The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 15 - Miles to Go - full transcript

Rose learns that her boyfriend Miles is really Nicholas Carbone, a mob witness relocated to Miami by the Witness Protection Program.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Blanche. Oh, hi.
How was school today?

Ah, pretty good.

Almost half the class
came back after the fire drill.

Uh, price tag pinned
to right sleeve.

What are you doing?

I'm taking the tags off
this dress and saving them

so I can put them
back on again tomorrow.

That way, when I take it back,
they won't know I've worn it.

You're going to wear a dress,
then return - Blanche, that's illegal.

Oh, it is not illegal.
It's just... wrong.

See, I love the dress,
but I can't afford it,

not $300 worth.

And I have a late date tonight,
so I want to look stunning for it.

Besides, it's not like I'm
gonna wear it all that much.

I'm just gonna put
it on and take it off.

Then put it on and come
home and take it off again.

Dorothy, great news.
Gladys Goldfein called.

She's taking me to
see Tony Bennett.

Oh, Sophia, that's terrific.

Tell me about it. I won't have to
spend that evening with Dorothy.

No offense, my
little Scrabble-holic,

but there's more to life
than a double-word score.

Strange attitude coming from
a woman who tried to choke me

because I challenged
the word "flot."

Can you believe
it? Tony Bennett.

What that man does
to me with his voice

your father couldn't
accomplish with his hands.

I know what you're
talking about, Sophia.

There are men's voices that
get me going like that, too.

Blanche, there are men's socks
that can get you going like that.

Hi, everybody. Hi.

Do we all remember
what today is?

I'll go out on a limb
and say Thursday.

But you can't go by me. I'm in
and out on my children's first names.

It's the 117th anniversary
of the birth of Robert Frost.

I love him. Always
nippin' at your nose.

That was Jack Frost.

Robert Frost is the guy who
interviewed Richard Nixon on TV.

Who's the dumb one now?

Ah, you're still the
reigning champ, Rose.

That was David Frost.

Robert Frost was a
famous American poet.

And when I was with him, he
was always nippin' at my nose.

Some people found it
obnoxious. For me, it was a turnon.

Miles is cooking dinner to
celebrate Frost's birthday.

He invited us all,
and we accepted.

I don't remember
ever agreeing to that.

Sure you did. I
distinctly remember

you said, "Oh, boy,
Miles reading poetry.

Sign me up. Sign me up."

You sounded pretty definite.

Sarcasm, Rose.
That's like when I say,

"You're so lucky to
be a natural blonde."

Thank you.

Just forget it, Rose.
I have a late date.

You can leave early.
A promise is a promise.

Now, look, we're
all very fond of Miles.

Besides, a little culture
wouldn't hurt any of us.

All right, we'll go.

But I'd rather stay
home and eat flot.

So overall, then,

what I'd say Frost is most
significantly remembered for

is his simple, clear use of
language and uncomplicated imagery

to express the quiet values
of a rural New England life.

Are we home yet?

My, oh, my, oh, my.

Just look at all the
other places to be.

I mean, it is amazing, isn't it,

how with a few
carefully chosen words,

a poet can convey the immediacy

of a specific life experience?

You don't have to tell me. Remember,
I grew up in a small farm town.

"Here a quack, there a quack..."

"everywhere... a quack, quack."

Hey, look, there's a
black guy doing the news,

and it isn't even the weekend.

Ma, did you turn that on?


(man on TV) Thanks, Steve. And
Lord knows we can use the rain.

In the news this hour,

one of the FBI's ten
most wanted criminals,

escaped convict and
underworld kingpin

Mickey "The Cheeseman"
Moran is dead...

Ma, turn it off, now.

Uh, no. Let's just
hear that to the end.

He was blown up this morning

outside his home
in suburban Chicago

by a bomb attached
to the ignition of his car,

a violent end for a violent man.

You know what, ladies?

What do you say we take a
rain check on the poetry reading?

I'd say no dice. Doesn't "rain
check" mean we'd have to come back?

When she kids you like
that, it means she likes you.

Ah. Well, I do have a few papers
to grade, and I could use the time.

Here. Rose, here are the
poems I was going to read.

Why don't you look them over?

We'll discuss them the
next time we're all together.

So long. Bye, Blanche.

Actually, I was
describing the evening.

Yeah, Burnett? Miles Weber.

I just heard about "The Cheeseman"
on TV. Can it be? Am I free?

(phone rings)


Oh, Gladys, buby.

You what?

Goldfein, I put a
Sicilian curse on you.

You'll be barren!

OK, worse - you won't be barren.

And you know
what else, Goldfein?

That sandwich I gave
you yesterday - it was ham.

Ma, what is it?

Gladys wants to take a man
to Tony Bennett in my place.

Oh, Sophia, calm down, honey.

It's all right if you want to drop your
girlfriend because a man asks you out.

That's the law of the jungle.

Thank you, Sheena,
Queen of the Slut People.

Ma, Gladys is your best friend.

She didn't do this
to hurt your feelings.

It was probably an accident.

She must have forgotten
that she already invited you.

Let me tell you something.
There are no accidents.

Nobody wrongs someone
without meaning it.

Come on, that's ridic-Aah!

Ohh! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I was
gonna take this dress back.

I am sorry, Blanche.
You are sorry?

Oh, come on, it was
an accident. Or was it?

Well, I will tell
you one thing -

you are paying for this dress.

I am not paying for the dress.

I will pay for the dry
cleaning and that's all.

I told you before, you can't return
something after it's been worn.

I certainly can't now
after your little spasm.

I wanted to wear
something tonight

that Duane's never seen me in.

Maybe you should try underwear.

(doorbell rings)

Miles, I thought you
were grading papers.

No, I wasn't. I lied.

Oh, my God. What
were you grading?

Rose, Rose, I have
wonderful news.

But I think you better sit
down first before you hear it.

OK, you're the professor.

Well, see, I'm not.

No, I'm not really
a professor. What?

And my name is not
really Miles Weber.

Well, then who...?

What are you
talking about, Miles?

Rose, my real name
is Nicholas Carbone.

I was an accountant in Chicago,

and my biggest client
was the dead man we saw

on the TV news
bulletin this evening.

The Cheeseman?
Yeah, that's right.

You have to believe me.

By the time I found out about
it, I was too deeply involved.

I was arrested. The feds
tried to pin everything on me.

You mean - Did they -
Have you been to prison?

Oh, no. I couldn't
let that happen.

Can you imagine what
my life would've been like

if the other inmates found
out how much I love to dance?

No, the D.A. offered me a deal,

and I turned state's evidence.

Which put my client Mr. Moran
away for a long, long time.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Yeah, you're a snitch.

No, I'm not a snitch.
I am an informant.

Oh, a snitch in a tie.

The point is, it all would have
been behind me, but he escaped.

The government had to put me
in the Witness Protection Program.

Gave me a new name,
new job, whole new identity.

I don't know what to say.

I can't believe this
story you're telling.

But you can believe the
story about Henrik Felderstuhl,

St. Olaf's half-man,

I'm telling you, when he
rubbed his legs together,

you'd swear you
were on a camping trip.

OK, let me get this straight.

You mean to tell me you are
personally acquainted with men

who do bodily harm to
private citizens for money?

I can't deny it, Sophia. Yes.

Then take down this
address. Gladys Goldfein, 326 -


I know this is a
little overwhelming,

but try to look at
it through my eyes.

I have my life back now.

For the first time in years,
I've been able to call my friends,

let 'em know where I am.

Well, you may
have your life back,

but I've had the rug
pulled out from under mine.

Sweetheart, I...
I had no choice,

but, Rose, I want you to know,

the one thing I was never faking
was the way I feel about you.

How can I believe you? How can I
believe anything you've ever said to me?

Look, I know it sounds
awful, but it's not.

I can be free. I can
go back to Chicago.

And, sweetheart, I
want you there with me.


Go to Chicago?

I don't even know you!

Oh, Rose, honey, we know
how confused you must feel,

but no matter how
unfocused your emotions are,

you must try to express them.

So just go ahead and cry
if you want to, or scream

or throw things if you have to,

but let those
feelings out, honey.

Let 'em fill this room.


I know, baby. I know.

Oh, Rose, this is terrible.

You have been robbed of the
most basic sense of security.

No matter what else is
happening, at the very least,

I know that when I
come home at night

you are you, Blanche is Blanche,

and Ma - if she's
taken her medication -

is my mother.

I don't know what's
real anymore.

When I think of the
things I've told Miles,

the things he's told me.

The things we've
told each other.

Things we've said
in a restaurant.

Things we've said on
our way to a restaurant.

Things we've said
on the way home...

The two of you
shared! We get it!

But who was I sharing with?

If you say something to
somebody who isn't really who he is,

have you actually
said anything or not?

And if he's heard it as
someone he really isn't,

has anything you've
said actually been heard?

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

She wants to know
what to do about Miles.

Drop him. Ma...

When someone you trusted tells you
something that turns out not to be true,

wash your hands of them,
give them the boot, dump 'em.

A little bit of Gladys Goldfein
slipping into this opinion, Ma?

Who else are we talkin' about?

Now I know how my friend
Mary Jane von Helfenpfelfer felt.

Oh, well. Considering what you've
been through, go ahead, Rose.

She took a vacation to Mexico

and she found
this poor, scrawny,

helpless little Chihuahua
puppy on the street.

She brought it home
to St. Olaf with her,

and she nursed
it back to health.

She loved it. She
took it to bed with her.

She taught it to fetch.

She'd throw a ball,
and he'd bring it back,

and she'd throw a ball,
and he'd bring it back.

Well, I guess I
don't have to tell you

that's pretty much
what "fetch" is.

How much longer are we
gonna circle the airport, Rose?

You wanna bring this baby in?

When she took the
puppy to get his shots,

the vet told her the bad news.

He said, "Mary Jane,
this is no Chihuahua,

this is a rat."

And the point, Aesop?

I thought Miles was a Chihuahua.
It turns out he was a rat.

You know, I once
prepared a six-course meal

with what I thought was chicken.

But it turned out to be a... Ma!

Rose, in my heart, I cannot
believe that Miles is a rat.

He just fell in with the
wrong people, that's all.

Now look, I know you have a date
with him tomorrow night. Keep it.

I'm sure you'll find he's the
same caring, sensitive man

you've known all along.

My God, it wasn't my
confirmation dinner, was it?

Your pop sure
made everyone laugh

when he made
the little feet dance.

Rose, how did your date go?

Oh, Dorothy, you
were absolutely right.

It was better than I
could've dreamed.

When we sat down to our meal,

Nick ordered a whiskey
neat and a shrimp cocktail.

Which was positively uncanny,

because Miles
always began his meal

with a whiskey neat
and a shrimp cocktail.

You haven't had much experience

with the uncanny,
have you, Rose?

Oh, Rose, I thought
I heard your voice.

I want you to start at the
beginning, and tell us everything.

Booze, shrimp. You're
up to speed. Go, Rose.

Well, to begin with, I had
an absolutely fantastic time.

He's the same
man, the man I love.

And that's why I told him...

I'd go to Chicago with him.

You'd what? You're
not moving, are you?

Only for three months so he can clean
up some business, then we'll be back.

Oh, Rose, I'm so happy
everything worked out.

Rose, I never thought I'd
say this, but I'm gonna miss ya.

Your laugh, your smile,
your St. Olaf stories...

OK, I'm over it now.

Gee, Ma, I think it's nice how things
are working out for Rose and Miles.

It had to happen sometime,
Pussycat. (doorbell rings)

Rose found a man. And pretty
soon, Blanche will find a man.

And before you know it, you -

You should buy a
parakeet or something.

Gladys. Honey, how are you?

Fine, Dorothy. Is
your mother home?

Uh... No, I can't
say that she is.

I've been trying to call, but she keeps
hanging up on me. You sure she isn't home?

No... I still can't
say that, no.

Would you like to
leave a message?

Oh, I don't know. I just
wanted to apologize.

What took you so long?

Ma, when did you get in?

Oh, Dorothy, grow up.

So, are you reading from
a prepared statement,

or are you feeling
cocky enough to wing it?

I came because I was thinking,

at our age, the last thing
you say to somebody

might be the last thing you say.

So I just want you to
know that I'm sorry, Sophia.

I want to take
you to the concert.

Buby. Faccia bella.

Dorothy, learn from this.

This is what
friendships are built on -

loyalty, mutual respect, trust.

Give me my ticket.

What? Gladys, you yutz.

These aren't for Tony
Bennett. They're for Tony Martin.

Of course they're
for Tony Martin.

You think I'd camp overnight
for tickets to Tony Bennett?

Tell you what, sweetheart.

Take Milton. Have a swell time.

Only this time, don't throw
your underwear on the stage.

Then why go?

Oh, why couldn't they put Tony
Bennett and Tony Martin on the same bill?

Ah, who am I kidding? There
will never be another Woodstock.

(door opens)

I am never shopping at
Fiedler Brothers again.

I beg your pardon?
It's a little late for that.

I've never been so
humiliated in my life.

What about the time you
lost the key to your handcuffs

and had to go with that
guy on his mail route?

It seems that before
I returned the dress,

I was so busy putting
the price tags back on,

I neglected to remove
the dry cleaning tag.

Not only did they refuse
to take the dress back,

the store manager had the gall
to accuse me of being dishonest.

That's terrible, Blanche.

If I were you, I'd take
my dishonesty elsewhere.

They made me pay.

$300 for a dress
I didn't even want.

Blanche, it's only fair.

You tried something
crooked, and you got caught.

Now you're gonna have
to scrimp and cut corners

and find some way to pay for it.

I already have.

The rent increases
go into effect tomorrow.

All except Sophia.

Why not her?

The rent increase was her idea.

So I'm the one musketeer.
I'll make new friends.

You won't believe
the horrible thing

I just heard on the radio.

Rose, we go through
this every time.

"This is merely a test.

In the event of an
actual emergency..."

No, the news! I was
just listening to the news,

and The Cheeseman
isn't dead. What?

A coroner's investigation proved
that Moran staged the whole thing.

He's alive? And he knows that Miles
is seeing Rose, and Rose knows me,

and they always hold
the prettiest one hostage.

Oh, if I could just do something

to make myself less attractive.

Try soap and water.

I have to call Miles. He must
be out of his mind with worry.

Rose? Oh, darling, we heard.

Rose, it's awful. Oh...

We don't have much time.

I'm so sorry about this, Miles.

Can we get this guy outta here? I
don't want to be killed at my age.

That would be like getting
tackled on the one-yard line.

Rose, you realize that
Chicago is out of the picture now.

There's no way we
can just stay in Miami?

No, no. That's
impossible, too, sweetheart.

I don't know where the
government's gonna move us,

but all I do know is
everything's gonna be fine

as long as the two
of us are together.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Maybe we better try Springfield.

He'd never find
us in Springfield.

Which Springfield? Aha!

Girls, don't worry. As soon
as Miles and I are settled,

we'll let you know where we are.

No, Rose, I'm afraid
we won't be able

to let anybody
know where we are.

But we won't tell a soul,
even when we come to visit.

You can't visit.
It's too dangerous.

At least we'll be able
to phone? No, I'm sorry.

What about my children?

Rose, it's just too risky,
for us and for them.

Oh, Miles...

This is an impossible decision.

Oh, I love you so much.

Rose, I love you, too.

But... I also love my
friends and my family,

and the thought of leaving...

I'm sorry.

All right. I understand.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Miles.

Rose, there won't be a day I
won't be thinking about you.

Goodbye... Rose, darling.

You take good
care of her, ladies.

Miles, your poetry book.

Keep it, and when
you read page 73,

think of me.

"And when to the heart of man

"was it ever less than a treason

"to bow and accept
the end of a love

or of a season?"

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