The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 24 - Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home: Part 1 - full transcript
Police suspect that Sophia may be responsible for the fire that destroyed the Shady Pines Retirement Home.
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
Hi, girls. Oh, Rose, I
missed you at breakfast.
Did you and Miles
have fun last night?
Oh, yes. We had dinner at
the Mandarin Rathskeller,
that new Chinese-German
restaurant.
How was it? Oh,
the food was good.
But an hour later, Miles
and I were both hungry.
For power.
(laughing)
(doorbell rings)
Oh, my, that provincial
Midwestern sense of humor...
that everybody hates.
Yes? Hello. I'm Detective
Parres, Dade County P.D.
Does a Sophia
Petrillo reside here?
This is my mother.
Is there a problem?
I'd just like to ask
a few questions.
I've got nothing
to hide, copper.
Or do you prefer
"flatfoot" or "gumshoe"?
Before my mother
lost it completely,
she watched a lot
of James Cagney.
They colorized him.
Can you believe it?
Let the man rest.
He's got hair the color of Rose's
and more rouge than Blanche.
Whatever you think she
did, she's guilty. I saw her.
Please sit down.
Mrs. Petrillo,
where were you on the
night of September 4th, 1985?
Did you see Awakenings?
Throw a ball at me.
How the hell should I know?
I don't even remember what
color underwear I'm wearing.
Ma, the beginning of September.
That's when Shady
Pines burned down
and you came
here to live with us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not wearing underpants.
Mrs. Petrillo,
were you acquainted with
the late Maria Heartgrove?
She died? Good
riddance. God rest her soul.
We have a deathbed
confession from her
stating that the two of you
started the Shady Pines fire.
Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do?
She claimed that on
the night of the fire,
the two of you were in
your room cooking s'mores.
Nonsense. I don't even
know what s'mores are.
You remember, Sophia.
They're those little toasted graham
cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Marshmallow. Don't
forget the marshmallow.
Whoops.
In her deposition,
Mrs. Heartgrove said
that you were in possession
of an illegal hot plate,
and while you were cooking,
the curtains caught on fire.
Then you panicked and fled,
and the fire continued unchecked.
Now wait just a
minute. This is crazy.
Do you have any proof?
Did anybody find
that alleged hot plate?
Presumably it
was lost in the fire.
Maria was just out to get me.
She was always jealous
because I still had my own hair.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo.
I have no choice
but to bring you in
on a charge of negligent arson.
My mother is 85
years old. Surely you -
I'm sorry. The law
recognizes no age limits.
Mrs. Petrillo,
you're under arrest.
Well, all's well that
ends well. What?
It's a title of a
Shakespeare play.
Rose, nothing is well,
and nothing has ended.
Sophia's out on
bail, awaiting her trial.
Well, if Dorothy had said
it, you'd think it was brilliant.
So this is life on the outside.
It's changed.
You've all gotten so old.
Ma, knock it off. You
were gone an hour.
If anyone's upset,
it should be me.
I had to dig up the bail money.
Please. How do
you put a price tag
on getting your mother back?
What was it, $500? 5000.
Wow. I better improve
my attitude around here.
(doorbell rings)
Well, Herb, here
you are. Hi. Hi.
Girls, this is Herb
Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
So, what are my
chances, shyster?
Or do you prefer
"ambulance chaser"?
Ma, he's here to help
you. Are you nuts?
If it helps.
Well, the trial is set
for a month from now,
so I'm going to need
some character witnesses.
Maybe you should
start by interviewing me.
I would make a
wonderful witness.
I can't tell you how many times
I've been badgered by lawyers.
Well, I could, but it
might sound like boasting.
Oh, the stories I
could tell you about me.
You're not gonna
believe this, but I...
I shall become a
great Southern writer,
carrying on the tradition
of the other great
Southern writers like...
uh...
all those that are so famous
they need not be mentioned.
Oh, girls, it's gonna be so
exciting. I am gonna make a fortune.
And I won't even have
to use my imagination.
My life is a romance novel.
Your life is a sports page.
Listen. Tell me I can't do
better than this in my sleep.
"He grabbed her.
"She could feel his fingers
pressing into her moist flesh.
"Her heart was
pounding, her loins on fire
as he spun her around,
her dress ripping open..."
You know how many
times I've experienced that?
Your loins have been on fire?
Yes.
"She melted into his -"
Where exactly are your loins?
Rose, it doesn't
matter. Just listen.
"She melted into his arms,
faint now with the
animal musk of him..."
I didn't know people had loins.
I've heard of
loin of pork, but...
In her case, the same thing.
Isn't this exciting -
taking part in a protest?
Standing up as free Americans
and exercising our right to say,
"We're mad as hell and we're
not gonna take it anymore."
I'm out of spit. Can I go now?
20 envelopes and
you're ready to quit?
We joined the Friends of
Sea Mammals for a reason.
You are so unmotivated.
Well, when I joined this
Mammals With Blowholes thing...
I didn't expect to be carrying
picket signs on some grungy dock.
I was hoping more for a
fund-raiser cocktail party
with Chinese lanterns
and Portuguese -
no, Hispanic waiters
in tight black pants.
And we hire a band
to play fish songs
in pirate suits with
muscles bulging.
Your mouth is watering
now, Blanche. Keep licking.
Herb, I'm aware of
how important it is
to make a good
impression in court.
Tell me, what do you think
would move the jury more -
cleavage or a lot of leg?
That depends on
what you're going for -
a chuckle or a guffaw.
Blanche, I think a conservative
ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.
Oh, there'll be music?
Ma, where you going?
If he puts you three on
the stand, up the river.
Ma, what are you
doing up? I can't sleep.
I keep trying to think back
on that night at Shady Pines.
And? And we're
out of toilet paper.
I told you, Dorothy, I
can't remember a thing.
Just because your
memory is fuzzy
doesn't mean that you're guilty.
Doesn't mean I'm
innocent, either. Ma!
Let's face it. I've done some
pretty peculiar things in my day.
Of course, I've got an excuse.
I'm an old lady. I left
my mind in the '60s.
Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
They're in your
mouth, Ma. I know that.
Don't they look good today?
I ran them through
the dishwasher.
Ma, listen to me.
You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.
Morning, Blanche.
Morning, Ma. You sleep well?
No. I had that
recurring nightmare,
the one where I'm in bed with
Warren Beatty and he says,
"Sorry, this is too
sick, even for me."
Well, now I know why
Hemingway killed himself.
Oh, girls, I have
writer's block.
It is the worst
feeling in the world.
Try ten days without a
bowel movement sometime.
You just sit there, hour
after hour after hour.
Tell me about it.
Frisk me. Oh, Ma, stop
that. What are you doing?
Just frisk me. Frisk me.
It's important practice for
me if I'm going to prison.
Ma, you are not going to prison.
Now think back.
Shady Pines.
What was the last
thing that you remember
before that fire?
Meat loaf.
Nine days in a row.
Their only witness is dead.
That ought to work in our favor.
Dorothy, that hot
plate was mine.
I made s'mores all the time.
I hated Shady Pines.
I can't remember,
but I know I did it.
I must have.
I'm goin' to prison.
Ma won't come out of
her room. She's miserable.
Just to keep me up
to speed, Dorothy -
it's this negligent arson rap
and the prospect of spending the rest
of her waning years in jail thing, right?
No, it's the "Rose
in the kitchen" thing.
I just hate to see
Sophia so unhappy.
I wish there was something we
could do to make her feel better.
I mean, we're always there
when we need each other.
You know, if I have a
problem, Rose is there for me,
and if Dorothy has a
problem, I'm there for her.
I wish I knew what to do.
All right. All right. I
can pick up a cue.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1912.
A beautiful young peasant
girl with clear olive skin
meets an exciting but
penniless Spanish artist.
There's an instant attraction.
They laugh, they sing,
they slam down a
few boilermakers.
Shortly afterwards,
he's arrested
for showing her how he can hold
his palette without using his hands.
But I digress.
He paints her portrait, and
they make passionate love.
She spends much of the next day
in the shower with a loofah sponge
scrubbing his
fingerprints off her body.
She sees the portrait
and is insulted -
it looks nothing like her -
and she storms
out of his life forever.
That peasant girl was me
and that painter
was Pablo Picasso.
Ma, I have a feeling you're
lying. Be positive, Dorothy.
OK, I'm positive you're lying.
This is terrible.
Trick move from your
checkers-by-mail partner?
No, it's from the company
Charlie worked for.
They've gone bankrupt and
so has their pension fund.
I'm not gonna be getting
pension checks anymore.
I can't afford to live
without that pension.
Let's not panic. I'm sure
they can't just cut you off.
She's right. There has
to be a good explanation.
You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
What if it's not? What if
I can't pay my own way?
What if I can't afford food?
What if I have to sleep
outside in some park?
There's an old Italian
saying for times like this.
Scappa. Tu si mal fortuna.
What does that mean?
Get away from
me. You're bad luck.
OK, that's it. Drink this.
It's a secret potion
from the old country
guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it. Slowly.
That's right, down the hatch.
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
Now, you might
feel a slight tingling,
but believe me, you'll
sleep like a baby.
I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me?
Sophia!
Oh, I just had a
terrible thought.
What if, in some weird way,
all this was true
and Ma went to jail?
Oh, my God.
This is very important, Rose.
It might take a couple of hours,
so relax and get comfortable.
The last time someone said that
to me, I had two pigs on my back
and I was pushing a wheelbarrow.
Why?
To relax and get comfortable.
OK, now, where should I begin?
Let's see. I think the one
thing you need to know is
that I'm the one around
here with the level head,
the real voice of reason.
I haven't been this
scared since 1952
when St. Olaf's
most active volcano
threatened to erupt.
Luckily there were some
Druid priests who were in town
for the opening of
Stonehengeland.
They said they could stop it
if they could sacrifice
the town's dumbest virgin.
I don't know why
I raised my hand.
It must have just been the
excitement of the moment.
But they said the only
way to prevent the eruption
was for me to crawl through
their legs up the volcano
while they gave me
my birthday whacks.
Well - and you're not
gonna believe this -
it turns out they weren't
Druid priests at all,
just a bunch of Shriners
looking for a good time.
All creatures must
learn to coexist.
Back where I come from, they do.
That's why the brown
bear and the field mouse
can share their lives
and live in harmony.
'Course, they can't mate
or the mice would explode.
You want me to drive tonight,
Dorothy? Oh, Rose, listen.
I'm not going to
the meeting tonight.
Oh? How come? I'm
not comfortable there.
I'm not comfortable with the
people, with the whole thing.
But you need the
group support, Dorothy.
It's not a good
idea to go it alone.
Did I ever tell you about
my cousin Vigdov Frickin?
He tried to go it alone
in a three-legged race.
Well, you know what
happened to him?
Please. Please, Rose!
I don't want to hear
about your Frickin cousin.
That was very interesting, Rose,
but now that I've heard you,
I think I'll probably
just plead insanity.
You look perfectly sane to me.
High praise indeed.
Pussycat, when I go to trial,
will you be a character
witness for me,
tell them I'm sweet and cute
and don't have it
in me to harm a fly?
What, you want me
to perjure myself?
Basically.
Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank you for trying to
cheer me up, Pussycat.
You're always there
for me. I appreciate that.
We're there for each other.
I don't know of any other
mothers and daughters
who have gone through half
of what we've gone through.
I can't tell you how much it
meant to me when you and I...
Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Who are you? I'm the doctor.
We'll see about that.
Look, Mrs...
Petrillo. I'm Dorothy's mother.
I wanna know
what's wrong with her.
Don't tell me "nothing," because I
know there's something wrong with her.
Mothers know. Look, Ma,
I'll talk to you about it later.
Your daughter is
fine, Mrs. Petrillo.
100%? 100%.
Tip-top? Tip-top.
Then, Mr. 100% Tip-top,
why the hell does
she feel like hell?
Look, Ma... Wait.
I gotta hear this.
It could be
functional. Functional?
Mental.
Mental.
Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. 100% Tip-top Mental,
my daughter may
be no spring chicken
and her jaw might
crack when she chews...
and she may have
noticeable trouble
digesting raw vegetables,
but one thing
she's not is mental.
Thanks, Ma.
OK, girls, I'm ready.
Well, Rose, do I look like
the mayor of Palm Springs?
Doug Henning is the
mayor of Palm Springs?
Just play the music, Rose.
(♪ "I Got You Babe"
by Sonny Bono)
♪ They say we're
young and we don't know
♪ We won't find
out until we grow
♪ I don't know
if all that's true
♪ But you got me
and, baby, I got you
♪ Babe ♪ I got you, babe
♪ I got you, babe ♪
You know, Ma, I guess we
do have a good relationship.
It's always been good.
I know we never did some of
those mother/daughter things -
baking cookies, dressing alike,
braiding each other's hair.
Yeah, but wasn't it great
making fun of those who did?
It sure was.
But come on, Ma.
The truth is, we have
done our share of fighting.
Of course we
fight. We're Italian.
We like to fight. It's
our way of showing love.
Though I don't know if there
was a lot of love that time that we...
Hi, Ma. Gimme your watch.
Sure. What do you want it for?
I'm working on a magic act
for the talent show at the center.
Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.
Ma! Relax.
Dorothy, was your
card the ace of spades?
Ma, what the hell
are you talking about?
I think I got chapters
seven and nine mixed up.
Ohh.
This watch is broken.
Ma, Stan gave me that
watch when we got married.
The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch?
I waited up for you
until two in the morning,
and you still weren't home.
Oh, yeah. Gertie and
I and some of the girls
went to Wolfie's
to pick up guys.
I called Wolfie's at
11. You weren't there.
Guess who got lucky. Oh, God!
What can I tell you?
A couple of egg creams,
the bright fluorescent lights
and a retired jeweler
named Shlomo
all conspired to make
a night of enchantment.
Not for me.
I can't tell you some of
the horrible thoughts I had
about what might
have happened to you.
Although none as horrible
as what you just described.
Ah, there you are.
Ma, I scheduled the
appointment for your checkup.
Ma, you know you
have to have a physical.
What do you want me to do - take you
to court, have you declared incompetent?
I'm not incompetent.
Once when I laughed too
hard, I had a little accident.
I guess we do have a strange
way of showing our affection.
Oh, Ma, I'm glad to
see you've cheered up,
but why are you walking down
memory lane all of a sudden?
It's just that I may
not see you for a while.
Ma, they can't prove that you
started that fire at Shady Pines,
and you are not going to jail.
You can't be sure
of that, Pussycat,
so I'm doing what I have to do.
I'm jumping bail and
moving back to Sicily.
Oh, hi, Ma. How was your nap?
Nap? I didn't take a
nap. I'm a nervous wreck.
How could I sleep a wink with this
prison thing hanging over my head?
Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.
Oh, I guess I did take a nap.
Ma, I don't know
why you're nervous.
You are not going to prison.
I feel like I am in prison, with you
keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.
Are you gonna keep doing
that for the rest of my life?
No, only until you give up this
ridiculous idea about leaving the country.
I'm not skipping
bail. I'd never make it.
Every cab driver, waitress and
skycap between here and Sicily
would be only too
eager to talk to the police.
Why do you say
that? I under-tip.
Look, Ma, I know you're nervous,
but Herb is a brilliant lawyer,
and, honey, you have the
love and support of all of us.
Is there anything I can
get you from the kitchen?
Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.
How's Sophia?
She's over that crazy
idea about Sicily,
but she's still very
concerned about going to jail.
Well, who wouldn't be?
It's a terrifying
prospect to think about.
Prison. The coldness
of it, the steel bars,
the wedges of cheese
hanging overhead,
tantalizingly just out of reach.
Let me guess - St.
Olaf County Jail?
And deli.
Look, we have to do
everything we can to help Ma.
Now, the three of us have
got to put our heads together
and try to figure
out for certain
how that fire got started.
You're so right, Dorothy. And we
can start by ruling out the obvious.
Does Sophia have any friends who
are or ever have been circus fire-eaters?
No.
Would she like to meet some?
Don't you worry. Now we'll
get to the bottom of this.
Lord knows we've worked our
way out of tight spots before.
Who was it who
got us into that...
Oh, just a minute,
now I remember.
Come on, it's worth a try.
It's either we sing or he sings.
Oh, all right.
♪ Boom ♪
♪ Boom ♪
Well? Well, what?
After my boom comes
your boom and then yours,
until we're all booming.
How complicated
is that herring thing?
♪ Boom
♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
♪ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Then tell him that his
lonesome nights are over
(baby cries)
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Mr. Sandman ♪ Yes?
♪ Bring me a dream
♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Give him the word
that I'm not a rover
♪ And tell him that his
lonesome nights are over
♪ Mr. Sandman ♪ I'm so alone ♪
Boy, you guys really stink.
Look, I'm not going out
with him. You go, Blanche.
What?! You like him. I
know you do. So you go.
Well, I couldn't. Of
course she couldn't.
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
Well, why not? It's
all over between us.
He'll know that tonight.
Well, it's impossible.
I'd feel like a...
I'd feel like a...
A back-stabbing slut?
No.
Then please go, for me.
I'd feel better knowing
this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you
put it that way...
But only as a personal
favor to you, honey.
Well, I guess I'd
better go get dressed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Can you believe that
back-stabbing slut?
Well, now that we know we
can work our way out of jams,
exactly how are we gonna
work our way out of this one?
There's one thing we could do.
We could get something to eat.
Can we concentrate? It seems
like all we ever do around here is eat.
Maybe it's all you ever do.
Oh, excuse me.
I forgot about all those
other appetites you satisfy
before going to the fridge.
My life is more than
just sex and food.
I take care of this house.
Why, just the other day we had a
leak, and the gas man came out.
Oh, no, wait a minute. I
guess that falls under sex.
And you did fix him a
sandwich afterwards.
Oh, yeah.
I guess sex and food
are a big part of our lives.
In fact, just recently - last
summer, or last spring?
It's so hard to
remember which...
Why does it have to be so hard?
The hardest part for me
was explaining to my Kirsten
the difference
between boys and girls.
I knew the time had come,
but I kept putting it off.
Finally, I decided it was time
to take the bull by the horns.
So you told her? No. I
took the bull by the horns,
turned him around and showed
her what makes a bull a bull.
You are kidding, Rose.
No. That's how my
mother taught me.
Honey, didn't that give
you a false impression
about what a man
would look like?
It sure did.
Can you imagine my surprise
on my wedding night with Charlie?
Boy, that bull would
have been jealous.
Rose, quite
frankly, I don't get it.
What is this hold that
Buzz has over you?
I know exactly what
she's going through.
First love can be very powerful.
I felt the same way
about Heyward Boyle,
the star pitcher on our
high school baseball team.
Oh, an amazing athlete.
That boy had
exceptional control.
He was always
up for extra innings.
And his delivery. Oh -
All right, Blanche. Enough!
Yeah. We get it.
So, what was he like in bed?
I have to agree with
Blanche on this one.
Half the fun is
in getting there.
Boy, did your
father and I have fun
trying for you.
Ma, I don't think I
want to hear this.
I wasn't gonna tell
you until you're 60,
but I think you
can handle it now.
We lived in New York.
There was the San
Gennaro Festival every year.
Your father - may he rest
in peace until I get there -
got so turned on by
the festivities one year
he couldn't wait
till we got home.
Oh, Ma.
So he took me -
right there behind the
sausage and pepper stand.
Hey, we were behind
the garbage cans.
It's not like we were
in front of everybody.
I can relate to the
festivities part, Sophia.
All our children were conceived
on special St. Olaf holidays.
Adam was conceived on
the Day of the Princess Pig
when they had the pig crowning,
and Ginella was
conceived on Hay Day.
That's the day we St.
Olafians celebrate hay.
Rose, do you think
you could wrap this up
before Rebecca goes into labor?
Then there was the
Day of the Wheat,
when everybody came to
town dressed as sandwiches.
Charlie and I forgot to
put cheese between us,
and before I knew
it, there was Kirsten.
Look, Blanche, what
Rebecca is doing
is really not so terrible.
Look, among the four of us,
each of us conceived our
children in a different way.
I was totally unconscious.
When I came to, there was Stan
carving a notch
in his dashboard.
I never bought that
unconscious story.
I swear. He must have
slipped me something.
Apparently.
Those stories made me hungry.
They made me horny.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we call the pizza guy?
See, we both win.
(phone rings)
Hello?
What?
Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.
They caught her trying to
buy a ticket out of the country.
Can you believe Ma,
trying to go to Sicily
on my credit card?
She would've made it, too,
if her chef's knife hadn't
shown up on the scanner.
You want to know
something crazy?
I actually feel
responsible for this.
If I'd never checked
her into Shady Pines,
she never would have
made those s'mores,
there never would
have been a fire,
and none of this
would have happened.
Hey, when you look at it
like that, you are responsible.
Yeah, I never had
thought about it that way.
You know, it is like they're trying
the wrong person. It is your fault.
Wait a second, girls.
Can you imagine being the
one to put your mother in jail?
It was just a theory.
Follow that lady to Guilt City.
Now stop it, now stop it. Look,
nobody is to blame for this.
She's rationalizing.
Instead of pointing fingers,
I thought we were gonna
try to find a way out of this.
Well, we certainly are
in the right place for it.
The kitchen - Crisis Central.
Yeah, we sure have solved
a lot of problems in this room.
I mean, a lot.
Dorothy, it wasn't
that long ago that you...
Oh, it's you. I thought maybe
Sophia had come home.
Oh, no. She'll be
back in the morning.
She's trying to teach me a
lesson. I know my mother.
Oh, really? You're the one who said
she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.
Dorothy, it's not just
your mother who left.
I feel like she's
my mother, too.
I know, but don't
worry. She'll be back.
Now that she's gone, who am I
gonna go to in the middle of the night
with my deepest
personal problems?
Wait a minute. You went to my
mother's room in the middle of the night?
Many, many times. Two
or three times a week.
And she was always
so kind and comforting.
I don't understand. Every time
I'd knock on her door late at night,
she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas."
Sophia doesn't have
a TV in her room.
I know.
Then, after we finished talking,
she'd always give me a piece of
hard candy and a kiss good night.
I can't sleep.
And what's worse, I went to
Sophia's room for one of our talks...
and then I remembered she
left, thanks to you, Dorothy.
You had late-night talks
with my mother? All the time.
And she gave you hard candy?
No. I'd ask, but she was
always afraid I'd choke on it.
Why didn't somebody
tell me it was dinnertime?
Ma, it's not dinner, it's
the middle of the night.
Good. Then I'm dressed for it.
Blanche is upset.
Well, you would be, too, if your
daughter - Oh, I can't even say it.
What could have happened?
The two of you
were getting so close.
My little girl is gonna have a
baby by artificial insemination.
I just can't bear
to think about it.
I'm just being silly, aren't I?
For God's sake,
somebody say something.
Ew!
Big help.
Dorothy, what about you? You're
the sensible one around here,
the free modern thinker
who keeps up with the times.
Now, what do you think?
Ew.
Maybe we should
all get some rest
and figure a way out
for Sophia tomorrow.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Dorothy, can we
look in on Sophia, too?
She is like a mother to us.
I think she'd like
that. Here's the key.
I've been thinking
about what we should do
in case they do send Sophia off.
What, appeal?
No, a party, a prison party.
I made a list of all the
men we should invite.
We'll be like the judges.
"I sentence you to ten
minutes with me on the lanai."
See, some can be convicts
and some can be guards...
What are you looking at?
I just cannot believe how
much you think about men.
Well, hey, men are an
important part of my life.
Not just my life.
They're an important
part of all our lives.
Seems like hardly a day goes
by here there's not an incident
about some man that we're dating
or used to date or want to date.
Pussycat, I'm going out with my
friends. Can you give me some money?
What happened to the
money I gave you last night?
Let's see, 10 bucks
went for cover charge,
10 bucks went for
a round of drinks,
and the other 10
went into the G-string
of a very cute male
dancer named Mr. Big.
I know that guy.
That's just a stage name.
So, Ted, did I hear someone
say you were a doctor?
He's not just a doctor.
He happens to be one of the
top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.
Get out of here. He's
also heavy into real estate.
It's nothing much, really. I
just own a few mini-malls.
Oh, your wife must
be very proud of you.
Actually, we're divorced.
Oh, I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.
Hello, girls. Dorothy, Rose,
you all remember Laszlo.
Of course. Laszlo, the
artist from your museum.
Oh, we really enjoyed your
lecture on modern sculpture.
I didn't think anyone
was paying attention.
We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.
She even talked about
taking up sculpting.
Really, Dorothy?
Oh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said you'd
like to help him mold his clay
or buff his marble anytime.
Rose, you're such a kidder.
What is sex, after all?
Two clunky old bodies thrashing
around against each other...
like animals.
You get all sweaty and flushed.
Your hair gets mussed.
You lose your breath.
You lose your earrings.
Your mouth waters.
Your nose runs.
Your heart races.
Your blood races.
Rose? Say it, Ernie.
It's time, Rose.
Check, please!
I'm not saying I want
her to go to prison.
I'm saying if she
goes to prison,
we have the theme for the party.
Girls, do I have news for you.
Rose, where have you been?
Trying to get hold of the fire
inspector who inspected Shady Pines.
I wanted to double-check there
wasn't anything wrong with the building.
And? And get this.
They said the inspector quit
three days after
the Shady Pines fire.
It seems he mysteriously
came into some money
and moved to an exclusive
Palm Beach neighborhood.
Do you know what that means?
Rose, of course I
know what this means.
Then will you explain it to me?
It all sounded suspicious,
but I couldn't quite
piece it together.
Rose, you nitwit, that means
the guy was probably on the take.
Oh, I told you everything
would be fine, Ma.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have a
getting-out-of-prison party.
See, everybody can pretend they've
been locked up for about three years
and they have all this
pent-up sexual energy.
Everybody's all pumped up because
all you ever do in prison is lift weights,
so we'll get all those muscle
guys with homemade tattoos...
What are you looking at?
You did a good job, but let's not
forget there still has to be a trial,
and Mrs. Heartgrove's
confession is pretty strong.
I just wish we had something
that reflected on her credibility.
What if we had a video of her and
a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?
That would totally
discredit her.
Wait a minute. I just
remembered who the friend was.
Can't use it. Moving on.
If you think of anything
else, please give me a call.
I have to be at the
courthouse at a quarter to three.
♪ There's no one in the
place except you and me ♪
That's what we were
singing that night.
We were having a
couple of Nyquil shooters
and singing "One For My Baby."
I remember. Ma, you do?
Yeah. I heard a
smoke alarm, looked up,
and saw flames
coming out of the heater.
Maria was confused.
I grabbed her and the
hot plate and ran out.
It was the heater. Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.
You dig up that hot plate,
Sophia, we'll go to the D.A.
I think we've got enough evidence
to get these charges dropped.
Ma, I am so proud of you.
Now, honey, if you could just
remember where you left the hot plate.
I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.
What's that smell?
(alarm beeping)
My God. That's the smoke
alarm in Sophia's room.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah. Anyone for s'mores?
Well, Sophia, how's
it feel to be home?
I feel like a free man.
Well, you didn't
actually go to jail.
OK, forget the free
part. I feel like a man.
I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying
for a thick steak smothered in onions,
a tall cold one, then going out
and picking up a couple of - Ma.
Can I tell you something,
Pussycat? What?
I've never been so scared.
Not so much of jail.
It was not being
here with all of you.
Only seeing you for ten
minutes a day on visitors' day.
That's not enough time
for Rose to get one of her
St. Olaf stories off the runway.
All I'm trying to say is, maybe
you're not much, but you're all I've got.
Am I crying, Pussycat? No, Ma.
I guess it wasn't as
touching as I thought.
Oh, Ma, I'm just glad
everything worked out.
I never want to have
to go through that again.
Oh, I knew it would all be OK.
Rose, I think you
deserve a lot of the credit.
You were smart enough to
double-check on that fire inspector.
Yes. I'm proud of you, Rose.
Hey, you make it sound like
it's the only smart thing I ever did.
I'll have you know I've done a
lot of smart things over the years.
Remember?
♪ Traveled down the
road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card
attached would say
♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪
Hi, girls. Oh, Rose, I
missed you at breakfast.
Did you and Miles
have fun last night?
Oh, yes. We had dinner at
the Mandarin Rathskeller,
that new Chinese-German
restaurant.
How was it? Oh,
the food was good.
But an hour later, Miles
and I were both hungry.
For power.
(laughing)
(doorbell rings)
Oh, my, that provincial
Midwestern sense of humor...
that everybody hates.
Yes? Hello. I'm Detective
Parres, Dade County P.D.
Does a Sophia
Petrillo reside here?
This is my mother.
Is there a problem?
I'd just like to ask
a few questions.
I've got nothing
to hide, copper.
Or do you prefer
"flatfoot" or "gumshoe"?
Before my mother
lost it completely,
she watched a lot
of James Cagney.
They colorized him.
Can you believe it?
Let the man rest.
He's got hair the color of Rose's
and more rouge than Blanche.
Whatever you think she
did, she's guilty. I saw her.
Please sit down.
Mrs. Petrillo,
where were you on the
night of September 4th, 1985?
Did you see Awakenings?
Throw a ball at me.
How the hell should I know?
I don't even remember what
color underwear I'm wearing.
Ma, the beginning of September.
That's when Shady
Pines burned down
and you came
here to live with us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm not wearing underpants.
Mrs. Petrillo,
were you acquainted with
the late Maria Heartgrove?
She died? Good
riddance. God rest her soul.
We have a deathbed
confession from her
stating that the two of you
started the Shady Pines fire.
Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do?
She claimed that on
the night of the fire,
the two of you were in
your room cooking s'mores.
Nonsense. I don't even
know what s'mores are.
You remember, Sophia.
They're those little toasted graham
cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
Marshmallow. Don't
forget the marshmallow.
Whoops.
In her deposition,
Mrs. Heartgrove said
that you were in possession
of an illegal hot plate,
and while you were cooking,
the curtains caught on fire.
Then you panicked and fled,
and the fire continued unchecked.
Now wait just a
minute. This is crazy.
Do you have any proof?
Did anybody find
that alleged hot plate?
Presumably it
was lost in the fire.
Maria was just out to get me.
She was always jealous
because I still had my own hair.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo.
I have no choice
but to bring you in
on a charge of negligent arson.
My mother is 85
years old. Surely you -
I'm sorry. The law
recognizes no age limits.
Mrs. Petrillo,
you're under arrest.
Well, all's well that
ends well. What?
It's a title of a
Shakespeare play.
Rose, nothing is well,
and nothing has ended.
Sophia's out on
bail, awaiting her trial.
Well, if Dorothy had said
it, you'd think it was brilliant.
So this is life on the outside.
It's changed.
You've all gotten so old.
Ma, knock it off. You
were gone an hour.
If anyone's upset,
it should be me.
I had to dig up the bail money.
Please. How do
you put a price tag
on getting your mother back?
What was it, $500? 5000.
Wow. I better improve
my attitude around here.
(doorbell rings)
Well, Herb, here
you are. Hi. Hi.
Girls, this is Herb
Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
So, what are my
chances, shyster?
Or do you prefer
"ambulance chaser"?
Ma, he's here to help
you. Are you nuts?
If it helps.
Well, the trial is set
for a month from now,
so I'm going to need
some character witnesses.
Maybe you should
start by interviewing me.
I would make a
wonderful witness.
I can't tell you how many times
I've been badgered by lawyers.
Well, I could, but it
might sound like boasting.
Oh, the stories I
could tell you about me.
You're not gonna
believe this, but I...
I shall become a
great Southern writer,
carrying on the tradition
of the other great
Southern writers like...
uh...
all those that are so famous
they need not be mentioned.
Oh, girls, it's gonna be so
exciting. I am gonna make a fortune.
And I won't even have
to use my imagination.
My life is a romance novel.
Your life is a sports page.
Listen. Tell me I can't do
better than this in my sleep.
"He grabbed her.
"She could feel his fingers
pressing into her moist flesh.
"Her heart was
pounding, her loins on fire
as he spun her around,
her dress ripping open..."
You know how many
times I've experienced that?
Your loins have been on fire?
Yes.
"She melted into his -"
Where exactly are your loins?
Rose, it doesn't
matter. Just listen.
"She melted into his arms,
faint now with the
animal musk of him..."
I didn't know people had loins.
I've heard of
loin of pork, but...
In her case, the same thing.
Isn't this exciting -
taking part in a protest?
Standing up as free Americans
and exercising our right to say,
"We're mad as hell and we're
not gonna take it anymore."
I'm out of spit. Can I go now?
20 envelopes and
you're ready to quit?
We joined the Friends of
Sea Mammals for a reason.
You are so unmotivated.
Well, when I joined this
Mammals With Blowholes thing...
I didn't expect to be carrying
picket signs on some grungy dock.
I was hoping more for a
fund-raiser cocktail party
with Chinese lanterns
and Portuguese -
no, Hispanic waiters
in tight black pants.
And we hire a band
to play fish songs
in pirate suits with
muscles bulging.
Your mouth is watering
now, Blanche. Keep licking.
Herb, I'm aware of
how important it is
to make a good
impression in court.
Tell me, what do you think
would move the jury more -
cleavage or a lot of leg?
That depends on
what you're going for -
a chuckle or a guffaw.
Blanche, I think a conservative
ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.
Oh, there'll be music?
Ma, where you going?
If he puts you three on
the stand, up the river.
Ma, what are you
doing up? I can't sleep.
I keep trying to think back
on that night at Shady Pines.
And? And we're
out of toilet paper.
I told you, Dorothy, I
can't remember a thing.
Just because your
memory is fuzzy
doesn't mean that you're guilty.
Doesn't mean I'm
innocent, either. Ma!
Let's face it. I've done some
pretty peculiar things in my day.
Of course, I've got an excuse.
I'm an old lady. I left
my mind in the '60s.
Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
They're in your
mouth, Ma. I know that.
Don't they look good today?
I ran them through
the dishwasher.
Ma, listen to me.
You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.
Morning, Blanche.
Morning, Ma. You sleep well?
No. I had that
recurring nightmare,
the one where I'm in bed with
Warren Beatty and he says,
"Sorry, this is too
sick, even for me."
Well, now I know why
Hemingway killed himself.
Oh, girls, I have
writer's block.
It is the worst
feeling in the world.
Try ten days without a
bowel movement sometime.
You just sit there, hour
after hour after hour.
Tell me about it.
Frisk me. Oh, Ma, stop
that. What are you doing?
Just frisk me. Frisk me.
It's important practice for
me if I'm going to prison.
Ma, you are not going to prison.
Now think back.
Shady Pines.
What was the last
thing that you remember
before that fire?
Meat loaf.
Nine days in a row.
Their only witness is dead.
That ought to work in our favor.
Dorothy, that hot
plate was mine.
I made s'mores all the time.
I hated Shady Pines.
I can't remember,
but I know I did it.
I must have.
I'm goin' to prison.
Ma won't come out of
her room. She's miserable.
Just to keep me up
to speed, Dorothy -
it's this negligent arson rap
and the prospect of spending the rest
of her waning years in jail thing, right?
No, it's the "Rose
in the kitchen" thing.
I just hate to see
Sophia so unhappy.
I wish there was something we
could do to make her feel better.
I mean, we're always there
when we need each other.
You know, if I have a
problem, Rose is there for me,
and if Dorothy has a
problem, I'm there for her.
I wish I knew what to do.
All right. All right. I
can pick up a cue.
Picture it.
Sicily, 1912.
A beautiful young peasant
girl with clear olive skin
meets an exciting but
penniless Spanish artist.
There's an instant attraction.
They laugh, they sing,
they slam down a
few boilermakers.
Shortly afterwards,
he's arrested
for showing her how he can hold
his palette without using his hands.
But I digress.
He paints her portrait, and
they make passionate love.
She spends much of the next day
in the shower with a loofah sponge
scrubbing his
fingerprints off her body.
She sees the portrait
and is insulted -
it looks nothing like her -
and she storms
out of his life forever.
That peasant girl was me
and that painter
was Pablo Picasso.
Ma, I have a feeling you're
lying. Be positive, Dorothy.
OK, I'm positive you're lying.
This is terrible.
Trick move from your
checkers-by-mail partner?
No, it's from the company
Charlie worked for.
They've gone bankrupt and
so has their pension fund.
I'm not gonna be getting
pension checks anymore.
I can't afford to live
without that pension.
Let's not panic. I'm sure
they can't just cut you off.
She's right. There has
to be a good explanation.
You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
What if it's not? What if
I can't pay my own way?
What if I can't afford food?
What if I have to sleep
outside in some park?
There's an old Italian
saying for times like this.
Scappa. Tu si mal fortuna.
What does that mean?
Get away from
me. You're bad luck.
OK, that's it. Drink this.
It's a secret potion
from the old country
guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it. Slowly.
That's right, down the hatch.
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
Now, you might
feel a slight tingling,
but believe me, you'll
sleep like a baby.
I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me?
Sophia!
Oh, I just had a
terrible thought.
What if, in some weird way,
all this was true
and Ma went to jail?
Oh, my God.
This is very important, Rose.
It might take a couple of hours,
so relax and get comfortable.
The last time someone said that
to me, I had two pigs on my back
and I was pushing a wheelbarrow.
Why?
To relax and get comfortable.
OK, now, where should I begin?
Let's see. I think the one
thing you need to know is
that I'm the one around
here with the level head,
the real voice of reason.
I haven't been this
scared since 1952
when St. Olaf's
most active volcano
threatened to erupt.
Luckily there were some
Druid priests who were in town
for the opening of
Stonehengeland.
They said they could stop it
if they could sacrifice
the town's dumbest virgin.
I don't know why
I raised my hand.
It must have just been the
excitement of the moment.
But they said the only
way to prevent the eruption
was for me to crawl through
their legs up the volcano
while they gave me
my birthday whacks.
Well - and you're not
gonna believe this -
it turns out they weren't
Druid priests at all,
just a bunch of Shriners
looking for a good time.
All creatures must
learn to coexist.
Back where I come from, they do.
That's why the brown
bear and the field mouse
can share their lives
and live in harmony.
'Course, they can't mate
or the mice would explode.
You want me to drive tonight,
Dorothy? Oh, Rose, listen.
I'm not going to
the meeting tonight.
Oh? How come? I'm
not comfortable there.
I'm not comfortable with the
people, with the whole thing.
But you need the
group support, Dorothy.
It's not a good
idea to go it alone.
Did I ever tell you about
my cousin Vigdov Frickin?
He tried to go it alone
in a three-legged race.
Well, you know what
happened to him?
Please. Please, Rose!
I don't want to hear
about your Frickin cousin.
That was very interesting, Rose,
but now that I've heard you,
I think I'll probably
just plead insanity.
You look perfectly sane to me.
High praise indeed.
Pussycat, when I go to trial,
will you be a character
witness for me,
tell them I'm sweet and cute
and don't have it
in me to harm a fly?
What, you want me
to perjure myself?
Basically.
Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank you for trying to
cheer me up, Pussycat.
You're always there
for me. I appreciate that.
We're there for each other.
I don't know of any other
mothers and daughters
who have gone through half
of what we've gone through.
I can't tell you how much it
meant to me when you and I...
Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Who are you? I'm the doctor.
We'll see about that.
Look, Mrs...
Petrillo. I'm Dorothy's mother.
I wanna know
what's wrong with her.
Don't tell me "nothing," because I
know there's something wrong with her.
Mothers know. Look, Ma,
I'll talk to you about it later.
Your daughter is
fine, Mrs. Petrillo.
100%? 100%.
Tip-top? Tip-top.
Then, Mr. 100% Tip-top,
why the hell does
she feel like hell?
Look, Ma... Wait.
I gotta hear this.
It could be
functional. Functional?
Mental.
Mental.
Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. 100% Tip-top Mental,
my daughter may
be no spring chicken
and her jaw might
crack when she chews...
and she may have
noticeable trouble
digesting raw vegetables,
but one thing
she's not is mental.
Thanks, Ma.
OK, girls, I'm ready.
Well, Rose, do I look like
the mayor of Palm Springs?
Doug Henning is the
mayor of Palm Springs?
Just play the music, Rose.
(♪ "I Got You Babe"
by Sonny Bono)
♪ They say we're
young and we don't know
♪ We won't find
out until we grow
♪ I don't know
if all that's true
♪ But you got me
and, baby, I got you
♪ Babe ♪ I got you, babe
♪ I got you, babe ♪
You know, Ma, I guess we
do have a good relationship.
It's always been good.
I know we never did some of
those mother/daughter things -
baking cookies, dressing alike,
braiding each other's hair.
Yeah, but wasn't it great
making fun of those who did?
It sure was.
But come on, Ma.
The truth is, we have
done our share of fighting.
Of course we
fight. We're Italian.
We like to fight. It's
our way of showing love.
Though I don't know if there
was a lot of love that time that we...
Hi, Ma. Gimme your watch.
Sure. What do you want it for?
I'm working on a magic act
for the talent show at the center.
Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.
Ma! Relax.
Dorothy, was your
card the ace of spades?
Ma, what the hell
are you talking about?
I think I got chapters
seven and nine mixed up.
Ohh.
This watch is broken.
Ma, Stan gave me that
watch when we got married.
The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch?
I waited up for you
until two in the morning,
and you still weren't home.
Oh, yeah. Gertie and
I and some of the girls
went to Wolfie's
to pick up guys.
I called Wolfie's at
11. You weren't there.
Guess who got lucky. Oh, God!
What can I tell you?
A couple of egg creams,
the bright fluorescent lights
and a retired jeweler
named Shlomo
all conspired to make
a night of enchantment.
Not for me.
I can't tell you some of
the horrible thoughts I had
about what might
have happened to you.
Although none as horrible
as what you just described.
Ah, there you are.
Ma, I scheduled the
appointment for your checkup.
Ma, you know you
have to have a physical.
What do you want me to do - take you
to court, have you declared incompetent?
I'm not incompetent.
Once when I laughed too
hard, I had a little accident.
I guess we do have a strange
way of showing our affection.
Oh, Ma, I'm glad to
see you've cheered up,
but why are you walking down
memory lane all of a sudden?
It's just that I may
not see you for a while.
Ma, they can't prove that you
started that fire at Shady Pines,
and you are not going to jail.
You can't be sure
of that, Pussycat,
so I'm doing what I have to do.
I'm jumping bail and
moving back to Sicily.
Oh, hi, Ma. How was your nap?
Nap? I didn't take a
nap. I'm a nervous wreck.
How could I sleep a wink with this
prison thing hanging over my head?
Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.
Oh, I guess I did take a nap.
Ma, I don't know
why you're nervous.
You are not going to prison.
I feel like I am in prison, with you
keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.
Are you gonna keep doing
that for the rest of my life?
No, only until you give up this
ridiculous idea about leaving the country.
I'm not skipping
bail. I'd never make it.
Every cab driver, waitress and
skycap between here and Sicily
would be only too
eager to talk to the police.
Why do you say
that? I under-tip.
Look, Ma, I know you're nervous,
but Herb is a brilliant lawyer,
and, honey, you have the
love and support of all of us.
Is there anything I can
get you from the kitchen?
Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.
How's Sophia?
She's over that crazy
idea about Sicily,
but she's still very
concerned about going to jail.
Well, who wouldn't be?
It's a terrifying
prospect to think about.
Prison. The coldness
of it, the steel bars,
the wedges of cheese
hanging overhead,
tantalizingly just out of reach.
Let me guess - St.
Olaf County Jail?
And deli.
Look, we have to do
everything we can to help Ma.
Now, the three of us have
got to put our heads together
and try to figure
out for certain
how that fire got started.
You're so right, Dorothy. And we
can start by ruling out the obvious.
Does Sophia have any friends who
are or ever have been circus fire-eaters?
No.
Would she like to meet some?
Don't you worry. Now we'll
get to the bottom of this.
Lord knows we've worked our
way out of tight spots before.
Who was it who
got us into that...
Oh, just a minute,
now I remember.
Come on, it's worth a try.
It's either we sing or he sings.
Oh, all right.
♪ Boom ♪
♪ Boom ♪
Well? Well, what?
After my boom comes
your boom and then yours,
until we're all booming.
How complicated
is that herring thing?
♪ Boom
♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
♪ Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Then tell him that his
lonesome nights are over
(baby cries)
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
♪ Mr. Sandman ♪ Yes?
♪ Bring me a dream
♪ Make him the
cutest that I've ever seen
♪ Give him the word
that I'm not a rover
♪ And tell him that his
lonesome nights are over
♪ Mr. Sandman ♪ I'm so alone ♪
Boy, you guys really stink.
Look, I'm not going out
with him. You go, Blanche.
What?! You like him. I
know you do. So you go.
Well, I couldn't. Of
course she couldn't.
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
Well, why not? It's
all over between us.
He'll know that tonight.
Well, it's impossible.
I'd feel like a...
I'd feel like a...
A back-stabbing slut?
No.
Then please go, for me.
I'd feel better knowing
this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you
put it that way...
But only as a personal
favor to you, honey.
Well, I guess I'd
better go get dressed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Can you believe that
back-stabbing slut?
Well, now that we know we
can work our way out of jams,
exactly how are we gonna
work our way out of this one?
There's one thing we could do.
We could get something to eat.
Can we concentrate? It seems
like all we ever do around here is eat.
Maybe it's all you ever do.
Oh, excuse me.
I forgot about all those
other appetites you satisfy
before going to the fridge.
My life is more than
just sex and food.
I take care of this house.
Why, just the other day we had a
leak, and the gas man came out.
Oh, no, wait a minute. I
guess that falls under sex.
And you did fix him a
sandwich afterwards.
Oh, yeah.
I guess sex and food
are a big part of our lives.
In fact, just recently - last
summer, or last spring?
It's so hard to
remember which...
Why does it have to be so hard?
The hardest part for me
was explaining to my Kirsten
the difference
between boys and girls.
I knew the time had come,
but I kept putting it off.
Finally, I decided it was time
to take the bull by the horns.
So you told her? No. I
took the bull by the horns,
turned him around and showed
her what makes a bull a bull.
You are kidding, Rose.
No. That's how my
mother taught me.
Honey, didn't that give
you a false impression
about what a man
would look like?
It sure did.
Can you imagine my surprise
on my wedding night with Charlie?
Boy, that bull would
have been jealous.
Rose, quite
frankly, I don't get it.
What is this hold that
Buzz has over you?
I know exactly what
she's going through.
First love can be very powerful.
I felt the same way
about Heyward Boyle,
the star pitcher on our
high school baseball team.
Oh, an amazing athlete.
That boy had
exceptional control.
He was always
up for extra innings.
And his delivery. Oh -
All right, Blanche. Enough!
Yeah. We get it.
So, what was he like in bed?
I have to agree with
Blanche on this one.
Half the fun is
in getting there.
Boy, did your
father and I have fun
trying for you.
Ma, I don't think I
want to hear this.
I wasn't gonna tell
you until you're 60,
but I think you
can handle it now.
We lived in New York.
There was the San
Gennaro Festival every year.
Your father - may he rest
in peace until I get there -
got so turned on by
the festivities one year
he couldn't wait
till we got home.
Oh, Ma.
So he took me -
right there behind the
sausage and pepper stand.
Hey, we were behind
the garbage cans.
It's not like we were
in front of everybody.
I can relate to the
festivities part, Sophia.
All our children were conceived
on special St. Olaf holidays.
Adam was conceived on
the Day of the Princess Pig
when they had the pig crowning,
and Ginella was
conceived on Hay Day.
That's the day we St.
Olafians celebrate hay.
Rose, do you think
you could wrap this up
before Rebecca goes into labor?
Then there was the
Day of the Wheat,
when everybody came to
town dressed as sandwiches.
Charlie and I forgot to
put cheese between us,
and before I knew
it, there was Kirsten.
Look, Blanche, what
Rebecca is doing
is really not so terrible.
Look, among the four of us,
each of us conceived our
children in a different way.
I was totally unconscious.
When I came to, there was Stan
carving a notch
in his dashboard.
I never bought that
unconscious story.
I swear. He must have
slipped me something.
Apparently.
Those stories made me hungry.
They made me horny.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we call the pizza guy?
See, we both win.
(phone rings)
Hello?
What?
Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.
They caught her trying to
buy a ticket out of the country.
Can you believe Ma,
trying to go to Sicily
on my credit card?
She would've made it, too,
if her chef's knife hadn't
shown up on the scanner.
You want to know
something crazy?
I actually feel
responsible for this.
If I'd never checked
her into Shady Pines,
she never would have
made those s'mores,
there never would
have been a fire,
and none of this
would have happened.
Hey, when you look at it
like that, you are responsible.
Yeah, I never had
thought about it that way.
You know, it is like they're trying
the wrong person. It is your fault.
Wait a second, girls.
Can you imagine being the
one to put your mother in jail?
It was just a theory.
Follow that lady to Guilt City.
Now stop it, now stop it. Look,
nobody is to blame for this.
She's rationalizing.
Instead of pointing fingers,
I thought we were gonna
try to find a way out of this.
Well, we certainly are
in the right place for it.
The kitchen - Crisis Central.
Yeah, we sure have solved
a lot of problems in this room.
I mean, a lot.
Dorothy, it wasn't
that long ago that you...
Oh, it's you. I thought maybe
Sophia had come home.
Oh, no. She'll be
back in the morning.
She's trying to teach me a
lesson. I know my mother.
Oh, really? You're the one who said
she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.
Dorothy, it's not just
your mother who left.
I feel like she's
my mother, too.
I know, but don't
worry. She'll be back.
Now that she's gone, who am I
gonna go to in the middle of the night
with my deepest
personal problems?
Wait a minute. You went to my
mother's room in the middle of the night?
Many, many times. Two
or three times a week.
And she was always
so kind and comforting.
I don't understand. Every time
I'd knock on her door late at night,
she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas."
Sophia doesn't have
a TV in her room.
I know.
Then, after we finished talking,
she'd always give me a piece of
hard candy and a kiss good night.
I can't sleep.
And what's worse, I went to
Sophia's room for one of our talks...
and then I remembered she
left, thanks to you, Dorothy.
You had late-night talks
with my mother? All the time.
And she gave you hard candy?
No. I'd ask, but she was
always afraid I'd choke on it.
Why didn't somebody
tell me it was dinnertime?
Ma, it's not dinner, it's
the middle of the night.
Good. Then I'm dressed for it.
Blanche is upset.
Well, you would be, too, if your
daughter - Oh, I can't even say it.
What could have happened?
The two of you
were getting so close.
My little girl is gonna have a
baby by artificial insemination.
I just can't bear
to think about it.
I'm just being silly, aren't I?
For God's sake,
somebody say something.
Ew!
Big help.
Dorothy, what about you? You're
the sensible one around here,
the free modern thinker
who keeps up with the times.
Now, what do you think?
Ew.
Maybe we should
all get some rest
and figure a way out
for Sophia tomorrow.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Dorothy, can we
look in on Sophia, too?
She is like a mother to us.
I think she'd like
that. Here's the key.
I've been thinking
about what we should do
in case they do send Sophia off.
What, appeal?
No, a party, a prison party.
I made a list of all the
men we should invite.
We'll be like the judges.
"I sentence you to ten
minutes with me on the lanai."
See, some can be convicts
and some can be guards...
What are you looking at?
I just cannot believe how
much you think about men.
Well, hey, men are an
important part of my life.
Not just my life.
They're an important
part of all our lives.
Seems like hardly a day goes
by here there's not an incident
about some man that we're dating
or used to date or want to date.
Pussycat, I'm going out with my
friends. Can you give me some money?
What happened to the
money I gave you last night?
Let's see, 10 bucks
went for cover charge,
10 bucks went for
a round of drinks,
and the other 10
went into the G-string
of a very cute male
dancer named Mr. Big.
I know that guy.
That's just a stage name.
So, Ted, did I hear someone
say you were a doctor?
He's not just a doctor.
He happens to be one of the
top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.
Get out of here. He's
also heavy into real estate.
It's nothing much, really. I
just own a few mini-malls.
Oh, your wife must
be very proud of you.
Actually, we're divorced.
Oh, I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.
Hello, girls. Dorothy, Rose,
you all remember Laszlo.
Of course. Laszlo, the
artist from your museum.
Oh, we really enjoyed your
lecture on modern sculpture.
I didn't think anyone
was paying attention.
We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.
She even talked about
taking up sculpting.
Really, Dorothy?
Oh, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did. You said you'd
like to help him mold his clay
or buff his marble anytime.
Rose, you're such a kidder.
What is sex, after all?
Two clunky old bodies thrashing
around against each other...
like animals.
You get all sweaty and flushed.
Your hair gets mussed.
You lose your breath.
You lose your earrings.
Your mouth waters.
Your nose runs.
Your heart races.
Your blood races.
Rose? Say it, Ernie.
It's time, Rose.
Check, please!
I'm not saying I want
her to go to prison.
I'm saying if she
goes to prison,
we have the theme for the party.
Girls, do I have news for you.
Rose, where have you been?
Trying to get hold of the fire
inspector who inspected Shady Pines.
I wanted to double-check there
wasn't anything wrong with the building.
And? And get this.
They said the inspector quit
three days after
the Shady Pines fire.
It seems he mysteriously
came into some money
and moved to an exclusive
Palm Beach neighborhood.
Do you know what that means?
Rose, of course I
know what this means.
Then will you explain it to me?
It all sounded suspicious,
but I couldn't quite
piece it together.
Rose, you nitwit, that means
the guy was probably on the take.
Oh, I told you everything
would be fine, Ma.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have a
getting-out-of-prison party.
See, everybody can pretend they've
been locked up for about three years
and they have all this
pent-up sexual energy.
Everybody's all pumped up because
all you ever do in prison is lift weights,
so we'll get all those muscle
guys with homemade tattoos...
What are you looking at?
You did a good job, but let's not
forget there still has to be a trial,
and Mrs. Heartgrove's
confession is pretty strong.
I just wish we had something
that reflected on her credibility.
What if we had a video of her and
a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?
That would totally
discredit her.
Wait a minute. I just
remembered who the friend was.
Can't use it. Moving on.
If you think of anything
else, please give me a call.
I have to be at the
courthouse at a quarter to three.
♪ There's no one in the
place except you and me ♪
That's what we were
singing that night.
We were having a
couple of Nyquil shooters
and singing "One For My Baby."
I remember. Ma, you do?
Yeah. I heard a
smoke alarm, looked up,
and saw flames
coming out of the heater.
Maria was confused.
I grabbed her and the
hot plate and ran out.
It was the heater. Are you sure?
Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.
You dig up that hot plate,
Sophia, we'll go to the D.A.
I think we've got enough evidence
to get these charges dropped.
Ma, I am so proud of you.
Now, honey, if you could just
remember where you left the hot plate.
I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.
What's that smell?
(alarm beeping)
My God. That's the smoke
alarm in Sophia's room.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah. Anyone for s'mores?
Well, Sophia, how's
it feel to be home?
I feel like a free man.
Well, you didn't
actually go to jail.
OK, forget the free
part. I feel like a man.
I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying
for a thick steak smothered in onions,
a tall cold one, then going out
and picking up a couple of - Ma.
Can I tell you something,
Pussycat? What?
I've never been so scared.
Not so much of jail.
It was not being
here with all of you.
Only seeing you for ten
minutes a day on visitors' day.
That's not enough time
for Rose to get one of her
St. Olaf stories off the runway.
All I'm trying to say is, maybe
you're not much, but you're all I've got.
Am I crying, Pussycat? No, Ma.
I guess it wasn't as
touching as I thought.
Oh, Ma, I'm just glad
everything worked out.
I never want to have
to go through that again.
Oh, I knew it would all be OK.
Rose, I think you
deserve a lot of the credit.
You were smart enough to
double-check on that fire inspector.
Yes. I'm proud of you, Rose.
Hey, you make it sound like
it's the only smart thing I ever did.
I'll have you know I've done a
lot of smart things over the years.
Remember?