The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 6, Episode 10 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun... Before They Die - full transcript

Sophia asks Blanche for tips on how to please her boyfriend Tony.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Hi, Sophia. How was
your date last night?



Tony Delveccio is
a dreamboat. Aw...

I wouldn't mind glancing
over at the night table

and seeing his
teeth next to mine.

Ma, please. I mean,
it's probably silly,

but I'm not that comfortable

hearing about your
romantic escapades with men.

Then you're gonna hate this.

I fantasize about him all day.

Last night, I dreamed
I was Joan of Arc,

and he was coming
at me with a hose.

Ma, maybe it was just a
religious-experience dream.

Did he put out the fire?

Three times.

Wow, the seldom-achieved
Joan of Arc fantasy triple.



Sophia, I hate you.

I think I'm falling in love.

I haven't felt his
way since your father.

But Tony looks at me as
a friend, as a companion.

Honey, nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, but I'm picturing him
naked, and I'm not laughing.

If you want my advice, I think
you should sleep with him.

Done.

That is not what she wants.

Dorothy, the man
came at her with a hose.

Oh, come on, Ma. You
haven't known him that long.

Take your time.

After a few months,
better yet, a few years,

then you can start thinking
about a more physical relationship.

Look who's giving
away years here.

You know my motto - today could be
the last day of the rest of the your life.

Sophia, I'll bet with
a few tips from me,

you can have this guy
Tony in bed in no time.

That's good, because that's
exactly how much time we have.

My mother does not do that.

Yes, I do. I've just
been in dry dock.

I'm back now.

I'm suited up, Coach.
Put me back in the game.

OK, but you have to
listen to everything I say.

When I say "jump,"
you say, "On who?"

I just got a special-delivery
letter from St. Olaf.

Uh-oh, it's from the
Department of Water and Coffee.

Coffee?

No, thanks. It makes me jumpy.

Rose, what does the letter say?

You read it, Dorothy.

I need both hands to cover
my ears in case it's bad news.

"Dear St. Olafian, I'm
afraid there's bad news."

What?

"There's a drought in St. Olaf
which threatens the crops."

Oh, no. I better send water.

"Please do not send water.

"We have found
that envelopes leak.

"Until the rains come,

"we ask that all
citizens be celibate,

"except for Ulf,
the Umbrella King.

He has suffered enough."

Well, if it'll help
bring in the crops.

Oh, you cannot possibly believe that
abstaining is gonna change the weather?

Blanche, I don't think you
realize how powerful sex is.

Once, Charlie and I actually
did it till the cows came home.

'Course, I was wearing a bell.

Of course. Hence the
nickname "Dingdong."

Hey, you're probably right.

Rose, if you're really serious
about going through with this,

I suggest that you
discuss it with Miles.

He deserves to know the truth.

I don't wanna lie.

You don't have to lie to Miles.
Just don't tell him the truth.

Turn this thing to
your advantage.

Now, if you hold Miles at bay,
amazing things will start to happen.

He'll become more
attentive, send you flowers.

He'll be a prisoner of love,
and you'll be the warden.

And if you're interested,

I have costumes for
both of you to rent.

Blanche, first, you tell my
mother to sleep with a stranger,

now this?

What makes you think you know
everything about the opposite sex?

Let the record speak for itself.

I have had 143 relationships.

And no convictions.

What do ya think?

Oh, you look
very pretty tonight.

Not too pretty, I hope. I
have a date with Miles.

How is he dealing
with the celibacy?

Well, he's doing fine.

Although he does spend a
lot of time at the batting cage.

Rose, listen. Now, you have
a very critical date coming up.

Everything I said
would happen has.

He's been more attentive,
he's sent you flowers,

he's done your laundry
and returned most of it.

We're right on schedule,

but tonight he's gonna ask
you if you're seeing other men.

Do you know what
you're gonna say?

I'm not sure.

Just be bold, be
brazen, be brutal.

Now, what are you gonna say?

(sassy) I'm not sure.

Rose, if you're gonna
be my lump of clay,

you gotta be a
little bit smarter.

When he asks you if you're seeing
other men, just tweak his nose and say,

"My, my, sir, I do
believe you're jealous."

What about the vapors, Blanche?

Shouldn't she be
overcome by the vapors?

(Sophia) Blanche,
can I come out now?

Oh, yeah. Hold it just a minute.

Girls, I want to present

Blanche Devereaux's
latest creation.

I took an 84-year-old
woman and made her look like

a 65-year-old drag queen.

Then I said to myself,
"Blanche, too much rouge."

So, after a few
minor adjustments,

may I present the
new Sophia Petrillo.

Ma, are you in there?

You know, this is the first time
in years I felt like the real me.

Should these be lower?

(doorbell rings)

Ahh, all right, this is it.

Now don't forget - you've got
something he wants. Yeah. What?

Don't worry. It'll all
come back to you.

Take your glasses off.

And it's a good idea

if you can find something
to compliment him on.

Hi. Is it my imagination,

or do you have less
hair on your knuckles?

It could be, Sophia.

At my age,
everything starts to go.

Sophia, it's Miles.

Hey, you look beautiful.

Boy, it has been a long time
for you, hasn't it, big fella?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Well, let's get started.

There's magic
in the air tonight.

What do I do if he wants
to go back to his place?

Tell him you have a lot of
work you have to do at home.

I don't wanna lie.

When you get home, we'll
make ya clean out the garage.

Thanks, Blanche, I owe you one.

What if I got gorgeous for nothing?
What if Tony doesn't even notice me?

Well, that's his hard luck.
There are other fish in the sea.

The only ones my age
are floating on the top.

(doorbell rings)

Ma, remember - don't
do anything I wouldn't do.

I think I crossed that
line when I got a date.

Hi, Sophia.

Hi.

You remember Blanche
and my Aunt Dorothy.

Ye -

Nice to see you.
Nice to see you again.

Sophia, you look enchanting.

If I wasn't such a gentleman,

I'd try to ply you with wine
and take advantage of you.

There's a liquor
store on the corner.

She can't drink. It mixes
with her medication.

Beautifully.

Aren't they adorable?

Seems like only yesterday I
was putting her into the home.

Good night, pussycat. You
have nothing to worry about.

Ma, be good.

I promise.

You're good.

A promise is a promise.

Where does a sweet
Sicilian girl like you

learn to do those things?

I live with a slut.

Thank her for me.

Oh, it's nice to be
with a real woman.

You didn't think I
was too forward?

No. You were a perfect lady.

And once again, don't worry about
the pants. I know a lot of good tailors.

You started. Don't
think I didn't notice you

playing footsie with me
under the table tonight.

No, that really was a spasm.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Aw...

I, uh... I... love you.

I said I love you.

Thank you.

And you?

I care for you.

You care for me?

Yes, very much.

I probably should've
said that sooner.

Well, let's go get
some sleep now.

What?

You care for me?

You care for a cat
or a dog or a goat.

When I tell you I love you and
you tell me you care for me?

Oh, please, Sophia.
I care for you a lot.

I'm going home and
don't bother driving me.

Look, Sophia, can't we talk?

Don't even say my name.
I reached out for you.

If you didn't love me, how the
hell could you make love to me?

I never wanna see or
hear from you again.

Good night, and thank
you for a wonderful evening.

Rose, what is going on?
Now, something is wrong.

I don't know what you mean.

It's obvious you're trying to
avoid any kind of intimacy.

Like that place you
dragged me to tonight.

Don't get me wrong.

I enjoyed the evening
of lesbian poetry...

but, look, Rose,
to tell you the truth,

it just wasn't the swell
time I had in mind.

Look, I'm starting to
get a little suspicious.

There's somebody
else, isn't there?

(half-hearted) My, my, sir,
I do believe you're jealous.

You know, normally, I hate it
when people tweak my nose,

but at least you're touching me.

Look, are you seeing
somebody else?

My, my, sir, I do
believe you're jealous.

One tweak is cute, Rose.
Two is... Don't do it again.

I'm sorry for the tone, but I
am a little bit cranky and tense

for all the obvious reasons.

Look, something is wrong.
Are you seeing another man?

And don't touch my nose.

I just can't be with you now.

Oh, well, all right. Maybe...

maybe I can't see
you, either. Goodbye.

You mean good night.

No, I think I mean goodbye.

Oh.

Just as I thought.
Nobody likes it.

Rose, what's the matter?

Miles just left me. Oh,
way to go, Blanche.

Because of you and your
lousy advice, I've lost Miles.

Well, if you're gonna come home
with this attitude and tweak my nose,

and by the way, don't ever
do that again because I hate it,

I'm not gonna help you.

How was your date with Tony?

Do you enjoy getting
old ladies in trouble?

Ma, you slept with
him, didn't you?

Come over here.

Look me in the eye.

Did you sleep with
Tony Delveccio?

A little.

Ma! Blanche made me do it.

Don't you have a
mind of your own?

If Gladys Goldfine told you

to drink a whole bottle of
Kaopectate, would you?

Who blabbed?

Everybody, just calm down.

Sophia, tell me what happened.

Same old story - girl
meets boy, girl loses boy,

girl can't remember her address,

so cab just circles
and circles and circles.

You told him you loved him, and
he didn't say it back, am I right?

Did you bug my bra?

Sophia, I told you

never tell a man you love
him first. That's a fatal mistake.

I just wanted to hear someone
say "I love you" to me one more time.

Oh, Ma. Would it
make you feel better

if I told you I love you?

Yeah. All of a sudden,
I feel like singing.

Take me to a piano bar.

I'm going to sleep.

If Tony calls,
tell him I faked it.

Ma!

Well, I did. Oh, baby,
oh, baby, oh, baby.

Oh, please.

Come on, Sophia, join us.

Yeah. Ma, you can't sit
there waiting for a call forever.

Who's waiting for
a call? (whistles)

Hello? Hello?

That was him. I could
hear him breathing.

He wants to make sure I'm home

and not out with some other guy.

I have to make him jealous.

Dorothy, put on a suit and
a tie. Let's go by his hotel.

Ma, I'm not gonna
put on a suit and a tie.

Are you satisfied, Blanche?
My mother wants to date me.

I suppose that's my fault, too.

Well, you have been giving
out some very bad advice lately.

I haven't had such bad advice
since... my drama teacher

told me I'd be perfect for
the lead in the King and I.

So stupid here shaves her
head and doesn't get the part.

Wait a minute. Don't think I don't
know what you all are gettin' at.

You think the advice
I gave was bad

just because it
devastated four lives.

Blanche, when are you gonna
realize you have to be responsible?

This isn't a game.

You're playing around with the
emotions of real human beings.

I've made a decision.
I'm gonna go see Tony.

Don't do that. Now you have
him right where you want him.

I'm not listening to you
anymore. Dorothy was right.

You got me into trouble,
you got Rose into trouble.

You'd get Dorothy into trouble
if anyone was interested in her.

Wait a minute.

Why, just the other day, that
guy who works with our gardener,

you know, the one
with the leaf blower,

told me that I looked nice
with a little lilt in his voice

and tried to blow my
skirt over my head.

Everything but the white
horse, huh, pussycat?

Look, Sophia Petrillo
doesn't give up.

She fights for her man.
She can overcome anything.

She needs ten bucks for a cab.

Last chance, Rose.
Better come go with me.

Oh, no. I'm too depressed
to go to a firehouse.

The invitation says I can
bring a friend to the barbecue.

Come on, Rose. They're firemen.

After a couple drinks,
they start to do CPR.

Oh, I envy you, Blanche.
You really have it together.

Not me. I have
too many hang-ups.

Good night. Good night.

Rose, I think you ought
to know something.

I didn't tell you - in fact,
I never told anybody -

but... I cry every
Thursday night.

But I thought you were so happy.

I am most of the time,

but, hey, it's hard being
Blanche Devereaux all the time.

It does begin to take its toll.

It's kinda lonely
not having someone

nice and decent like Miles.

My advice works with my men. You
know, the shallow guys I go out with.

But if you still want
my advice, here it is.

Call Miles.

Honey, Blanche is right.

Aw, he's reasonable.
He'll understand.

I'm gonna call him, and
I'm gonna tell him the truth.

You were right all along, Dorothy.
The truth is always the best.

That is very wise, Rose.

Well, I don't want you to
think I just made that up.

I saw it this afternoon on TV

When I was watching
the new Lassie.

You know, that's actually
an interesting story.

You see, the new Timmy
was lost, and the new Lassie

was trying to tell the new grandpa
where he was, so the new Lassie -

Rose, did I ever tell you

that I cry every
Tuesday at 8:05?

Excuse me.

(rings)

Hello. Oh, Helgie.

So what's going on in St. Olaf?

I can't understand ya,
honey. Are you moaning?

No. Say it slowly.

Oh, God, it's raining.

Oh, God, it's raining.

Oh, God...

Oh, God, it's raining!
Here, I've gotta get to Miles.

Boy, it must be pouring.

(knock on door)

Sophia, it's good to see you.

I just came by to pick up
my MedicAlert bracelet.

I believe I left it
here last week.

I'm wearing it.

That's dangerous.

No. It turns out we're both
allergic to the same things.

Aw... Aw... I've missed you.

Missed me so much you
haven't called me in a week?

Sophia, sit down.

I picked up that
phone a hundred times,

but I just couldn't
make that call.

I haven't told anyone
I love them since...

since my wife died.

That's a long time ago.

Yeah, but this I-care-for-you thing
has always worked up until now.

Sophia, I do love you.

I love you, too.

So, what do we do now?

You wanna see
pictures of my late wife?

I thought you'd never ask. I
brought some of my husband Sal.

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