The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Bloom Is Off the Rose - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(woman on radio) Thank
you, Jack. I'm Dr. Kelly.

We're going to be talking about
mothers and daughters, the dark side.



And we're ready for
our first call. Hello?

Hi, you're on the
air with Dr. Kelly.

I need your first name
only. My name is Cher.

And your problem, Cher?

I have a 55-year-old daughter
named Dorothy, Dorothy Zbornak.

She's got problems.

First names only,
please. I told you, it's Cher.

Zbornak. You said
Dorothy Zbornak. Oh, sorry.

So what's wrong with
this Dorothy Zbornak?

She's still living home,
and she's cramping my style.

Have you done anything
in a positive direction

to encourage separation?

When I hear her coming, I hide.

Uh, gotta go.



Morning, Ma. Good
morning, Pussycat.

(♪ humming)

Blanche, honey, are you OK?

Never better. Why?

I've just never seen you
do anything domestic.

Dorothy, I've done the
laundry thousands of times.

Oh, by the way,
we're out of ble-ach.

Blanche, you dropped
these. Oh, thanks.

Men's underwear?

Getting a little misty,
are you, Pussycat?

I don't believe it.

Blanche Devereaux
doing laundry for a man?

Not just any man.
Rex Huntington. Ohh...

Rex Huntington?

Isn't he the guy who
stood you up last week?

Yeah, he did, but I
happen to like the man,

so I'm giving him
a second chance.

That was his second chance. He
stood you up the week before that.

You're enjoying this,
aren't you, Dorothy?

Oh, yeah.

Look, Rex and I have had
lots of nice dates together.

Maybe he's a
little unpredictable,

but that's what
makes him so exciting.

That and... these.

I wish Miles was
more unpredictable.

I know where I'm
going every night.

Miles and I are in such a rut.

It was never like
that with Charlie.

You want to talk about a rut, try spending
three nights in a row with this one.

Ma, I thought you liked the
lunar landing jigsaw puzzle.

Sure, Pussycat. It makes whatever
time I have left seem so much longer.

I hate to admit it,

but my relationship with
Miles is really getting boring.

We even make love the same.

How?

Well, first he says, "Let's
go watch TV in the bedroom."

And then I think, "Wait, he
doesn't have a TV in the bedroom."

And then he says, "Come
lie down. I won't try anything."

And then we have four
hours of the most boring sex

you've ever had in your life.

Four hours?

I guess it could take less

if I stopped
playing hard to get.

Ma, you you put
Buzz Aldrin's head

on Neil Armstrong's body.

I did? Yes, Ma, you did.

I'm so ashamed.

I wouldn't blame you if you
sent me to bed. Now, right now.

Look, Ma, it's important to be
accurate. Now look at the box.

Hey, Pussycat, it says
here, "From ages 8 to 80."

I'm out. I'm out.

Come on, Ma.

Hi, Dorothy, Sophia.

You kids have fun tonight?

Oh, did we ever.

There's this sewing
shop on Fourth Street.

In the back they've got a thimble
museum I've wanted to go to.

You could put in a thimble what
most people know about thimbles.

(laughing loudly)

Well, no, that's not mine.

They tell that one down
at the thimble museum.

You actually had a good
time at a thimble museum?

It was sew-sew.

No, again, that was not mine.

They sell bumper stickers
out of the thimble museum.

So, Rose, how 'bout tomorrow
night? Hmm? Dinner at the usual?

And, you know, uh, we've been
putting off that trip to Zippertown.

Do you think we'll
have time after dinner?

Well, Zippertown is always open.

I'm sorr-That was
mine. Just now, I swear.

Good night, Rose.

"Always open." (laughs)

Two hours of
learning about thimbles

from foreign lands.

I couldn't wait to
give the headset back.

Look, Rose, have
you talked to Miles?

I think this is just who he is.

I don't think I was
ever bored for one day

when I was with Charlie.

He had a theory - "Even a
trip to the bank can be exciting

if you wear a ski mask."

He would say that often?

Almost as often as he'd say, "Don't
shoot. It's me - Charlie Nylund."

(sighs)

What's the problem? Oh, Rex
Huntington. That's the problem.

It's 10:00, and I've
been stood up again.

I feel totally unattractive,
undesirable and ignored.

Oh, Dorothy, you
explain it to 'em.

Well, Blanche feels the
way any one of us would feel

if we were stood up three times.

(chuckles) Three whole times.

Three in a row. Ha-ha-ha.
Count 'em - 1, 2...

Dorothy!

Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche.

Come on, honey, sit
down. Now, it's not so bad.

Do what the rest of us do.

Sure, our dance
cards may not be filled,

but at least we can face
the lonely nights together.

We're like sisters.

You're right.

Sisters united in the battle
against the opposite sex.

(doorbell rings) See
you later, sisters.

It's date time.

Only first, I'm gonna let
that man know just how I feel.

Rex Huntington, where ha-

Looks like he
knows how she feels.

You wait right here. I'll get
my purse. I won't be a minute.

Don't bother. It's too late to
go out. We're staying here?

I wish I could. I just came by
to give my favorite girl a kiss.

And since I've
already done that,

I'll just take my
laundry and go home.

Come on, it's not
too late to go out.

I mean, you kept
me waiting for hours.

No, no, no. I'm
sorry, baby. I'm tired.

But I'm all dressed up, and I'm
wearing your favorite perfume.

Hey, I said it was
too late to go out.

I guess you think I come
over here to get nagged.

And to get your laundry.
Don't forget your laundry.

Well, Rex...

Look, I guess I do owe you
an apology. Yes, I think you do.

I got a better idea. Tomorrow
night, I'm taking you out.

I'll call you tomorrow,
and we'll decide where.

We'll have a great time. OK? OK.

Ooh.

So that's a typical
date with Blanche.

I mean, after you cut
out all the dirty parts.

You know what the joke going around
the teachers' lounge was today, Ma? Me.

I know that joke.

Everybody heard on the radio that
some anonymous "Ma" was complaining

that her dependent daughter
Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.

What, you think you're
the only gray-haired

spinster substitute
teacher named Dorothy

wasting her life away in Miami?

I'm sorry, Sophia, but
in Dorothy's defense,

that sure does
sound a lot like her.

(♪ jazz on radio)

Hello, Rose. Oh, hi, Miles.

I was just listening to a song
Charlie and I used to dance to.

We've danced to it, too.

Not around a campfire,
hoping for rain.

Look, Rose...
Rose, we gotta talk.

Are things between
us getting a little dull?

Oh, let's face it.

You and I are Yawn
City, population - two.

Miles, do you love me?

Well, of course I do.

How much?

Well, I don't know. Lots.

Enough to jump
out of an airplane?

Well, sure, sure.

Enough to climb
the highest mountain,

swim the widest river,
jump out of an airplane.

So, what do you
say? Dinner, huh?

Then we'll over to my
place and watch some TV.

I won't try anything, I swear.

I have made arrangements
for us tomorrow.

Oh? What arrangements?

We're supposed to
show up at the hangar

at 10:00 in the morning
for skydiving class.

Wha-You mean actually
jump out of an airpl-literally?

Oh, there is nothing
like skydiving.

I mean, soaring through
the air... the freedom of it,

the whole idea of
plummeting toward a pasture

and watching a cow
get bigger and bigger.

It's just something we should
do together before we die.

Rose, could-couldn't I just
run toward you yelling, "Moo"?

Too little too late, Miles.

We're gonna jump
out of that airplane.

Hey, what do you want for
dinner? Nothing too heavy.

Am I fat?

What, no, "Hello. Am I fat?"

Dorothy, I seriously
want to know. Am I fat?

Well, of course not.

Oh, this guy Rex is
ruining your self-esteem.

Did he say that you're fat?

Not in so many words.

But I am starting to
wonder whether "barrel-butt"

is really a term of endearment.

(doorbell rings) Oh!

God, it's Rex.

Oh, Rex! Why, you're right
on time, aren't you, you devil?

You remember my roommates...

What are you dressed for?
We're going to a beach party.

Oh, I could've sworn
you said the theater.

Once again, you're
wrong. I'll go change.

No, no, no, just skip it.
We're late. This is so stupid.

What's the big deal? I can
go change. No, there's no time.

You're the one that's going
to be embarrassed, not me.

I'll be waiting in the car.

Boy, he makes Wallace
Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.

Has been a long time since I've
taken you to the movies, hasn't it?

Blanche, this guy has
gone past being a challenge.

He is really treating
you very badly.

Dorothy, you'll see.
I'm just reeling him in.

Blanche, look, I usually don't
talk to you about the men you date.

Nor do I talk to you about
the men you date. Oh, ha-ha.

Listen to me. I made a joke.

Blanche, this is
no laughing matter.

How can you take
this kind of abuse?

Abuse? I'll have you know he
has never raised a hand to me.

Verbal abuse, Blanche.

He talks like that all the time.
I just don't pay any attention.

You're making excuses
for him. (horn honks)

Look, can we continue
this conversation later,

when I can find both
the time and the interest?

Right now I have a date.

Look, Blanche, I'm
only thinking of you.

(honking) Well, you
know what I think?

I think you just ought to
mind your own damn business.

I'm comin', sweetheart!

Sea of Tranquility,
come to Mama.

Lunar module, you're
out of here! Yah!

That's it! Yes! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ho-ho.

It's just a puzzle, Dorothy.

You didn't make this much
noise on your wedding night.

Oh, Ma, Ma, it looks
great, doesn't it?

Sure. Let's bust
it up. No, wait.

Blanche and Rose
haven't seen it.

Dorothy, they have dates.
They get to see the real moon.

Oh, I wish Blanche
wasn't out on a date.

I just hate the thought of
her being with that guy Rex.

I'll tell you, no man would ever treat
me that way, and you know why, Ma?

The whole city knows why.
They heard it on the radio.

Rose, how was
your date with Miles?

We had a great time.

He seemed much
more exciting tonight.

Miles is living every
moment like it's his last.

He bought champagne,

and we toasted our
first skydive tomorrow.

Your what? We're
gonna go skydiving.

You're going skydiving? Mm-hmm.

A room with a view.

A room with a - I
mean, good luck.

Oh, hi, girls.

Oh, Blanche, how
was the beach party?

I'm not a big fan
of beach parties.

I'm just glad that
you got home safely.

Are you still on that Rex thing?

Listen, for your information,
he apologized and apologized

about the things he was
sayin' when we were leaving.

Then he invited
me marlin fishing,

just the two of us
on the open seas.

He says it's the ideal vacation.

Sure. No witnesses.

Now, Blanche, I know
you find Rex alluring,

but, honey, I know
where you're headed.

I mean, I was once in
an abusive relationship.

Hey, Stan was a yutz,
but when was he abusive?

Not Stan. I've had
relationships with other men.

Oh, yeah, the evil pen pal.

So, what did Koo Duk
Kim say in his letters

that hurt my little girl?

No, it was in high school.

Michael Tortelli, remember?

Captain of the football team.

Oh, he was beautiful.

Black wavy hair.
Strong Roman nose.

And he could read.

Oh, him.

He was always putting me down.

Made me feel like
I had no self-worth.

Will you stop it? This
has nothing to do with me.

Maybe Rex is right. Maybe
I have gained a few pounds.

Maybe I could
try a little harder.

You are buying right into this.

What makes you such
an expert on relationships?

This is male/female
stuff. This is what I know.

If I need advice
on jigsaw puzzles,

I'll come to you.

Seconds after you jump, your
chute will open automatically,

and you'll lurch upwards.

Unfortunately, not high
enough to get back in the plane.

Now, all you have to do
is relax and enjoy the view.

The only thing to remember is,

when you hit the
ground, tuck and roll.

Tuck and roll. Say it.

(all) Tuck and roll.

Someone didn't say "tuck."

I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Well, that's good. It'll
keep you on your toes.

Too bad there won't be
anything underneath 'em.

OK, we take off in five minutes.

Are you excited? Dumbstruck.

Oh, I know that feeling.

I just hope I remember
everything the instructor said.

You must know what you're
doing. You did this with Charlie.

Well, we wanted
to, but - "But"? "But"?

Rose, the way you talked, I
thought you two did this all the time.

Now, I'm confused.

And, you know, I feel
like I'm getting smarter.

That's why we're
good for each other.

What about all those other
great things you two did?

Camping, tennis, boating?

All the time.

Well, maybe only once.

See, Charlie had
this unnatural fear.

Of what? Camping,
tennis, boating.

Rose, don't you see? You're
remembering the way it never was.

Then you're expecting
me to compete with it.

That's not true.

Listen, Rose, I
can't fight a ghost.

Gee, Charlie's not only
dead, he's much younger.

Look, Rose, you know
I'm nuts about you,

but I shouldn't have to prove it

by jumping out of an airplane.

I'm-I'm over 60.

Well, so is Paul Newman,
and he still races cars.

I don't want to be
compared with Charlie,

and I sure as hell don't want to
be compared with Paul Newman.

Although I gotta tell you,

I do make a better
salad dressing.

In fact, I don't want to be
compared with anybody.

I'm the best me there is,
and that should be enough.

It is. Why, I don't know
why I put you through all this.

Now that I think of it,

I guess there were times
that Charlie was a little boring.

Not that I loved him any less.

That's all I ask, Rose, that you
love me even when I'm boring.

Oh, I do, Miles.

OK, it's time to take off.

Let's go home. OK.

Rose, uh... you say...
Charlie never did this?

I think he was scared.

He was, huh? (chuckles)

OK, Rose, come
on. Let's go for it.

I bet if Charlie had jumped,

he'd have thrown
in a few somersaults.

Don't push it, Rose.

Well, I have everything
I need for the fishing trip.

Plenty of suntan
lotion and a string bikini.

I don't want the fish to
be the only things nibblin'.

Or floppin' around in the boat.

Blanche. Yes?

I've been trying to think
of something to say to you,

some words that would
make you come to your senses,

and all I can come
up with is, "Don't go."

That's it? It would be
wrong for me to keep quiet

and let you go off with this guy
when I know you're gonna be hurt.

You've had your say,
but I do not agree with you,

so please just stay out of it.

If you're trying to help me,
you're just kiddin' yourself.

Darn it, I forgot my
lucky silver dollar.

What do you need
that for? To get lucky.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. Is Blanche ready?

Not quite yet. Would
you like to sit down?

No. I'm in a hurry. She'll
only be a few minutes.

Great. Now we're gonna run into
traffic. I hate it when she does this.

You evidently hate it when
she does a lot of things.

What? Nothing.
I'm staying out of it.

Good. Do you want to
go light a fire under her?

No, I don't think so. Why not?

Because I think she's
getting burned enough as it is.

Would you just go tell
Blanche to hurry up?

I've got to teach this woman
what being on time means.

Wait a minute. I don't want
you teaching her anything.

You're starting to
get on my nerves.

Good, because
you're already on mine.

I don't like the way
you're treating Blanche.

Under all that
makeup and sexy talk,

there's a little girl there,
and for some reason,

she's letting you
take advantage of her.

I can't stop her
from seeing you,

but I'll be damned if
I'm gonna hurry her up.

Who do you think
you are? A friend.

This is none of your
business. Just butt out.

You're hurting me. Stop that!

Are you ready?

I think you'd better go.

Oh, look, look...
Uh, uh, I'm sorry.

Really, I'm sorry. Uh...

Look, sweetie, you know I
don't mean these things I say.

Just leave. If I walk out that
door, I'm not coming back here.

That's a promise I'm
gonna see that you keep.

Are you all right? I'm OK.

I'm so sorry. I don't know
what to say. Honey, I'm fine.

You know, until I
saw him grab you,

I-I just couldn't
see what he was.

Listen, it could've
been a lot worse.

Most people in an
abusive relationship

have to hit bottom
before they can get out.

You were lucky.

Your bottom is a lot
higher than most people's.

Well, I'm off. Oh,
where you going, Rose?

To see Miles.

Visiting hours at the
hospital are until ten.

Please tell him I hope
his leg feels better.

Oh, he feels great.

He says a week in bed
is just what he needs.

Tell him I'll drop by to
see him again tomorrow.

I went by that thimble museum.

I got him a thimble from France.

See, it's got this
little man on it,

and when you turn it
upside dow... (chuckles)

I think I'll keep
this one for myself.

You know, your Miles
is a pretty exciting guy.

I hope you know that.

Oh, I know it now.

You don't realize how
much you care for a man

until you see him streaking
toward the earth trying to grab a bird.

Boy, he must really love you.

Well, I love him, too.

Boy, am I glad I didn't jump.