The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 7 - Zborn Again - full transcript

Dorothy resists Stan's attempts at reconciliation after he finally hits it big; Rose asks Sophia for help with dealing with an annoying co-worker.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh, Ma, did you
eat all this candy?

I was lookin' for the prize.



Prizes are in Cracker Jacks.

Boy, you forget something
new every day, don't you?

Card says these are for
me. They're from Stanley.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue.

I hope you enjoy this
candy. It cost me 42."

You know - and
I'm guessing here -

I'll bet you that Stan
wrote this himself.

But it's sweet.

Yeah, real sweet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ever since he made a fortune
on that baked potato opener,

he's been comin' on to you like
gangbusters, and I don't like it.

Not that I've ever actually
seen gangbusters...

But I did see Ghostbusters.
I didn't like that, either.



I mean, they couldn't give
the black guy one funny line?

And how about that sequel?

Dorothy, what the hell
were we just talkin' about?

Look, Ma, Stan and I
have a long history together,

and it's nice that
we're finally able

to talk to each
other as friends.

Friends are one thing,
but he's your ex-husband,

and you're givin'
him the wrong idea.

That's bad news. I don't want
to hear any more about this.

You and I can argue
till the cows come home.

We're home.

Oh, what a day.

I wasn't able to get any work done
today because of that new girl Abby.

I mean, she's constantly
talking to me all day long.

And she never listens to me.

Do you know what it's
like to be totally ignored?

So how was your day, Rose?

The truth is, she's a sweet
girl looking for a friend.

And we do have a common bond.

She used to be a newscaster.
Now she's just an assistant like me.

So there's this
cognitive dissonance

between her actual
and her ideal self

which causes her to be
practically dysfunctional.

But of course, I'm
no psychologist.

No, you're a nitwit.

How come you know those words?

Blanche, come on, it's
not nice calling her a nitwit.

But since the cat's
out of the bag...

How do you know those words?

I guess it's from reading The American
Journal of Abnormal Psychology.

It's published in
St. Olaf, you know.

In fact, my Uncle Gunther
used to be the editor.

And what were
you, the centerfold?

I'm sorry, but I
refuse to believe

you have ever read
a scientific journal.

Believe what you
want. See if I care.

Hypersexual bitch.

Oh, there you are, Rose. Good.

Honey, I'm borrowing your earrings
to go with this new outfit of mine.

Tell me I look stunning.

You look stunning.
You're not just saying that.

No, I'm just repeating it.

Blanche, I need to talk to you.

Oh, OK. It's about
a friend of mine.

I think she's taking
advantage of me,

and I don't know
how to tell her.

It's as if she doesn't
care about my needs

just 'cause she's a
lot younger than I am.

Fine. Keep your damned earrings.

Oh, no. No, Blanche,
not you. Abby.

Oh, right.

I was thrown by the "she's
a lot younger than you" part.

So what should I do?
Say something to her.

Tell her you have to get something
off your chest and put your foot down.

That girl thinks
only of herself.

You're right.

Put my foot down.

Get it off my chest.

Hi, Rose. Where you goin'?

Dorothy, I'm going to
get something off my foot.

Good for you, Rose.
Careful of the carpet.

Blanche, I need to
talk to you privately.

OK.

There's this person, someone
I've known for quite a while,

and lately there seems to
be this attraction developing,

an attraction I've
been trying to deny.

Blanche, what are you doing?

It's a curse.

My beauty's always been a curse.

I'm sorry, Dorothy,

but like the fatal blossom
of the graceful jimson weed,

I entice with my fragrance

but can provide no succor.

I'm talking about
Stanley, you idiot.

Get outta here. Stan
has the hots for me?

For me, not you,
fatal blossom. For me.

We went for a walk this morning
on the beach, and he told me.

Dorothy, this came for you.

Ah? Ah, it's from Stan.

It's steaks.

He sent me steaks.

He still has the wrong
idea about you two?

Ma, it's nothing.

Dorothy, the man sent you meat.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, I really do want Stan
as a friend, but just as a friend.

What was that lip lock you
had on him the other night?

What's this?

Oh, it's nothing. I
gave him a little kiss.

Trust me, that
was no little kiss.

That was more like
a dental checkup.

Your whole head was
practically in his mouth.

All right, Ma. All right.

"A little kiss," she says.
The man almost digested her.

It was like watching
a Nova special.

Oh, all right.

When Stan comes over
tonight, I'll talk to him.

I'll apologize to him
for leading him on.

I only hope I don't
hurt his feelings.

Well, there are worse things in
this world than hurt feelings, Dorothy.

That's true, Pussycat.

As we say back in Sicily,

sticks and stones
can break your bones,

but cement pays
homage to tradition.

All right, Dorothy, I think
it would be a good idea

if we rehearsed how you're
gonna break up with Stan tonight.

OK, I'll be Stan.

I didn't know you
were dating Stan.

I am not, and I don't
need to rehearse.

Oh, I think it's a good idea,
Dorothy. If you like, I'll be Stan.

Beat it. I already got dibs
on Stan. You be Dorothy.

Don't be stupid. Besides,
Rose ought to be Dorothy.

No, thanks.

But I'll play Stan.

Well, I'm not playing Dorothy,

although playing a sap on
stilts would be a cakewalk.

No offense, Pussycat. None
taken, you cankerous little prune.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, it's me - Stan. Am I late?

Not if you're willing
to play Dorothy.

Come on in, Stan. You're fine.

Babe, you will never guess
what I went out and bought today.

It's got whitewall tires,
original upholstery,

and it's the same one
we took to our senior prom.

Stan, that's impossible.

No, Dorothy, don't give
up. We'll get this. Uh...

It's in the driveway right now.

1948, bullet-nosed and it says
"Studebaker" right across the back

just like my old one.

OK, OK, no more hints.

Rose, head down.
It's quiet time.

Stanley, what possessed you?

I love that car. All the memories
we had in that car, huh?

The cruising, the
drive-ins, the road trips.

And don't forget the
accident you had in that car.

What accident?
I'll give you a hint.

It cost me 10 bucks
every Christmas

and still calls me "Grandma."

Well, let's see. Is it
something that floats?

Come on, babe.
Let's go for a spin.

Stan, there's something I
have to talk to you about first.

We can talk in the car. Come on.

I'll get my purse.
I'll meet you outside.

Dorothy, I'm not crazy about
you going out with him this way.

Ma, I told you, we're
just going to talk.

I'm going to explain to him
that I am not attracted to him,

this is just a friendship and I'm
sorry if he thinks it's more than that.

I wish I could believe
you. Just be careful.

And remember what they
taught you at parochial school.

Keep both your
feet on the ground,

no patent leather shoes

and macaroni and
cheese every Wednesday.

Thank you, Ma.

She's lost it.

My God, what are
you kids doin' in there?

It's all right, Officer.
We're divorced.

Are you still on the
phone with Abby?

Blanche, I can't get
Abby off the phone.

Tell her a St. Olaf story.

What'll that do? Give it a shot.

You know, Abby, something like
that happened to me in St. Olaf.

Sure, I understand.

Yeah, this is a good time to replace
the batteries in your smoke alarm.

That's odd. She
hung up. (laughs)

Oh, Sophia, you're up.

Were we makin' too much noise?

No, I'm awake because
I was feeling frisky.

What say we get
out the Ouija board

and scare up our husbands?

Rose is still having trouble
with that friend at work.

I can't just tell her
to leave me alone.

Maybe someone else can,

someone who's more
candid about their feelings.

Well, like who, Sophia?

Give it some
thought, slut puppy.

You know, Sophia, actually,
you're pretty straightforward.

It's a gift. So tomorrow at
9:00 I'll go to work with you.

We'll take care of it.
Oh, thank you, Sophia.

You're welcome,
Pussycat. I'm not Dorothy.

From now on I'm calling
everybody Pussycat.

It's cheaper than
buying new glasses.

Psst. She gone?

Are you just
gettin' in? Shh. Yes.

Have you been with
Stan all this time?

The car ran out of gas. Ohh.

I've used that a thousand times.

Dorothy Zbornak, did you
do what I think you did tonight?

I don't know what
on earth you're - yes.

I can't believe this.

How could you sleep with
that man? She slept with him?

What did you think she did?

Well, she looks like
she was pushing his car.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

He's just been so sweet lately,

and we were at the beach

in the same old car that
we used to make out in,

and it just got to me.

It was exciting.

Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd
have sex in public more often,

this kind of thing
wouldn't happen.

Look, I'm mad enough
at myself as it is.

I mean, Stanley Zbornak
made me weak in the knees.

What, you think
I'm proud of that?

Who made the first
move? I guess I did.

It was dark, and
Stan stopped the car.

I swear to you, I thought I
was setting the parking brake.

Well, that's good. Safety first.

To make matters worse,
the sex was incredible.

It felt real and familiar.

It made me feel like I've
been kissing strangers

for the past seven years

and then suddenly
tonight I was with a familiar

and I must say
surprisingly agile old friend.

So what are you gonna do now?

Oh, you do have
a problem, Dorothy.

How do you break off a
relationship when the sex is great?

When the sex
is lousy, it's easy.

Two more dates, and it's over.

Well, you know,
just to make sure.

I remember the best
sex of my whole life.

Was it difficult to get out of
the relationship afterwards?

No, not really.

Poor Charlie died
in the middle of it.

Was that really the best
sex you ever had with him?

Yeah. There was something
wild about him that night.

Although I did
think it was strange

when he started yelling,
"Rose, I'm going! I'm going!"

(sighs) Talk about
your mixed emotions.

What was the best sex
you ever had, Blanche?

Way to go, Rose.

Look, Blanche, it's late,
there's only one cheesecake left,

so let's make menopause
the cutoff point.

Best sex.

Oh, it's just so hard
to rate these things.

There's degree of
difficulty, style points,

choice of music...

Did they land on their
feet during the dismount?

Different people have
different strengths.

It's just impossible to tell,

but anything over
a nine is excellent.

Over a nine?!

Points, Rose. Points.

Oh, Sophia, did
we wake you again?

No, I'm up because
I'm feeling frisky.

What say we get
out the Ouija board -

Oh, Sophia, you
already said that.

It's the middle of the night.

You want something
fresh, turn on Letterman.

We were telling Best
Sex Ever stories, Sophia.

Yeah, but now we're
tired of telling them,

so why don't we go
to bed, huh? No, wait.

It's a good thing I'm up,

because it so happens
that I have a story for you,

the sex story to
end all sex stories.

Sicily, 1922.

I stop by a little trattoria.

No, wait.

I'm thinkin' of the
best meal I ever had.

(telephone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, yes. Yeah, hello.

Um, no, I'm sorry, I can't
discuss that right now.

Yes, I enjoyed it a
great deal myself.

Really? (laughs)

Yes. OK, the earth did move.

Big quake in California.

Yeah, we'll speak soon.

I look forward to
that myself. Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Well, good night.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why were we just telling
our Best Sex Ever stories?

Gee, I don't - I don't
know how it started.

Well, sure you do.

Remember? You thought you
were grabbing Stan's parking brake.

Thanks, Rose.

Well, good night.

That was Stan on
the phone, wasn't it?

Something happened tonight.
All right, Ma, yes, I admit it.

I slept with Stan, and I
should be ashamed of myself.

Are you this
desperate, this pathetic?

Have you lost all your pride?

No, but keep it up.
We're getting there.

This is unforgivable.

Look, Ma, I admit I made
a mistake with Stan tonight,

but I will deal with it.

I mean, this isn't
gonna ruin my life.

It was wrong, I know
that, but now it's over.

It better be. I won't allow it, not
while you're living in my house.

Sophia, this is my house.

It is?

Oh, right.

Then let me give you
two words of advice -

enough wicker.

Sophia, I really appreciate
you coming down here today,

but maybe I better give it
just one more try with Abby.

Rose, you're wasting your time.

No, just let me try.

Then if you sense that
I'm starting to pull back...

Here - just squeeze
my arm. Gotcha.

Hi, Abby. Oh, good. You're
here. I've gotta talk to you.

Me too, and I really
want you to listen - What?

I'm sorry. I just can't get
over how flabby this is.

Anyway, you know
the station manager.

Well, he called me today, and
there is this rumor that you're not -

Excuse me, Abby.

I'd like to inject
some candor here.

I'd also like to inject a
tranquilizer dart into your backside.

But my dart gun was confiscated

after the incident with
the trick-or-treaters.

In my defense, it was dark,

and I was unaware of
this Ninja Turtle craze.

But I digress.

So to be brief, Abby, shut up.

Get a life. Stop calling Rose.

She doesn't wanna talk
to you, so leave her alone.

Thank you.

Is that what you wanted
to say to me, Rose?

Well, I'm sorry,
but I suppose so.

Excuse me. Can I get
your attention, please?

I'd like to clear the air.

Don't look at me.

I haven't had a raw
vegetable in six months.

That's Mr. Percy,
our station manager.

Well, the secret's out.

Our consumer reporter
Enrique Mas has announced

that he's leaving the show
and moving on to the network.

But we feel we've found
the perfect replacement.

She's dramatic,
she's experienced.

Please welcome our new
consumer reporter Abby Wolf.

If Abby is the new consumer
reporter, doesn't that mean...?

She's also my new boss.

Boy, have you got
some serious butt to kiss.

(laughs)

What's so funny?

Oh, Marmaduke. Look
at how he drives that car.

I love my comics.

Every day, "Marmaduke"
and "Apartment 3G."

I haven't read "Apartment
3G" since 1961.

Oh, well, let me catch you up.

It is later the same day.

(rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi, Abby.

I guess I owe you
a little apology.

You do?

Well, yeah. I'll be right over.

Abby wants me to come over and
help her get over her first-day jitters.

I know what you're thinking.
She's too dependent on me.

But I've decided it's better
to be flattered than angry.

And it's nice that she needs me.

Besides, I have other friends
who pay attention to me.

Special friends.
Friends like you.

Where's she goin'?

I don't think she said.

Where's who going?

Well, I guess I'll
go read in bed.

Oh, no date with the
missing link tonight?

Ma, I told you, I am not
seeing Stan anymore.

I remember the tears that
man caused me, the hatred I felt,

and I don't need
that grief again.

Good, because I worry about you.

You're still my little girl, you
know, no matter how big you get.

Aw, thanks, Ma.

By the way, how big
are you gonna get?

Good night, Ma.

Finally. Where have you been?

Shh. I got away
as soon as I could.

You do have the
Studebaker, don't you?

Almost out of gas
and ready to go.

If my mother found out
about this, she would kill me.

I'm getting the feeling
you're ashamed of me.

Stanley, don't be
silly. Get down.

Stan, can't you even
wait till we get to the car?

(helicopter whirring)

(man) My God! What are
you kids doin' down there?!

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