The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 12 - The Pope's Ring - full transcript

When Pope John Paul II visits Miami, Sophia wants to see him and ask for the blessing of a sick friend.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Good mornin'.



Oh, how was your
date last night?

Oh, it's too soon to tell.

I'll let you know when
I send him home.

Is this for Rose's birthday?

Oh, now, look, don't
you start with me.

Every Christmas, every birthday,

any time we have to give
a gift to the same person,

you always find something wrong
with mine so yours looks better.

I didn't say anything.

But let's face it,

those who ignore history
are doomed to repeat it.

Look at the ducky
wrappin' paper.

And the little stick-on bow.

Did you get her a Ziggy card?



No.

Oh, my. Not Snoopy?

I didn't get her a card.

Dorothy, if you're really
so worried about this,

well, I'll just let
Rose open yours first

so you won't be embarrassed.

You know, your ego is so fragile

you have to turn everything
into a popularity contest.

Well, I have news for you.

Today your worst
nightmare happens.

Today I make you look bad.

You hate me 'cause
I'm beautiful, don't you?

There's a man leaving in
10 minutes. Be under him.

Coming through.

The Pope's in town and
I've got a bus to catch.

Let's see, I've got my
binoculars, my lucky rosary...

Uh-oh, I forgot my
whoopee cushion.

Ah, who am I kidding?

Everyone on that
bus will be over 80.

It'd be like getting a
dog to bark in a kennel.

What are you talkin'
about, Sophia?

Oh, the Pope is saying a
mass on his stopover here.

Ma got two tickets.
We're going together.

Oh, a papal mass is something
people wait a lifetime for.

Whoops.

"Whoops"? Is that Pope-related,

or just another
bark in the kennel?

The Pope. I traded our two
bad tickets way in the back

for one good
ticket way up front.

Well, Ma, what about me?

Uh, I thought about
that. This is the plan.

We'll get one of those
really long overcoats,

I'll stand on your
shoulders, and...

And what? Blend in
with the circus folk?

Dorothy, I need to
get close to the Pope

so I can ask him to come and
bless my friend Agnes in the hospital.

Oh, well, now, isn't that sweet?

But, honey, with
all those people,

there's no way you're ever going

to get the Pope to notice you.

Oh, he'll notice me.

I'm home.

Oh, Rose, happy birthday, honey!

Oh, thanks so much, sweetheart.

An even happier
birthday from me.

You're hurting me, Dorothy.

Sorry.

Honey, before you do anything
else I want you to open my gift.

I think you're gonna like it.

Oh, isn't that pretty.

Oh, Dorothy!

Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt

with my name misspelled on it.

Oh, you're right,
Dorothy, I love it!

Rose, that is the original Mickey
Mouse Club sweatshirt that Roy wore!

I got it at an auction.

Oh, my God. I loved Roy.

Oh, there was
something about him.

Woof!

Oh, Dorothy, I just can't
imagine a better birthday present.

Neither can I. Blanche?

Rose, before I give you mine,

I just want to ask
you one question.

It may seem a little odd, but
it has a lot to do with your gift.

Has Miles started wearing
bikini underwear lately?

Blanche, please,
the Pope is in town.

I'm serious.

Actually, Miles did
buy some bikinis.

But just the bottoms.

I have been watching
Miles for a while,

and I think he's
going through a crisis.

He is showing all the signs.

Trying to act trendy,
trying to be young.

And if he's also
wearing bikinis...

Just the bottoms.

Mmm-hmm. Well, Rose, I'm afraid
he may start playin' around on you.

Wait a minute.

None of this proves that Miles is
even thinking of cheating on Rose.

You're absolutely
right, Dorothy.

And that is why I have hired
a detective to follow Miles

and find out for sure!

Happy birthday, honey!

A detective?

You're giving the
gift of suspicion?

That's right.

He's gonna follow Miles everywhere
he goes for the next two weeks.

Oh, and if you really
love any of the pictures,

you can get 'em in wallet size.

Well, I can't use this.

She's right.

This violates the privacy
of her relationship,

and I think you
should take it back.

You're just trying to make that old
stupid sweatshirt of yours look better.

Besides I can't take it
back. I paid in advance.

Can't you get a refund?

Well, no. I paid with
nature's credit card.

You never leave home without it.

Blanche, I'm not sure.

Miles has never given me the
slightest reason to distrust him.

Rose, he was in the
Witness Protection Program.

He lied about his
job, his past, his name.

Everything!

Well, it is already paid for.

We're going out now!

Outside on the lanai!

Uh, yes! Yes, here we are!

(LAUGHS)

We're probably gonna
sit in these chairs.

Rose? Why did we do that?

Did it seem odd to you?

Well, well, yes, a little.

But, hey, you're
the birthday girl.

Hey, I got an idea.

I'm... I'm feeling
a little frisky.

Did you ever make
love in the out-of-doors?

Miles, no.

Well, just once.

Charlie and I went to St. Olaf's
most romantic outdoor trysting place.

Mount Pushover.

But that place was
sacred. Not out here, Miles.

Oh, come on, Rose. I mean, it's not
like anybody would be watching us.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

But the others are just inside.

Yeah, they're right inside.
That's what makes it exciting.

Come on, live for the day, hmm?

Miles, there's a
detective in the bushes.

A detective... A
detective in the bushes!

Oh, that's... that's perfect,
and... and you make believe

you're the farmer's daughter
hanging clothes on the line, see?

Oh, come on. Places,
everybody! Miles!

No, no, no, make
up a detective name.

No, Miles, there is a
detective in the bushes.

Come on out! Right now!

DETECTIVE: I'm not really
supposed to let you see me.

DETECTIVE: It's like a rule.

Out!

(CHUCKLING) Sorry.

Rose, what is going on here?

Blanche gave me a
detective for my birthday.

How you doing?

She was afraid you
might be cheating on me.

Oh. Oh, I see. Well,
Blanche is a good friend.

I suppose... Well, I suppose
she was just looking out for you.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're not mad at her.

I'm not. I'm mad at you!

Hey, as long as
it's your birthday,

how about I get one of the
two of you together, huh?

Do you mind?

Me? Why are you mad at me?

Oh, Rose, you should have
known you could trust me.

This is an insult to me
and our whole relationship!

Miles? Miles!

(SIGHING)

Miles, big news... Later.

Rose, I've got...
I'm busy, Sophia.

Dorothy, I can't breathe!

Not now, Ma.

Okay, but this better be good.

I don't know. How
good would you consider

the Pope's ring?

Okay, Ma, squirt me in
the eye and get it over with.

No. This is his ring.

Look.

My God, Ma!

This looks real!

It is real.

You think he'd wear his
fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?

But, Ma, how did this happen?

Picture it. The papal mass.

A few hours ago.

I want to cop a
blessing for Agnes,

so I sneak into the
crippled and lame section.

Oh, Ma, how could you?

With a pronounced limp.

The Pope finally arrives, I
bend down to kiss his ring.

Just then, security comes
and whisks him away.

He leaves the ring
behind as a memento.

Ma, you stole the Pope's ring?

It slipped off. You know, for
God's representative on Earth,

he sure has sweaty palms.

You're gonna take it right back.

Dorothy, this is a sign.

Maybe I'm supposed
to make a miracle.

Hey, maybe this is my
shot at getting into the Bible.

Ma, the Bible is a done deal.

Now, you can't keep it.

We're talking about a millenniums-old
symbol of the Pope's authority.

Something so steeped
in history and tradition

that it makes even
you seem middle-aged.

You're right. I'm sorry, I
don't know what got into me.

I'll bring it back.

Wine!

Worth a shot.

Well, I finally got
Miles to forgive me.

He must've made me
promise a million times

that I would never,
ever doubt him again.

Rose, I have the
detective's report here,

I think we ought to read it.

Okay.

Rose!

Dorothy, I want to hear that
report because I do trust Miles.

And it'll prove that
both of you should, too.

Oh, no. Listen to this.

"9:30: confirmed surgery
for the following day."

Surgery? On what?

That's all it says.

Oh, my God.

Oh, now, honey, don't panic.

I mean, it... it may not
be anything serious.

Of course it's serious.

If it was minor, he would
have told me about it.

That's why he's
been living for the day.

He's afraid there
won't be a tomorrow.

This may not be a good time,

but has anyone seen a
large, jewel-encrusted ring

that's steeped in history
just lying around lately?

That's it, I'm damned. I'll never
make it to heaven to see my Sal.

Now, take it easy, Ma.
Let's retrace your steps.

What did you do when
you first got home?

Who knows? Nap on the couch,

nap on the bed,
nap on the lanai.

I do so much, it's all a blur.

Then we just have to
search room by room.

It's hopeless.
We'll never find it.

I say we just wait
and pray it turns up,

say in the next day or two.

What?

Those are the exact
words you used

when my gold
bracelet was missing.

So?

So two days later you came
back from the dentist saying,

"Are these fillings
or are these fillings?"

What's your point?
You didn't lose it, Ma.

You just said you did
so you could keep it.

Absolutely not. Not
in a million years.

I swear on my
life I don't have it.

Do you want me to turn you
upside down and shake you?

You're bluffing.

Okay. Have it your way.

Here! Here! I'm sorry, pussycat.

It'll never happen again.

I really can't believe this, Ma.

You of all people should
know the value of this ring.

Dorothy, please, I was
just trying to buy time.

I can't give up the ring until I know
the Pope is gonna bless Agnes.

It doesn't matter
what your reasons are.

Ma, this ring is important,
it was wrong to take it,

and I'm going to see that it
gets back first thing tomorrow.

Forget it, Blanche.
I'm not going.

Rose, what's the problem?

Oh, Blanche thinks I should
go to the hospital tomorrow.

Well, if Miles didn't tell
me about the surgery,

doesn't that mean he
doesn't want me there?

Excuse me, Rose, you're
about to make a grave mistake.

You come to me if you
want advice on men.

You go to Dorothy if there's
grammar you want help with.

You ended that sentence with
a preposition just to bait me.

What would I do that for?

Look, I know how to settle this.

Let me tell you a story
of the steamy South.

A tale of deception and tragedy.

Just a second, Uncle Remus.

Give me the ring and I'll tell the
Pope to give you a blessing, too.

Ma, Blanche is telling a story.

Oh, sorry. Go on.

I was 19. Fine.

He might have a
blessing that gets men.

Ma!

What? I thought
she was finished.

She just said she was 19.

Well, look at her now.

You don't call that a tragedy?

Ma, it is going
back and that's final.

Go ahead, Blanche.

No, the mood has been ruined.

Suffice it to say, it
involved a men's club,

a vine rope, and a large
bottle of Absorbine Jr.

Blanche, how could
you possibly think

that this would help Rose decide

what to do about Miles
being ill in the hospital?

Oh, Blanche, God bless you.

I see it all so clearly now.

I don't care what Miles does,

I'm going to be at
that hospital tomorrow.

And she still hasn't
worn your sweatshirt.

Thank you.

I called the diocese
like you told me, Dorothy.

The Pope will be here any
minute to pick up the ring.

The Pope's comin' here?

This is horrible.
What will I wear?

I don't believe I have a thing

that doesn't call
attention to my bosom.

Try not wearing makeup.

Ma, do you actually think that
the Pope makes house calls?

He will this time. I made it
crystal clear over the phone,

if I don't see a
Pope on the porch,

they can kiss
their ring goodbye.

You're forgetting one
thing, Ma. I have the ring.

That's the one hole in my plan.

Look, Ma, I know you're
disturbed about your friend,

but the Pope coming
to people's houses...

Things like that
just don't happen.

That's the difference
between you and me, pussycat.

I believe in miracles.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Excuse me.

Popes hate to be kept waiting.

Good evening. I'm
here about the ring.

You're not the Pope.

Well, not yet.
But like they say,

"You never know when the
smoke will blow your way."

You're not getting the ring.

Father, you'll have
to excuse my mother.

She has a special
feeling about the ring.

Please, take it and go.

Wait. I want His
Holiness to visit my friend.

She's in the hospital.
She's sick and she's scared.

And what is your friend's
name, Mrs. Petrillo?

No miracles, huh?

Agnes O'Rourke.

I'm sure you'll understand that the
Pontiff cannot make individual visits,

but I can assure you
a prayer will be said.

A prayer? That's it?

Thank you, Father.

Oh, Ma, I'm so sorry.

I know how disappointed you are.

But believe me, giving that ring
back was the right thing to do.

I'm off to see Miles.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

I'll go with you, Rose.

Agnes needs me now.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

If I'm not home soon, that
probably means Agnes is dead.

And if Agnes is
dead, you killed her.

And if you killed her, that
makes you a murderer.

Enjoy, Ma.

Miles?

Oh, my poor Miles.

MILES: Rose? Rose,
is that you? Over here.

Listen to my little soldier,
knocking on heaven's door

and still throwing his
voice to make me laugh.

No, Rose, Rose, over
here. T-T-This bed.

Miles?

Mile... Miles!

Sweetheart, may I ask,
what are you doing here?

I didn't want you
to see me like this.

Oh, I know.

I just wanted a chance
to say I love you.

Oh, and there'll be
no other man after.

After?

After what? I'm
here for my eyes.

Oh, thank God
you're not going to die.

Oh, and don't worry,
I can be your eyes.

Oh, sweetheart,
my eyes are fine.

It's just the bags
underneath them.

Then I can be your bags.

Rose, sweetheart, you
don't understand. I'm...

I'm here for cosmetic surgery.

Cosmetic surgery? Why?

Because I look old, Rose.

Do you have any idea what it's
like working on a college campus?

Well, I've never worked on one,

but I was the subject of
a lab experiment once.

Wait a minute, you
never told me that.

They doubled my IQ.

For three days, I
was another Einstein.

Then they pulled out the IV.

What was in that IV?

Smart juice, I guess.

Oh, honey, you don't have
to have your eyes done.

Oh, Rose, I know
it's... it's silly.

But, you know, I'm in
a youthful environment

and I... I want
to feel youthful.

Well, if it's important
to you, I'll support you.

But why didn't you
tell me about it earlier?

Well, for the same reason

that those formulas that
dye hair do it gradually.

I mean, it's the kind of thing
you want people to notice,

but not to be able to pinpoint.

I didn't know you
dyed your hair.

Rose, my hair is gray.

It's been gray since we met.

Boy, that is gradual.

Oh, darling, I'm
just glad you're okay.

I have had the
worst day-and-a-half

and it's all because
of that dumb detective.

Oh, sweetheart, let's
promise we'll never,

ever let something like
this come between us again.

I promise.

From now on, no more fighting.

Good.

By the way, how did
you know I was here?

Well, that didn't
last long, did it?

Hello. MILES: Hello, Sophia.

Oh, Sophia, how's Agnes?

About the same. Is he okay?

Oh, yes, he's having
cosmetic surgery.

It's about time.

I'll be in the john.

Reading material.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Oh, who could that...

(CHATTERING)

Oh, my, it's him! I think.

Father.

Could that be who I think it is?

Oh, indeed, ma'am.

The Pontiff is stopping by to
bless the patients of St. Ignatius

on his way to the airport.

The Pontiff? Oh, no,
no, Rose. Let him go.

No, no, Father, I
wouldn't feel right.

I'm here for crow's feet.

Well, you're right.
He doesn't do that.

Sophia, you won't believe it!

You know who's here? The
Pope is here! Sophia! The Pope!

SOPHIA: All my life
I've been waiting for this!

Oh, okay, I won't disturb you.

Pussycat! Pussycat!

I witnessed a miracle!

The Pope came to the
hospital and blessed Agnes.

He answered my
prayers! He answered me!

Oh, ye of little faith.

Oh, you must feel special,
Sophia. You must feel blessed.

And hungry.

Come on, Rose, let's
go into the kitchen

and whip up some
loaves and fishes.

Oh, he had the most
beautiful blue eyes.

Yeah. All the cute guys
are either married or popes.

Ace to the pair. No
help for the Pontiff.

Read 'em and weep. Full boat.

Okay. High spade in
the hole goes to heaven.

So, any chance of me
winning back that ring?

Nah, I don't have
to cut. I trust you.

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