The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 7, Episode 1 - Hey, Look Me Over - full transcript

Rose gets a big shock when she develops some old film she discovers in one of Charley's cameras.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

What do you think, Blanche?

Am I through with my cycle?

Well, I'd say menopause
is a pretty good guess.

You're about as puffy as
the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I was talking
about my Exercycle.

It's so hard to know what to leave
here and what to put in storage.

What are you doing, Rose?

Oh, I was just going
through the change.

Well, that explains
the puffiness.

All right, that's
it. I'm sick of this.

I am not puffy.

And there's no similarity between
me and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Understand? None!

I'll start loading the car.

Don't take any of that.

That's the pile
I'm keeping here.

All of this?

Well, I can't part
with those things.

They're all so special to me.

What's so special about this?

Oh, look, my bullhorn!

Oh, this is the only thing I
have left from my one day

as a Mountain Rangerette.

Hey, you, get out of the pass.

This is avalanche country.

What about this? You
still want this old camera?

Where did you find that?
That was Charlie's camera.

And it still has film in it.

Oh, I bet these are the pictures
from Charlie's last birthday.

I took most of our savings, and
I... I bought him a couple of acres

of the most beautiful
land in Minnesota.

Oh, girls, you should've
seen the look on his face

when it was delivered.

I'll tell you what.
I'll drop the film off

when I pick up our tickets
to the Philharmonic today.

Philharmonic? Yep.

Beethoven's Sonata No. 29,

one week from tonight, just
you and me under the stars.

Ma, aren't you excited?

I'm lactating.


I forgot this. I
don't want to go.

Don't make me go, please.

Ma, you always loved it
when we did things together.

Why the sudden change?

Don't look at me. Rose is the
one going through the change.

Well, that would
explain the puffiness.

I need some coffee.

Oh, I'd love a cup,
Sophia. Oh, me, too.

Oh, sure, make the oldest
one in the tribe serve the young.

And after you have your fill,

I'll go to the mountaintop
and let the wolves eat me.

You know, I'm worried about Ma.

Why? What do you mean?

Well, I picked up this pamphlet

on the four warning
signs of hearing loss.

I think Ma may be
having a problem.


Warning sign number one,

avoidance of social activities.

Number two, people who
can't hear act forgetful.

Ma forgot about these tickets.

Oh, that was just an excuse.

Sophia's not really
getting forgetful.

Hot coffee! Coming through!

Number three, they act cranky.

Ah, the hell with you.
Get your own coffee.

Number four, they
usually laugh out of context.

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry. I thought you
said, "My dog has no nose.

"Well, how does
he smell? Awful."


Nothing, huh?

Well, I laughed when
I thought you said it.

Hi, Ma. How are you?

Are you happy today?

Oh, my God, we're being bugged.

Who is it? Immigration?

Ma, what are you talking about?

Uh, happy?

I'm... I'm happy, all right,

happy to be a citizen of
the United States of America.

Ma, you are a citizen.

That's right, Dorothy. As far
as we know, I am a citizen,

a citizen of the US of A,

home of presidents
like, um, Ford, Lincoln...

Help me out here, Dorothy.

Bush, Ma.

Oh, and Reagan.

Ma, I'm sorry to interrupt

this flag-waving, psychotic
tribute to our country,

but I think you
need a hearing aid.

Oh, please, I have the
hearing of a springer spaniel.

Look, Ma, I am concerned.
You're my mother.

Can't you just
check it out, please?

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry. I thought you said, "I'm
Mothra, giant radioactive insect."

I didn't, Ma.

Too bad. It was a
good impression.


Come on, Dorothy, I'm kidding.

I read that flyer
you brought home.

Every time you get a
pamphlet, I get that disease.

And not just diseases.

I thought for a while I
was a Jew for Jesus.

Hi, Sophia. Shalom.

Dorothy, I picked
up Charlie's pictures.

Oh, these must be from
his last trip to Florida.

He went there every
spring to discuss sales.

Ah, look, here he
is at Gator World.

And here he is, touring
the Miami suburbs.

And here he is in Blanche's bed.

And here he is... Wait, wait.

Blanche? Blanche Devereaux?

Yeah, right here in her bed.

Oh, no!

No, don't tell me he met
Blanche and slept with her.

Oh, now, wait.

I'm sure he didn't
sleep with Blanche.

Well, how about this picture?

Well, I mean, just because
a man is in Blanche's bed

doesn't mean... So a
guy makes one mistake.

I mean, there has
to be an explanation.

Honey, why don't we ask Blanche?

Oh, I can't talk to Blanche.

When I'm upset,
everything comes out wrong.

Face it, Dorothy, I
don't have your quick wit,

your conversation
skills, your...

Your way with... With... Words?

Words. Thank you.

I'd probably end
up calling her a slut.

Oh, come on.

Honey, "slut" is a little harsh.

I mean, Blanche isn't that bad.

Oh, my God, I can barely walk.

Although "slut" does have
a documentary feel to it.

You... You harlot!

Oh, Rose, I'm sore because
I was using your Exercycle.

I'm talking about this picture.

Oh, my God, where
did you find this?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

My hair, it looks like a helmet.


It's all bunched up and pointy.

Honey, you gotta burn
this. I look like the Rocketeer.

Blanche, forget about your hair.

That is Rose's husband with you.

Who, Charlie? No,
I never met Charlie.

You not only met
him. You slept with him,

just like you sleep
with everybody.

I most certainly do not.

Oh, come on, Blanche.

You've landed on your
back more than... More than...

The American Gladiators.

You just watch your mouth, Rose.

I may be a social person,
but I am certainly discerning.


Blanche, you've been under
more drunken sailors than... Than...

Oh, now, Rose,
don't drag me into this.

A nautical toilet.

Well, that does it, Rose.
Now you've just gone too far.

I don't know how he got into
my room, but I can promise you,

I do not go to bed with men
who wear wedding bands.

What if he took it off?

Then I'd see the tan line.

What if he was from
Minnesota and had no tan?



So he's not good enough for you?

Listen, my Charlie was 6'
2" and broad shouldered

and apparently had about as
much taste in women as... As...

Other men with
flawed choicing skills.

Hi, Ma.


What, "Aha"?

You didn't hear that.

Actually, I was just
trying to be polite,

but since you brought
it up, excuse you.

Ma, you didn't hear that.

Now, face it, you can't
hear high frequencies.

Why can't you be honest
about what's happening to you?

Why do you insist
on becoming feeble?

Feeble? Now,
you listen, Dorothy.

I may not have your gift for
word jumbles or your ability to float

or your way of making
small children weep...

But? Or your butt. Thank you.

But there's one thing I do have.

Oh, what's that, Ma?

Two thousand shares of
Xerox, which I bought at...

My health. I've got my health.

Listen, Ma, I made an appointment
for you for 2:00 this afternoon.

Either you go and get
your hearing checked,

or I will make life
miserable for you.

Oh, come on.

You said the exact
same things to me

before you took me to Shady...

I'll go pretty up.



Don't talk to me. Don't
try to cheer me up.

Just leave me alone.

I am angry, and I'm
gonna stay angry!

Stop it!

Dorothy, it just
doesn't make sense.

Why was Charlie with that tramp

if he didn't sleep with her?

Now, come on.

Blanche might be a little
loose, but she's not a tramp.

Okay, here they are.

The names of all the men I have
dated since my husband died.

What do you know?
The tramp keeps records.

Dorothy, most of the men in
these pages just fantasized

about going to bed with me.

Oh, what do the gold stars mean?

I had a good time.

What do the silver stars mean?

I ran out of gold stars.

Wait a minute.

If you didn't sleep with any
of the men in these journals,

then how come it says
"Bed" on the cover?

Oh, that doesn't say "Bed."

Right there, it does.

Oh, silly, those
are my initials.

Blanche Elizabeth Devereaux.

Your initials spell "Bed"?

Okay, let's see. You said
eight years ago, spring?

That starts right here.

I'm gonna prove to you I am not
a sexually indiscriminate person.

Or her name isn't "Bed."

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

It says right there you slept
with a traveling salesman.

Ah, in fairness, it says
that on her license plates.

Oh, my God. There. "Chuck."

A traveling salesman
named Chuck.

Well, that must be him.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry. I did.

It's right there in the
diary. I must have...

I must have slept with
your husband, Charlie.


Oh, so what's the news?

How'd the hearing test come out?

Tell her what the doctor said.

Tell her what the doctor...

Ma's fine, okay?


I need a hearing aid, all right?

I took the test just to show
her there was nothing to it,

and it turns out I have
a slight hearing loss.

And get this.

It's inherited, and it
skips a generation.

Skips a generation! Yahoo!

Oh, come on.

That is not true.

You're just gonna gloat
about this, aren't you?

This is nothing but
a big victory for you.

Look, I am not gonna
get a hearing aid,

and that's all there is to it.

But, Dorothy, you're the one

who's been talkin'
about aging with dignity.

Not for me. For her.

I mean, look at her.

The woman is
hundreds of years old.

She should be carbon-dated.

But, Dorothy, if
the doctor said...

Look, I really don't
want to hear this, okay?

Good news, you can't.

Oh, Rose. Rose,
what are you doing?

Oh, she can't face me.

She's been doin' this all day.

Rose, you know I said I'm sorry.

Can't you put
yourself in my position?

Apparently I'm
not limber enough.

That was good.

Blanche, I know what happened
between you and Charlie

happened before
you ever knew me,

and I know I
shouldn't be so angry,

but I am and I
just can't help it.

Oh, come on. Take it easy, Rose.

How can I?

What do you think
this makes me feel like?


She said, "What do you
think this makes me feel like?"


It's out of the park. Game over.

I'm going to Disneyland.

How come she gets
to go to Disneyland?

Rose, Dorothy
needs a hearing aid,

but she won't get one because
she's afraid she'll feel old.

I don't get it.

When did I become
my parents' age?

Gosh, you know, I
remember being 20 years old

and... and worrying that if I
didn't spend the holidays at home,

I might never see them again.

Everything changes so suddenly.

You know what's young to me now?


Suddenly, 40 is young.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Every day it's something else.

The hair gets gray.
The eyes get weak.

And you shrink. It's scary.

I mean, you measure your
height against your arm span,

and when they stop being equal,

you're actually getting smaller.


Anyway, Dorothy,
these new hearing aids

just fit right in the ear canal.

Nobody can even see 'em,

so what does it matter?

It matters because it's a
step I don't want to take.

Look, I don't mind
being divorced

or having to struggle
to pay my bills

or having to eat my weight in
supplements every morning,

but I will not do this.

I will not become an old person.

Ooh, rain's coming.

Rose, it's the middle of
September. What are you doing?

Oh, it's a banner Charlie made.

I thought it'd be nice to have some
good memories of him around me.

He put it up every year.

Oh, he was one
of a kind, all right.

Loved Christmas.

Loved Christmas. That is unique.

Of course, that was
before he met Blanche.

Pretty, affectionate,
fun-loving Blanche.

Say, where is old Happy-pants?

She and Ma went
to the Philharmonic.

I thought you
were going to that.

Why bother? It's not
like I'd be able to enjoy it.


On the other hand,
Beethoven was also deaf,

so you'd be hearing the
music the way he wrote it.

Look at us.

You haven't been out
of the house in a week,

and I've lost one
of my best friends.

Oh, come on, Rose. You haven't
lost one of your best friends.

Sure I have. It's too
painful to talk to Blanche,

so I figure she can be my
landlord, but we'll stop being friends.

Oh, now, Rose, that's
not what you really want.

Honey, you're sacrificing
something very important to you

over a mistake that
was made years ago.

Honey, you know
what you should do?

Sit down, write down everything
that you like about Blanche.

Honey, if you care for someone,

it's important to remember
why they're in your life.

I guess you're right.

I guess I was
pretty hard on her.

I can't believe I made that
crack about the nautical toilet.

You lost your head.

Oh, I'm having a vision.

A religious vision.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful!

Sophia, please, our Savior
wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

Well, I guess I ought
to go talk to Rose.

Where is she? In the kitchen.

Oh. Is she still upset? Uh-huh.

You know, I just
don't understand it.

How could I not
remember Charlie?

Have I finally
turned that corner?

Have I finally become so jaded

that I can no longer put
the name with the face?

Oh, listen to me.

He was probably
just lousy in bed.

You missed a
sensational concert tonight.

I'm glad I didn't go tonight.

Who needs the
crowds, the hassle?

You're sounding old, pussycat.

It's not a hearing aid
that makes you old.

It's what you're becoming
by not getting one.

Think of what you're
missing, all the things I hear.

The birds singing,
the wind in the trees,

the sound of the ticker tape
telling you Xerox has gone up to...

My health.

Did I mention
I've got my health?

Rose... Don't say anything.

I've given this
a lot of thought.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Rose... No, shh. You listen.

Charlie was the most
important man in my life,

but as much as I
cared about him,

I can't help but
care about you, too.

You're like a sister to me,
and I can't throw that away,

so I forgive you

for being a moralless,
emotionally needy,

man-leech with an air
bag in her headboard.

And I'm sorry I said
you were insensitive.

Apology accepted.

Okay, Dorothy, hand
me those pictures.

I think it's time
we rip them up.

Wait a minute. Rose, have you
seen the rest of these pictures?

I'd rather not.

Honey, I think
there's some mistake.

Look, here's Blanche
in bed with Charlie,

but this one's Blanche in
bed with a pontoon boat.

Here's Blanche in
bed with the big orange

from the Sunkist building,

and here's Blanche in bed
with the Country Bear Jamboree.

Honey, do you know
what this means?

I sure do.

My God, you're an animal!

Rose, these are
double exposures.

Double exposures?

Yes, obviously
Blanche took pictures

with the camera over
film that was already in it.

Well, how strange!

And what a great
alibi for the future.

But wait a minute.
What were you doing

taking pictures
of yourself in bed?

You've seen her Christmas cards.

Well, I've got two tickets here

for the final night
of the Philharmonic,

and one of them
has your name on it.

Here you go, Opus.

I thought you two
went last night.

I traded those for these.

Actually, last night we went
to see Dying Young. Terrific.

I laughed till I peed.

And then I laughed at that.

So you mean you just
pretended to go to the concert

so I'd realize what
I've been missing,

how stupid I've been?

Now will you go in
and get a hearing aid?

You're too late,
Ma. I already did.

I'm wearing one now.

You got it? Why,
that's wonderful.

Terrific, honey.

And the great thing
is, you can't even see it.

Oh, you're beautiful.

I told you, to me,
you've always had

the elegance of a
young Lauren Bacall.

Oh, thank you, Ma.

A young Bacall.

Amazing. Sixty years old

and she still falls for
that "young Bacall" bit.

I heard that.