The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 3 - If at Last You Do Succeed - full transcript

When Stan finally has a successful business venture, he grows tired of being browbeaten by Dorothy.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Mm, smells good.

Here, Pussycat, taste this.

Ooh! Ma... (groans)

"Bring to a near boil." Perfect.

Ma, I could've burned my
lips! What are you doing?

My eyesight is going, so
I like a prank I can hear.

Rose Nylund, what is that giant
velvet painting of dogs playing poker

doing out on my front lawn?

Intriguing passersby,
if I know my art lovers.

And the clothes and
the trunk and the boxes?

You're not havin' a
yard sale, are you?

What's wrong with
that? Are you kidding?

I don't want to have to deal with
400 people in Simpsons T-shirts

trying to knock 25 cents off
your "I lost my ass in Vegas" cup.

Is my cup out there? I
don't want to sell my cup.

Come on, Blanche,
there's nothing wrong

with Rose having a
yard sale. Right, Ma?

Here, Blanche, taste this. Ma!

Look, Rose, I just hate
the idea of a yard sale,

but if you're really trying
to get rid of your stuff,

I'll take it off your
hands for, say, $50.

OK, but a deal's a deal.

I don't want to hear you say
you didn't get your money's worth

just because something
doesn't fit right or smells bad

or makes strangers
look at ya and giggle.

Good God, what do
you have in those boxes?

As we say in St. Olaf,
"crapola in a box."

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

I can't stand her when
she's feeling her oats.

Rose, you're a pretty
sharp deal-maker.

We've all underestimated you.

Now, come over here. Taste this.

(Rose) Oh! Ma, stop that!

Hi, it's me - Stan.
Stanley, what do you want?

Turn on your TV.
It is almost 6:28.

What's happening at 6:28?

You're gonna find out why Stan
Zbornak is now a very rich man.

What is it this time, Stanley?

Whoopee cushions for
the hearing impaired?

It's not a novelty. It's a
Zbornee. What's a Zbornee?

I put up with it for 38 years,
Rose. You don't want to know.

It's not that, Dorothy. I
just used the same name.

So what is it, Stanley? I'll show
you. It's time. Let me turn it up.

(Stan on TV) Hi! It's
me - Stan Zbornak,

and you may be wondering
why I'm dressed like a potato.

That's what's different.

It's because I've
invented the Zbornee,

America's first
baked-potato opener.

Now you can open potatoes
without burning your fingers.

No! It can't be done!

It can be done,
and for only 12.95.

Over half a million Zbornees
have already been sold.

Call this toll-free number now.

Remember, with the Zbornee,

(mouthing with TV) a day
without potatoes is unnecessary.

That's my line.

Hi, I'd like to
order the Zbornee.

Rose, will you hang that up?

Times 500 thous-
Stan, you're rich!

(Blanche) Oh! Congratulations.

I know I called you
a yutz in the past,

but what I didn't tell
you is that in Sicilian,

"yutz" means "Apollo."

Ma, will you stop that?

It wouldn't hurt you
to learn how to kiss up.

Stanley, one question.

If things are going so
well, what is it you want?

Glad you asked,
babe. I need your help.

I want to export the
Zbornee to Japan.

Our research shows

the Japanese actually hate rice,

but what they hate more is burning
their fingers on baked potatoes.

Anyway, Dorothy, a major Japanese
distributor is arriving next week.

Zbornco is throwing
a big reception for him.

I need a date. I want
you to go with me.

I'm sorry, Stan.

There are other vegetables
I'd rather go out with.

Dorothy, I need
someone who's classy

who can handle the
rich and powerful.

Someone not too obviously sexy.

Why don't you ask Merv Griffin?

Dorothy, look. I called
every woman in my Rolodex.

I'm down to the "Z" s. That
means it's either you or my mother.

Frankly Mom chews too
loud and still calls 'em "Japs."

What do you say, babe?

As they say in Japan,
sayonara, Stanley.

That's another reason.
You know the language.

Hi, Blanche.

Rose, you know all
that stuff you sold me?

That St. Olaf memorabilia and
the things from your childhood?

A lifetime of memories.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, I came across these

as I was tossing that
junk in the dumpster.

That's a St. Olaf war bond.
Charlie bought us those in '42.

I didn't realize
I still had those.

Wait a minute.
Are you telling me

that St. Olaf printed
its own war bonds?

Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic.

In late '42, we wanted to fund

the development of
a top-secret weapon

that we were sure
would end the war.

Attack cows.

Take me now, Lord.

No one expects
trouble from a cow.

The plan was, we would drop
these highly trained killer cows

behind the enemy lines.

It wasn't till they
were airborne

that we realized a
cow can't pull a rip cord.

Well, the project
wasn't a total failure.

If there's one thing the
Germans hate, it's a mess.

Just tell me. Is this damn
bond worth anything?

Well, yes. $1,000 - $1,000?

Well, hot damn! I
have 49 more of 'em.

We're rich!

You're half right.

Blanche, you just paid $50
for those. You should split 'em.

Split 'em? Are you
kiddin'? Don't be crazy.

I paid for these
fair and square.

You said yourself,
all deals are final.

Charlie would want
me to have them.

George would want
me to keep 'em.

Don't try that with
me, Rose Nylund.

I'll match you dead
husband for dead husband.

You are not going
to believe this.

I told Stan I didn't want to
go. He sent me a kimono.

Do you know what I
would look like in a kimono?


No. I have no idea.

And listen to this.

"Dear Dorothy, in case
you change your mind,

"here are three things to
remember at the cocktail party.

"Number one, ask
for more potatoes.

"Number two, be appalled that Joe
Isuzu wasn't played by an Asian actor.

"And number three, under no
circumstances walk on their backs.

"Even if they beg
you... and they will.

"I hope you'll reconsider.
Have a potato day.

See you later, tater.
Your spuddy, Stan."

I can't believe it.
(stammers) One beer.

One beer in high school,
and my life is ruined.

He's trying to buy my love.

He's trying to
buy my kid's love.

If I had a dollar for every time
Stan has screwed up our lives...

Here you go, Pussycat.

Ma, where did you get that
money? Stan gave it to me.

Ma, he's trying
to buy your love.

I'm sellin' it.

We cannot go on living like this

with Blanche and Rose
not speaking to each other.

So whatever the results of
the secret ballot, we go with it.

No more arguments. Agreed?

All right. Yes, yes.

OK, here we go.
"Split the money."

"Let Blanche keep it."

"Give it to the old lady." Yes!

"Split the money."

Well, Blanche, looks
like the splits have it.

Big Daddy was right. Women
should not be allowed to vote.

If it's any consolation, when I
wrote down "Give it to the old lady,"

I did mean you.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, it's me - Stan.
Hi, Stan. Come on in.

Oh, Stanley, how nice of you
to stop by. Bring me anything?

Of course. Now, who's my
gorgeous gray-haired gal?

It's me, isn't it,
Stan? You're right.

Wow, a Game Boy!

Very nice.

It sure is. Who's
your favorite fella?

Sophia, who's your
favorite - Sophia.

Yeah, yeah. Later.

Stanley, I want to talk about
these gifts. No need, babe.

Did you think the old
stickman could hit the jackpot

and not share with his
very best used-to-be?

Let me show you
something. Come on.

Pour vous, mon ex.

Oh, a new convertible!
Oh, it's gorgeous.

Stan, I am not driving around

with license plates
that say "POTHEAD."

It's an abbreviation.

I didn't have room for
the whole "potato head."

I don't want your car. I
don't want your money.

I don't even want
to talk to you,

much less go to that
ridiculous reception.

So why don't you just
take a hint and go away?

Just a minute, Dorothy.

I am sick and tired of
being dumped on by you.

Yes, I screwed up our
marriage. We all know that.

But I wasn't a yutz
for all of those years.

There were some good
times before things went wrong.

Until I found out about them.

Old news, Dorothy. This time I came
up a winner. Things have changed.

Hey, Stan, I'm
her legal guardian.

We'll take the car. Stanley,
I think you'd better leave.

I thought I could make up for
some mistakes, but you won't let me.

You have an image of
what a Stan Zbornak is.

No matter how he's changed,
you'll never see a new man.

Don't worry. Won't bother
you with any gifts anymore.

In fact, from now on, I
won't bother you at all.

Hey, Stan, could I be "POTHEAD"?

Did you call St. Olaf? What do
we have to do to cash the bonds?

I'm not gonna beat around the
bush. I'm gonna tell you straight out.

Once upon a time, there was
an ant and a grasshopper...

Oh, my God.

They're not gonna
redeem the bonds.

Oh, they want to, but the city
would have to liquidate all its assets.

St. Olaf would be bankrupt.

And this affects me how?

Don't you understand?

If we take that money,
there won't be any left

for the police cars
and the fire trucks

and the children's
Cheese Museum.

You have a museum where
children go to look at cheese?

Hey, it beats learning
about it in the streets.

Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?

I'm staying home, trying
to recapture my lost youth.

I see you haven't got it.

Today I saw something that shook
up everything I ever believed in -

Stan Zbornak with a backbone.

Oh, it really was a surprise.

It's Dorothy who has me worried.

She just looked so confused.

I can't figure out her problem.

I'm having a little
trouble with that myself.

Pussycat, what's so terrible

about accepting a
present from Stan?

God knows he gave
us all plenty of misery.

Maybe he's trying
to tell you he's sorry.

I have to admit, Stan
was pretty amazing today.

Did you see the way
he stood up for himself?

This is not the same
guy who screamed,

"Paint my toenails!
We've just invaded Korea!"

It was kind of... attractive.

Oh, but I don't know.
It's so hard to trust him.

I know what it's like to trust
somebody who's betrayed you.

You're not gonna believe this,
but I have a St. Olaf story about this.

I believe you. I just hate you.

Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker,
St. Olaf's tallest woman...

Of course, nobody ever
made fun of her for that.

Anyway, when Old Space
Needle was in high school...

she drank some cherry herring

and made love in the
backseat of a Fjord Fjairlane...

Local car. Ah.

And she got in trouble, if you
know what I mean, Dorothy.

Knukendup und schvingle.

She knows what you mean.

Anyway, her boyfriend,
Yutz Hernsberg,

St. Olaf's only bald high
school student, had to marry her.

Why would she
marry a guy like that?

Because I was young.

I... I'm sorry -
I'm sorry, Rose.

This is your story.
Go-Go on. Go on.

Well, anyway, after 38 years of
marriage and a painful divorce,

he finally came back,

having invented
Hernsberg's Press-on Warts.

Who bought those? Hags, mostly.

Don't you see? He was successful
and he wanted Gunilla back.

Well, what happened
to her, Rose?

Skylab fell on her.

What is the point
of this story?!

Be thankful for your health.

This whole St. Olaf
problem is my fault.

I can't believe I forgot
I had those bonds.

How could I be so stupid?

Maybe it was something you ate.

Like food.

Oh, come on, honey, you're
getting worked up over nothing.

I mean, Blanche
is petty and selfish,

but I don't think she would
actually bankrupt a whole town.

God, I look good in diamonds.

Say hello to my four
new best friends. Hello.

They're just on loan from the jeweler
until I decide which one I want to keep.

You know, the good thing
about me is, although I am petite,

I can carry a large stone.

Blanche, don't you even
care about these people at all?

Of course I do, darling. But just
look at how these catch the light.

Oh, I just wish I knew
the right thing to do.

You know, maybe you should sit
down and think about the pros and cons.

Whenever I don't know
what to do, I make a list.

I think making a pro-and-con
list is a wonderful idea.

Here. It'll help you
know the right thing to do.

All right, let's see.
Pro, cashing the bonds.

I get stuff.

Con - St. Olaf, a small
town, faces financial ruin.

Well, that doesn't
help clear anything up.

Wait a minute, Blanche.
There's another con.

This is wrong. Now, come on,
we're family. We always stick together.

We may not always get along,

but we've always been there
when we've needed each other.

Now, look. This is
important to Rose,

and I think we need
to stand behind her.

I mean, you're taking away
a part of her, her home.

Granted, it's the
cradle of idiocy.

I have a frog buried there.

All right, all right.

The bonds are in my
safety-deposit box.

I'll give 'em to
you this afternoon.

Blanche, thank you.

On behalf of the
people of St. Olaf,

I'd like to do a
thank-you dance.

I'll need a pot and a sheet,
a rubber band and a spoon.

Making a drum?

I guess you could.

Milk or lemon?


Forget it, Ma.

What are you saving me for?

OK, Rose, here they
are. Here are the bonds.

Dorothy, I want to thank
you for helping me buy

$25,000 worth of peace of mind.

Oh, Blanche, thank you.

I just got off the phone with
the city fathers of St. Olaf,

and it's been
unanimously decided -

they are going to build a
statue to Blanche Devereaux

right in the middle
of Mrs. Olsen Square.

A statue. Oh, my. Is it
going to be a big one?

Hey! St. Olaf license plates don't
say "Big Statue Country" for nothing.


Well, all right, that does it.

You're all my witnesses.

Oh, speech! Speech! Wait, wait.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

If St. Olaf is flat broke, how are
they going to pay for this statue?

Every penny comes out of the
$500,000 Emergency Statue Fund.


Oh, but you can't touch that fund
unless it's a real statue emergency.

(doorbell rings)

I'm sorry, Blanche.

I've given you some
really bad advice here.

Stanley, if you're here to beg me
again to go to that reception, forget it.

Hey, Stanley Zbornak
does not beg, OK?

I'm a man. I have my
self-respect, my dignity.

Then why are you here?
I need you to tie my tie.

Come on, Stanley. I don't
know how to do it, all right?

The Japanese are
gonna be insulted

if they think I already
did my Sinatra impression.

Are you gonna help me or not?

This reminds me of the
first time I ever did this.

Night of our senior prom.

Yeah, remember?

It took so long to
get the tie fixed,

by the time we got to the
drugstore, it was closed.

I remember. I remember.

(hoarsely) God, Dorothy!

Remember our wedding day?

I made you do this even though
you thought it'd be bad luck

for me to see you
before the ceremony.

What a silly superstition.

You know, Dorothy, all
those years of marriage,

through all the struggles, the one
thing I wanted was to be a success.

Suddenly I have all the
success I want, and it scares me.

I keep waiting for a knock at
the door. "Hi, it's me - Failure."

And I'm scared to face it alone.

What I'm trying to say is,
I need your help Dorothy,

like I did when
we were together.

So, what do you think?

I hate to admit it,
but you look good.

Well, wish me luck.

Uh, Stanley,

why don't you come back
here in about an hour?

Why? It'll take me
a while to get ready.

Oh, thank you, Dorothy.

Besides, I'll need someone
to fasten my pearls.

Aw, babe. The ones I gave you?

No, sweetheart. The real ones.

Explain it to me again, Blanche.

Rose, look, if there's
$500,000 in the statue fund,

why can't they just take
50,000 of it to save the town?

Because that's the statue money.

Well, there won't be anywhere to
put the statue if there's no town left.

Wow. A loophole! Oh...

Hi, it's me - Dorothy and Stan.

Oh, hi. How'd it go?

Ah, it was great.

Those Japanese sure
know how to have fun.

What was that crazy
dance called again?

They were bowing, Stanley.

Wild. They were just wild.
They loved you, Dorothy.

No, they loved you, except, of
course, for those Hirohito jokes.

Too soon?

Rose, do you think we
can go call St. Olaf now,

and you can explain it to them
the way I explained it to you?

Well, we could try. We might not
be able to get a hold of anybody.

It's "Everybody
Hide the Corn" day.

It was a perfect reception.

For once, everything
was perfect.

It was you, babe.
You charmed them.

You were pretty
impressive yourself.

You gave them a
respectable soft sell

and you made a deal
that's gonna profit both sides.

You've come a
long way... Zbornee.

Thanks, babe.

Well, I... I better be going.

It was a good evening.

Zbornak and
Zbornak. What a team.

Maybe we can do
it again sometime.


Thanks, babe.


Dorothy, you're gonna
send me to an early grave.

Too late, Ma. Good night.