The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 14 - Sister of the Bride - full transcript

Blanche's homosexual brother, Clayton, plans a commitment ceremony with his boyfriend, Doug.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend." ♪

Hello? Frank's Flowers?

Hey, Frank!
Sophia Petrillo here.



Listen, I decided the
price you quoted me

on those centerpieces
is too high.

So I thought maybe
we could make a deal.

Now, my daughter is single.

What do you mean, "Is she easy?"

You're talking about
my flesh and blood.

40% off? Oh, you bet she's easy.

Sure, Dorothy'll love that.

OK, Frank. I'll set it up.

Gotta go.

Who was that? A florist.

Guess who just got a terrific deal
on flowers for the awards banquet.

Really? Oh, gee, Ma, you know,

ever since the two of us
started planning this banquet,



you have been incredible.

I mean, you told me you got
a great deal on the flowers,

the caterer, the
janitorial service.

Oh, I wish I worked
this hard for charity.

You will, Pussycat, you will.

Girls, I just got a letter
from my brother, Clayton.

He says he's coming for a visit
next week and he has a big surprise.

Oh, that's wonderful. I bet I
know what the surprise is, too.

Clayton's met himself a girl,
and he wants me to meet her.

Honey, your brother is gay.

Dorothy, I think that gay thing was
just a phase he was going through.

You know, like, when
Clay was in high school,

all he ever wanted to do
was go see gladiator movies.

It's the same kind of thing.

Almost exactly.

Rose, honey, congratulations!

I hear you've been nominated again
for the Volunteer of the Year Award.

Yep. Seven years I've been nominated
for the Volunteer Vanguard Award,

and seven years I've had to watch
Agnes Bradshaw snatch it away from me.

Well, she's not gonna
do that this year.

This year, I'm finally gonna
beat her. I'm gonna win!

Why? Because you
worked harder than Agnes?

Because she's dead.

Yep! As a doornail.
Dead, dead, dead.

Coffee?

Rose, how can you be so
cheery? It's a terrible thing.

Come on, she was 89,
and she died in her sleep.

She fell asleep
driving the bookmobile.

It was a tragedy. She was
my only real competition.

Dead, dead, dead.

Muffin?

(doorbell)

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Clayton! Blanche!

Oh! You're still the
handsomest man I know.

And you're still the
prettiest thing I ever did see.

Now I know why they
call it the "Deep" South.

You remember everybody. Oh,
ladies, it is so good to see you again.

Good to see you. All
right now, baby brother,

I've waited all week. Where
is it? Where's my surprise?

Hello, everyone.

Surprise.

You can just put the
luggage over there. OK.

Clay, I don't have any
change to tip the driver.

Uh, Blanche... I don't know why
you took a cab from the airport.

Blanche... You should've called
me. I would've picked you up.

Blanche, this is
Doug. He's my friend.

My very special friend.
Well, any friend of Clay's is...

Ah-so.

Isn't it wonderful that
they became so close

between the airport and here?

I hardly ever speak
to my cab drivers.

Rose, Doug is not a cab driver.

No, ma'am. Actually,
I'm a policeman.

Oh. Well, what's
a policeman doing

bringing fares from the airport?

I know! I bet you
do undercover work.

And I'll bet he
does it damn well.

You'll have to excuse my mother.
She survived a slight stroke,

which left her, if I can be
frank, a complete burden.

Why don't we all go out to the
kitchen and get something to drink?

That sounds good. Say, have you
ladies known Blanche for a long time?

Oh, yes. You're in luck.
She just loves policemen.

Apparently, it's
a hereditary trait.

I'll say this for Clayton,
he has great taste.

Doug is absolutely
charming. And funny.

It's not every cop who can do
a good Bette Davis impression.

I think I did a great job
covering up how upset I am.

You mean, like how
you started sobbing

when Clayton asked
for more fruit cocktail?

I don't really mind
Clayton being homosexual.

I just don't like
him dating men.

You really haven't grasped the
concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

There must be homosexuals
who date women.

Yeah. They're called lesbians.

Hot damn! It's happened!
It's finally happened!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

I take it we now get
The Disney Channel.

Even better.

You are looking at the winner of
this year's Volunteer Vanguard Award.

Oh, Rose, honey, what
are you talking about?

That award isn't going to
be given out until Saturday.

I called to confirm our
reservations for the banquet

and they said I don't
have to pay for my ticket.

The Awards Committee
is paying for me. So?

The Awards Committee
wants to make sure

that I'll be there to
accept the award

It's the only logical
explanation. I won!

Oh, Rose, honey, I think you're
putting the cart before the horse.

And that's bad?

Look, Rose, I just don't
want to see you get hurt.

Oh, Blanche, Doug
and I were wondering

what's happening with
the sleeping arrangements.

Well, I'll be there in just a
moment to get you two settled in.

Now, if you sleepy
heads could wait just a...

Sleeping arrangements?

What in hell am I gonna do
about the sleeping arrangements?

Well, honey, why can't
you sleep on the couch

and give Clayton
and Doug your room?

Are you crazy? What
will the neighbors think

if they see two
men in my bedroom?

They'll think it's Tuesday.

They can sleep in Ma's
room and she'll sleep with me.

Oh, Ma doesn't get a say. It
doesn't matter what Ma thinks.

Ma's a piece of furniture who
has no feelings or opinions.

Nonsense, my little hat rack.

Blanche, I don't understand you.

You can't very well say
you've accepted Clayton

unless you're willing to
accept the fact that he dates.

Rose is right, and besides,
Blanche, in this day and age,

you should be thrilled that he's
in a monogamous relationship.

Of course you're right.

I've just gotta stop
this overreacting.

Doug and Clayton are
two consenting adults.

There's no reason
to be embarrassed.

Blanche, it's such a beautiful night, Doug
and I are gonna go out for little a walk.

OK. Don't wait up.

Well, enjoy your walk.

I'm fine. I'm OK. I
can deal with this.

Oh, look. They're
skipping. Oh, God!

Joke! Joke! Just
a joke! It's a joke.

I just had the
strangest crank call.

Some man wanted to know if I
owned a riding crop and a leather bra...

and if I could lick my eyebrows.

What did you say? I said no.

I guess we're paying full
price for the cocktail franks.

Good news. Clayton and Doug said
they'd love to go to the banquet with us.

What? Oh, are you out of
what is left of your mind?

Why did you invite them?

I want everybody there
for my moment of triumph.

And it'll be a lot of fun. Fun?

Don't you understand?
They will be there together.

But, Blanche,
they're here together.

Well, Dorothy, that's different.
We're talking about going out in public.

Oh, what are people gonna say?

Probably nothing we
haven't heard before.

Oh, Clay, I was
just telling the girls...

We heard what you
were telling them, Blanche,

and I am truly sorry
you feel that way.

Will you tell me why you want to
put yourself and Doug through this?

You know how people can be.

And if my own sister can't
accept our relationship,

what chance would I have
with anyone else, right?

Right. No!

No, what I mean...
We get what you mean.

Blanche, we don't have to worry about what
the world thinks about our relationship.

It just doesn't matter, because
we're there for each other.

I'd do anything for Doug, and
he'd bend over backwards for me.

Sometimes I just love
to hug my mommy.

I think it's time you told
her, Clayton. Told me what?

I wanted you to meet Doug
for a very important reason.

Well, why?

Blanche, we're getting married.

Oh, that's impossible, Clayton.
Brothers can't marry sisters.

Oh, that's right,
you're from the South.

Blanche and Clayton aren't
getting married, you airhead.

Clayton and Doug are. Oh.

Oh!

Oh?

It'll be a simple ceremony,
just exchanging rings

and affirming our commitment to
each other in front of our friends.

I mean, it's not like it's
gonna be a big, fancy wedding.

Although we are registered
at Neiman Marcus.

Well, you have pulled some stunts
in your day, Clayton Hollingsworth,

but this takes the cake.

I cannot believe
what I just heard.

I refuse to have
any part of this!

Oh, Blanche. Oh!

Blanche!

So, Butch, Sundance...

who gets to throw the bouquet?

And the winner of tonight's
Volunteer Vanguard Award

is Rose Nylund.

The crowd goes wild!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

What a surprise. I'm
absolutely speechless.

Except for the
one I've prepared.

Laughter from the crowd.

First of all, I would like
to thank all the little people

who have made tonight possible.

Thank you, little people.

Smile for the photographers.

Wave to the fans.

Rose, they're about to
announce the winner.

I wish Blanche would've
come to see me win my award.

Honey, this thing with Doug and
Clayton has been pretty rough on her.

Just to bring me up to speed,

it's the brother-marrying-
a-gay-cop-thing, right?

That's a big part of it.

I don't see what the problem is.

I think they make
a lovely couple.

Well, maybe "lovely"
isn't the right word.

They certainly
make a husky couple.

Ladies!

I think a toast is in order.

Here's to the woman of the hour.

A woman whose grace
and kindness and warmth

and concern for others
is an inspiration to us all.

Here's to... Blanche!

And he's mad at her. Think
what he's gonna say about me.

Blanche, you don't know how
much it means... I'm not here for you.

I realize this is a very
important night for Rose,

and that's why I came.
Just don't mind me.

Um... to Rose.

I liked his toast
to Blanche better.

May I have your
attention, please?

We have now come to the
moment you've been waiting for,

but before we
hand out the award,

I just want to thank all those people
who made this evening possible.

Especially my daughter, Dorothy.

Dorothy, stand
up and take a bow.

(whistling)

If I'm not mistaken, all the
waiters were whistling at me.

Maybe they never saw
anyone eat a steak that fast.

OK, on with the award.
Oh, God. This is it!

Good luck, honey. Break a leg.

Oh, please, oh,
please, oh, please!

The winner of this year's
Volunteer Vanguard Award is Rose...

Yes! ...hand me that
glass of water, please.

Wow! What a surprise!

Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time in history,

we have a posthumous
winner - Agnes Bradshaw!

It's a fix! She's dead!

She doesn't need that on her
mantel - she's on her mantel!

Uh, at this time, the
Awards Committee would like

to ask Agnes' dear friend
and our favorite runner-up,

Rose Nylund, to
accept the award for her.

What a surprise.

I am absolutely speechless.

Except for the one
that I have prepared.

Laughter from the audience.

What can I say about
my good friend Agnes?

I'll never forget the
last time I spoke to her.

She said, "Rose, I
don't understand you.

You work so much
harder than the rest of us."

And I remember I said,

"Well, couldn't this wait just a
minute? I'm reading to the blind."

That's enough, Rose.
Oh, but it's so golden.

Let it go. Come on, let it go.

Let it go, you loser!

Thank you, Rose Nylund.
Let's give her a big hand.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Uh, Dorothy, I'd like you
to meet Irving Kapella.

He's the one who did the ice
sculptures. Aren't they nice?

75% off.

Irving would very
much like to take you out

for some cappuccino
and salsa dancing.

Maybe some other time.

Hey, I thought we had a deal.

Ma, what is he talking
about? What kind of deal?

Pussycat, you know
how much I love you.

You sold me, didn't you?

I didn't know what to
do. I had no budget.

Oh, my God. Now
it all makes sense.

Why the hat-check guy
serenaded me with "Moon River."

Why the chef gave me
that extra large cut of beef.

Why the bus boy did
that thing with his tongue.

Ma, how could you do this?

OK. Hey, Irving. Huh?

Sorry. Our deal is off. My daughter
doesn't want to go out with you.

But we shook on
it and everything.

If it makes you feel any
better, I'll go out with you.

Instead of her, I go
out with you? Right.

OK.

It's so good to see
you again, Blanche.

And who have we here?

Hello, I'm Susan Dodd. I'm
Clayton, Blanche's brother.

And this is Doug, he's my...

Fire! Fire! Everybody out!

Small fire.

It's out now.

So, who's for decaf?

Smooth!

Blanche, how could you do that?

What did you mean when you told
me that you could accept my being gay?

Did you mean it was OK
so long as I was celibate?

It was OK so long
as I don't fall in love?

Doug is a part of the
family now. My family.

And if you don't like it, then you
don't have to be a part of my family.

Blanche, I've been thinking
about Clayton and Doug,

and I have a question. What?

Why do men have nipples?

I have no idea. You think it's
because God has a sense of humor

and isn't as uptight
as the rest of us?

It's easier for you
to say that, Sophia.

It's not your brother who's
getting married to a man.

Hey, it's not like the guys in
my family never kissed a man.

Of course, that was business.

Although there
was that one hit man

who always had to
have a flower in his lapel

and would hold the kiss of
death a little longer than he had to.

Oh, look, I can accept
the fact that he's gay,

but why does he have to
slip a ring on this guy's finger

so the whole world will know?

Why did you marry George?
We loved each other.

We wanted to make a lifetime
commitment. Wanted everybody to know.

That's what Doug
and Clayton want, too.

Everyone wants
someone to grow old with.

And shouldn't everyone
have that chance?

Sophia, I think I see
what you're getting at.

I don't think you do.

Blanche, will you marry me?

Thank you, Sophia. I
need to go talk to them.

Fine. But I'll need an answer.
I'm not gonna wait for you forever.

Rose, honey, you feeling
better? I'm still so ashamed.

Oh, Rose, nobody's gonna
remember you even making that scene.

When we left, everybody
was still talking about

Dorothy leading that
busboy conga line.

Besides, there's
always next year.

Well, I've made a decision.

I'm gonna throw
myself into charity.

I'm gonna spend all my free time

making other
people's lives better.

I lost sight of the real goal.

It isn't about fancy banquets.

It isn't about getting
your name in the paper.

It isn't about winning
the award next year.

There now, that's the spirit.

It's about getting that dead
woman's name off of this one.

We have to talk. There is
nothing for us to talk about.

I wasn't speaking to you.

I have just one
question for you. OK.

Do you love him?
What do you mean?

Well, you see, he's
my baby brother,

and I've always felt it was my
responsibility to look out for him.

So, I can't just let him get
married to just anybody.

So, do you love
him? I do. Very much.

Well, good, 'cause so do
I. You mean that, Blanche?

Because Doug loves me for what I
am, not for what he wants me to be,

or wishes I were.

I guess I deserve
that. I guess you do.

Well, Clay, this is
very difficult for me.

I still can't say I understand
what you're doing,

but I do intend to try to
respect your decision to do it.

I want you to be happy.
I am happy, Blanche.

I know.

So, are you telling me you are ready
to have a brand-new brother-in-law?

I suppose I am.

Now, look here.
Now, he's not perfect.

Has a stubborn streak
and a bad temper...

And he snores.

That'll just be
our little secret.

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