The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 8 - How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia? - full transcript

Sophia decides to become a nun to honor a friend who recently passed away.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh, Rose, good God.
My heart is still poundin'.

I was just in an accident.

Honey. But don't worry.
I'm all right. I'm OK.

Oh, thank God. Any
damage to your car?

Well, that's the one bright
spot. I had borrowed yours.

My car? You didn't ask if
you could borrow my car.

Well, I guess we
both learned a lesson

about leaving keys on the table.

I can't believe this.
How did it happen?

Well, you know how I
like to meet rich men

by gently rear-ending
expensive cars at red lights?


Well, you say that
like it isn't great.

Rose, it's the perfect plan.

You get to meet the
guy, exchange addresses,

then when he asks you
who does good body work,

you give him your phone number.

And this really works?

Well, not this time.

I had this really cute
guy in a Jag lined up

when this dork in a
Duster cut in front of me...

and I nicked him instead.

Blanche, I am furious.

First you take my
car without asking.

Then, when you have it, you show complete
disregard for my personal property.

Rose, please have
a little compassion.

I was just in an accident.

Well, what do you want me
to do, carry you to your room?

Massage your neck?
Make some cocoa?

Diet cocoa. I'm going
out again tomorrow.

Blanche... Oh, hi, Dorothy.
How was the funeral?

It was a humdinger,
Blanche. We closed the place.

Where's Sophia?

She's taking this pretty hard.

I guess she needs a couple of
minutes by herself out in the car.

We're really gonna
have to be there for Ma.

Oh, Dorothy, Sophia's
like my own mother.

Until she feels better, I'm not
gonna think about anything else.

My car!

It's ruined!

It's just a little scratch.
I can live with it.

What did you do with it? Rose...

Do we have to do this
now? A nun has died.

More than a nun. Sister Agnes
was my mother's best friend.

Oh, she's out there alone now.

She hasn't said a word
since we left the cemetery.

I have no idea how
she's going to react to this.

I've made a decision.
I'm gonna become a nun.

Well, at least now you know.

Ma, what are you talking about?

God spoke to me
today at the funeral.

He told me to join the order.

God spoke to you?

You haven't been eating
chili dogs again, have you?

That was an honest mistake.

And to clarify, that's when I
thought God was whistling to me.

This was him talking. Oh, Ma.

Don't you think I know how crazy
this sounds? But it really happened.

Ma, I don't believe you.
God said you'd say that.

Ma. He said you'd say that, too.

Ma, stop this. Three for three.

Ma, this is ridiculous.

You don't want to be a
nun. Yes, I do, Dorothy.

God reminded me today
that I've always had a dream,

a very private dream,
one I never talked about.

When I was growing up, I
wanted to join the convent.

Well, until I was 17.

What happened then?

Your father put his
hand in my blouse.


So I felt soiled, filthy, dirty.

You know, in love.

But this time, I'm
gonna fulfill my destiny.

This time, I'm
gonna become a nun.

Do you believe
what we just heard?

I can't believe anybody
would want to be a nun.

I mean, "nun." The word says it.

Well, you're not
gonna believe this.

I've just been talking on
the phone for a half-hour,

and guess what.

You forgot to dial first?


You held the receiver
upside down? Unh-unh.

It wasn't even the phone, it
was the TV remote control.

No. A shoe?

Blanche, please.
I'm not an idiot.

The TV has a remote control?

Anyway, this could be
kind of important. What?

Do you remember Mr. Nivingston,
the guy whose rear end you smacked?

Well, my insurance
company just called,

and the guy is claiming
he hurt his back.

He's threatening a lawsuit
unless we settle out of court.

Oh, that's terrible. I know.

And I'm the one he's suing,
'cause it's my car. Oh! Ha-ha! Oh.

Boy, you had me
goin' there for a second.

I thought you meant
he was suing me. Whew.


Blanche, Rose may be taken to
court for something that you did.

Don't you even care?

There's nothing to worry about.

He's just tryin' to hold up
his insurance company.

There's nothin' wrong with that
man's back. How can you tell?

Because I know the
crooked walk of man

when his back has been injured.

I cannot tell you how many men

I have seen limp
out of my bedroom.

Shoulders stooped
and their backs curved.

Blanche, that's
different. That's shame.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Sister Claire, how
nice to see you again.

Come in.

Dorothy, this is Sister Claire.

She interviewed me last week about
joining her order. Please, sit down.

Ma, you actually
went to a convent?

Why didn't I know that?
Because you're divorced.

Technically, in the eyes of
the church, you don't even exist.

I spit on you.

Unless, of course, the sister
would like to spit on you first.

I'm her daughter Dorothy.
You'll have to excuse my mother.

She suffered a slight
stroke a few years ago

which rendered
her totally annoying.

And, uh, what brings you here?

The follow-up interview.

We have very strict guidelines
when selecting postulants,

so we're going to put Sophia

through a battery of
psychological tests.

It helps weed out the
crazies and undesirables.

Sorry, Ma.

Can you imagine? Rose is tryin'
to blame the whole thing on me.

That woman has one
hell of a lot of nerve.


I'm a Baptist.

Excuse me.

Sister, is it all
right if I sit in?

I don't think my
mother would mind.

Think again.

I'd go outside, but there don't seem
to be any shady pines to sit under.

Pillow, Pussycat?

We'll start with the ink blots.

Uh, "Who was a 1950s
black singing group?"

Am I right? Am I
in? Am I a nun yet?

She watches a lot of Jeopardy!

No, no.

You look at each one
and tell me what you see.

It's a standard test
used by psychologists,

but we find it useful
in our line of work, too.

Now... what do you see?

I see an angel.

Very good. How 'bout this one?

Uh, I see a dove perched
upon the throne of God.

Excellent. And this?

I see the Blessed
Mother smiling sweetly

as she pours love upon
the hearts of the righteous

standing at the gates of
heaven, while St. Peter...


Come on, you're
making that up. I am not.

Look, anyone can clearly see
that is a picture of John Forsythe

lying naked in a
pool of honey...

Isn't it?

Do you think I would lie
to get into the convent?

It does look a little like
John Forsythe, doesn't it?

Look, sister, I'm sorry you made this trip
for nothing, but this has gone far enough.

Ma, I cannot believe that you
actually want to go through with this.

Who cares what you believe?
I had a beautiful experience.

God has called me,
and I intend to answer.

You're really serious
about this, aren't you?

Yes, Dorothy. This
means a lot to me.

Do you think I could
leave you that easily?

A minute ago you
were gonna spit on me.

Do you have this much
trouble with your kids?

What's wrong, Rose?

It's my insurance company.

They've cut me off because of
the lawsuit. What am I gonna do?

Well, you need a good lawyer.

Give me the keys to your rental,

and I'll go out and see
if I can nail one for you.

Blanche, that's how you
got me in trouble before.

Isn't there anything
else you can do?

Well, I suppose we could prove
Mr. Nivingston was faking his injury

if we could trick
him into performing

certain physical acts
of a sexual nature.

All we'd need is a
devastatingly beautiful woman

with a flair for seduction.

How about Mrs.
Hufstad down the street?

I mean, she's
something of a dog,

but she'll do it with anybody.

I was talkin' about me.

Oh, yeah. You will, too.

Rose, I won't go all the way.

I'll just get him in the bedroom

and, uh, put him through
the normal warm-ups.

And we'll have a certain
Scandinavian nitwit

hidin' in the closet
with a camera.

Wouldn't it be better
if I hid in the closet?

Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.

But do you really think you can
get him to remove the neck brace?

Oh, please. I once got a man
to crawl out of a full body cast.

Well, I'm almost ready to go.

Today? You're not goin'
today? Why didn't you tell us?

Every time I bring it up, one
of you tries to talk me out of it.

We were just being selfish.
We didn't wanna lose you.

(horn honks) There's my ride.

Oh, Sophia.

Yep. It's a Granada
full of nuns.

Sophia, you have no idea

how much we're gonna miss you.

It's like losing a
member of the family.

Rose is right. You're
just like a mother to us.

We feel like your daughters,
too. I feel the same way.

Rose, just remember, you're
smarter than people say you are.

You've got common sense
and you know what you're doing.

Oh, Sophia.

Blanche, you're a slut.

Oh, Sophia.

(horn honks)

Well, I better go. Nuns
don't keep well in a hot car.

We'll go out and tell 'em you're
on your way. Come on, Rose.

Well, I guess this is it.

I'm just so sorry that
it took me so long

to realize how much
this meant to you.

It's just very hard
for me to let go.

Me too. But someone
else needs me more.

It's time for me to move
on. My job here is done.

I always love it when you
talk like the Lone Ranger.

Ma, I want you to know
that I support your decision.

I think you'll make a great nun.

Thanks. I needed to hear that.

I love you, Ma. I
love you, too, Tonto.

Careful, Arthur.
Watch your step.

Blanche, if I only could.

Oh, forgive me, sugar.

Well, here, I'll watch it
for you, you poor thing.

Thank you, Blanche. I can't
believe how nice you're being to me

even though I'm
suing your friend.

Well, I've always been attracted

to ever-so-slightly younger men.

Besides, just look at you. Ooh!

Must be so frustratin'
for an athlete like you.

Did you ever play
any college ball?

No. As a boy, I got as far
as the Pee-Wee leagues,

but then I discovered stamps.


You know, when I first saw you,

I said to myself, "Philatelist."

I like that.

Ooh, you're gettin' so tense.

Hey, why don't we go in my bedroom,
see if we can't loosen you up a little?

Oh, I'm not sure. See, my
lawyer - I mean, my doctor -

Sorry. I get 'em mixed up.
They're both in the same mall.

You just forget
about that old doctor.

I know a little bit about
physical therapy myself.

I'm sure you do, but, you see
- If it'll make you feel better,

I have a complete nurse's
outfit hangin' up in my closet.

I gotta tell you, that
does make me feel better.

What else have you got in there?

Ooh, ho-ho-ho-ho.

Wait! What am I doing?
I can't play nursey.

I-I'm supposed to have whiplash.

If we can't be together soon, I'm
gonna have to go with somebody else.

I haven't been with a man since
my husband died nine years ago,

and I'm just about
ready to explode.

I'll see you tomorrow,
Blanche. Yeah.

Boy, this is really
beginning to chafe. Ar...

Were you able to
get him to bed? No.

Rose still in the closet
with the camera? Yes.

Maybe you'll get
him tomorrow. Yeah.

Oh, hi, Rose. Out
of the closet, I see.

Yeah, I'm back.

Look, I got a card from Ma.

Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud.

"Dear Pussycat, I
have everything I need,

but it's hard to get
a decent bikini wax."

Oh! Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

"Dorothy, I remember you fondly,

and the same goes
for Blanche and Rita."

"Wish you were here.

"No one can reach the
third shelf in the pantry.

Best, Sister Ma."


God, I miss that woman.

Say what you want about her,

we all loved having her around.

I miss someone to have
a chat with at midnight.

You know what I'm gonna
miss most about Sophia?

The way she used to tease me.

The way she would
ever-so-subtly jab me

with names like
"tramp"... "Floozy."

"Trollop," "harlot."

"Magic carpet ride."

"The human luge."

But she was never cuter than when
she simply called you "shore leave."

Oh, God, I miss that woman.

OK, is everybody in?
I got a pair of jacks.

Ooh. Wait, Sophia.

I have the two,
seven, jack, ten and -

that's right - a four.

That doesn't beat
a pair of jacks.

Well, it did when you had it.

I told you. That's
called a "Whizzer."

It's only good once a night.

Uh, I'll be putting this in
the collection box later.

Sophia? Clear out. It's the man.

Hello, Reverend Mother.

My, you look
holier-than-thou today.

Save it, Sister Suck Up.

How do you explain this note
I found in the suggestion box?

You said we needed
money for the chapel.

I thought that would
be a good fund-raiser.

A beefcake calendar of
"Monks of the Midwest"?

Oh, come on. Open up your mind.

Sophia, I'm going
to go pray now.

I won't tell you what
I'm going to pray for

because it would
hurt your feelings.

But when I'm done, I expect
a complete change of attitude.


Ooh, I'm so scared.

What is she gonna do, take
away my self-denial privileges?


Pussycat, what
are you doin' here?

Oh, I just missed you and wanted
to say hi and see how you're doin'.

I'm doin' fine.

Ten days celibate.

Same here.

Ma, I have a little
surprise for you.


Oh... Look who it is.

It's Blanche and Rose.
Where's the surprise?

Honey, we're your surprise.
We came to see you.

Nice to see you.
What a lovely surprise.

Welcome to our little convent.

Not even a Bundt cake, huh?

Look at you. A nun.

I didn't think I'd be
shocked like this.

It's just that you
look so different

than when Blanche
is dressed as a nun.

So, uh, what's new at home?

Oh, I did get a chance to
go into your bedroom, Sophia,

and there's just no way I'll be
able to refund your cleaning deposit.

Totally understandable.

I'll see you in court, my child.


Mother Superior, this is my daughter
Dorothy and my ex-roommates.


Sophia, why don't you run along?

I need to talk to
your daughter alone.

Sure. Whatever she
says, I have an alibi.

So, Dorothy, I'll bet you
love your mother a lot.

Well, that depends.
What has she done?

It's not necessarily
anything specific.

It's my feeling that life
here is too structured for her.

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

She is a stubborn, old,
vindictive pack mule of a woman

who won't follow the rules.

OK, I'm back with you.

Dorothy, I think her
intentions are good,

but this doesn't
seem to be her calling.

Oh, but this means
so much to her.

Oh, this would break her heart.

I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to ask her to leave.

Oh, Mother Superior, with your
permission, may I be the one to tell her?

We've been through
so much together,

I'm sure that any
bit of bad news

would be easier to
take if it came from me.

Well, then, here's
another one for you.

We've seen her room.

Tell her she won't be getting
her cleaning deposit back.

God, I'm so confused. I
don't know where I belong.

I'm trying to wrestle with the deep
religious questions of the ages.

Like, what do you
really want from me?

What is my real purpose in life?

What was Edward G. Robinson
doing in The Ten Commandments?

(knock on door)

Come in.

Ma, where are Blanche and Rose?

Oh, they wanted to
browse in the gift shop.

They're having a sale on
John the Baptist placemats.

Ma, do you remember that summer

you told me I didn't
get into Girl Scout camp,

and you said we were gonna have
more fun than any two people ever had?

They want me out? Yesterday.

Dorothy, I don't get it. I know
God wants my life to be meaningful.

That's not gonna
happen unless I'm here.

Ma, your life is meaningful.

You do nothing but
help other people.

You do Meals On
Wheels, Red Cross,

volunteer hospital work.

The point is, you don't
have to be in a convent

to make your life meaningful.

I mean, Sister Agnes
belonged here, but you don't.

So who's gonna take
Sister Agnes' place?

Nobody can take her place.

Just like nobody
can take your place.

I miss her. I know.

Let's go home.

All right. But I'll be
missing movie night.

But so what?

After the tenth time, it isn't
the greatest story ever told.

Here you go, Ma.

Guess it's gonna take you
a little while to get adjusted

to being home from
the convent, hmm?

To tell you the truth, Dorothy,
it isn't that much different.

Whoa! Give me that film.

Rose, go! Run!

Good to have you home, Ma.

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