The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 17 - There Goes the Bride: Part 2 - full transcript

As Dorothy and Stan plan their wedding, the other girls interview potential new roommates.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(Rose) On the last episode
of "The Golden Girls"...

I'm going out
tonight. With Stan.

No. Yes, Ma. I really am.

I believe you. I said no.

Well, what's the matter, honey?
Did you have a bad time with Ray?

It wasn't Ray.
His ex-wife, Myra,

ran into the Chowderhead's, where
we eating, and started yelling at me.

I tried to convince her that he's
just a friend, but she wouldn't listen.

For some reason, she won't accept
the divorce. I really feel threatened.

Ma... Ma, Stan gave
me an engagement ring.

I see. Excuse me.

You marry this man,
and we're no longer family.

You do this, you are
out of my life forever.

Dorothy, I don't know if you
recognize him without his leather apron,

but this is Erroll. He's
our shoe repair guy.

I told him you're dying
to go out with him.

I'm sorry you made
the trip for nothing.

My mother refuses to accept the fact
that I am getting married in three days.

So, uh, what are
you doin' tonight?

Goodbye, Erroll.

Ma! Dorothy, he's
perfect for you.

He knows your shoe
size and he doesn't care.

It's late. Why didn't
somebody wake me?

Because the last time I walked
into your bedroom unannounced,

some guy missed the
trampoline and almost killed me.

That's the kind of thing I don't
want you to say this afternoon

when we're interviewing
new roommates.

Oh, God, it'd be so much easier if
she didn't have to meet you people.

Well, I hope you
find somebody soon.

Actually, you'll need
two new tenants.

I'm not living with you
and Stan. Yes, you are, Ma.

I want you with us, and besides,
you can't afford to live alone.

Blanche will let me keep my room,
and I have an interview at McDonald's.

If I can see over the
counter, I'm their new fry girl.

Rose, what happened?

My brakes went out,
and the car wouldn't stop.

My whole life flashed
before my eyes

and the Nuderflaken twins played
a bigger part than I had realized.

That must've been
awful. Oh, it was.

I don't know any
Nuderflaken twins.

The mind is a powerful thing.

Think of the 99% you don't use.

I stopped at a gas station and they
were nice enough to give me a ride.

Oh, by the way,
Chuck says, "Yo."

Chuck from Arco
or Chuck from Shell?


Big Chuck from Shell or
Little Chuck from Shell?

Blanche, I think you're spending
too much time at the full-service island.

Oh, boy, I think Myra
tampered with my brakes.

Ever since I went to dinner with her
ex-husband, she's been out to get me.

(phone ringing)

What if that's Myra? I...

Hello? Hello?

I can hear you breathing, you
devil. Now, why are you doing this?

Here, here, here. Just calm
down. Let me handle this.

Hello, this is Blanche Dever...

Oh, Chuck. Yo!

Oh, Dorothy, push the doorbell.

The door's open. I
know, but push it anyway.

(doorbell rings, dogs barking)

This is really amazing, Rose.
The other day I was thinking:

"Why doesn't our doorbell bark?"

It's probably because we
didn't have a "Bark Bell."

I got it to keep Myra away.

You really think
this is gonna work?

Oh, yeah, look at the box.

See how the burglar's
running away from the house?

And he's saying "Yikes!"

Oh, here, honey. This is
for you. I'm afraid to open it.

What if it's from Myra?
Oh, come on, Rose.

What if it's got a deadly black
spider in it that's gonna leap out

and bite me the
minute I open it?

There you are.

You're wise. You're just wise.

Good, you're both here. Listen, I
interviewed a very sweet lady on the phone

and she'll be here soon. So when
she gets here, please pretend to be nice.

Well, this is good news. You've
already turned down about 12 people.

They're either too thin
or too pretty or too young.

It's like you only want to live with a
woman who has no sex appeal whatsoever.

You think we're dogs, don't you?

(doorbell rings, dogs barking)

Now that's too eerie.

The dogs are on my tail
again! Run through the river!

Ma, Ma, we've just put in a
new bell. It's to scare people.

It'll never work.

Hello, are you Truby?

Yes. Blanche? Yes. Come on in.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.
Meet everybody. Rose.

Oh, hello, Rose. I'm Dorothy.

That's Sophia. Sophia.

Won't you sit down?
Oh, yes, thanks.

Well, who's the lucky bride?

You must be referring to
the once and future Mrs. Yutz.

My husband passed
just last summer.

Oh... Passed what?

A slow-moving Winnebago, Rose.

I hate when I get stuck
behind one of those.

He's dead, sweetie.

But, hey, I'm used to it.
I put three in the ground.

Well, what can I tell you? I like
'em old, rich and barely breathing.

Why don't I show you
the rest of the house?

Do you mind if I
ask how old you are?

Oh, 'bout as old as you are.

To lose a husband that young.

OK, places!

♪ Dah-dah-dah! Duh, duh, duh-dum

♪ Dum, dum duh-dum

Remember, teeny steps. We're
not Godzilla attacking the city.

OK. Dearly beloved,

we're gathered here today to join
Dorothy and Stanley in blah, blah, blah,

followed by rings,
and into the vows.

"Dorothy, I vow to you
that my love is pure."

"I do vow, too."

"I vow that my love is strong."

"I do vow, too."

"I vow that I will
love no other."

"I do..." My God, Stanley, I
feel like one of the Shirelles.

"And most of all, I vow that my
marriage to my beloved Dorothy will la..."


As God as my witness and in
front of this entire congregation,

I call an end to this
wedding here and now.

Sophia, this is
only the rehearsal.

It is?

Pretend you didn't hear
that. I'll see you tomorrow.

(doorbell rings, dogs barking)

We're on the lanai!

Rose, you've got to
disconnect those stupid dogs.

But it's working. And besides,
I've already named 'em.

Thanks for letting
me move in early.

Ah, great day for a wedding.

Say, who tied those dead
fish to the back of the car?

It's a St. Olaf tradition.

You drive until you
can't stand the smell

and then that's where you live.

Crazy or stupid?
We think it's a mix.

Hey, what's this? I thought
I cancelled the flowers.

I mean, it looks nice.

Sophia, you've got to stop
this. You're hurting Dorothy.

Don't you love her?
Of course I love her.

Why are you doing this?

I'm saving her from making
the biggest mistake of her life.

You don't know that.

Sophia, I know you're
only trying to protect her.

But let me tell you
about a lesson I learned

when I was a
little girl in St. Olaf:

If you hold a bird
gently, the bird will stay.

But if you squeeze the
bird, his eyes will bug out...

and Mr. Pet Shop
Owner gets very huffy

and he won't let you
touch the birds anymore.

And the mice? He
won't even let... Rose!

What is eight times six?

OK, now that we
have a few minutes...

I think Rose made
two very good points.

One: Not all psychotics
are dangerous.

And two: Honey,
you have to let go.

Dorothy's capable of
making her own decisions.

Does any of this make
any sense to you, Sophia?

Not completely.

I still think Rose has
the capacity to kill.

Oh, Rose. Sorry,
honey. Pencils down.

I could've used a pencil?

Oh, you just look so beautiful.

You know, this reminds me
of the day I married George.

Oh, it was an exquisite wedding.

500 people in
that big, old church

and I didn't have
any underwear on.


I just felt it was
the right thing to do.

My wedding was outdoors.

February 12th.
I'll never forget it.

I wore the most beautiful
white flannel wedding gown.

It even had feet sewn in.

When Stan and I were married,

Stan was crying, I was
crying, Ma was crying.

All for different reasons, but if you
didn't know us, it looked touching.

Oh, Stan and I are
getting married again.

I mean, I've done this
before. Why am I so nervous?

I always get
nervous at weddings.

Weddings and funerals.

I've been to so many
of both I get mixed-up.

Same guest list, same flowers,

handful of rice,
handful of dirt.

The only difference is, after
the funeral it's OK to date.

I'm beginning to like her.

Me too.

You're gonna have
a lot of fun together.

Oh, Dorothy, nobody
can replace you.

Oh, Dorothy, I can't believe it.

You're gonna walk
down that aisle,

and you won't be home tonight.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much.

You know, the only thing that
makes me sad is leaving you and Ma.

Come on. Come on, now.
We got to get you ready.

Do you have somethin'
blue? Do veins count?

Here. I want you to have
this hanky from St. Olaf.

It's got a little blue
embroidery on it.

"Sneeze here."

And you need somethin' new.

I have this other
handkerchief from St. Olaf.

This one's never been used.

Thanks again, Rose.
And somethin' borrowed.

Dorothy, I want you to
have my best bracelet.

Oh, Blanche, that's very sweet.

It's just borrowin' it, you
know. I'll need it back. OK.

You can slip it to me right
after the ceremony. All right.

It's an antique. Give it to me.

Dorothy, you're tremblin'.
Are you that scared?

Yes. Yes, I'm just as queasy
as I was at my first wedding.

Except that I'm pretty positive
this time it's not morning sickness.

Look, I'm probably just upset
because Ma isn't going to be there.

I just wish she could see
Stan the way I see him now.

If she didn't love you, she
wouldn't be fighting so hard.

I know.

All right, let's see, you
got somethin' borrowed,

somethin' blue, somethin'
new. You need somethin' old.

Old enough?

Oh, Ma. Oh, Ma!

My little girl is
getting married.

Oh, Ma, I just wish
you weren't against this.

Look how pretty
you look. Really?

Yeah. Beautiful. You
remember the last time?

We were up all night
letting out that dress.

Oh, Ma, you know,
Stan has changed.

I trust him now, for
the very first time.

Ma, I need your blessing.

It's always hard to let your
children make their own decisions,

but even though
I worry about you,

you always do the right thing.

You have my blessing.

Oh, Ma, thank you.

You know, Pussycat,

we never had that
mother/daughter talk about sex.

Ma, I've had sex more years
than I care to think about.

I know. I think
you're doing it wrong.

(doorbell rings, dogs barking)

Sounds like the
guests are arriving.


You've got a second chance.
But if you hurt my daughter again,

I'll make you miserable
for the rest of my life.

And if I lay off meat and dairy,

that could be as
much as five years.

(doorbell rings, dogs barking)

I cannot take this
another minute.

(barking stops) Oh...

Oh, my God, it's Myra!

This is who you've
been scared of?

So, you're Myra.

Watch out, she's dangerous.

Oh, I'm shaking.

You get that too?

What do you want, Myra?

I just came here to tell you I'm not gonna
bother you anymore. You can have Ray.

But you should know you're not the
only young blonde bimbo in his life.

I don't want your
husband. I never did.

I understand that now.

I think I was just afraid of
starting all over at my age.

My daughter's checking me in

to a lovely retirement
home called Shady Pines.

That's great. Come
out to the lanai,

I'll give you the
lowdown on Shady Pines.

You know, who does
what for cigarettes.

Here comes the beautiful bride.

Wow, look at you.
You look perfect.

Thank you. Stanley,
I'm a little scared.

I'm not. I just feel
this is so right.

Stanley, I think we're
gonna make it this time.

Dorothy, I want you to meet
my best man, Marvin Mitchelson.

Oh, ho-ho. Hello.

Oh, how lovely to meet
you. What an honor.

The honor is mine,
Dorothy. He's a lawyer.

I know who he is. Oh,
Stanley, I'm impressed.

Oh, well, since I made all this money, you
wouldn't believe all the friends I have.

How about this guy?

Dorothy, you're every bit as
lovely as Stan said you were.

Oh, why, thank you.


Yeah, right. Listen,
Marv and I were talking

and you know how
persuasive he can be.

He said that I
should... and I thought...

well, he's the lawyer, and
that's what I'm paying him for.

So why don't you?

Why don't I what?

Just sign. It's nothing big.

It's a little pre-nuptial
agreement that says -

what's yours is yours
and what's mine is mine.

You want me to sign a
pre-nuptial agreement?

You want me to sign a
pre-nuptial agreement?

Stanley, whatever happened to
openness and honesty and trust?

Not to mention the 38 years
that I spent as your wife,

your partner, the
mother of your children.

The woman who held down two jobs while
you were at home, staring at a matchbook,

trying to draw "Winky."

I told you she
wouldn't go for it.

I don't want your money, Stan.
Marvin, give me the agreement.

(slap) (Stan) Ouch!

Weddings. Why do I
always get hit at these things?

Get out, Stanley. Get
out before I need a lawyer.

I think you've got a case.

What about our guests? What
about our honeymoon in Aruba?

I'd be too confused. Would I be
using your money or my money?

Well, we could check
with Marvin. I don't think so.

I love you. Are you sure
you know what you're doing?


Yes, I think I'm doing the
right thing. Please leave.

I have an announcement to make.

I've decided not to make the
same mistake twice. I'm sorry.

She turned him
down. Remember that.

If it's any
consolation, Dorothy,

I think what there was of your
wedding was very beautiful.

And the album won't
be as bad as you think.

The photographer got some great shots
of your friends leaving with their gifts.

Oh, by the way, I want to thank
you for not saying, "I told you so."

When you're as right as I
am, you don't have to say it.

Well, I finished unpacking.

It's hard to get a life full of fun
into a substitute teacher's closet.

Truby, honey, we have to
talk. I know you signed a lease,

but, well, considering
Dorothy's tragic misfortune.

I know, I know, but could I
just stay a couple of days?

I can't stand another
minute in a hotel.

I know what you mean. If I have to
come up with one more fake name. Mm.

Dorothy, I guess we're
sleeping together tonight.

Ma, I have a better idea.

In my suitcase there
are two tickets to Aruba.

I think Stan owes us a
little vacation, don't you?

Aruba! I love Aruba.

Where's Aruba?

Come on, Ma. Get goin'.
We have a plane to catch.

I've got the very things for you to
take with ya. Here, let me get that.

Ugh! God, this has always
been my worst nightmare.

A wedding falling
apart at the last minute?

No, going on a
honeymoon with my mother.