The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 1 - Blanche Delivers - full transcript

Blanche's pregnant daughter Rebecca comes to Miami to have her baby.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Mornin', Ma. How you feelin'?

I'm not sure. What did we
have for dinner last night?

Mexican. Oh. Then I'm OK.

Hi, girls.

Guess where I'm going.

A sanitarium up north?

I'm gonna enter the US Senior
Sports Classic. And I'm gonna win.

I had no idea that you
could skate that well.

Oh, when I was young, my
folks had me train for the US team.

Oh, the day the Olympic
Committee came to St. Olaf,

I was so nervous I put my
skates on the wrong feet.

Oh... Sonya Henderfinken's.

Morning, all. Morning, honey.

Rose, for God's sake,

you look like a giant elf.

Can I borrow that sometime?

Oh, Blanche, when
is Becky coming?

I want to make sure that
Ma is all moved into my room.

I'm pickin' her up at 10:30.

How come when company comes, I
always have to sleep with Dorothy?

How come I always
get the short stick?

It's because you
are the short stick.

Put that down. Why?

Since you're sleeping with me,
no more liquid till Becky leaves.

I'm really looking
forward to Becky's visit,

even though she is
in a delicate condition.

Yeah, knocked up
and single. How dainty.

No, I think it's great
that she's brave enough

to have that baby by herself.

Look who's talking - the
president of knocked up and single.

At least Dorothy's
pregnancy was an accident.

My daughter did it on purpose.

And went to a sperm
bank. A sperm bank.

Just the very idea of
a bank havin' sperm.

At least the government
didn't have to bail them out.

Well, I'm off to sign
up. Wish me luck.

I think it's wonderful
that you're taking part

in the Senior Sports Classic.

I might try entering it myself
in 15 years, when I'm eligible.

If I can come up with an event.

The luge is the only one where
you get to lie on your back.

Rose, are you all right? Yes.

Oh, Mr. Ninervini,
my ice-skating coach,

said I should wear weights
to strengthen my ankles.

Well, I'm off to the grocery.
Can I bring you anything?

Is that as fast as
you can go? Yes.

Don't get any dairy.

Rose, don't make
fun of old people.

I'm wearing weights to
strengthen my ankles.

They come in headbands?

Everybody, look who's here. Oh!

Sweetheart, sit down, sit
down. Sit down, sit down.

Oh, you look beautiful.
How've you been?

Well, I love being pregnant.
Except for the hormones.

Yesterday I cried
when the mail was late.

Oh, no, her mail was late.

Can you imagine what she was
like when she had hormones?

So, I hear we only
get you for three days.

Well, that depends. On what?

On how my mother feels about
my having the baby in Miami.

Here? So close to Cuba?

I thought I could do it alone,

but now that it's almost
time, I'm gettin' nervous,

and I realized I want
to be near my mother.

I think it's great that you
want to have your baby here.

Boy, in St. Olaf, the mother was always
with the daughter when she gave birth.

And if the mother was out of town,
then the mother of the father was there.

And if she was out of town,
then we'd call Lucky Gunther.

Oh, what the hell. She
has a birthday coming up.

Why, Rose?

After the thresher accident, they
replaced Lucky's arm with a forceps.


Lucky Gunther. He was in
charge of delivering babies

and handing out corn
at the Rotary picnics.

Shut up, Rose.

So, Mama, is it all right
if I have my baby here?

I only want what's best for you.

Don't you want to have your
baby with your obstetrician

in your hospital in Atlanta?

Oh, I'm not having
my baby in a hospital.

I'm going to a birthin' center.

They emphasize
natural childbirth

in a relaxed atmosphere
with no painkillers.

Becky, I know I told you
where babies come from.

Did I ever mention
where they come out?

Mama, why don't you
just come see the place?

They have one of the biggest and
best birthing centers right here in Miami.

Those theme-park people
are always thinking, aren't they?

Come on. Now, Blanche,
before you close your mind,

the least you can do is
just take a look at the place.

I'll go with you if
you need support.

Just give me a head start.

Oh. This is a birthing center?

Where's the obstetrician?
Where's the equipment?

She'd be better off having the baby in
your bedroom. At least you've got stirrups.

And there's a better
chance of finding a doctor.

First Becky conceives in a clinic,
now she wants to deliver in a bedroom.

She's got the whole
thing backwards.

Oh, this is all wrong.

What kind of dope would
want to have a baby here?

This place makes me want
to run out and get pregnant.

We have a lot of features here

to create the right environment
for both you and baby.

That's why we have music
piped into every room.

So, uh, Mama, what do you think?

I think it would cost less to
squat in a Laura Ashley showroom.

Look, I hate to be an alarmist,

but what if the
baby or the mother

needs more than
Muzak and throw pillows?

You're a meat eater, aren't you?

(woman screams)

Sounds like there's a
mommy in the making.

Sounds like there's
a mommy on fire.

I'll be right back.

Oh, good. We can
sneak out. Mother!

Becky, I have to admit,

everything is well
coordinated here,

but, honey, wouldn't
you be happier

in a place where there's
less stereo and more...

(woman screams)


Well, I'm just looki"
into alternatives.

Hospitals have a rigid
way of doin' things.

(woman screams)

Why is she screamin'?
She's conscious.


I just want this to be an
experience I'll never forget.

(woman shrieks)

You're in luck. You're about
to see one of our deliveries.

We don't need the whole tour.

Mama... that sounded just awful.

Well, darling, that is woman's lot
in life - to bear the pain of childbirth.

What's man's lot in life?

Their eyebrows grow together.

Cheesecake, Rose?

Let's taste it and find out.

How's the skating going?

Oh, Coach Ninervini is really
disappointed in my compulsory figures.

The only way I can make an "8"

is to start with a snowman and
then erase his head and arms.

By the time I do all that,
the judges have lost interest.

So have I, Rose.

Honey, why don't you just quit?

Oh, they have a name
for people who quit.

They call 'em "quitters."

Don't let them
call you that, Rose.

You make them stick to "idiot."

Being at the
birthing center today

brought back vivid memories
of when I delivered Rebecca.

It was so wonderful.

When I woke up, there
she was in my arms,

just as goofy and
hung over as I was.

I vowed then and
there to have 20 more.

Well, what stopped
you? The drugs wore off.

Remember how
Stan was working late

when I went into
labor with Kate,

so I called you, Ma?

Yeah, right in the
middle of Uncle Miltie.

No, no. Kate was
born on a Friday.

Milton Berle was
on Tuesday nights.

Yeah, I know.

Uncle Miltie was your
father's pet name for -

Never mind.

I was fortunate.

I was at a picnic when
I delivered Kirsten.

Well, how was that fortunate?

Lucky Gunther already had
boiling water in his corn pot.

Before you knew it,

I was kissing her little
buttery salted head.

Dorothy was born during
the Depression... mine.

We had no money, and
when it came time to deliver,

I couldn't afford to
go to the hospital.

Hospitals were for the rich.

So Dorothy was born at home?

Homes were for the rich.
Babies were for the rich.

We tried selling her,
but the rich have taste.

Did you have a hard labor?

Oh, it went on for days,
but she was finally born.

32 pounds, 3 ounces. Oh, Sophia!

Ma, nobody weighs 32
pounds when they're born.

That's what the guy
from the circus said.

Hello. Hi, darlin'.

You know, I've been thinkin'.

Maybe havin' a baby at a
birthing center isn't so important.

I mean, the people at
Lamaze got me a coach,

so there's no reason I can't have
a natural birth, even in a hospital.

Oh, Becky, that's wonderful.

And, darlin', I'll go
to Atlanta with you.

I'll be right outside
your door the whole time.

No, I think I better have
the baby here in Miami.

I don't feel much
like traveling.

Well, I just thought
you'd be happier,

giving birth in a place
where nobody knows me.

I can't believe you. Are you ever
gonna get over my bein' a single mother?

It's just that I have a
reputation in this town.

Cheesecake, Ma?

Well, I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you.

You don't sound very sorry.

I had artificial insemination.

It's not like I slept
with every man in town.

Chew it carefully, Ma.

Like they taught
you at Shady Pines.

I would just be happier
checking you into a hospital

where I don't happen to be
very popular with the staff.

That means more to you than being there
at the most important moment of my life?

Oh, Blanche, there are
so many hospitals in Miami.

Maybe you can find one where
you haven't... volunteered?

No. Don't worry
about it, Mother.

I'm leavin' in the morning,
and I'm takin' my baby with me.

A little more to the left.

A little more to the left.
A little more to the left.

Ma. Ma, wake up, wake up.
You're having a nightmare.

Oh, I dreamt I was in
bed with Mel Gibson

and Kim Basinger
was to my right.

Go to sleep, Ma.

It's been 14 hours. Just
a sip of water, Dorothy?

Go to sleep.



Becky. Becky, what's the
matter? Is something wrong?

I was just wondering
what bein' in labor feels like.

How do you feel right now? If I
had any military secrets, I'd talk.

Showtime. Honey,
don't worry. Just lie down.

Come on, get into bed.

We'll start timing
the contractions.

I think one's coming on.

Oh... oh... oh.


Blanche, cut it out. I'm
trying to get some sleep.

Ma, Becky is in labor.


Hold my hand. When
it hurts, squeeze.

Am I crazy or did
I hear screaming?

Yes and yes.

It's Becky. She's
having the baby.

I'll put on some corn. Um...

Call the County Hospital. Tell
them we'll be there in 20 minutes.

Oh, and call the coach.
The number's by the phone.

Fine. Is there
anything I can do?

Call the hospital and the
coach. You got that, Rose?

Oh, hurry. Here
comes another one.

Oh... oh... oh... Yikes!

Hey, what do you do for
a living, crack walnuts?

What's goin' on?
Something about a baby.

Oh, my God. You mean it's
started? She's having contractions.

Don't worry about
it. Go back to sleep.

I'll call you when it
graduates high school.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on,
I'm taking you to the hospital right now.

Dorothy, this reminds me of
when I took you to the hospital

when you were in
labor. How so, Ma?

You were pregnant, I took you
to the hospital. It's not a big leap.

Ms. Devereaux, you forgot to
fill out the name of the father.

I was artificially inseminated.

It was the father's last wish.

That and that people should
be able to visit Graceland.

Oh, Doctor. Thank
God you're here.

I'm not the doctor. I
sell hats. Mr. Ninervini?

Rose, who is this man?

He's my ice-skating -

Oh, my God. I must have
called the wrong coach.

Oh, are you the doctor? Yes.

The contractions have been
approximately five minutes apart

for the last 45 minutes.

I suggest you see
how dilated she is.

Gee, I never would
have thought of that.

Let's get her head up so the
baby can get more oxygen.

Get her feet up
so it'll be a boy.

Oh, raise her
arms. I want a girl.

(all talk) (blows whistle)

Listen up!

I want three people in here -

the pregnant woman,
the coach and the baby.

You heard him, ladies.
OK, Doc, let's go.

If anybody is staying in here
with my daughter, it is her mother.

We'll be in the waiting
room if you need us.


How you doin', baby? I'm scared.

Oh, honey, there's
nothin' to be afraid of.

Just remember, pull, pull.

Oh, no. That's skeet shooting.

Well, never mind.
We'll be just fine.

By the way, the reason that
the baby's father isn't here

is because he's busy.

I read the form.

I have a pretty good
idea what he's busy doing.

What is taking so
long? It's been hours.

It took me three and a
half days to have Dorothy.

I finally coaxed her
out with a pork chop.

You know, Ma, you're really
making me feel very bad.

You keep telling
me how hard it was

and how long it took to have me.

Did I mention the colic?

Ma, you're hurting my feelings.

Not as much as you
hurt my oonie. Ma!

I'll tell you something.

No matter how much pain I
went through - and it was a lot -

I wouldn't give up having
you for anything in the world.

Thanks, Ma.

And I knew you'd be special.

And I didn't
disappoint you? A little.

Oh, I guess every
mother feels their children

are gonna be something
special when they first see them.

And then we disappoint them
by not becoming Olympic stars.

Oh, Rose.

Rose, honey, is that why
you're training? For your parents?

They always wanted me
to be a champion ice skater.

They were so proud
watching me practice.

I know their dream was
for me to win a gold medal,

but I hate ice-skating.

Rose, listen, you don't have to
do anything to please your parents.

She's right. I'd like to be
proud of Dorothy for something,

but I'm not gonna kill myself
if that day never comes.

But my parents called
me "Twinkle Toes."

I call Dorothy "Big Foot."

That doesn't mean she has to
make tracks all over the Northwest.

What Ma is trying to say is
that she loves me for what I am.

That's right - an
over-the-hill schoolteacher

who has to wait
for the phone to ring

to know if she's
gonna work that day.

Ohh. It doesn't matter
what your parents want.

Rose, you're never
gonna make them happy.

They're just gonna
nag you and nag you

until you want to grab
their throats and choke 'em,

but you don't, because
you're in a hospital

with resuscitating equipment!

In other words, Rose,
hang up the skates.

Oh, Sophia. Big Foot, thank you.

I mean, you're terrific.

You made me realize you
don't have to please your parents.

I don't know how
I can thank you.

No more ice-skating.

And I'm not gonna go over
Niagara Falls in a barrel.

No, Rose, that you should do.

(Blanche and
doctor) 7... 8... 9... 10.

Good, good, good.
We're getting there. Rest.

You're doin' fine.

(woman over PA)
Dr. Jackson, outside call.

Dr. Jackson, outside call.

You know why I call
you pussycat, Pussycat?

Why, Ma?

Because you only gave
me yarn for Christmas?

Because you fed me
once and I hung around?

Because you used
to put me out at night?

Because I love
pussycats, and I love you.

And you were the only one in
the family who could catch mice.

(Blanche and doctor) 9... 10.

Rest. Good, good.
We're getting there.

God, I don't think I can
take much more of this.

Becky, if you hurry
up and have this baby,

I'll run down and get
you some ice cream.

When are you gonna
stop treatin' me like a child?

Oh, somebody's grumpy.

I want her out of here.

Why, Becky, you don't mean that.

Oh, right. I'm in a real
jokin' mood. Now get out.

Becky... You're
not helpin', Mama.

Well, then I will just
take a little break.

Ohh! Mama!

Oh, honey, baby, I'm here.

One more push and
we'll be there. No, I can't.

You know I've never been real
strict with you, but you have to.

No, I'll just carry this baby
with me for the rest of my life.

No. It's a bad look.

I can't, Mama. I can't.

Listen. Rebecca Devereaux,

I think you must be about
the bravest woman alive.

You do? Honey, I couldn't
do what you're doin'.

You've got courage I never had.

Why, you just decided how you wanted
to have your baby, and you're doin' it.

I think that's wonderful. I'm just
so proud of you. I just love you.

All right. One more
push, but that's it.

Attagirl, attagirl.
Come on, darlin'.


Ohh! (baby crying)

Oh, my God.

Oh, will you just look at him?

Mrs. Devereaux,
that's the umbilical cord.


Oh, oh, well, look at her.


Look at this, Becky.

She's wonderful.

Oh, my gosh. She's almost
as beautiful as you were.

We did it, Mama. We did it.

Honey, thank you for
letting me be here with you.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

The first time I ever
held you in my arms,

I knew I was holding somebody I
was gonna love for the rest of my life.

Hello, little baby.

We've been waitin' for you.