The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 26 - Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser - full transcript

When the entire cast catches the Measles, the girls must take their places in the class play.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh my gosh. It's only
one week till spring break?

And I have so much to do.



I have to get new T-shirts
for the wet T-shirt contest...

You know, I'm actually looking
forward to spring break this year.

College kids.

America's best and
brightest are coming to town.

It'll be nice to get
mooned again.

It's more than that, Ma.

I'm talking about
my school's project

to get kids to read
during spring vacation.

We're putting on
a series of plays

based on favorite
children's stories.

And guess what.

I have just been made producer
of the first-grade production.

This is all you have, Dorothy,
so I'm going to be happy for you.

No, you know, I'm
really excited about this.



We're doing Henny Penny.

You know, "Help,
help! The sky is falling."

Oh, that was never one of my
favorites. There's no prince in it.

I like a fairy tale
with a nice prince in it.

A handsome prince with a big
ol' codpiece and deep dark eyes

and powerful thighs

and muscles rippling
beneath his tunic.

Blanche, you could get
aroused by "Humpty Dumpty."

Are you kiddin'? "All the king's
horses and all the king's men."

Handsome men with deep dark eyes

and powerful thighs

and muscles and
big ol' codpieces.

Blanche, how do you
make it through an omelet?

78. Yes.

64. Yes!

81. Yes! Ma, what are you doing?

Reading the obituaries
and checking out the people

who died younger than I am now.

83. Close one.

68. Whoa!

What is it? You.

What about me? You're dead.

Say what? I told
you. You're dead.

You must be. It
says so in the paper.

"Blanche Devereaux.
Age 68." (gasps) 68?

Oh, that's terrible.

They're almost as far off
on your age as you are.

I wonder how this
could've happened.

I know how it happened, 'cause
I know who took that picture.

Chugger Dietz,
the obituary editor.

I never dreamed when I
dropped him he'd be so vindictive.

68. Can you believe that? 68?

And dead. Don't forget dead.

I'm going down to that
newspaper this minute.

Not only am I gonna
get Chugger fired,

if I hurry I can get 'em to print a
retraction in this afternoon's edition.

68. And dead.

What are people gonna think?

They'll think it's time
to elect a new town slut.

Mail call. Ah, Ma.

Here's a letter for
you from Palermo.

Oh, it's the latest chess move

from my old rival
Serafina Gambrotsi.

Ma, how long has this chess
game by mail been going on?

What, it must be
ten years now, huh?

And it's going to keep on going
until I beat Serafina at something.

What are you talking
about? Picture it. Sicily, 1920.

Serafina and I were both
crazy about Marco the Goat Boy.

In appearance, an Adonis.
In behavior, horny as a toad.

Little did I know he had
a thing for hairy fat girls.

If I were fatter and
hairier, Dorothy,

Marco the Goat Boy
could've been your father.

I think we all grieve.

Ma, that was 70 years ago.
I was sure you'd forgotten.

I forget nothing. So, any mail?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Frank. Come on in.

Ma, Frank Nann.
Frank, my mother.

Hello, Frank.

Ma, Frank is directing the
production of Henny Penny.

Not anymore I'm not.

One of the kids in the play
came down with the measles.

Because the audience is
going to be children, too,

the entire cast has
been quarantined.

Oh, what are we gonna do?
I guess we'll have to cancel.

Oh, no, we can't cancel.

First grade is when kids
take an interest in reading.

Why can't we
recast it with adults?

Where are we
going to find an adult

with the childlike naiveté
to play Henny Penny?

Hi.

Oh, you're not gonna believe it.

I just saw a cloud that looked
exactly like a cotton ball.

My God, she is Henny Penny.

I beg your pardon?

Frank Nann, Rose Nylund.

Rose, my entire cast
has been quarantined.

We're in a real bind.

How would you like
to play Henny Penny?

Well, I have enjoyed
playing a hen in the past.

Oh, fill us in.

Parade, honeymoon or
religious ceremony? Theater.

The St. Olaf Masquers'
production of Hamlet.

I don't right off recall
a hen in Hamlet.

Oh, we set the
play in a barnyard.

Luckily the symphony
was out of town at the time.

Can I take it then that
you will play Henny Penny?

I'm your chicken.

Great, I'll set
the oven for 425.

Well, Frank Nann.

I haven't seen you since
that weekend in Pensacola.

Goosey Loosey.

That's right.

We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.

No, no, I mean you'd be perfect
for the part of Goosey Loosey.

We've had to recast Henny Penny.

I'm playing Henny.

Oh, and Frank's directing?

Oh, what fun! I would love to.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Then all we have to do is just order
the costumes and change a few lines

so that it makes sense that the two
of you are playing those characters.

Now, listen, Dorothy, since both of your
housemates are going to be in the play,

why don't you play
Turkey Lurkey?

Oh come on. No, no, no.

No, that's out of the question.

Why? You'd be perfect.

"Turkey Lurkey" was your
nickname in high school.

Ma, it was not.

Really? That's what they
called you at the PTA.

Come on, Dorothy. It'll be fun.

Yeah, come on. Be a trouper.

Well, I did once do a production
of Showboat in high school,

and everyone said
I was pretty good.

No one can sing "Old
Man River" like my Dorothy.

Then you're saying you'll do it?

Well, it is my production,

and as they say, "The
show must go on."

Aw, Pussycat. It'll
be like the old days.

Come on, just one more time.

♪ Get a little drunk

♪ And you land in jail ♪

I still got it.

Yes! I've got that tub
of guts where I want her.

My queen's knight
attacks her king.

Banzai!

Ma, how did two
Sicilian peasant girls

ever become interested in chess?

Chess is like war, only cheaper.

It's the perfect
game for Sicily,

a country very warlike
and dead-ass broke.

Well, they printed
the retraction.

Let me see it.

I can't find it. Of
course you can't.

It's way down at the
bottom in itty-bitty type.

"Our ad in yesterday's
paper should have read

'Sit Well Cortisone Salve
Prevents Hemorrhoids, '

not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.'"

Below that.

Oh, nobody's ever
gonna even see it.

Everybody's gonna
still think I'm 68.

And dead. Why does
she keep forgetting dead?

This is horrible.

As Big Daddy used to say,

"I'm feeling lower than the
rent on a burnin' building."

That's funny. I used to
live in a burning building.

And it was cheap.

It was Charlie's
and my first house.

Well, scoff if you must,
but it was warm and toasty.

I'll never forget Charlie
throwing me over his shoulder

and dashing
across the threshold.

Oh, it was a beautiful place.

Three bedrooms, two baths.

Then two bedrooms and one bath.

Eventually, we
outgrew the place.

Rose, come on now. You haven't
said a word since we left rehearsal.

Nobody told me Henny
Penny ended that way.

Nobody told me it was a tragedy.

Rose, you've been
rehearsing for three days.

Why are you makin' a scene now?

Well, that was the first time
we rehearsed the ending.

I didn't know that Turkey
and Henny and Goosey

were all eaten by Foxy Loxy.

Oh, the humanity.

Rose, you mean you didn't even
look at the end of the play until today?

If there's one thing I remember
about my wedding night,

it's Charlie telling me
it's impolite to peek.

Rose, the play isn't
real. It's a fairy tale.

Not all stories end happily,

and children have to learn that.

You call yourself a teacher?

It's people like you
who are responsible

for all the evil on this planet.

I guess I had that coming.

I'm not gonna stand by and
see innocent children exposed

to that horror story of
unprovoked violence

and ghastly death.

Rose, the play
goes on in two days.

Well, I can't do this.

You're just gonna have to get
yourself another Henny Penny.

Rose, honey,

there's no reason to be
upset about Henny Penny.

Fairy tales just show kids
how complicated life can be,

and it does it on their terms.

I remember when I first read
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,

it had a profound
influence on me.

Seven lonely men...

livin' in the woods,
needin' a woman.

All of 'em with Napoleon
complexes, somethin' to prove.

And jobs, Blanche.
They all had jobs.

In a diamond mine.

All I'm trying to say is we
had fairy tales in St. Olaf

that weren't violent,

and they had
positive role models.

Like Gus and the Recliner...

Gunilla Gets a Catalog,

and Ilsa, the Girl Who
Could Make Bad Food Good.

Look, Rose, if you don't do
the part, there won't be any play.

Now, this is a project
that I care about deeply,

but I don't want you
doing it for my sake, Rose.

Do it for the kids.

It's a chance to
get them reading.

All right, all
right, I'll do it.

And not just for the kids.

I just feel it's time I gave something
back to the chicken community.

After all, a chicken
once saved my life.

They are the stupidest birds.

Any mail for me? Mm, no.

No condolence cards?

Well, where's the
outpouring of grief

from all the many, many men

whose lives I have
left barren and empty?

Maybe they just don't
know you by your real name.

Well, here it is! Serafina's
next chess move.

Perfect. I already
know my next move.

And when Serafina sees it, her
hair will fall out, her heart will stop,

her eyes will burn like a
thousand red-hot suns.

(cackles)

Ma, why do you keep playing
this game if you hate her so much?

To relax. (doorbell rings)

Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.

No, that's "Devereaux."

It's only pronounced
"Deverucks" in limericks.

Well, Blanche, here you are.
You say nobody cares about you?

What do you say now?

Oh! From Mel
Bushman. Good ol' Mel.

The only person I
can always count on.

"Dear Blanche, when
I heard of your death,

"it made me realize you don't
know what you have till you've lost it.

So I'm back with my
ex-wife. Love, Mel."

Now that is the
most insensitive thing

I have ever heard.

"P.S. Sorry I missed
your birthday. Happy 68th."

It doesn't say that.

I know. I made that part up.

Ma, why are you always
trying to aggravate everyone?

To relax.

(♪ piano)

(children cheering)

"Once upon a time

"on a beautiful spring day,

"Henny Penny was waking
up from a nap under an oak tree

"when an acorn
fell from the tree

and hit her on the head."

Funny, when I was a little girl
in Sicily and they told this story,

it was a safe that
fell on her head.

"Anyway, Henny
Penny being a chicken,

"not the brightest
bird in the world,

immediately jumped to
the wrong conclusion."

Oh, dear.

♪ A piece of blue
sky just fell on my head

♪ The wherefore and
why is best left unsaid

♪ But I have a
hunch and it's appalling

♪ That like it or not,
the sky is falling ♪

"Henny decided to take action."

I should go and warn the king!

"And off she went.

"On her way, Henny came
upon Goosey Loosey..."

"one of the most popular
birds in the barnyard."

The most popular.

And the eighth graders
are seeing a play today

about how to be
that popular safely.

Well, Henny Penny,
I do declare, honey,

where are you rushing off to?

The sky is falling. I'm
off to warn the king.

Are you sure? Of
course I'm sure.

I don't need something to hit me in
the head in order to get the message.

Actually, in this case,
it did hit me in the head.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of up there
just landed down here

♪ You better beware,
the message is clear

♪ Though millions may
find the prospect galling

♪ It's run for your
life, the sky is falling ♪

This is terrible. I think we
best both go warn the king.

"And off they went.

"On their way, Henny Penny

"and Goosey Loosey

came upon Turkey Lurkey."

Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey.

Poor dateless,
hopeless, self-basting -

Ma!

And where are you two
featherheads fluttering off to?

Terrible news. The
sky is falling! What?!

A piece of it hit me in
the head. Are you sure?

Doesn't she act as if
something hit her in the head?

We're off to warn the king.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of blue sky
just did what they said

♪ Don't stand there and sigh

♪ Get under the bed

♪ Don't stop to complain,
it's no good grumbling

♪ 'Cause this isn't rain,
the sky is crumbling ♪

Oh, this is terrible news.

I think we best all
go warn the king.

"And off they went."

"On their way, Henny Penny,
Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey

came upon Foxy Loxy."

Ladies, ladies, why
are you in such a hurry?

Stop and smell the flowers.

We can't. The sky is falling.

Run that by me once again?

Ohh.

♪ A piece of blue sky

♪ Just fell on her head
♪ Just fell on my head

♪ The wherefore and
why are best left unsaid

♪ But we have a
hunch, and it's appalling

♪ That like it or not,
the sky is falling ♪

Help!

♪ Disaster is near Help!

♪ We're tremblin'
with fear Help.

♪ The outlook is drear

♪ We're dreadin' Armageddon
may disrupt our career

♪ And though he may
refuse the news we bring

♪ We must fly and
try to warn the king ♪

(applause)

This is terrible news indeed.

But it is good luck for all of
us that we ran into each other.

It so happens I know a
shortcut to the palace.

Really? Yes. Through my den.

There's a service
entrance in the rear.

Oh, thank you...
Thank you so much.

We'll never forget this.

You're right. I lied. There
is no service entrance.

♪ A piece of good
luck just fell in my lap

♪ Three strangers who
cluck, well, it's their mishap

♪ These friends who
dropped in don't look suspicious

♪ But check out my
grin, they look delicious

♪ To me these feathered
fools are so much meat

♪ I and mine shall
dine ♪ Bon appétit ♪

(laughing)

(applause)

"And from that day to this,

"Turkey Lurkey, Goosey
Loosey and Henny Penny

were never seen -" Stop!

Children, kids, it's up to you.

I mean, if you want to save us

and not have us eaten
by Foxy Loxy, applaud.

I mean it!

I mean, clap now
if you want to see

the goose and the
chicken and the turkey live.

Come on, put your
little hands together.

Save us, and you
won't have bad dreams.

Clap, you miserable -

Come on, Henny,
let's get it over with.

But what about their bad
dreams? Let's go. Come on.

Fine. But I just
want you all to know

there are monsters
living under all your beds.

Uh-oh.

I don't think Serafina's a
worthy opponent for me anymore.

Why not, Sophia? I'm
afraid she's losing it.

I just got her next chess move.

She bid four spades.

Well, the reviews
are finally in.

And according to the elementary
school paper, the show was a big hit.

They have their own newspaper?

How cute. Read it, Dorothy.

"I saw the play
yesterday. It was good.

"It was called Henny Penny.

The actors were good,
especially Turkey Lurkey."

"And the others were good, too.

My friends and I all liked it."

See, Dorothy? I knew my
ending wouldn't hurt the play.

Oh, no, the show
was a big success.

In fact the library's
been busier than ever.

The kids are really getting
excited about reading.

Where's Blanche? She
should see this review.

Oh, yes, and I hope it makes her
feel better. I've been worried about her.

Ever since she got those
flowers from Mel Bushman,

she hasn't been herself.

Well, I'm off to
the Rusty Anchor.

Spring break comes
but once a year.

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