The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 17 - Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Hi, Ma. What you doing?

Thinking.



About what?

About wind, water, rocks.

Man's place in the delicate
balance of nature's harmony.

Where we're going.
Where the road ends.

Gee, Ma, I never knew
you were so philosophical.

I'm not. It's those damn
Infiniti commercials.

They're driving me crazy.

(Rose) Hello!
Where is everybody?

We're out here, Rose.

Hi.

What's all that?

Weight-loss products
I have to test for work.

You wouldn't believe
the length people go to

just to drop a few pounds.



I heard about one woman who
even had her jaw wired shut.

Oh. Is that something
that you'll be testing, Rose?

Oh, here you all are.

How'd your physical go?

Oh, just fine. The
doctor could not believe it

when I told him my age.

Why? What age did you tell him?

Blanche, what is that thing?

She's decided to install
a change machine.

Oh, it's, um, it's
called a Holter monitor.

It makes a ticker
tape of the heart.

What's wrong with
your heart? Oh, nothing.

Dr. Stein just thought it
sounded a little irregular.

I think it's 'cause I
was so uncomfortable

sittin' there topless
with a strange man.

Next time, just pretend you're
at home and he's the bug guy.

Blanche, what
did the doctor say?

Oh, he just muttered
something in Latin.

I explained to him that
Simon and I have been

going out every night,
and it's just fatigue.

And then what did he say?

He wants to match the heartbeats
that this records to my activities,

so, for the next 24 hours, I have
to write down everything I do.

And you're not embarrassed
to have him read that smut?

I'm proud of you, Blanche.

Boy, if this were me, I
would be really scared.

When I'm scared, I put my
head between my knees.

That's for nausea.

When I'm scared, I'm nauseous.

You remember what happened
when that man tried to steal my purse?

Worked better than mace.

Honey, I'm sure there's
nothing to worry about.

Well, anyway, all the same

I've gotta get busy
writin' down my activities,

and I'd better call Simon
and cancel our date for tonight.

You know, I'm really
starting to care about him,

and I wouldn't want him worrying

about my recording
his performance.

You know how
fragile men's egos are.

One little thing like
screaming out the wrong name,

and they go all to pieces.

Nice pants, Rose.

They're called vacuum slacks.

It's supposed to inhale
all the fat from your body.

Watch.

(vacuum whirring)

I... (vacuum stops)

I must've done it wrong.
Maybe I ought to put it on suck.

Oh, hello, ladies.

What'd the doctor say?

Oh, bad news. Oh, what?

Oh, he told me he was married.

Besides that, Blanche.

Oh, well... He was
a little concerned

because my pulse was
slow and misbehavin'.

Rose, those pants,
not with those shoes.

Blanche, the doctor.

You know how they get
over the slightest little thing.

And?

And Dr. Worrywart wants me

to check into the
hospital for more tests.

Dorothy, have you been fooling
around with my Tip O'Neill calendar?

No, Ma, I haven't.

Come on! I'm missing March.

It's the month where he's playing
volleyball with Jesse Helms.

Ma, not now!

Blanche's doctor wants her to go

back to the hospital
for more tests.

It makes sense, just
to be on the safe side.

Of course it does. What
kind of doctor would he be

if he didn't wanna
check out everything?

Yeah, well, if it
makes him happy.

If everything's as
bad as he thinks it is,

he wants to put a
pacemaker in me.

Everybody's got
a nickname for it.

I don't think I've ever
been so scared in all my life.

You know what I
do when I'm scared?

You toss your cookies.

I mean besides that. I sing.

You what?

A lullaby my mother used to
sing to me when I was a little girl.

So, when I'm scared or alone, I
sing it and it gives me courage.

No song is gonna help me.

♪ Over there ♪ Over there

♪ Send the word,
send the word over there

♪ That the Yanks are coming

That is the lullaby that
your mother sang to you?

Well, it was the
only song she knew.

During World War I she gave out

donuts and coffee
to the doughboys

before they boarded
the trains for Europe.

It works, truly.

She said no one can be
scared when they hear that song,

except maybe the Kaiser.

I don't need a song.

I just wanna be young and
beautiful and healthy again.

Blanche, that's
what we all want.

I know, but I deserve it.

How are we feeling,
Mrs. Devereaux?

A little nervous.

You really don't need makeup.

Well, I wanna look
good just in case.

Just in case what?

In case something
should go wrong.

I've been to enough funerals to
see how they make up dead people.

They look like clowns.

You expect to see a dozen of 'em

jump out of one coffin.

Well, nothing will go wrong.

I've done this a hundred
times. You'll be fine in a week.

All we do is cut a small
incision below the collarbone,

make a little pocket for the
pacemaker under the muscle,

then feed a tiny wire through
the vein and into the heart.

Then the pacemaker
gives little electric shocks

to the valve which
regulates the heartbeat.

You mean you're
gonna cut into me?

You did know that.
Won't that leave a scar?

Two inches, tops.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I
can't have any scars.

See, my clothes are
all off-the-shoulder.

Sooner or later.

Sorry. I have to give
this some more thought.

No, no. We don't
have time for that.

Everybody's already
washed their hands.

Believe me, it'll be all right.

Is anything wrong?

She just realized
there's going to be a scar.

It's really just
last-minute stage fright.

All my patients have it.

Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be
nothing. You'll hardly notice it.

That madman wants to rip
me open from stem to stern.

Your two favorite parts.

Are we ready?

I reckon so.

How do I look?

They won't be able to
take their eyes off you.

(whimpers)

♪ Over there (all) ♪ Over there

♪ Send the word,
send the word over there

♪ That the Yanks are
coming, the Yanks are coming

♪ The drums
rum-tumming everywhere

♪ Say a prayer, say a prayer

♪ Send the word, send
the word to beware...

How's Blanche? She's fine.

She'll be up and back
on her back in no time.

Sophia, It's been wonderful watching
you take care of Blanche all week.

I feel like a regular hospital
worker. Ah, that's nice.

Yeah. I just took all the money
and jewelry out of her nightstand.

Where's my money, old woman?

I knew that would get
her up. I was born to heal.

Here's your money,

and your high
school ring, class of...

Give me that.

Oh, Blanche, it's good to see
you back to your old self again.

But don't forget the doctor
said nothing too strenuous

for a few days,
then you'll be fine.

I am not back to my old self.

As a matter of
fact, I may never be.

What are you talking about?
I know this sounds crazy,

and if it hadn't happened to me,

I wouldn't believe it either,

but while I was
being operated on,

I had an out-of-body experience.

I was floating,
looking down at myself.

I-it was like... it was like...

Like the mirror on
your bedroom ceiling?

It was like I was
my own conscience.

That's when I knew
things were different.

Different how?

I was in that gray area
between life and death.

The time has come for
me to re-evaluate my life,

for me to take stock of myself.

I just know that there's a part
of me that nobody's ever seen.

I find that hard to believe.

If a 5,000-year-old
Indian shows up,

tell him I wanna know
more about his people.

Hey, Dorothy, guess who's
on Johnny Carson tonight?

Who? Johnny Carson.

Must be the anniversary show.

Rose, what's that
supposed to be?

A flab stimulator.

You hook these
things to your muscles.

They give out an electric charge

and help get rid of
unwanted fat deposits.

Does it come in a hat?

Where's Blanche?

She's out on a date with Simon.

It's her first time out, so who
knows when she'll be home?

Checkout time is usually noon.

You know, Blanche has
been without a date for weeks.

I know that because all the
pictures on my wall are straight.

Hey, it's never
easy to go without.

I remember when my mother-in-law

came to stay with Sal and
me when we were first married.

For two months your
father and I didn't have sex.

Why not, Ma? She
slept in between us.

It was a very small place.

Have you ever seen an
Italian after he's gone without?

Hm, no.

That's because your
father was the only one.

She finally left,
didn't she, Sophia?

Yeah. I'll never
forget that day.

Your father stayed
home from work.

Unfortunately, I
couldn't get the day off.

I don't know what he did, but
he was happy when I got home.

Since Charlie was
a traveling salesman,

sometimes I'd be
alone for weeks.

I used to have so
much trouble sleeping,

I tried counting sheep.

Rose, if there are
real sheep in this story,

I do not wanna hear it.

OK.

(giggling) Oh, hi.

Oh, Simon. Good to see you
again. How have you been?

A little lonely,
but I'm better now.

Oh, that's sweet.

I cannot believe how much
I've missed this little girl.

This guy is growing antlers.

I guess I'd better
say goodnight.

I had a very nice time.

You mean, uh, our date is over?

Well, we went to dinner
and a movie. Wh-what's left?

I never know.

I'm sorry. I-I'm just not
ready yet. You understand.

Of course, as long
as it's my only choice.

I've had a life-altering
experience, Simon.

I need time to think,

to gather my priorities and
put 'em all in perspective.

Whatever you need.
I'll call you tomorrow?

Sure.

You're not upset, are you?

No, no, no.

Boy, what a beautiful night.
Think I'll push the car home.

Your date is over?

You sound surprised.

Well, it's just that your dates

usually end with
a little pillow talk.

Yeah, like, "What did you
say your name was again?"

I would've expected
my three best friends

to understand that
I'm just not ready yet.

But, Blanche, the doctor said you
could do everything you did before.

That's all very well for him
to say. The doctor's not me.

Blanche, what are you saying?

I've made a decision.

Blanche Devereaux
has given up sex.

And what does that do to the
morale of our boys overseas?

Good news, girls. I've
gained four pounds.

How is that good news?

Well, it means that all those
weight-loss products don't work.

Now, to lose those four pounds

I guess I'll have to
go on a sensible diet

that I know gets results -

the St. Olaf "I can't
believe this is cheese" diet.

How does it work?

You eat nothing but rice.

Good morning, ladies.

Dorothy, a Popsicle-stick
purse for you.

Sophia, a Popsicle-stick
potpourri box,

and for you, Rose, two
lovely Popsicle-stick earrings.

So, Blanche, how are
we enjoying our celibacy?

Oh, just let me get a
Popsicle. I'll be right with you.

Blanche, I'm worried. That's all
you've been living on for two weeks.

Well, if I don't eat the Popsicle,
how am I gonna get to the stick?

I'm glad you found a hobby,

but, uh, I don't think
Blanche Devereaux

is going to be
happy making things

out of Popsicle sticks
instead of making love.

Oh, I don't care
about that anymore.

I don't care about anything
anymore. Life has no meaning.

So, who's for popcorn?

I don't know what to expect
of myself with this thing in me.

I just keep remembering
how you're not supposed

to overload electrical outlets.

Maybe you just shouldn't
make love when you're wet.

It was not an easy decision,

but it's best that I retire from
the sexual arena undefeated.

Time I hung up my gloves.

Gloves? Boy, you
do practice safe sex.

Sex is only good
when your heart is in it,

and that's the one
organ I can't count on.

Oh, now, come on,
Blanche. You don't know that.

If that's the way you feel,
maybe you should tell Simon

so that he'll know
where he stands.

For the last two weeks, he's
been standing with his legs crossed.

I will. I'll tell him tonight.

I can't believe it.

Blanche has gone
without for two weeks.

I mean, that's like Raymond
Burr saying, "No gravy."

What do you think is
the matter with her?

Maybe when she had
that out-of-body experience,

she didn't get
back in all the way.

Try to discuss
science with kids.

Um...

I wanna thank you
for a lovely evening.

I didn't think you noticed.

You hardly said
a word all evening.

Where are the other girls?

Oh, they all went
out to a movie.

Simon, that's why I wanted to come
back here. I wanted us to be alone.

Ooh, baby. What...?

Um... Here.

I don't really know
how to say this.

I never thought I'd ever be
sayin' this in my wildest dreams,

and you know just
how wild they can get.

What I'm trying
to tell you, Simon...

The last time we made love

was the last time.

I guess it's just lucky that
we took those snapshots.

What are you talking about?

I am giving up the
physical side of my life.

After what I've been
through, I cannot trust myself

to climb the heights
of passion anymore,

'cause I can't be sure
of ever gettin' back again.

I know you have to be
concerned about the pacemaker.

Wouldn't you be?

Blanche, everyone
I know over 50...

over 40 has a pacemaker.

They all lead perfectly normal
lives in every way, Blanche.

But this is in me.

Oh, Simon, for the
first time in my life

I'm... I'm just
scared of intimacy.

Maybe this is my fault.
Maybe I've been pushing you.

It's not you.

Blanche, you're the same
person that you always were.

You have to believe that.

Oh, I-I want to,
Simon, and I have tried,

but I can't.

Darling, this is not the time

for your vivid imagination
to give out on us.

Goodbye, Simon.

(sighs)

Well, if you're gonna
kiss me off, I want my kiss.

Are you all right?

I think so.

I don't feel any sparks.

Well, in this instance I'll
take that as a compliment.

I am a little hot, but it's
nothing I can't handle.

What did you expect to happen?

I don't know.

I just kept seeing
those cartoon characters

with the smoke
coming out of their ears.

I don't see anything.

Listen. There's a great
big old television set

back in my bedroom.

What do you say we go in there

and turn it off?

Long as you understand I
can't make any promises.

If you'll be brave,
I'll be brave.

Ma, I said I was sorry.

The least you can do when
we're gonna see a movie

is say it's a foreign film.

What is the big deal?

I had to stand at the
front of the screen

just to read the subtitles, and
all that running back and forth

to complete a sentence
almost killed me.

Wasn't that Simon's
car parked out front?

Are you sure?

Blanche?

She's not in here.

Maybe she had trouble
with her pacemaker,

and since we weren't
here, she called him.

Oh, my God.

(Blanche) ♪ Over
there ♪ Over there

No, I said over there!

♪ Send the word, send
the word over there ♪