The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 23 - Love for Sale - full transcript

Stan wins a date with Dorothy at a charity auction.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(timer dings)

I'm not happy with
my zabagliones.

Maybe you just
need a push-up bra.

Blanche, zabaglione is a
traditional Italian dessert.

It's my Uncle Angelo's favorite.

Yeah, my brother.

He's quite the

Even I don't know that one.

That wasn't a word.
My dentures slipped.

Ma, Uncle Angelo's
plane lands at 4:00.

You have plenty of time to
make a fresh batch before then.

Good, because these aren't
fit for human consumption.

Top of the morning, sunshines.

Hey, Rose, try one of these.

Oh, no thanks.

I'm doing what we
all should be doing -

dieting for the bachelorette
auction next Saturday.

Not all of us.

I told you, Rose, count me out.

Even if it is for charity,

I am not gonna stand up there and allow
myself to be sold to the highest bidder

like some Holstein cow

at a livestock auction.

Dorothy, livestock don't get

chauffeur-driven limousine rides

to fancy four-star restaurants

and the symphony afterwards.

Except during St.
Olaf Bicentennial Day.

Rose, I am not
going. It is degrading.

Don't be a stick-in-the-mud.

It's for the
Children's Hospital.

If you can't degrade yourself
for a bunch of sick kids,

who can you
degrade yourself for?

Listen to this. Eleanor
Roosevelt in a garter belt.

Now, you can't tell
us that a part of you

isn't at least a little excited.

Remember last year's auction?

That rush of euphoria when
the auctioneer calls out "Sold!"

and you fall into the arms
of your valiant Galahad?

My Galahad was a balloon
salesman named Sid.

Well, hey,

who knew that sawed-off little
gnome would outbid a Navy admiral?

And a fire chief.

And that jeweler who was a dead
ringer for Mr. Richard Widmark.

That was a year ago. How
do you remember all this?

I tagged 'em for
migratory purposes.

Dorothy, come on.
The auction needs you.

The children need you.

Please, won't you reconsider?

Oh, all right! It's
only one night.

I'll go, but I'll tell
you, I really hate this.

Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon
man couldn't have been that terrible.

I got the feeling I was
the man's first date

that wasn't inflatable.

Hey, I have an idea.

Dorothy just did
something really nice for us.

Why don't we do
something nice for her?

Why don't we buy her a man?

Well, I'm in, and I
know just the person.

Free every Saturday night...
Oh, wait, that's a woman.

Oh, wait, that's Dorothy.

No, I meant for the auction,

so she won't get stuck
with another loser.

Rose, that's not a bad idea.

We were all gonna
donate money anyway.

We could chip in, say, 50 bucks

and buy her the
bull of the ball.

Oh, but who do we
know who knows a man?

Blanche, you know
hundreds of men.

I know. I just like
to hear you say it.

(doorbell rings)

Hiya, sweetie pie. How ya doin'?

Fine, cupcake.
Thanks for asking.

(doorbell rings)

(Stan) Dorothy, I
know you're in there.

(chuckles) You always
could slam a door.

That's one of the
things I love about you.

You flatter me.

Wait, wait. Dorothy,
I have to talk to you.

This wouldn't happen
to be an apology

for ruining our
wedding, would it?

No, just something I thought
I should tell you in person.

Remember my Uncle Morris?

Dorothy, he died.

Boy, you smell good.
Get away from me.

No, no, no. You
don't understand.

Something wonderful
has happened.

In his will, Uncle Morris left us
an apartment building - jointly.

We're partners.

Don't you see, Dorothy?

We'll be together, and we'll
have a place of our own.

Oh, God, he's
proposing to her again.

Will one of you raise
your standards, please?!

Sophia, I'm not proposing.

I'm here because Dorothy and I
just inherited an apartment building.

We're gonna be
landlords together.

It's not a very big building, but she'll
still clear a couple hundred bucks a month.

Dorothy, this is wonderful.

With that kind of money, we can
hire a really good-lookin' gardener.

Dorothy, it really does
sound like a great opportunity.

On Stan's behalf,

Charlie once made a
lot of money in business

with a partner who was also

a lousy, no-good, underhanded,
backstabbing worm.

Let me guess, Rose.

Ivan Boesky-Vanderfloovenhooven-

That's the louse.

So, um, what do you
say, babe? Partners?

Goodbye, Stan.

OK. I get the message.

I guess I'm just not a
person you want in your life.

3, 2, 1.

Am I?

Goodbye, Stan.

Can you believe this guy?

Like I would think for a minute
about being in business with him.

Nonsense, Dorothy.

You can't pass up a
chance to own real estate.

It's been a lifesaver for me.

You get a bunch of saps to pay
your mortgage for you every month

while your equity just
rises higher and higher,

while those poor suckers -

What I meant was...

it's a great opportunity
to make new friends.

Look who's here.

Ah, buon giorno, Rosa.

Ah, Blanche.

(Italian accent)
Oh, my goodness.

I haven't been hugged
so much since V-E Day.

Which was kinda tricky,
because as you know, we lost.

Angelo, you're even handsomer
than you were your last visit.

Thank you. I been plucking, eh?

See? I got two eyebrows now.

Everybody loves 'em.

You sit right down here, Angelo.

I got a surprise for you -
zabaglione. Your favorite.

Ah. Mmm.

(sobs) Sophia.

And that's the new batch.

I'm sorry. I cannot
pretend no more.

Uncle Angelo, what's wrong?

It's a long sad story,

a story of love, a
story of deception,

a story of a fool.

You know the story
of Elsie Holdenfelder?

Absolutely, Rose. That one's even
more popular in Europe than it is here.

I met a beautiful young
Sicilian aerobics instructor.

Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth

and a behind that must have
been made on a Saturday

because even the
good Lord himself

would want to take
a day off to admire it.

I lost my heart and I
opened my wallet, eh?

Oh dear, the expensive
gifts and fancy dinners

and weekends in Mykonos, eh?

I even wore one of those,
uh, tiny Speedo swimsuits,

shows all your
gingerbread and everything.

And she leaves me.

What does a 6'7" American
basketball player got that I don't?

Well, Angelo, speaking in
terms of the gingerbread alone...


Go ahead, Uncle Angelo.

Anyway, I spend so much money
on this girl, I forget about my business.

The bank foreclosed,
leaving me flat broke.

I got no savings,
no place to live.

And I gotta tell you,

a lot of women
find this a negative.

It's a family curse, this
obsession with women.

The men in our family are weak.

Why couldn't they all be
more like Cousin Antony?

Ma, Cousin Antony
had an obsession

with men in cowboy hats who
hung around Times Square.

What am I gonna do?

You're gonna
trust in your family,

because family is
there when you're down,

and family stops at nothing!
- Nothing to help one of their own.

Blanche, I want
my brother Angelo

to come here and live with us.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sophia. There's
just no room. Hey, I tried.

Wait a minute, Dorothy.
You're a landlord now.

Maybe there's a vacancy
in your new building.

Don't call it my building.

I don't even know if I'm
gonna hang on to it yet.

I I I understand.

Sophia, any mail I
get, just address it

"Guy in the Gutter, Post
Office Box Anywhere."

All right. All right, all
right, Uncle Angelo.

For the time being, I guess you
can use Uncle Morris' old apartment.

Oh, Dorothy, thank you so much.

My first apartment in America.

Here I will begin again.

Here I will start a new life.

Dorothy, my new life -

how close I'm gonna
start it to the beach?

Going once.

Going twice...

You still want to tell
me this isn't degrading?

Don't be ridiculous.
It's for charity.


For $4.

Well, it's degrading if you
don't hit double figures.

I really appreciate
your bidding on Dorothy.

It's for a good cause.

You'll be rewarded.

Not in this lifetime...

"Variety is the watchword
for our next bachelorette..."

Dorothy Zbornak.

Come on up, Dorothy.

This is perfect. The
way the bidding's going,

we won't be out more
than $20, $30 apiece.

"If Dorothy's not off
winging her way to Molokai

"to assist Father Damian
in his work with the lepers,

you can find her hang-gliding
high above the Florida Keys."

Rose, where did you get that?

From your mother.

Before she and I talked, I
wasn't aware of any of it.

"She's a scratch golfer who,
under President Jimmy Carter,

"served as the United
States Senate Majority Whip.

And she likes to read."

I figured, close with the truth.

It'll kind of anchor the rest.

I want to thank you
all for holding this event

on a night when my
hang glider is in the shop

and, uh, Congress is in recess

and the lepers are on Geraldo.

Go ahead, Rose.

Right, Dorothy.

All right. Now, let's
start the bidding at... $5.



Stanley, what are
you doing here?

I'm buying a date
with the woman I love.

Oh, jeez. Not in
front of people.


What the hell is he doing?
Didn't you give him a limit?

200! Security, have
this man removed.

He's a lonely male impersonator.

210! What?!

What is wrong with you?
The woman's been with lepers.


Stanley, stop it. I am
not going out with you.

I would rather be
bound and gagged

and left on an anthill
covered with honey.




Dorothy, I say that.

500! Sold!

She says that.

Rose, do something.

Sold! Sorry, Dorothy.

That's $500 for the
Children's Hospital.

I guess dreams
really can come true.

Dorothy, here's something
that'll get your mind off Stan.

According to my calculations,
allowing for overhead,

tonight brought in
a grand total of $50.

No, $500.5,000.


It's 5,000, Rose.

Decimal points
don't have six legs.

More than 10% of it
thanks to Dorothy here.

Oh, who's keeping score?

What's important is that
we made a lot of money.

Together we made a consid-

They were fighting
over me. Did you see it?

Well, Dorothy, to be
fair, one of 'em was Stan.

Do I sense a
tinge of envy there,

Miss "going, going,
gone" for 25.50?

You can't put a price
tag on beauty, Dorothy.

Oh, sure you can - 25.50.

Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. No, I'm
not blaming any of this on you.

It's all my fault for giving
Stan so many chances.

But I can't do this again.

I mean, how many times
can I make the same mistake?

How many times can you
bang your head against the wall

before it starts to bleed?


Believe me, Dorothy, I know
what you're going through.

I once had a relationship
with a man I couldn't get rid of.

Every time I turned around, there
he was, pathetically underfoot.

Long after I outgrew
my need for him,

he was there with flowers
and candy, perfume.

I couldn't move without him
following me like a puppy dog.

How'd you finally
get rid of him?

Monday came, and we
both had to go back to work.

Thank you, Blanche.
And thank you too, Rose.

What did I say? Nothing.

And I can't tell you
how much I appreciate it.

Ah, Dorothy, I want to talk
to you about my apartment.

Ah, I'm grateful. I
love where I live.

And the last thing I want to do is
come to you with every little problem.

And now your mother
would like to talk to you.

Dorothy, you're making my
brother live like a peasant.

He has no closet space.

Uncle Angelo, you
moved in with one suitcase.

What do you need
with more closets?

I don't like to talk about
my brother's personal life,

but a man brings a woman home,

how is he supposed to play a
decent game of hide and-go-seek?

Under the table,
behind the couch...

Bambi was on to me like that.

And then there's
the water pressure.

I got more water pressure
than this apartment.

And another thing - W-Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

Why is any of this
your business?

He's my brother.
Well, I'm your daughter.

Dorothy, I've known
you, what, 60 years?

Angelo I've known 85.

To tell you the truth, I
don't quite trust you yet.

Uncle Angelo, in
the past three days

you have complained about everything
in the apartment except the rent.

Reason being you don't pay any.

I told you she'd
throw it in our face.

And speaking of complaints,

what about that out-of
control housewarming party

that kept all the other
tenants awake until dawn?

The one I was not invited to?

That wasn't a party. That
was a quiet dinner for two.

Hi there, Angelo. Well, Rose
and I are ready for our date.

I just think it's so sweet the way
the mariachi band all chipped in

to go on a double
date with Rose and me.

(horn plays "La Cucaracha")

Here they are now.

Angelo, great
party the other night.

Yeah, you look great in a tux.

It wasn't your kind
of crowd, Pussycat.

That's funny. It's the
same excuse you used

when you didn't invite
me to my Sweet 16.

Now, that was a party.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, it's me Stan -
from the fund-raiser?

I remember. Come on in.

Uncle Angelo, Ma, I
hope you don't mind.

Stan and I are going to
go into the kitchen and talk.

Hey, great party the
other night, Angelo.

Stanley, I appreciate
you coming here tonight,

but I've decided I'm
not going out with you.

But I won the bidding at
the auction. I understand that.

But there's nothing you can
say to make me change my mind.

You owe me $500.
How about Thai food?

That sounds great.
Wait, wait, wait.

I said I'm not going to go,
and I am not going to go.

It's just that, well,

you have different
intentions than I do.

It's not my intentions,
it's God's intentions.

D-Do you think this
is all a coincidence?

I mean, look - your
uncle visits, my uncle dies.

Your uncle needs a place to
live, my uncle gives us a building.

Don't you see? God wants
us to be together, babe.

It's almost Biblical.

And thus he smote
your Uncle Morris, huh?

There's a whole school of thought
that says he's a wrathful God.

Yeah, well that would
explain your hair.

Stanley, pay attention.
No date tonight.

OK, I guess I'll just have to go
through my life without you in it.

Stanley, I am in it.
We're business partners.

That's the extent of
it. You understand?

OK. OK, I give up.
Business partners.

I understand. Can
we shake on it?

I need you, Dorothy! I want you!

Without you, I'm nothing.
Do you hear me? Nothing.

Stan, as much of a turn
on as this is, get off the floor.

I belong on the floor if I've
driven you out of my life.

From this moment on,
the floor is my home.



I can explain, Ma...
No need to, Pussycat.

Let's move quick
before the cops get here.

You wipe for fingerprints, I'll
get a shovel and a Hefty bag.


Oh, great. It figures you
couldn't finish the job.

I'm gonna go get the toaster.

Ow! Ow!

Sophia, I'm not dead. Not yet.

Would you slow down?
I'm an old woman!

Stan, I want no part
of any of this. I am out.

I am selling my half of
the building. Fine. I'm glad.

I'll tear the dump down and turn it into
office space for Zbornak, Incorporated.

Fine. Fine!

Don't blame me that it means
throwing your uncle out on the street.

Stan, that's blackmail.

But it's got a certain logic.

So, business partners?

I have no choice.

Business partners.

And dinner? Absolutely not.

Stanley, you claim that you
have changed. Well, so have I.

Stan, I have finally
come to realize

that no matter how hard you try,

you cannot fix something
that no longer works.

I've learned to let go, Stanley.

Dorothy... And you should, too.

I don't know if I can do it.

If that guy at the auction
had bid $6 million for you,

I don't care what I
would have had to do,

I would have come up
with six million and one.

You're my girl, Dorothy.
You always will be.

But if you want me to
go, then that's what I'll do.

You know, Pussycat -

3... 2... 1.

I can't believe it.

He's not coming back.

You OK?

Yeah, I think I'm OK.

No, no, I know I'm OK.

You know, Ma,
for the first time,

I feel that it's over,
that it's... really over.

Dorothy, forgive
me, but I gotta speak.

Sometimes it's harder
to close the door

than to open a window.

Oh, that's very
wise, Uncle Angelo.

Thank you.

Actually, I was talking
about the apartment,

but I'll take wise.