The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 11 - Stand by Your Man - full transcript

Blanche makes a date with a man she meets at a library, not realizing that he is confined to a wheelchair.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Thanks for bringing
the boys over, Dreyfus.

So long, kids.

Oh, I just love it when Dreyfus
brings the puppies over to play.

I really think
they like it, too.

That's because you
bring the stick to them.

I know. They get so
excited when I fetch.

You like having them
over, too, don't you, Sofia?

Yeah, I like 'em.

That's because it temporarily shifts
the blame if we find a puddle on the floor.

Once, Nurse Ratched, once.

Well, I do not believe it.

Saturday, and I
don't have a date.

Do you fathom what this means?

The jailbreak is off?

Oh, come on, Blanche,

do what I do when
I don't have a date.

I curl up with a good
book, and I'm satisfied.

It's my fault. I read
to her as a child.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to the
library in a few minutes. Wanna come?

The library? That's a great
idea. I just love libraries.

You do? I've loved
books since I was a child.

Although I certainly did grow
up around some ignorant people.

Do you know what horrible thing
the folks in my neck of the woods

did once when I was a youngun?

Besides using phrases

like "neck of the
woods" and "youngun"?

They burned books.

The townspeople made a big
pile of 'em in front of the library

and they threw a torch on top.

Only Big Daddy was outraged. He
fought his way through that crowd,

clawed his way to
the top of that pile,

grabbed that lit torch and
turned to that crowd and said,

"What are you people
doing? This is lunacy.

Ya start a fire
from the bottom."

So many books.

That's why they
call it a library.

It's from the Latin librarius,
which means "so many books."

I'm sure you'll find
something you want.

I do believe you're right.

Excuse me. My friend here
would like to apply for a library card.

What friend?

Oh, the one who's checking
out everything but the books.

Hi. What you readin'?

Oh, ho-ho. You must
be a passionate man.

Females to Fondle?

Well, it's volume seven
of the encyclopedia.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

My mother talked me into
getting her the new Stephen King.

Well, we do have the one
that came out last Tuesday.

As long as it's not
about some little creature

who finds new and inventive
ways of terrorizing a household.

It's for my mother. I don't
wanna give her any ideas.

You're a sports agent? I bet we
know some of the same people.

I was one of the first women ever
allowed in the Miami Dolphins' locker room.


Photographer. Ha-ha-ha.

I don't understand. There
must be some mistake.

I'm sure my mother's card
is current. See for yourself.

It expired five years ago.

I don't know how that could've
happened, but I'll put the book on my card,

and I want you to know
my card is always current.

I come to the library at
least three times a week,

and my books are always returned
promptly during regular library hours,

rain or shine.

Who are you to judge me?!

Now, let me get this right.

Dinner at your place tonight?

What kind of girl
do you think I am,

and how could you tell so fast?

My address is on my card,

and I have a meeting with a client
in a half-hour, so I better get rolling.

See you at eight.

Oh, by the way, Ma,
when I was at the library,

they said your library card
had expired five years ago.

Really? Where could I have been?

Oh, yeah, locked
in an old-age home.

Dorothy, I cannot
go through with it.

I'm gonna call Ted and cancel.

Oh, Blanche, you can't.

Well, but it isn't fair. He
should've told me he was disabled.

Yeah, what a great icebreaker.

Well, if I have to go, you know what
I could do? I could take a chaperone.

That way, I'll avoid any awkward
situations. You could be my chaperone.

Oh, please.

No, I'm serious. You're
the perfect third wheel.

I don't mean that
in a negative way.

I just mean you make
men uncomfortable.

It's a gift. Don't waste it.

As long as you don't
mean it in a negative way.

Of course not. Growing
up in the South -

God, here it comes!

The honeysuckle, mint
juleps, three-legged dogs,

you and Opie and Floyd
and the barbershop...

Blanche, get to the point.

I need a chaperone. Now, do I have
to call in all the favors you owe me?

What favors?

I need a chaperone. Now, do I have
to call in all the favors you owe me?

I don't owe you any favors.

Oh, really? "But, officer,
the little old lady was with me.

She couldn't possibly have
put that banana in your tailpipe."

It'll be an honor to serve.

Guess what. I spoke
with Harry this morning,

and he said we can
keep one of the puppies.


I can't believe you said no.

Come on, Rose.
We've talked about pets.

There's no one home during
the day to take care of it.

I'm home during the day.

No one lucid is
home during the day.

Oh, please. I've already
named him Bingo,

and he really likes me. He
follows me wherever I go.

Rose, the answer is no.

That's not fair.

Last week, you got to keep the
boxboy who followed you home.

There, you see?
You don't need a dog.

If you're lonely,
get yourself a man.

I don't want a man.

I just wanna come home from work
and have someone jump up on my lap,

lick my face and fetch
a ball when I throw it.

You can get a man to do that.

I'll be right back.

Say hello to the newest
member of our family.

Oh, great, we gotta live with a
sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance

with the intelligence
of a squeaky toy.

And now she's got a dog.

(doorbell rings)

Miss Devereaux? Yes.

Won't you come
in. Thank you, Andy.

Blanche, come on in. Sit down.

And who's this?

Who do I look
like? I'm her mother.


Having a chaperone is
an old Southern tradition.

Grammy here brought
me up since I was a child.

She's the one who taught me
how to put up peach preserves,

make my own clothes.

We was po'.

Blanche, you didn't strike me as
the type who needed a chaperone.

As I said, it was a tradition.

We Southern
families stick together.

We sho' do.

Well, I suppose
it's been nice having

someone look after you
since you were young.

I had to. When she was 15, I
caught her under a pile of hillbillies.

Picture it - me with a crowbar
prying cousins off left and right.

Oh, goodness, with
a view like that, why...

I bet you look out
the window a lot.

Blanche, you a little nervous?

Nervous? Me? Wheelchair. Oops...

I mean, no, no, not at all.

Come on, Blanche, most people
in wheelchairs were something else

until that one second before their
accident and their lives change.

Hey, take a look at this
guy in the baseball uniform.

I'm still basically that guy.

Ha-ha. Y-You certainly
do have a nice place here.

I took it because I spend so much
time in Miami, and I do hate hotels.

Oh, yeah, I know. The way they
charge you for the whole night

when you're only
there for a few hours.

My roommate Dorothy
told me that. She's a slut.

I hope you like
champagne and caviar.

I love it.


Oh... Oh... Hey,
look who's not po'.

Mmm, this was just delicious.

I'm glad you feel
more comfortable.

Oh, yes. I don't know why I
was nervous in the first place.

Boy, you should
see this bedroom.

A giant-screen
TV, a big round bed

and lights that go on when
you clap. My hands are raw.

That Southern accent of
yours really comes and goes.

Grits. Alright?


That grandmother of
yours is really a sweetheart.

She sure is.

Bless her heart. How
do we get rid of her?

Why, Ted Tanner, are
you making a pass at me?

If I strike out, I strike out, but
at least I want my turn at bat.

I have to admit, I'm somewhat
interested and a little bit curious

and suddenly now quite nervous.

Maybe it's not meant to be with
your grandmother wandering around.

She has a bus pass.

I can have Andy
drive her. Come here.

Well, mercy me.

Looks like my little magnolia
just turned into a big ho'.

Rose, we have to talk.

Look, the food dish is overturned,
there is a hole in the newspaper,

the potted palm in the
hallway has been dug up.

I cannot live like this.

Dorothy, please don't
send me away. I'll try harder.

I'm talking about the dog.

Oh. In that case, I also saw
him slip two 20s out of your purse.

Rose, obviously
the dog has to go.

Well, that's not your
decision. Where's Blanche?

She's not home from her date.

She spent the night at Ted's?

You don't suppose that... Nah.

Please! Just because
a man's in a wheelchair

doesn't mean he
can't satisfy a woman.

What do you know about this, Ma?

Picture it...

Sicily, 1914.

A man in a wheelchair
satisfies a woman.

It's a short story, but I
think it makes my point.

Hello, my lovelies.

Sophia, I'm sorry I
tossed ya out last night,

but it was for a good cause.

That's OK, Blanche.

Andy took me home in the
limo, and, boy, did we have fun.

I figured out why
they call it a moon roof.

Blanche, tell us about
your date last night.

All I can tell you is Mr. Ted
Tanner is quite a man.

He suits me to a "g."

You mean to a "t."

No, I don't think so, Rose.

Oh, don't hold dinner for
me tonight. I have a date.

I guess I better go get
out of these clothes.


Rose, you got a reprieve.

As long as Blanche isn't here, she won't
find out you brought a dog into the house.

What do I care if she
finds out? I'm not afraid.

I'm within my rights.

There is nothing in my lease
that says I can't have a pet.

All right, who or what

ate the heel off one
my new red pumps?

I did.

Guess what. I don't like to brag

and it took me
practically all morning,

but by reinforcing the command
with love and a doggie treat,

I finally taught
Bingo how to sit.

Sit down, Rose. Okey-dokey.

I really wish you'd try
to get along with Bingo.

Maybe you don't know the
fun you can have with a pet?

Have you ever actually had one?

Of course I had a pet.

Remember, Ma? I was six
years old, and I wanted a pony?

Not the pony thing again.

She promised me a pony.
She swore I'd get a pony.

She brings me a little paper
bird on a stick from the circus.

The kind you have to twirl around
your head to get them to tweet.

And that was your pet?

They're very clean.

Then she tells me if I'm a
good girl, a really good girl,

God will turn that paper
bird into a real one,

which I believed, because
why would a mother lie?

So every day, I'm being
very good and praying

and looking for any sign of life

and becoming very attached
to that ridiculous paper bird.

So you can imagine my heartbreak

when one morning I find it dead.

How does a paper bird die?

Good question. Someone
used it to restart the pilot light.

Hurry up. Get dressed.
We're gonna be late for temple.

Ma, it's Tuesday,
and we're Catholic.

In that case, bacon and eggs.

Ah, girls, I just don't
know what I am gonna do

about Mr. Ted Tanner.

If the man wants
to colorize movies,

let him colorize movies.

It's show business,
for God's sake.

Blanche, what's wrong?

Ted called from Philadelphia,

says he's flying in,
and he wants to see me.

Well, I'd think you'd be happy.

I am, but it's just that during this
past week with Ted out of town,

everything was on hold.

I didn't have to make any decisions
about where our relationship was going.

I don't know what to do.

I'm here if you
wanna pick my brain.

Rose, I think we should
leave it alone and let it heal.

It was clear from
Ted's tone on the phone

that he wants to
escalate our relationship.

He said he hoped I
wasn't seeing anyone else.

I just don't know.

I think you should go
for it. See it through.

Blanche, so many
times you drop somebody

without ever knowing
what it could turn into.

Sometimes you
have to take a chance.

I don't know if I'm
ready for that kind of risk.

A little risk only
heightens the thrill.

It's like making love
in an airplane lavatory,

where you know it's wrong
because the guy you're with

really should be
at the controls.

Well, it was just an example.

Who are you to judge me?

Well, Sophia, did
you feed Bingo today?

To what?

Ma, you did feed the
puppy today, didn't you?

I think we both had one of
those international coffees -

mocha minty or something -

I don't know. We
both threw up a little.

Honey, did that mean old
lady put you in the garage?

No. The mean young lady did.

Rose, Ted's coming over later,

and I don't want that
dog making a big mess.

He's already been
into my personal things.

Maybe we should get
him some rubber toys.

They do seem to
be his preference.

Look, Rose, I don't think
this is gonna work out.

Now, we are out all
day. Puppies need care

from someone with a
knowledge of loving and nurturing.

And let's face
it, that is not Ma.

Oh, Bingo, much as
I love you, little guy,

we've gotta do
what's best for you.

Wish I knew what to say
to make leaving easier.

You know, I used to have a little
dog just like you back in St. Olaf.

She said St. Olaf, Bingo.

I told you, that's
the attack command.

OK. Thank you.

Oh, great news. There's an
organization called Pets for People.

They match up
pets with old people.

Well, I took Bingo over
there this afternoon,

and already they have
a perfect home for him.

I hate to say it, but I'm
gonna miss the little guy.

Sure was a lot more fun
than that bird on a stick.

Ehh, she's not here.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, get in here, you.
Aw, I've missed you, Ted.

I missed you, too.

I have so much to tell you
about, oh, how good I feel about us

and how much I was worried
that you being in a wheelchair

would be more
than I could handle,

but you know what?
I realized it isn't.

I just really like you.

I am a lucky guy.

Why don't we go someplace
romantic for a few days?

I have to go back home tomorrow.

Oh. Well, take me with you. Show
me the wonders of Philadelphia.

The Liberty Bell.
The... cream cheese.

I can't take you. Why not?

I just can't.

Is there someone else?

Oh. There's somebody
else. Oh, a girlfriend.

You got a wife?

I'm sorry.


I do not believe this.

You know, I kept telling
myself to stay open to this,

that you were just such a special
guy who happened to be sitting down.

I was actually starting
to feel love for you, Ted.

I thought you were noble.

Never dawned on me you
could be a jerk in a wheelchair.

Ach... get out.

I don't believe we have
to stop seeing each other.

Blanche Devereaux never goes
out with another woman's husband.

Oh, except for that one time.

Now, that was not my fault.
She was pronounced dead.

Those paramedics never give up.

Don't end this, Blanche. My
wife doesn't understand me.

Well, I do. You're
a cheat. Get out.

Oh, as God is my witness,

I will never pick
up another man.

In a library.

On a Saturday.

Unless he's cute
and drives a nice car.


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