The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 19 - A Midwinter Night's Dream - full transcript

There's a full moon on a leap year's day, and Sophia must break a long-standing curse that she believes could cost Dorothy her life. Meanwhile, Blanche throws a party and Rose asks Miles to marry her (so they can use a free honeymoon to Paris that she won in a contest).

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew



♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ Thank you
for being a friend ♪

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Dorothy, what are you doing?

I'm watching Amazing Discoveries.
Look at that.

The thing just shucks
the corn off the cob.

It just shucks it off.

I cannot watch you spend
one more night like this.

You're coming with me
to the Rusty Anchor.

Oh, Blanche, I told you, I am so
uncomfortable with strangers.



Now, now, don't blame yourself.

They're just as
uncomfortable with you.

It all stems from
your low self-esteem.

What are you talking about?

Dorothy, if you felt
better about yourself

you'd want to get
out and do more.

I have a little exercise I do

whenever my self-esteem's
kind of low.

I say my name and then I list three
positive things about myself.

I'm Blanche Devereaux.
I'm beautiful,

men find me desirable, and
people want to be my friend.

Go on now, you try.
Oh, Blanche.

Oh, please. Please.

(SIGHS) I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
I'm beautiful,

men find me desirable, and
people want to be my friend.

I'm sorry
I confused you, honey.

You're supposed to say three
positive things that apply to you.

You know, like you could say,
"I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

"I'm a good speller, and I'm...

"I'm very prompt and, um..."

Well, actually,
there's-- there's no law

that says
there has to be three.

Actually, I just thought
of a third one.

I can snap a friend's neck
like a twig.

ROSE: There we go.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, girls, we just went
to Doug Kirkpatrick's wake.

It was the greatest.

I can't remember
when I had so much fun.

Those Irishmen.

They even laid out Doug's
body in the living room.

Oh, that sounds morbid.

I didn't have a problem with it

till one of the relatives
got drunk and started

slow dancing with the corpse.

But even then
it was surprisingly touching.

And speaking of being touched,

it's nickel beer night
at the Rusty Anchor.

I'm gonna get my purse,

you get changed,
'cause we're goin'.

Oh, Blanche, what if no one
there wants to talk to me?

What if nobody
asks me to dance?

Now, Dorothy, think,

if there's somebody out there who
is willin' to dance with a corpse,

there's somebody willin'
to dance with you.

Blanche, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.

Well, nonsense.
I promise you're gonna have a good time.

Wait. You're going to introduce
me to some of your friends?

Yes, if I see anybody I know.

ALL: Blanche!

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Blanche. How's life?

Well,
it's a dog-eat-dog world,

and I'm wearin' no underwear.

Hi, everybody.
Hi, Frank.

Hey, boys, I want you all to
meet my best friend Dorothy.

Dorothy, this is Frank
and Alan and Paul.

Hiya, Dorothy.
How are you?

You boys show her a good time.

I would, but I want
to have one myself.

You're... You're a little
uncomfortable, aren't you?

Uh, to be...

To be honest, I'm not really

into the bar scene.

I...
I sense you're not either.

I guess the problem is to
make that human connection,

you know, with the...

(PLAYING SOFT MUSIC)

Hi.
Hi.

I haven't seen you here before.

I usually don't come
to places like this.

Well, I can understand.

A lot of people feel
uncomfortable in a bar.

(BLANCHE LAUGHING)

Yes, I can see that.

(HUMMING)

Hey, you don't
happen to sing, do you?

What makes you think that I--I
sing, or would even want to?

I mean, you know,
some people might enjoy

making fools of
themselves in public,

but, uh... Me, sing?
I... I don't think so.

You sing, don't you?
A little.

Great. Uh, how about
some Irving Berlin?

Blue Skies? Always?

Maybe...
Maybe some other time.

What'll I Do?

D flat is good for me.

♪ What'll I do?

(HUMMING)

♪ ...away

♪ And I am blue

♪ What'll I do?

Very nice.

♪ What'll I do

♪ When I am wondering

♪ Who is kissing you

♪ What'll I do?

You're very good, Dorothy.

♪ What'll I do

♪ With just a photograph

♪ To tell my troubles to?

♪ When I'm alone

♪ With only dreams of you

♪ That won't come true

♪ What'll I do?

♪ What'll I do

♪ With just a photograph

♪ To tell my troubles to?

♪ When I'm alone

♪ With only dreams of you

♪ That won't come true

♪ What'll I do?

(ALL CHEERING)

Your friend's pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not wearing a bra.

Oh, Blanche, honey,

I just wanted to thank you
again for last night.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Sure. No problem.

You still haven't said
anything about my performance.

What, you mean that little
ditty you croaked out?

I thought it was cute.

Dorothy, how would you like
to go to a wake next Friday?

Ma, you know how I feel
about those things.

They're so sad and depressing.

Whose wake is it anyway?

Mine.
What time?

No, she's serious.

Next Friday Sophia's
gonna throw her own wake.

Food, drinks, music.

The only difference will be
she'll be alive.

God willing.

Wait a minute, what--what
are you talking about?

At Doug's wake, people got up and
said wonderful things about him.

But he wasn't there to hear it.

I don't want that
to happen to me.

I want to hear
how people feel about me.

I want to be there to listen
as they salute my--my grace,

my wit, my inner beauty.

Ma, writers cost money.

Now,
this whole idea is twisted.

Come on, you're gonna be
around for years.

There's no reason for anybody
to say goodbye to you.

Dorothy, I want this.

There's nothing
you can do to stop me.

Nothing you can say will prevent me
from having the wake of my dreams.

Well, I'm not paying for it.

Okay, a kitten.
Can I have a kitten?

Sophia, I'll be happy to pay
for your wake. I love you.

Well, me, too.

Well, fine. Fine.
Do what you want.

Just don't expect me
to be a part of it.

I even know a way
we can save some money.

I'll make the hors d'oeuvres.

Some wake.

Scandinavian crap on a cracker.

I mean, thank you.

(ALL CHANTING)
Blanche, Blanche, Blanche...

It's a bosun's knot, all right!

(ALL CHEERING)

Now for my encore.

Ahem, the Star of David!

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Hey, it's Dorothy!

Hey, Dorothy!
MAN 1: Hi!

MAN 2: Dorothy, glad to see you again.
MAN 3: Hi!

Hey, come on down here
and let me buy you a drink.

Hey, no, no, no, no.
I wanna buy her a drink!

Hey, I asked her first.
Oh, come on, come on. Boys, boys, boys!

I am woman enough
for all of you.

This is the point in my dream where
I usually wake up screamin'.

What are you doing here
anyway, Dorothy?

Well, I tell you, I was on
my way to the laundromat,

and I just happened to pass by
and thought I'd drop in.

Well, uh, you gonna sing
for us tonight, Dorothy?

Oh, yeah, Dorothy.
Yeah, yeah. Come on.

No, no, no.
I'm not prepared.

Come on, you gotta
sing for us again.

Really I wouldn't know what to do.
Oh, come on.

Hey, she said
she's not prepared.

There's no use asking her to...
Will you look what I found?

Sheet music!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

I--I have a much better idea.
Let's all conga!

MAN 4: Later, Blanche.

We wanna hear Dorothy sing.

(EXCLAIMS)

(PLAYING HARD HEARTED HANNAH)

♪ They call her
hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah

♪ Meanest gal in town

♪ Now, leather is tough

♪ But Hannah's heart is tougher

♪ She's a gal who likes
to see men suffer

What's the matter, Blanche?
You seem upset. Is anything wrong?

Oh, no. No big deal.

Just one little thing.

I feel like I've died
and gone to hell.

♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA

(ALL CHEERING)

Excuse me,
I couldn't help but notice

you took several of my tasty,
delicious, lutefisk puffs

and you've hardly touched them.

Uh, I just don't care for them.

Yeah, well, that's an ugly hat.

Rose, nobody's having a good time.
It's supposed to be a party.

Well, maybe when Sophia
makes her entrance,

it'll perk things up.

Oh, everybody, here's Myrtle!

Oh, Myrtle,
thank goodness you got here.

You're just the person we need
to liven up this party.

Do some of those impressions
you're so good at.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

(EXCLAIMS)

Jimmy Swaggart, right?

That's just wonderful.
Do another one.

The last time I saw her
she was fine.

I didn't even know
she was sick.

What happened?

Wait, don't tell me.
Uh, Claus von Bulow?

I'm talking about Sophia.

How did she die?

What do you mean,
how did she...

Excuse me.

Rose, listen, I want you to
think now, very carefully.

When you sent out
those invitations,

you did remember
to tell everyone

Sophia's really alive,
didn't you?

Blanche, I'm offended.

How dumb do you think I am?

I put it...

I made the freaking
hors d'oeuvres.

Leave me alone.

You idiot.
Everybody thinks she's dead now!

Well, we're gonna have to tell 'em
the truth before she comes...

Hey, everyone!

(MOURNERS SCREAMING)

Thanks for coming to my wake.

What do you think of the dress?

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Well, excuse me
for buying off the rack.

Sophia, is it really you?

You're supposed to be dead.

Hold that thought.

Rose, you forgot to tell these
people I was alive, didn't you?

And I made the freaking punch,

and I made
the freaking decorations.

What is this?
Some kind of sick joke?

(CHATTERING)

All right, everybody,
now just stop!

Okay, so there's been
a little misunderstanding.

But the point is,
you're all here.

And you were invited
to--to celebrate Sophia's life

and--and the wonderful
times you've shared.

And--And the good news is
that Sophia's still with us.

So, now you have
the chance to tell her

how you really feel about her.

I'll go first.

Sophia, I drove 30 miles

and missed a day of work
just to be here.

I think it's very selfish
of you not to be dead.

And I missed...

Well, actually, I didn't have
anything planned for today,

but I'm still p. o.'d.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sophia.

But, you know, the important
thing is they all came.

And... And, when they thought you
were dead, they were real sad.

Now that counts for somethin'.

I guess you're right.

But I still wish my wake
hadn't been such a disaster.

Well, look on the bright side.

You'll have another one.

ALL: Dorothy!

Hi, everybody!

MAN: Hey, Dorothy.

Hey, Dorothy,
what's your pleasure?

Claude Akins on a waterbed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Until then,
a beer will have to do.

Hey, guys, what about me?

Blanche!
Well, that's more like it.

Shut the door.

See? What did I tell you?

That's why I wanted you to come
down and see for yourself.

Look at that. The men are
practically swarming all over her.

Just like she was somebody.

I just have to keep reminding
myself, I am Blanche Devereaux.

I am beautiful,
men find me desirable,

and my life is over.

Boy, when the mask falls off,
it really makes a thud.

Come on, Dorothy,
sing something for us.

Oh, yeah.
Come on, sing something for us.

Something wrong, Sophia?

I don't believe it.
My Dorothy is popular.

After 60 years of bargaining
with God, it's finally happened.

Per our agreement, I'm off to
Calcutta to work with the poor.

Well, I for one have had it
with Miss Dorothy Zbornak.

I'm gonna get this bar's attention
if it's the last thing I do.

MAN: Why don't you do what you did last time?
That would be good. That...

Hey, fellows, what's goin' on?

Oh, yeah, hi, Blanche.
Sit down.

Dorothy's about to sing for us.
Yeah.

Did it ever occur to any of you
that maybe I'd like to sing?

(LAUGHING) Come on, Blanche.

You've been coming here
seven years,

the only thing I've ever seen
you do on that piano is...

Hey, hey, hey.
There's a lady present.

Thank you.

Everybody, may I have
your attention, please?

Two can play at this game,
you know.

Boys,

I have a little
surprise for you.

Yeah, yeah, we know.
You're not wearing a bra.

No. No, I'm gonna sing.

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

Could you, please?

Thank you.

For all my special friends
here at the Rusty Anchor,

this one's for you.

Hit it, Ron.

(PLAYING I WANNA BE
LOVED BY YOU)

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you

♪ And nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Alone

♪ Boop-boop-ba-doo

♪ Kissed by you, just you

♪ And nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be kissed by you

♪ Alone

♪ I couldn't aspire

♪ To anything higher

♪ Than your desire

♪ To make you my own

♪ Ba-bop-bee-da
boop-boop-dee-doo

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you

♪ And nobody else but you

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Alone

♪ Boop-boop-a-doop!

Hi, handsome.
What's your name?

His name's Don,
and he just had hip surgery.

Well, hello, big boy.

Is that a gun in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?

(YELLS)

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you and nobody
else but you

♪ I wanna be loved by you

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Two Jews, an Arab, and a
priest walk into a bar...

I don't understand
what you're so upset about.

The Rusty Anchor is my place, damn it.
Not yours.

Blanche, you were the one who
begged me to come down here.

You were the one
who told me to get a life.

Well, I didn't mean mine!

I didn't know
you were gonna come in here

and just take
my place away from me.

I would never do
that to you, Dorothy.

Do you see me going down
to sing at the library?

Well, do you?

Blanche, I'm...
I'm sorry. I had no idea.

All right, the truth is,

I'm jealous of you.

Oh, God, that leaves
a bad taste in my mouth.

Blanche,
what are you talking about?

Dorothy, the one thing in my life
I've always been assured of is

being the center of attention.

Oh, I knew I never had
to worry about competing

with any other woman
'cause I'd always win.

But when I saw you
sing the other night,

I realized why all those men

were practically fallin' all
over themselves to get to you.

Because, Dorothy,
when you sing,

you light up the room.
You do.

You positively glow.
You're just...

You're beautiful.

Oh, Blanche,
you don't have to say that.

Well, believe me,
I don't like sayin' it.

But it's true.

You can attract men
in a way I can't

and I'm jealous of you.

Blanche Devereaux,

that is the nicest thing
that you have ever said to me.

It is?
Absolutely.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Most of the time when I compliment
you, I'm not being sincere.

But I really meant
that last one, I swear.

Look, Blanche, the Rusty Anchor

is not worth risking
our friendship over.

If you want me to stop
coming here, just say so.

I want you to stop comin' here.

Like hell I will.

Then what are we gonna do?

Why don't we share?

Let's just be sure that we both
don't show up on the same night.

You mean, like I would come three
nights a week, and you come three?

Right. Oh, wait a minute.
What about Sunday?

Oh, you don't wanna come
on a Sunday, Dorothy.

The men have been watching
football all day long.

They're drunk and rowdy...

Yeah, you want Sundays,
don't you?

Please.

It's a deal.

Oh, Dorothy.

Dorothy,
are you ever jealous of me?

Every day of my life.

Blanche, why don't we go
out there and do a duet?

Do you know Cry Me A River?

Uh, no, I don't.

Good. We'll do that one.

♪ I saw her at the seashore

♪ With a great big pan

♪ Well, there was Hannah pouring
water on a drowning man

♪ She's hard-hearted Hannah

♪ The vamp of Savannah, GA

(ALL APPLAUDING)