complete fool.

Oh, sweetheart, no. Listen...

Listen, let me tell
you something.

Back when I was in the army,

inside my locker I kept
a picture of Betty Grable.

And she was wearing a lot less

than you were wearing
in my birthday photo.

Sweetheart, she was
the darling of America.

Miles, she was in her 20s,

and she had the most
beautiful legs on the planet.

Uh! The second most beautiful.

Oh, Miles.

Rita Hayworth had a
set of gams on her, boy!

Ah, well, no. Look, sweetheart,
about the... About the age thing.

Something I read someplace,
I've always believed.

You know, when you're...
When you're young and beautiful,

it's an accident of nature,

but when you're beautiful
older, you've earned it.

That you created yourself.

Do you really think
my picture is beautiful?

Rose, if I still had a
locker, you'd be in it.

Oh, Miles.


Ma, what is that?

It's my new big screen TV,

thanks to you and the
generous raise in my allowance.

Isn't she a beauty?

Only 1,300 easy payments.

Ma, we have to talk.

The salesman tried to
jerk me around on the price,

but once he found out I was
Jessica Tandy, I got a deal.

Ma, I wouldn't get
too attached to this.

I've named her Tanya.

Ma, I quit my job at Borealis.

I'm going back to teaching.

Which means I'm
really gonna have

to tighten the purse
strings around here.

And this affects me how?

Ma, you're not
making this any easier.

I quit because I
wasn't happy there.

Would you want me to stay
someplace I was unhappy

just because it paid well?

Yes, and I would
encourage you to moonlight.

Ma, I quit because I wasn't
reaching the students.

I wasn't getting through.

I'm going back to high school.

Look at this remote control.

Feel the heft. Feel the power.

I think I could start
the car with this thing.

Ma, my mind is made up.

Whatever makes
you happy, pussycat.

Thanks, Ma.

And I'm sorry, honey, but you're
gonna have to send back the TV.

Not if I could
pay for it myself.

Oh? How do you
propose to do that?

I have the negatives
from Rose's photo shoot.

It doesn't say much for
this great land of ours,

but there's a market out there.

You know, Mrs. Petrillo, I've
never had a woman your age

do a boudoir photograph.

Yeah, well, I want to have
a good one for the obit.

Okay. Show me what you got.