The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 12 - Ebbtide's Revenge - full transcript

When Sophia's son Phil dies, she must deal with her animosity towards his widow, Angela.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Rose, can you help
me with this necklace?

Oh, sure. Ugh, I'm so nervous.



Have you ever given a eulogy?

You mean at a funeral?

No, Rose, at a
pie-eating contest.

Ugh, I just don't know
what I'm gonna say.

Well, actually, I was
asked to say a few words

at Lenny Linderflot's
funeral once.

Everybody thought we were good
friends, 'cause all through school,

he sat right in front of me because
we were in alphabetical order.

But in reality, all I knew about Lenny
was what the back of his head looked like.

So, what did you say?

"I loved the back of
Lenny Linderflot's head.

"He had the back of the
head of an honest man.

"And after seeing him
face-up in the casket today,

not a bad-looking guy either."



Thanks, Rose. It's not
exactly what I'd like to say

about my brother, Phil.

I'm sorry. I wish I could help.

Honey, you've been
more than a help.

I wouldn't have gotten through the
past few days without you. I mean it.

Oh, stop. So, what are
you gonna say? I don't know.

I just want to say a few words
to give the man some dignity

and show him a little respect.

Ready?

To run with the
bulls in Pamplona?

Dorothy, you know
this is my funeral dress.

I don't believe
in wearing black,

unless I'm a little bloated.

Oh, did you happen to
notice if my mother's all right?

Oh, she's fine right now.

You know, last night she talked to
me about the pain of losing a child.

I think that's got to be the most
painful thing a mother can go through.

She's being a rock.
Maybe too much of a rock.

She's really keeping
this all bottled up.

She's in shock. The
whole family's in shock.

I mean, a man goes out to
buy himself an evening gown,

you don't expect
anything unusual, do you?

(both) No.

Heart attack at his age.

I spoke to him just a couple
weeks ago, he was fine.

He said he'd put on some weight,
but to die trying on knockoffs

at Big Gals Pay Less.

It's just all so sad.

Well, I'm all set. What's
with Satan's secretary?

Sophia, I believe Phil
would have liked this dress.

Liked it? He would
have looked great in it.

I never understood why your brother
wore women's clothes, unless he was queer.

People don't say "queer"
anymore. They say "gay."

They say "gay" if a guy can
sing the entire score of Gigi.

But a six-foot-three,
200-pound married man with kids

who likes to dress up
like Dorothy Lamour?

I think you have
to go with queer.

Aw, Ma, I don't know.

I mean, he must have had
some deep psychological need

and cross-dressing
provided an emotional outlet.

I may be old-fashioned,
but why didn't he just drink?

Tell me, is Big Sally
coming to the funeral?

Sophia, Phil's wife's
name is Angela.

Why do you call her Big Sally?

Because she hates it.

Just as she probably hates that I talked
Phil into being buried in the family plot.

He never should have
married her. She hates all of us.

Not true. She hates you.

Oh, Ma, don't you think this feud between
you and Angela has gone on long enough?

It's 26 years. In
Sicily that's not a feud.

In Sicily people scream
at each other for centuries,

and they throw
pasta at each other.

Pasta and sauce. Rich
sauce with delicious seafood.

Mussels, shrimp...

Wait a minute. I think I
switched from feud to food.

He looks very
peaceful and natural.

As natural as a man can
look wearing a black teddy.

It's a beautiful teddy.

I think more men should
be buried in teddies.

I've got to remember, it's not
the clothes that make the man,

it's the man that
makes the clothes.

Oh, God, he looks like he
died in a Benny Hill sketch.

There's nothing we
can do about it now.

Besides, it's probably
what Phil wanted.

I'm gonna go check on Ma.

Listen, if it makes
you feel any better,

I don't see anything
wrong with it.

Oh, thank you,
Blanche. This means a lot

coming from a woman who wants
to be buried dressed like a majorette.

Ma, do you want to
come say goodbye to Phil?

I can't go up there,
Dorothy. Is that terrible?

Of course not. Honey,
you're doing what you can.

Does he look nice? Yeah.

In a suit? Not exactly.

A dress? Not exactly.

Culottes?

Not in culottes - that
would break my heart.

He's wearing a teddy.

But a masculine teddy.

Where is Big Sally? Oh,
Ma. Her name is Angela.

Ma, I want you to
make peace with her.

Hello, Dorothy. Sophia.

Angela. Dorothy.

I don't know if it
was a good idea

to have the funeral in
Miami instead of Newark.

I just talked to the priest.

He doesn't know
a thing about Phil.

He thinks Phil was some
kinda crazy combination

brain surgeon/astronaut.

Where would he get the idea
that Phil had an IQ of 160?

Well, if your brother hadn't
been stumped by long division...

Angela, about this teddy...

It's a beaut, isn't it?

No surprise, though.
Phil had great taste.

That's one of the things I loved
about him the most from the beginning.

His sense of style.

We were married for 26 years

and my family still talks
about that wedding dress.

God, I wish I could wear a
plunging neckline like that.

Why couldn't you
bury him in a suit?

Because this is what he wanted.

You know, it hasn't
been easy for me, Sophia.

It hasn't been easy. Oh!

Ladies, I'd like to
start the service soon.

Father Salerno,
Angela was worried

that my mother might have
given you the wrong idea

about what kind of
man my brother Phil was.

Not to worry. The good Lord has
given me a sixth sense, so to speak.

I can tell a lot about a
person just by looking at them.

He was special. I'm sure.

What can I say
about Philip Petrillo?

He was... special.

Very special.

Yeah, a man doesn't get
any more special than this.

Wait a minute, is this one of
those hidden video things? Huh?

No? Sorry.

Yeah, I think special says it.

He knows Phil like a book.

No charge.

You all right, Sophia?

Why does everyone
keep asking me that?

I'm OK. I'm fine. I don't
want to talk about it.

You know, I saw a lot of this
when I worked at the grief center.

You're angry about Phil's
death and that's normal.

But you shouldn't
be angry with Angela.

I think you haven't cried because
you haven't accepted his death yet.

Thank you. I've never been
psychoanalyzed by a dipstick before.

I wonder who they are?

You mean you
don't know them? No.

Now this is awful.
What? What's awful?

Well, isn't it obvious? Veiled, shapely
creatures, unknown to the family,

coming to say one last secret
goodbye to their special friend.

You mean...?
That's right. Sluts.

I can't believe they came
all the way from Newark.

You know them? Phil
tried to keep them a secret,

but I knew he was spending
his Thursday nights with them.

Oh, I know it's hard, but
try not to hate 'em, my dear.

They're just lonely creatures

who reached out to another
person for a little warmth.

These are the guys
from Phil's poker game.

This is too funny. I have to
get my camera from the car.

Angela, I wish you wouldn't rush
right back to Newark after the funeral.

Stay at the house
for a couple of days.

I gotta get back to work.
I was just promoted.

Chief make-over artist in the
cosmetic department at Bamberger's.

Angela, Angela, this has to end.

You know, I don't think the family
even knows what the fight was about.

I'll tell you what it was
about - your mother hates me.

I'm sorry, Dorothy.

I've been invited to your
mother's house twice

in the past 26 years and
that was quite enough.

Then why don't you come to
my house? Angela, please?

OK. I'll come. OK.

Maybe I could show Blanche
how to correctly apply her makeup.

I'd like that.

Although she might be
offended if I bring it up.

That's the part I like.

Angela. Oh.

Folks, to begin this
part of the service,

Phil's sister, Dorothy, will
say a few words. Dorothy.

Please don't take this
wrong, but I've got to know.

You are a girl, aren't you?

Seems like I'm always
mad at my brother Phil.

I was mad the day my parents
brought him back from the hospital.

I thought he'd take their
love away from me, and...

instead, their love expanded
and we felt more like a family.

I was mad at him when I
was ten and he was four

and we moved to a
new neighborhood.

I was mad because he
always made new friends

more easily than I did.

And I'm mad today,

because I never wanted to give
the eulogy at my kid brother's funeral.

I'm mad because he died. He
didn't have the wisdom to know

that family members shouldn't
allow themselves to grow apart.

Because when this day comes, they can
no longer tell each other how they care.

If he'd had that wisdom, he
could have shared it with me

and I would have known the hundreds
of memories I have of just the two of us -

eating ice cream on
the stoop of our building,

or going through the
drawers at Grandma's house,

or dressing up like
the Brontë sisters.

How those memories
fill me with joy.

Why didn't you have
that wisdom, Phil?

Why didn't you...

give us a chance to tell
you how much we loved you?

Here we go. Some nice
snacks. Ah, thank you, Rose.

Oh, look. Here's one
of Phil when he was 17.

Oh-ho-ho! He looks so handsome.

Oh, I don't think I ever
saw him in a tuxedo.

When was this, his
prom? Halloween.

Listen, Angela, what do you say that
you and Ma and I have dinner tonight

and, you know,
clear the air a little bit.

Angela, please.

Hey, I'm willing.

But to tell the truth, I
don't know what I did.

I also don't know how much more I
can take of Sophia treating me this way.

Hi, everybody. I'm back.

Hi, Ma. Did you have
a nice walk? Yeah.

Ma, where'd you
get the skateboard?

Oh, yeah.

I guess there's some kid
at the park with an umbrella.

Ma, how would you like to go out to
dinner tonight with Angela and me?

No. Aw, come on, Ma.

This isn't an easy
time for any of us.

Forget it, Dorothy. I don't
need her to be there for me.

The shame is she
wasn't there for Phil.

When you wouldn't see
me, you weren't seeing him.

On the holidays, when he would try
to pretend that everything was OK,

deep down, it killed him
that he wasn't with his family.

My children really never
got to know their grandmother

because you didn't want
to step foot inside my house.

Well, it wasn't just their
loss, Sophia. It was yours, too.

So whatever I did, or
whatever you think I did,

I hope it was
worth all the pain.

You showed
disrespect for our family,

and family is sacred
where I come from.

Phil knew how I felt. You
think it was easy for me?

I did what I had to do.

But what did I do?

You know very well what you did.

I swear, I don't.

Your dowry check bounced.

What dowry check?

Your father gave us a check for two million
when we agreed to let you marry Phil.

Two million dollars for Phil?

Wasn't exactly a
buyer's market, was it?

Not two million
dollars. It was lire.

With the exchange rate,
it came to about $47.

But the check bounced anyway.

That is terrible!

I know. I told Sal, "Get cash."

It's terrible that that's
what the fight was about.

My father offered a dowry,
and Charlie wouldn't take it.

Oh, maybe that's because he knew
eventually those beans would stop jumpin'.

Or maybe he just loved me.

Beans. I'll have you know it was
the biggest pumpkin of the season.

I don't know who I'm madder at -

my father for thinking
he had to pay a dowry,

or you for lettin' this go on
all these years for a lousy $47.

Nobody stiffs
the Petrillos. Fine.

You think your family was
wronged? Let me make it right.

Here. Here's a
check, we're even.

Now are you happy?

Can I see your driver's license
and a major credit card, please?

It was an out-of-state check.

Angela, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.
I'm calling the airlines.

I'm getting the
next flight home.

No, please. Angela,
please. Hang up the phone.

I don't want you
to go like this.

There's nothing left to say.

My mother wants to apologize.

Then why didn't she come in?

She's shy.

Sophia is shy?

In an obnoxious sort of way.

Look, Angela, I have to
get you and Ma to end this.

Not for you, not
for me. For Phil.

I realize now that I was wrong

not doing it while
he was still alive.

Now, come on, Angela, take the
first step. What is it gonna take?

She has to admit that she's a
little witch without much sense

when it comes to family matters,

who takes pleasure in
making other people miserable.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Ma, she really likes you.

I think this whole thing
can be fixed. Forget it.

Ma, you know, when I think of
Phil, you know what I think of?

His capacity to love.

You know, no matter what anyone
did to Phil, he always gave back love.

And you know where he
learned that, Ma? From you.

Now, Ma, what's
happening to you?

Oh, come on, please. Won't
you come into the kitchen?

Sure, as soon as she comes on
her knees and begs my forgiveness.

I think she'd like that.

All right, the little witch is
ready to apologize for everything.

She said that? In her own
old-world way, yes. Come on.

What are you doing?

I thought we'd walk
out on our knees.

Why? Icebreaker?

She didn't apologize, did she?

Come on, now, I've had it, I've
had it. That's enough. Come on.

Now, isn't somebody
going to say something?

Ma?

Angela?

Fine. I'll wait.

You know what I think?

That reindeer really
know how to fly?

That's enough, Blanche! I spent
a lot of time at that grief center,

and I know what
I'm talking about.

Sophia, is that $47 the only
thing that's bothering you?

It's a big part of it.

What else? The dress thing.

Why didn't she
stop the dress thing?

He's been doing
that all his life.

That didn't start with me.

Oh, so it's my fault?

Are you worried that people
will think it's your fault?

Oh, it's not like having
a war hero in the family.

Angela, was he a
good husband? Yeah.

A good provider? A good
father for your children?

Yeah! OK.

Now, I know no one wants to
hear one of my stories right now.

That's usually a
pretty safe bet, Rose.

But you need to know
about my cousin Ingmar.

Ingmar was different.

He used to do bird imitations.
What's wrong with that?

Well, let's just say you didn't want
to park your car under their oak tree.

No, Ingmar was different.

His mother used to
say he brought shame

to the house of
Hausenfeffershtuledunker.

Anyway,

you're all wondering
where this story is going,

so I'll skip the part where he ran
up the stairs and down the stairs

and up the stairs and down
the stairs and up the stairs...

Rose, you're not
skipping! Sorry.

The point is, it was shame that kept
Aunt Katrina from loving slow Ingmar.

And it ruined her life.

Oh, don't let that
happen to you, Sophia.

Let go of the shame.

So what if he was different?
It's OK that you loved him.

I did love him. He was my son.

My little boy.

But every time I saw him I always
wondered what I did, what I said,

when was the day
that I did whatever I did

to make him the way he was.

What he was, Sophia,
was a good man.

My baby is gone.

Oh, Sophia.

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