The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 14 - Great Expectations - full transcript

Blanche is afraid to get too close to her boyfriend, even after he suffers a heart attack.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Oh, Dorothy, by any chance, did you
borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?

Blanche, you look ridiculous.

Well, I do not. I'm a cowgirl.

Yippee-aye-oh K-Y.


Oh, well, whatever.
Have you seen my gun?

No. Damn!

Why wear this if I've
got nothing to put in it?

I say the same thing every
morning when I put on my bra.

Blanche, why are
you dressed like that?

Because I am going to an
authentic Texas-style barbecue,

and my date is a
real-life cowboy.

Morty Fishbein... is
a real-life cowboy?

He's from Amarillo, Texas.

He was the grand marshal of the B'nai
B'rith rodeo for three years straight.

Who better to go with to
a barbecue? (phone rings)

Hello. Morty.

Threw your back out
putting your boots on?

You're in traction?

Oh, I guess this means
you're gonna be a little late?

Oh, all right.

Well, can you believe that?

Because of one little slipped disc,
Morty is not taking me to the barbecue.

What a shame. You'll miss the
foot-stomping version of "Sunrise, Sunset."

You know, this kind of thing has
been happening to me a lot lately.

I think it's because I'm going out
with men who are too old for me.

In the last year my average
date has been over 60, bald,

covered in liver spots
and wears a truss.

Sounds good to me.

I used to attract
men who were young

and active and virile,

but now they just want to
date girls in their 20s and 30s.

What's a great-looking
gal in her 40s to do?

Perhaps we should
find one and ask her.

Oh, come on, Blanche.
This is all your own fault.

I mean, take Steven. You'd
been dating him for six weeks.

The moment it looked like you were
making a commitment, you dumped him.

It's like six weeks
is your cutoff point.

It is not. It is too.

You were getting along great,

you liked each other, you
had a wonderful time together.

I don't want to talk about it.

Besides, Steven didn't have all
the qualities I look for in a man.

Hi, girls. What a great day.

I feel so terrific.

It's like life is a giant weenie
roast and I'm the biggest weenie.

No argument from this corner.

Rose, you're even more
relentlessly cheerful than usual.

Thank you. It's because
I've joined this group.

They teach you positive thinking to bring
health, success and love into your life.

There's a meeting
tonight. Wanna come?

Oh, Rose, come on.
Forget it. This is just a fad.

This is for gullible people
who believe in magic.

Dorothy, you're not very
open-minded. I am so. Now shut up.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

You should listen
to yourself sometime.

What are you afraid of?
I'm not afraid of anything.

Why don't you
come to the meeting?

Maybe you'll find something
to make your life better.

Oh, all right. Rose, if it'll
make you happy, I'll go.

Rose, me too.
You won't regret it.

How about you, Sophia?

Remember, today is the
first day of the rest of your life.

Terrific. If I'm lucky, I
may live to be seven.

Oh, girls. You're just in
time. Where's Blanche?

She said to save her a seat.

She saw a man smiling
at her out in the hall.

Everybody's smiling here. I
haven't seen so many goofy smiles

since the great denture
swap at Shady Pines.

Welcome to Create
Your Own Miracles.

My name is Mary Ellen.

(all) Hi, Mary Ellen.
You're special.

You're special too,
and do you know why?

Because you're you, and there is
nobody else like you in the whole world.

Do you understand that?

Only an idiot wouldn't
understand that.

Mary Ellen, I'm completely lost.
Could you run that by me again?

After the lecture, Rose.
Just like last week.

Now, are there any
newcomers here tonight?

Right over here. Rose, no.

Oh, please, stand up
and introduce yourself.

I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
I'm Melanie Griffith.

Hi, Dorothy. Hi, Melanie.

(all) You're special.

You're nuts.

Actually, we're not newcomers.
We're just observing.

You must have a
fear of committing.

She had no problem
committing me.

Look, joining a group,
particularly a group like this,

just isn't my thing.

I see. So, your thing is sitting on
the sidelines and playing the cynic,

bursting a child's balloon so he'll
learn about the harshness of life early,

pointing out what's wrong with the
world rather than what's right about it.

That sounds good. Where
can we sign up for that group?

Dorothy, you're a
very negative person.

People are given these messages very
early in life, usually by their parents.

In your case, my
guess is the mother.

Guess again, oh, special one.

Is it my fault she got knocked
up at 19, married a loser...

Look, to me, this
is all a big show.

I am sure that under
all these smiles,

you people have to be aware

that life can be pretty
miserable sometimes.

Come on, Melanie.

I am sorry you feel that way,

but at least be open enough
to hear what we have to say.


I think everybody
really likes you, Dorothy.

(Mary Ellen) Everyone
is beautiful on the inside...

I cannot believe this. I have a great
guy like Steven just crazy about me,

and I'm wasting my time
here with these grinning idiots.

Let's go home. We said
we'd stay till after the meeting.

Just a word of
caution - don't doze off.

I think that's when the
pods take over your body.

Ma, I hate to admit it,

but there may be something to
Rose's positive-thinking course.

Last night I decided to write down all the
negative thoughts that come into my head,

and Ma, I cannot believe
how many there are.

I mean, just listen to this,
right here on page 187:

"The faucet is dripping.

"I know it's gonna
keep me up all night.

"Then I'll be tired for
my crummy job tomorrow.

Life is a swirling
eddy of despair."

I mean, I can't believe that something
as insignificant as a leaky faucet

could bring all these bad
thoughts about myself.

It's a very serious thing, Dorothy.
Ma, what can I do about it?

Try changing the washer.

Ma, I'm talking about
my negative thinking.

I know what
you're talking about.

Remember what your
cousin Frederico used to say:

"People waste their time pondering
whether a glass is half empty or half full.

Me, I just drink
whatever's in the glass."

Ma, Cousin Frederico
was a hopeless alcoholic

who played boccie ball with an
imaginary friend named Little Luigi.

Kind of puts that dripping
faucet in perspective, doesn't it?

Hi. Hi, Sophia.

Steven, nice to see you again.

Dorothy, it's nice to see you.
Do you mind if I get a drink?

I must have sweat
off ten pounds today.

You played a lot of tennis?

Tennis, yeah. Yeah, right.

Just help yourself to
whatever's in the fridge.

It's nice that you two have
worked out your differences.

I think the problem with him before was
that he was on the rebound from Karen,

but now that he's gotten
over her, he's all mine,

and I think we appreciate
each other more.

Everything old and familiar
has become new and exciting.

That's nice. Maybe I should
look up one of my old flames.

Yeah, but not
Stan. The other one.

I have some incredible news!

You've been traded to the Rams?

Do you know that nasty
butcher down at the deli?

The little guy
with four fingers?

That's him. I don't know, but every
time I order roast beef, he cheats me.

I don't know how he does it. I stand and
watch as he slices a big, juicy roast beef,

but when I get home,
I find these crummy,

little, hard pieces, you
know, from the end?

Anyway, today I went
in with a positive attitude.

I told myself, "This
man is my friend

and I know he is going to
give me a good cut of meat."


It's a miracle!

Oh, great. Pilgrims are gonna be
showing up to kiss Dorothy's luncheon meat.

Ma, I know it doesn't
mean much to you,

but I acted positively and
things are improving in my life.

I don't know, now I feel that I have
the power to make anything happen.

Boy, is it beautiful
out there today.

Thank you.

Dorothy, do you think I'm
dressed OK for the dog races?

That depends. Are you competing?

Sophia, nothing you can say is
gonna bother me, and you know why?

'Cause when I'm with Steven, I don't
know, I get goose bumps, I feel all tingly.

Oh, I understand what
you're talking about.

I feel the same way
when I hear the words,

"And filling in for Doc,
Tommy Newsom."

(phone rings)

This is terrific! Terrific!

Blanche took a positive step and
positive things are happening in her life.

Maybe it'll work for me.
You know what I'll try to get?

A man who is open, caring,
honest, who has eyes only for me.

Pussycat, you got your
roast beef. Don't push it.

That was the hospital.

Steven's had a heart attack.

You want me to drive
you to the hospital?


I'm not sure that it's a good
idea for you to drive yourself.

I'm not sure that I'm gonna go.

What do you mean, you're
not sure you're going?

Oh, I just have some
other things I have to do.

If something bad happened
to somebody I care about,

I'd be over in a shot.

Well, I do care about him. I just
have some things I have to do.

Like what? Look. I'm trying to
keep this relationship casual.

If I go to that hospital, I'm
in and there's no getting out.

Don't be silly. All
you do is follow the

orange line down the
middle of the hallways.

They lead right
to the elevators.

I mean, I don't
think it's a good idea

to hook up with a 60-year-old
man with a bad heart.

What guarantee do I have we'll
have any kind of future together?

Blanche, in life there are no
guarantees. There are choices.

Well, then, my choice is either
to play it safe or to take a risk.

I wish I knew what to do.

All right, all right. I
can pick up a cue.

Picture it.

Sicily, 1912.

A beautiful, young peasant
girl with clear, olive skin

meets an exciting but
penniless Spanish artist.

There's an instant attraction.

They laugh, they sing.

They slam down
a few boilermakers.

Shortly afterwards, he's arrested for
showing her how he can hold his palette...

without using his hands.

But I digress.

He paints her portrait and
they make passionate love.

She spends much of the next day
in the shower with a loofah sponge,

scrubbing his
fingerprints off her body.

She sees the portrait
and is insulted.

It looks nothing like her. And
she storms out of his life forever.

That peasant girl was me...

and that painter
was Pablo Picasso.

Ma, I have a
feeling you're lying.

Be positive, Dorothy. OK,
I'm positive you're lying.

It doesn't make any
difference, Dorothy.

I know what I have to do.

In this case, I'm
gonna put me first.

Ooh, now, there's a
radical shift in priorities.

Look, I just don't feel like making
this kind of emotional investment.

Blanche... You don't understand.

I lost one man I loved
when George died.

I just won't do it again.

Hi, Rose.

Hi, Dorothy. How was your day?

Rose, I tried to be
positive, but it was lousy.

Dorothy, in times like these,
you have to hold onto your faith,

just like Hans Gluckenflunken,
St. Olaf's greatest explorer.

Rose, please, let me have a little recovery
time before you start a St. Olaf story.

You see, Hans Gluckenflunken
set out for Florida

to find the Fountain
of Intelligence.

Unfortunately, when he got to
Duluth, he took a left instead of a right

and he wound up
back in St. Olaf.

That's how he got his nickname,
Wrong Way Gluckenflunken.

Rose, how is this
a story about faith?

Well, when he got back,
it was the dead of winter.

Tired and hungry and...

but still clinging to his belief that he
would find the Fountain of Intelligence,

he saw the miracle water
trickling out of the ground,

and he fell to his
knees and tasted it.

Unfortunately, it was
a broken sewer main.

Two days later,
he died of cholera.

What is the point, Rose?

He was positive he had found
the Fountain of Intelligence.

In fact, his dying words were,

"I think I've learned
something from this."

Girls... Am I interrupting?

I sincerely hope so.

I thought you had a
date. Oh, I cancelled.

He was just a nice man with a
big boat who wanted to go to Bimini.

That sounds like hell.

I don't know, I'm just not ready to
start up something with someone new.

I think it's because you
miss Steven. Uh-huh, a lot.

Why don't you
go to the hospital?

Because when he got sick
it scared the hell out of me.

And you did what you
always do - you ran.

Blanche, it's time
to stop running.

You really think so? Absolutely.

You're right. I will.

Oh, Dorothy, you always give
me the best advice about men.

Who says wisdom
comes from experience?

Oh, my God, what's
happened? Is he all right?

He'll be OK.

I just hate seeing
him like this. Oh.

Are you a relative?
I'm his wife.

His wife? He told me
his wife died years ago.

Oh! Oh, he did, did he?

You louse! You crumb!

This is who you're
cheating with now?

A woman in her 60s?

We're through.

You'll be hearing
from my attorney.

He's all yours. Enjoy.

You're not Steven!

(Steven) I'm over here,
Blanche. Oh! (laughs)

Sorry about that.

(heart monitor beeps)

Hi! Hi, Blanche. How are you?

Oh, never mind me. How
about you? Coming along.

The doctor told me to
keep my life nice and dull.

No more excitement for a while.

By the way, thanks
for the flowers.

It was the least I could do.

I thought so too.

Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.

There's no excuse for my not being
here, but the important thing is I'm back.

Blanche... Wait,
honey, let me finish.

I know how much we
care for each other,

I know how good
we are for each other,

and, let's face it, nobody has
more fun with each other than we do.

You remember that
night on the beach,

when I pretended my hand was a big
old sand crab crawling up your thigh?

We wrapped ourselves
up in that blanket,

and you about jumped out of your skin
when I showed you that Savannah twister.

(laughing) You remember that?

(heart monitor beeps faster)

Are you all right, Mr. Gordon?

Yes, I'm fine.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

At least not until
you're out of here.

Blanche... Karen and
I are back together.

Karen? Well, I thought you said
it was all over between you two.

I thought it was, but she came to
the hospital as soon as she heard.

Oh. So you're gonna let one little
gesture of goodwill end our relationship?

Well, she was here when I
needed someone the most.

And I realized how much
we still mean to each other.

I'm very happy for you.

No, I'm not. I'm
mad at me. Damn!

Ever since my husband died I think,
"If I don't leave, I'm gonna get left."

It looks like either
way, I end up alone.

I'm sorry.

Not half as sorry as I am.

Do I feel stupid. You
shouldn't. You're a terrific lady.

I'm gonna miss you.

Don't you forget me, now.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll always have this
printout to remember you by.

You want me to drive tonight,
Dorothy? Oh, Rose, listen.

I'm not going to the
meeting tonight. How come?

I'm not comfortable there. I'm
not comfortable with the people.

I'm not comfortable
with the whole thing.

But you need the
group's support, Dorothy.

It's not a good
idea to go it alone.

Did I ever tell you about
my cousin Vigdor Fricken?

He tried to go it alone
in a three-legged race.

Well, you know what
happened to him? Please, Rose.

I don't want to hear
about your frickin' cousin.

Well, fine. Then if you're not
gonna go, I'm gonna stay home too.

How come? I've seen you
at those meetings, Dorothy.

You tried to change,
but you couldn't.

If I keep going there,
I'm gonna drive you crazy.

Well, Rose, I don't want you to
stop doing something you believe in.

I've gotten all I'm
gonna get out of it.

Besides, I'd rather be part
of this group than that one.

I hate to say this, but
Rose, you're special.

Thank you, Dorothy.

I could never get them to say
that to me at those meetings.

Oh, Blanche, is
everything all right?

Steven's back with
his old girlfriend. Oh.

Are you OK? Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I guess I learned a little bit
about missed opportunities

and how sometimes
you have to take chances.

But all is not lost. I met a
new man in the next bed.

He's recently broken
up with his wife,

and the good news is he
has the heart of a 25-year-old.

Hey, that's great. Yeah.

As long as his
body doesn't reject it.