The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 15 - Triple Play - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Dorothy, do we know
anybody named Cecilia?

Your cousin, Ma. She
only has weeks to live.



Oh!

Next time I'll
accept the charges.

(phone rings)

Hello? No.

No, we don't have a car for sale.
You must have the wrong number.

Is it a man or a woman? A
woman, interested in a Mercedes...

Mm-hm. Hello. Sorry,
the car's been sold.

Uh-huh.

Blanche, what is this all about?

I have figured out the most
wonderful way to meet men.

Rich, eligible men.

I put an ad in the paper saying I have
a Mercedes for sale for a very low price.

You don't have a Mercedes.

But I'm renting one and
pretending it's for sale.



All day tomorrow, men are gonna
be showing up here for a test drive.

You can tell a lot about
a man by how he drives.

You know, that's true.

Sometimes Stan couldn't
even get the key in the ignition.

Hi! Hi, everybody.

Hi, Miles. How was your evening?

It was terrific. We saw a marvelous
production of The Glass Menagerie.

That is one of
my favorite plays.

Frankly, I was a little
disappointed. Really?

When you told me you were taking
me to a revival of Tennessee Williams,

I was expecting something
more along the lines of a séance.

Rose, I have never
met anyone like you.

Check the cornfield on Hee Haw.

Ma, why don't we go, so that
Rose and Miles can be alone?

Why? We were here first.

Ma, isn't it time for your
medication? Oh, good.

I thought my buzz
was wearing off.

I really did have a
good time tonight.

And don't forget, I'm taking you out
tomorrow for your birthday - my treat.

Oh, no! Rose, I
forgot to tell you.

My daughter Caroline is
flying in for my birthday.

Maybe we could
all go out to lunch.

I'm very anxious for
you two to get together.

Why don't you two
come here for lunch?

I'll cook something special.

That's a great idea. I loved
what you made the last time.

What was it called
- gerkinflunken?

Oh, no, that was my uncle.

The owner of St. Olaf's
most famous haberdashery.

He came up with the slogan,

"You don't have to be
Amish to look Amish."

Gosh, I wish I could
afford something pretty

like this for my
potential car buyers,

but I'm having those
end-of-the-month money problems.

Looking for a loan?

You've come to the right place.

Why, Sophia!

How'd you get your hands
on that kind of money?

I'm a graverobber.
What's it to you?

Morning, Blanche.
Morning, Ma. Sleep well?

No. I had that
recurring nightmare -

the one where I'm in bed with
Warren Beatty and he says,

"Sorry, this is too
sick even for me."

Do we have the ingredients
for kerflugenglugen?

Come on, Rose, get with it.

Do what the rest of us do -
buy frozen kerflugenglugen.

Oh, I could never serve
store-bought candied herring.

Besides, I have my
own special recipe.

I use red-hots for the eyes.

Kill her! Kill her now!

(phone rings) I'll get it.

Hello?

Well, you are aware
that it's a two-seater?

It's not much of a family car.

Oh?!

How long have you and your
wife been practically separated?

Well, you might as well
come over for a look.

How about, say, 12:20?

Oh, good.

Well, I can't wait for you to
get your hands on it either!

Goodbye.

You're not having
company? I want everything

to go smoothly for
Miles and Caroline.

It's a big step,
meeting a man's family.

Don't worry. Men will be
over, but they'll be in and out.

Don't say it, Ma.

I have to. At my age,
when you don't say it,

it can back up on you and
come out some other way.

My first appointment's
here, right on time.

I've been out
there watching him.

He's been looking
at the car and smiling.

I feel just like a
fisherman with a new lure.

You catch 'em, you clean 'em!

Blanche, aren't you embarrassed, going
through all this subterfuge to get a man?

A man? I'm planning on
getting a six-month supply!

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hi. Blanche? James.
I'm here about the car.

Miles? No, honey, it's James.

You stay right there
and I'll get the keys.

How much mileage
has she got on her?

Let's just say she's
been around the block.

Here we go, James. Let's
put the pedal to the metal.

I can't believe anything
that beautiful is so cheap.

I'm cramping up!

Miles? No, it wasn't Miles.

We'll let you know
when he gets here.

Maybe we need a signal.

How about this - I yell,
"Hey, Rose, Miles is here"?

Got it.

(doorbell rings)

Miles? Rose!

You might have
forgotten the signal.

I know I did.

Hi. Delivery for
a Sophia Petrillo.

Here's a president
you've never seen.

Look what I got, Dorothy
- a surprise for you.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, look at these watches!
They must have cost you a fortune.

They did. Where'd
you get the money?

Is that what you say to
someone who bought you a gift?

Ma, I asked you a question.

I never told you this, Dorothy, but
I'm a special friend of Phil Rizzuto.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, ladies. Hello, Miles.

I want you to meet
my daughter Caroline.

Dorothy. It's so
nice to meet you.

This is Sophia.
Rose, Miles is here!

Rose, Miles is here!

Who?

Hello, Rose!

Miles? Rose, this is Caroline.

Caroline, Rose Nylund.

How do you do? I am so
glad to finally meet you.

Lunch is all set
up out on the lanai.

Your father says you're a classical
musician. What do you play?

The English horn. I didn't
know horns had nationalities.

But I guess it makes sense. If
jumping beans can be Mexican

and fire drills can be Chinese

and flies can be Spanish...

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm here about the
car. Come in. Have a seat.

Thank you. How're you doing?

Blanche is out on a test drive.

Blanche said I was
gonna be the first.

She's been using
that line for 40 years.

That was fun, James.

We ought to get
together again sometime.

I'd like to talk to you
about buying the car.

Not now. I'll get backed
up on my appointments.

Are you Thomas? I am,
here for my test drive.

You don't even have to show
him the car. I'll write you a check.

No, no. At this price,
I know I want the car.

Look, I'm writing out
a $5,000 deposit now.

No, I can't do that. The banks are
closed. I can't be sure it's any good.

You've got an honest face.
I'll cash that check right here.

Ma, can I see
you in the kitchen?

I've got no secrets
from these people.

Shady Pines, Ma.
Right behind you.

I think you should
take my check...

Ma, I wanna know, where
did you get the money?

The government has
been kinder and gentler

by sending me more social
security checks than they used to.

The computer made a mistake.
Ma, that money doesn't belong to you.

How much are we talking about?

Enough to have you
rubbed out if you rat on me.

Ma!

So far, 170 grand. But I
haven't checked today's mail.

It was awfully sweet of you
to go to all this trouble, Rose.

This is, uh... delicious.

Mm, even the eyes.
Have you tried those eyes?

(Miles chokes) Oh, no!

You ate the tail before we
had a chance to make a wish.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rose.

I couldn't help myself
- it was all so delicious.

You certainly know the
way to a man's heart.

I'll just take these
in. I'll help you.

Who wants birthday
cake? What's in it?

It's a secret.

And in some
countries, a vaccine.

Listen, I'll give you $20,000
and free root canal work.

You're a dentist!

I'll tell you what, I'll give you
$25,000 and free root canal work.

You're a dentist, too! No,
but I really want this car.

Mail call!

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

See ya.

These are all checks
from the government?

No, there's also an
application for a gold card.

Boy, word gets around fast!

I am so happy I finally
got the chance to meet you.

I'm happy, too. Rose...

I've a feeling you and I are
gonna be the best of friends.

There's something we need to
talk about. It's about you and Daddy.

I know it seems like a crazy match - a
college professor and a farmer's daughter -

but somehow what we
have together seems to work.

Rose, it's only been a
year since my mother died.

Daddy's still very
vulnerable at this point.

I can understand why he reached out
for you - you're very warm and very giving.

But he needs time. So, please,

if you really care
for my father,

the best thing you can
do is stay away from him.

Oh, my God, Rose! Now I've
got three excited men out there -

and for the first time in my
life it seems like too many.

Your 1:30 appointment just got
here, and I think he's interested.

Not another one!
What am I gonna do?

Didn't you think
this thing through?

Didn't you think they'd
want to buy the car?

No! I assumed once they saw
me, they'd forget all about the car.

Well, I'd better do something
to get their minds off that car.

Why don't I offer 'em some
cake? That's Miles' birthday cake.

He'll have other
birthdays. But not with me.

Why? What's wrong?

Caroline told me to
stay away from Miles

'cause it's only a year
since his wife died.

Oh, Rose, that's terrible.

Well, don't give her any cake.

Rose, those are Caroline's
feelings, not Miles' -

otherwise, why would he be here?

I was trying so
hard to impress her.

I remember when we had to impress
a man's parents, not his children.

Boy, Mother Devereaux was dead
set against me marrying George.

She wanted her little
boy to marry a virgin. Hm!

How did she know you weren't?

Maybe it was all those "Honk if
you've had Blanche" bumper stickers.

Oh! (tuts)

I wish I knew what to do.

I could settle that thing
with Miles in one minute.

I can handle men one at a time.

Blanche, could you really
do something? Sure I could.

If Dorothy will take care of
that mess out in the living room.

Now, just a minute. I
have my own problems.

I'm dealing with a mother who
stole money from the government.

Come on! It's not like
I'm an elected official.

Turn her in, Dorothy. But first, go
out there and take care of those men.

I have to take
care of my mother.

I can't take care of
both Miles and the men.

Dorothy, please do
this for Blanche. For me.

Oh, all right. I don't want
my plan to go to waste.

I still intend to date James and
Thomas, so let them down easy.

Frank and Eddie, flush 'em.

Oh, Rose, don't be so upset.

Have you seen the way Miles looks
when you tell those St. Olaf stories?

He looks like he's
listening. There you go!

(all talk at once)

Excuse me. Excuse me, did you
happen to see a little old lady go by?

The one who said,
"What are you staring at?

I can buy you and sell
you"? Went that way.

(knock at door) Ma?

Now, look, Ma, we have
to talk about the money.

Don't worry, pussycat.

Your sister and brother don't
have to know anything about this.

I want you to promise that you'll send
this money back to the government.

They're not good
with money - they can't

handle it. They spent
$400 for a toilet seat!

You know, Ma, I'm
really surprised at you.

When I was a little girl, you
told me how much it meant to you

when you came here to
America for the first time.

Do you remember
what you thought of

when you first saw the Statue of
Liberty holding up her torch of freedom?

I was amazed. You see?

I was amazed that women in this
country shaved under their arms.

Ma, you told me how
much America meant to you,

how wonderful America was,

how nice it is to be in a country
that doesn't care about soccer.

That money belongs to America.

Ma, you have America's money
and you have to give it back.

Dorothy, please... You
taught me to love this country.

You were the first one to make
me feel proud of being an American.

You were the first one who
put an American flag in my hand.

Ma, why don't you take a moment

and think what
America has given you?

Besides this 170 grand?

All right. All right, all
right, I'll send it back.

All of it? Yes, Ma, all of it.

OK, OK. I just hope
they want it back

after an 83-year-old woman
rolled around in it naked.

Well, how was lunch?

I don't know how
the woman does it.

The herring was not
only delicious, but...

it looked happy!
(Blanche laughs)

Well, Caroline.

Did you tell your daddy
about your little talk with Rose?

Not yet. What did I miss?

I think he has a right to know.

I, uh... told Rose
the truth, Daddy.

It's too soon for you
to have a relationship.

You what?! Now wait.
Could I say something?

You think your daddy has become involved
too soon after your poor mother's demise,

but, honey, a year is
more than respectable.

Why, I've had men call me when
their wives were in intensive care.

Granted, these men were
not pillars of the community.

Well, he is not ready. Caroline!

Caroline, your mother and I were married
for 43 years. They were wonderful years.

I didn't think I'd find
someone I'd care about again,

but this happens when it
happens - I've got a second chance.

I think it would be nice
if you'd be happy for me.

How could he do this?
He has needs, honey.

All men have needs.

And there are women out there
who will to stoop to any means

to prey on those needs -

including false advertising.
I know, 'cause I've met 'em.

You just thank your lucky stars Rose
Nylund is not one of those women.

I never looked at it that way.

Besides, after you get to
know Rose, why, you'll...

you'll... Oh, why
spoil the surprise?

(all talk at once)
Gentlemen, please!

You don't seem to
understand what I'm trying

to tell you - the
car is not for sale!

Why not? It's haunted.

Haunted? What?

The car is haunted. I
should know, I rode in it.

You look OK. I'm 27 years old.

We're not getting anywhere.

Blanche wants James and
Thomas. I'll try to save them.

You go over there with Frick
and Frack and try to ditch 'em.

You want me to offend
them? Pretend they're family.

Look, everybody named
after an apostle, come with me.

Excuse me, there was no Eddie.

Have you guys ever heard
of Totally Hidden Video?

Underneath this gray wig
is comedian Kaye Ballard.

Thanks for being on our show.

So that's the story. The car is not
available, but Blanche Devereaux is.

I can't believe that
I've been hustled!

Boy, if I wasn't a teacher and
accustomed to abuse, I'd leave too!

Really? You know,
I'm a teacher myself.

No kidding?

Say, um... why don't you tell me
about this automobile thing again?

Say... tonight, over dinner?

Oh, now, Blanche Devereaux is a
very charming, attractive woman.

She is. Shall I pick
you up around 7:30?

I feel terrible about
this. Let's say 8:00.

Here. Take her someplace decent.

Look, Rose, I made it perfectly
clear to Caroline how I feel about you.

Maybe Caroline is right.

Your wife died such
a little while ago.

Maybe I am taking
advantage of your vulnerability.

Rose, you're a smart woman.

Oh, you are vulnerable!

Of course I am. I'm drawn to your beauty,
your charm, your unique brand of wisdom.

What about Caroline? Oh!

Caroline doesn't
know everything.

You should see the cardigan
she got me for my birthday.

She can't even pick out a sweater
for me, much less a whole person.

I wish she felt better about us.

She's just gonna
have to get used to us.

I'm staying around.

If you'll let me.

Oh, I'll let you.

Rose...

Not in the kitchen -
you'll dry out the cheese!

See you tonight,
Rose. Goodbye, ladies.

Bye-bye, Miles.
You take care of her.

Blanche, I can't thank you
enough. You're welcome.

Let's get to the important stuff -
who am I going out with tonight?

Well, uh...

James says he never
wants to see you again.

And, uh... the truth is, I'm
going out with Thomas tonight.

You're not upset,
are you, Blanche?

Well, no, I'm not
upset. It serves me right.

Hey, matter of fact, take the
Mercedes. Have a good time.

Blanche, that's
awfully sweet of you.

You got this coming.

Hello. I would like to
report a stolen Mercedes.