The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 11 - From Here to the Pharmacy - full transcript

Blanche dates a man who claims to have returned from military service in the Persian Gulf.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

I, Sophia Petrillo, being
of sound mind and body,

do hereby leave my daughter,

Dorothy Zbornak, nothing.


It's a joke. I'm kidding.

Like when I said
"sound mind and body."

Sophia, wills are
no joking matter.

Charlie tried to
be funny with his

and left everything to
Henrietta, our prized cow.

Well, some lawyer
got a hold of the will

and represented
Henrietta on contingency.

There I was presenting my
side to a jury of her peers.

It took over six months
to get the farm back.

What a terrible story.

I mean it. It's
a terrible story.

But you must have been
relieved when you won.

Oh, yeah. We celebrated
with a big, thick steak.

Hi, guys.

Oh, Dorothy, I'm glad
you're here. Sit down.

Oh? What is it, Ma?

As you know, my child,
I'm getting on in years

and I've decided it's time
for me to settle my estate.

What estate? Your loofah
sponge and bus pass?

Don't forget the four gold teeth

when your father worked
at the funeral parlor.

"Perks," he called them.

That's the stock you come from.

I come from grave robbers?

Grave robber, entrepreneur.

Potato, potahto. We
had a family to feed.

I hated that cow.

I still don't think she should
have been awarded the car.

Not that she got to use it.

Butt out. I'm having an
important moment with my heir.

Dorothy, Rose is helping
me make out an ironclad will.

Wait, you're using
Rose as a lawyer?

I know what I'm doing.

Every Thursday, I watch La Law.

That's L.A. Law.

I wondered why Susan Dey
didn't have a French accent.

Girls, what am I gonna do?

I got a call from a soldier who
just returned from the Persian Gulf.

Don't fall for it, Blanche.

Sal didn't come home
from World War II till 1951.

Where was he
stationed? In the attic.

Ma, you told me
he was in the arctic.

The attic, the arctic.
Tomato, tomahto.

He had a family to feed.

Well, anyway, this soldier
really did go to the war,

and he's gonna
be here any minute,

and I don't know what to do
'cause I can't remember him.

All he said on the
phone was that he had

a great time with me
the night before he left.

Oh, then it's got
to be... anybody.


Ah, there's your
unknown soldier now.

Oh, Dorothy, would
you please get the door?

And find out his name.

Blanche, what are
you so worried about?

The minute you see
him, you'll remember.

Rose, he's gonna be
standin' up with his clothes on.

He could be... Anybody.

Please, Dorothy?

Oh, all right.

Can I come? Sure, Ma.

Oh, boy. We're going
to the living room.

We don't have much
of a life, do we, Dorothy?

Dorothy? Dorothy?

Now remember, be nice to him.

He hasn't had
sex in over a year.


Look who I'm talkin' to.

Hello, is Blanche here?

Yes, she is. Uh, whom
shall I say is calling?

This is kind of embarrassing.

Would you mind telling
her Loverboy is here?

Nothing would give
me greater pleasure.

Uh, Blanche, Loverboy is here.



Not a clue.

I just got off the plane. I
haven't even been home yet.

I just couldn't wait to
see you, Blanche. Oh.

Oh, Loverboy. That's...
That's so sweet, Loverboy.

All those months
away I kept saying,

"There's a great lady waiting
for you back home, Ken."

Ken! That's it. Of course, Ken.

Then Ken would
turn to me and say,

"There's a great lady
waiting for you, too, Bill."


Bill, he was talking
to you, right? Yes.

Yes, of course.
Darlings, this is Bill.

Well, I guess Bill
and I should be going.

I thought we should go
back to that same place

where we fell in love, Blanche.

Yes, that's great.
That'd be wonderful.

Yes. We'll go right
back to... there.

We'll just do exactly the
same things we did that night.

Oh, what a wonderful
night that was.

Bye, girls.

Not a clue.

Isn't this something, Blanche?

Do you believe they
gave us the same table?

Well, why would they
seat us separately?

I mean, the same
table as last time.

Oh, of course. Silly me.

Oh, and look, even
the same chairs.


Blanche, I have a
confession to make.

It's not easy.

But something happened over there
and I think you should know about it.

Well, I did keep pretty well up
with what went on over there.

I saw Schwarzkopf on
the Bob Hope special.

What I'm talking about
is personal, Blanche.

I know we said we wouldn't
even look at anybody else.

But the first night the
sirens went off, I got scared.

And there was this
nurse that I talked to.

Oh, how could you,
Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?

I swear, it didn't mean a thing.

Was she beautiful?

Not as beautiful as you.

Well, I... I, too, have
a confession to make.

I got scared, too.

Three, four times a week.

Depending upon how
often the phone rang.

You were scared they were calling
about me, weren't you, Blanche?

Yeah. Yeah, that's
it. That's a good one.

Well, if it weren't
for your picture,

I don't think I'd have
made it through.

My picture?

You know, it sounds corny,

but I put your
picture in my locker,

and I would look
at it every day.

You don't know how
important it is to know

that you've got
somebody back home,

especially when you're
thousands of miles away

in the middle of a war.

You promised me
when I came back,

I would be your
one and only guy.




Welcome home, soldier.

Rose, it's late. What
are you doing up?

I'm just cleaning up some
things on your mother's will.

Oh, you mean the legal language?

No. I spilled some sauce.

Ma, what are you doing up?

Disappointed, huh?

If I'm up that means I'm alive,

and if I'm alive, it means you
can't get your hands on my money.

What are you talking about?

You know about the will.

You know if I die
you'll be on easy street.

What did you do, Dorothy, slip
cyanide into my mouthwash?

Ha, ha! The joke's
on you, I don't use it.

Oh, Ma, come on.
You're just being silly.

Here, have some tea.

It'll relax you.

Nice try, Dorothy.
Rose, you taste it.

Rose, don't!

That tea was for my mommy.

You try to do right by your kids

and you end up as the
lead story on Hard Copy.

Do you have any idea
what she's talking about,

or do we have to
up her medication?

I do know what she's talking
about, but I can't tell you.

I couldn't violate the
attorney-client privilege.

Especially when we're talking
about a sum as large as $35,000.


And four gold teeth.


Nice going, counselor.

Exactly how close to the
television are you sitting

when you're watching La Law?

All right, Ma, enough.

Now, where did you get $35,000?

Did you ever hear of hard work?

Well, your brother and
sister had to work very hard

to send me that money.

Are you telling me that all these
years you were hoarding money

while I had to make
big, huge sacrifices?

I'm not telling you,
you're guessing.

But to be perfectly honest,
you're getting warmer.

Oh, what a wonderful night.

Now that Bill's getting
out of the service,

we can build a life together.

Maybe with a VA loan we can
get a nice little house in the country

with a dog, a cat,
a station wagon.

Blanche, you're
talking like it's 1945.

These aren't the
best years of your life,

these are the last
years of your life.

Dorothy, tonight, when I was
dancing in his arms, it hit me.

One minute I was
worried about my hair,

the next I was in love.

Bill is the most romantic
man I've ever known.

She always says that
when they give her a hat.

Good morning, Dorothy.
Don't start, Rose, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. That good
morning crack was way out of line.

Oh, no, it's me.

I was up all night thinking
of how Ma's been hoarding

all those checks
from Phil and Gloria,

while I've had to go without.

Well, now, Dorothy, you really
can't blame Sophia for your sex life.

That's not what
I'm talking about,

but since you brought
it up, yes, I can.

If I'd had the money, I could have
been living in a swinging condo,

instead of with...

I better not say anything
till I've had my coffee.

A slut and a moron.

I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Good morning, pussycat.

Huh? What's so
"pussycat" about it?

Do you have any idea of
how furious I am with you?

All these years I
have given up things

so that you could
have a decent life.

"No, Ma, I don't need new
shoes, I want you to play bingo.

"No, Ma, I don't need that
vacation, you need new wallpaper.

"My car will last
another year..."

All right, Dorothy. I
see behind that mask.

You're angry.

You're damn right, I'm angry.

You've been hoarding
money for the last 10 years

and taking advantage of me.

Of course I'm angry.

No, it's something else.

I think you didn't get enough
hugs when you were a kid.

It's payback time.
Come here, pussycat.

Why don't you hug
your money, Ma?

From now on, I'm not
paying for anything.

You are on your own.

You can't do this to me.
You never touch the principal.

That money's for my old age.

"Old age"?

You don't leave
fingerprints anymore.

I'm in my twilight years.

You're in the Twilight Zone.

Hopi Indians are walking around
saying, "How does she do it?"

Ma, you're cut off.


I had to see you this morning.

I just couldn't go to the
drugstore without giving you this.

Oh, why, thank you.

Why... Why are you
going to the drugstore?

I'm your pharmacist.

You're Bill. Bill,
the pharmacist.

Bill, the man in your life.

I'll pick you up after work.

Goodbye, my love.



Blanche, what's wrong?

My handsome soldier from
last night is a pharmacist,

a name-tag wearing, pill-counting,
"Thank you, come again.

"Sorry, we don't
validate," pharmacist.

Well, if he doesn't
validate, get rid of him.

Yeah, dump him
like you do all the rest.

Well, ordinarily, I would,
but how... how can I do that?

He's... He's been dreaming
of me for over a year.

And I care about him.

I mean, I care about
him when he's a soldier.

Oh, I said things to him last
night, I've never said to anybody.

Clean things.

Oh, no, I can't dump this man.

Not after what
I've meant to him.

Not after what he's
done for his country.

Girls, how do you
think this sounds?

"Dear Bill, I always promised
my father, Big Daddy,

"that I would never get
serious about anybody

"he didn't approve of.
Since he is dead, I feel..."

Oh, for God's sake, Blanche.

Well, I guess I could always
tell him that he's too good for me.

Sometimes the truth is best.

Here you go. Half butter
pecan, half rocky road.

Just like you like it, ma'am.

Thank you, Sophia.


Oh, here, darling,
that's for you.

Wow, a whole dollar.

Now I can buy those knee-highs
I've been saving up for.

Let me know if you have
any more work, Blanche.

Well, I may want
you to take this letter

down to the pharmacy
and give it to Bill.

Oh, Blanche, you're not
gonna send that letter.

I mean, that's so cold.

Don't you think you owe him
a face-to-face explanation?

Good job, Dorothy.

Cut off what little
income I've got.

Blanche, instead of sending the
letter, why don't you talk to him?

I mean, get to know him.
Find out where this goes.

You know, ever since
we've known you,

you have never once worked on
having a meaningful relationship.

I have had many
meaningful relationships.

Many, many, many
meaningful relationships.

Sharing a worm from a
tequila bottle is not meaningful.

No, you find one little flaw in
somebody, and you run away.

"A little flaw"? He
has skinny arms.

How'd you like
to be made love to

by somebody who has
arms like your mother?

My father made love to her
because of her inner beauty.

He never saw me naked.

I don't know, Dorothy,
maybe you're right.

I should try to make
this relationship work.

(SIGHS) Okay, I'm
gonna go get prettied up

and then I'm going
down to the drugstore

and... and get to know
more about this man.

You know, Bill's likes, Bill's
dislikes, Bill's last name.

I used to put the Haley's
M-O on the bottom, nothing.

Then I put it eye level.

The public went nuts.

It was walking out of the store.

People will bend for aspirins.

They won't bend for laxatives.

Isn't that fascinating, Bill.

So, Bill, what's on sale?

Breast pumps. What else?

Afro Sheen. Moving on.

Preparation H. Hot damn.

(CHUCKLING) Isn't she awful?

So, Bill, what other exciting
things can you tell me

about the drugstore business?

Blanche, we gotta talk.

You know the laxative thing?

Mmm-hmm. That's
about as exciting as it gets.

This place, my job,
it's pretty routine.

Oh, what are you talking
about? You're a hero.

Over there.

Over here, I'm just
an ordinary guy.


Excuse me. Here.

You give your son
this every four hours,

and if his fever
doesn't go down,

you take him to
see el doctor Seigal

at 11th and Lincoln.


Hey, who says you're not a hero?

Welcome home.

It is home, isn't it?

Last night I wasn't
quite here yet.

This morning was real.

When I handed you that rose,

I realized I was standing
at a stranger's door.

Because the truth
is, I'm not a soldier.

I'm a pharmacist in his 50s,

and you're a woman in her...

Watch it, Bill.

You're a woman in
the prime of her life,

who I would like to
get to know better.


And we can both
see other people?



Oh, sir? Mmm?

I caught this old
lady assaulting a man

over the last tube
of Preparation H.

The tube broke and
it's all over aisle 7.

I detained her for scooping
up the rest of the ointment

and putting it in her purse.


Oh, big deal.

The other guy got away
scot-free, and he wriggled in it.

Uh, Ma, I bought
you a little something.

You what?

I bought you a new handbag

to replace the one that
you ruined at the drugstore.

Oh, thank God.

The other one shrank down
to the size of a change purse.

Wait a minute.

What's the catch?

Ma, there's no catch.

I just realized I like
taking care of you.

I just wish you could have
told me about the money,

so we could be
honest with each other.

It's not that I want the money.

If I don't leave my children
anything, I'm a nobody.

How many times have I heard,

"He provided well," or,
"She didn't leave a dime"?

I want you to be able to have
everything you want when I'm gone.

And when you do, you'll think,

"I have this because of Ma."

Oh, Ma.

Life isn't just valued
by the money you leave.

It's... It's the
memories. The love.

And you filled
my life with that.

You're right, pussycat.

And I should want to see you enjoy
some of that money while I'm still around.

Here's a molar.

Buy yourself something pretty.

That is so sweet.
Ma, I tell you what.

Let me make you a cup of tea.

I, Sophia Petrillo,

when I die, wanna be
blown to a million, billion bits.


I, Sophia Petrillo,
leave my daughter

to science.