The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 22 - What a Difference a Date Makes - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(sighs)

Blanche Devereaux's
goin' on a diet.



Could you hold
off until tomorrow?

I got some Sara Lee
stock I'd like to unload.

Wait. Can I have
those gummy bears?

They are good, aren't they?

Oh, I don't eat 'em. Then
why do you want 'em?

To play army.

And sometimes I like to line 'em up
around my bed and pretend I'm Gulliver.

Blanche, you put yourself
through this hell every year.

Are you sure it's worth
it? Of course it's worth it.

On my anniversary, every
year since I was married,

I have slipped into my wedding
dress and had my picture taken.

George was always so
proud of me for stayin' svelte.

I'm gonna get into that dress
this year even if it kills me.

It's not you I'm worried about.



The last time you
went on a diet,

you turned into that guy
from Silence of the Lambs.

You did everything
but butter my face.

It's gonna be
different this time.

See, I'm on this
drink-it-off diet.

"You have two shakes and
a sensible meal every day,

you lose weight
the fast easy way."

I prefer the Italian diet.

You drink a bottle of
wine, make a smart remark,

then get your jaw wired.

Oh, Dorothy, a man called
for you while you were out.

Finally. Now we can break out that
bottle of champagne we've been saving.

Ma.

Come on, Dorothy.

We might not get another chance.

Oh, sure we will. We can
just serve it at the wake.

He says he's in Miami on
business and he wants to see you.

John Neretti called.

I haven't heard from
him in almost 40 years.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Who's John Neretti?

He's a guy who humiliated me.

Could you narrow it
down a bit, Dorothy?

He's the guy who stood
me up for my senior prom.

Oh, Dorothy, I had no idea

you were stood up for your prom.

Oh, that's awful.

I figured you didn't
go, but to be stood up.

Oh, John Neretti was one of the
toughest guys in my high school.

He smoked, he drank, he made
those rude noises under his armpit.

I was totally in love with him.

And when he asked me
to go to the senior prom,

I was thrilled.

When I came down the
stairs all dressed, Ma cried

because her little
girl was all grown up.

And she remarked that that night

would always be the most
memorable and important night

that the two of us ever shared.

Remember, Ma?

Vaguely.

But John never showed
up. I've never forgotten it.

But apparently he has, or he
wouldn't have had the nerve to call here.

You're not gonna
call him back, are ya?

Oh, absolutely.

If John comes to
Miami, I want to see him.

I don't think that's such
a good idea, Pussycat.

Ma, don't you see?

When John Neretti gets here,
I'm finally going to get my revenge.

He's going to see a
beautiful vibrant woman

who's done
something with her life.

Well, Dorothy, I'd
like to help, but -

I can't go out with him
on such short notice.

I meant "done something
with her life standing up."

I'm talking about me.

Oh, my revenge will be to make
John feel as bad as he made me feel.

I want him to see
me, see my life,

so he'll know exactly
what he missed.

She doesn't know a whole
lot about revenge, does she?

Well, I'm ready for John.

Oh, I've waited a
long time for this night.

Dorothy, I'm begging you.
Don't go out with this guy.

He hurt you once,
he'll hurt you again.

I am not going out with him.

But you said you were
gonna make him suffer.

Don't you have to
date a man to do that?

Not this time.

No, I have my plan all
worked out, step by step.

First he'll comment
on how stunning I look,

and then I'll say, "Oh, John,
did we have a date tonight?

Oh, I completely forgot."

And as he crumbles, I
will show him the door.

What if he doesn't comment
on how stunning you look?

Then you'll bring it up.

Time for my shake.

Honey, how you
doin' with this diet?

Oh, no problem. Piece of cake.

Nice big piece
of chocolate cake.

Devil's food,

smothered in whipped
cream and coconut flakes.

And a lobster. Blanche.

Ohh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Ooh, a wonderful
strawberry shake.

(whirs)

Strawberry. Mmm.

I bet that'd go
great with a burger.

Ma, you're being a little
insensitive, aren't you?

A little. Who wants an éclair?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, God, that's John.

Oh, I just hope I
can be mean enough.

Dorothy, do that thing
you do to me in the morning

when I try to take a piece
of bacon off your plate.

Blanche, I want to
tell you something.

I've never weighed
more than 100 pounds

on any day of my adult life.

And because you're my
friend, I want you to sit down,

and I'll share with
you that secret.

Tell me, Sophia.

I was born that way.

I could eat anything
and never get fat.

Did anyone ever tell you
you look like George Kirby?

No, no. Wait, wait.

It's time that John
Neretti learned a lesson.

That I am not that same little
girl whose head can be turned

by a pair of beautiful
eyes and a killer smile.

(doorbell rings)

Now.

Dorothy.

Dorothy, look at you.

You're as beautiful now as you
were then. How have you been?

I love you!

I, uh...

I'd love you to meet
my friend Rose.

Oh. Hi. John
Neretti. Shall we go?

We've got reservations at 8:30.

Take me.

Out.

Take me out for dinner. Sure.

Dorothy... Ahem.

I thought you were gonna
make him suffer. Oh, and I will.

Tomorrow morning I'll tell him
he's the worst lover I ever had.

Hope you like medieval food.

I love it.

Just glad I didn't
have it for lunch.

Good evening, my lord.
Good evening, my lady.

I am Don. I will be your
fool for the entire evening.

Would you like to know
about our specials?

We have pheasant
and we have wild boar.

How is the pheasant?

You like chicken? Yes.

It's chicken.

Why don't you bring us a couple
of grogs while we think about it?

Diet grog if you have it.

(♪ guitar)

♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale

♪ A tale of a fateful trip

♪ That started
from this tropic port

♪ Aboard this tiny ship...

Gee, it's so strange
sitting here with you.

I mean, you're
so different. Why?

Well, I remember you as that
tough kid in a leather jacket.

Fights, vandalism.

You were really a
juvenile delinquent.

But that's all behind you.
Tell me, what do you do now?

I manufacture spray paint.

At least all that training
didn't go to waste.

♪ If not for the courage
of that fearless crew

♪ The Minnow would be lost

♪ The Minnow would be lost...

It's wonderful seeing you again.

I'd forgotten how
charming, how vivacious,

how - how lovely -

Two knights and a
rabbi walked into a bar.

And the first one said I would -

You were saying...?

Well, I was about to say I'm gonna
be in town for a few more days.

Can we get together Friday
night? Oh, I can't on Friday.

The high school where I teach is
having its senior prom that night.

I promised I'd chaperone.

Can you bring a date?
You can't be serious.

I'll buy you a corsage.
Make it orchids.

Just make sure you show up
this time. What do you mean?

You didn't show
up at our last prom.

Not that I ever think of it.

What are you talking
about? I showed up. What?

Yeah. Your mother
sent me away. She what?

She said I was
dressed like a bum

and slammed the door
in my face. She what?

♪ The millionaire
and his wi-i-ife ♪

Something wrong?
Oh, no, no, not at all.

But I'll tell you,
on the way out,

I would like to stop
at the gift shop.

I'm gonna be needing one of
those spiked balls on a chain.

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Dorothy. Bye, Dorothy.

Ma, come back.

I wanna sit and
have a little talk.

Why?

Come on, now, would it hurt

to spend a little time
with your daughter?

That remains to be seen.

Rose, would you excuse
us just for a minute?

Sure. I know that tone of voice.

(singsong)
Somebody's gonna get it.

Ma, I'm going to
ask you a question,

and however you
answer, I'll believe you.

Did you tell John Neretti to go
away the night of my senior prom

because you didn't like
the way he was dressed?

Well... Liar!

You knew John showed up
that night, and you didn't tell me.

You didn't want me to go out with
him tonight. You knew he'd bring it up.

I can explain. Just don't lock me away
in another ill-equipped nursing home.

I promise nothing.

It's true. I did send
him away that night

because he was
dressed like a hood.

He started to mouth off to
me, so I told him to leave

and not to come back until he was
wearing a decent jacket and a tie.

Why didn't you tell me? I thought
he'd come back, and when he didn't,

well, I was afraid if you knew
the truth, you'd never forgive me.

It's water under the
bridge. What's the big deal?

Stanley Zbornak,
Ma. That's the big deal.

When John didn't
show up that night,

I lost all my self-esteem.

And when Stan asked me
out two weeks later, I said yes,

because I didn't think
I could do any better.

That's why I went to that
drive-in movie with Stan,

and that's why I got pregnant.

And that's why I got married.

Are you saying if it wasn't for me,
you would have married John Neretti?

I don't know. Maybe.

Or maybe I would have
met somebody else,

somebody wonderful.

But I'll never know
because of you.

You took away my choices.

How can I ever
forgive you for that?

Time for today's sensible meal.

Where's my tuna quiche?

You heard me.

I said, where's my tuna quiche?

I get 5 ounces of solid food a
day, and I want my tuna quiche.

You mean that little pie?

Little pie? Little pie?

I wanted a snack. A snack?!

I thought it was a little fishy.

Oh, you ate my sensible meal.

You ate my sensible meal!

Blanche, stop. Blanche!

You're out of control.

Oh, my God. Oh,
Rose, honey, I'm sorry.

What did I just do?

This.

Honey, we know dieting is hard.

We've all been there.

I remember the
time Stan and I went

on that weight-loss-
through-sex diet.

The idea being every
time you felt hungry,

you would substitute food
with some sexual activity.

Did it work? I gained 18 pounds.

Well, fine. I won't
have my sensible meal.

Tomorrow's my
anniversary anyway.

I'll just have my
last shake tonight.

Where's my shake?

You heard me. I said,
where's my shake?

I needed something to
wash down the little pie.

Aah!

It was so fishy.

I don't believe you.

Well, if it's any
consolation, I'm still hungry.

Oh, shut up!

Just shut up,

you babblin', bubble-headed,
bleach-blond...

Baboon. Baboon!

She needed a "B."

(doorbell rings)

John. Ooh.

I'll go get Dorothy.
Won't you have a seat?

Mrs. Petrillo.

It's John Neretti.

Well, you haven't aged a bit.

(louder) I said, you
haven't aged a bit.

I hear you. I'm not deaf.

"Haven't staged a hit"?

Oh, John, I'm sorry
I kept you waiting.

Dorothy.

You remember my lying
vicious toad of a mother.

Is there a problem?
Oh, not at all.

Happy as ever at
Happiness House.

Aww.

Well, I guess we
should be going.

Oh, not before I get
a picture. Oh, Rose.

Oh, come on, Dorothy, it's
your prom picture. Say "cheese."

(both) Cheese.

Now smile.

We'll save a lot of
time if you just do it.

Have a good time. Thank you.

I never got to go to the
junior prom in St. Olaf.

How come?

It was just for people
named "Junior."

It fits.

My wedding dress fits.

Congratulations.

You weren't married
in a white dress?

Oh, Rose, come on.

It's one thing to
hear snickering

when you walk down
the aisle, but me in white?

Even I couldn't
keep a straight face.

OK, Rose, come
on, take the picture.

I gotta hand it to you, Blanche. I
never thought you'd fit into that thing.

Well, all the pain and
torture were worth it.

George would be so proud of me.

My body's just as lithe and
taut as the day we were wed.

Blanche...

Nothing.

It was an enchanting evening.

"Enchanted Evening."

That was the theme of that
prom that we never got to.

Little more romantic than
the theme they had tonight.

"Wear A Condom" is
more than a prom theme.

It's sort of become
the school slogan.

It's catchy.

Oh, I wish Stan had
gone to that high school.

You know, I... I've got a
little confession to make.

One of the reasons I
wanted to see you again

was to, well, show you
how well I turned out.

Well, I wanted to show
you how well I turned out.

I mean, I was a mess in
high school. We all were.

Yeah. Except for what was
her name? Roseanne De Rasmo.

Oh, she had it all together.

I wonder whatever
happened to her.

She turned into a
bitter lonely lady.

Came into a lot of money.

At least, that's how she
was after our divorce.

I had a wonderful time tonight.

So did I.

I'm just sorry I messed
up in high school.

It wasn't your fault.
That was my mother's.

Actually, I've always wanted

to thank your mother
for that night. Why?

For not letting me take you out.

She took one look at my
clothes and my attitude.

She said it wasn't good
enough for her daughter.

Her little girl deserved better.

She actually said that? Yeah.

And a whole lot
of Italian words.

I'm not too sure
if it was a curse,

but I did talk like a girl
for about three weeks.

It was a turning
point in my life.

That's when I finally
started growing up.

And all that happened
because of my mother?

I like to think so.

Tell you another thing I
remember about that night.

How nervous I was.
Nervous? About what?

Our good-night
kiss. I was terrified.

I figured, "Oh, she's not gonna
want me to kiss her good night.

She'll -"

It was worth waiting for.

Can I call you next
time I get back to town?

I'd like that.

Good night.

Don't take me,
Death. Don't take me.

Oh, it's you.

Ma, you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, Ma, I said some terrible
things to you, and I'm sorry.

I'm responsible for all the
decisions I made in my life,

and if my life didn't
turn out perfectly, well...

whose has?

Mary Ann Mobley comes to mind.

She gets to sleep with
Gary Collins every night.

Every night.

No, what I'm trying to say is

we all make the best
decisions we can make

with what we know.

Exactly. Just like it was
on the night of your prom.

I did what I thought
was best. I was wrong.

I'm sorry, but
you were my first.

You didn't come with
a book of instructions.

Anyway, all I ever wanted
was the best for my little girl.

Because you deserved it. I
didn't want you to settle for less.

You still think of
me as your little girl?

Of course I do.

In fact, come on.

Sit on my lap for
old times' sake.

Oh, come on, Ma.
You can't be serious.

I mean, I'm a grown woman.

What's wrong with a mother
wanting to hold her child?

Dorothy, do this for
me. Sit on my lap.

Well, if you're sure. I...

Oh, Ma.

Oh, this brings back
so many memories.

The time I was five...
Bad idea! Bad idea!

Ma, you all right?

I'm fine. I just
panicked for a minute.

Come, sit down here.

Oh, Ma. This is
just like old times.

So tell me, did you have a good
time tonight at your prom, Pussycat?

Wonderful, Ma. It was
everything I wanted it to be.

Come, tell Ma all about it.

Well...

John bought me
this beautiful corsage.

And then, when we
got to the gymnasium,

it was so beautiful.

Anyway, when we got
there, we walked in...