The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 16 - Clinton Avenue Memoirs - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Woe is me. Woe, O, woe is me!

Problem, Blanche?



Yes. It's my hair -

it has split ends,
it's dull and listless,

it makes my face
look... Its age?

If you're gonna make fun of
somebody, make fun of Rose.

I need the professional care

of the most talented
hairdresser in Miami -

Robert. Oh, he's brilliant.

Do you know he was the
first one ever to use mousse?

I'd check my facts if
I were you, Blanche.

Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf

has been using moose
ever since I can remember.

Of course, it's his
own professional secret

which part of the moose he uses.

But it'll keep
your hair in place



in winds up to
130 miles an hour.

I just don't believe you, Rose!

Ask Conway Twitty.

The problem is,
Robert charges $300,

and it's just not in
my budget this month.

Oh, that's the trouble
with being beautiful -

the maintenance will kill you.

I have an idea, Blanche.

How about moonlighting and
making some extra money?

Another job?

Rose, I already work
my fingers to the bone

12 hours a week at the museum.

"Picasso on your left,
snack bar downstairs."

It's a wonder I'm
not an alcoholic.

What I meant was, how
about working for me?

I'm swamped with this
project for Enrique Mas,

and there is money
for an assistant.

Tell me more.

Well, we're compiling statistics

on supplemental
healthcare for seniors.

Some companies
are preying on fear

and then using loopholes
to avoid paying claims.

For someone on fixed income,
it's a matter of life and death.

By "Tell me more," I
mean, "Does it pay $300?"

Well, I suppose that'd be OK.

But I can't believe, with
something this important,

that you are still
so self-centered.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Count me in.

Dorothy, can you drive
me to the mall Friday night?

They're giving free
blood pressure tests,

and some of the girls
and I have a high-low bet.

Ma, honey, don't you remember?

Friday night we're
planning on having dinner

at Joe's Stone Crab.

Oh? It's your
wedding anniversary.

Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.

Ma, you didn't forget, did you?

Oh, forgive me, I
forgot something.

Maybe you should ship
me back to Shady Pines.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in the living
room being feeble.

If I can find the living room!

(Blanche) Dorothy,
what just happened?

Well, weren't you listening?
Sophia came in and asked Dorothy

to drive her to the mall
for a blood pressure test.

And then Dorothy told
Sophia that they had a date

to go out to dinner Friday
night, and then Sophia said...

Would you hand me the newspaper?

Oh.

No, the "Metro" section.

That she and the girls...

Hey, don't kill the messenger.

(sighs) It's Ma.

She's becoming more forgetful.

And she denies it
and she gets mad.

How bad is it? Bad.

It's not just a matter of
small things anymore.

I can't believe she
forgot this dinner.

I mean, every year
since my father died,

I've been taking
her out to dinner

on her wedding anniversary,
because she's lonely.

Maybe you'd better talk
to her doctor about this.

You're right, Blanche.

I guess I've just been hoping

that things would
improve by themselves.

You know, I never thought
Ma would lose her memory.

Of course, I never thought

Alan Alda would
get on my nerves.

Ma, can we talk for a minute?

I'm going through
the family album.

I thought I'd pay
your father a visit.

Look, here we all are!

Your sweet sixteen party, right?

Right!

Look at that
beautiful chiffon dress.

Yeah, your brother Phil
always did like to make a splash.

Ah, look!

The Jersey shore, summer 1939.

Pop sure loved
playing with you kids.

Why do I look so upset?

Oh, Ma, don't you remember?

Pop was a big fan of
Jean Harlow's back then.

You hated it when
he made sand breasts

in front of the children.

(chuckles) He was
really some character.

Oh, look at us.

Oh, boy, your father
sure looked stupid.

Stupid? Ma, this was one
of your favorite pictures.

Oh, Pop looks so proud.

The idiot's dressed
like an organ grinder.

Yes. Yes, he is.

Remember, we had no money,

and he refused to
go on assistance.

He vowed that he would
take any job to feed his family.

And we had meat on
the table every night.

I don't know he did
it on 10 cents a day.

Where's the monkey?

Oh, look, there you
are, stirring sauce.

Ah, my old kitchen. Yeah.

And there are the
potholders Grandma made,

your pasta maker.

Ah, the pantry.

Remember what Pop kept
behind the pantry door?

Yeah, he carved
a giant heart there

that said "Sal loves Sophia."

No, Ma, it was our
height measurements.

He kept track of them on
the back of the pantry door.

Dorothy, that was my
kitchen, that was my Sal,

and he put the heart
there because he loved me.

That I remember!

I'm sure you do.

Listen, Ma...

why don't we talk to your doctor

and see what he has to say, hmm?

Yeah, well... maybe.

I don't remember
half these photos.

I don't remember Brooklyn.

I don't even remember you
going off to your senior prom.

Ma, I never went
to my senior prom.

Actually, I did remember that,

but why should I be the only
one here to feel like crap?

Hi.

Blanche, I thought you
were gonna be working.

You don't think playing three
sets of tennis in this heat is work?

When are you gonna
get the survey done?

Rose, let me explain something.

Now, in this world, there
are two kinds of people.

One is an industrious,
hardworking, give 100%,

pain-in-the-butt-to-
everybody-else go-getter.

I am not one of those people.

Gee, I wish I felt
better about this.

Well, I wish you did, too.

Sophia, Dorothy, how
did it go at the doctor's?

It was great.

He said that Ma's memory problem

could be related to a
nutritional imbalance,

so he put her on a special
diet, and if she follows it,

she'll be fine from here on out.

Oh, lucky me, I can
remember from now on.

My whole past is gone!

I could have slept with
JFK and don't even know it!

Ma, I don't think so.

You're not mentioned
in any of the books.

Well, that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.

Ma, come on, now.

He also said that there
are things that you can do

that might bring back
some of what you've lost.

I mean, we could talk
about the good old days,

reminisce with old friends.

Honey, you have to
look on the bright side.

I've had a lifetime
of bright sides.

I'll just have to learn
to do without them.

Oh, dammit.

I hate watching what
this is doing to her.

I hate watching
what it's doing to you.

I hate watching
those FBI warnings

at the beginning
of video rentals.

Oh, hello, sir.

I am conducting a phone survey

regarding healthcare
for the elderly.

May I ask your age?

That's not so old!

And what's your general health?

That's good.

What would you say
is your annual income?

Oh, that's very good!

Marital status?

Oh, I am sorry. How long?

Three weeks!

I'd say it was time you were
getting on with your life, honey.

Thank you very much.

Blanche, marital status is
not a question on the survey.

Well, I'm sorry, Rose, but
I ask a man 20 questions,

you can bet your life one of
'em's gonna be, "Are you married?"

I can't believe it! Haven't
you done anything?

Of course I have. Do you
see this big stack right here?

Well, just behind it
is what I have done.

It's only one survey,
but I'm very proud of it.

I should've known
this was gonna happen.

You should never
work with friends.

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

That's against the law -
that's sex discrimination.

Oh.

Well, I'll give you
one more chance.

Wait a minute! How
is it sex discrimination?

That's what I was
doing this afternoon

when I didn't get
this work done.

How's Sophia? I don't know.

Today's her anniversary. She
won't come out of her room.

I've never seen her like this.

She is really depressed.

Adios! Everybody wave goodbye!

I'm off to Brooklyn!

Honey, what are you doing?

I'm going back to
the old neighborhood.

The doctor said it would help
if I stirred up some memories.

Ma, you can't go
back there alone!

No kidding. I'm 83. I
walk to the driveway,

it's a coin toss
whether I get back.

You're coming with me.

I am?

What the hell? You paid!

Look, I can deal with
losing some of my memory.

If I didn't have to remember
what's-her-name over here, I wouldn't care.

But Sal was the most
important person in my life,

and scrapbooks
aren't doing the trick.

OK, Ma, if this is what
you really want to do...

It's not what I want to
do, it's what I have to do.

Dorothy, today
is my anniversary,

and I barely remember
getting married.

You know, I hate getting old.

You always seem to
be losing something.

First it's your eyesight.

Then people are telling
you to turn down the TV set

when you can barely hear it.

And you could live
with that. But this?

They're trying to take something
from me that I just won't give.

I can't let this
happen, Dorothy.

I can't lose my Sal.

Not again.

Isn't it good to be back in the
old neighborhood, Dorothy?

Watching the kids playing
stickball on the corner?

Ma, they were beating a man.

That was sort of why
I called the police.

Ah, they were just
having a good time.

(doorbell rings)

Now, look, Ma, I don't
want you to be disappointed

if the new tenants
don't let us in.

Buenos días.

Oh, God!

I'm Dorothy Zbornak. This
is my mother, Mrs. Petrillo.

I know this is
going to sound odd,

but we used to live here
many, many years ago,

and we were hoping that
we could look around -

you know, for old times' sake.

Would that be possible?

Petrillo?

They let Italians live here?!

Look, we came all the
way from Miami. Please?

OK. But don't take anything.

I'm meeting my family, so I
can only give you a little while.

We appreciate it very much.

You see, my mother is
having a memory problem.

We were hoping that if we
looked around the apartment...

There's no need to explain.

I have an elderly mother myself.

Oh, One more thing. Yes?

Don't take anything.

Dorothy, look -
my old wallpaper.

Oh, God, it feels the same.

And that big old window
I used to look out of.

Oh, Ma, I remember
when I was a little girl

playing out in the street.

I can still hear your voice.
"Dorothy, fix your dress -

the whole neighborhood
can see your business."

Sounds like me.

Ma, we don't have too much time.

OK, let's get in the kitchen.

I want to show you that
heart your father carved for me

and prove to you
I'm not totally crazy.

Ma, remember,
it's only a carving.

Don't put all your
eggs in one basket.

Hey, I may be fading, but
that's the sweetest thing

that man ever did for me.

I know that heart's
behind the door.

I can't believe it!

They must have sanded it off.

No, Ma. No, no.

See, Ma, it's our height chart.

You can see it
through the paint.

See? Here's Phil, Gloria, me.

I could have sworn...

I would have bet my life on it.

Oh, Ma, there are so many
memories in this apartment.

Don't be so down.

You remember the day you
brought Phil back from the hospital?

I was a little upset,
because that was the day

Pop usually took me to the zoo.

Well, it was the racetrack,
but he called it the zoo.

You kept Phil in this room
because it was the warmest room.

And I guess I was a
little starved for attention,

because I remember...

Oh, Salvadore,
isn't he beautiful?

A piece of art.

But what do you have him in
Dorothy's hand-me-downs for?

So he wears girls' clothes for
a while - what's it gonna hurt?

Dorothy!

Sal, do something
about your daughter.

Dorothy, come over here.

We know you're upset
about the new baby,

but we need for
you to be a big girl.

Your mother's had a rough
week. First I'm called away,

and then the baby's
delivered by a cabby.

Cesarean!

Now I know you think Phil
here's taken your place.

Well, I wanna tell
you something.

I love you more than anything.

Even more than the Dodgers
on five-cent beer night?

OK, even more than that.

Wow!

Daddy, I love you.

I love you, too, kiddo.

Come on, let's go to the zoo.

I got a tip on a giraffe
in the sixth race.

Heh heh!

Pop sure taught me a lot
about sibling rivalry that day.

When we got home
I went right over

to the baby and
said, "I love you, Phil."

No, wait. I wrote it on him.

Here you go, Rose.
Finished my work.

Well, turn me upside
down and paint me blue!

Well, give me my money.

Look, I'm sorry we
fought the way we did,

but this work for senior
healthcare is very important to me,

and I was hoping it
would be to you, too.

Well, it wasn't, but it is now.

It is? How could I help it?

After I looked
through the paperwork,

I realized how expensive
healthcare is for the elderly.

You know, some folks
have lost their life savings.

I mean, people ought to write
their congressman or something.

In fact, I am so touched,
when you cut my check,

don't make it out to me.

That's beautiful, Blanche.

Make it out to "Hair by Robert."

I'm not gonna
declare it as income

and let those lazy
congressmen have my tax dollars!

Blanche, I don't wanna do that.

Oh. Well, all right, just
pay me under the table.

Oh, sure! I know that trick.

Dorothy's done
that to me before.

I go under the table
and you never show up.

No way!

Boy, this room is sure
alive with memories.

Those were good days.

I think I'll go up
to the bedroom.

Sal and I spent our most
intimate moments there.

Ma... Ma, is there
anything I can do for you?

Yeah, stay out. You barged in on
me enough when you were a kid.

Sally, what's going on?

What's wrong with me?

You think you got problems?
Try being dead. Heh heh.

Sal! What the hell
are you doing here?

Relax. I'm not really here.

I'm just a Fig Newton
of your imagination.

Oh, Sal, it's been
so long, I've forgotten

how much you used
to like Norm Crosby.

So, how are things?
"How are things?"!

Sal, talk to me. How
are you? What's new?

What's heaven like?

You know, everyone
thinks heaven is right above.

Actually, it's a little
more to the left.

What's God like?

Nice. You should see his car!

Oh, before I forget,
Gladys says hello.

You fooling around with Gladys?

Of course not.

Gladys is going out
with Charlemagne.

Sophia, I see from upstairs

you've kind of lost your spunk.

What's the matter?

I'm slipping, Sal,
and it's frightening.

I'm even forgetting you,
forgetting the good old days.

And what, I'm supposed
to feel sorry for you?

That'd be a start!

Nah, the Sophia I
know is a survivor.

That's why we got married.

You beat out a
lot of other women.

Oh, yeah, there was
a helluva long line

waiting to get to you, Sal!

What's the name of
that girl with the warts?

You see? Some things
you do remember.

Yeah, but only some things.

I'm 83, Sal. I don't
have the energy for this.

You have lost your spunk.

You know, maybe I don't
find you so attractive anymore.

What?!

You're not the same Sophia.

I wonder how Gladys and
Charlemagne are doing.

Sure, the guy rewrote
history, but can he juggle?

Salvadore Petrillo, you
miserable botchagaloop!

If you so much as
look at another ghost...

See? There's the spunk.

It's still there. But use it
for yourself, not on me.

You think I can be OK?

If I didn't, would I
have made the trip?

I miss you, Sally.

Hey, I'm always with you.

And when the time's
right, see you at my place.

Ma. Ma, Mr. Hernandez has to go.

I'm meeting the wife and kids.

We are going ice-skating.

Dorothy! Oh, my God!
Can you believe it?

Hey, Puerto Ricans
can ice-skate! Jeez!

Dorothy!

Dorothy, look!

It's the carving. See?
"Sal loves Sophia."

Oh, Ma!

You're Sophia? That's
right. And I remembered.

I mixed up the rooms,
but I remembered.

Of course. I thought the
carving was in the kitchen.

Sal used to hang
his salamis in here.

Dorothy, I may be fading,

but I'm still holding on
to some of the big things.

Yeah, and you
might get more back.

"Might"? I insist!

All I need is a
little more spunk.

Imagine finding
that carving in here!

Kitchen, bedroom -

I knew it was a
room I was good in!

(kiss)