The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 18 - Older and Wiser - full transcript

Sophia becomes the recreational director at a senior center.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Well, Dorothy, I'm ready to
go to work. How do I look?

Oh, Ma, you look adorable.

Adorable? I want to
look aggressive, powerful,

like a corporate killer.

Lose the hat.

Perfect. Perfect.

Now you look like
the activities director

at a retirement home.

Oh, Ma, Ma, your first day.
You must be really excited.

You bet I'm excited. This
was a great idea of yours.

It's given me a whole
new lease on life.

I need a raise.

Ma, you haven't even started
yet. I meant help me up.

These new Underalls
are choking my pancreas.

Ma, I think this
will be good for you.

Mr. Porter seems
like a nice man.

I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun
there. And don't forget the money.

I haven't had a
paycheck since 1942,

and then I blew it
all on war bonds.

At least you got it back.

No, Italian war bonds.

I fell for their slick
advertising campaign.

"Buy Italian war bonds -

the quickest, surest, fascist
way to double your money."

Well, let's go.

Ma, you want to make a good
impression? Matching shoes.

They should match my purse?

No, they should
match each other.

Hi, Dorothy. Cooking?

No, Rose, I'm
developing pictures

from the Magellan space probe.

Yes, I'm cooking.

I was just trying to
make conversation.

Don't talk to me
like I'm stupid.

Rose, I'm concerned about
Ma's first day at Cypress Grove.

Oh, I'm sure
she'll do a fine job.

No, Rose, you don't understand.

She only thinks
that she has a job.

I worked it out with
the owner, Mr. Porter.

This flu has really
knocked her for a loop,

and her doctor says she has
to rest for at least three weeks.

I've been working so much,
I figured this is the only way

I can get someone to keep
an eye on her during the day.

Dorothy, that's dishonest. She wouldn't
have gone for it if I'd told her the truth.

And, oh, like you
never told a lie?

That's right. I've
never told a lie.

Well, just once, when I snuck
out of class to go to the movies.

It's not much of a lie.
That's what I thought.

Turned out to be the day
they taught everything.

The final piece of the puzzle.

Ah, girls, it finally happened.

The most wonderful thing happened
to me at the drug store today.

Oh, no. Dr. Scholl was there
in person, and I missed it.

Rose, get new heroes.

I am going to be a model.

There I was, sitting
at the lunch counter,

and just like Miss Lana
Turner, I was discovered.

Well, not exactly
like Miss Lana Turner.

You mean she was sipping a soda

and you were scarfing down
your usual lumberjack breakfast.

Oh, Rose.

Silly, silly,
water-retaining Rose.

She was discovered
for the movies.

I was discovered by a print ad
photographer, and the shoot's today.

Oh, Blanche, haven't you had
enough problems with photographers?

Remember the last time?

Sure, the pictures
turned out fine,

but it cost your friend
his party's nomination.

Well... I checked this
guy out. He's a pro.

Oh, imagine my face
gracing the pages

of Miami's biggest PennySaver.

Blanche, all this commotion
over a PennySaver?

Well, I know it
isn't exactly Vogue,

but it is delivered with
every daily in Miami.

Oh, girls, what a glorious day.

I just feel so pretty and alive
and young as a teenager.

Oh, that's terrific.

By the way, you got a phone call
this morning from your grandson.

He got his driver's license.

Ma, look at this place.

It's lovely.

Don't get any ideas, Pussycat.

I'm not getting any ideas, Ma.

You're scheming. Remember
Shady Pines, Dorothy?

"Honest, Ma, this is the
way to the new Dairy Queen."

Ms. Zbornak. Right
on time. Ah, Mr. Porter.

I'd like you to meet your
new activities director -

my mother Sophia Petrillo.

Activities director?

Surely you remember

the conversation we had last -

Do this for me. You promised.

Activities director?

Oh, of course I remember.
Nice meeting you.

I'm sure you'll get along well
with our, uh, our little gang.

Hi, everybody. I'm your
new activities director.

What's your name, honey? Sophia.

Sophia, move it.
You're blockin' the TV.

Tough room. But don't
worry, I'm highly qualified.

By the way, what actually
does an activities director do?

Basically you'll pop
in the video rental,

be a fourth for bridge, a buddy.

If you do it well, we'll have trouble
telling you from the other residents.

I can do that. Good. If you
need me, I'll be in my office.

Oh, by the way, couple
things you should know.

This is Mr. Lewis. He
won't be any trouble.

He's just sort of, uh, quiet.

And, uh, that's Smokey.

He fancies himself
a ladies' man.

Sort of the, uh, the rooster
of our little henhouse.

Whatever you do,
don't dance with him.

He'll put the moves on anybody.

Smokey, I want you to
meet my daughter. Ma!

I have to go to work, and I
don't want you to worry about me.

I'm going to say to
you what you said to me

the very first day you
dropped me off at school.

"See if you can find someone
who looks clean to drive you home."

I'm sorry. It just bothers me.

Oh, Ma. Cypress Grove
has a great reputation.

Did you see the story they
did about it on 60 Minutes?

No. Short piece.

It was just Mike Wallace
saying, "Sorry I bothered you."

But did you see them?

Some of those people stayed in
front of that TV for eight straight hours.

Of course, throw in
a bag of cheese corn,

and I just described
your Saturday nights.

Ma, Mr. Porter had them resting,

which is something
you might want to try.

I don't like this whole deal.

Shady Pines -
now, there's a home.

Luxury suites,
tennis tournaments.

Want a massage? Dial nine.

And the food.
The filet mignon...

Oh, really, Ma? Shady
Pines had filet mignon?

One. They'd throw it in the
pit and make us fight for it.

What's wrong?

I will tell you what's wrong.

I took Rose here
on my shoot today,

and they want to use her hands.

Imagine. They want to
use my face but her hands.

Can you believe it?

This is the most humiliating
thing that's ever happened to me.

Ah, how quickly you forget
the 1964 Tokyo Olympics.

Big deal. 80,000 people
had to wait 20 minutes.

The torch eventually
got there, didn't it?

Blanche, I'm confused.

So they want to use Rose's
hands. What's the big deal?

Yeah, Blanche, so what?

So life threw the dumb
country girl a crumb for once.

I mean, you're sexy
and beautiful all the time.

Let's face it. You have Bette Davis
eyes and Freddie Krueger hands.

Oh. I have had it with you.

I'm going to my room,
and I may never come out.

Is it the weekend already?

Afternoon, Dorothy. My,
don't you look lovely today?

Why, thank you.

Oh. And don't you
look, uh, beautiful,

vivacious, exquisite
and, uh, uh...

Let's see. Breathtaking?

Dorothy, you know, at some point

I'm going to have to start
questioning your sincerity.

When we get to that
point, I'll let you know.

Can you believe it?

I'm beginning to think
Blanche is hung up on her looks.

Boy, you don't need
lightning to strike you.

No, thanks.

Not again. Once was enough.

An extra piece of the puzzle.

I'm the one who should
be excited. Imagine.

These hands that once
reached inside a chicken

for a breech birth...

will soon grace the
pages of a PennySaver.

You've come a long way, baby.

(Sophia) Hello.

Oh, Ma, I'm glad you're here.

I got a call from Mr. Porter.

He thinks you're pushing the
folks at Cypress Grove too hard.

Big deal. One little
dance-till-you-drop marathon.

It only took ten minutes.

And what's this about their staying
into the night doing homework?

A lot of them sit around
waiting for their kids to write.

So I said, "Why don't you write
to our lonely servicemen instead?"

I mean, we older folks have
to exercise our minds, too.

And don't you forget it, Gloria.

Ma, Gloria is your
daughter in California.

Uh, I-I knew that.

A mere dramatization
to make my point, uh, pal.

Look, Ma, I know that you're
excited about this job, but -

It's more than a job, Dorothy.

That's it. "Dorothy."

When I see them, I see
me. Don't you understand?

Of course I understand.

I know that your heart's in
the right place, but... No "buts."

I'm not going to sit here while
people are forced to throw in the towel.

Have you ever seen
what happens to a person

when their brain is
allowed to disintegrate

and their minds turn
completely to mush?

Hey, my middle
finger's the longest.

Mr. Porter, I came
as soon as I could.

I'm glad you're here. We've
got a problem. It's your mother.

What about her? I don't know
where she is, where any of them are.

She took some of our guests
out for a walk six hours ago.

Have you called the police?

I'll tell them to be on the
lookout for old people in Miami.

There's a lead.

Hi, Pussycat. What
are you doin' here?

Ma, where were you? You said
you were taking them for a walk.

I know, but we got
halfway down the block,

and Lucille said, "I
want a cappuccino."

The only place I know to get a
really good cappuccino is Hialeah.

This is the final warning.

I don't want anything
like this happening again.

Mr. Porter, you hired me to do a
job, and I'm gonna do it my way.

OK, that's it. Charade's over.

What's he talkin' about?

Sophia, you're not
the activities director.

You're here because your daughter
wanted us to keep an eye on you.

I'm afraid we cannot
do that anymore.

Ms. Zbornak, please
don't bring her back.

Keep an eye on me? Is that true?

Look, Ma, I'm not
gonna lie to you.

This man is a patient here.
He could be dangerous.

Let's get out of here before
he starts causing trouble.

Dorothy. OK, OK.

I thought you needed looking after
during the day when I wasn't around,

and I knew you wouldn't
agree to come here as a guest...

So you're saying that this whole
activities director thing was a put-up job?

Mostly his idea. Oh, Ma...

I did it for your own good.

Nobody bothered to consult me

about what was for my own good.

So goodbye, Mr. Porter.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Thank you both for making
me look like an old fool.

(TV playing)

Ma, what are you
doing? I'm recuperating.

You're watching cartoons.

That's what you wanted
me to do at Cypress Grove.

Besides, I like cartoons.
Cartoons don't lie.

Ma, stop it. Is there something
I can get you from the kitchen?

Tea would be
fine. Tea doesn't lie.

Oh, Ma, come on.

Are you saying that you never
stretched the truth with me?

Those were harmless lies.

"All first-grade girls
wear men's shoes"?

I put bows on them, didn't I?

You do the best you can

with a pair of brown Florsheims,

and this is the thanks you get.

(door opens)

Dorothy, it finally came -

the advance copy of
our PennySaver ad.

Bet my hands are better
looking than your face.

Bet my face is better
looking than your hands.

Oh, ladies, ladies, can't
we settle this with pistols?

Come on, open it. OK.

Oh, my God!

What's the matter,
Blanche? Oh, my God!

Oh, come on, no matter
what - Oh, my God!

"Does your face look like this?

"Do your hands look like this?

You need Ponce de
Leon Antiaging Cream."

I'd sue.

Dorothy Zbornak, how could you?

Oh, look, they have
airbrushed liver spots all over us.

Tell me about it.

You guys look like
you should be barking

on the front seat
of a fire engine.

I really would sue.

Oh, Rose, come here, sit down.

I just got off the phone
with the PennySaver.

Now, I think I have an idea, OK?

They have six delivery trucks.

By sheer coincidence, I
know two of the drivers.

I'm not worried about them.

They won't show my
picture if I don't show theirs.

Now, as I see it, of the
four remaining drivers,

only Agnes is a real problem.

Now, Rose, here's a part
of the plan you may not like.

Oh, Dorothy, did you and
Sophia patch things up?

Ah, she's in her room, napping.

You know, it's so ironic.

I sent her to that home, and
there she was vital and happy.

Now she's here,
and, yes, she's resting,

but she's behaving like those
people at Cypress Grove -

camping in front
of the TV all day.

Poor woman.

Do you know what I think the
worst part of getting older is?

Your face? Rose's hands?

No. I think the worst
part about getting older

is that overwhelming sense
of, "Where did the time go?"

Was it really that long
ago I was just a little girl?

Oh, why guess?

Lift up your chin, and
we'll count the rings.

Dorothy, I was about
to share with you

a significant memory
from my youth.

It was the evening my
mother gave birth to Clayton.

In the spirit of the
happy occasion,

Big Daddy and a
few of his cronies

tied one on and went carousing
through the streets of Atlanta,

looking for some trouble.

Just then, as
luck would have it,

who rounded the corner but two
smart-mouthed New York lawyers.

So, one thing led to another,

and, well, Big
Daddy and his friends

ended up sort of skimming
them across Higgins Pond.

It was all in good fun.

Least that was their defense.

Anyway, that was the
night prohibition started.

Blanche, prohibition
started in the '20s.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
meant probation.

Big Daddy went on probation.

And, uh, the point of this
sordid song of the South?

Just that sometimes

a daughter has to look
after her own parent,

as unnatural as that may feel.

Well, it wasn't
unnatural in St. Olaf.

We not only took care of our
old people, we revered them,

honored them, put
them on a pedestal.

'Course, that's how we got to be
the broken hip capital of the Midwest.

That's a beautiful story, Rose.

Very inspirational.

Now we have to stop
those PennySavers.

Let's go see if we can
get your hair greased back

and find you a flannel shirt.

Oh, great, great party, Sophia,

but where's the junk food?

I've got a great
idea for free pizza.

Let's call up that
30-minute pizza place,

tell them we're a
bunch of college kids,

and when the guy gets here,

one of us grandmas will open the
door and say, "What took you so long?"


Oh, it's great to have
you back, Sophia.

It's good to be back.

I was getting tired
of sitting home

and feeling sorry for myself.

They may not have wanted
an activities director here,

but they've got one.

So what do you
say? Let's get active.

(♪ "In the Mood"
by Glenn Miller)

Hey, Mr. Lewis, would
you like to dance?

Oh, I can see
you've had lessons.

Hey, everybody, it's 10:00.

Do you care where
your children are?

(all) No!

Oh, Blanche, there you
are. Where have you been?

My plan with the truck
drivers didn't work,

thanks to Little Miss
Strait-laced here,

so I have been in every
front yard in a six-block radius

gettin' these PennySavers
from the paperboys.

She was a woman
possessed, Dorothy.

Caught some on the fly,
scaled a couple of roofs.

And she had a brilliant idea
how to avoid guard dogs.

You made her wear lamb
chops again, didn't you?

It's not like they
slow her down.

Listen, have you seen
my mother? (both) No.

I can't find her. She's gone.

I ducked my head in her
bedroom. She's not th-

That's it! She never
does what I tell her to do.

It doesn't take a genius
to figure out where she is.

I know. I know.

Wait a minute. It's
true on both hands.


♪ You put your right foot in...

Come on, get 'em in. Get 'em in.

♪ You take your right foot out

Let's go. Let's go.

♪ You put your
right foot in and -

Hurry up, or we'll
never get to the part

where you shake it
all about on purpose.

Oh, God. They got
into the medication.

Ma, what do you
think you're doing?

Oh, look who's here.

Everybody remembers
my daughter Dorothy.

Or maybe you know her by her
Indian name, "Dances With Nobody."

Ma, come home.

I'll come home when
I'm good and ready.

Ma, you have been sick,
and I know what's best for you.

Now, I'm taking you home,
and nothing is going to stop me.

Damn it. I should've
known it was you.

Please, Mr. Porter.
I can handle her.

You haven't been able to so
far. Maybe I can handle her.

Who are you having
a problem with? You.

Oh, perfect. I know
my every move.

These people are
up way too late.

This party's over.
Everybody back to bed.

I danced tonight.
First time in 25 years.

Mr. Lewis, you can speak. How
come you haven't spoken before?

No one was listening.
Not until you got here.

I've been here. Could've
spoken to me. I don't like you.

Don't you see, Mr. Porter,

you're not listening
to these people.

You're only as old as you feel,
and you're making them feel old.

And, Pussycat, you
make me feel old, too,

like I can't make
my own choices.

Ma, I worry about you,

and everything I
did here, well, Ma...

it's because I'm
afraid of losing you.

I understand that, but,
Pussycat, give me air.

I know you love me,

but maybe we can make
decisions about me together.

Yes, Ma, we will.