The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 18 - An Illegitimate Concern - full transcript

A young man shocks Blanche when he shows up unannounced from Dallas, Texas and tells her that her late husband George was his father.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Pussycat, when's the last time
I told you you were beautiful?

June 1, 1949.



At my wedding. Oh, well.

That's because pregnant
women have that special glow.

It's time to tell you again.
You're a beautiful woman.

What do you want, Ma?

You're so suspicious. I'm hurt.

This is why the compliments
only come every 40 years.

I'm sorry, Ma.

Sorry enough to be
in the Shady Pines

mother-daughter beauty pageant?

Ma, you hate Shady Pines.
Why do you want to go back?

Two words - Gladys Goldfine.

Ma, just because you
don't like the woman

doesn't mean that we have to
embarrass ourselves in public.

This contest is my chance



to put that old witch in
her place, once and for all.

Not only am I a looker,

but I have a daughter
twice as beautiful as hers.

Ma, that's very
sweet, but I still...

And then I thought, "Wait."

Your sister Gloria
is in California.

So it's you or nothing.

Please, Dorothy. If we win this
thing, I can die a happy woman.

Ma, I refuse to be a part of your
neurotic need to be number one.

Now, just let it go.

How many challenges
do I have left in life?

Seeing if I can get
halfway across the street

before the "Don't
Walk" sign comes on.

Trying to stay
awake on the john.

Hoping it is the john.

Competition is the thing
that keeps me going.

But, if you want
me to let it go.

All right. All
right, Ma, I'll do it.

You've made me a happy woman.

Now, if you want
to go the extra mile,

I hear one of the
judges has a fetish...

Dorothy's gonna be in the
mother-daughter beauty pageant with me.

Oh, really? Listen, I
know one of the judges.

Just keep telling the little
bald guy he's been naughty.

(doorbell)

Hello, my name is David Patten.

I'm looking for a
Mr. George Devereaux.

Yeah, I'll get him.

Oh, he's dead.

My husband passed
away a few years ago.

Oh, I see. What did
you want George for?

I'm selling encyclopedias and his
name was at the top of my list of leads.

I hope I haven't bothered you.

And I'm truly sorry
about your husband.

Oh, now, that is really odd.

I mean, if he's
selling encyclopedias,

why didn't he try
to sell us a set?

You know what else is so strange
about it? He didn't bring them in.

Rose. No encyclopedia salesman

lugs around 26
volumes door-to-door.

Are you kidding? In
St. Olaf they carry 52.

Why? Balance.

Rose, why don't they
just carry 13 in each hand?

Excuse me. I have
to make a phone call.

Dorothy, Rose.

The oddest thing just
happened to me at the market.

I saw that same young man who was
here the other day, looking for George.

What was his name?
David something or other?

What's so odd about
that? He was shopping.

He wasn't shopping, Dorothy.

He was undressing
me with his eyes.

That handsome young
man is obviously smitten.

I don't know about that.

If he had a crush on you,
why did he ask about George?

Because he's been
in love from afar,

and that was his
way of approaching.

But he... he lost his
nerve at the door.

Look, if you are right,

I think you're
taking this too lightly.

Sure, he may be
infatuated with you,

but he also might
be some kind of nut.

Oh, I tell you,
the boy's in love.

Rose, what do you think?

A sex-crazed psycho
with a granny complex.

Sorry, Blanche. I gotta
call 'em as I see 'em.

Look, pussycat. I've
found matching dresses

we could order for the
evening-gown competition.

Ma, those are
totally inappropriate.

Don't worry. They come
with matching panties.

For when we do the cartwheels.

Ma, forget it.

Oh, come on. Mine
are gonna say "Hello"

and yours are
gonna say "America."

Ma, why can't we wear
something simple in basic black?

It's a bad idea, Dorothy. You
wear black at Shady Pines

and they'll stop the
show for a head count.

I knew I never should have gotten
involved in this mother-daughter pageant.

I just wish I'd known
how to say no to it.

I know what you mean.

I should have said no to the
Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant.

It was 1951.

That was the first year
they let humans enter too.

I was way ahead after the
evening-gown and log-rolling competition.

People don't
realize how hard it is

to roll log when you're
wearing an evening gown.

And the shocker is I lost
out on the intelligence quiz.

Quelle surprise!

Don't I know it.

They asked me to name
the seven dwarves, and I did.

But evidently I didn't name
the seven they had in mind.

Rose, hand me that newspaper.

No. You're gonna hit me with it.

No, I won't. You promise?

I promise.

Guess who was waiting
in a car outside our house.

David. David, that's who.

I tell you, that car was there
three hours ago when I left.

Blanche, the man is
obviously obsessed with you.

I think he's a little nutty.

Now, look. I've been involved
in these fatal attractions before.

I can handle this. I'll just
go out there and tell him.

Hi, Mrs. Devereaux.

Do you remember me?
I was here the other day.

David, I want you to
come in and sit down.

We have to have a talk.

I am tired of you lurking
around outside my house

and tailing me at
the supermarket.

Now, enough is enough.

You have an unhealthy,
obsessive love for me.

Honey, you need
professional help.

Mrs. Devereaux, I don't
have those feelings for you.

Oh.

I have been following
you around, and I'm sorry.

But I have something
to tell you, and...

well, this is just
so difficult for me.

Oh. Whenever I have something
hard to say, I just say it fast.

In high school, when I wanted
to break up with Carl Dugan,

the captain of
the football team.

Well, I was very nervous.
So I just spat it right out.

"Carl, I'm dumping
you for Coach Wilkins."

Afterwards, I felt much better.

You just go ahead and tell me.

Go ahead. OK.

George Devereaux, your
husband, was my father.

Get out.

What?

Get out of my house. I did
not hear what you just said.

She didn't hear what he said and
she was this upset. Can you imagine if...

Shut up, Rose.

David, why would you
say a thing like that?

My mother passed away recently,

and I found out that for years

she had received child-support
checks from a trust fund in Miami.

Well, I was always told my
dad died before I was born.

Then I found my
birth certificate.

And there, listed as my
father, was George Devereaux.

Maybe there was another
George Devereaux in Miami.

This was the address
in my mom's old book.

Who also lived in this house.

Believe me, Mrs. Devereaux, if I'd known he
was dead, I never would have left Dallas.

Well, now you know. Goodbye.

I know this is painful, but
there's so much I need to know.

What did he do for a
living? Was he funny?

Did he have any hobbies?
He had at least one.

You're the only one
who can help me.

After you've had some
time, maybe I could call you.

I'm sorry about
all this. Really.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, how could George
betray me this way?

Dammit, those wedding
vows were sacred to me.

Well, they must have been.
I turned down hundreds -

thousands of offers.

Teachers, doctors, astronauts.

I even said no to a journalist

famous for his
work on 60 Minutes.

Now, if that's not fidelity,
I don't know what is.

Then I find out that the only
man I ever loved cheated on me.

On me!

Oh, I could just die.

I'll bet it was Morley Safer.

(Rose) I thought you were
in bed. I couldn't sleep.

It must be from
living with old people.

I've been going
through my diaries.

Just listen to this.

"March 3, 1967. George
just back from Dallas.

"Surprised me with the most
beautiful diamond earrings.

"I love him so much it
takes my breath away.

"Ours is a love so
pure, so complete,

"it'll outlast time itself.

I'll have the earrings
appraised next week."

See? That proves it.

Am I missing
something? Proves what?

Dallas. Diamond earrings.

George was
obviously feeling guilty

about cheating on me
with David's mother.

David was telling the truth.

This is tough. I
know how you feel.

I hate to say it, but Sal
almost cheated on me once.

Ma. Really?

I was pregnant with
your brother Phil.

Just because I put on 40lbs
and was crying all the time,

your father got
the wandering eye.

Did you ever find
out who it was?

I never actually met her,

but I heard she was
a short, scrawny,

birdlike thing
who never shut up.

I guess variety
is the spice of life.

My Charlie never cheated on me.

I think it was because
the divorce laws

were so stringent in St. Olaf.

The wife gets to keep
everything that doesn't ferment.

Well, thank you, Rose, for
rubbing my nose in the fact

that you had a faithful husband

Why did George cheat on me?

Why does any man cheat?

Well, there are two
popular theories.

One, men are victims of
an evolutionary process

which genetically
programs their sexual habits.

What's the other
theory? Men are scum.

OK, girls. I'm ready.

Well, Rose, do I look like
the mayor of Palm Springs?

Doug Henning is the
mayor of Palm Springs?

Just play the music, Rose.

(♪ "I Got You Babe")

♪ They say we're
young and we don't know

♪ We won't find
out until we grow

♪ I don't know
if all that's true

♪ But you got me
and, baby, I got you

♪ Babe ♪ I got you,
babe ♪ I got you, babe

♪ They say our
love won't pay the rent

(stops playing)

Rose, what's wrong?
There's another verse.

I'm sorry. But this song always
takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s.

And the controversial issue
that nearly tore the town apart.

What, Rose? Vietnam?
Civil rights? Campus unrest?

Opposite-side-of-the-street
parking.

Nobody could
understand the concept.

It doesn't matter
which side you park on,

there's always an opposite side.

What an injustice.

Hemingway ran out of
stories to tell and shot himself.

She just keeps on going.

Oh, for goodness' sakes.

Why, you two could
be celebrity look-alikes.

Blanche. You really
think so? Well, absolutely.

So, which one's Cheech
and which one's Chong?

I'm Sonny Bono, you idiot.

Gee, I wonder how many
maître d's have heard that line.

Blanche, there's
something I need to tell you.

I've told a lie and now I
have a guilty conscience.

Really? You know, I've
heard that could happen.

I lied to you when I said
Charlie never cheated on me.

You know, he was this traveling
salesman, and one very dark night

he ran out of gas in
front of this farmhouse.

He knocked on the door and asked
the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer said, "There's only one place
you can sleep. That's with my daughter."

The ironic thing was,
if it had been light out,

Charlie would have realized that he
was just two blocks away from home.

It was really embarrassing.
That story really got around.

I must have heard
it a hundred times.

Everybody thought
it was a big joke.

That must have hurt.
Yeah, it hurt a lot.

It made me angry.

I was so mad, I refused
to make strudel for a year.

That's not so bad.

"Strudel" was our
little pet name for sex.

Wow. You were mad.

You bet.

But I decided one mistake

shouldn't erase the
memories of all the good times,

or how much we loved each other.

Don't throw George's memory
away just 'cause he made a mistake.

Come on, guys.
We're gonna be late.

I'll get the car. I'll
meet you in front.

(Blanche) Oh!

You all look beautiful.
Why, thank you.

(doorbell rings)

Well, David! What
are you doing here?

I'm going back
to Dallas tonight.

But before I leave, there's
something I have to know.

Oh, come on in.

Y'all go on. I'll
meet you there.

What is it? Did my
father ever go fishing?

What?

When I was a kid, I fantasized
about the kinds of things

my father and I would
have done together.

Going fishing was
always my favorite.

Did he?

No.

Oh.

Look, I know my
coming here hurt you.

But this wasn't any
picnic for me, either.

I'm angry too.

I grew up not knowing
anything about my father -

who he was, what he was.

I wish you could just tell me
something about my father.

Whether you like it
or not, I am his son.

He served in Korea. Really?

Army captain.
Decorated for bravery.

But not before he graduated
top of his class at Vanderbilt.

That's pretty good.

Well, let's see.

There's so much
to remember. Um...

Well, he was charming, and
quite an athlete. Intellectual.

He could match wits
with anybody in town.

Very handsome.
The ladies loved him.

Apparently so.

I really appreciate all this.

Would you like to
see pictures of him?

Very much.

There he is. I've got his eyes.

I know. And, uh,
here he is in uniform.

Wait. Is that him? On the boat?

Well, I'll be...

I guess he did
go fishing after all!

Say, would you like
to have this? Really?

You ought to have it.
After all, you're his son.

Make way for the
winners of the Shady Pines

mother-daughter beauty contest!

Ta-da! (Blanche) Oh!

You won! Actually,
we're just the runners-up.

But if the reigning
winners for any reason

can't fulfill their duties...

And I'm telling you, the winning
mother and daughter are 98 and 77.

If either one of them forgets to
take a nitroglycerin even once...

Dorothy and I are gonna be
cutting ribbons at Piggly Wiggly.

But the big news is we
beat Gladys Goldfine.

Right, Ma? Ah, it
was a hollow victory.

Time has taken
its toll on Gladys.

She's not the fierce
competitor she once was.

For the talent section

she was supposed to do a
medley from The Fantasticks.

She started with "Try To
Remember," and she couldn't.

But more important than that,
what about David? What happened?

Well, I talked to him,

and he's really a
very nice young man.

I think I was taking my
anger at George out on David.

You're gonna have to find
a way to forgive George.

I will forgive him. It'll
just take a little time.

A little cheesecake
wouldn't hurt, either.

You know, Ma, I
hate to admit it -

I had fun this afternoon.

I'm glad to hear that, pussycat,

because the Shady
Pines circus is coming up.

You're not afraid
of fire, are you?

You son of a... You
put me through all this

and I could have
had Andy Rooney.

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