The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 2 - Once in St. Olaf - full transcript

While Sophia is in the hospital, Rose is reunited with her biological father.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Rose. How's it
going? Hi, Blanche.

God, I hate morning people.

Ever since I've
been a candy striper,

I've been giving all my patients

the traditional
St. Olaf fun pack.

Each one has a pack of gum,
a bar of soap and sock puppets.

I like to pretend
one of 'em's you

and one of 'em's Dorothy.

(imitates Blanche) Hi,
Dorothy. How you feel?

(imitating Dorothy)
Oh, woe is me.

I can't get a date.

Nobody asks me
out. Woe is me. Woe -

Bad puppet.

Dorothy, how's Sophia doing?

Oh, she's resting.
But a hernia is painful.

Well, honey, put
your mind at ease.

The operation today is
just a minor procedure.

And by the way, you have
nothing to be guilty about.

What? I don't feel guilty.

Oh, Dorothy, good God.

You were cleaning out the garage

and you asked
Sophia to move a sofa?

Don't start with me.

She is 84 years old,

and you're asking her to
do the work of two men?

It was wicker, all right?

And the La-Z-Boy?

Leave her alone. I'm
sure she feels bad enough.

Thank you, Rose. Honey,
do we have any orange juice?

Sure. Would you like
me to pour you a glass

or have Sophia come in
and bring you the refrigerator?


Pussycat, I moved
that safe to the attic

like you asked me to.

Can I have food now?

Ma, you know I'm
not giving you food,

because you're not supposed to eat or
drink anything the day of an operation.

I'm not going to any hospital.

Sophia, I'm working
on the admitting desk.

Does that make it less scary?

Oh, sure. In that case
I'll get a boob job, too.

I'm not going. People die there.
They go in, they don't come out.

Ma, that is not true.
I'm still not going.

Sophia, you have to go. You
can't just ignore your hernia.

Blanche is right. Right
now it's very minor.

But honey, left untreated,
it could be very serious.

Honey, a trip to the hospital
is the best thing for you.

You think I'm stupid?

This scam has "Shady
Pines" written all over it.

Ma, be serious.

We're all adults here. I see the
way you've been eyeing my bedroom.

"Wouldn't a wet bar go
great where the old lady is?"

Ma, that's ridiculous.

Why would I take you to Shady
Pines when you have a hernia?

You took me there
after I had a stroke.

I'm not getting anywhere.
Blanche, you talk to her.

A wet bar. Blanche!

Look, Ma, I love you,

and I know what's best for you.

And besides, I don't want to feel
pangs of guilt for the next 20 years

every time you say "Ow"

just because I once
asked you to move a sofa.

I guess I have no choice.

I'm in agony. Did you
hear that? Agony, Dorothy.

Sophia, don't worry. You
made the right decision.

I was gonna give you this when you
got to the hospital, but I'm too excited.

Here's your St. Olaf fun pack.

Thanks. All right, I'm going.

Here, Dorothy,
you throw this out.

I'll push the car
around the front.

All right. Let's see.

Who's next? Uh, number 43?

Thank you. OK, let's
just fill out these forms.

Your name? Brother Martin.

Occupation? I'm a monk.

Oh, good. I almost
wrote down "Trekkie."

What brings you to the
hospital, Brother Martin?

Well, I don't enjoy
talking about it,

but I hurt my knee
dancing in my room.

Excuse me, but do I know
you? You look awfully familiar.

I get that a lot. People say
I look like Wilma Flintstone.

Not when she was on the air.
More the way she looks today.

No, no, no. I-I
can see that, too.

But you remind me of someone
I used to know a long time ago.

I was cloistered in
a small monastery

in St. Olaf, Minnesota.

Where every spring
the ducks return?

If we remember to
throw out the corn. You -

You know it?

I know it very well. I was
born and raised in St. Olaf.

Well, this is extraordinary.

Did you know an
Ingrid Kerclavaner?

You knew Ingrid?

She must have been 19.

She worked in the
kitchen in the monastery.

Talked, talked, talked,
talked. That's all she ever did.

We were a silent order,
so that was very refreshing.

I suppose it was.

Shortly after that,
Ingrid died in childbirth.

You know the story?

Oh, yes.

Late one night a basket
was left at the local orphanage

containing hickory
smoked cheese,

spicy beefsticks, a baby

and some kind of crackers
that didn't go with anything.

Eventually, the
Lindstroms took the baby.

And the beefsticks,
'cause that was the deal.

They named the baby Rose.

Did you know her
- Rose Lindstrom?

Know her? You're looking at her.

The Lord certainly
works in mysterious ways.

What do you know
about your father?

There was a rumor that he was
a clown with Ringling Brothers,

but I never believed it.

Just seemed too
much to hope for.

Did you know him, too?

I've asked and I've asked.

I've never found anybody
who could tell me about him.

Rose, I don't quite
know how to put this,

but I'm your father.

My father?

I can't believe it. This
really is the hospital.

Ma, you have a hernia.

Where'd you think I was
taking you - Trampoline Village?

I told you, I thought you were
taking me to Shady Pines.

I was beginning to look
forward to the chicken à la king.

You really think I was
trying to deceive you?

Well, I was, but
I don't anymore.

Now I think you're
trying to kill me.

Ma, I know you're frightened,

but do you think I would
be pushing for this operation

if I believed there
was any risk?

I don't know, my
little beneficiary.

Oh, God.

What's wrong, Blanche?

Oh, there's a very handsome
doctor coming this way.

Dorothy, listen, if he walks by,

just pretend we're
having a conversation

and casually mention
my unparalleled ability

to satisfy a man.

What, you don't think he's
read the men's room wall?

Apparently not.

Wonder where Rose is?
She said she'd be here.

Oh, Rose, we've
been waiting for you.


Oh, I'm sorry. I-I
was distracted.

You're not going to believe it.

I just met my father,
my natural father.

He's alive?

He's in Miami?

He's an earthling?

He just walked in. He's a monk.

Must be a pretty reformed order.

Come on. Let's
get you signed in.

Are you sure you're up to
this? Maybe you'd rather talk.

Oh, I'm OK. I can do
this job without thinking.

OK. Name?

Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Uh, Rose, I don't
think you are up to this.

Now, where were we?

Name. Rose Nylund.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

Oh, here, Sophia, just
sign this. I'll fill it in later.

It's a standard consent form,

releasing the hospital
of responsibility.

Like if you're missing
any jewelry or they kill you.

I'm not gettin'
out of here alive.

Ma, will you calm down?

You are in the finest
hospital in Florida.

Nothing is going to go wrong.

OK, Mrs. Petrillo, let's see if
we can get you patched up, huh?

Here you go. Thank you, Rose.

Why is a woman your
age moving furniture?

For food.

Right this way.

You make me sick.

Oh, I am just so relieved

that Ma came through
that operation OK.

Yeah, she's a tough old woman.

Takes a lot more than
someone like you to kill her.

Hi, Rose. You going
back to the hospital?

Yes. I promised a friend
I'd fill in for her tonight.

But it's the last place
in the world I want to be.

Well, why, honey?
Because of my father.

How would you feel if you found
out your father was a celibate monk?

It's not so unusual.

Look, Rose, we don't necessarily
get the parents we want.

We get the ones we're dealt.

When I was a little kid, I got
angry with my mother and father,

and I imagined that I
had different parents.

Who? Who?
Well, it's really silly.

Come on. Who? Tell us.

Well, my dad was Errol Flynn

and my mother
was Amelia Earhart.

I wanted Dad all to myself.

You know who my
fantasy parents were?

Who, Blanche,
Masters and Johnson?

Not my fantasy neighbors.

No, my fantasy mother
was the Queen of England,

and then she died
and I became queen.

And all the men were very happy

for all the obvious reasons.

And I looked cute on the money.

'Course, all the women
were unhappy, but screw 'em.

I was queen.

I never worried about who
my fantasy parents were.

I only worried about
who my real parents were.

Imagine, a monk who'd
taken a vow of silence.

I mean, they made love,

and he never even
called her the next day.

Oh, Rose, I know
you're disappointed.

But honey, confront your
father. Tell him how you feel.

At least you'll have
some kind of relationship.

Right now you have nothing.

I'm luckier than you
'cause I had a father,

a wonderful father
whom I loved dearly.

But right now you have an
opportunity I would give anything for -

just to have ten minutes
more with Big Daddy.

Oh, to hear that sweet old
husky voice once more...

"They're admittin' who
to my country club?"

Aw, there's a
difference, Blanche.

That bigot was there for you.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Yes, this
is her daughter.

No, she's not here.
I-I left her with you.

I was told that she'd
be in recovery till -

Never mind! I'm on my way!

What's the matter?
They've lost my mother!

Dorothy. Wait up. Will you wait
a minute? You just walk so fast.

I am in a hurry. It's not sexy.

Well, it's not.

(ringing bell)

A woman should
take little delicate steps

as if to say, "Yes, I
may be slower than you,

but maybe I'm
worth waitin' for."

It is the middle of the
night. My mother is missing.

I am scared to death and
I'm trying to find a doctor.

You'll have to excuse me

if I don't have the rolling
gait of a nymphomaniac.

Well, now, look, Dorothy,
I'm scared, too. I'm terrified.

Sophia's practically
my mother, too.

If we don't find her, I don't
know how I'm gonna respond.

But I'd like to think I'm
not gonna be any less sexy.

You're just a great big
pile of estrogen, aren't you?

Oh, where is
Dr. Warren? This is insane.

Where do doctors go in
the middle of the night?

Their call rooms are
up on the 12th floor,

but... you have to take
the back stairs to get to 'em.

Unless you have that special
key for the main elevator.

I'm guessin'.

Where am I?

I must be dead.

Is this heaven?

Sal? Is that you, Sal?

Sorry, ma'am. Who's Sal?

My husband. He's been waiting
for me up here for a long time.

Boy, you're pretty young. What
brings a guy like you up here?

A lunatic. I'm a police officer.

I was working a political
rally at the Civic Center

when this madman
pulls out a revolver

and starts blasting
away from the roof.

I took a bullet pulling a baby
carriage out of the line of fire.

How 'bout you? Same.

Pardon me, but what are you
doing in here all by yourself?

Who are you? Are you an angel?

I'm the guy that
shaves everybody.

Amazing. That's not even
mentioned in the Bible.

Heaven sure isn't
what I expected.

Heaven? Ma'am, you're
on an elevator in a hospital.

You mean I'm
alive? Very much so.

Then what am I doing in here?

That's what I was asking.

Tell you what, ma'am. I'll call
Patient Care. They'll send somebody.

(bell dings)

This is our floor. Good luck.

By the way, I'll
be thinking of you.

Guys like you make it safe for old
ladies like me to walk the streets.

I don't get the connection,
ma'am, but thank you.

I'm glad you
stopped by to visit me.

This is not a visit.
It's part of my job.

Far as I'm concerned,
you're just another patient.

A monk with my nose.

Rose, I realize this is a lot
to deal with all of a sudden.

You must have so many questions.

Just one, actually.

Will you be having the
halibut or the chicken Kiev?

Boy, you're really
angry, aren't you?

"Where has this louse
been all these years?"

But I assure you,
there's an explanation.


I'm sure there is.

I'll bet you're quite
a smooth-talker.

I'm sure it wasn't the
uniform that my mother fell for.

Broccoli or creamed corn?

Rose, you're terribly upset.

Corn, please.

I'm not upset. I
couldn't care less.

I guess I owe you
an explanation.

You owe me a lot more than that.

Why didn't you ever
come to visit me?

I stayed away because I thought
my appearing out of nowhere

would've been more
than you could handle.

Shouldn't it be up to me to
decide what I can and can't handle?

No, Rose. Not up to me, either.

It's up to the man who
brought us together today.

The intern in the paper shoes?

No, Rose. The Lord Almighty.

All these years of
wondering and-and hurting.

But now, by His
bringing us together,

I believe He's forgiven me.

My mother - did you love her?

Yes, very, very much. But
then the abbot found out.

Bud Abbott?

Sure'd be nice if you
got one of these right.

No, Rose, the abbot.

He told me I had to choose
between the church and your mother.

I chose God.

I think I have His forgiveness.

Now, more than anything,
I'd like your forgiveness.

I don't know.

Lime Jell-O with pears or
fresh lemon meringue pie?


We don't have any. We never did.

Now we're even.

Oh, any luck? What?

Have you found her?

Yes, Blanche. About
a half-hour ago.

But now I've hidden her
again, so you can find her.

The Dow was down again today.

I told my broker to short
all my high-tech holdings

and put it into triple-A
bonds and precious metals.

Hey, you sound like doctors.

Do you think you can find out
why I was left on this elevator?

You were just left
here? What's your name?

Read it yourself, right
here on the bracelet.

"Zulu, Queen of
the Dwarf People."

Petrillo's the name.
Sophia Petrillo.

Can you get me outta here?

OK, OK. Who is your
insurance company?

Lloyd's of London.

What do I look like?
I'm on Medicare.

We'll tell the desk.
They'll send somebody.

(bell dings)

(bell dings)

Oh, you're up.


While you were sleeping,
I've been thinking,

and there's something
I really have to know.

You said you chose God.

How could you do that when it
meant giving up your own child?

I never knew there was a child.

It was only after you were
living with the Lindstroms

that I found out what
happened to Ingrid.

By then, I didn't want to
interfere with your new life.

I'm sorry.

You don't need to be sorry.

I... In fact, I should
thank you. For what?

For giving me life. Oh,
and it's been a great one.

I mean, the Lindstroms
were wonderful parents.

I had a wonderful husband,
I have beautiful children.

And I owe it all to you.

I have grandchildren?

Yes. And I'll bet
they'd love to know you.

Oh, my. So would I.

(door opens)

Rose, have you seen my mother?

Dad, these are my roommates
Dorothy and Blanche.

Very pleased to
meet you. Hello there.

Rose has told me
all about you two.

I know it's a little late for
me to start acting like a father,

but do you think you two
could stop hitting my little girl

with a newspaper?

We'll try. We'll try.

You'll have to excuse us.
Rose, maybe you can help.

We're searching the whole
hospital. We can't find my mother.

Maybe she's lost.

Attagirl, Rose.
You finally got one.

Very nice meeting
you, sir... bye-bye.

Thanks, Dad.

Dorothy, you don't have
to go through with this.

I never thought I'd be looking
for my mother in the morgue.

Oh, I can't believe the last words
I said to her were, "Shut up, Zulu."

(bell dings)

I just wish it was me that
was lost instead of Ma.

You'd be a lot easier to find.

Ma! Oh, Ma.

We've been worried sick
about you. Easy. Easy! Easy.

Not healed. Not
healed! Not healed.

Where've you been? What
are you doin' on this elevator?

I'm into easy listening.
How the hell should I know?

What difference does
it make? We found you.

Oh, what a day this has been.

I found my father.
You found your mother.

And I found you can't give a sponge
bath without the patient's consent.

Ma, I'm so sorry
about everything.

I'm sorry I asked
you to move that sofa.

I'm sorry that you're sick.

I swear I'll never ask you
to move furniture again.

Oh, God, I'm just
so happy you're safe.

Speaking of God, I
made a little promise

that if He got me through
this operation alive,

I would tell you the truth
about how I got this hernia.

You mean, not from
lifting up the sofa?

Oh, please, it's wicker.

A few of us gals thought it would be
funny to put Gladys' VW on the lawn

while she was having
her feet sanded.

And that's why I'm on
this gurney, Pussycat.

Ma, it's OK. As
long as I found you.

Rose, push "Morgue."

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