The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 19 - Melodrama - full transcript

After fearing him dead, Blanche wants her relationship with Mel Bushman to become more serious.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Well, it's unspeakable,
that's what it is.

Absolutely unspeakable.

Oh, Blanche, are you pretending
you just found your first gray hair again?

Dorothy, just because you have to
walk around lookin' like an English lawyer

doesn't mean everybody has to.

For your information,

I'm upset because I had
a date, and he canceled.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Was it anybody special?

Well, that's not the point.

He might have taken me someplace
where I'd meet someone who is.

You know, it's amazing.

Beneath that thin
veneer of superficiality,

somehow, miraculously,

there is another
even thinner veneer.

What am I gonna do?

What on God's green
earth am I gonna do?

You can stay home tonight.

We're gonna watch one of those
John Bradshaw specials on PBS.

Yeah, we're gonna see if we can't
get Dorothy's inner child to shut up.

Good luck.

I'll call Mel Bushman.

Of course. Mel Bushman.

Old reliable. Mr. Backup.

How long has it been?

What, three years
that the two of you

have been insignificant others?

Yeah. Yes, it has been.

Mel and I have
something really unique.

We're like - I don't know.

What do you call it when two people
get together when they need somebody

but don't make demands on
each other when they're apart?

Out-call massage.

That's odd. He's
usually home by now.

Well, he is the zipper king.

Maybe he got stuck in traffic.


Tell me the truth.

Do these glasses
make me look stupid?

Let's just say
they don't hide it.

The consumer show
asked me to test

these chemically treated lenses.

The theory is they don't fog up
when you come in from the cold.

Excuse me.

Rose, you wanna run
that looking stupid question

by us again?

I'm just doing my job.

Rose, leave the glasses in
the refrigerator, close the door

and keep your head
out here with us.

How will I know if they fog up?

The little man
who lives in there

who turns the light on
and off, he'll tell you.

I'm not in the mood for jokes,

especially about the little man.

You know he scares me.

It's really been
hitting me lately.

Everybody's job
down at the TV station

is exciting but mine.

Well, then why not look for
a more challenging position?

I did hear something
about an opening

for a weekend news reporter.

Oh, what am I talking about?
I don't have any experience.

You don't need experience.

You've got the one thing
every TV reporter needs -

hair that doesn't move.

Dorothy, Sophia, I
told the news director

I was interested in the reporter's
position, and guess what he did.

A Danny Thomas spit-take?

No, he's giving me
an actual news story

to cover as an audition.

So I was hoping
you could help me

get comfortable on camera

so I'll be ready when he
gives me my assignment.

You know, Rose,
that's not a bad idea.

This'll be the camera,

and let me see you
interview Dorothy.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not me, not me...

Oh, Dorothy, please.
I'm not good at this.

This is a pretend microphone.

It's really just a hairbrush.

All right, Rose. Ready? Go!

This is Rose Nylund.

We're here chatting with my
good friend Dorothy Zbornak.

Welcome, Dorothy.

Hello. It's a
pleasure to be here.

So, can you tell me what it -

Oh. So tell me, Dorothy,

what's it like being
a substitute teacher?

Rose, honey, excuse me, but I
think you should take another tack.

I'm not saying that
my job is boring...

Say it, Dorothy. Say it.

No, I just feel you should
ask more probing questions.

Okey-dokey. Let's see.


Isn't it a fact that
you have a drawer full

of retirement home brochures

and you're just
waiting for the first sign

of dribble on your mother's chin

to lock her away forever?

(laughs) She - She's kidding.


Your sock drawer, Dorothy.

You know, the -

the one you-know-who
can't reach?

I knew you were keeping
pictures there, but I had no idea.

You disgust me.

Look, I don't have to stand
for this. Nail her, Rose.

Nail her. Remember,
a good reporter

always gets her
story, no matter what.

That sock drawer is my business.

Look, those times that
Ma makes me crazy,

I go into my room and have
some pretend time, OK?

This is Rose Nylund signing
off in a sad, sad situation.

Thanks, Dorothy. That was fun.

Girls, I do not know
what I'm gonna do.

I called Mel all last
night and all of today.

I haven't gotten through
to him yet. Oh, the nerve.

If you wind up
having to read a book

because of that man...
Where can he be?

He never leaves the
house, not even for me.

What is this Bushman-ia
all of a sudden?

This is a man you see,
what, five times a year?

A man you yourself describe

as "Fred Flintstone
with a better car."

Well, I may say things
like that, but the truth is

Mel makes me feel young

and beautiful and special.

When we're together,
we laugh a lot.

Why wouldn't you?
You're both naked.

There's more to Mel and me
than just the physical, Sophia.

We share things.

I couldn't be intimate
with just anybody.

Oh, yeah? What about the guy
who painted our address on the curb?

You make it sound like
it was a one-night stand.

He'll be back when it's faded.

Honey, Mel's probably
just busy with work,

not answering the phone.

You'll reach him. You always do.

Dorothy's right. You're
worrying for nothing.

I remember back in St. Ol-

Hold it right
there, Will Rogers.

None of us is in the mood to
hear one of those St. Olaf stories.

Well, then, here's
one against your will.

But to show you
I'm a good sport,

I'll get right to the part that'll
make Blanche feel better.

Ah. Anyway...

everybody in the
village hated Ingmar.

So we grabbed our torches

and climbed the
hill to his castle

and pounded on
the great oak door,

but there was no answer.

So we got a ladder, climbed up
to the window, and we peeked in,

and to our relief, there
was Ingmar lying on the -

Oh, wait a minute. He was dead.

Oh, my God, Dorothy,
what if she's right?

What if something's
happened to Mel?

Good going, Rose.

Girls, I'm frightened.
You gotta go with me.

I gotta go check on Mel.
Oh, of course, honey.

But I'm telling you, you
have nothing to worry about.

Way to go, Rose. I thought
you said that story would help.

Well, it did.

You don't know how long I've been
waiting to get that one off my chest.

Oh, my God.

There must be two weeks'
worth of papers here.

Now calm down honey.
This doesn't say "dead."

It says... OK, let's
get this over with.

Maybe we better think this over.

We don't have any right to go
breaking into somebody's home.

We're not breaking
in. I have a key.

Let's see.


"Baxter"... Ah, here
it is. "Bushman." No.

Oh, that's Al Bushman.

Here we go. "Mel Bushman."

You know, girls,
I've been thinkin'.

Ever since Mel and I met,

I always figured he'd be
around when I needed him,

but I never thought
about his needs.

All I cared about were mine.

I just always figured he'd
be available, and he was.

Oh, girls, he's always
been there for me.

I just took him for granted.

Oh, honey, honey,
don't do this to yourself.

You take everyone for granted.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Well, so far nothing
seems out of place.

Look at this Exercycle.
It's never been used.

Oh, yeah, we've been
on it. Don't ask, Ma.

Oh, Dorothy, look.

The zipper king's
one millionth zipper.

Ohh. I will never be able
to look at another zipper

without thinkin' of Mel.

Let it go, honey. Let it go.

Mel, is that really you?!

No, it's Claus Von Bulow.

Oh, Mel, it's great to see you.

Blanche thought you were dead.

She did? I love it.

What makes you think
something could kill Mel Bushman?

Where have you been?

I was on a vacation.
What's the big deal?

What made you think I was dead?

If Mel Bushman doesn't answer my
call, then something must be wrong.

You weren't there
when I needed you.

You're always there
when I need you.

Well, when you
deliver such services,

every once in a while, a
man's gotta take a vacation.

All that matters
now is you're alive.

You're alive, and
we're together,

and I'm never gonna let you go.

Tell me she's being dramatic.

When I thought I would
never see you again,

I began to realize just
how much you meant to me

and how much I've
taken you for granted

and how many things I never
had a chance to say to you.

What I'm trying to say

is I realize how
much you mean to me

and that I don't
need anybody else.

I wanna be a one-man
woman, and you're it.

Mel Bushman, I love you.

I'm all ready for my big date.

What big date? You're
going out with Mel Bushman.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

Tonight, Mel and I are starting
a brand-new relationship.

Do you realize how rare it is

to find out the person
you've been sleeping with

is the person you love?

No, but you can't go
by me. I have morals.


Girls, great news.

I got my assignment,
and it's a biggie.

Oh, yeah, a biggie. Real big.

Big, big, big. Cat show?

Dog show.

Miami's 13th annual.

Oh, that's right, ladies.

This afternoon, I'm gonna get
the scoop on man's best friend.

Oh, congratulations, honey.

I know you're
gonna do a great job.

Oh, I just wish my mother
and father were here to see this.

Because they'd
be so proud of you?

No, because they'd be alive.

Oh! My God, I've
got goose bumps.

Mel will be here any minute.

Why are you so jumpy? You've
been out with Mel a thousand times.

I know, but now
there's more at stake.

Everything's changed.
It's all new and exciting.

In many ways, I feel just the
way I felt when I was a virgin.

You mean, the feeling
isn't gonna last long?

Are you implying I lost
my virginity at an early age?

I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and
Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.


Please, Pussycat, I'm on a roll.

I'm sorry, Sophia, but I am
not gonna let your skepticism

ruin my entire evening.

Mel and I were
meant to be together.

I wish I could say the
same for your thighs.

God, I'm hot tonight.

I'm not gonna stand
for this. Take it, Dorothy.

But I'll bet you'll
lay down for it.

Well, that was just plain rude.

Some people just
don't know when to quit.

Look how they pamper these dogs.

They eat when they want
to, sleep when they want to,

go to the bathroom
anywhere they -

Hey, I do have it pretty good.

Now, if I could just get
you to crack the window

when you lock me in the car...

Ma, stop it. Now, I want
you to behave yourself.

We're here to give Rose
moral support on her big day,

and I don't want you doing or
saying anything to embarrass her.

Hi, girls. Oh, hi, Rose.

This is Andy. He's my cameraman.

Andy, these are my friends.

Where do you think
we should set up?

I'm not sure, Mrs. Nylund. To tell
you the truth, this is my audition, too.

How about over there?

Whatever you say.
Whatever you say.

The blind videotaping the blind.

Here goes.

And... we're rolling.

We're here at the 13th
annual Miami Pet Dog Expo,

where you're going - All
right, everybody, hands up!

All right, you, behind
the desk, I want the cash.

Everyone else, I want
wallets and jewelry! Move it!

For God's sake, we've
gotta do something.

But he's got a gun.
What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna do the only
thing a good reporter can do.

Get the story no matter what.

All right, now you
just point your camera

and do exactly as I say.

Give me the ring.

Yes! Hurry up!

This'll be far enough.

Thanks very much for making
this evening a total disaster.

Sweetheart, give
yourself some credit.

It wouldn't have been a
total disaster without you.

Oh... really, Mr. "No Guy
With an Earring Parks My Car"?

My God. You'd think an
elegant restaurant like that

would bring out
the best in a man.

What it brought out
was $250 from my wallet.

It was a special occasion.

Where I come from, $250
is 5 special occasions...

and a bottle of Scotch.

You'd think for all that money,
they'd hang a picture on the wall.

The minimalist décor

is designed to
enhance conversation.

Nothing to look at,
what's to talk about?

I would think I would be enough.

Talk about you? We didn't have
to go out on a date to do that.

You think I'm borin'?

No, sweetheart, I
think you're fantastic.

With a guy like me, a little
fantastic goes a long way.

I mean, look what we got now.

Every couple of weeks you call me
when one of your boyfriends don't show up.

I tell ya, "Bushman awaits."

We rent a movie, we
order some takeout,

we talk about you.

That's entertainment.

I love that.

And we cuddle.

Sometimes we do
more than cuddle.

Sometimes you stay.

That's the part
I like the best -

when you stay.

Every couple of weeks, you bring
a little class to Bushman's place.

Why, Mel Bushman, are
you sayin' you love me?

Yeah. I love you.

I love you the way we are now.

But, sweetheart, you start
with relationships and love,

and I gotta put on a tie twice a
week to eat food I can't even see...

I mean, we got a problem.

I guess that without
thinkin' about it,

you've become a very
comfortable part of my life.

When I thought you were... gone,

suddenly life wasn't so
comfortable anymore.

I really missed you.

Nah, you missed knowing
Bushman awaits. Mm.

Hey, I haven't spent this much
time thinking about feelings

since we rented the
Alan Alda collection.

Mel, I think it's pretty obvious

our new relationship
just isn't gonna work out.

I don't think so.

Why don't we call it off and
go back to being friends?

I got a great idea. Why don't
you come over to my place?

I'm hungry. I'll go to
Wolfie's, get some pastrami.

We can rent Out of Africa.

We've rented it five times and
never made it through to the end.

I know, but it always works.

I do love you, Mel, as a friend.

Like I said, sweetheart,
you got a lot of class.

Life sucks.

Hi, Mel.

You run on home, and I'll be
over soon as I check on Rose.

Bushman awaits.

I didn't get it. What?

I didn't get the job!

Oh, Rose, your little
dog show not go well?

I'm so sorry. Let's
talk about me, then.

Blanche, Rose did something
absolutely incredible tonight.

There was a robbery
at the dog show.

Ma and I were held hostage.

Rose was the
only reporter there.

Well, shoot, I
missed everything.

Let's see the tape. OK.

This is Rose Nylund
for Channel 8 News

here at the Miami Pet Dog Expo,

and I am an eyewitness
to something shocking...


people who look like their dogs.

I said keep quiet
and don't move!

That handsome fella you see
back there with his hand in the air

is Brian Kingsley of Boca Raton.

With him is his
best buddy Barney,

a basset hound you'd swear
was a member of his family.

As we move closer,

you'll notice Barney's collar

matches Brian's Rolex.

What do you think so far?

I'm glad I wasn't there. TV
does put 10 pounds on you.

I'm here beneath
the information table

with Bill Peterson and his
similarly profiled bulldog Churchill.

It's amazing. That bulldog
could be your brother.

But I guess you get
that a lot. Actually, I do.


Uh, could we discuss this later?


Oh, thank you, Blanche,
but there's more.

The police have just informed me

that there was also a
robbery by an unidentified man.

Perhaps this little
fella knows who he is.

I did that last part after
everything quieted down.

I thought it would
kinda tie things together.

(all) Wow.

You didn't cover
the robbery at all?

Was I wrong again?

I mean, I could have
covered the holdup,

but it would have seemed like I
was giving in to sensationalism.

I'm a reporter, damn it.

They sent me to cover a
story, and that's what I did.

I don't believe this.

Rose, this was the
opportunity of a lifetime,

a one-in-a-million shot.

How could - How could -

How could they not
have given you the job?

Maybe the issue here is one of -

Oh, God, what can we call it?

Editorial judgment.

Really? You think
so? Oh, yes, Rose.

Yes, I do.

I guess it just isn't
the story they wanted.

Damn, you're good.

Thank you, Dorothy.

That makes me
feel so much better.

To tell you the truth, I'm still
not ashamed of what I did today.

If Deborah Norville
stopped for every

serious news story that
happened around her,

she wouldn't be
where she is today.

Well, Bushman awaits.

You know, I learned
something tonight.

A relationship is
more than sex and fun

and videos and good times.

Thank God this
isn't a relationship.